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@Leo Gura I don't have enough energy atm. I'd love to find a niche, but it's really hard to do. If you can, give me 10 very good examples of niches that I could choose from. It can be in the construction, metal, economic, medical, sports, television, journalistic or political sectors. I'll look for niches during the day on Quora or something, but I don't think I'll find anything that will be as food of a fit as life coaching turned out to be for you. But I'll keep looking if I don't find anything the next day and the day after that. It's basically good that now I know what I need, some really unique niche that fits my strengths (??), talents (??), unique life conditions, what I love doing (like studying to grow and understand), etc. This morning I meditated motionless and alone sitting cross-legged on the floor with blankets around me. I couldn't do it for more than 15 minutes, but I was breathing too fast and it was like shamanic breathing energy in the hands. It would have been much more difficult if I had opened my eyes. If I had someone tie me to a tree in the forest in a sitting position and bring me water, to sit there hungry for a month I might develop the habit easily after that. But I wouldn't have that habit even after that, because there wouldn't be a forest, and I don't know what else made it so hard to just sit in bliss for hours.

My plan is to learn Spanish on Pimsleur and improve my English, to read and write, and one day to learn a Germanic language with which I will be able to find a job if I suceed in getting a job offer and a permit. In this case I will be over 40 years old and will go through life lonely, downtrodden, rejected, without much happiness, unless I manage to develop the habit of meditation. Hopefully nothing will go very wrong. When I finally get independence in one of the Germanic countries, I will strive for healing and success, maybe even for love. I will grow old and travel Europe, I will die alone, on a beautiful beach or in a room from "Dignitas" in Switzerland. Alternatively, I could aspire to marry well and tell my wife "Let's shake it till we make it" and get a European passport with which I could then work in some Germanic country on a construction site and thus gain my freedom. Of course, this is pure fantasy. They will stand in my way and make sure that I never get well in my life, that I never achieve financial freedom, etc. I know how I could be a successful father who makes successful grownups, but I would be shocked to find out that I had created monsters like these people I fear. I don't want to make monsters and I really don't know how to make good people. I guess you are born good or you are born evil. But I also don't want my children to end up as victims of other monsters. Every woman wants children. Each woman will easily surrender to their charms, numbers and power. There's no way I'll find a wife, as pathetic as that sounds, it sounds exciting to me. There is no way for me to fit into society and reach a decent economic and social position. I can only fight the feelings of injustice and jealousy until I learn enough and if I'm lucky, move away from here forever. I'm not valuable enough on the dating market here, and I'd be even more worthless abroad. Mental and physical weakness is getting bigger and bigger. I am afraid that in the end there will be no hope, as my body is exposed to great danger. I'm not paranoid and I'm not hallucinating. Sometimes I make mistakes in analyzing a persons character or a social situation, but sometimes I regret that I did not listen to my fear and that I did not avoid the blows that I predicted were coming. Of course getting married has great costs, but it has so many benefits for me as well. This is the only plan I can come up with and it is the best there is. It means I must stay dependent and at their mercy for years. There is no way that these managers will sustain my financial independence here with all the conspiracies going on around here and all the stunts or pranks aimed at deceiving me and others into breaking bonds, starting wars, etc. You have to belong somewhere and be firmly fixated in there so that nobody can break into your life and steal intangible stuff from you or poison you. @Leo Gura thank you very much. I'll be fine in another life, most likely. Maybe it is really bad karma that I gathered in previous lifetimes. That would explain it if I were to start believing in karma from previous lifetimes. I mean, I don't understand who I am as a mind, what differentiates me from all the other minds and how was I created like this in the first place by my own initiative, not by circumstances, cause then there is no Karma if everything is so entertwined, then maybe, I might be suffering someone elses karma. Okay, now I don't know what I'm talking about, cause I don't understand Karma and God enough. The point is, thank you, I will try making new plans as much as possible in writing from now on. You gave me a good idea. How didn't I think of that before. I don't need to have deal-breakers like job opportunities or romantic relationships for learning a new language right now, because it is as highly unlikely that I'll find a job in Germanic states as in Spain in the next 20 years and hopefully I don't become very sick until then to not be able to move, while relationships are very difficult to sustain without getting your finances in order in the first place. I'm hoping to learn some math and open up opportunities for college as well. But that's hardly possible with a overburdened mind and a low IQ. Maybe I could find an hour or two for algebra practice almost every day of the week if I'm lucky. I don't really know where to start. Khan Academy isn't motivating enough for learning math. It demotivates me for some reason. Maybe it is the rating and scoring system, maybe the structure. If I learn Spanish, maybe I'll be able to just travel there from Marocco as a tourist one day and stay for a short while, dating hot girls. No way. At least I'd see the architecture, culture, history, art, beauty and somehow grow internally, although to a limited extent. Better that than nothing. Yeah, learning German is more practical and traveling there might grow me even more, but I made a mistake and I'm not ready to try to fix it yet. I figured a way of writing as I listen to Spanish that makes my memorization process work, but it is still hard. Some people can just hear something and remember it. I require a bit more because my mind ain't as strong anymore. Thank you again, thank you very much. Let's go Leo!

There are just symptoms of a bad life and society. I don't believe in mental diseases.

Oh, sorry, it is not his loss, he is all well now. It is you who lost something. Okay. I will try. You probably miss his intelligence, his spirit, his soul. Maybe he was one of the kind and you had such an amazing person in life and now you feel you lost that valuable uncle. Who can take his place? Yes, it is not good for you. Time will do its work and you will be fine after maybe you take that vacation this year? I'd tell you to sit and reflect like Leo, but I don't know how that works.:) You sit with a piece of paper and a pencil, write down your thoughts and then you tear the paper apart and you're done with it I guess.

Me too. I don't know. This may mean that I should find a job in or look for it in some other place where I have no shelter. This could be achieved for one to two years if I were given a cottage and if I lived modestly on my savings. Maybe I would just have to change my citizenship or somehow move to another country (no way now) and earn money for treatment there. I don't even know how much more time I should stay dependent before I separate from them financially. It's technically impossible as long as I live under their roof, which is this entire land. They also have people who can influence, propagate or threaten abroad. Being alone in nature is something I love. But I won't be left alone, which is the problem. I can't starve in bliss and meditation if I amnot alone. Like welding, masonry, drawing and architecture, carpentry, plumbing and electrical equipment installations, I mean I am indecisive. But it's hardly possible for this enterprise, my life, to succeed because of them.

Tradesman or author or photographer? How am I like drunk when I don't drink, Jesus? Sometimes I wake up almost drunk, now I feel like I have a hangover or something. My health really needs zo be fixed first in order for me to work properly, and my environment needs to change for that, oh.

The Kybalion, Bhagavad Gita and Tao Te Ching attracted my attention the most. Thank you so much @Princess Arabia

Okay then, I also heard somewhere that you have to be familiar with ancient Greek literature and the Bible before delving into literature written after the middle ages. Is that true or should I be able to understand stuff without reading a two thousand year old book and other ones too? Which ancient books are beautiful peaces of art I must read for psychological development acording to you then?

I just heard reading the Bible is good for your psychological development from Jordan Peterson, I mean all the stories from the Bible, not just Jesus Christ. His story is inspiring to me but I am hesitant to take that cross because I calculated I'll fail. It is a tough journey reserved, well, not for me. Oh how much I wish I got familiar withthe Bible stories, not because of Jesus Christ, but because of my psychic development and understanding of that institution that has a big sway over society.

I wish I could trythat out, but it's not available on the market here.

I wish I could write books and sell them. Or be a health food entrepreneur. Or an architect maybe, or rather a ...

My hateful of me family members and terrible members that hold positions of power in my society screwed up my health so much lafies and gents. It feels like I'm so fucking unhappy and unwell. I wish I could be in a forest on a mountain all alone until I die, but they took even that opportunity from me. Why does such evil exist? Why? Is God crazy? Is God insane? Molested me, then made me get the rep my molester should have gotten, then made me become so fucking destroyed. My life is really bad. I understand Emglish but at a rudimentary level so I can't express myself any better anymore, especially in this state of locked awayness in hellish realms.

Seriously, can eating wheat be a serious problem for me and baloney sometimes? I mean I could be allergic to gluten or something. I never had such a big proble with energy, I sleep well and eat well and have only two hours of energy in the morning. The rest of the day I feel suicidal here, not suicidal but rather awaiting my death impatiently for there is really no hope.

The main subjects my native tongue, German, mathematics and English are compulsory. There are also various scientific and artistic subject, social sciences and sport culture, which is also compulsory. Social science subjects: reading European and Asian literature, religion, history, economics, ethics, politics, logic, sociology. Writing and speaking. Foreign languages subjects: speaking with fluency languages such as German, English and Latin. Reading books in these language without much difficulty and understanding everything perfectly. Scientific subjects: a little bit of physics never hurt no body, architecture, mechanics, electrotechnics. What makes me sad is that I was always a terribke student because I didn't know how important studying is and I didn't know about healthy food, exercise and meditation as foundation and just about going to a library to study all day. No, I listened to music and watched porn. What an ignorant fool. Now I'm utterly handicapped and too old to stard from the beginning. Even learning Vulgar Latin is too hard, and that makes me think I should not even waste more money on German. But I have to be able to do these things, because that is all there is in life left for me, is to understand and explainthrough writing and speaking. I want to live life free from sexual desire and gratification forever. I want to be happy without it. The only way to do that is to be healthy, live in a great nation, earn a good salarydoing work I am satisfied with and most importantly just education and enlightenment. Nothing else, except travel a bit too. So what is standing in my way internally and externally? How do I identify the problems and solve them?

Maybe if I created a career as a writer or mechanic engineer and lived near a warm sea, I'd be happy and healthy.

Does Bromazepam cause constipation? I had to take it yesterday because I felt very bad, but now I feel even worse. This morning I felt good and read a book for almost two hours, now reading posts online is kind of difficult.

Okay, so my health has take a big hit. I believe I'm poisoned with heavy metals and plastics and so forth. That is why I want to learn a germanic language and move to a germanic country, so that their doctors can test and fix me or so that I can make enough money to pay them to fix me. This fixing of my health is not a big motivation. The only reason I want more money is to spend it on fixing my health and protecting it. That's a weak motivating factor. Now, I'm taking mendilex again, but I don't think it's causing this constipation. Maybe it is. I took two duxolax pills just now. What could be wrong with my gut when I'm off mendilex and it still doesn't work? I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of losing more and more of my health, sanity, opportunities, intelligence, etc. It's not urgent now, I just want to leave this here for later on, because next week it might get urgent.

Realize that for him this is now beautiful. He is in heaven, immortal, happy, there is nothing better than this. I heard Ancient Egyptians celebrated deaths of their societies members while mourning births. How radical is that!? When I am gone I will want people to just forget about me or have a tear of joy because I got what I want, I became free from suffering and so forth. I hope your uncle had amazing experiences and everything he needed while he was alive, I hope he reached his highest potential as a human being. The only thing left is to feel sorry for him if he didn't, but also happy because now he will get a new chance, a new body, he will just relocalize in another place and his life will go on.

You are a genious. This is brilliant. It works, at least now, cause a day or two from now my stomach can just stop working for an unknown reason while I don't take biperiden. Thank you again.

They stole important papers. They stole trust in me. They are coming ever closer to stealing me.

@Danioover9000 lol It's a bit unwelcoming, but there are probably better structures similar to this one.<3

Parasitic infection is probably the case, but I will not be given antibiotics and antiparasitics because my stool was tested a while ago for work and it didn't show signs of infection. How do I heal my gut from parasites without doctors help?

I appreciate your first class post and will do my best to apply the advice. But I don't really know how I'll structure a diet with 70% fruits and veggies, which can be expensive for me, and I don't know if it will work especially because one pill I take skyrockets my apetite and even my sexual cravings, another side effect is just suicidal thoughts. All these pills and this situation I'm in contribute to suicidal thoughts, but luckily they subsided because of a hope of getting out of here one day.

How much I wish I could read and understand ancient writings, renaissance literature, the enlightenment, idealism and so forth. I wish I could work, but something is dysfunctional with my body and environment. Yes, it is not clean, but that's not it. Yes, I ate lots of wheat flour and sugar and didn't exercise, so that might be it a bit. Yes, I have constipation and take the wrong psychiatric drugs, plus I get poisoned here often, proba ly gassed or infected by viruses on purpose, or maybe not. I can't believe that last part either, because I never saw anybody here gass me or poison me. What can I do? Just sit in here on this site and get fat, sluggish and sick until I go insane? I can't go to a library, it is far away and I don't have a transportation vehicle, nor do I have the confidence and I probably would not be able to work it there either. So something is obviously wrong now in my life. It is serious. I have to let go of my desires for health, education and safety and enlightenment and travel and finding my purpose.

Okay, so in my life I have been experiencing real cruelty and evil in the past few years and especially lately. I'm not sure if I can be open with the details on the forum, but it is getting pretty much close to being worse than what Nazies did in WW2. Let's start with Nazies first. How did Germans get so cruel then? They did atrocities to women and children, torture, rape, and death. Now, if you ask me, I don't find death scary anymore and when I thought Covid came to take my life, I immediately released tears of joy and gratitude, but I ain't that lucky. So in reality, all the people that were killed in WW2 by Nazies didn't get it that bad. It was those that got sick and hungry and tortured and or were subjects of bad experiments or stayed alive the longest with permanent damage to their health later on, they got it really bad according to me. Some Satellite states of Germany also did stuff to innocent people that was terrible. Does this cruelty and inhumanity have anything to do with specific cultures and nations or could other countries be just as capable and willing to inflict pain and suffering of the highest degree onto other human beings. Of course, Nazies tried hiding stuff they did and the ppl attacking me do that as well. But how do you fucking accept a life of pain and injustice and suffering of the highest degree? It is impossible. Today Germany is different. They have social justice and are probably one of the best and least corrupt nations on the planet. People there live in peace and happiness for the most part and can easily survive, while some countries that were victims of that war are now doing similar stuff Nazies did in the past. Of course, it will take a generation shift for this to change and then the country might be, well, like Germany today. Isn't Germany today something else? Aren't most Germans good people now? It is really crazy when you look into it. I shake from terror. I also feel agony when I realize that I'm on a journey that is gonna get as brutal or worse than that of those holocaust victims. And the worst thing of all is that they will cover it all up, no one will know, it will be as though it never happened and like it is all legit. It is gonna be much worse. Yet, these people will never get the bad reputation Nazies got. It will all be systematically, omg Anyway, how do you, can you run away. You get to envy the dead on my journey! I don't know what else to say about it.