mandyjw

?? Paint me bad, paint me bad Ok, so seeing through someone else's perspective can be incredibly painful if you have any pain(t) resonating in you with that matches. "Oh, look, you're a dark depressing muddled blue, ME TOO, I have some too, right over here, see!!! Look, we match! We can LOVE each other, or tear each other's throats out! We'll do some of both." Fun times. The light resonates differently, it KNOWS that it's lighting the blue, it has within the potential for blue or all color light, it is that but it AIN'T that. Universe, I wanna be Ain't that. What did you say? Paint that? NO, I said AIN'T THAT! AIN'T THAT, I WANNA BE "AIN'T THAT!" What is "that"? Remember, I am a universe of no exclusion. I don't hear what you do not want. "We don't make mistakes. We have happy accidents."

This, THIS busting THROUGH the emotional barriers I felt imposed upon me by the world and others, is all I ever really, really wanted. Every other desire was an attempt at trying to get a taste of it, but within the framework itself. Smashing through the framework, realizing it's not solid. It's like @Nahm said to me about platform 9 3/4 in Harry Potter, you have to run head first into what looks to be a brick wall. Sounds bad ass or something but it might look like admitting to yourself that you still love stuffed animals. ?‍♀️

Woah! Woah! Woe. Woe. I'm Peter. Denying Jesus, "No, I don't know that crazy asshole!" And then the chicken called him chicken. I'm just a lump of paint standing here, I don't know anything about light. Yeah, my boobs are really tiny. Yeah, there's lots of other things too, should I mention them all so you'll know about them? Just some paint, not even good paint. I don't want you to think I'm ugly, so I just think I'm ugly first. I don't want you to think I'm crazy, so I think I'm crazy first. It works pretty well. But sometimes people think things that are all over the place and confuse me so I just don't go anywhere where people can talk to me or even think about me, because then I'll try to think about me too. That way I don't have to answer questions when people ask "Do you Know the Light?". No, I'm paint! What do I know of light? Nothing. No. Never been seen with the light, certainly not a student of the light learning to paint with it or anything like that. Oh please don't call me ugly or crazy, or wrong, or bad, or nail me to a cross too. You wanna paint me bad, pay me back Said I like it like that, said I like it like that You wanna, make me, make me, make me, make me, make me And I like it like that, and I like it like that Of COURSE loneliness was always just shame.

Thinking about women loving animals. I was never much for horses but journaled about this in the past. What animal submits to a man, works for a man, yet can crush him any moment, stomp him, and is essentially always more powerful than him? And people wonder why women love horses. I got the third message from the third person today saying along the lines "I don't get it, why are you so insecure, it makes no sense." All three of those people seem to also think that externals make for security, and don't see that they actually are translating the externals. When I see what they see, I feel good a moment and then insecure again. I must be the externals, and I can't be sure of these, can't secure these. I saw something today that triggered something in me, desire/insecurity, I guess, and I do the same thing. I know when people project talent or attractiveness or value on me, that it's in them. It's clearly their own experience of inspiration, and how I feel about Olympic athletes come to mind. Frequently during the Olympics I'm like "I don't give a fuck about the Olympics" and then by the end of it, I'm all eyes full of wonder, so frigging inspired and also feeling like a fat, very past my prime, slob. Inspiration/Insecurity movement. I want it BUT, I'm not a 14 year old gymnast or figure skater. I'm still not really sure my stomach muscles went back into their proper positions after having babies. I mean universe, really, it's true. Universe- "Form, externals, body" ahem? But like the inspiration, the wonder really IS ALL you. And you have to translate it. Or you have to realize that you ARE translating it, and learn to do a better fucking job of it. You have to both tame and free the wild horse, it's a part of you. The feminine, masculine, the wonder, the inspiration, the insecurity, the intuition "I'm not that", it's just a part of you. I'm not that. I'm not the body. I AM that. Ok, so what happens is this. You feel like the insecure slob, you go to the gym, it feels great and it feels awful. You realize that you have an incredible lack of skills relating in society, driving in city traffic, just being your idea of what a "normal person" is, and you decide to force yourself through this somehow. You realize that you are like Peter denying Jesus three times, I am THAT, I KNOW THAT, I am KNOWING ITSELF, and I'm going around feeling as if I'm something that is not that. My parents were incredibly open-minded to the realization that they were wrong, that there was a better way of being out there. And yet, what kept them from experiencing it was the fear and insecurity of the identity of being wrong. And so in spiritual matters my parents transformed incredibly fast. Yet in form, they stayed living in their shitty trailer, in the middle of the blackfly infested woods, doing work for shitty bosses who didn't appreciate them, all afraid of losing what they had, of throwing out the stuffed animal. They're right, you don't realize you're fucked and throw it in the trash. You don't ignore the emotional and spiritual for physical externals, you do the emotional release and you focus on what you want, thanking and letting go of the rest. You stop mistaking the PAINT for the light. You cannot mix paint colors and get brilliant white light, you just get mud, because paint is a filter, it absorbs and reflects light, it is not the Source of the Light. In white light, every single color is inherent there, in it. JESUS CHRIST. I'm not the paint! I'm not the paint. What a fucking relief, I'm not the paint. You can stop hiding from your own light now.

Spirituality is about the transcendence of duality and identity, submissive/assertive, masculine/feminine. Deities are often combining stuff together, or illustrating something. If there are no men and no women, but all is "spirit" what is there to submit to?

"You're too old for stuffed animals. You're too old for imaginary friends. You should be ashamed of them. You should throw them in the trash. They get in the way of having real friends, you're the problem, immature, flawed. You make projections on people, people you don't really know, knowing that you can't really know anyone, because you're so flawed, they're still stuffed animals. THROW THEM IN THE TRASH." Marie Kondo, I love you. Your section on getting rid of stuffed animals was so amazing, even though I never really had many issues getting rid of actual stuffed animals, there was some psychological thing there that you totally validated and I stopped thinking I was just seriously fucked up for it. And all the rest of your advice while it was helpful for cleaning up my house, the psychological practice and theory behind it, amaaaaaazing. Of course you can't truly get rid of something out of shame or anger, or remorse. There is no material. Paradise on my right, and h-h-hell on my left And the angel of death, she said to God: Un-fuck the world, un-fuck the world You stupid girl, you stupid girl That's so weird, it's just like the idea of horcruxes, how we hide emotion in the strangest places.

I'm supposed to be making supper. Supper has been conceived of. It has started. Ok, so I still find this heartbreaking, I was actually ashamed of feeling lonely. The stuffed animals which are imaginary friends, the company of a child, the imagination of a child imagining those button eyes to be real (Awareness says yes), the lion. The actual loss and grief projected upon the stuffed animal when it is lost. Feeling lonely. JESUS CHRIST. More connections and understandings of why certain things were attracted than I want to say. Judging myself for being lonely, the inherent insecurity and feeling that there's something deeply wrong with me is the same thing that people here in the dating section do, and do pick up to make themselves feel better. Only they only seek sex and validation from the opposite sex, they don't often know that they want a greater connection with people... a connection with Source/themselves. So I would have been fascinated by this plight because I was also experiencing the exact same thing, in a much more vague, hard to describe to others bigger picture form. I'm starting to think that I particularly want to work with people on social anxiety. It seems to me from the stark contrast between the two sessions I've done with people so far that extroverts get what they want so easily and quickly and are wonderful fun to work with, but if you have anxiety, your desire is so strong but you feel so crippled because that must be soothed before anything else can be done in conversation. Making space for this or even getting the conversation to take place is a major achievement in itself. I'm like a natural born people loving extrovert who was born into a life of severe introversion. No fucking trick or treating. NEVER GOT TO DO IT. The devil's holiday. Look at me NOW Pastor LEON. What is it with the Leos and the Leons and the lions? I had to work my way out of what I wasn't actually inclined toward by what I was inclined toward. Ah... Well PLAYED Universe. Well played.

Readying the pity party. It's like a tea party but there's no tea or refreshments. Or people. And SO *hand clap* it begins. Lately, often, sometimes, becoming more aware of it, I feel really lonely. Oh shit. I think I just realized something. I don't WANT to feel lonely, so maybe that's why I think about people who aren't there, often from a lower vibration than would be desirable. Or maybe that's what causes the loneliness? Dunno. Let's forget causes and blames right now. So I've often had an intense feeling of loneliness all my life. I like people and I like fun and I like doing new things but I was born to parents who don't or forgot that they do too. They lived in fear, lived with a strong work ethic. And my dad especially had a horrendously STRONG pattern of doing what I described above, only he would vent about people out loud to us. I acclimated to this and took on these patterns, thinking them good, even taking on his negative perceptions of people. So basically you get angry and shit all over people out of insecurity because you think you're somehow at fault for being lonely or feeling unappreciated. Not a great strategy. Lately while running in the woods with my dog at my parents that I always walked in as a kid, I feel stuck in these loops. Stuck thinking about spirituality, about people in spirituality, pondering it, but not really, just feeling this sense of resistance. While literally running the same old loops, every fucking day. And none of this is going to get rid of the loneliness. I know it's silly. I know I have tons of people who love me, but it's like there's this childhood trauma of being isolated, growing up in the middle of nowhere to shy parents, and it's just stuck there. I ended up choosing it because it was what was safe and familiar. I want so badly for something else, and yet this is all I attract. I was ready to change everything, finally felt in the position to. And a global fucking pandemic happens. I'm attracting this. I vibrationally attracted, CHOOSE this. Ok to be fair, I was trying to force things into place. Also, I love it. I love being out in the middle of no where, and I hate it. BOY could one really get swept away with a love, a passion, a fantasy. A thought, a notion of someone and then an entire summer never seeing them just you and nature and running and your wonderful imagination. I seemed to be cursed/blessed with the knowing that romance really was NOT for a person but always for God. I always left space for Jesus. Sometimes around age 13 Jesus stopped being Jesus and became an amalgam of nature and God in my mind which I symbolized strongly in mind and heart with an image of a lion. When I was 14 I met my husband and he sparked in me a passion for fantasy and writing, and a deep spiritual journey into feeling where I dove into my own relationship with God and translated it for him to try to free him, from something. I remember at the start at first, it was jokes and ridiculousness. This play, this back and forth just an excuse to awaken my own passion for writing, communication, teaching, our own journey together. How could someone so closed minded back then be so open-minded and supporting today? I thought I had to put in so much effort transforming him. Turns out the only one who had to transform was me. Both those things were already happening. Pretty spectacular how all that happened. I see how silly this loneliness thing is. I see how understandable it is, especially right now. I'm glad I stopped trying so much to spiritually bypass it, to be better than this insecurity. I was actually embarrassed and ashamed of it. I feel much better right now. I also see the power in taking action, I see a deep desire to connect people, to connect people with people but essentially to connect them with their own Source. And I can only do this from my connection. And so because I have this desire, it SEEMS that other people seem to connect me with my Source, but it's not so.

Ever worked really hard on something you were inspired to do and it didn't feel like work at all cause you loved every moment? Yeah, shoot for that. You want to want to do what you "should" do. This means sort of practically, working on loving doing what you're doing when you don't think you want to be doing it (all that takes is dropping thoughts about not liking it) and doing more of what you love doing.

@Nahm

OMG synchronicity. What she does to the stuffed animals.

"When we pathologize something it tends to be taken more seriously." -some random article. What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up? Let's use the emotional what's up? scale. I need to clean this up a bit for presentation. I think I'm somewhere between yellow and orange. I'm a mac and cheese colored crayon. Ok. So I'm aiming for yellow. Feeling some insecurity. Pretending to know this feels better. Yellow achieved! Alright green. Deep breath and close my eyes. Green achieved! Alright turquoise. Colors are cool. The F word is cool. Crayons are cool. Writing is cool. My life is cool. Turquoise achieved! Alright, BLUE! Uhmm... I need music for this. Muninn is too big to sit in my lap so he just happily lays across my lap with his back legs on the floor. He is completely relaxed right now, his shoulders and head sloped down. It's so cute. Alright, that was bullshit, I'm back to mac and cheese again. I keep having all these thoughts about myself that feels awful. Let's explore. My son just showed me a video of someone shredding random stuff. 8 year olds and youtube. While he is thrilled by these things it activated in me a very old feeling that came up a week or so ago that struck me as interesting. A feeling of hating loss and wastefulness and having this deep sort of sorrow come up. It's especially strong around little things, and physical things that seem like they shouldn't matter, the idea of a child losing a toy, or something someone could have enjoyed being wasted. It's the kind of feeling you confront when you clean out your house and make space for stuff, keeping only what you really need. Always had this it seems. There's an old scene in an Aladdin show of a child losing his teddy bear that i saw when i was a kid that traumatized me to this day. I don't know what to do with this though. Maybe I'm in the process of throwing some old beliefs away but I've forgotten to focus on what I do want and to really thank the stuff I'm letting go of, rather than blaming myself for wasting it. "When we pathologize something, it tends to be taken more seriously." Giving attention to what's wrong and not what's right. I got a youtube comment this morning that bothered me, "this is just personal fantasy story telling" I mean, sure. But... I think I'm realizing that I'm really not special at all. Like not at all. During the awakening I was hit by this feeling that everyone knew this already, and I was the last to get it. Which in a way was another delusion, and ended up thinking I was really special and owning the feeling of it all but whatever. So in my realization that I'm not special, I try to turn myself into this idea of something NOT special, like an image of a worn out, torn teddy bear that needs to be thrown in the trash. But I can't let go of it, cause every time I do its eyes seem to plead with me not to do it and I get really sad, and I can't be happy keeping this thing I've outgrown that's cluttering up my house and giving me allergies and I can't be happy letting go of it either. It's not like I can choose to keep or throw out an imaginary teddy bear. I feel a sense of loss, over losing my sense of loss. You are all welcome to come to my pity party. There will be rainbows, bald eagles and tea. If I have fun at my pity party is it really a pity party? if there's pity is it really a party? I don't know the difference between comedy and philosophy anymore. Oh.... I suppose when you color code the emotions on a screen, it's seen that they are all there in the inherent, not separate, potential in the brilliant white light screen that creates/appreciates them.

Holding a belief that beauty can be lost or found.

Start a youtube channel talking about something you love. Doesn't matter if you don't post the first videos, make them for yourself. Doesn't matter if you post the videos and don't have any subscribers. Do it for you. There's a kind of confidence or "in the flow with words" kinda thing that just happens when we talk about something we love, and the magic is that it translates and opens us up with other subjects and situations. It becomes easier and easier to get in that flow state of speaking because you practice it. Social anxiety is really a fear of the unknown. You don't know what people are going to say next. You don't know what you should say next. Because you're trying to figure it all out, you don't actually listen to what people are saying and don't actually know what to say next, so it's a fear that creates itself. It's hard to jump into this and break a strong cycle. That's why learning to speak about something you love on your own is such an incredible tool. When you love the conversation, when you're in tune and connected spontaneity (the unknown) IS the magic and no longer the fear. Practicing in front of a camera with a video file you can delete is the best cheat there is for this in my opinion. When it comes to girls, attraction and flirting is really all about this ease and flow state, so while it might seem like it's a divergence from your goal, it's not.

Write to her, pour your f-ing heart out. Ok, so here's the secret. If I say "don't send it", I ruin it, but if you mean to send it you also ruin it. The point is you're doing this for you, not any outcome. So don't send it. Also there might be some ideas you have in general about love being conditional, about love and distances, about love and limitations that you want to let go of. Or maybe there's something about her that you really appreciated that you want to embody. So regardless of outcome of closure, there could be something about yourself that she is key to, or rather this emotional journey is key to you seeing about yourself.

@tatsumaru That sounds to me like misunderstood empathy, or like you are so overwhelmed by the emotions and thoughts about them themselves that you have lost vision of what they are guiding you toward. "God so loved the world that...." It would be better if the verse stopped before the word "the" or "that". You ARE love, feeling, emotion, what we call empathy is all communication out of love and leading us TO that.

It can be helpful to imagine parts of ourselves or to use metaphors to illustrate a pattern that is going on. Sometimes we forget that this sort of imagery is meant to be healing, and we forget this and believe it to be an actual pathology or an actual separation. This is done with diagnoses as well, they can either be very healing or very limiting depending on your attitude about them, and often it's all too easy to take on the attitude of other's or the person diagnosing us. What's meant to be healing can easily be believed to be a limitation. I'd suggest journaling about it, using creativity and being really playful about it. If you've ever read the cartoon strip "Calvin and Hobbes" (if you haven't go do it!) you know that it's sort of like a conversation between one mind, but the minds are separate, and the same at once. One voice or character is a ridiculous child full of desires and frustrations and bad judgement and the other is a wise but also playful voice. The interaction between them is hilarious, enlightening, fun. Read the strip get into the spirit of it, and write out your thoughts. Have a conversation with yourself. It IS as ridiculous as it sounds, that's the point, the fun of it. Sometimes journaling out your inner child and your inner "wiser voice" as if they were separate can show you that really, they are not at all separate. ❤

You can't wrap your head around it (funny expression in context, am I right?) because explanation or thought is just a temporary illusion of knowing what's going on. Awareness is itself the only true Knowing and it's also Unknowing. If there was no unknowing "aspect" to it, you could not learn anything, you wouldn't be open to learn and then you couldn't KNOW anything in the first place. Awareness is the ultimate open-mindedness. You can't wrap your head around it because your head isn't finite and there's nothing for it to be around. You're infinitely, borderlessly open. Emotional pain is not separate from physical pain. Also if you think you know what everything is, what your body is and you're caught in thought all the time you aren't open or aware of to subtle sensations and signs. I'm not saying that anyone who doesn't know they have cancer is ignorant of something, but just that it's not as scary as a situation as it seems at all.

"Butterfly Garden Magic Mushroom" handmade glass bead/necklace

Survival is just an apparent function of creation, so going direct to the source means tapping into creative energy. Creativity, coincidently, is attractive power and love itself, it is already fulfilled unto itself, unconditional. It's getting into an emotional state of fulfillment, fun, curiosity and appreciation or a relationship with oneself that then shapes and makes necessary space for all other relationships. From that place of fulfillment relationships are a creation, they are adding to what's already going well just for fun. They are a creative expression of love. The way people often go about relationships is from a place of insecurity and need. They become just like the people hoarding toilet paper at the start of the pandemic. Rather than focusing on what they have and creating an inspired life, they focus on lack and fears of being without. It's trying to find the security that's missing in themselves in another. Rather than being about survival or transcendence of survival, it's really one's own survival or transcendence of their own thoughts and attitude. It's amazing how much effort we will put into the survival and maintenance of a crappy feeling attitude. That's the only thing trying to survive and always failing, really, cause it can't hold a candle to the creative light that you really are.

Oh... Yeah there's a lot of that in me, a lot of split energy, a lot of inner emotional toilet paper hoarding. I don't know that though. I'm yellow on the scale. I want to know that I'm loved, smart, appreciated, helpful, good. I seek it in responses, which is exactly what's happening. I give responses weight, because I desire to know something about myself from them, I desire to know how loved I am, how well I'm doing. I desire to know that I'm not a whore when awareness is the ultimate whore with carnal knowledge of everything. I'm an intelligent, brilliant woman here people! Oh God, glad I don't have to hold myself to that standard. That's what a standard is a continuous, but intermittent (that's thought) checking in on oneself. "How are we doing today?" "I don't know, let's check the youtube comments, cause I sure as fuck don't know what to think." Let's interact with people trying to be right cause I'm lookin for love, which is also just my own way of looking to be right. And I wonder why no one interacts with me anymore. The bearded lady is torn. Maybe, MAYBE the lion tamer will love her if she shaves (or Nairs?) her bead, but she will also lose her source of income, her place in the circus and her reason for even being around him. Can she go on existing without seeing him everyday? She will lose the one thing that is unique about her. And she'll never know if he really loves her, just for her. (He doesn't.) Uh! So much split energy. So much drama! DOES SHE EVEN WANT TO BE A BEARDED LADY IN THE CIRCUS? Ohhh! He is the reason, the focus/catalyst for the existential crisis, which REALLY connects her with her own Source and what she truly wants. And she realizes, oh wonder of wonders, that this inherent FREEDOM IS IT, not the choice she makes at all. There is no right choice. Bearded or unbearded, she is beautiful, and she is free.

I think my dog experiences all but purple and red, but I have to venture into yellow territory to surmise this. However am I bullshiting myself that I know what he experiences or am I creatively imagining, what's the difference? I guess there are two types of pretending that we DO know. There's pure creative imagination, which is self-admittedly (self realizededly?) knowingly not knowing, it does not pretend to be the truth. It's a song, a painting, a poem, a dream, a spontaneous loving interaction. Coincidently, it IS the deepest expression of truth. Then there's trying to pretend that we know, when we actually feel insecure, trying to find security within some structure we feel at the mercy of. It's worry. It's greed. It's hoarding toilet paper. So someone else might mistake your creation or your creativity for their trying to figure stuff out out of need, but that's only because they only see in that yellow lens. That's why people call spirituality mumbo jumbo or accuse people of being just to out make money, (or in my case I get accused in youtube comments of trying to seduce Jim Newman of all people since women are just whores I guess?) Mandy, was that worth venturing into the orange section of the "I don't know what the fuck is going on" scale? Yes. Out of their lens of everything is done for survival, they don't see anything else. Because the essence of survival really is love and creativity, (the creation wants to survive, what better way than to direct tap into the creative itself) survival is taken care of spontaneously and quickly without resistance in the higher emotional states. People on the forum get this all mixed up, when the threads are about getting it right and securing knowing rather than feeling, open curiosity and having fun. HIGH QUALITY POSTS ONLY MOTHER FUCKERS, you better know what you're talking about or you are a fool. This actually DETRACTS from taking things seriously, from seeing things clearly, from taking things to heart (Heart/Source not heart sense of self.) There is no securing any knowing, note, all emotional states begin with "I don't know what the fuck is going on". It's all just the measure with which you're pushing against it. Since all knowing is ultimately Awareness, Being itself and is both knowing and unknowing. The only place on the scale that is BOTH these things is the wonder/love "place". Right now, now, now, now, now.

I'm going to make my own emotional scale. I don't know what the fuck is going on but FEEL/KNOW that it's pure WONDER, LOVE and BLISS I don't know what the fuck is going on but it's amaaaaaazing I don't know what the fuck is going on but it's kinda cool I don't know what the fuck is going on I don't know what the fuck is going on but I think I should, and even might pretend that I do I don't know what the fuck is going on but I know that I really don't like it I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I know I'm the problem, kill me/it now but I don't even know how to DO THAT, I don't know what the fuck is going on kill me/it now.

What's going on? What's going on? Well nothing really. I think there should be something going on though. I'm in a mood of dissatisfaction and I am dissatisfied with THIS!!! I expect better than expecting better! Actually life has been FULL of satisfying things. Like seriously, flowers, and rainbows and beaches, and my family and everything is ridiculously frigging great. Except Mandy's mind. Mandy's mind is like an old fashioned carnival with NO safety or humane standards with a freak show as the main act. No one is very talented, but everyone is doing their best. There are lions trying to learn to jump through flaming hoops and there's a bearded lady who is hopelessly in love with the lion tamer. He's just an asshole. That ain't gonna end well. There are vivid colors and clowns running around everywhere. We can't decide if they are joyous or obnoxious as fuck. All I can do is sit back and enjoy the fun I guess.

In my tiny elementary school our health teacher went into personal development a lot. You could tell he really liked it, and we did too. Schools are doing better, bringing in mindfulness and yoga but we have put immense pressures on teachers to use all their time to meet hurdles that standardized tests and expectations have imposed upon them. Partly due to the "No child left behind" act. Teachers now have less time to connect with kids and teach what they feel inclined to teach. Schools and teachers are also expected to pick up the slack where lack of communities in favor of highly independent family structures have left gaps. Kids need structured learning as well as unstructured learning, and self actualization requires both. I think it's a bit unfair to expect so much of schools, as other organizations, communities and individuals need to chip in. Churches have done Bible School for a week in the summer every year forever, why don't we do mindfulness and meditation schools on the same scale? I'd LOVE to volunteer for something like that.