fopylo

So as part of the camp program, we've been spending like 2 weeks in Zefat and we've been mostly interacting with the Haridis (the extremely religious). It's quite interesting because some of the people who talked to us seemed like they have gained higher consciousness understandings, I'll give you an example of the person we met today who I think is the best example: So first of all, he is Haridi, the extreme Jew. But he doesn't dress so formal, looks a bit like a hippie. He is very warm and plays music (a harmonica). He was talking to us about "to repent" (or so I think that's what you call it - when an atheist is deciding to become a believer in the Jewish God, from Hebrew translated as "coming to the answer"), and he was explaining that it means coming back to your roots. At one point he was talking about the nature of yourself and asked "if I'm not my body or my brain (after telling us why it's not the case), then who are we?" I had to take the opportunity and said with a tone of doubt "nothing?" He said "nothing and everything at the same time". The dude seemed to be grasping some non-dual shit. He was then talking about separateness and how oneness is the case. I had to take the opportunity and tried shooting questions like "if there is no separation between you and a radical Muslim, then why at the very root of everything you say that the Jewish God takes place? What makes us special?" (Or something along those lines). Don't exactly remember what he answered me but at some point he talked about the Dao, and that every person has his unique path. He said he studied a lot of Buddhism and many Eastern religions, and I believe him. He is a very loving person and he has a relatively great understanding of stuff compared to some others. Basically the whole tour was for the Mikveh - I don't know too much about it but from what I understand it's a small pool in a little cave, very freezing cold water, and you dip your whole body 7 times, naked. He explained it has to do with the feeling of a child you get from it, the shock of the cold and the water, as if you're starting life again, clear mind. I've been in the Mikveh before, but I went today again, together with this guide and 2 others from the camp, and I got this feeling of refreshment, quite similar to the feeling after I do a Shamanic breathing session. By the way this guy is very chill and uses slang sometimes. You have to know what is a Haridi and how he behaves to understand what I'm saying better. But anyways, it is also common for marriages to be decided by the rabbi (the couple), and this dude met his wife at a freaking party. The guy is understanding perhaps a deeper aspect of religion, and of life - that it's all about freedom, and freeing yourself. He seemed so open that it's really hard for me to believe that he is forcing on himself this religion, that he is holding on to them so tightly like he's going to die. It was quite enjoyable. But that left me really curious about Jewdaism and religion. Can such a person like him reach enlightenment? It begs the question of whether you could be enlightened while having a religion. I'm also curious in general what are your thoughts on what I just said and this person I was talking about.

Literally always when I'm in a group setting I have lots of thoughts running in my head trying to survive and find ways to connect to people, thinking of things to say, having the "need" to talk to the people. This really gets me focused on others and not on myself. I interact with people but it feel quite fake. (By the way my 2 roommates just came in as I was writing this and I felt a "wave" of realness in me for a moment while talking with them as I stopped writing for a moment). Ok so I just spent a lot of time with the people here. I have the problem that it is hard for me to slow the rythm of mind. It is always rushing, like always. All the time looking for interactions, stuff to do - but out of some fear, not authentic. For the same reason it is hard for me to literally sit quietly somewhere just to post something here (I literally went out of the building to the quite road at night to write this. I just don't feel that rushed). For the same reason I can't truthfully speak what I feel, but rather add many layers of thought and stray away from what's true, I've experienced it because I realize that I tend to use my mind when speaking about 'personal' stuff rather than the heart. It is also the reason why it is hard for me to engage in a video game, to throw myself into it, immerse myself. Also to immerse myself in a story someone is telling - always thinking if I'll be able to deliver what I want to say without people interrupting - it's a very tiresome game. For some reason today I had quite a lot of energy to withstand "faking" myself. Like I said earlier, I sense that I am not living through myself when with others. Here's a great way to explain it: You know how when you're in your room alone with your laptop and you have this quite time and feel in your comfort environment? So I am very incapable of having this feeling of security when with others. Please help me. I'm living like this for a long time. The only good news is that my awareness and understanding of what's happening is getting better and better, but ultimately, I still struggle living myself fully and *truly* with others.

@King Merk Oh wow, good point here. I forgot to mention also that it help me in integrating stage red and dealing with repressed emotions like anger and hatred. That's probably why I started. I must have had a sort of 'need' for it to free myself somehow. Spirituality is counterintuitive and that's what makes it beautiful

As I said in the title, I feel very drained and down after my second date, and it really sucks. Wtf, it ended quite well but also bad at the same time... I fetched her from her house and we went to get frozen yogurt so that we could take it to her house and watch Frozen 2. It didn't take long before we were both under the sheet and the laptop between us, and then after I got up and came back we were closer as our bodies were touching and I was holding the laptop. Long story short we got closer and closer until the movie ended, and my plan was that at the end of the movie I'll make eye contact with her and we'll slowly go for a kiss. Close to the end we were starting to get very comfortable and I pressed my lips sometimes on her forehead while breathing on her and massaging her side. Dude it was becoming obvious the signals I'm giving. So afterwards there was some silence, but it seemed she wasn't that comfortable in the silence so she ruined the vibe and started talking, telling me about those other movies she's watching on Popcorn Time. It was boring and eventually I reminded her about Avatar: The Last Airbender, and so we decided to watch that. When the first episode was over I was looking at her, but she didn't make any fucking eye contact, my god I was frustrated. She again couldn't handle so much the silence and started talking. Fuck that, I tolled her to put another episode. Hopefully this time things will work better. This time, she could actually handle the silence, or more like, our comfortable positions on each other, the cuddle. We started cuddling a bit, not much movement really, still both a bit nervous. But bruh, she was with her eyes closed. And listen, I was trying to create a situation where we can both look at each other's eyes and then slowly come to a kiss. Didn't work. My fucking god, I've been trying to find so many different positions to be in but she was always closing her fucking eyes and it seemed she wasn't that interested, but at the same time gave me signals! (In the cuddling while watching the movie she made some moves) Fucking hell man. I was getting frustrated! Eventually I was like 'fuck it', took my legs out of the sheet and just sat on the bed. She then started looking at some pictures on google and we talked a very bit about it. I decided to go to the bathroom so that it can then be easier for me to leave. When I came back I was looking at her with an embarrassing smile and she asked me if I need to leave (this is what I was trying to signal to her) and I tolled her that I have supper and all that shit to prepare. Then she asked me what's the matter, if something happened. And I said nothing, like what's up. As I was saying that I was next to the mirror and I just realized that it looked fake. Like I was forcing a smile and being content... Eventually we left the house. I was still very frustrated. We then hugged. She then asked me if she can walk me home. I really didn't want her to walk me home, I wanted the time with myself just to gather myself up and process what happened, and I also had enough of her for this moment. I said "ok sure". After a moment I tolled her that actually I'm not going home, but rather to the school going to meet a friend there to play the piano. I lied. (For reference, it is like 21:45 now, and I go with that friend sometimes at night to school to play the piano). But I tolled her she can walk me until the school. We got to the school, and she continued with me through the gate. Bruh. She can't be serious. Midway the passage after the gate I did a short stop and acted surprised/confused which all lasted like half a second. She then asked me "oh do you want me to leave?" (in a half joking half offended manner). I tolled her "no, don't stop now, you can't stop in the middle of this nice path. We finished this path, and she continued a bit. Bruh. Nah, now really, I was starting to slow down and be before her. This is already unacceptable. We talked a bit, then we hugged a lot, the are faces were close. Our foreheads touched and then I went for it. We had the first kiss. I felt terrible afterwards, but I'll get to it in just a second. She didn't have a pleasant taste, and also I didn't know how to kiss and I closed my eyes a bit because I just wanted to get it over. Then I hugged her a bit, gave her another kiss on the other half of the lip. And then she asks me: "Why did you say before if we'll meat again?" I was confused, but eventually I tolled her that I had bad wording. She said she had fun, me too, and then we separated ways. Now look, honestly I feel terrible and I don't know why. Could it be this frustration from earlier that is still lingering? Could it be because I am scared in getting enslaved now to a person and to lose from the freedom that I had? Maybe I didn't feel anything really during the kiss and that's why I feel shitty? (I really didn't feel excited for it). And I feel some pain in my groin, like I lost some energy, as if I just nutted after being on nofap. This is so shit. I am still very confused and I just want the best for myself. Please, I need you to tell me if that is normal, and how to maneuver my situation better. On top of all of those confusions I am actually quite scared. I'm entering a new phase of my life now, going to camp. I am starting a new life, I'm letting go of people and new ones are coming. Man I want to cry. I feel like I'm dying! What the actual fuck. Please, I need you to tell me what in the actual fuck is going on with me. Thanks.

There's this chapter in the book The Way Of The Superior Man where he talks about converting your ejaculation up your spine through your head and then it rains down and it is supposed to give you a very amazing orgasm, as opposed to the regular release of semen through the genitals. He said to practice contracting the pelvis muscles as if I'm pulling it up my spine while inhaling/exhaling. He mentioned it mostly while having sex and you feel like you're about to orgasm, then to do this practice. It seemed kinda vague to me. Can someone explain how to get this amazing orgasm he's talking about, without having a sex partner?

@flowboy So why on earth did he mention contraction of the pelvis? Surely there is something to contracting the pelvis, no?

@flowboy Wait so where is all that pelvis muscle contraction and breathing you didn't mention? So basically I'm getting to the stage where I feel my body is preparing itself for releasing semen and then I just contract my pelvis and breath up the spine? David Deida wrote in the book that the whole point of the breathing is in order to make the sexual energy flow all through your body, from genitals to head and from head to genitals, without getting stuck and tense on either one.

@flowboy Oh so you mean like to masturbate but not release? This causes blue balls from what I heard. But from experience it hurts some times because of the tension that I'm building and not releasing it

@flowboy I meant, as opposed to the regular orgasm (through the release of semen from your genitals), what's special and unique about this type of orgasm? When I fap I feel very drained, low energy, not grounded, overthinking, low confidence, not much motivation to meet people, anxiety and all sorts of fears. My biggest worry is that I will lose everything that it helped build in me, especially a strong ground for thoughts and proper functions of the mind like decision making and executions. My mind is so weak and can get easily shattered and lose focus and fall unconscious. I am also very much in love with the beauty of the subtle things in nature which just seem much vivid because of all the dopamine I'm saving. I feel also more like a kid. I made a promise with myself back then (you might call it stupid) that the next time I'll release semen will either be with a girl, or after I hit 365 of nofap (originally 1000 days). This method is for motivating me to talk to girls in real life and social more. Not to flex but I'm on day 315, so why not finish with it? I don't know... I don't really understand how this works, thus opening this thread... It really doesn't feel like torture, maybe only for like the first month. But the returns are very great. Also, I believe everyone gets affected differently from masturbation. I remember once having this discussion on the forum and Leo said that it literally doesn't affect him in any negative way, and in fact improved the clarity of his mind. For me, I get the fucking brain fog.

@flowboy I'm not talking about the regular orgasm of releasing your semen through your genitals. You know I'm talking about the 'shooting up your spine' orgasm (which I don't understand too well). If it involves masturbation (although I hope you could do it without) then what is the purpose of this kind of orgasm?

@Nahm There is obviously a technique for that. If you see an alien and the alien asks you how to ejaculate up the spine, saying "it's about letting go of thinking" doesn't help as it is not the way. From what I understood it involves the pelvic muscles and breathing up the spine and some shit like that, but it's messy in my head

@flowboy Wait I thought masturbation isn't entailed... I'm on a big nofap streak and I don't want to lose it by mistake

@flowboy Again, this is not about sex. People are commenting here about sex and I said already that I don't have a partner.

@Nahm I knew that already, just not exactly the how-to. I don't have a partner. Can I do it solo? @hyruga I don't mean ejaculation as in the release of semen, but rather the 'shooting it up your spine through your head', kind of what David Deida says in the book. Yeah, could someone explain it simply and easy to understand?

@hamedsf One at a time? Regardless, contracting the abdomen makes it hard to breath. Contract which muscle? And do I contract that muscle while inhaling and exhaling or just when exhaling? I tried before to breath deep while contracting my pelvis, and it was quite hard to breath and I was moving oddly. It felt like I'm becoming more energetic like a kid but it still felt very uncomfortable on my stomach and my groin didn't feel that good (a bit nauseous).

@Roy Just 'broke up' with me yesterday. Didn't feel offended or anything at all. She anyways wasn't exactly my type and I new I didn't want her really, it was just for experience so I wasn't that attached. Just too bad I didn't seize the opportunities and got to the sex stage.

Just finished my 30 minutes Shamanic Session (after letting my body rest a little). Time is 15:40 as finished. I am on Holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Tomorrow I'm going back to camp, so I thought it's a good opportunity to "kill" myself a bit before I set off again. I was a bit anxious doing this session since all of my family is at home, but I had to do what I had to do, so I did it, and I didn't think much about it during the session. This session was pretty relaxed compared to the previous one. I didn't push myself too much. I let it be more natural. Also, I changed the position of my arms like Leo does. I feel like this was a very smooth session. Didn't even check the timer once. I again didn't get any hallucinations. I hope this exercise is helping somehow because I can't really tell. I'll probably still do it when I can. Until next time

I am on my second day in camp. At the start, I was friendly to everyone, and slowly slowly I'm getting tired from those interactions. It's like I don't have a problem meeting people, but maintaining is what's hard for me. Anyways, I've been feeling a bit down tonight. Even the shy kid that I've befriended seems to be opening up more and more, and throughout the whole time it seemed he is in his own world, his first person perspective. Now he is more talkative to others and is more authentic and seems genuinely enjoying himself. Oh, and he also plays video games on his laptop in the room. In contrast to him, I have been talkative at the beginning, and now, when people are starting to know each other better I'm getting back into my fucking homeostasis! I really did believe I changed. I actually did, but reverted a bit. I am having a hard time connecting to my own true thoughts and opinions and saying them, and I believe it is because I am so bad at group conversations and I feel I always need to protect myself and be heard and not ignored or interrupted, that I fear going deep into my true thoughts because of the potential damage if someone interrupts me. One defense mechanism I use is to try to be talkative at the start and give a persona of a leader, knows how to talk with others, friendly. Now that I've built those appearances it is easy for me to handle the situation and future interactions, for the short-term, little did I know. I found it surprisingly hard to talk to some other people and to talk more with others I've barely talked with. And I'm telling you, I did not run away or stay in the room to avoid social interaction like this kid, but tried to get myself out. Now I'm fucked and I don't know why. Without being aware I still might be faking a persona of someone confident, strong, can handle the big guys, is good with women. Fuck me. Why is it that always I'm putting in all the effort at the start to always end up feeling the shittiest. I just want to be happy and easy going with others, but from a sense of giving and wanting to add value while being full in myself, rather than feeling like I have a hole I need to fill by interaction with others. Just for your information I'm friendly with this guy, but I envy that he is opening up while being centered and not neurotically faking a strong persona just to feel worse afterwards, like I did. Also, people are starting to interact with him more as they are trying to befriend him and as he is befriending others. I on the other hand feel like some are less talking to me and I get a weird vibe (one kid comes to mind, probably the most liked one. Not because he is alpha or something, but because he is quite philosophical, "spiritual" and talks about life and seems confident in a not neurotic way. Something about him triggers me a bit even though he is chill, but it still tends to come when he comes to mind). I also tend to be a bit of a nice guy, even though I've been working on it a bit. I am getting this unpleasant feeling I'm behind the curve. Some people also just seem to be easy going with everyone and everyone wants to be with them just because of their personality. Sometimes I just have enough of it and it's overwhelming that I just have to sit here and write it so that I can get it off, gain awareness and understanding of this leeching problem. I would appreciate if I could get help maybe from you since I know you know a lot about this topic, and also from others. How do I deal with this, it fucking frustrates me, thanks. @Eph75 @Nahm

@Eph75 Do you feel that you want to open up and there being a discrepancy between that need and the self judgment that it is being seen as you being weak? Yes. Or, are you still trying to find a new way in an attempt to be accepted and liked by others? Oh shit.. you got me. It shifts sometimes, depending on how important it is to survive in the current situation. When I feel that I want attention, or envy that others are being more loved and in the center of attention - I try to find a new way, yes. Yeah, so eventually I read your post again after I wrote my previous post. It helped me understand a bit better about how to get out of a rut and start riding my life. Your knowledge about authenticity is fascinating, and I appreciate that you're helping me get going through this big lifestyle shift. Thing is that I don't have really time to seriously go over most of your posts. I can try to read here and there, but the quite time at night that I have with myself isn't that long, emphasis on quite (I do have sometimes alone, but not enough quite to think deep about this and concentrate). That's why I still sometimes write stuff, hopefully as I'm already subconsciously integrating stuff you've already wrote.

@Eph75 So as the days are going along, I'm starting to realize that it is like I have a cycle of feeling good and not good. Everyday. There is morning, lunch, afternoon, evening, and night - At least in one of those I don't feel good, anxious, worried, depressed. When I catch myself in such situations I try to focus on my breath and I have kind of a mantra that goes something like "ultimately, all I want is to feel good, and I'm trying to do this through thinking and analyzing, which doesn't work. So I'll shift my focus into perception because I believe that could be the answer to what I really wanted". Anyways, so yesterday I felt shit, and today also a bit shit. I'm getting worried about being attached to one person here because I know how it can fuck me. I would like to be part of them. Remember this shy kid I was talking about, the authentically reserved kid who is becoming open? That kid is quite the center of attention now. This kid is so open now, and when I mean open I don't mean talking about himself (although he still did a bit), but mostly making jokes and having the confidence to say and act how he wants and they all love him. Oh and that kid I said I envy because of his leadership capabilities and incredible presence? Both of those kids became very good friends. I imagine you can understand how this might feel after following up until now. I'm becoming myself socially anxious, again, like once. Old limiting beliefs about myself are slowly growing again. But man... I'm going to live with these people. The growth is so fucking painful. It is painful for me to open genuinely to people, without being fake, and to look them in the eyes, and not do this forcefully like I'm trying to get somewhere. I've also noticed the recurring belief that I fear people being above me. And it is shocking how powerful of a belief that is. It must be one of the most powerful limiting beliefs I have. This limits me from genuinely connecting with people, but most importantly - limits me from letting true emotions flow in the moment. I'm like: How do I fucking let go? Why should I just express my true emotions? Am I less than them? Do I, I, the great powerful person, need the love and compassion of others? I don't need any man to make me feel he knows more than me, I feel like I'm way wiser than them. And especially with women, scared to be some Mama's child. Those limits are obviously shaped by past experiences. Today at the afternoon, I'll be honest, I was scared to go out of the room to the meeting (all day we have many group meetings). Everybody there were becoming real good friends. Dude, what the fuck. They are like being super good friends. And I feel like I'm left out because they are already becoming friends, and my limiting beliefs are getting stronger. Close to the end of the day I was like 'fuck it' and I was able to briefly let go a bit to allow myself to show my boredom and tiredness (not he deepest), and at the last meeting I was showing here and there, very quickly signs of tiredness that was a bit depressed style, sad style.But that was fucking scary and I don't know what my mind was trying to do. I am getting very very overwhelmed from those simple interactions. Can't let it be that some other person has power over me, that I am the one who is opening up and he/she is the one who is supporting, that I am the weak (I know this takes courage and everything, but it can still feel like weak, and it also depends on how you open up, you need good timing and to have tact. By the way, I feel like I need to read again what you wrote, so sorry if I'm annoying. Your help is not taken for granted, and I'm so fucking glad you are here. You are giving me lots of hope so thanks. @Nahm Regardless of everything discussed, I'd like to have a session with you. I'll contact you. I know how much it will help me, especially now, when thing are more real and not airy-fairy what if, but actually happening right now.

So this happened (and is still happening). This kid that is shy and starting to easily make friends while being authentic, and authentically reserved - I'll name him Y. Today was my birthday and I was overwhelmed with too many "happy birthday"s and it was hard to withstand the level of equanimity required to handle it. They joked a lot. I also became more friendly with Y and with R (which is a nice dude that I sometimes envy because of his strong presence and calmness). There is a lot that happened, and I might talk about it in more depth tomorrow but maybe not. I was feeling quite down because I was resisting and wasn't always feeling comfortable when people were jokingly singing happy birthday every time they saw me lol. No but for real I was also feeling kinda down. The thing is that towards the evening and at nighttime, I suddenly felt like I have more energy and I was more easy going. I don't know how this really happened. I was just genuinely talking with R. And also at night I gave a show playing my melodica while L (another roommate) was singing and it was nice. I also in general felt quite in the center at that time in general. It made me feel good. But this time it was different in the sense that I questioned whether this is something good. I might have been attached to this ideal image I was talking about and I became more of it, hence I felt good, attached. @Nahm About his last paragraph, is it a good thing that happened, that I felt good because I was in the center? I might feel worse afterwards. I've also read what you wrote, and I've been practicing getting into my senses and breath when overthinking too much, because ultimately, the reason why I'm overthinking is because I'm trying to solve something, to manage, to feel good, and sensing feels good. I need to read probably again what you wrote because I was planning replying to you and/or Eph7. Thanks for the support man. Tomorrow I'm going to Tzipori, and I'll meet a friend of mine there in a parallel camp in the evening probably. Until then, I have like 5 hours of sleep so I'm gone.

Please read this in order to understand the context of everything here: So I've been saying it a few times in this forum, but for whoever didn't get to hear - I'm leaving for a 6 month pre-military camp. This means I'm going to live with a bunch of people, traveling, learning about the country, moving a place every 3 weeks or so and I'm coming home once in 2 weeks. For you to understand the difference in lifestyle, the last few years I've been living so comfy hardly going to school (because I've finished some of the subjects already) and coming home to be so free to be on my laptop the whole day thinking about my life. I was living a fantasy, mostly in my head, thinking that one day all that and all the consuming of self-help videos will get me somewhere. Anyways, I drifted, so I'm leaving in a few hours to Jerusalem and about to start this journey. I will be using this journal to record the things which are happening in the camp, but mostly my thoughts and feelings to share with others and myself. This is quite a scary shift in lifestyle and I really think I'll need some support. I'm entering into an unknown territory, circumstances are changing and becoming more difficult to manage. I gotta get on track on my life. For that I have decided to get help from people here and decided that a wise decision would be getting coached, like with @Nahm. I will try my best to inform you about this whole journey. It came sooner than I expected, and my access to this forum and the internet and self help and whatever will be limited. Finding the freedom to just manage the basics of my life is foundational to having the freedom to direct my life in a great direction. Anyways, after all I'm just a guy behind a screen typing in some text, and will type text here and there, but my whole life is fucking changing right now and it's overwhelming a bit. I hope the best for myself.

You both say very similar things. @Nahm And how do I practically do the loving and not caring what people think and to stop comparing myself? Is it like Eph7 suggests, to just observe? @Eph75 The thing is that even tonight I kinda tried the experiment (maybe not, you tell me). I was feeling already so fucking drained and I had to go to some area, and some kids were talking and I was just standing kinda in a conversation and at the same time kinda not. But at some point it just felt weird to stand and not do nothing and not interact. I had to break it by either forcing myself in, like I always do, squeezing the little juice left it me, feeling fake, or, I somehow get out of the situation and escape (which happens less often, and when it does, it feels more relieving). For your last question, honestly I don't so know. It's been some time since I've felt it. Contemplating for a minute, I believe it's to accept (see and not judge) everything to the point where time ceases to exist for you and you open yourself to deeper emotions and the depths of challenging emotional situations with flow. By the way, this night, since I feel drained and tried to experience 'not faking it', my tone was very apathetic, and I don't know how good I feel about it. It still doesn't feel that pleasant, yet in some way it was a small release from having to to exhaust myself faking myself.

@Nahm @Eph75 Alright, I've read both of your comments a few times. I've tried practicing fully focusing on my breathing when I notice myself getting stuck in my head because ultimately I wanted to feel good. It worked for a bit but I then kept on with the conversations. I am putting on myself expectations and I am starting to feel shit. For some reason it's always at the nights that I feel very shit and drained, like Eph7 said, I hit the wall, exhausted from keeping up with this state. This is perhaps why it strongly hits at night. But today afternoon I actually had a great time and was laughing with others, the center of attention. But I was the center of attention for something stupid. And people were calling me stupid and weird. Even of they were joking I didn't really know how to respond in an empowering way. Like some guy called me something insulting (I didn't get insulted) as if it was normal and then continued to the conversation but I feel like I had to respond in a more assertive manner and not let people just walk on me. At this point it is hard for me to tell whether I'm authentic or not. My laughs seem and feel forced and I really don't like it. Sometimes I see myself do that in the mirror or on video and I just cringe. Anyway this roommate I was talking about before - he really seems to connect with others quite well at this point and I am really envying him and feelings of anger and hate rise. It is also becoming hard for me to connect to others and maintain those friendships. Even if it's 3 days I can't stand it, can't see how things will get better soon. I want to be friendly and that people will like me and things will be easy going. But I also really want to be authentic and more assertive. I am trying to push myself to be someone who I'm not but I can't not do that. You know what, I don't know. I don't have energy for people really and I had really fucking enough of this shit. Couldn't believe it would follow me even to the camp. People are building authentic friendships here while I'm forcing my presence, draining myself, and then it is ruining my relationships, and this really frustrates me. I just want to get to this way of living (like you both described, the more true authentic way). I had enough. I don't know what to do at that point. I'm trying my best. How am supposed to contact people

@Goldzilla like how?