mandyjw

You already are actualized femininity, no thought required. Insecure thoughts are contagious if you're in the habit of believing them. Find something to do that brings you joy on a whole different subject until you can come back to this one without feeling bad about it. Men love inspired women, and when you're happy and carefree you become strangely powerful and don't care about men, except if it just adds to the inspiration and happiness you already are enjoying.

Jeeeesus. Of course! You'd be signaled to back down if someone is exhibiting strong emotion.

You cannot cloud over this. No matter how hard you try. I fucking love clouds. *Looks outside.* Funny it was really cloudy today, and now it's cloudless. When I was driving today the sun would go away and as I drove the clouds moved and the sun seemed to move and it was like when I moved the sun did too. The universe played into my narcissism. That's pretty much all the "external" universe is, a play of your narcissism. "Narcissus is a genus of predominantly spring flowering perennial plants of the amaryllis family, Amaryllidaceae. Various common names including daffodil, narcissus and jonquil are used to describe all or some members of the genus. " My face actually feels flushed from journaling. Strange but cool.

HE THINKS it's actually the daisies she wants! THAT FUCKING FOOL! He can't see what's happening! He thinks she won't want them, because he actually thinks it's about the daisies! There are no fools. FOOL!!! So whose fault is it? Fault, a rift that is moving. It's no one's fault. The fault is the opening where "what is" and who we think we are falls apart.

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. " Or just stop shaming. George Bush got it right. OOOOHHHHHH. I know what's happened to my mind. Happened? to? my? mind? Yeah, I know. I'm intensely aware that I'm making my own meanings, so I can no longer fixate on a specific meaning as much and automatically assume it, but I still feel the absence of the meaning so I automatically obsessively flip through them like a flip book. He loves me! He loves me not! I don't get it! I can't get it! I still so love the play of words here. I know that the search is futile, but the momentum is still going. It's fun when it's a play on words. (Moment-um? by the way) but it's not fun when it's something I have attachments to or seems to really matter. There aren't any zombie people Mandy. Hangs head in sorrow. I can imagine a little girl in a field ripping the petals off a daisy, searching for an answer as a boy stands there watching her, unknown to her, with a bouquet of daisies, that he now no longer wants to give her. How does Source feel about that? It's scarier than anything else I can envision, zombies included. What are you saying, I need to say "fuck the law of attraction"? The law of attraction is the boy. And you aren't the girl. Geez, that's a relief.

Got some sort of strange form or perspective of understanding about the existence of other people, I don't know if I can put it into words but it feels amazing. For some reason one of the huge sources of suffering has been my exertion of so much effort trying to figure out people, are they good, can I trust them? If they loved me once, do they still love me? Was the love really real? Do I actually love them? And I realized that I had already worked through this PAINFULLY with my relationship with my father. There's someone so close to me, someone whose genes I share, someone who had the strongest influence on me, and I came to the relaxation after years of dealing with him and the STARK gut wrenching contrast while he was under the influence of alcohol and under the influence of Source, that there is only influence. Rather, there are not two influences, and no one to be under them but dynamic, alive awareness. By insisting that other people are alive in thought and that I can know them in thought with adjectives and nouns, I actually murder them. I turn them into zombies in my own mind. My daughter said something about a zombie Peppa pig that got me thinking, why are zombies so horrific? (And yet so tantalizingly entertaining) Because they aren't really dead, but they aren't any longer the character that we expect either, instead they are a force that's coming for everything that we think we are. I'm haunted by the notion that everyone I love is actually really horrible, and I don't see it out of naivete. If I dropped the need to see myself as good, why did I maintain it when it came to others? You think you could do one and not the other? I guess I never did drop the need to see myself as good. Let's dissect. "The need." All you are IS "see yourself and Good". The need is born out of the belief that you NOT this. The Universe just brought my distracted mind this. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baker-Miller_pink "Baker-Miller Pink, also known as P-618, Schauss pink, or Drunk-Tank Pink is a tone of pink which has been observed to reduce hostile, violent or aggressive behavior." Colors effect emotions, of course, one translation of energy, effects the corresponding translation of energy. Pink is of course, made fun of by masculine and thought to be only enjoyed by feminine. (This is our story.) The feminine "role" is to reduce hostile, violent or aggressive behavior. Not just for her survival but for the survival or her children and community. And so we do this... BOOM. Look at the synchronicity with to OP's avatar. Damn! It's not that I don't see myself as good, it's that I don't see myself as safe, or good enough. I depend on men reacting to the "color pink" positively. But I don't know that they always will, and so what I can do is try to know them, see if I can really trust them, see if they have my and the collective "my" best interests at heart. And then... I (psychologically) turn them into Zombies. Reminds me of Kali, in preventing war, in protecting innocence, she's also bloodthirsty. Law of attraction, what you resist, persists. By turning them into zombies, I actually make them something that I have to be extremely vigilant to defend myself from. I can't actually know them, or deem them safe. I have to constantly be on the lookout. It's exhausting! Instead of Awareness, and trusting source, I've traded it in for constant vigilance. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! MAD EYE MOODY! And HE'S the fake, the IMPOSTER! OHH!!! Of course. What's hilarious is that I forgot that part the second time through the books. Completely fucking FORGOT that Mad Eye Moody was an imposter. It was tantalizing, I got to be surprised, ALL over again. Oh god, now I'm really laughing at myself. Hermione screams out for compassion. This video popped up strangely. She uses the same analogy of constant vigilance. When you replace "email" with "thinking" it sort of fits. If you mistake constant vigilance for Awareness, it feels awful. Funny how in theory they are SO similar. Sort of like Mad Eye Moody, looks like the real Mad Eye Moody, but is an imposter. So the compassionate, feminine stance, and the goal of the color pink is a topic I'm very curious about but don't know if I'm ready to go into. I have a desire for understanding though. What if it's not the masculine I want to embody, but to accept what I already am as enough? Yup, that resonates. And then, there wouldn't be the need to change anyone else either, if I was already enough.

You are never alone. There are powers and presences who serve you all the time most faithfully. You may or may not perceive them, nevertheless they are real and active. When you realize that all is in your mind, and that you are beyond the mind, that you are truly alone, then all is you. -Nisargadatta Maharaj

Don't mistake your muse with an instrument.

I've suffered with this a lot. I think women especially are trained to always be aware of the feelings and the needs of others, put them ahead of your own and to never to step on any toes. Our mind has co-opted this as the "right" way of being. Put how you feel first. The magic is that it actually enhances your ability to effectively care for (or about) others. I found Abraham Hicks' teachings to be really enlightening and empowering in this area.

Would you expect to cut down a large tree with one swing of an ax? If God is a thing in duality, you could experience God, but experience requires a separate experiencer.

Most of your attention when your eyes are open is projected out, so even with eyes open, it's a thought that "I'm in here.". Touch a surface nearby with your hand and close your eyes. Is there two sensations, my hand and the surface? Or is direct experience of touching indistinguishable hand from object unless you think about it?

Think of it this way, a good doctor can't be squeamish, prone to passing out or be too wrapped up in their patient's pain. They do care about it though, and they are aware of it. They have to be utterly focused on what they do want, the wellness of the patient, and so they take the steps necessary and focus on being fully present with that action. You can see illness and focus on the abundance of wellness that is there instead, people who are sick are actually mostly well. Earth is perfectly situated near the sun for life, and your body is doing all kinds of things to keep you well without you giving them any thought or attention. The inspiration to clean up the planet isn't going to come from staring too long at the horrible mess humans have made, and coming away with the conclusion that we're all doomed so nothing we do matters now, but from appreciating the stunning resilience and beauty of nature and being inspired to be and feel a wholistic part of it. Likewise looking at someone else's suffering can be the same way, you feel and are a part of the wellbeing, namaste, the light within you recognizes the light within them. Not the illness, the light.

@Preety_India Just wanted to say from personal experience, that I've found it important to balance out time spent here with time spent following, conversing with and really appreciating powerful creative women or in environments different from this one. There are some hurt perspectives often shared here, and since it's so male dominated, one could easily absorb those perspectives as a female who is sensitive to insecurities. Sometimes when I've fallen into that role, it's gotten the best of me. I have to remember that I can only enjoy the forum and be of any help to anyone here if I'm at my best. Also funny that we both felt inspired? to change our profile pics to pictures of men. lol

I think that presenting a teaching as being channeled avoids some of the projections that people make on teachers. Sometimes it's necessary to make a separation between the wisdom and how it resonates for you and your perception of the character and whether you trust them or not. Channeling is not a big deal, you channel all the time, it's just that you're not always conscious of it or clear and intentional about where it's coming from. In my opinion the whole channeling an alien thing isn't any different from Buddhists shaving their heads and wearing robes.

It might help to understand why it happened, even if you don't go back to taking psychedelics. The mind separates things. It's sort of like Edward Scissorhands, it's an awkwardly designed sort of thing that separates things. When it begins to wake up to its own power, potential and realizes that it has been misusing it all this time, the first solution that comes up to it (of course!) is to separate itself off from life. Its real power and potential is to create. Any moment you stand staring in horror at your scissor hands (mind) is a moment you're not realizing its power as a tool to create with. You are, (like Edward Scissorhands), completely innocent, you are a creation, here to create. You realize your creative power and realize that you are not a separate part of it, but you're part of an already brilliant piece of artwork, and you're here just for the joy of creating with it, in it and improving upon what does not require improvement.

I'd explore the topic of self esteem (identify and drop thoughts and feelings of insecurity) and creativity. Are there creative pursuits and projects you want to do but aren't making time for or are doubting yourself too much to pursue? Creativity and sexuality are very related energies. Monogamous relationships can be wonderful foundations for creative people, but if you don't acknowledge, romance and make love to your creative muse, you'll might want to go looking for her, thinking you'll find her in the flesh.

Obsessive thinking will obsess about that mole it thinks might be not quite right, or it will obsess about its not quite right trajectory towards enlightenment. The subject doesn't matter, except this one aims to question and point back to the thoughts themselves. But misdirected thinking can co-opt it. It's when we really "forget it" that we actually blame our very commitment to it. If we were committed in the first place, we wouldn't be able to forget it. Less hate or worship for the process and more aiming to feel better by actually feeling better is goal and process wrapped into one. Normal life is not at odds with anything here.

Having freedom to do what you want with your day seems like a blessing a curse. I have lots of freedom to do only what I'm inspired to do, and yet I also have the freedom to waiver back and forth in indecision and no motivation. I'm focusing on having no focus. What do I want to focus on? Daffodils? Will that work again? Probably not. When I was doing drawings and paintings, I used to enjoy the part toward the end the most. Because you were just adding to what was already wonderful on its own, making it even more wonderful. That's the "right" use of the mind, isn't it? If you parent a child with the attitude that they are horrible and you must reform them, it will be awful for them and you. But if you parent them with the understanding that they are wonderful, but that there are some refinements that could be made and would be fun and good to make, it's a much different experience.

I'm frustrated with the back and forth. Feeling the excitement of life, realizing I've lapsed into thought structures (was not feeling excitement), sobering up. Sobering up is not waking up. Waking up feels like appreciation and transcendence and letting go. Sobering up feels like self-judgement, regret, and thoughts of walking off the face of the earth, not creating anymore. Seeking, denying, seeking, denying. Loop dee loop de loop. Gas, brakes, gas, brakes. Feels miserable, feels like I'm completely paralyzed, I don't know what choice to make, I don't know what my intuition is telling me, it's sayin' nothin. I don't have a perspective, I've got no focus, nothing. I am focusing on not having a focus. Humm... Seriously? Why would I do that? Habit of thought to claim a trajectory and itself as the continuum. It was never the focus, but an object focused on, and it does not have the power to hold focus. For whatever reason this year the daffodils are spectacular. I never planted any of them, the lady who lived in this house before did. And they only get better and better and better. And I don't even do anything to them. This year I did cut back some bushes around them, but I only did this because they looked so beautiful, I thought maybe my action could enhance what already was going well. Holy old fuck. The magic of journaling never ceases to amaze me. That's the magic of focus.

@BipolarGrowth ?

Here is an idea.

"Turn the other cheek" means that when you focus on something else, and drop the thoughts a lot of conflicts are resolved. We often create conflicts out of nothing when we practice reaction rather than focusing on what we do want. However, like in the example of the OP gave, some people and some situations are going to continue unless you do what's appropriate. Non-reaction doesn't work out so well as an ideology or a rule to follow. Outwardly you may react but inwardly you're at peace and aligned with it. Don't take on inner conflicts within yourself just to prevent outward ones, it doesn't work.

Yet another vote for The Power of Now.