at_anchor

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Everything posted by at_anchor

  1. Giving up on the means of expressing myself and showing some beauty that belongs to me would be like failing and losing. I don't know what content to create. It could be something about learning a language with some added tips for a healthy lifestyle. I don't know. My current type of dream is to wait for a couple of years or more, learning a language to get a job in a good country. I don't know what job though. Maybe an electrician. If I was able to drive a truck and have a job like that driving around Europe, that would be even better, but highly unlikely to come to fruition. It's very frightening to create content online indeed. I could fail, make a big fool of myself, get myself into even more trouble, but you're right, I actually don't have that much of anything more to lose.
  2. Okay, I think I understand. I just wish that there was some beauty left to show and that I won't end up being in constant pain and give up.
  3. No one will ever want to employ me and even if someone gives me a chance, I'm gonna be a disappointment, I bet. If not by my own mistakes, then by someone interferring to make sure of that.
  4. I don't fully understand what you want to say. I have YouTube to express myself? I don't know what to say there. I'm trying to learn a new language for now, but I don't know how long I'm gonna be able to keep up with it. Unfortunately, learning a new language doesn't mean I'll actually get to live independently in one of the best countries.
  5. I would love to read it but my health is unfortunatelly not good, circumstances also, and import taxes are huge at least on my account. Maybe in another life. Thank you for writing this. I agree. I agree and am sad that it is how it is. I don't think I'll ever be able to stand by myself anymore. My brain has been destroyed and dignity and time and all.
  6. I don't want to just get hurt in life. Why dis I deserve all the worst in it? There was no romance, very littke health and wisdom, financial well being and travel. What a bummer. I can't wait to die to stop the pain of regreting and of being jealous of the people who sadistically put me down and get more than I could possibly ever want.
  7. I tried XANAX first rime on an empty stomach, but it doesn't help. I bet it won't help me over the day either when I need to be learning.
  8. I'm kind of frustrated after seeing another young and beautiful person going off into the night at midnight, looking around to see if anybody is watching, taking that phone out and probably heading to meet with some, yeah, successful doushbag. I'm so poisoned and defeated, yet in need of love in life again. I don't know if it's that or something else that's making it hard to fall asleep now.
  9. I could do this too and maybe get accurate results but it's crazily expensive. There are many hormones to check for, we're talking about thousands here. Jezz
  10. What if they tell me that I don't have a problem with this even though I actually do?
  11. 1. I react badly to them. 2. No. 3. Maybe I can try that. I did a bit of yoga and calmed down, all day alone and sedantary. I'm still not brave enough to pick the country I want because I'm kind of in poverty and insecurity.
  12. When will I be allowed to move?
  13. In my country corruption videos are unfortunately unavailable. I wish I could see those videos. Anyway, Nordic people are probably a bit better than German, but I'm scared.
  14. I literally can't get out of here. It's so painful.
  15. How long can i wait and try staying sane with so much wasted time and potential until I can get to a place that can help me find out what I am poisoned with and help me heal?
  16. My heart is beating hard and faster than I can remember it beating in the past. I'm scared of getting out there to buy the course I need. The one I bought is not motivating enough because of the economic and political situation in the country. I wish I could find the motivation to learn this language. Maybe it's not me but the circumstances and my current health situation that's preventing me from any kind of work. Although, it's not hard to come here and write this post.
  17. I didn't have an issue falling asleep last night, but I still woke up at around 3:30AM. This is thebest so far. Yesterday and yesterday night helped me heal a bit. I probably have problems with hormones which is what one doctor suspected so other doctorshad to take me off some pills and put me on other ones. Now they are waiting to prove that I have no problem with hormones so that they can put me on hard pills. Somehard chemistry was offered. Today is gonna be abad day though. Also, my urine smells metalic, so that might be a sign of heavy metal poisoning. I know get poisoned, I just don't know with what.
  18. @Buck Edwards hearing that from you makes it sound ten times better and yeah, I got cheered up a bit. @Merkabah Star I'm not amazing, I'm okay and you're amazing. Big love and hugs to you too.
  19. Quite beautifully written. It is excellent. I just don't know how to fix my cognition and sleep yet, but from reading this I'm sure I'll find out some day and hopefully get back to normal. ? Vive la Schizophonia. So I don't have brain damage, but am having a kind of hormonal imbalance? I guess I am under a lot of stress most of the time, but still, I feel it doesn't quite fully explain it, maybe I'm wrong. Something is causing or has caused this brain chemistry imbalance. We'll see.
  20. Hahah Okay, maybe it's not that significant, but it's enough to significantly slow me down, also to make me anxious and depressed. It's getting worse though, it's definitely getting worse. I'm having difficulty with simple calculations and reading. It doesn't have to be that significant. It only needs to prevent me from some stuff. I'll get damaged more when they find a way to get away with making me unable to get out of a wheelchair. Then again, I don't think anyone wants me in a wheelchair and that unconscious.
  21. I do have hope that my heavy brain damage and damage of other organs is reversible. Thanks for your reassurance. But I don't think I'll get to live in a country in a good economical condition to be able to afford the necessary treatments. That's the biggest issue here, that I can't go. So I'll have to be in a weakened state, wasting time, getting weaker until I lose all hope for opportunities that exist there, all because of, yeah, certain others. It's painful. It's not as easy as getting shot in the chest. It's gonna be hell on earth forever until I die. So, just appreciate what you have there in the west. I'm not saying things like this can't happen there too. Maybe they do happen. Maybe they happened in the past. But yup, I'm not gonna escape this place without dying first.
  22. I am grateful for what I have now, these last twp days, for in the fiture I will be even more poisoned, impoverished and dishonored. I've seen them and I know what they want. They want to eradicate me from everywhere. They have the power to position others where they want them to be, well they want to position me in a sickhouse or torture cell forever. So it is gonna get worse before it gets better. Cursed be the day I was born here. No one can help me. My best chances of survival are in western europe, but I can't go there. If I ever end up being allowed to go there I will be so poisoned, sick and too old to move. My mental strength is seriously impaired. My energy fluctuates. It's mostly bad and I lost motivation. Why learn German for example if I'm never gonna be allowed to move there and live a good life? It is the same with my native tongue. It's absolutely useless when I can't be healthy, successful, happy, with friends and love where I am. I regret being born here among evil and so selfish people like these. So why just waste more money on a German course if I can't even know for sure I'll be able to utilize it from problems that are coming my way. This will be a lond, hard and dangerous winter. Winter is coming and so much bad stuff and loss with it. I think escape is impossible. This hell of a life till death sets us apart.
  23. @Merkabah Star Thank you. I watched the video but I haven't done any chelation detox therapy as of yet due to a lack of financial and social stability. I'm trully hoping that the damage done to me through poisoning is reversable in this way and that I'll get into a position from which I'll be able to try it asap.
  24. Yeah, well no one wants to help me get tested for poisoning. I don't have access to that. Don't implicitaly tell me I'm crazy and should be locked up and placed on some pills you Austrian... As well as you French...
  25. @J at Akashic Lights thank you so much for doing this, but please let me complain and express negative emotions and misinterpret a bit. I'm a bit on the edge of losing it all so Yes and no. You think what you're taught to think and if you're lead into thinking badly which then leads to incrediblybad results, no right thinking will be able to change stuff for the better. You could even lose the ability to think. Yes, until a certain point where not even right knowledge can save you. No, no, no and no. That's the road to hell. I was selfless. I still am pretty selfless to a large extent. No, this one just flies out the window. Aha. I don't understand. Easy to say, hard to accomplish. I can't learn anymore. It's hard to live what I learn too. What does that mean? Tell others to never give up on me. I'm not able to fight for myswlf anymore. I can't count more than one or two. My mommy, this forum now, and that's it, maybe that I am still not lost forever, but on the way to being lost forever and in grave danger which is not really understood here at all. Divinity? I don't know if that's possible in certain emotional and chemical bodily states. This quote sounds best of all but I still can't make sense of how that can be achieved. Good bye my beloved. This also sounds right. What's right and what's pleasant? Sometimes the pleasant is right and the unpleasant is wrong.