Striving for more

Leo has a good video on this. Just Watch it...

I am going to delete this journal. And this account Too much sloppiness. I see other journals & it's clear concize bullet lists & mine is that of a raging lunatic. This alone makes me sick. Where is the coherency in my journals. Too much. wtf. I don't even re read a lot of what I written & it's just ranting & venting. This account is done. The mediocrity of this journal is too painful. I manage to turn every good thing sour & toxic. This is it.

**FOREWORD / JOURNAL PROBLEMS : I have created several random journals so far & with my sub optimal energy, cognition & OCD, it is very hard to find structure in anything I do. I am also perfectionistic so something like not phrasing the titles properly can really piss me off & I could spend 30 minutes just deliberating over that. I am probably going to have to take modafinil to even be able to think of how to organize my journal/ Because I am not sure whether to have 1 all inclusive journal, or multiple journals ("success journal, pick up journal, health journal journal" ect...) Also, currently my journal is very random & open it is sort of like my thoughts just flowing out. I'm unsure if I want to change it to a more logical based "today I took X, Did X, made X money blaha blah I dunno I think there's value in both types of journals. Feeling tired as fuck. I just ate beef mince & a ton of vegetables. Now my face is sweating like crazy. Why does everything make sweat, what the fuck. Have so much ambition & passion but such little energy, such a horrible combination. I'm so worried that I am just born like this. Bad luck of the draw. I pray not, I have to try everything I can ... but I will have to take modafinil to have the energy to even start researching stuff & get half the shit I need to do. I have an incredible personality & sense of passion for life. But it's like this dark vortex of mental fatigue is sucking it all away. Then even when I do feel energetic, I have the other shit turning my brain into a useless pile of trash. So few inches away from being just a drunk, pissing away all my money, my dreams so few inches away. I just hope I start to feel better biologically, even if I got rich it would be shit. I have a deep almost angry sense of envy for a lot of people, people on this forum. They just go about there day, learning stuff, working, being creative, investing, just growing exponentially every day. Fucking lucky. I want to do all that stuff, but it's so hard for me to get the energy. Some of these people were born lucky, they got dealt better cards. Or maybe better circumstances, they didn't get exposed to toxins growing up - they function better, just have better brains & biology. That simple. I am fed up of this shit man. I have been motivated for 2 years, but my progressed has been slowed down so much by shitty retarded brain. FUCK YOU FUCK ME I HATE MYSELF. FUCKING DIE. I'm wasting so much time at the moment. Going to wake up at 4AM tomorrow & take some modafinil. I don't believe Modafinil is along term solution, but fuck me do I need it to leverage myself right now. I have about $10K saved up & all in investments, If I don't take modafinil i'll end up losing 10K, If I use modafinil I can turn that 10K into 40K. I probably have about $10K-100K in debt, but FUCK IT. I DON'T HAVE TO PAY IT BACK YET, ALL I NEED LEVERAGE ILL TURN 10K INTO 1 MILLION THEN ILL PAY THE DEBT BACK FUCK U DEBT If I have 40K I can turn it into more, leverage a business, blahalah. But I must have good energy. Unable to structure my thoughts now blah blah will come back tomorrow after modafinil when my fucked up brain works.

So I have just fallen for the same trap ... AGAIN. Social Matrix yesterday : Mum orders chicken kebab at 9PM & I eat it, it was massive & defo reduced some REM sleep there. Social Matrix this evening: I was reading an all time classic book on marketing & sales, zoned in, focused, re reading every word carefully, engaged. I was also ready to meditate & visualize & feel in to my body. But Mum says there's soup downstairs, I haven't spoken to her much recently so the force of social matrix pulls me into kitchen like gravity & the mind rationalises that soup is healthy (even though I have already eaten & would rather fast). Inmediately I see the cake like pudding & my mind b.s's myself that it's fine I'll just have some soup & won't touch it. Stick or Twist : Should I go str8 to my room & not come back down or do I sit down for a little bit (even though I don't want to & I'm kinda busy) Social matrix power strangles my neck & forces me to sit on the chair, then I am sitting there, I see the pudding in front of me, I then decide to just "have a little " & then eventually I have 1 or 2 whole slices, I didn't gorge myself ... but I eat enough to do some damage. I go back to reading but ... It just doesn't feel the same, my brain is just numbed. Eating floury food is just so not worth it, and I already know this, WTF. I know the simplest solution is to move out yet again, but I wanted to be here just a couple weeks to bootstrap myself, I have little money recently ... But I mean fuck like how many times is this happening to me, it's so fucking consistent & I always feel so powerless, I've tried being blunt & I've literraly told her to never offer me food again., but she just forgets. I'm not blaming her, I just don't know how I get the awareness to always say no, it gives me some more reassurance to be able lay out the stepxstep process of the action though, like I normally remember it as "THE RELAPSE" as if it's one explosive moment, but actually it's a sneaky process of incremental micro decisions, rationalizations & b.s your mind does. I should cut out the source of the chain, if mum says "there's some cake" or even "there's some (healthy x) food", that means that there's probably some not so healthy food too. Therefore just NEVER LEAVE UR ROOM, perhaps even intentionally take a long walk if she does that, because it's normally weekends on the evening. Gotta have a dramatic boundary INMEDIATELY AT THE SOURCE, as soons as I take one small step towards the temptation, the game is lost. Recently & really ever since Jan 2022 I have been feeling sort of sick to the stomach every time I write these journals, I know I keep engaging in cyclical thought patterns, I keep having the same problems over & over simultaneoulsy I always compare myself to others, I can't lose no more. No actually, "I can't lose no more" > becomes "I am going to always win now". "I am going to win no matter what". It can't just be about the money, but I need the money to live the lifestyle I need, I need a life of adventure, I need a social existence, I need freedom, I need connection, but most importantly I need passion. And I need passion to both come via my work and to come via my lifestyle, friends, location, nature ect.. This ability to feel passion is intamitely tied to where I live, or where I am if I am travelling. I am far away from a job of passion but, thinking about all these things can bring tears to my eyes. The thought of living a socially successful existence also can bring tears to my eyes. I have fucked up so many times & ended up very alone & miserable, a bad pattern. But I must focus on what I want, although I want many things. I have to get the money first though, I have to focus mostly on that, maybe I have too much passion, difused lightbulb. Well the solution is to get passionate about the money (even though this if false), but I'm passionate about the freedom & lifestyle & everything else that can come after, even the ability to live a career with purpose is possible if I got enough money yeah, overthinking now. Go get the fucking money, I think I need stage red right now, I need stern masculine energy. I shouldn't have eaten that bad food. I should be meditating & visualizing right now, here I am again thinking cyclically again.

I guess it's not as bad as I assumed? I just don't know how this affects my pick up. Do I now have to tell every woman before sex, "by the way I am a nasty creature of permanent disease!"

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@Carl-Richard Were you naturally fluid & clear in your expression or how did you develop it? I ask this because I am now very conscious of how useful & valuable it is to be a combination of structured, concise, fluid, coherent & persuasive in your communication, in order to take better notes, articulate ideas precisely and explain things to others without confusing them. My vocabulary & conceptual understanding has increased a lot, but to communicate the way you do, seems almost impossible to me. Expanding your vocabulary is very easy, using words in the right way is very hard. My thoughts & wording can be so unstructured & un conscise often that I don't even want to read through notes I have, So I view this verbal communication as a superpower, I don't mean knowing big words I just mean fluid expression basically, also balanced expression & the abillity to say the right amount, without udner or over explaining or overthinking (like i'm doing right now!)

Also Leo .. "and you see all the jerks and assholes getting all the girls" "pick up is a low consciousness thing" "u have to play the games to win" Also fact > women writing Ted Bundy love letters in his cell .... ? But you can have attractive subcommunication confidence & authetnicity & really good verbals and still be an asshole or "low in consciousness". U can authentically be an asshole? (I don't want to be an "asshole" just playing devils advocate here because I don't like the contradictions).

THE 80/20 RULE APPLIES TO THIS FORUM TOO!!! OHHHHHHHHHHH. NOW I GET IT !!!!!!!

During these type of moments it's obvious that I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'm journalling when there's no reason to, no compulsion, whatever insight compelled me to write is already long gone in the distance & now I'm just writing & in these moments i need to let go of the thinking mind & go outside or something. It's 1st of April 2022 today. Today is a fresh start. I have some free time this morning. Life Architect day today because it's 1st day .... I must use the power of fresh start. Decide goals Pre - mortem for the month > List all every action I won't take that impedes success, brutally honestly ... especially acknowledging the "Good" or "neutral" stuff when overdone or poor context/prioritization becomes toxic. Examples : Watching motivation video > Getting the energetic boost > continuing to watch the video instead of doing what I should be doing, this is stupid af & why I try to avoid them unless needed. Getting all pumped up & motivated at night instead of winding down >> using screens & stimulating activity >> leading to less sleep time & REM Sleep >> wake up later, slower & start the day off worse >> Can create domino cycle of failure Not taking optimal dose of a substance > instead taking too much or too frequently : E.G : I drink coffee & started taking L - tyrosine recently, these seem to benefit me very clearly & probably remove my ADHD by 30% A.Huberman reccomends not relying on it & taking once per week & warns how there's a crash & a cost ... yet I am already taking it 3 days in a row >> I have not experienced a cost YET though Coffee** (This is the most important for me to get right) >> I normally stick to 1 cup in the morning & then STOP. But this morning I'm already on 2/3 coffees & that's WAYY too much ... I am too caffiene sensitive & don't want jitters insomnia or a vicious cycle of morning fatigue. Doing the right stuff at the wrong time >> Doing creative work in the morning & doing focused work at night For example. I can't be perfect as I have certain commitments & work & chores, but aim to get my timing as good as I can. Going to the supermarket at the wrong time >> During rush hour, during my most productive hours for study. Supermarket should be left to weekend evenings. In fact, maybe no supermarket & I should start ordering stuff, it's more rational but I have an aversion to bulk buying, I'm just stuck with this habit of "I'm out of food lets go get a bit, then again 3 days later & again ..." but this takes so much time man. I could've learnt french in the amount of time I've hit the supermarket. Prioritization, Timing, Big Picture, Top Down : Laziness is often not my issue, it's working hard at the wrong thing, or giving too much weight to the small fish & forgetting the big fish, or doing the right things at the wrong time. This is difficult art form, but don't focus on how I struggle, how can I develop this? ... How can I master this ability? This multiplying meta ability? Using Hours vs "days" > Calculate the hours > Pre program, Calendar Blocks I intuit this will eliminate stress, the biggest source of stress for me has always been a lack of conscientiousness, worrying that I won't do all my tasks & or get my prioritees straight This can simply be solved by calculating how much free hours I have > Then deciding what' I'll do in those hours, starting with the highes prioritees first, Removes stress by showing that I do infact have tons of time, even after sleep, work & chores & If I feel overwhelmed ... More questions to ask How can I create more time for what matters? (eliminate everything unnecessary firstly) Eliminate (Replace), Optimize or delegate I'm not able to delegate yet, but Lots of optimization & replacements 20 minutes of going supermarket + 20 minutes cooking? Nah that's 40 minutes of learning French or marketing, no cleaning cooking ect... Only cook low maintenance meals once per weak if possible, when cooking listening to Audio learnings Exercize for the right amount of time > Maxium of intense exercize for 20 minutes, DO NOT get too in to it, DO NOT exercize for an entire hour. DO NOT exercize in afternoon or evening - so inneficient = having to shower multiple times ect.. No more gym because the travel takes too much time, being on the bus makes me feel like a fucking loser & identity is very important, I gotta feel rich to become it. Recap >> CALCULATE THE HOURS (16 hours per day, 1H getting ready + chores = 15H per day, 1H cool down = 14+ Hours per day) > Then minus work I got enough time, just gotta be clear in my intentions. This journal becoming messy, time to hit pen & paper & calculate my hours, get everything clear in my head. This month is gonna be fucking awesome dude. I don't want to journal again on here this month, I don't even have time. I will come back in 30 days, a different man. A KING.

I keep breaking my integrity with distracting thoughts. stay focused on the work (Or just on being in the present moment itself), thinking is a very abused & overrated tool, I should only think & speak less, that is a continuous pursuit. Every time I indulge in my overthinking addiction > I run outside naked on the fucking street & scream "BITCH". (Or maybe something still embarassing but less inciminating huhuh) For the craftsman with only a hammer every object looks like a nail, but in reality only a nail is a nail, and thinking is mostly useless & cyclical. We ironically spend so much time thinking in useless ways when we should be just doing or feeling or whatever, but then when it actually comes time to think & the "nail comes" the hammer is not there. Almost no one has the tools & that's why everyone's so mediocre. BUT NOT ME ANY MORE, MUWHAHAHAHUAHA HEHHEHE The hammer is things like the premortem technique or targeted self reflection (post mortem). XP Boost = Action (90%) XP Boost = *Deliberative purposeful conscious thinking (10%) XP Boost = Regular Dynamic balance between the 2 > Act act act > Reference XP / Data > Reflections/conclusions/ post moretm pre mortem. That's it, thinking must be in reaction to Or in anticipation of purposeful action. I've been holding this hunch that Watching netflix can be used for personal devleopment & spiritual growth, I think this is true. Life is all about Experiments. ... Just started overthinking again. STOP AHHH ACTION NEVER THINK IT HURTS KEEP DOING SHIT KEEP DOIN SHIT & SLEEP + ACTION NO THOUGHTS NO SELF MOFO. ARHHH.

I am pro no fap but it's unrelated to sex. I am pro sex like all of the no fappers, the point of no fap is to motivate you to fulfil your sexual desires how it's meant to be, there is no thing as too much sex, besides that is an inversion of the problem for most of us guys out there lool. Women shouldn't even think about this topic imo, I would want my girl to be masturbating, if she isn't masturbating & thinking about me like a clingy dog 24/7 while I'm gone then goodbye half - hearted chica.

I planned to not post again for 90 days but due to seemingly uncontrollable forces, I am stuck awake & unsettled so I posted, I guess braking my integrity a little. This evening I broke my 2 day streak : Watching a DIY Video to fix the bedroom lighting : ooh how feminine her energy is, look at those white teeth, the skin, how skinny & frail she looks, as soon as I saw her face & expressions it was over, I fapped within about 10 minutes, it was like a force & the voices took over. Tonight I endrudged in ancient pattern of inappropriate night time hyper curiosity, googling clairvoyance & psycho phenomena & reading posts about Jesus & his supernatural abilities, I became laser zoned in on my phone reading about this random shit that, normally I never think about. Then going into bed, over stimulated, I started thinking about witch energy & became unwittingly & visually retrospective & my mind pulled out unsettling past facts & experiences ... that I didn't want to be reminded of, that I had even repressed for years ... my energy became tighter & this when I decided to fap, my energy was so unsettled that this fap was an instant reaction to all these unpleasant thoughts that I didn't want to entertain any more, so I just fapped to distract myself. So ... Now I am 2 faps down & struggling to sleep, I can't blame myself, this all feels like it happened through forces outside my control, but some lessons learnt. When at the early, horny & impulsive phase of the no fap streak, one must not look at any attractive feminine ladies even with innocent intentions (apparently DIY videos aint safe ; ) Once I'm past 7 or 10 days even though I'm way hornier (And also karmically luckier some reason) ... Counterintuively my self control to not masturbate is a lot higher ... It's easier to just continue not fapping after 10 days than to not fap a day after fapping. I don't like how deep my subconscious mind went tonight, I might have to rethink the mushroom trip, I don't want to deal with trauma, just give me $ & hoes.

Sociopathic Ruthless Money Making , Selfish, Fucking Robot. 3 Months, 100 hour weeks. Last post. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vg_4tpX3EQ (Add some lyrics to music like this ... less isn't more; multiplier effect, add high pitched female voice, acoustic guitar, the kinda trance like music I wanna hear when I'm at my eyes wide shut esque fuck fests, those rich people tuxedo orgasms that I'm attending every month, ... dark esoteric high echelon fuck fests.)

Perspectives ... Perspectives. I'm acknowledging now the depth of the void in my world view. I think I've listened to too many self help & pick up guys now, nothing negative about them, just somethings lacking. let's drink the self help juice from other places ; the successful criminal, warrior, psychologist, or just any type of person u completely overlooked. Psychologist ... It's been so long that I actually just ... listened to an actual psychologist. I think a good psychologist has something unique to offer, even a certain charm. And I think warriors & gangsters, they are good for brute force, they're attitude is as extreme as it gets for when u know you're just being weak little b**** & you need to step up & cut out the sleep & grind & fight your way to a better position in life ... Just a perspective, but it has it's place. Sometimes self help isn't enough, sometimes I feel like I need to listen to the most extreme & sociopathic people out there to see through my own bullshit ... I'm sure the "softer side" of personal development also has it's place, maybe, but I haven't had much success with it, the self acceptance video exercize didn't resonate with me, although the letting go stuff does & I suppose they're 2 sides same coin. I fapped 2 times today & there was a fork in the road between continuing to focus & getting distracted & I got distracted. what happened is I chose to listen to Leo instead of focus on my own life, it's my Problem of 1. Conceptual Shiny object syndrome 2. Impatience >> I went for a walk & was relistening to some of Tyler's program & he was talking about paradigms & how some advice or obvious truths u need some reason u just can't let it land, it doesn't click until months or years later when in hindsight it becomes so fucking obvious, then I was like shitt I see what he means, the solution was childishly simple & basic & I didn't realize or acknolwedge, the guy who offered help but I just filtered it out, the advice I couldn't allow myself to resonate with that I needed ... this is a problem & hindsights a bitch, then saying how some things u just won't be ready to realize until u beared enough pain (although apparently some release work can accelerate the process), but I didn't wanna accept this, I thought surely u can train urself to realize the obvious quicker, surely? So then I started realizing simultaneously within myself how for so long there were all these simple, obvious fucking solutions hiding in plain sight, that I sort of knew but didn't acknowledge & lost years .. years & years of my life due to my lack of firm acknowledgment & then simultanouesly holding anxiety & frustration over my slow ability to akcnolwedge & adopt but + this impulsive urge clawing at me to investigate these concepts, & I noticed owen use the word paradigm within this talk too > So then I decided to watch leos paradigms video > BUT I Chose to do this as I was getting in to work flow & doing my important tasks, shit, but my brain said "hey this video might be groundbreaking dude" Well I couldn't wait & the video was boring & dissapointing, too much about science & philosphy & impractical & actually had little to do with my question, I need to get better at specifying my questions & what I'm tryna work out, (I'll do a google search of my question because there's somehting niche about it & enver heard it mentioned recently or maybe theres a related cognitive bias)maybe to some but didn't resonate, then after that I spiralled into bad habits, too much youtube, I fapped twice in a row & ate protien foods quite late (my new eating plan = daytime = protien & fats, early evening = carbs & leave several hours) So it sucks because I lost my Commitment esque Weekly planning / Life - architect sunday. I had a decent start but lost the momentum. I've been trying so hard to wake up early recently but still my body woke up at 10AM Today, I don't know if I'm just a massive night owl genetics or something, I desire to wake up very early for the next 2 or 3 months, I like being a night owl but with my current environment it works to be up early, or I get no sunlight. Im probably writing too much ESSENCE : Warrior Discipline, grindset & brute force perspective, No B.s No distractions. No more Leo >> I have 2 exercize sheets to implement (This is what he'd want from me anyway, "95% of the results come from the exercizes" Otherwise listening to leo = Netflix.) So no youtube books or leo during work & strategy hours >> Premortem & questions exercises, life architect sunday & Brute force fucking work. It's warrior time, no emotions, warrior grindset time. 2-3 Months, then soft flowery me can sparkle into a rainbow, a rainbow of pretty women & flowers ** Maybe all this writing & thinking even is "feminine energy". I get it, I will not post much the next 3 months. Sociopathic Warrior Masculine energy > Life archiector > lay out the goals > visualize > go after ruthleslly until mission complete. I HAVE A DUTY NOW. IMAGINE I END UP BEING A FRAUD, ALL THESE JOURNALS COMMENTS FOR WHAT? FOR NOTHING? TO PISS MY 20'S AWAY? No. Young, rich & powerful > I decide the combination, Not old & powerful. I decide, to go after it, without apology NOW. * Now side note about why I bang on about communication, my ability to think & practically journal is mostly bound my communication ability, which is extremely patheitcally weak, I could've probably written that journal with 3X less words & yet still said more & explained what I meant better, it aint easy I guess I didn't value this growing up no one showed me how so just like I had to catch up with technology so, slow start

Focus on the goals, focus on what I want ... focus.

26/03/2022 : 12PM I'm considering never eating gluten again, EVER... I've finally realized that gluten FUCKS up my brain. How I feel after eating Gluten (For at least a day after, maybe several) : Anger Impulsiveness Worse vision Poor concentration Judgemental of others Stuck in thought loops Gluten for me is anti - spiritual, I feel dark energy inside me, like a negative Karama wave came through me, I feel unlucky, this may be woo-woo but It's a physiological feeling I couldn't fabricate. Before I ate the pizza I felt the opposite; physically empty (in a good way, like after an Intermittent Fast), fulfilled, focused & was deriving pleasure form effort, mind was positive & seeing relevant solutions, both mundane & creative, to get to my goals faster. I would actually compare this pizza with the feeling I'd get after smoking some low quality unregulated weed, a dark, dizzy & toxic feeling. I have shit to do, I don't even have time to journal like this right now, BUT ... I want to learn the lesson, I want to never feel this way again. *Probably the other ingredients are guilty too, e.g : cheap fish or the bad cheese (assuming they'd use the cheapest ingredients). I'll probably eat an ice cream or chocolate sundae sometimes , a little can be worth the enjoyment, but gluten ... No way, I never want these mood consequences again.

General Brain Recycling : Shadow side article - Interesting > too much to process right now > Bookmark > defo consider later I have noticed within myself the shadow side coming out specifically in social interactions, my buried aspects still there, alive & waiting to be activated, I've realized (like sometimes months later) > that sometimes my shadow would just get triggered & this would be off putting to people, aspects of me I need to let go, at least maintain awareness of when they arrive ... I hope awareness alone is curative with this stuff, I don't have time for shadow work, blow my head off cos I can deal with so much. I must improve at writing, so my journals are 80/20 thoughts & easy to navigate & go back on. I want a more structured mind, I am naturally creative, but I believe a structured organized mind & life enhances creativity, I think it's a weakness I should take responsibility for, not a strength I'm denying, there's no benefit to unstructured thoughts & life. All I want for a while is just deliberate fucking practice, deliberately practicing sex, pickup, networking, music, foreign language, communication skills, marketing persuasion, investing trading. Just lvl the fuck up, XP to the fucking moon ... Eventually I'll chill out & smell the roses, but I just want that XP, that's why it makes me SICK how I took the social matrix for granted for so long, for so long I wanted to explore all these things, books, sports, piano, foreign language, pick up, but Ah the social matrix, temptation here, bad influence there, discouragement there, fucking sucks man that 14 year old kid really had the fire & the fucking flame was doused ... I just can't let it go, I just can't, I have to accept that reality is brutal, I have to remember how much worse the social matrix can be, I have to imagine being a Iranian woman & of course I don't take it for granted now, I just can never catch up, that's the darkest thing, the growth I could've got if I was just encouraged to go with my fire, how powerful i'd already be, it just angers me. The Social Matrix is a powerful force, gravity is a bad analogy, gravity only pushes you downwards, this force is omnipotent, omnidirectional, omnipresent. The only solution is STRONG boundaries & environmental barriers to others. I should develop mindful eating. Mindless eating of today : I fried 10 eggs (intended for 2-3 days use) >> I start eating them, as I'm eating them instantly enmeshed in random thought loops & within seconds forget that I'm even eating ... many seconds later, I look at the almost empty bowl of eggs & I'm like "WHAT DA FUCK DAWG!?" WHAT? It's like I didn't even remember eating the eggs I intended to eat 1 slice of pizza > BOOM HAPPENS AGAIN, I forget i'm even eating & then, it's almost gone, this time wasn't as extreme as the eggs though, I did have some awareness & memories of the process, I noticed how my brain kept rationalizing the next step (slice 1 done > "just a 2nd slice, it won't make a difference" > "ok now just half a slice" > boom boom & then I'm enmeshed & just eat the entire pizza It's frustrating because I had no intention nor desire to eat anything like that, especially in the late evening ... but then my mum came & said "Hey I'm getting pizzas do you want one?" From here was my brain's initial BSrationalization : "Just say yes because u can leave it in the fridge & eat it another day as a "cheat meal" on a sunday (This rationalization appeared & was accepted instantly) Social Matrix Part 2 : Mum knocks on door "Your pizzas going cold!" (As I'm trying to focus & upgrade my brain, my reading timeblock intercepted & then boom I'm suddenly in the kitchen eating the pizza) Yes .. Logically I could've just said "I'll eat it tomorrow!" > But I didn't & I never do, jus something triggered a pattenr in my brain I don't understand it's like every time this situation occurs, something just happens to my brain, & I just don't say no, I've been through this situation many times before, whether it's Christmas dinner or some other shit & my mum just says "Here look" & my brain just switches off, I almost feel powerless like this. I need a stronger boundary because I will be staying with my mum at the moment, It's tough, I've told her to never offer me food about 2 or 3 times in the past but she just forgot my requests, I can't hate her for it because she just simply ... doesn't understand & I rather let her just be her at htis point than even try & explain, this is the social matrix. Anyway stronger boundaries it is, I'll do whatever it takes, I'm going to write a note on my inside door "ALWAYS SAY NO TO JUNK FOOD, MAKE AN EXCUSE DON'T LISTEN TO UR BRAIN, NO!. I coudln't care less about being fat, I just need mental sharpness & energy, it's so important for me right now, I don't want to work 24/7 all summer with all these gaps & frustrations no time for pickup & I need money fulfilment a cool lifestyle a nice car a house ... pizza won't accelerate that. 25/03/2022 : 21:41 I don't regret journalling here but i just noticed how Im taking it too seriously again, re reading it & then getting lost in the internal stories of my own petty frustrations, "Just let it go bro let it go" "The present moment is all there is" blahbblah, Awareness, screen time needs it's limits, every tool can become a distraction.

So I skipped through timestamps in science of setting goals video & it has some practical tips : Example : "It's double as effective to visualize the negative consequences of not achieving your goal than to visualize the positive outcome". so i'll skip through heavy science & context & go straight to the tips because his perspective seems to be worthy of consideration However, I've looked up criticisms that he uses low quality studies & so his claims can't be trusted .. i don't know.

It always baffles me when I hear "Sooo high in vitimin C ... 200% ! " Surely it's diminishing returns after 100% ? Or is it that large percentage of the vitimins in food not bioavailable & so 200% becomes useful ?

Man I just keep coming back to listening to Owen's program this shit was so good even passive listening on repeat has changed my mind, upgraded my brain, not merely in compiling facts or tips, but just my mindset & how I think, even better ... How I feel about life has changed. I still got more notes & exercises to do. started 1 ongoing exercize : Auditing my life, I'll gradually habituate this habit until it's part of me. Gotta audit everything. Gotta see the negative & oppurtunity cost in even good things & either optimize, eliminate or replace it. E.g Gym? Yeah but how much time does it take from you? how much time walking there & back ect... ? Maybe get a bench press in my room? Boom, can do other tasks in between sets too, nothing wasted, instantly upon waking > shower, money saved & u can sell it back online. Basic example but .. I build the habit, developing a proactively evaluative & prioritizing mind, an optimizing mind. There's something about Owen, like he figured out how to connect the left & right hemisphere, & really doubled down on the right one. That's his main USP. Not all his thoughts unique & esoteric, but even with mainstream ideas his conveyance is potent. I need my ego, ego is powerful, it's a hidden force, hidden secret, it's raw fuel that gets the motor going. I love my ego, I don't ever wanna lose it, I need it, not always. But sometimes it's what u gotta pull out, it can really fuel you into motion. Integrating all aspects of myself, including the dark, vengeful, competitive, desire to prove others , all of these can be harnessed just like higher purpose can Urrrh I'm feeling soo fucking inspired every day now, so much fire inside of me, I'm not happy, I'm terrified ... terrified of the potential I wasted, I just hope life gives me another chance before it's too late.

I can't even work out which one it is ... I don't have any time to visit a doctor due to schedule. Wanted to go see a cool event but it's akward now that I have this. Terrible timing. I don't think it's herpes because I ate lots of citrus fruit yesterday & apparently that can cause canker sore. It's on the lip but not exactly inside or outside, which is not promising because if it was at least fully inside i'd know it was not herpes

Generally success is more heavily influenced by like persistence, hard work, emotional intelligence, social skills .. And there's way harsher problems in life than mediocre IQ Leo & others have dismissed IQ as culturally biased & perhaps even just wrong, arguing for multiple intelligences theory & different brain types. However I'm pretty sure G, (general intelligence) is a solid fact of life. People are normally either good at most things, or bad at most things. If your brain generally functions smoothly & process information quickly, then you will probably be good (and a fast learner) in most domains. If you have down syndrome, you might be an awsome banjo player or something specific, but generally you will suck at most things in life & not be on the same plane as most others. You cannot increase IQ & it genetic unless reduced e.g due to stunted development (which I'm pretty sure you can't just undo the damage 20 years later?) So If I was exposed to toxins & mercury from a young age, and that stunted my brain development, it's unlikely I will be able to get that back. Leo claims the ACC ritual boosted his cognition but his cognition was clearly pretty good in the first place & then got worse but his brain had already developed. He was clearly able to think well even with an atrocious diet as a teen & was philospohically inclined. My claim is that probably, brain toxin - induced brain damage from a young age, unless treated early on, is unfixable, there is permanent damage or stunting that one must accept because look, if you devoid a plant of sunlight & nutrition or trample on it, it's not gonna miracously recover or reach it's full growth potential later on if you add some healing ritual. As for the Productive side of this question : Should I give up on all heavy learning based pursuits & accept that it is not for me? Why play to my weakness or listen to leo unless it's about dumb stuff like pickup, I am not mentally competent so am I better off doubling down on simple stuff like social intelligence, business, hard work, & giving up more intellectual. Apologies, this topic is waffly & slightly anti personal development, I recognize there's more to life than IQ, But I had this fantasy in my head that detoxing myself of toxins would "Raise my IQ back to average intelligence or above "where I was meant to be all along" ", but now I'm trying to avoid dissapointment & considering that probably, I was dealt bad hands genetically or exposed to too much that stunted me as a kid, different to leos situation whereby he developed cognitive decline due to environmental factors but his brain structure had already been formed in a sufficient manner. some people born tall handsome & others deformed midgets, so why not like this in cognitive capacities. A midget can never become 6 foot tall yet leo claims intelligence is something you can cultivate.

Respect for Tony Robbins ... But Gary V & Grant Cardone are cringe & have some toxic Grindset takes Especially Grant Cardone, at least Gary V has some business ability, Grant Cardone is full of shit !!! Complete scammer & just an empty guy & an utter imbicil Watched Jordan Belforts & cofeezilla video & see Grant Cardone as just an empty scammer.

Watch "Awareness alone is curative" (act.org) (Also watch leos healthy food video) Remove all cues & triggers : Don't live next to a store with sweeties Don't have candy in your house ect.. Don't guilt yourself if you relapse, just apply awareness. Avoid perfectionism : 80% of the time is better than most people. Honestly developing awareness is probably the ultimate strategy. It's the difference between logical "knowing" vs true knowing (this is how you really learn & change, when you become aware of what's really going on). P.S : I'm not completely free from it but my diet is significantly better than it used to be most of the time & it's gradually getting better & more consistent, awareness is a difficult, counter-intuitive skill & it will take time. It might be a gradual grind to change your diet so stay patient & count the small wins. You could even swap chocolate for dark chocolate > go 50 > 60%, > 70%, then 80% (quite healthy now) & eventually you could switch to raw dark chocolate.