mandyjw

Universe, LOA, whatever, I want Bob Hartman's address so I can write him and thank him. Internet search is not turning it up. I can find only that he lives in Lyons, NY. Heartman lives in Lyons. Universe, you so funny.

Ah, ok. (Petra is like Elmo to me, them there early beloved original teachers.) My parents stopped going to church when I was really young and I ended up with some Christian rock cassette tapes of rock music and a purple Walkman to teach me about God, and was in pretty damn good hands. Ok, so what they're really saying is people think of themselves are great Christians, but they isn't lovin'. That's what they mean by seen and not heard. I can get down with that. I'd actually flipped that on it's heard (ugh, head) and thought silence was the only way to get others to think of me as good, when I is Good-ing. Oh, somehow typing heard instead of head just gave me the insight, if someone SAYS that you should be silent, they are talking, so should you believe them? Fucking hilarious! I is free. Oh so free. I can teach/learn as Elmo in all my immature uninhibited fuckery, or well intended mature Kermit. I am both.

Greed is a form of suffering and is usually thought of as an insatiable desire for money and material resources, but also could extend out to accolades, fame, sex, etc. The root of greed is insecurity, the sense that "I am not enough" and rather than investigating the "I", the "enough" or the feeling, we are driven to obtain.. whatever. Sometimes this is an idea of oneself as a spiritual person or minimalist, or whatever. Sometimes we see the obsession with obtaining and we think we can obtain security by renouncing obtaining. Always whatever we seek to obtain through being driven by this feeling is a thought, it's a thought, chasing more thoughts. But on the surface greed looks like a simple desire for resources, and money is what people think is the most fluid resource and therefore the most powerful or useful resource. Even if it's an idea. Once you realize money is a thought, you start to see the power in thoughts and also the impotence.

There's truth, and a desire in this thought. What I think I am is not enough and will never be enough.

Oh. My. God. greedy (adj.) Old English grædig (West Saxon), gredig (Anglian) "voracious, hungry," https://www.etymonline.com/word/greedy?ref=etymonline_crossreference I always hated the name Amanda as I got older, so I decided to go by Mandy at some point cause it was what people called me when I was really little. Amanda is a Latin female gerundive name meaning "deserving to be loved," "worthy of love," or "loved very much by everyone." Its diminutive form includes Mandy, Manda and Amy. Why am I rewriting my journal, rewriting those insights that came to me? “Whatever you forget, is not the truth, always remember that.” ― Nisargadatta Maharaj, The Ultimate Medicine: Dialogues with a Realized Master “Truth is not a reward for good behaviour, nor a prize for passing some tests. It cannot be brought about. It is the primary, the unborn, the ancient source of all that is. You are eligible because you are. You need not merit truth. It is your own....Stand still, be quiet.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That: Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj Let's go back to the first teachings we encountered.

Alright so, (are we meditating this morning Amanda, or just spamming your journal?) I still judge myself for expressing things, especially if I express those things when I'm not in a great mood. Actually, I do judge those things when I am in an AMAZING MOOD, perhaps the most, so maybe the lower my mood is, the less I speak. But sometimes I express things that are misunderstood, when I'm not seeing clearly. But there's no opportunity to see clearly if I don't make a fool of myself. I so wanted those proverbs about being silent to feel good, but they never did. They felt like a solution to problem like "I'm bad at math, so I just won't try." I kept telling myself all my life that wise people shut up. The best way to lose your reputation is to open your mouth, so just stay seen and unheard. If a tree falls in the woods and not one hears it, does it make a sound? If some fucking idiot never opens their mouth is the fucking idiot still a fucking idiot? I mean, you're still gonna come across a fallen tree if it falls over your path, even if you didn't hear it. I never liked being around people because I felt like I had to keep everything in. If I felt sick, I couldn't show it. That would upset people. If I was upset, I couldn't show it, that would upset people. If I said the f word in polite company, I'd feel sick for sure. "You'll not make a fool of me Rose." It's all of course, again, so much effort put into caring what other people think. What's wanting money for? Creating, feeling good, and greed because of caring what people think. I don't think you have one without the other. Greed and caring what other people think goes hand in hand. So what were we supposed to do when people told us not to be greedy because people wouldn't like us for that? We found ways to be greedy about things other than money. Easy. Cause greed is just a thought, "I'm not enough."

Alright so, if there are no "low vibrations" as there is no thing that can be vibrating, then you can let go of the resistance to being in a low vibration. What happens when I get in a low vibration? Understanding and insight from the experience of observing what it's like. The feeling bad is always feeling, always observation. So who/what has a low vibration? There has never been a more useful conceptual framework to embrace and throw away at the same time. It's like consuming food, communion. "Jesus said to them, "Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you."

So ultimately your mood or vibration is total bullshit, but since it's more real than the thoughts you're used to thinking, so it's much better to care and focus on it and give more attention to how you feel than the reality of the thoughts. If our judgement of how we're feeling wasn't total bullshit we couldn't change it so profoundly. If it's changeable, it's not real. Last night I want to bed with a slightly "meh" mood and woke up thinking, thinking, thinking, not satisfying thinking. It struck me that this is what greed really is. I want to know what people think of me. Ultimately I want to know what I think of me. I want to know when the package I ordered will come. I want to know where I stand, how I'm doing. I am Knowing itself, Awareness saying in this moment, this Knowing is not enough, I want this specific knowing that I do not have. In these "moods" I frustrate myself and freak myself out because I can't find a perspective to land on, I know they are all untrue and yet I search through them endlessly. I'm looking for an object to rest on, none will do, none will fit. How exhausting! I'm noticing more and more how every flawed thought has a truth at its root, under a misinterpretation, and so dropping it feels horrible, it feels like a cutting yourself off. We are taught to drop thoughts that don't feel good, and if your vibration is such that you cannot see it with clarity, this is the right route to take, BUT this dropping, is not dropping, it's like shoving the mess on the floor under the bed so it's out of the way but not taken care of. To take care of this thought, you must see the pure light in it. "I'm unworthy." I don't need to do anything to prove my worth, I have no inherent, measurable worth of my own that can be lost. "I'm silly." I am uncaused, purposeless, spontaneous, here for joy and hilarity. “Learn to live without self-concern. For this you must know your own true being as indomitable, fearless, ever victorious. Once you know with absolute certainty that nothing can trouble you, you come to disregard your desires and fears, concepts and ideas and live by truth alone.” ― Nisargadatta Maharaj “In dream you love some and not others. On waking up you find you are love itself, embracing all. Personal love, however intense and genuine, invariably binds; love in freedom is love of all.” ― Nisargadatta Maharaj

@Nahm Ah ok, I gotcha. Yeah, resonance and inspiration are all of their own making and not dependent or inherent in presenter or audience. I really like this quote from Nisargadatta when it comes to trying to "get" and "keep" insights and teachings, "Whatever you forget, is not the truth, always remember that."

I love them but also will go for long periods without touching them. They work based on law of attraction, you use your intuition to select a card and use your intuition whether to use them or not. If you rely on them too heavily they will be less satisfying to use and you can block other unexpected ways of guidance from coming. The card is often an indication of your vibration. They can be used to think about things differently and from different angles. It takes a really open mind to stomach them because there are some pretty "negative" cards, but those cards like the others can be a really helpful indicator of your vibration about a subject or at the moment. If you are aware of this, you are more likely to be able to give attention to it and clean it up before it starts showing up in other ways in your life. In some ways we want the universe to surprise us and guide us, in others you'd rather know where you're at before it hits you upside the head. It's a fun way to take a pause and contemplate.

Teaching is an art and has the potential to be as spontaneous, free and just as fun as any other art form.

My sister entered a beauty contest when she was 19 or something like that. It was so strange and awkward, our parents never cared about looks, we were never taught to dress up or look nice, or sing or dance, or any of that. She was exploring something or going through something. We all went out of support for her. She was the only one who didn't sing or dance for talent, she bucked the trend and did comedy that she wrote instead. Although I didn't appreciate the whole scenario and setting, I thought the comedy was absolutely brilliant and I had so much admiration for her for that.

Well that's a crappy, limiting perspective that doesn't resonate or feel good.

@Zeroguy You is not, and you is know this, zero is infinity. Well, that leads perfectly into my next subject, people aren't what I think they are. I mean oh God, what a relief but still, feels a little... creepy to be left with this... confusion? I'd say "I'm on my own", but there's not even that. Thank God. Not that either. Oh give me a break. You'd think after my 666 post here, I would have woken up. BAHAHAHA. You'd think.

The other night I dreamed I got into a minor car accident, but it was SO annoying. Guy ahead of me stopped, I was super annoyed and had to stop and basically waited and watched in the rear view mirror while someone not paying attention rear-ended me. I feel shook up, like bottomless, falling sensation in stomach, tears, etc. It's not that anything big happened, wait, am I still trying to explain my feelings? Fuck that. Awakening started with opening to the idea of channeling, judging and being creeped out by Abraham Hicks, but resonating SO profoundly then shortly weeks later experiencing channeling. I recognized that certain people's vibrations would bring this out, and it has always been happening that way. Since that, I have experienced it off and on, and there really is no border between a writer's "voice", inspired words, or anything else, but it can be intoxicating. You know when you know it. This morning on the forum a number of my responses were/felt channeled. They felt amazing. Visited my sister and that was weird, weird observations there and came back and the responses to these responses were somewhat sickening. I don't really care much who the OP is, usually the people you help are the ones who attract the reading of the thread, not necessarily outright ask the question. But it doesn't matter, I LOVE to get a response that something resonated and felt as good to read as it felt to write. But I want to be more stable in just how it felt to write being enough. I have realized lately that I am a teacher, I can fuck around and reject this all I want, but this is happening. I'm good at this, I've always been good at this, there's nothing more natural. I LOVE making the videos, the entire process. I love people, I love talking to people who really want to learn, I love it so much I don't even care much if they don't. I'm scared. I guess I'm still scared. I have no fucking credentials. I'm a petite, shy, high school educated housewife who makes pretty insignificant little things. I know this is bullshit. I know what I am. I've always known what I am. Lyin! Lion. Suddenly my business name makes even more sense. It's big, powerful and it's small and lowly and significant at the same time. The dandelion. In a moment of spontaneous enjoyment and whimsy the perfect form disappears and spreads its potential all across, wherever they may fall.

The magic of sex is that when we're really making love we are so focused on the other person and so fully feeling ourselves that all self referential or insecure thoughts dissolve. Funny that just before this possible "occurrence", all kinds of thoughts of not being enough come up. Of course they do. Those thoughts are exactly what they say they are, they are not enough. Has nothing to do with any body parts or anyone, has a lot to do with the thoughts themselves. You want to focus on something much more fulfilling. Focus on what you want feel.

When considering your peers, consult Maslow's peer amid. In the middle is relationships (sense of love and belonging) and esteem (respect for self and others). Maybe focus and journal about that area of your life, focusing on what you want.

I'd go with your intuition on it. If you're genuinely curious, don't mind spending the money and don't care about the result, you'll already have the mindset in order to be open to it being effective anyway. However exploring on your own can be really rewarding too. I once listened to a podcast with someone who was really into transcendental meditation and basically I gleaned from it "Oh, meditation is supposed to feel amazing!". It was a big insight. Maybe they said something about the crown chakra too. You're already a member of the Illuminati you know, Illuminati, the Eye of Providence, the all seeing eye in a pyramid, (peer amid), Awareness, "what is" looking at this right now. Same damn thing, open and available for everyone, and yet also, completely secretive and unfindable. You're more powerful than you know. So powerful you can play student if you'd like. A good pupil is just a black hole that is "what" allows light in, otherwise there's no seeing.

When I was 15 a traumatic emotional event happened and I got an intense migraine. After I recovered I realized had eye floaters, realized they were permanent and started focusing on them. I had all kinds of thoughts. "Oh my God, am I going blind? I can't even look at the sky anymore, there are all these strange projections of strings and dots." My algebra class had white walls and I would unfocus my eyes and stare at my eye floaters instead of paying attention to anything else. I found an online internet forum for people with eye floaters, full of people absolutely miserable about this situation. Instead of finding any support there, I found a ton of people FAR more obsessed and depressed about it than I was. I started polling everyone older than me, do you have eye floaters? Almost everyone said yes, but no one seemed affected by it or cared about it. Then I realized that if I just focused on what I was seeing, on what I wanted to look at instead of the floaters, they might as well not even exist. They didn't exist, unless I focused on them. The importance of focus and focusing on what you want to see, not what you do not want to see is HUGE when it comes to consciousness and personal development. If you focus on the neurosis, whether in yourself or in others that's all you see. However, the amazing thing about it is that is shows you that you CAN raise your standards, that anything is possible, but you must focus on what you WANT. You are a powerful focuser. Lots of people who find there way "here" are. The problem with that is that it makes it of upmost importance that you recognize the power of focus IS to focus on what you want. Meditation teaches us to relax our thinking, the tensions and then, it opens to door to inspiration which is the power behind, and the eventual direction for what you want to focus on.

Meditation IS sinking into sheer appreciation of awareness and feeling, the Source of what you are. If you don't practice appreciation in everyday life you can't expect to appreciate meditation, likewise meditation enhances appreciation in regular life. You know for yourself the path of least resistance in the moment. You don't shut your eyes while looking at a beautiful sunset because you have the thought that it's an image, and images aren't "real". That's like a fundamental Christian who truly enjoys rock music but won't listen to it and gets a scowl on his face when he hears it playing in the store because he believes that if he lets himself enjoy it, God might smite him for it. There's no God to smite you and there's no overlooking awareness. There's only escaping enjoyment and feeling now because you have the belief that if you deprive yourself of it now, you might be able to still get it later. It makes no sense! ?

That's amazing. I've been doing really short sits spontaneously during the day whenever I feel like I need it, and it's amazing how often I'll get hit with an idea or inspiration and if not then the way I feel is more than enough.

Oh, I ALREADY carefully choose, feel into and align with what I want. I'm already a master at this. I forgot and started to tell another story, maybe because I thought it was more interesting and I forgot that more interesting is not actually more authentic, and more interesting is not more enthralling and more interesting is not what feels the best. I'm raising my standards so high, I don't have any anymore. At some point they shot through the atmosphere and the rest of us just stood there watching where they had been with our mouths hanging open for a while, until we lost interest and went on with our lives. Happily. Ever. After.

It's not a phase, you have the potential to experience joy (even intense joy) and peace at any point. It's really just about noticing when you are there and appreciating the heck out of it. Your attitude about your journey mimics the attitude anyone who feels unfulfilled has about life "something is missing, I'm not right, I'm not doing it right, I'm not advanced enough, I'm not good enough, etc" has. It doesn't matter if they've even heard of enlightenment or not, it's the same pattern. This belief that something is off and something in unreachable, that life is unsatisfactory will color your experience to reflect it. If you want truly want the future to be different, now must be different. The future will not magically change because we think now is not enough. Now must be enough, because now is all there is. The way "through" it is to intend to find things to appreciate, and to sink into appreciation of things. When we have spent our lives looking for things to complain about and looking for things that are wrong, the way to undo this is to intend to find things that you truly appreciate. It can hep to start with the easiest subjects, nature, surroundings, etc. Appreciate how comfy your bed is before you go to sleep, appreciate the people in your life, even if you have to find specific little aspects to focus on. Appreciate how perfect the earth is, how perfectly situated it is from the sun, how incredibly amazing it is that THIS is happening at all. Appreciate yourself. You ARE that same perfection.

Your questioning the outside observation and judgement of an animal being enlightened or not, and a scientist questioning whether light is a wave or a particle so he can know what it is and finding that it entirely depends on the observer, because the "thing" and the awareness "of the thing" are not ever separate, well, it struck me as the same thing.