mandyjw

My advice, forget the episode, read this poem. https://www.brookes.ac.uk/poetry-centre/national-poetry-day/thich-nhat-hanh--please-call-me-by-my-true-names/ And this book. https://www.amazon.com/Transparency-Things-Contemplating-Nature-Experience/dp/1626258805/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=rupert+spira+experience&qid=1626778430&sr=8-3

Rupert Spira, The Nature of Consciousness and The Transparency of Things are excellent. His others books are great too, I haven't read them all though.

It's not so much about avoiding what you don't want to take in, but paying attention to what you DO want to take in. It's not that the news is bad, but often we feel bad when we're watching/reading the news but numb ourselves to it because it's so "real" and so "important." The same with people's perspectives or feelings in conversations or on social media. Rather than trying to stop a behavior you want to stop by demonizing it and giving it more resistant thought, give more attention to how doing what you truly enjoy makes you feel. For example maybe you promote your business on Facebook and keep in touch with some people you love, but you find yourself scrolling and often feeling awful while you do but still doing it anyway. The key is consciously enjoying MORE the parts you truly enjoy rather than deleting Facebook, in my opinion. Sometimes however, taking a break from it completely to disrupt a pattern can make this easier when you come back to it. Sometimes finding a more appropriate outlet for yourself is helpful too. For example, I found my Facebook scrolling "problem" far less compelling when I started posting more on this forum, which is a much more satisfying place to have the kind of in-depth focused conversations I was really wanting. Or maybe you really want to read or even write a book, which is even more in depth and focused. This is all in the realm of really discovering what you actually want, which you will not discover if you simply block yourself off from or demonize the current outlet for it that you're not currently finding satisfying. Also make recreation/relaxation intentional and make space for it. Because we don't allow ourselves breaks and entertainment, we often rebel against ourselves and watch 3 hours of unsatisfying entertainment rather than letting ourselves have 20 minutes of intentional enjoyment or something we consciously chose and fully allow ourselves to enjoy. A lot of the things we really want to do we don't make time for, we just go with the flow and end up flowing into scrolling too much or habitually visiting sites that don't actually satisfy. These habits are not the true "flow state" you're wanting. Making to-do lists and want-to-do lists really helps. Try to have a mindset not of being determined to get the whole list done ASAP but instead using it as a tool. Think of your relationship to the lists like this, suggestion is sexy and attractive, demand is not so much, (unless you're into that, I guess. ?‍♂️)

The walls we want to get rid of are the very thing we're trying to defend. delivery devilry delivery (n.) early 15c., "act of setting free from bondage," also "action of handing over to another," from Anglo-French delivrée, noun use of fem. past participle of Old French delivrer (see deliver). Sense of "childbirth, giving forth of offspring" is by 1570s; that of "manner of utterance or enunciation" is from 1660s. Of a blow, throw of a ball, etc., "act of sending or putting forth," from 1702. The hospital's childbirth delivery room is attested by 1849 (in early use often in a German context, translating Kreisszimmer). devil (n.) Old English deofol "a devil, a subordinate evil spirit afflicting humans;" also, in Christian theology, "the Devil, a powerful spirit of evil otherwise known as Satan," from Late Latin diabolus (also the source of Italian diavolo, French diable, Spanish diablo; German Teufel is Old High German tiufal, from Latin via Gothic diabaulus). The Late Latin word is from Ecclesiastical Greek diabolos, which in Jewish and Christian use was "the Devil, Satan," and which in general use meant "accuser, slanderer" (thus it was a scriptural loan-translation of Hebrew satan; see Satan). It is an agent noun from Greek diaballein "to slander, attack," literally "to throw across," from dia "across, through" (see dia-) + ballein "to throw" (from PIE root *gwele- "to throw, reach"). devil/lived deliver, de liver Can't accept what you never rejected.

I don't know what my intention for writing this is, but my dog is always taking my daughter's stuffed animals. It's amazing the mad bird dog skills he has even though we don't hunt. They are trained not to harm the bird, and he does this with my daughter's stuffed animals. He will steal them and terrorize her and me wanting us to chase him and try to take it, and he holds them so firmly yet gingerly in his mouth, his lips curls up and wrinkle out the sides and he'll stare at you with these intense devilish eyes and it's just the most adorable thing. I'm not fast enough to keep up with you, Awareness. I'm dragging behind, like a water-skier who fell on their ass and is just waiting it out for the boat to stop. "Get out ahead of it." -AH ahead of what? My daughter lost my "good" pair of old glasses. I'm wearing the very old pair now that falls off when I bend over sometimes. I've said "Don't do that, stop doing that for like the last 10 things that have come out of my mouth." What DO I want? I want to drop the effort. effort (n.) late 15c., "laborious attempt, strenuous exertion," from French effort, from Old French esforz "force, impetuosity, strength, power," verbal noun from esforcier "force out, exert oneself," from Vulgar Latin *exfortiare "to show strength" (source of Italian sforza), from Latin ex "out" (see ex-) + Latin fortis "strong" (see fort). Effort is working against yourself, using your own strength against itself. You built this fantastic fort and you got trapped inside so you're trying to break down the walls, but the door is open, there is no door. Blah blah deep spiritual insight. Ok 10 things I appreciate about the complete disaster before my eyes. You mean this journal entry? No I mean behind my head, I'm using the mom eyes in back of the head to see how messy the house is behind me. The "mom eyes" might be your problem. I'm practicing gratitude and now my higher italicized self is picking out faults? That's what you just recently gave us permission and even asked us to do. Whose faults are they? 1. I appreciate the fact that if I have the urge to comb my hair there are two hairbrushes and a comb in easy reach all scattered on the floor. Was that appreciating? Shut up. 2. I think you're right, this gratitude practice is utter bullshit. I'm already grateful. Was that appreciating? YES, YES I can't help it, I appreciate nothing to the very depths of my being! Oh, I started this out by truly appreciating something. I wrote that yesterday morning not this morning. It was the appreciating of an obnoxious perhaps undesirable habit in a creature I adore. This reminds me, when I relate to people, I often play in and pretend that I think things are obnoxious when really I love them. I love the way the dog's little smile looks when he steals my daughter's favorite teddy bear. I'm afraid if I really let them know how I feel, they won't understand me. It's almost like how everyone gets excited when something happens in a small town, even if it's bad, an accident, forest fire, everyone hides their excitement, but not very well. Maybe I actually love the complete mess and chaos. Yeah, I do. Somehow I got so busy pretending I was neat and tidy, and non-chaotic, that I convinced myself! convince (v.) 1520s, "to overcome in argument," from Latin convincere "to overcome decisively," from assimilated form of com-, here perhaps an intensive prefix (see com-), + vincere "to conquer" (from nasalized form of PIE root *weik- (3) "to fight, conquer"). Meaning "to firmly persuade or satisfy by argument or evidence" is from c. 1600. Related: Convinced; convincing; convincingly. Again, like effort, a fight against oneself. Ok, so yesterday I had a massage, and ended up examining a pattern of wanting to "hold it together" for the sake of others, and a memory come up and an emotional release. In 3-5 grade I had this teacher and she was so mean and strict. Yet also very intelligent and very willing to correct you. However, she had a complete aversion to messes, especially biological ones. "I don't DO puke." she would say. One day on the morning of our BIG presentations, I was sick. Mom didn't believe me, she thought I was avoiding the presentation. I didn't want people to think this, so it made it even worse, but I was actually sick. Teacher didn't believe me. Eventually, I threw up, in her personal desk trashcan if I remember correctly. I was sicker than I'd ever been for an entire week. This feeling/repression followed me my whole life. Class trip to the city, stomach feeling horrible from stress and weird food. Feeling like I was going to throw up on city streets, seeing the largest city I'd ever seen for the first time, trying to avoid this desperately. This is the last place I can and want to throw up, in front of everyone, inconveniencing everyone. Pattern followed, I got what I didn't want. The Catz deli nervous breakdown or whatever the label is, the only breakdown I've ever had in the most populous, crowded place I've ever been in. If I built my ef-fort well, how come I think I have so much influence on other people's ef-forts and that they have it on mine? Is the suffering actually an intuition that the ef-fort walls are made of façade? No, the suffering is the avoidance of the intuition, the suffering is the ef-fort, the only ef-fort. "My inability to digest this (the beliefs that build walls that were passed down to me ala fucked up telephone game) is my personal failing." I don't eat bananas because I can't digest them without getting horrible stomach aches. But I will eat metaphorical bananas knowingly to be polite. polite (adj.) late 14c., "polished, burnished" (mid-13c. as a surname), from Latin politus "refined, elegant, accomplished," literally "polished," past participle of polire "to polish, to make smooth" (see polish (v.)). "You can't polish a turd." - Geoffrey Stokes I don't like the term monkey mind, but I get an image of a monkey eating bananas to make people happy and then throwing polished turds at the same people through the bars of its cage. The telephone game may seem to be a collective one, but in reality, it's your own thoughts and your openness to receive them. True empowerment is realizing that those walls you so carefully built aren't there and pure reception is also pure rejection.

I got a lot of practice with swearing early on, even though we got indocrinated as kids, my Dad was already really frustrated with Christianity, and was a blue collar worker. So a lot of my religious knowledge came from him explained in truck driver language. Never God's name in vain kind of stuff though. Partly because of this I really don't feel as if I was actually indocrinated, I feel as if I chose those beliefs and perspectives myself. But anyway, a lot of my Christian friends who were raised with more structure and rules than me had that with swearing, my husband still does not swear, ever, ever. My other close friend only started swearing in her late 20's. Sometimes I have an aversion to sitting with good posture so I just lay down and focus on my breath for a few minutes. Amazing how quickly revitalizing it is.

Put your hand on the coffee table. Without thinking "my hand" and "coffee table" but feeling, is the hand/coffee table one sensation or two?

If anything was planted by Voldemort it was the Harry Potter series. Nah.

I know, isn't is AMAZING? You were raised Mormon, right? The level of funny I find blasphemous Jesus jokes now is over the top, I wonder if it will wear away at some point. I used to honestly get really offended. Still considering a dashboard Jesus. Sorry I love that you had a houseplant named Neville, that's the perfect houseplant name if I ever heard one. Yeah, I totally feel the overwhelm of "all the things". I found short breaks of meditation helpful because it seemed to help drop the resistance without finding a distraction to ignore the tasks and mess that pulls me in TOO long and makes it worse, instead it helps set me back on track.

Bahahaha, my no changing means no checking, telephone game misunderstanding. Self actualization, no self, no changing it, no checking. Ohhhh!!!! Burn. Like a moth to the flame.

Ugh, I feel kinda awful. Is that true? I think I will try some spiritual bypassing word play. I feel awe-full. Oh Jesus. Sweet HOLY Jesus. So much taking name in vain after years of avoiding it. Always cheers me up. I'm feeling bad because... (uh oh) I broke my lawn mower. I thought that no changing oil meant no checking oil. Apparently not. Fuck me. (Why does profanity cheer me up so much?) I had to question to get this out of my dad, he wasn't going to tell me at first. How am I supposed to learn if he doesn't tell me it's my fault the mower died? I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, like I have so much going on and don't feel like doing any of it and am failing for it. That "I feel bad" wheel of misfortune mind spinning game is quite popular, isn't it? Huh, I should MAKE one of those. ? Oh wait, I already did that and made a video about it. But it doesn't have an actual spinner. Merch goals. "How am I supposed to learn if I don't know it's my fault?" I feel security in being at fault. If I'm at fault I can control it, I CAN learn in the future. I like being at fault. Fault, a gap. "There's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. " I like being at fault. But I'm never actually there. What happens when someone makes something, and it's really no one's property and everyone else makes something of it too, building on what was before? Is it like a brilliant relay race, building upon scientific knowledge and centuries to create something absolutely beautiful over multiple generations or is it some kind of fucked up telephone game? Connotations would say it's a fucked up telephone game. Sort of like my glasses prescription. That's what the headaches are for. You fucked something up here people! There's been a miscommunication here somewhere. But if I think it's my fault, I grin and bear it. And that's when the telephone game breaks down. I broke the lawn mower through stupid neglect. (etymology of neglect meaning, "not select") My house is a mess, but I'm prioritizing making sure that my lines of communication is clear from Me to Me. mess (n.) c. 1300, "a supply or provision of food for one meal," from Old French mes "portion of food, course at dinner," from Late Latin missus "course at dinner," literally "a placing, a putting (on a table, etc.)," from past participle of mittere "to put, place," in classical Latin "to send, let go" (see mission). For sense evolution, compare early Middle English sonde "a serving of food or drink; a meal or course of a meal," from Old English sond, sand, literally "a sending," the noun form of send (v.). Meaning "a communal eating place" (especially a military one) is attested by 1530s, from the earlier sense of "a company of persons eating together at the same table" (early 15c.), originally a group of four. The sense of "mixed food," especially "mixed food for animals" (1738), probably is what led to the contemptuous colloquial use of mess for "a jumble, a mixed mass" (1828) and the figurative sense of "state of confusion, a situation of disorder" (1834), as well as "condition of untidiness" (1851). Holy. Shit. ? All of language is a fucked up telephone game. It's not language's fault, it's our creation.

Was it a deer tick?

Well, someone got my glasses prescription wrong. Months of feeling like something was wrong with me for not adjusting to them and it turns out it wasn't me. Sort of poetic.

When you love it feels amazing. Is it because you're giving your love away? If you were giving your love away, that wouldn't feel good. No, giving love IS the very receiving of love! There is no giver or receiver in love, no other.

You missed the message. But I'd still bake you some cookies. Pleasure is not inherent in or found in the food, neither is its opposite.

Start small. Look at the way the light reflects off your water glass, look at the sky, start to notice birds, notice the way warm air feels when you're a little cold or cool air feels when you're too hot and revel in it.

So this whole hopeless romantic, devotion, longing with nothing to long for, or something to long for, is just me not loving, telling myself I'm loving. GODDAMN IT! Or rather you're already loving, but telling yourself you're not loving. And THAT is the writer's block. Lover's block? Sandwich makers block?

UGH! Why do I get like this? I can't write what I want when I plan to, but when I have shit I have to do, it just.... feelings. I have to go buy my mother a package of Parmesan cheese and make my husband a sandwich SOURCE. She will be disappointed, Source. Who will be disappointed? Me. A while ago, I unlocked some capability or imagination or whatever spiritual fuckery to fall in love, I mean really, love with places. It just FEELS like there are these specific places which, sometimes seem totally normally and unassuming at times, but channel TO YOU sometimes. There is something left there, some desire, something beyond that. Or something to come, I don't know. Do I love it, or does it love me? From your perspective, you can only love and your love as in verbing love as in giving, is actually ALSO the reception of love. Oh. Ooooo. Oh...

I think this is possibly the most brilliant thing I've ever written about the awakening process. But I didn't find the quote I was looking for. Ugh. Fuck it. I'm here. I'll write something. I want to channel some energy out, I want to write a story. I'm in love. With no one. So deeply. Madly. Passionately. Impossibly. In love. I'm like one of those plasma balls, I just ya know, shoot off random little bolts of energy until someone comes and... NAUGHTY MANDY, NAUGHTY! We used to have one. It broke, smashed, broken glass everywhere. No more plasma. Illusion scattered. "It's ok, we can buy another", I said. But I never did. Where did the energy go? The magic, the spell broken. I talked with my friend last night. Her dad works for the power company. She sent me a photo he sent her of a pole here that was hit by lightning. "You'll never know where it is" and it SO familiar to me, it was right by the trail where... the lightning, the story. This synchronicity. I give myself a gold star sticker. Is impossibly fun, delightful synchronicity God/Mom's sticker chart? ? Why is it so uncomfortable to sit in front of a blank screen with the curser flashing, waiting for you to add words? Why is it so hard to sit in front of a blank canvas? "It's up to me to make it something." Maybe I'm not in love. Maybe I'm not in love with this. What if I don't get my sticker? I want the sicker. I don't give a damn about the sticker. I want the feeling of getting the sticker. What is this hopeless romance, this connection with Source that I've always seemed to have, mixed up with longing. looooonging. Loooooooooonging. I don't know what it's FOR anymore. But there's just this longing. You fucking idiot! You've sat with this your whole life and look. It doesn't need anything from you. Everyone has this prana, they DO channel it. See the beauty in NOT channeling it? Channel or not, duality. Share or not, duality. Love or be loved. Praise or be praised. Teach or be taught. I want to love! I love that I want to love. romance (n.) c. 1300, "a story, written or recited, of the adventures of a knight, hero, etc.," often one designed principally for entertainment. Yup. It's totally hopeless.

If God was looking at you funny, you wouldn't be tortured, but you'd be laughing hysterically.

Mental illness can certainly be linked with suffering, but unless the nature of suffering is deeply understood, labels and comparisons don't do any good but cause the identification which is the holding onto of the unwanted condition and the suffering, not the healing or letting go of it. Our society and materialism is a mental illness from one perspective and certainly fuels suffering, but because it's normal and because we have this belief that a "normal" actually exists, we gloss over this and point to people who are different as our scape goats. Investigating suffering in your own direct experience is the only "out" and the only way to get real insight into anyone else's suffering as well.

I find that affirmations arise from appreciation. You are wise to truly appreciate yourself, because when we do this we automatically appreciate others too. There's nothing more attractive than someone who really "sees" you.

So you're openly experiencing the thoughts that seem like voices, but the thoughts that then say this isn't right, isn't normal, are coming from the "you", and these thoughts believed to be "you" are actually judging the other thoughts as "not you" and fearing the outside otherness of them, and the ramifications that it believes the outside otherness has upon the inside self. You have held beliefs about you and what you should be and these hold up the resistance and the idea of separation, which creates the fear of some outside force having negative influence OR the fear of the inside self being fundamentally corrupted, bad or wrong. There's a very, very strange and counter-intuitive surprise that it's not the object the self judges as bad or not wanted but the thought/attitude of judgement itself (coming from sense of separation) that is not wanted. For example, in this case your hearing voices is not the problem, the thought that says "that's a problem!" is actually the very creation OF the problem itself. The pointing out of the problem IS the problem. (Even this statement is wrong, it's also inherently, not a problem.) The pointing OUT of something is NEVER the awareness itself, but is an imposter upon and of awareness. But, but, BUT, it can prompt you to actually bring actual awareness to it. See how crazy, amazingly tricky and beautiful that is? It's stunning. Meditation, understanding the relationship between beliefs/thoughts and feeling, letting go of thoughts that feel bad and instead paying attention to how they feel. Understanding that feeling itself is a better indicator of truth than what the thoughts dictate. All these methods cycle, build on each other and ultimately dissolve into one. ? ❤ All this spiritual "knowledge" is pretty much marked by that "oddly comforting" feeling. And it seems to come OUT of it too.

If I discover that my dog chewed my favorite shoes, "I" can't accept it. But my eyes see plainly, my shoes are on the floor in pieces. I have already accepted it, but "I" have not accepted that I have accepted it, "I'm" in the past, thinking about what should have been or what "I" want to be.

Not directly, it's an indicator of distrusting thoughts and beliefs. If you misunderstand what you are and what flaws you and others have in general any information you receive is going to be twisted and misinterpreted. A typically considered "sane" person is not conscious of the fact that they receive their thoughts, that they aren't in control of them, they don't think them. This is essentially what "hearing voices" is, it's just an awareness of the fact that you aren't thinking the thoughts, that the you is another thought, there's just pure reception. It's opens you up to possibilities of receiving information you would not otherwise be able to access.