mandyjw

Lady from the church just delivered some Easter bags for my kids and inside is a lenticular printed card with the stone in front of Jesus' tomb "moving" or flipping from one image to the next. Her license plate reads 666. I cannot tell you how much I'm enjoying that. Anyway, my son was fascinated with the card and I tried to describe how it worked. Then it hit me, movement IS perspective. It's only ever perspective. Movement in time or place is two thoughts, experienced together as one? perspective (n.) late 14c., perspectif, "the science of optics," from Old French perspective and directly from Medieval Latin perspectiva ars "science of optics," from fem. of perspectivus "of sight, optical" from Latin perspectus "clearly perceived," past participle of perspicere "inspect, look through, look closely at," from per "through" (from PIE root *per- (1) "forward," hence "through") + specere "look at" (from PIE root *spek- "to observe"). The English word is also attested from early 15c. as an adjective, "pertaining to the science of optics." Right. Cause a movie (move ie) is a bunch of frames, but there are no frames in real "life", but we have to do the framing (thinking) ourselves in order to experience time and movement and progression, ultimately us/world is the two frames. progression (n.) late 14c., progressioun, "action of moving from one condition to another," from Old French progression and directly from Latin progressionem (nominative progressio) "a going forward, advancement, growth, increase," noun of action from past-participle stem of progredi "go forward," from pro "forward" (see pro-) + gradi "to step, walk," from gradus "a step" (from PIE root *ghredh- "to walk, go"). The musical sense of "an advance from one note to another" or later one chord to another is by c. 1600. Related: Progressional. Reminds me of the @Faceless here on the forum, or J. Krishnamurti I've been told or this. https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/4061075808484662238/4979570694074447007 So learning to "stay" and realizing you don't ever move are one in the same. I'm still working on teaching myself to sit before I try to teach stay, and it doesn't go so well when I run out of treats or a squirrel runs by. Or the UPS man. That reminds me of something that happened one winter we got several blizzards and I was leaving but had to stop because the UPS driver showed up and I couldn't easily get out of my car cause I was parked momentarily by a snowbank. I struggled to get out to take the package and complained about the snow to the driver and instead of commiserating or even humoring me, like is the well practiced regional societal expectation of relating to one another, he just said " I LOVE it", with such clear, real enthusiasm, I was taken aback. Couldn't forget it either. It was one of those interactions that's far better than anything good that can randomly happen to you, like finding a $20 bill on the street. You just don't always fully "get" the value at the time.

Because the cure we seek is a complete change of perspective about these past issues, we must seek the feeling of healing and integration we are looking for in the present. That means seeking a better feeling with disregard to what the subject is about. Because we keep thinking about past issues unintentionally we practice the same perspective and keep them active in our thoughts as a block or a trauma or trigger of some kind. This is why it's important to drop certain subjects that you cannot find a good feeling perspective about, and instead seek the feeling that you DO want, rather than choosing what you think about based on your thoughts of "importance" of the subject. While to some this may seem like avoidance, it's going directly to the source of the healing you seek, and recognizing that the thoughts we have about these issues are like a dog obsessively licking a sore, not allowing it to heal. Its attention to the issue, is actually perpetuating the issue and preventing healing. Meditation and making a list of things to do every day that make you feel amazing is the kinder equivalent of putting a cone around the metaphorical dog's head so it has to leave the sore spot alone. Eventually, sometimes, when ready to be released the subjects of issue come back to you and are seen in such an incredibly loving, wholistic, healing perspective that there's a huge emotional release. Then you realize that the thinking about it in a way that felt bad WAS the actual avoidance. Abraham Hicks is an amazing teacher who teaches this perspective from a lot of different angles. You can search her videos on youtube, and I particularly find it incredibly helpful to search for particular subjects. Her videos on the topic of obsession are absolutely amazing as most people have a real shameful/sore spot perspective about that issue.

It's a fantastic exercise is not caring what people think. When you're alone, you're thinking of them, that's the actual situation, you don't experience their thoughts about you, just your thoughts about you and them. Whether you're in your room or out with them, become aware that the anxious thoughts are your interpretation of the situation. The awkwardness is your own interpretation of feeling, it's no one's fault, you're creating it. If you embrace the awkwardness the situation becomes funny and relaxed, which just so happens to be the exact opposite of awkwardness. Isn't that funny how that works? So learn into it rather than avoid it. That doesn't mean you have to act awkward purposefully or anything, just be kind to yourself.

Awesome plan.

If you take people in an isolated area who don't know that they don't have much, there is very little angst about it and their ability to find joy and feel abundance and appreciation over little things is well developed. They also don't really know what's possible for them, this can be good or bad when judging the situation in terms of general development of a person or a community. By using awareness you can be aware of anything, and use it to allow joy in anything. No matter where you are there is always wealth of something and lack of something as according to the comparing, thinking mind, and you have the power to focus on either.

Everybody responds to your vibration (better to look at this as that it's to teach you something not as a punishment). Seems that mentally ill people, (or anyone in a state that they don't have societal filters in place at the moment) and animals are extremely fast, clear responders and indicators of our vibration. The two times I've been bitten by a dog and had a confrontation with a moose in the woods, I was in a scared or insecure place to begin with.

When you leave the "now" everything is a thought, so if the thought is hurting now, drop it, if it feels good, enjoy. Becoming conscious/getting good at this requires connecting with feeling and becoming very aware and present, same thing really. We have a lot of patterns and beliefs that tell us there's a reason to hold onto thoughts that don't feel good, disregarding and seeing through these is what we're interested in. If spirituality becomes a new pattern and belief that we use to give ourselves some reason to continue with thoughts that don't feel good, it's likely an old tendency or belief that has just been renovated. You gotta knock that house down. New tile in the bathroom ain't gonna fix a house that's got toxic mold and is falling down around you.

I want to focus! What do we want to focus on? No idea! Give me and F, give me a U... I mean O! Give me a C, give me a U, give me an S! What does that spell? A small Ford car? No! I feel like a bunch of misled, somewhat jumbled creative energy, I feel like this describes what I am quote accurately and if you read Nissargadatta, he pretty much agrees with that. Come to find out, the actual energetics of "where babies come from" is FAR more complicated and delightfully awkward than even sex ed. But did this happen in the past? NO! It is mandyfestation, (oh geez, that sounds awful) right NOW. Ok, what do we want to focus on? I've been making a lot of these recently, they are for wearing essential oil. perfume or pet or people ashes. The purple glass on the top is specialty and just came out, and I've worked 17 years in glass without having a nice shade of purple like this. There are some absolutely brilliant glassmakers who live on the west coast who have filled in all the missing color gaps in the glass pallet. It's just a husband and wife I think. When I started glasswork pink turned to gray unless you were really careful, and they solved that and totally innovated silver laden glass. They are absolutely brilliant, really. It's amazing how much brilliance shines in weird niches across the world, that you have to be really involved with to even understand enough about it to fully appreciate it. I wonder if that's maybe sort of my "issue", I seem to have the unfortunate tendency to think that if I don't get more popularity or feedback from something, that it's trash. But the brilliance of creation is its own recognition, it needs no other. Imagine if nature was like "Ok, you ungrateful little fuckers, you aren't appreciating the flowers enough, we're NOT MAKING THEM ANYMORE."

Strange things I love, Freezer burned ice cream. The smell of mold, like a good moldy basement. Mmm. Running through mud. Jello molds from the 50's.

Very few people actually want a lot of money. Yeah, seems like a stupid statement, but think about it in a deeper way. No one actually wants a lot of money, they want freedom in the particular form that money will bring. There's nothing wrong with wanting money, it's an awesome, fun tool. You don't care about money itself, no one does, it's like taking down the Mona Lisa and hanging a paintbrush on the wall instead. Plus money is relative, what is rich to one person is tiddly winks to another. Problem is when we think that success is more than what it actually is directly experienced as... a sense of enjoyment or fulfillment, freedom of lack. Instead we think it is a status that one can permanently achieve, and in this belief we kill our own inherent, already here freedom that the desire for money was all about and was in its purest form ANYWAY. You're just using other people as an excuse to maintain this belief. But you're already free. It's also good to contemplate/question how freedom and a sense of "worth" is the same thing, essentially.

ruin (n.) late 14c., "act of giving way and falling down," from Old French ruine "a collapse" (14c.), and directly from Latin ruina "a collapse, a rushing down, a tumbling down" Thinking I could "ruin" anything was all along part of the collapse I really sought.

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Oh. My. God. Just like that? That's pretty much, everything. I can't get around it. I'm trying really hard to ruin it, but it totally went Meta on itself. I try to ruin everything. My psyche, my "OCD" was trying to show me this in the most intimate, personal way. I am SUCH a good receiver. I took it to heart. "There's something wrong with me." There's something very, very RIGHT with me.

I love Esther so much. It's like listening to this mature, adult voice of wisdom, that is also the exact same intensely familiar inner child that was always BURSTING to get out, that I always wanted to let free, did many times and mistakenly started judging myself for at some point. It's like the undoing of everything misled adults taught me and that I absorbed from others on my own. This one below follows my questioning last night, (and much longer) about obsession, this one made me bawl. Last night I started questioning whether I think, or whether I receive thoughts. I thought at first that the real answer is that I receive thoughts, I am aware of the thoughts. This puts vibration as primary importance because I've experienced how a low vibration perpetuates thoughts that feel awful and aren't "true" and the thoughts fuel it further. However I can't only receive thoughts, there has to be some intentionality there. I am very sensitive to receiving thoughts from other people, and the antidote to this sort of self imposed suffering that I pass off as not in my control, is to get intentional about my thoughts and care about how I feel. Right now I feel very confused. I can't come up with an intentional thought that gets out of the confusion, so I want to receive thought, but only from a place of feeling good. So ironically I'm journaling to be be intentional with my thought so I can raise myself to that state. What is obsessive thinking? I think a thought I'm sick of thinking, the core desire is for a new thought, that will only come from an increased vibration. So with thought from the same vibration, I try to dismiss the thought, I tell myself I am obsessive and I am a problem, thinking is a problem. Thought tells itself it's the problem, and because I am only ever a thought, this is about me. I spin the cycle of thinking harder, faster, harder, faster. The other thing that happens is these vague places or images mixed with strong feelings. Sometimes these feel absolutely wonderful and occasionally, they feel horrible. There's no real content, no way to really communicate them, and if I could they are fleeting, and they seem to pop up all over the place. They sometimes seem to defy the rule of vibration. I think honestly "vibration" is sort of like electrons bouncing around. It doesn't follow a rule, it follows a trend, you can have anything bounce in from anywhere. I have no idea. Maybe as you raise your vibration old stuff comes lose, and comes up to light. "You're not enjoying this as much as you should be."

That's what YOU think.

I'm still exploring a lot in this area. I occasionally get impulses that I initially judge as disruptive or bad, but they lead me to something amazing. For example, a few weeks ago, I had a random impulse to clean out my purse and when I did I found in an open pocket, ready to fall out at any point, an antique gold ring that I had misplaced and had no idea was in there. I'd like to say you know by how it feels but you often can't because it's information that we are interpreting, so if you have a purely good impulse but misinterpret it, it feels bad. The misinterpretation is that the impulse is wrong. An impulse that feels purely AMAZING and like inspiration is always good. If it feels like a compulsion of some kind, explore it and watch your resistance to changing your routine or being disrupted from it. An intuitive impulse often feels like it came from nowhere, it's much different from being bored and wanting to check social media. It's not a mind pattern. An impulse that is clearly interpreted and leading you to what you want feels like inspiration. Ultimately, you did the right thing because you can't do the wrong thing, but maybe asking this question was exactly what you wanted to come out of it, not the result of the text. Who knows? Can't go back and dissect it.

Ok, I understand OCD pretty well, suffered from it quite severely as a kid and have had some pretty awesome revelations about it since. It comes in many different manifestations of thoughts and I haven't experienced them all though, but the unwanted thought thing is kind of the main root, thing going on with it. The Roby Chart is just a chart, not a book. I'll leave you to your journal. Hope you feel better.

@Striving for more I hear you on the OCD thing. It's really just a fancy term for obsessive thinking. Telling yourself to drop it forcefully only strengthens it. I find that at least with journaling, it's an intentional and focused thought, if I'm gonna have those thoughts anyway, journaling just automatically makes them more conscious and intentional somehow. Try to relax and breathe into the pain for 10 or 15 minutes and see how it responds. Also if you're too worked up you can try music or watching a show, whatever relaxes you. The Roby Body Chart can be interesting, sorry it's an amazon link, hard to find a readable one but this one works. https://www.amazon.com/Roby-Chart-Beliefs-Anatomy-Background/dp/B0065PH8V8

Hope you feel better soon! Sometimes it helps to just write, even if it's random or off topic of the feeling we're feeling, whatever comes to mind. I know the "not being able to describe it" feeling, but it's incredibly helpful to work toward trying to express what we are feeling so we can help ourselves or get help from others. If you allow yourself freedom in the way you express rather than making it just being a description for someone else, you might find that a description or solution comes to you anyway, or you just inexplicably start feeling better. It's the crazy magic of journaling! Sending you light and healing thoughts.

This morning I started worrying about something with my husband's job, and my father-in-law. A lot of strange, unlucky things seem to be happening. I want to jump in and control them and am trying to be aware and not focus on this. I decided to go pick up some dishwashing gloves at the store. The cashier has a very cool vibe and I noticed that his name tag said Phoenix. When I went out to my car, there was my father in law parked next to my car. What. The. Hell? He isn't supposed to be here! Is he here to talk to me about something? In person? I decided to play it cool and sit in my car a minute before I did anything and then I realized it was just someone with the same truck who looked exactly like him. I noticed that for several minutes after my legs felt odd, like all the fear went down into them and I was ready to run, or collapse, one of those. Mirage. from French mirage (1753), from se mirer "to be reflected," from Latin mirare (see mirror (n.)).

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks! I once did a short interview for a feature in a gift store I was selling some of my jewelry in. It was before YouTube was a well known thing I think. The guy who filmed it was surprised said I was a natural and they had a lot of other artists they interviewed who could not speak in front of the camera and they had a time with it. For whatever reason, I've always loved cameras because I know the camera isn't judging me and if I make a mistake I can try again. People on the other hand are different. That's a perspective I'm trying to let go of. The camera is like training wheels to me, so it's weird to me that some people are more afraid of cameras than they are other people. Makes no sense, but none of our fears and insecurities make sense anyway, I guess. I think that the teachings we follow have a lot of their own lingo so communicating with them is inevitably like that. It's good to be aware of it, and I think it's always good to find alternate ways of communicating the same thing. But sometimes you have to use the terminology and it introduces someone else into a new way of thinking too.

I already have no preferences. I think that this disturbs me, which means, I DO have a preference, I prefer to have preferences. Hmm.. seems pretty solid. Or not solid at all. I mean, I can go with this, I see the brilliance in it. Pick up the preference when you want and drop it when it's turned into a restriction. I did an AMAZING job at focusing for several days, so what if I slipped up and had a "come down" yesterday? My preferences are more defined than ever, and I can always light the fuse on them, throw them up into the sky and watch them explode while I say "oooo, ahhh..." if I like. I care about how I feel but not to the point that I am worth sacrificing how I feel for caring about how I feel. That might have been what happened yesterday. Who cares? Turns out you can't think feeling. My awesome ability to focus over the past few days, and suddenly accomplishing a bunch of projects I couldn't manage to do before, came from choosing the easy, natural things to focus on. These are the things I really wanted and brought resistance to before my world expanded a lot and I found some other things I really wanted more and deemed much more IMPORTANT. I have to drop the subject(s) that I care about the most because I'm like a toddler left to himself in a room with an open can of paint and a dog in this area, I can't be trusted, disaster will ensue. I mean sure, it can all be cleaned up, eventually, maybe, but not easily, that's for sure. I just need to get more adept in the art of pyrotechnics before I can focus there I guess.

Husband came home to find me reading the etymology of he word "possess". Hmm.. pose(s). "Are you possessed?" "No, I possess. I'm a demon. Can I take a shower?" (Will you watch the kids?) "I don't know, where are you going to put it?" Oh... right! It's the experience of the "thing" I want and only can ever "have" anyway.

Alright, we've diggen a hole in the opposite direction. I don't think diggen is a word. Dug. We've dug a hole in the opposite direction. Like rock bottom of the emotional scale. It's so bad, I can't even express how bad it is, which is why I express. Ok, what do we do? We have one job, drop the heavy thoughts. I am a disappointment. An enormous disappointment. I've disappointed someone and I've disappointed myself. All because I really didn't want to disappoint them, I wanted to please them. I don't think it's fair to take this perspective. Ok choking up, have to wait until my kid's BHP worker leaves. Happy thoughts, put your happy face on. I like to pretend that I'm a competent adult sometimes. I dunno, I watched a floral arranging video, now I feel dead inside, and also in a very decorative but also lazy mood. My own ADD is so disloyal to my depression. Bleh. I'm obsessed. obsession (n.) 1510s, "action of besieging" (a sense now obsolete), from French obsession and directly from Latin obsessionem (nominative obsessio) "siege, blockade, a blocking up," noun of action from past-participle stem of obsidere "to besiege" (see obsess). Later (c. 1600), "hostile action of an evil spirit" (like possession but without the spirit actually inhabiting the body). Transferred sense of "action of anything which engrosses the mind" is from 1670s. Psychological sense "idea or image that intrudes on the mind of a person against his will" is from 1901. Possession, obsession? Come on barf, it up, get it out. Let it out Princess, don't hold it in! You "got" a taste of something reeeeally awesome and amazing. And now, anything less feels awful. But there is nothing less, this IS that awesome and amazing thing. But yeah, you're fucked, you're mind fucked. It was really nice, but there's no putting that thing back together again. There's no looking back, turning back whatsoever. So where do you want to go? I want to act out of love and inspiration. I want to help people, I want to laugh, and live, and not cling but flow with life and all it has to offer because it is ever changing. I don't want to be like a stuck record player, getting stuck on thoughts, or perspectives that feel bad. I want to learn to let go, I want to get really, really good at letting go. I want to realize that I wasn't actually able to hold on to anything in the first place. I'm always thinking about what people think, obsession. Where do you think you'll get focusing on obsession? obsessing about obsession? YES that's all I've ever done, I've obsessed about my obsession. What happens if I just allow myself the obsession? I'm afraid if I allow myself the obsession I'll lose it. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK? Not the obsession, the thing. Oh, so you think you OWN the thing. Yes, I'm not the one who is possessed, I posses. So you're a demon? I think so. Oh God. God doesn't visit here. This is REALLY going downhill you know. Yeah, but I can't help but laugh. demon (n.) c. 1200, "an evil spirit, malignant supernatural being, an incubus, a devil," from Latin daemon "spirit," from Greek daimōn "deity, divine power; lesser god; guiding spirit, tutelary deity" (sometimes including souls of the dead); "one's genius, lot, or fortune;" from PIE *dai-mon- "divider, provider" (of fortunes or destinies), from root *da- "to divide." https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=demon Alright, well that makes sense.

THINK Mandy, THINK. Bleh. Potatoes. Balloons. I feel tired and unmotivated, and I want to stop resisting that. I equate productivity with happiness, and I've been SO productive lately. Today, not so much. Oh well. I feel fat too. Maybe I should double down on that and bake cookies. Eh, too much work. Why make chocolate chip cookies, when I can just eat the chocolate chips without the effort? Bleh hormones. Damn full moon. I feel confused. I miss playing with people, hilarious, fun, sharp conversations. Come play with me! Huh, I wonder what's wrong. Oh well. Once I got rid of the religious dogma/fear, I realized I COULD play with myself. Hey, hey, I've been thinking of a new sensation I'm picking up good vibrations I split myself into two in the first place, why not do it for fun? Because you KNOW you're pretending. Isn't that the point of enlightenment, to KNOW you're pretending? Or just to Know? Who wants to know? I came here to have fun. It's not about you. It is about me, it's so ABOUT me, it's all me. You're a terrible conversationalist. Ha! Ha. Well that was unsatisfying. Why would I waste my time arguing with myself? Because you're looking for fun in all the wrong places? Are you saying I'm not fun? Wait a second, I just remembered that I'm married and I can distract my husband with random obnoxious messages at work. He said that it was very windy today so I told him that it's because I decided that today blows. No reply. Fuck. Alright, I have convinced myself to do dishes. That's a lie. Go take an italicized flying fuck. Ah... just like old times. Well, not quite. Taking mental masturbation to great new heights.