mandyjw

Only if you throw him out.

Snips and snails and puppy-dogs' tails, sugar and spice and everything nice

I've been really focused and productive lately. I have channeled my inner Martha Stewart. I started using a journal that I started after reading about bullet journaling. I sort of used the principal but turned it into my own thing. I use a page each for several categories of my life. I'll have a page for the entire month and things I'd like to do. I have a page for wants. Usually I'll write something out and be like, why don't I just take action on that right now? And I do. I write when I'm inspired, and I'll look at it when I want some guidance or momentum or just feel like it. When I first started it under "wants" I put "a lobster jello mold." I wanted it because someone I follow has one as a joke cause it looks like a dick from a distance. Is it a dick or a lobster? This is the magic of imagination. So I was like, "what is keeping me from making this idiotic whim a reality??? Oh, myself and my caring what other people think, and I went right ahead and bought one off eBay. I should have known. It's not JUST a lobster mold. Well, obviously, but it's not JUST a lobster mold that also looks like a dick. Looking at it on the wall, I got even more inspiration. Get your mind out of the gutter people. I was also watching Mrs. Maisel and decided since I have a copper theme in my kitchen to just get a whole collection of copper jello molds and line the kitchen like the 50's. I remembered my Grandmother's and how much I loved them, they struck me when I was a kid, how pretty they were. So I guess what happened was that once I lined the kitchen with them I stopped thinking people thinking the lobster was dick and started thinking, "oh my God, I'm just like my Grandmother." So for the past couple days I've been questioning, what do I DO with this? What does "your inner being never look back, mean? Do I look back, knowing this is also looking forward? How does this all feel? I was kinda lost, but wanting to sort of connect with this feeling or not wanting to be associated with her, but feeling that way anyway. I asked Mom for a picture of her, and she brought out an album that had only the first few pages filled. I don't remember any of the pictures. I started look at them and the most recent one of her made me tear up instantly. The death of my maternal Grandmother happened two years ago, and coincided with some fast intense spiritual realization and it was an entirely different experience with lots of emotional purging. But this grandmother died when I was 16 and I remember being so fine during the funeral and then grief just hitting me in the shower after it was all done, and not really knowing how to process. One of the big realizations I had when my maternal Grandmother died and even happening years before was that I had let my Dad's judgements color my own relationship and judgements of her. He was incredibly judgmental. And so was I. I thought this was truth. My Grandmothers couldn't have been more opposite, one incredibly loving, content, but naïve and the other sharp, and judgmental, unhappy. But still, he found great flaws in the both and criticized them all the time. Bleh, this feels like writing a dumb story. Maybe I'll continue later, depending on how it feels. I'm cautious about past digging. Maybe for good, reason, maybe too cautious. It's like learning to walk, you fall on your butt sometimes. That's ok. Anyway, looking through the photos I kind of thought how photos are just "imagination aids" and I could use them to tell any sort of story, mostly in connection or identification with myself. I didn't have a very nice wardrobe, so for my senior pictures, my sister loaned me hers. In one of the pictures I wore a black halter dress and a cowboy hat, it wasn't like me at all, but it made a great picture. One of the boys on the cross country team rode the same bus as her and stole it from my friend and put it with his other "pictures" in his wallet and I didn't know whether to be disgusted or flattered. I think all we are each other's imagination aids. They'll just do whatever they want with us. Masturbation aids or target practice, who knows? Depends on mood. Everything depends on mood. Lobster, or...? So today I gassed my car up and noticed that someone waited for the pump behind me a minute and then had to turn around to get to a pump. I watched the pattern of "I inconvenienced someone, I shouldn't even be here" come up. If I hadn't spent my entire sheltered life in such a rural area, I would not have had the privilege of maintaining this shit without giving it up out of anger or pure frustration, I suppose. Then I noticed that they drove a Navigator that had a sticker on it that said "I'm only speeding because I have to poop." That made me feel better about inconveniencing people and taking up their time.

Please don't smack Matthew because he is just quoting Jesus, and Jesus also talked about treasure in heaven, not on earth. Really, the material realm just doesn't matter. Because WE aren't matter, there's no matter that matters.

You just gotta start telling a different story. Turn around what you don't want to what you DO want. I remember before coming to this forum I started to think I had a horrible Facebook addiction. I'd go on there, not realizing what I was looking for. Conversation? I wasn't enjoying it much at all. I tried using blockers, it didn't work cause I have a business that requires Facebook. Then I came here, and had some amazingly productive, deep, engaging conversations. Then Facebook became a useful tool, and I never did anything to address the "addiction." Stop beating up on yourself for the way things are. Just acknowledge how you want them to be and start finding inspiration to make small changes. I've done this in so many areas of my life from overeating to too much caffeine. The more I shame myself and guilt myself for an addiction the more I double down on it. The more I focus on the fun of feeling better, the more amazed I am at how quickly I can turn something around. It also helps to journal through it. Write down every miserable, shitty thought. Have a dry sick sense of humor with it all. It's really hard to focus on them and not start to see how funny it all is. Have you ever been really mad or really pissed off and then you just sort of noticed something, the sky or whatever, and you almost get angry because THAT thing is not ALSO angry and even you yourself seem still like it in a way, even though you really feel like to be true to yourself you should be angry? And you almost feel like you are being disloyal to yourself? No? Am I the only weird one? Well the nature of awareness is always just chill, so that's why it happens. It's always just... aware, just creating, just... a blank page. This all can turn on a DIME. Everything. It can, and you can get really good at making it turn around on a dime, and when you do, you'll be like "OH MY GOD, I just DID that!" And THAT is way more interesting than the improved situation or what the situation was before. You are infinitely powerful. Sometimes we start our stories out in real shitty places just for the magic of contrast, to prove to ourselves how amazing we really are. You have the power to throw your power away, THAT'S how powerful you really are. Funny, right? Rather than feeling you're failing, just marvel in the knowledge of that power that you can not, could not, ever lose.

? Or they then only attract a certain type or women that are conditioned to find those things attractive because they think those markers reflect on their own worth too. It creates this entire culture where all kinds of unnecessary work is done, and an immense amount of thought and effort goes into something that's already inherently effortless and so beautifully NATURAL. Stems from trying to think one's value instead of just realizing and being one's value.

Suddenly that Queen video seems just as funny and brilliant as ever.

So the misunderstanding is "I am a thought". But the misunderstanding is also the understanding. (FUCK me. ?) I am only a thought, I only ever experience me as a thought. So if someone identifies with being not-good enough, insignificant, whatever else, and they also experience obsessive thinking, they already know that they can't trust or believe their thoughts, and they think that if they can get rid of the thinking, they can get rid of themselves. Or if they can get rid of themselves, they can get rid of the thinking. Themselves = the problem. Themselves = thought. Thought = problem. Law of attraction and the very nature of thought to create means if you're stuck in this cycle, you are absolutely fucked. If YOU think YOU are a problem, you perpetuate you, and if you think thought is a problem you will get more of it it. It's a vicious cycle, you created, but also trapped yourself in. SHIT. All of the spirituality, was as much the problem as solution. The problem is the same as the solution. The very "die to self", transcend the ego teachings become the perfect validation for a self who that already trying to off itself for years. What does "free" of thought really mean? Is it being expressive and free to think, or NO thought? I THOUGHT Eckhart Tolle meant I had to be free of thought to have spiritual attainment, ie, to be happy. He was another man I threw my own guidance away with in recognition of authority, which I saw as a means of getting what I wanted. Dissolution. "He" was, like all true spiritual teachings, problem AND solution. The "power of now" means, they are the same fucking thing. Abraham Hicks taught me how to vibrate as the solution. What if it's free WITH thought, and free of thought? "It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength. We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter their color; equal in importance no matter their texture." Maya Angelou It doesn't seem like it fits at first, but it does.

Jesus. Did I DO this? Is this my fault? Is it my fault for holding shitty perspectives? For buying them? Did I throw my power away? I found solace, forgiveness and transcendence in Christianity of this whole powerless perspective, and more or the deepest, sharpest power taking misogyny in how it was typically practiced. I guess every great story has a pretty shitty beginning. I am after all, an androgynous author. Power is my creation. power Old French povoir, noun use of the infinitive, "to be able," If I'm able to throw my power away, isn't that power?

I'm not important. I feel like most everyone passes over or ignores my posts of advice here, maybe because I'm female and I try to argue for a perspective of joy in little things, cause I see that missing here. Why do I even bother if I myself don't buy it sometimes? I don't "buy" it. I project that life ought to be more free, more relaxed, less pressure to become, to get to, and yet here I am doing the same. If I can't be content in being small, do I think if I can convince the world, that I'll finally feel ok? What's the point of marketing? What's the point of playing the game? It does work for good. Bleh. Hit a wall. Not getting anywhere. Maybe some George Ezra, will help, he's a successful man. Maybe if I was hotter, more confident, and the hotness would bring the confidence, I could just have a piece of it. I suppose that's all women can bring to the table. For a time. I'm already past it. Every time I dress and paint myself into hot I feel sick and fake. I suppose that's a perspective that doesn't agree. Every time I ignore my looks I feel invisible and feel I have to work to stay that way, and hide. 'Cause life imitates art If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby? You tell me, "Life isn't that hard" Every single fucking movie you saw growing up, the woman is beautiful, strikingly beautiful. Every story you love, they turn it into a movie and Hermione is pretty. We can't make her the way she was written in the book, she has to be beautiful. There's money at stake. The only way women make money, and get success is by being attractive. Didn't a woman WRITE Harry Potter? Yeah, that's cause you don't see authors. J.K.Rowling. She didn't use her name on it for a good fucking reason. What would make me feel better? "Universe, I would have enjoyed Jack in Titanic more if you'd just cast some real ugly bitch for Rose. " I don't like to look dull in comparison to shiny beautiful things. Dim the stars for me God. They make feel insecure. Done, it's called light pollution. Light pollution! What a concept! The lesser light is too bright up close, so I can't see the supposed greater ones that are far away. Which IS lesser and which IS greater? Clever. Even sharing this, isn't really authentic. I think this video is brilliant, but also feel like it's making fun of women and that I'm really not cool or funny at all for feeling that way about it. I don't know what I want. Just like a woman. Am I looking for a resolution? I never wanted to be a woman. I never wanted to be a man either. I never wanted to be both or neither. I've heard that I'm beyond all that. It seems a solution, that is not. Maybe I want a dissolution. Maybe I've been trying to avoid, trying to be cool, trying to work it all out, trying to work myself out of the equation. Source, dissolve me, get rid of me, I'm damaged goods, not worth much, never was. What is all-powerful perfection supposed to do with that? It's like oil and water.

Woooooow. All that self judgement trying to fit in with what other people think, trying to be happy, but not just allowing happy. Even with spirituality, I'll do it, I'll do it again. Especially with spirituality. I'll take the best teacher I can find and turn it into a big fat SHOULD. I always liked doing this earlier, with men. Always men. Has to be a man. Cause men know what's up, especially the successful ones. They are the antidote to silly, flighty little creatures, happy about painting and stupid little things, like me and Grammie Lily. Mr. Money Mustache. Message I heard, Buying shit is silly! Ok, I'll stop buying stuff. Tim Ferriss, Message I heard, if it takes time and effort on your part to produce, you're doing it wrong. Ok, I'll stop doing one of a kind art and try to get rich somehow. Leo, Enlightenment is an achievement. Somewhere, much earlier than I ever found these people, all of which it's not their fault, I decided that I had to have BIG wants. Because if I was happy with little things, I was little. Maybe I am little. Maybe I have no size at all. Maybe I'm free to dream big or dream small, all just for the pleasure of dreaming.

Thinking lots of crappy thoughts. It's a relief that I'm not a thing that can find happiness in things and experiences, but that the entirety of me is experience. I dunno, is that right? I don't feel like getting technical right now. I really want to sleep and chill out, not journal, but kids and a dog. 5 minutes later after giving my daughter the last of my spinach, peeling myself an orange, my daughter asking for it, giving it to her and peeling another and then being asked if snails have armpits, and then having to google if snails sleep, I'm back to journaling. So yeah, happiness is not a thing you can find. Again like, it's a major relief. it's amazing. beautiful, brilliant, perfect really, but oh fuck it I'll be depressed about it anyway. All these pleasing things, food, having kids, the kids being cute and wonderful and curious just how you wanted and being like, "I just want to fucking take a nap for 20 minutes" and not being happy. What a miserable bitch I am. I keep thinking this stupid thing and I know it's not right, but since I'm tearing up about it, I think I'll go there. My Grandmother was always miserable, never happy with anything, always moving around, and I keep thinking of her, comparing myself to her, partly because I was compared with her a lot, and I was her favorite, and she was miserable enough to have favorites. Again, like knowing that something isn't right, that you can't just be happy anyway, is a recurring theme. Oh fuck it. I'm painting my stairs. It's very exciting. They were primed white and now they have one coat of white paint on them. I'm very happy with this. There's something wrong with me, I'm happy with such little things. OOOHHHHH. I just randomly went with the thought that felt better, even if it was about a totally random separate topic. But it WASN'T! Oh, journaling. So fucking exciting. Boomerangs. Source. Yep, this is fucking awesome. Damn, I'm getting GOOD at this, like really efficient! I mean, I'm good, am I not good? Yep. I'm Good.

What do you want to discover or achieve if not for the permission to relax? You are seeking what you already have. You are your own permission. You have so much freedom and permission to relax that you can color over it with a sense of urgency to do something. if you're going to do something, do what you enjoy, do what inspires you. Don't do something because you think if you do it, you'll finally get to relax. Cause you might as well just relax now. You can't seek understanding and find it while still in seeking mode because understanding is the end of asking or seeking. You ask and then allow the answer to come in, by dropping the question. Knowing and non-knowing are the same. You cannot learn anything that you believe you already know, the action of learning and the state of curiosity, is one of relaxation and heightened awareness. Rather than a need to know, it is the openness TO the wisdom itself, and therefore it is one and the same.

I live in a rural area, and real estate has been doing better here, but ever since the pandemic real estate here is on fire in comparison to what it was. Lots of younger people who moved away to bigger and better things in the city have moved back, other people saw low prices and jumped at the chance to get away. It will be interesting to see how things shake out after this ends. Just keep in mind that the pandemic may have changed prices and they might change again, soon. I'm sure it varies for each area. Don't just assume you don't have neighbors. There is a gated community in the works here and the way they have advertised it is so strange and exclusive sounding that the local people here are already trying very hard to make it fail. If you try to build a community in a rural area and see using the land as a resource only, you can attract some bad neighbor situations. In a rural area, you have more space to yourself, but neighbors are even MORE important to consider. What happened with Osho's community is a really good example of this oversight. In my opinion a community should be a blessing and one with to the entire area surrounding it, not just completely disconnected from it.

ENJOY it. Don't pay attention to the, "but if it doesn't work, I'll feel..." thoughts. This is good. if you just won the lottery, would you be mostly elated, or would you be thinking about the taxes and the jealous people you'll have to deal with? Something amazing is happening, so any thought that feels less than amazing about it feels awful.

Read the The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle?

My 8 year old son has a horrible fear of toilets flushing. I decided it's gotten to the point where either I need to either find a psychologist or work with him about it myself. I was thinking that bringing in humor and talking about it humorously would be the best approach, (or perhaps cost HIM more psychiatric bills when he's an adult, dunno), and then got the idea that someone MUST have a video on youtube of a toilet overflowing. That's his core fear about it, that it will overflow, and he associates the sound with that imagination. But he has no idea what it's like if it happens, and I tried to explain to him, it's a big mess, but not a big deal. So some miscreant went into McDonalds and made a youtube video of purposefully plugging a toilet. And I'm going to use this for therapeutic purposes. I mean this to be ironic, hilarious, honest and profound, but really... what a beautiful world we live in.

The basis for all change is the fact that you don't actually have a solid identity, our identity is a fragile thing, dependent on circumstances. Our true authentic nature is like a living screen, or a blank canvas, it is all potentiality, and that is the basis for any growth or change. Sometimes an intuition that one is not what they think they are is misinterpreted as "I am a fraud" which is very untrue, however it IS true that we are not what we think we are. When we sense a discrepancy or not measuring up, it points to the very fact that what we really are is alive, not a dead, fixed idea, we are change and aliveness itself.

There's a major split between rural America and more urban areas. They are like two different worlds trying to be governed as one, which only works if each side appreciates and listens to either perspective. Some Americans are more afraid of losing guns and live where there is limited law enforcement and there are rabid animals and guns are a much more legitimate means of protection. Beyond this reasoning, is the fear has spun out of control, they are terrified of losing their rights, and authoritarian government and have demonized certain politicians beyond what is rational. Politicians have to be extremely careful what they say about guns because one restriction is quickly seen as "coming for your guns, and all your other rights and your home as well." The other side, sees events like this and gets terrified, and so fear battling against fear is at a complete stalemate until the fear itself is dealt with.

When love gets too heavy, (in other words when I start attaching all kinds of weighty conditions on it) I like to use the word joy. Helps to make a list of things. Ice cream, art, babies and kids, pets, friends, hilarity, swimming in the ocean, sex, sex on the beach, color, creating, nature, blowing bubbles, flowers, etc. When I make love into a heavy thing by adding all kinds of my own weights to it, I start to be like "Really??? Joy, that's just like a distraction isn't it?" But it's NOT, it's Love without the weights.

Anything that feels like relief is a relief. If we start thinking, "I need to mediate every morning or I'll suffer all day or if something comes up and we don't have time for breathing techniques or whatever else and then believe that we'll feel bad, or won't get the enlightenment I want and need, then it feels like pressure, not relief. You use techniques to become more in-tune with your true Self, and how you feel which is the indicator of how in-tune or not in-tune with that you are. But you have to be in tune with how you feel about the techniques themselves in the moment, separating the actual experience of something from the concept of it. Sometimes the desire to feel better can be a true movement towards what is real and seeing through illusion but if thought grabs ahold of it and disregards feeling, it turns the broken self as a new identity. Ultimately, it's all good, it's all part of an exploration. If one can maintain an honest, authentic, attitude of fun and curiosity and humor about it all, they are a lot less likely to settle for contrivances.

Rather than ghosting or making plans to ghost just drop or become aware of your own overthinking and dramatizing of the situation. That's what you really want, peace of mind. Pick something else to focus on right now, or focus on taking care of yourself and clearing your mind.

Not saying people should repress emotions at all, but there's a valid point there though, cause if you let the shadow do shadow work on itself, all it wants to do is to color itself black. I takes some feeling into it to know the difference, to know when to drop a thought and when to express and dig deeper.