mandyjw

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Oh. My. God. Just like that? That's pretty much, everything. I can't get around it. I'm trying really hard to ruin it, but it totally went Meta on itself. I try to ruin everything. My psyche, my "OCD" was trying to show me this in the most intimate, personal way. I am SUCH a good receiver. I took it to heart. "There's something wrong with me." There's something very, very RIGHT with me.

I love Esther so much. It's like listening to this mature, adult voice of wisdom, that is also the exact same intensely familiar inner child that was always BURSTING to get out, that I always wanted to let free, did many times and mistakenly started judging myself for at some point. It's like the undoing of everything misled adults taught me and that I absorbed from others on my own. This one below follows my questioning last night, (and much longer) about obsession, this one made me bawl. Last night I started questioning whether I think, or whether I receive thoughts. I thought at first that the real answer is that I receive thoughts, I am aware of the thoughts. This puts vibration as primary importance because I've experienced how a low vibration perpetuates thoughts that feel awful and aren't "true" and the thoughts fuel it further. However I can't only receive thoughts, there has to be some intentionality there. I am very sensitive to receiving thoughts from other people, and the antidote to this sort of self imposed suffering that I pass off as not in my control, is to get intentional about my thoughts and care about how I feel. Right now I feel very confused. I can't come up with an intentional thought that gets out of the confusion, so I want to receive thought, but only from a place of feeling good. So ironically I'm journaling to be be intentional with my thought so I can raise myself to that state. What is obsessive thinking? I think a thought I'm sick of thinking, the core desire is for a new thought, that will only come from an increased vibration. So with thought from the same vibration, I try to dismiss the thought, I tell myself I am obsessive and I am a problem, thinking is a problem. Thought tells itself it's the problem, and because I am only ever a thought, this is about me. I spin the cycle of thinking harder, faster, harder, faster. The other thing that happens is these vague places or images mixed with strong feelings. Sometimes these feel absolutely wonderful and occasionally, they feel horrible. There's no real content, no way to really communicate them, and if I could they are fleeting, and they seem to pop up all over the place. They sometimes seem to defy the rule of vibration. I think honestly "vibration" is sort of like electrons bouncing around. It doesn't follow a rule, it follows a trend, you can have anything bounce in from anywhere. I have no idea. Maybe as you raise your vibration old stuff comes lose, and comes up to light. "You're not enjoying this as much as you should be."

That's what YOU think.

I'm still exploring a lot in this area. I occasionally get impulses that I initially judge as disruptive or bad, but they lead me to something amazing. For example, a few weeks ago, I had a random impulse to clean out my purse and when I did I found in an open pocket, ready to fall out at any point, an antique gold ring that I had misplaced and had no idea was in there. I'd like to say you know by how it feels but you often can't because it's information that we are interpreting, so if you have a purely good impulse but misinterpret it, it feels bad. The misinterpretation is that the impulse is wrong. An impulse that feels purely AMAZING and like inspiration is always good. If it feels like a compulsion of some kind, explore it and watch your resistance to changing your routine or being disrupted from it. An intuitive impulse often feels like it came from nowhere, it's much different from being bored and wanting to check social media. It's not a mind pattern. An impulse that is clearly interpreted and leading you to what you want feels like inspiration. Ultimately, you did the right thing because you can't do the wrong thing, but maybe asking this question was exactly what you wanted to come out of it, not the result of the text. Who knows? Can't go back and dissect it.

Ok, I understand OCD pretty well, suffered from it quite severely as a kid and have had some pretty awesome revelations about it since. It comes in many different manifestations of thoughts and I haven't experienced them all though, but the unwanted thought thing is kind of the main root, thing going on with it. The Roby Chart is just a chart, not a book. I'll leave you to your journal. Hope you feel better.

@Striving for more I hear you on the OCD thing. It's really just a fancy term for obsessive thinking. Telling yourself to drop it forcefully only strengthens it. I find that at least with journaling, it's an intentional and focused thought, if I'm gonna have those thoughts anyway, journaling just automatically makes them more conscious and intentional somehow. Try to relax and breathe into the pain for 10 or 15 minutes and see how it responds. Also if you're too worked up you can try music or watching a show, whatever relaxes you. The Roby Body Chart can be interesting, sorry it's an amazon link, hard to find a readable one but this one works. https://www.amazon.com/Roby-Chart-Beliefs-Anatomy-Background/dp/B0065PH8V8

Hope you feel better soon! Sometimes it helps to just write, even if it's random or off topic of the feeling we're feeling, whatever comes to mind. I know the "not being able to describe it" feeling, but it's incredibly helpful to work toward trying to express what we are feeling so we can help ourselves or get help from others. If you allow yourself freedom in the way you express rather than making it just being a description for someone else, you might find that a description or solution comes to you anyway, or you just inexplicably start feeling better. It's the crazy magic of journaling! Sending you light and healing thoughts.

This morning I started worrying about something with my husband's job, and my father-in-law. A lot of strange, unlucky things seem to be happening. I want to jump in and control them and am trying to be aware and not focus on this. I decided to go pick up some dishwashing gloves at the store. The cashier has a very cool vibe and I noticed that his name tag said Phoenix. When I went out to my car, there was my father in law parked next to my car. What. The. Hell? He isn't supposed to be here! Is he here to talk to me about something? In person? I decided to play it cool and sit in my car a minute before I did anything and then I realized it was just someone with the same truck who looked exactly like him. I noticed that for several minutes after my legs felt odd, like all the fear went down into them and I was ready to run, or collapse, one of those. Mirage. from French mirage (1753), from se mirer "to be reflected," from Latin mirare (see mirror (n.)).

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks! I once did a short interview for a feature in a gift store I was selling some of my jewelry in. It was before YouTube was a well known thing I think. The guy who filmed it was surprised said I was a natural and they had a lot of other artists they interviewed who could not speak in front of the camera and they had a time with it. For whatever reason, I've always loved cameras because I know the camera isn't judging me and if I make a mistake I can try again. People on the other hand are different. That's a perspective I'm trying to let go of. The camera is like training wheels to me, so it's weird to me that some people are more afraid of cameras than they are other people. Makes no sense, but none of our fears and insecurities make sense anyway, I guess. I think that the teachings we follow have a lot of their own lingo so communicating with them is inevitably like that. It's good to be aware of it, and I think it's always good to find alternate ways of communicating the same thing. But sometimes you have to use the terminology and it introduces someone else into a new way of thinking too.

I already have no preferences. I think that this disturbs me, which means, I DO have a preference, I prefer to have preferences. Hmm.. seems pretty solid. Or not solid at all. I mean, I can go with this, I see the brilliance in it. Pick up the preference when you want and drop it when it's turned into a restriction. I did an AMAZING job at focusing for several days, so what if I slipped up and had a "come down" yesterday? My preferences are more defined than ever, and I can always light the fuse on them, throw them up into the sky and watch them explode while I say "oooo, ahhh..." if I like. I care about how I feel but not to the point that I am worth sacrificing how I feel for caring about how I feel. That might have been what happened yesterday. Who cares? Turns out you can't think feeling. My awesome ability to focus over the past few days, and suddenly accomplishing a bunch of projects I couldn't manage to do before, came from choosing the easy, natural things to focus on. These are the things I really wanted and brought resistance to before my world expanded a lot and I found some other things I really wanted more and deemed much more IMPORTANT. I have to drop the subject(s) that I care about the most because I'm like a toddler left to himself in a room with an open can of paint and a dog in this area, I can't be trusted, disaster will ensue. I mean sure, it can all be cleaned up, eventually, maybe, but not easily, that's for sure. I just need to get more adept in the art of pyrotechnics before I can focus there I guess.

Husband came home to find me reading the etymology of he word "possess". Hmm.. pose(s). "Are you possessed?" "No, I possess. I'm a demon. Can I take a shower?" (Will you watch the kids?) "I don't know, where are you going to put it?" Oh... right! It's the experience of the "thing" I want and only can ever "have" anyway.

Alright, we've diggen a hole in the opposite direction. I don't think diggen is a word. Dug. We've dug a hole in the opposite direction. Like rock bottom of the emotional scale. It's so bad, I can't even express how bad it is, which is why I express. Ok, what do we do? We have one job, drop the heavy thoughts. I am a disappointment. An enormous disappointment. I've disappointed someone and I've disappointed myself. All because I really didn't want to disappoint them, I wanted to please them. I don't think it's fair to take this perspective. Ok choking up, have to wait until my kid's BHP worker leaves. Happy thoughts, put your happy face on. I like to pretend that I'm a competent adult sometimes. I dunno, I watched a floral arranging video, now I feel dead inside, and also in a very decorative but also lazy mood. My own ADD is so disloyal to my depression. Bleh. I'm obsessed. obsession (n.) 1510s, "action of besieging" (a sense now obsolete), from French obsession and directly from Latin obsessionem (nominative obsessio) "siege, blockade, a blocking up," noun of action from past-participle stem of obsidere "to besiege" (see obsess). Later (c. 1600), "hostile action of an evil spirit" (like possession but without the spirit actually inhabiting the body). Transferred sense of "action of anything which engrosses the mind" is from 1670s. Psychological sense "idea or image that intrudes on the mind of a person against his will" is from 1901. Possession, obsession? Come on barf, it up, get it out. Let it out Princess, don't hold it in! You "got" a taste of something reeeeally awesome and amazing. And now, anything less feels awful. But there is nothing less, this IS that awesome and amazing thing. But yeah, you're fucked, you're mind fucked. It was really nice, but there's no putting that thing back together again. There's no looking back, turning back whatsoever. So where do you want to go? I want to act out of love and inspiration. I want to help people, I want to laugh, and live, and not cling but flow with life and all it has to offer because it is ever changing. I don't want to be like a stuck record player, getting stuck on thoughts, or perspectives that feel bad. I want to learn to let go, I want to get really, really good at letting go. I want to realize that I wasn't actually able to hold on to anything in the first place. I'm always thinking about what people think, obsession. Where do you think you'll get focusing on obsession? obsessing about obsession? YES that's all I've ever done, I've obsessed about my obsession. What happens if I just allow myself the obsession? I'm afraid if I allow myself the obsession I'll lose it. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK? Not the obsession, the thing. Oh, so you think you OWN the thing. Yes, I'm not the one who is possessed, I posses. So you're a demon? I think so. Oh God. God doesn't visit here. This is REALLY going downhill you know. Yeah, but I can't help but laugh. demon (n.) c. 1200, "an evil spirit, malignant supernatural being, an incubus, a devil," from Latin daemon "spirit," from Greek daimōn "deity, divine power; lesser god; guiding spirit, tutelary deity" (sometimes including souls of the dead); "one's genius, lot, or fortune;" from PIE *dai-mon- "divider, provider" (of fortunes or destinies), from root *da- "to divide." https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=demon Alright, well that makes sense.

THINK Mandy, THINK. Bleh. Potatoes. Balloons. I feel tired and unmotivated, and I want to stop resisting that. I equate productivity with happiness, and I've been SO productive lately. Today, not so much. Oh well. I feel fat too. Maybe I should double down on that and bake cookies. Eh, too much work. Why make chocolate chip cookies, when I can just eat the chocolate chips without the effort? Bleh hormones. Damn full moon. I feel confused. I miss playing with people, hilarious, fun, sharp conversations. Come play with me! Huh, I wonder what's wrong. Oh well. Once I got rid of the religious dogma/fear, I realized I COULD play with myself. Hey, hey, I've been thinking of a new sensation I'm picking up good vibrations I split myself into two in the first place, why not do it for fun? Because you KNOW you're pretending. Isn't that the point of enlightenment, to KNOW you're pretending? Or just to Know? Who wants to know? I came here to have fun. It's not about you. It is about me, it's so ABOUT me, it's all me. You're a terrible conversationalist. Ha! Ha. Well that was unsatisfying. Why would I waste my time arguing with myself? Because you're looking for fun in all the wrong places? Are you saying I'm not fun? Wait a second, I just remembered that I'm married and I can distract my husband with random obnoxious messages at work. He said that it was very windy today so I told him that it's because I decided that today blows. No reply. Fuck. Alright, I have convinced myself to do dishes. That's a lie. Go take an italicized flying fuck. Ah... just like old times. Well, not quite. Taking mental masturbation to great new heights.

Excellent observation. It can stem from a feeling of insecurity or insignificance, which can make you susceptible to the options of other people who are acting out of the same feeling. These opinions are never really THIER opinions exactly, but our own judgements and interpretations about what other people think. You don't actually experience what other people think of you, you experience your own thoughts guessing what other people might be thinking. You can't really deal with it exactly, but you can determine what it is you DO really want. You want to live and create out of the joy and inspiration that is uniquely yours, and yet also so intimately shared by all others that they recognize it at once. This leaves you free to go directly to happiness, joy and enthusiasm, rather than thinking about what actions you can do that might get you that or other lesser forms we think we need, like acceptance and respect from others as an end result. Happiness is not ever found as an end result, it is only ever experienced now. It is actually the lack of resistance to itself that actually allows us to create fully. Awareness of thoughts that feel bad, meditation, and taking time to write down and discover the things that bring you joy are incredibly helpful.

God is not a ruler over all. He does not need a ruler. If he does use a ruler, it's to help create something really awesome, not for measuring things, because God knows that creation is always in a state of creating, and is never complete. And it just so happens that THAT is the most awesome non-state of things that anything could ever "reach".

It's a beneficial cycle, as you pay attention to how you feel when you eat things, you start to feel better and become more aware of how foods affect you, you start to make better choices effortlessly and those choices make you feel better, think with more clarity and make you even more aware of how you feel. We all are different so outside of general advice about what foods are healthy and what aren't, veggies=good, preservative and too much sugar=not good, it takes a lot of listening to your own body, which, as I said before the awareness thing is really what it's all about anyway. It's easy to get caught up in diet dogma and fear mongering, and that's where intaking too much information about healthy eating can sometimes start to backfire. It's not about judgement, it's about curiosity and greater awareness and enjoyment about food and life in general.

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." -Heraclitus

De-lusion, I-llusion Ill-usion illusion- from Latin illusionem (nominative illusio) "a mocking, jesting, jeering; irony," from past-participle stem of illudere "mock at," literally "to play with," from assimilated form of in- "at, upon" (from PIE root *en "in") + ludere "to play" (see ludicrous). https://www.etymonline.com/word/illusion "All the world's a stage" There are no players, just play.

Believed fear and doubted desire is suffering, they are opposites but come to the same end. Disbelieved fear (roller coaster kind of thrill) and believed desire is love and appreciation, again they are opposites but not actually.

There's a huge difference in how they feel, there's a "knowing" with synchronicity that sort of merges feeling and knowing. Confirmation bias explains the tendency of the mind, but I guess the real question is, what beliefs do you want to support, and what IS objective? I'd say confirmation bias is more like holding a resistance right where it was before, so it might feel sort of comfortable in a way, in that it's a practicing a well worn pattern even if it's one that doesn't feel so great. But it's not like an epiphany, amazement, wonder, a clue or a knowing wink from someone you really love, which is what synchronicity feels like. Although to be honest after experiencing it a lot sometimes I have just rolled my eyes and just laughed about it before. In my experience synchronicity sort of blows up confirmation bias, it sort of shocks you awake from your old humdrum, tiring, exhausting belief structure, and shocks you awake with new fresh eyes of childlike wonder.

Ooooo... good question. What is trust? Is trust a thought? Is trust a belief? Or is trust a knowing that's so deep it's what you KNOW thoughts about trusting with?

Last night I had a weird dream. My parents own property that is accessed partly by two different woods roads. I dreamed that someone decided to sell lobster out of an outlet on one of the roads which was very strange. I was distrusting of him, like anyone that used to ever go in there. When I walked or ran there, I would listen for a vehicle, and if I heard one I would usually hide in the woods. Whether that's because that's normal behavior when you live in the middle of nowhere, or because my parents constantly told me to be careful and fueled my fears, I don't know. There was a person who had showed up to deliver something and the person had had quills like a porcupine, which was absolutely bizarre. Then later me and my mother were cleaning out really old stuff that was my Grandmothers? and there was this sewing box full of antique needles that were incredibly well made, like a lot of old tools. So of course, I could interpret this a lot of ways, but going along with what's on my mind, and the synchronicity of sewing needles and porcupine quills, the message might be, use what is past for creation, not protection. And that's exactly what I was sort of trying to see through with my Grandmother. She was quite feminine, loved beautiful things, loved crafts, loved making things, and yet, much of the time was miserable, and there are multiple reasons why I get compared with her. So... this reminds me of something, maybe I shouldn't go here. If you're female, being an artist is the occupation that puts you at the highest risk for suicide. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1096882/working-female-suicide-rate-by-detailed-occupation-group-us/ There's some correlation with creativity and depression, and I think, I know it's spiritual awakening related. I think there's a major misunderstanding of society here. A creative woman is born with incredible gifts, gifts that the world needs most right now, but because they are exactly what the world needs most right now, they WILL be devalued and laughed at, and part of her gifts are a sort of vulnerability and fragility, that isn't what it seems. She's like the mouse in the Gruffalo book. (I really wish @remember hadn't been banned, who gave me this insight into the meaning of that book, but there's another example of devaluing the feminine that's stuck in my craw). She herself CREATES a more powerful monster than the predictors, and she TOO must out-wile the monster she herself created to just happily enjoy eating a nut at the end of the book. Ok wow. This went deeper and more to the heart of things than I was thinking it would. Thinking it would? Really? If she herself starts to believe this perspective too, that she is not worth much, that she is weak, that she is prey, she may begin to feel that she is worthless too. And she IS prey, prey to (pray to!) a bigger monster than the ones initially placed in the forest, but to the monster of her own creation. What the world needs most, is for you to know and feel your own worth, no matter who you are, no matter what gifts you have. It doesn't matter what society is like, it doesn't matter what the world is like, all that matters is my own alignment with me. My Grandmother gave me the tools for creation, and she gave me the clarity that comes from contrast on how to use them in a way that is aligned with Self.

Those would be examples of existential misunderstandings more that mystical experiences because of the presence of fear and despair. It's like asking a deep question with power, but the answer has yet to hit you because fear and despair is from the perspective of the limited asker of the question, not the answer. You are both the question and the answer, you are what has seemingly split itself into question and answer. The wholeness of this is the answer. You must feel, attune to the wholeness and the question you asked can back to you as the answer. Genes and past experience are diversity, not limitations when seen from the ultimate, Wholeness of what is, non-perspective. Seen from that perspective they are like an artist's color palate. Red is limited in that it is not green, but all separate colors are only visible WITHIN the pure light that already contains the potentiality of all colors.