mandyjw

I could make up any spiritual, philosophical, diet or thought system I wanted and it would show itself to me as true. I could teach others the same thing with conviction and if they were true believers inclined toward it, it would show itself to them too. Or I could follow any other system and it would show itself to be true for me. This is what nearly everyone does to one degree or another, materialism seems to run the show around here. Yet you have lots of camps of religious and spiritual people who believe a wide variety of systems. This is why the only true thing you can say is to point to the creation of experience, the I Am. It is the truth that you create your truth, the truth that ultimately, there is no you. Like you have created your view of the world around you, you are the world around you. The secret to being truly grounded is to not grasp for any ground at all. A person believes that he uses thought, he thinks thought. What he doesn't see is the brilliant twist that he IS a thought. And so, he is used by thought. It is not until you see that you are a thought, that you finally cease to be used by thought. This is true possession. The person who believes they posses thought is actually possessed by thought, they create an entity, a self who can posses, and so they ARE possessed. You could say that you are the receiver of thought. In the realization that you have no control over thought, you paradoxically tap into the creative power of it. You do not fight every thought, you, like someone walking through a crowd, simply navigate around the people you meet rather than fighting every single one. Occasionally you meet someone and have an interaction with them that's enlightening, enjoyable, that gives direction.

@Someone here What you resist persists. You don't know what dark is if you don't know what light is. A Republican defines a Democrat and vice versa. All knowing and identification is based on comparing and contrasting.

They are opposites, but in reality they aren't two separate things, creating one implies the other. If I have a blank sheet of paper and I draw a circle on it, I didn't just create a circle and the space within the circle, I created a circle and the area around the circle, the negative space of the circle. People act arrogant outwardly to cover over their own insecurities. Someone who sees weakness as being unacceptable will put on a strong façade. Someone who sees arrogance as unacceptable will put on a meek façade. They may truly believe themselves to be the façade. True Knowing and true Love are beyond these false walls, masks, outward action and appearance. This is true freedom.

For the same reason that they are insecure, mistaking the qualities of I Am for I am. Same source, many different manifestations in the moment. It's like white light is the Source that allows all colors to be, the colors reflect and absorb different wavelengths, so the object appears to be the source of the color. Light is the Source.

I've noticed a common thread when realigning with Source that I always did know "this" at heart but I let other influences train me away at times. It gets complicated to explain that there are no other influences, but that they are self created. The ideas of success, attention and fame I had turned out to be attempts at not being a silly little girl. A desire is not what you do NOT want. The core desires within them are realized to be already here. What I really wanted from youtube was friendship, fun interactions and ultimately some sort of avenue to finally be able to write and speak. The writing part was quite specific. Hello! The experience is fully here. I keep thinking I should make something out of the writing. This is very strange but, I can't seem to keep a journal on my own. I can't seem to write well and really enjoy it, except here on the forum or a few other places. I kept thinking this was some sort of self absorption but then I heard an Abraham Hicks recording about how energy and desires from the room pulls energy from Abraham. Is that what's going on? Popping into this world shook the silly, inconsequential little girl identity. Powerful, successful men make me very uncomfortable. Jesus was supposedly God come to earth as man (as are we all, oh wonder of wonder, grace or graces) and powerful, successful men killed him. This is not my personal trauma. I read the Sara book series and there was a powerful, successful man character and description that made me go a bit, like WTF? Honest to God, I think Esther is one of the greatest spiritual teachers and shares or shared this perspective somewhat. You'd think my generation would be better equipped, but I think our tactics are still quite a bit off. I wonder if identity doesn't really work out well unless you're a powerful, successful man. Is a powerful, successful man character any more consequential than any other character, or a sparrow in the author's mind? What a silly, inconsequential question! inconsequential (adj.) 1620s, "characterized by inconsequence;" 1782, "not worth noticing;" see inconsequent + -al (1). Related: Inconsequentially. It is Awareness that is so inconsequential, it is the background for consequence and sequence. We are the very merging of the silly inconsequential with infinite, invulnerable power. I cannot believe that any of this was possible. I feel like I am on the edge of a long dark forest, and all I see is openness and light. I thought I would spend my life in the dark and was content only to dream of the light. I did not know that the light with which I dreamed it with eyes shut was itself the very light I longed to see with open eyes. Out of contentment without content, nothing can be contained.

Explain yourself! Impossible. "I'm afraid I can't explain myself sir, because I'm not myself, you know. Caterpillar : I do not know. Alice : Well, I can't put it any more clearly, sir, for it isn't clear to me." When you realize that thought is not for a "you", that thought is for thought, that "you" can not actually use thought but are a thought, thought stops using you. Then for the first time, it seems like "you" can truly, fully use thought for the intended purpose of creation. You become the author, not exclusively the character, and only the character can reappear in future stories. The author is the constant whether writing, planning or not.

? You don't have to strengthen your ego, ego points to a energy/belief system behind thought that seems to be driving thought, but is actually a thought itself. This misunderstanding continues to drive thought and drives thought loops that feel awful to entertain. Ego is just a lazy term to help you imagine what's behind suffering. The term can be used to prop up and perpetuate suffering, in a thought loop about ego. What's actually behind and prior to thoughts is awareness, the center with no center. Worship consciousness, that which knows, not that which is known. That's the end of the loop, the end of the cycle. If what you mean by strengthen the ego is to get intentional about how you use thought, then great. Writing, journaling, making lists of what you really want, examining patterns that feel bad as they come up when you cannot just drop the thoughts or drop into meditation, all good uses of thought. When you realize that thought is not for a "you", that thought is for thought, that "you" can not actually use thought but are a thought, thought stops using you. Then for the first time, it seems like "you" can truly, fully use thought for the intended purpose of creation. You become the author, not the character, and only the character can reappear in future stories. The author is the constant whether writing, planning or not.

Huh, I didn't even realize I was suffocating until someone let some fresh air in.

The ego-less state (or rather the lack of negative self awareness or self concept) is more like the "dance like no one is watching" kind of freedom of being. You might talk or and burst out laughing even if no one is there. The suffering is almost always in the thought "what would others think, this is wrong/not normal, what if I'm crazy?" rather than in the spontaneity, which is usually pure freedom and joy. It's a celebration, it's a way of higher praise, a love of being. Maybe that's what's trying to work its way loose. I don't know hardly anyone who wasn't taught to sit down, sit still, shut up and wait until they are called on to express themselves as children. This is for other people's convenience, not for our own well being. Why on earth would we persist in this kind of repression, especially while alone? Because it has become deeply self imposed. Sometimes it can be helpful to carve out some time to write freely in a flow or creative style, or to dance or sing, whatever. Or just follow the inspiration when it comes.

The disgracer is the disgraced. conduct (v.) early 15c., "to guide, accompany and show the way," from Latin conductus, past participle of conducere "to lead or bring together; contribute, serve," from assimilated form of com "with, together" (see con-) + ducere "to lead" (from PIE root *deuk- "to lead"). Leading and teaching often gets wrapped up influencing. Influencing is also intertwined with entertainment. People seem to miss that entertainment and teaching are the same thing. Cookie Monster gets it. But a lot of teachers and people in charge of education don't. Teachers and parents get that kids learn social behaviors and speech from popular entertainment. If you can capture a kid's heart and respect, you can teach him anything. Anything, to the point of indoctrination. influence (n.) late 14c., an astrological term, "streaming ethereal power from the stars when in certain positions, acting upon character or destiny of men," from Old French influence "emanation from the stars that acts upon one's character and destiny" (13c.), also "a flow of water, a flowing in," from Medieval Latin influentia "a flowing in" (also used in the astrological sense), from Latin influentem (nominative influens), present participle of influere "to flow into, stream in, pour in," from in- "into, in, on, upon" (from PIE root *en "in") + fluere "to flow" (see fluent). The only influence is Source. indoctrinate (v.) formerly also endoctrinate, 1620s, "to teach," formed as if from Latin (but there seems to have been no word *indoctrinare), perhaps modeled on French endoctriner or extended from earlier (now obsolete) verb indoctrine, endoctrine, "to instruct" (mid-15c.); see in- (2) "in" + doctrine + -ate (2)). Meaning "to imbue with an idea or opinion" first recorded 1832. Related: Indoctrinated; indoctrinating. If you don't have someone's heart the only other way to teach is through negative motivation or fear. It gets most mixed up when both are present, the possibility of love lost is the worst fear. Paint a picture of what the person does NOT want to be as motivation to get them to do and act in a certain way. This is where there is no real learning taking place but only conforming. We often get so good at conforming, that we do it automatically to protect ourselves, being afraid of peers laughing at us, or other negative consequences. At some point early on we seem to stop examining the conforming action, or questioning the result that is feared, and we spend our energy jumping through hoops, never feeling safe. As a 10 year old kid I started having OCD symptoms. The start of my distance running at that age and taking spirituality(Christianity) very seriously, coincided with all this, and the only thing that "healed" it was getting deeply distracted with real life, having fun and making money as a teen and young adult. As a kid, I was not particularly drawn to rituals, except for in one instance. I had a pet rabbit who lived in my room and when I left my room I started saying bye to him, and told myself if I did not do this he would die. The insanity was that I was making my own rules that I would need to conform by by repetitively making habitual effort out of negative motivation. I was aware that I was compelled for illogical reasons and this I knew, was not sane. In hindsight, the nature and suffering of my mental illness was the very knowledge that I had an unknown (at the time) mental illness. No one had told me about the existence of OCD. The flip side is that in the realization that I was acting under a compulsion that was illogical, I had deep insight into the matrix and the nature of it being self created. But I didn't know how to stop until shortly after I learned about the existence of OCD. There is power in a name. There's a reason Harry Potter says Voldemort's name and disturbs people with it all the time. You give power to what you do not wish to give language to. Language diffuses it. We are taught the opposite in enlightenment "work" and it is deeply misleading and dangerous. This is too strong of a statement, and sort of falls into patterns that I'm examining here. Perhaps I made this assumption on my own to conform to my standard idea of enlightenment. You must let go of language before you realize that there is a message inherent to language, a message for you, that you are not just using language for yourself. Then we finally stop being used BY language. Ooooo... The remaining insight to this that I did not see was that other people did not hold a "real" reality that I could conform myself to. I knew mine was completely fictitious. I desperately required other people and their authority to hold an image of myself as being sane, good and ok. I did not see at the time that I was creating that as well, and the con-for-me-ing I was doing only to myself. If I got too close to other people they would see that I was not ok, that I was fake, a pretender and so that must never happen because if they saw it I would see myself through their eyes and see that I was not ok, fake and a pretender. Non-existent even. I sensed long ago that my own opinions and understanding of the world could not be trusted, and so the only way I thought I could truthfully see myself was through another's eyes. I never questioned the impossibility of this. "But He added, “You cannot see My face, for no one can see Me and live.”

Cool story bro! My friend once said this to me and I cringed. I hated it so bad. I was newly excited about something she thought was old hat. Our friendship was already on the rocks. Shortly after we didn't speak for a year because of a lot of other stuff. But something about "cool story bro" really fucking set me off. I feel like when it comes to society and the world I thought I had to make my home in a cesspool. It stunk. It was awful. Then I had oh revelation of revelations, "I don't have to live here anymore, it's self created, I can live anywhere else!" So I moved out. I found a nice spot. But me and my stuff is still all covered with crap and we really haven't settled in anywhere. I hosed everything off, but it still needs some detailed cleaning. I mean, this change is fantastic, but I'd by lying if I said there wasn't a lot to do still to fully settle in to my worthiness and freedom. I'm a bit of a stinky hobo still. It's exciting, and... smelly. I still get stuck in thought traps, but I am so understanding of how the maze walls work now, that I always seem to see the light shining through the dark walls, and very quickly work my way out. The main revelation is there is no maze, there is no crap, it's all made of the same light. Societal shame, social pressure and influence has an incredible potential (at the essential core of it) to enlighten a society. But until the individual sees that it is FOR them, not conFORming them, Ooooo! that was good, they will beat their heads up against those walls time and time again. I am bad. I am bad. Cool story bro! You're out of touch, uncool, unworthy. Guess what? Victoria's Secret models are so hot, if you don't look like that, you're worthless. Guess what? Victoria's Secret models are out, if you're a body shamer, you're worthless. Guess what, Mom jeans are so ugly, you'd rather die than be caught in them. Guess what, Mom jeans are the new hottest thing. I'm timelessly out of style. style (n.) early 14c., stile, "writing instrument, pen, stylus; piece of written discourse, a narrative, treatise;" also "characteristic rhetorical mode of an author, manner or mode of expression," and "way of life, manner, behavior, conduct," https://www.etymonline.com/word/style OH GOD! YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP! HOW IS THIS FUCKING POSSIBLE? It's not. And you can. You are. Cool story bro.

OH Source! Oh no you didn't. Source IS a serial killer, what it gives, it takes away. Serial... like series, like a book series. Oh. So there's really no taking away, only writing, on and on and on. Are you the story killer or the story writer and character killer? Who am I speaking to? No difference? My shark fear episode lead to something potentially very cool. I sent an email asking an opinion about it and received a field trip invitation. Why are women such cheerleaders, so fucking cheerful all the time? I mean, this is what I embody, the color I reflect that people seem to see. I dunno. My teaching lacks any "spiritual authority" and I "need to go through hell first" says youtube commenter. Some people completely mistake whining and resistance (the spiritual "man-cold") for some sort of badge of honor battle wound dark night of the soul that can be mistaken as authority by people who are also confused about suffering. It's about seeing through suffering, not writing a goddamn unnecessary novel about it that never ends. You're not playing Jesus Christ or Buddha, you're fucking George RR Martin. Oh wait this is my story. Get out of my story! Bye, now, buh bye. Oh whatever, you can stay, I don't care. I'm bad at endings and goodbyes cause I never began.

I read through your post and notice that most of the resistance is a lack of self love issue, not necessarily in the way you see the problem manifesting as not being able to stand up for yourself, but in resisting the idea of living a "small" life. We are often taught as girls to please others, make other people happy, serve others, put their happiness first and we build up our sense of self around being the cheerleader who makes others happy. Sometimes we don't even know what we really want for ourselves, we've tried to please and fit the mold all our lives. Life doesn't allow us to be that all of the time. I don't usually mention survival/evolutionary perspectives because I find them limiting ultimately, but there is a huge evolutionarily motive for women to not rock the boat. This doesn't mean you have to be stuck in it, but I say this to point out that it's oh so natural, and not your fault or a personal failing at all. But we want to live life more freely, in a more enjoyable, fun and empowered way. Ironically the best place to start is to live life small. Make a list of self care stuff, ideas you can do, small things that you truly enjoy doing. Once you start doing that start making lists of bigger things you'd like to do or experience. Once we get in touch with our own pleasure, joy and inspiration what we really want becomes SO CLEAR that our voices when we speak for ourselves inherently reflect it. We gain a kind of power that is already so inherently ours that we don't have to try to achieve it or make it ours. It's already who we really are. “We can do no great things, only small things with great love.” -Mother Theresa

Rather than looking at them as a response to an event, look at them as guidance about your interpretation of an event. In thought we have the illusion that there is separation, we remember the past, we plan for the future, we create time and stories of choice and destiny. Feeling is always now. You can think of the a time that you felt an emotion or fear an emotion being felt in the future, but the only time you can really feel emotion is now, and the only emotions in your direct experience are actually far different from what we think them to be. However, with thought we can resist the emotion and the resistance to what is actually pure feeling actually creates the negative emotions, but because we are stuck in thought we attribute the bad feeling not to our resistance but as a response to an event. This is how I feel about that. This is living in though, living in duality. Again, the emotion is not a response to the event, it is our response to the thought about or interpretation of the event. Is it in line with Self or our illusory self? Beliefs or thoughts we've held for a very long time and keep thinking have a momentum and so they are widely "behind" our interpretation of events, yet only can be seen through now as feeling (light of Awareness) is now. This is why you say emotions seem like a result, because they seem to be a reaction to a pattern that's going on. We seem to be stuck in this pattern, it's our personal matrix. It says we should suffer in this way because there's a good reason, maybe we're bad or someone else is bad and so we are justified in our blame or shame or worry. But you can always stop, go into the direct experience of feeling and feel what the emotion is really made of. At all times it's loving you, guiding you. Long held beliefs can't stand in this light of now, open, loving awareness very long. This is where true repression of emotions ends. The emotion is finally allowed to be fully felt and understood. It turned out that the mind thought it knew what repression was. It's so funny. We use thought to create. It separates and combines things, it's the tool for creation. It also can be a tool for destruction as all creation requires this action of separation. If you make a collage, you first separate the colored paper into shapes before you can combine them to make something entirely new. If you use your scissors to cut your finger instead of the paper, it hurts. Emotion acts to guide you not to create against yourSelf. This is how emotion actually is guidance of our thoughts. Emotion is neither thought nor feeling, it's almost something in between, somewhere where they meet, if you will, really an unknowable mystery unto itself. It is when we pass off emotion AS thought and not the direct experience of feeling that we lose, forget, repress or misconstrue the true power of the guidance.

I can show you the world Isn't that what the Devil tempted Jesus with? Shining, shimmering splendid Yup, I'm pretty sure he said that too. Tell me, princess, now when did You last let your heart decide? Before Mama told me to avoid the likes of you. I can open your eyes I never close them anymore anyway. Take you wonder by wonder Sounds naughty. Over sideways and under Really naughty. On a magic carpet ride A whole new world Oh, a member of the Illuminati, are you? A new fantastic point of view Probably brainwashing. No one to tell us no No one to hear my screams. Or where to go Or say we're only dreaming Can I go back to sleep now? The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don't go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want. Don't go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don't go back to sleep. -Rumi

Alright, LOA Imma gonna reign you in baby. We're reigning you in all the time. You realize this is creepy, it's all very, very creepy. Me talking to you is like talking to the serial killer for consolation about how scared and terrorized I am that there's a serial killer loose. ? Ugh! That devolved into higher wisdom fast. Too fast. Let's go back. Imma pretend you aren't the serial killer, that I don't know this, and can lay my head on your shoulder for solace. I don't have a shoulder. Stop ruining this! Jesus Christ, you're so f-ing creepy. That's a new way to address the Holy Ghost. I put the ME in blaspheme. Yes, you do. Alright enough, so there aren't SUPPOSED TO BE SHARKS WHERE I SWIM. Like, YOU LOA, Holy Ghost somehow made this come into my awareness super duper fast. And the mushrooms? What is happening? It makes me want to control my thoughts. I've learned to stop trying to control my thoughts, that controlling my thoughts gets me more of the same. I wanna go swim in the ocean! Is this bypassing, like can I just, be like, oh, no, I'm such a fucking saint, no shark gonna attack me, or is like, the fact that there could be sharks sort of adding the spice in life but right now they are giving me a touch of indigestion. I mean, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys roller coasters. I think of evvvverything. Everything. I think of MRSA infections on the roller coaster seat. It's really hard to live with a mind like that. You sound like a joy. I AM A JOY. A REAL JOY TO BE AROUND. Did you wash that shoulder before I put my head on it, by the way? You do not think of everything. You TRY to think of everything. Thinking is finite. Everything is infinite. The finite cannot know the infinite. Why does the finite suddenly know about sharks then? How come I live in the same place, but now it's wildly different, pandemics, ticks, sharks??? Is it not wildly more wonderful? Yes. What was the bag you bought at the supermarket Thursday right before this all started, that you were so inspired by? Go get it. It says "Be Wild" and it has a whale's tale on it. Something felt so good about it. Ok, I get it. Wild is the opposite of control. It's being. It's letting the cork float. Even if a shark comes by and eats it.

@SilentTears ❤

The best advice I've ever heard for dealing with grief is to look for your loved one where they are, not where they are not. Non-duality means no exclusion, what is real is never lost and death is an invitation to connect with what is eternal. There is never any closure, there is never any letting go because there is no death. He's still here, you just have to look for where he is, not pay so much attention to where he isn't. This can also possibly mean letting go of the pressure you're putting on yourself to let go and get over it. ❤ Also at the risk of sounding really strange and weird, start looking at the sky a lot. When we were kids our parents told us our pets went to live in the sky, well, it's not untrue.

You know how when you stay up to late reading online because you're too tired to get up and go to bed? That's stimulation. You're unconscious of how you feel about what you're doing and ignoring what you really want to be doing. You're actually in some sort of pain but you're too paralyzed to do anything about it. It also feels like a habit of checking the news everyday, reading stories that feel awful to read but telling yourself it's real and important. Or it could be checking a social messenger feed not because it feels like a fun thing to do but out of habit or fear of missing out. Inspiration feels like energy, true enjoyment, resonance or an idea that comes out of nowhere.

I had difficulty processing when my dad told me that he had hamsters as a kid, and they ate their babies and HE decided that they were so horrible they no longer deserved to live. But who decided to put a male and female hamster in too small of tank in the first place? Dad? What about Adam and Eve? Who decided to put THOSE hamsters in too small of a cage? God? Someone better stand up and answer for all this shit.

It's funny how when you give birth, or at some point when you're pregnant, it's no longer your body, or your child, or what YOU gave life to, it's an independent life. But it's not like this transition ever really happens at any point. It's not like the identity "you the separate self" ever really happened either. I now look at the hospital care and education I received as a new mother as a horrific form of abuse, that I appreciate was actually very well intentioned. I was told that I was responsible for preventing sudden infant death syndrome, (which is not even fully understood), and my child had to sleep in a cold, distant, hard box on his back to be safe from SIDS. I ALSO had to breastfeed him for him to be safe from SIDS but, in practice, this distant sleeping in a cold hard box and breastfeeding mix like oil and water. As a new mom with a new baby I sacrificed my own sleep, lived with horrible anxiety and almost lost almost all my own emotional stability to try to abide by these guidelines perfectly. Looking back, my trying to do it right actually was far worse for my kid's health than if I'd listened to my own intuition. The obsession with keeping babies safe and the responsibility laid on mothers for this in our society is becoming pathological. The understanding that to some degree, her comfort, and her happiness directly benefits baby is totally disregarded. We believe that a mother can sacrifice herself for the child and it will be good for baby and society. It's a lot to unravel. It comes from our ideas of responsibility, fear, death and what defines the self.

@AtheisticNonduality What I'm getting at is far less interesting than that. That type of writing is somewhat inspired by this Thich Nhat Hahn poem by the way. Please Call Me By My True Names Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow because even today I still arrive. Look deeply: I arrive in every second to be a bud on a spring branch, to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone. I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry, in order to fear and to hope. The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death of all that are alive. I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river, and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time to eat the mayfly. I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond, and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence, feeds itself on the frog. I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks, and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda. I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate, and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving. I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my hands, and I am the man who has to pay his "debt of blood" to my people, dying slowly in a forced labor camp. My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all walks of life. My pain is like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans. Please call me by my true names, so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once, so I can see that my joy and pain are one. Please call me by my true names, so I can wake up, and so the door of my heart can be left open, the door of compassion. Thich Nhat Hanh

@SilentTears ?Thanks! I Am the male and female, the rid and the flexible, the focused determination and the spontaneous joy. I Am the Protector and the Vulnerable, the ancient rock wall and the little sparrow that momentarily lights upon it. Turn the light around and love what loves. Just zoom out so big picture that you end up right back within the open depths of your own Heart.

#goals