mandyjw

Mother Earth says, enough, your gestation is over, get the fuck out. Consciously lying of the truth is called art and creation.

@Holygrail Don't ask why, ask how.

Do you believe that "meaningless" has a meaning? It doesn't, that's just a connotation you're imposing, a meaning. A high level of consciousness is truly meaningless, it's liberation of any limitations that having a high level of consciousness would impose.

All cause your Mom read and talked to you when you were a kid. That BITCH! There is such a thing as channeling, and it starts as the awareness that you are not thinking the thoughts you are aware of. You can see the similarity to meditation when you're told "these are clouds, they aren't you, you are the sky". Only, rather than sitting and being aware of clouds, with channeling they are usually being expressed, sometimes powerfully and prolifically when the resistance to it is dropped. Sometimes we channel, and sometimes when there is a lot of resistance it acts as repression, intrusive thoughts or if religious devilish or demonic influence. Or, in enlightenment circles you just swap the story of the demon or devil for the story of ego. It is only ever our own resistance. You know how a lot of websites ask for your permission to send notifications? Because you are the creator of the website you don't need permission, but also you do. So you may receive notifications anyway, but if you're thinking they are spam, or a computer virus you miss the message. It's not the message it's your interpretation of the message. An unread message is already interpreted or "read" as trash. Sometimes the resistance is just an unwillingness to really look at and really "see" the message.

You aren't two, so there's no "good you" or "real you" and a "bad you" (ego, the devil) or "false you". The boogeyman is you. You are what you're afraid of. You are the monster under the bed. On a psychological comfort level you've been sleeping on the hard floor amidst dirty socks and dust bunnies all your life, when you could have been sleeping in a nice warm soft bed.

Yeah, too far. There's open mindedness and then there's, "I really pride myself in having an open mind."

You're creating more conflict with yourself over trying to do the right thing on two levels, financially, morally and with the self esteem question thrown in there. What's the path of least resistance? We usually have to find the inner path of least resistance before the outer action path becomes clear to us.

Well, the universe only ever expands. ?‍♀️

@LastThursday The ego's food is only itself, so no need to worry about feeding it.

OH!!!! Oh. Oh. So you're saying... everyone within them has the same potential to... You are programed to awaken. You are beyond the programming and the awakening and the person. How else could it be? Do you want to live amongst already awakened people or to awaken them? Both. How else could it be? I Am the master of having my cake and eating it too. I can have my cake and eat it too. I want to drop the angst. What do I want instead? This is no instead. Just stead. Stay with the current. The current of the river is exactly now, currently.

angst (n.) 1944, from a specialized use in psychology of German Angst "neurotic fear, anxiety, guilt, remorse," from Old High German angust, from Proto-Germanic *angustu-(source also of Old Frisian ongost, Old High German angust, Middle Dutch ancst "fear," also Old English enge, Old Saxon engi, Gothic aggwus "narrow"), from PIE *anghosti-, suffixed form of root *angh- "tight, painfully constricted, painful." Compare anger. I seem to have mistook angst and longing for love. The joke's on me. It is that too. If only I could take life seriously for 12 hours. I think the world might end. When did it begin? "I" am deeply, authentically passionate and also totally ridiculous. Like an 80's song. I'm the only one here rick rolling myself. Solipsism. Oh fuck off. But you just said you were never gonna give me up? ARGGHHHH!!!!

@AtheisticNonduality Oh yes. Last night's angsty non-sensical journal entry. I could just delete it but... meh. I must be true to the angst. I don't want to be it. A slave is one who waits for someone to come and free him. -Ezra Pound The Rapunzel rock. What are you doing? I'm not God, I don't have a plan. I think I want to diffuse this. THIS PASSION. I think I want it gone. I think I want to, ya know. Not really. diffuse (v.) 1520s (transitive), "to pour out and spread, cause to flow and spread;" 1650s (intransitive), "spread abroad, scatter in all directions;" from Latin diffusus, past participle of diffundere "to pour out or away," from dis- "apart, in every direction" (see dis-) + fundere "to pour" (from nasalized form of PIE root *gheu- "to pour"). So the big bang never happened. So nothing is diffused. Or confused. Or refused. Or used. Or abused. You're still looking within the story. The character can't write herself out of what she doesn't want to be in. Only the author writes. Write the story. I've given you action. I've given you no action. They aren't separate. What more do you want? I think I want to not want, but this is impossible. I want to want. Are you telling me... I STILL DON'T GET LAW OF ATTRACTION? "No one" gets law of attraction. I am passionately, madly, deeply in love, with no one at all. This can't go anywhere.

Who, me? Your teacher starred in the Matrix films! That's too awesome.

Also, wanted to say for the men here, (I heard Teal Swan say this in a video and so agreed), BE a partner who is not squeamish or embarrassed about such things. Super important, sexy and there's a lot of healing potential right there.

You're making a conflict and separation where there is none. I mean sure, you can look at survival as dog eat dog and yeah, it's been that way, sometimes much more than others, otherwise the Earth would be in far better shape and we wouldn't have Holocaust memorials. There is a transcendent, magical, wholistic way to survive that is beyond concern of life or death but yet always tends to life, and if it didn't work so DAMN well you and I already wouldn't be here anyway. I have zero interest surviving if everyone and everything gets all dog eat dog. Always felt this way. It's like those preppers who store 2000 cans of beans for the apocalypses. I'm not doing that, kill me now. I mean, you're ALREADY putting well being and happiness ahead of care of whether you live or die, and the world is too for the most part.

I'm not sure this works out, I think good literature transcends all stages. Like try doing this for The Scarlet Letter, obviously it's about stage blue, but it's far more transcendent than to stage orange.

I went from having cramps so bad I would sometimes puke from the pain and have to combine ibuprofen and Tylenol to get relief to having almost no pain. I think pregnancy helps a lot too but I'm not suggesting that. Avoiding dairy and eating less meat, especially avoiding low quality meat and red meat is helpful. Cutting dairy in particular seems to be a huge help but you can go further. Sardines, wild caught salmon, fish oils may be beneficial. In general eat as healthy and clean as you can, more veggies and fruits, less processed foods and sugar. Make sure the fat you eat is high quality from healthy sources, avoid fried stuff. I do ok with grassfed butter. Manage stress. There's a strong link between stress and period pain. Meditation, exercise, spiritual practices, yoga, journaling, dancing, massage. Take time to rest. Know that from PMS onward you are going on an inward, spiritual journey of sorts and stuff will come up so you can see, deal, feel and purge a lot that isn't working for you anymore. Sometimes this happens for anyone no matter if they have cycles or where they are in their cycle, but it frequently coincides with the menstrual cycle. Some cycles this is an intense process, others are barely noticeable. If you resist this process which is actually a gift, it will manifest in physical pain. True for everyone, but period cramps are like the canary in the coal mine.

No, it's the acceptance of the causes of suffering (belief in them) that is truly not true acceptance at all, that is the suffering. Some people are so disgusted they won't hear them (I remember feeling this way about Eckhart Tolle when I was 19) and others try to exploit the understanding which only results in suffering. We all do, really in some way, that's how we learn. I discovered them around the same time my Grandmother died and I was going through a really challenging period in my life. She essentially teaches how to emotionally embody nonduality. Her key insight for losing someone you love is, "look for the person you lost where they are not where they are not" and a few other insights hit me like lightning at that time. I also was able to connect with the intuition I'd always had but demonized for so long. The winter I discovered her, my kitchen sink drain clogged, and since my Grandmother was dying and no one could get care for he my entire family was helping and I was isolated with no help with my toddler and autistic son. My dog was dying and occasionally making massive messes in the house. I hired a plumber, and had a few other people try to fix the sink drain. No one could. My life was a mess, a literal freaking mess. Having a kitchen sink drain is really important. I tried to will it into being using law of attraction. I tired so hard to focus my head hurt. Nope. My life was such a disaster, but something really bright, transcending all that was calling me in a much clearer, deeper way than ever. That winter/early Spring I had an awakening, and several mystical experiences starting with the night my Grandmother died and connecting with her in such a profound way. It was like it all magically worked its way out and through and around the chaos of my life. Still, however, the kitchen sink drain was clogged. I literally got everything but the kitchen sink. So many psychological blockages and beliefs came loose and came crashing down all around me. The world feels like a truly magical, enchanted place, and I know and feel in my heart that I'm not separate from that. Synchronicity and insights keep sweeping me off my feet. Spring comes, the drain is clearly not frozen and I hire someone to dig up the entire length of plumbing in the back yard with an excavator and fix it. That morning I listen to a song with the lyrics "lightning in a bottle". They dig up an antique glass jar with "Lightning" printed on it. I ask him to dig my dog a grave under the apple tree in the back yard, because I've decided finally to have him put to sleep later that week. He does, they leave. I finally have a kitchen sink that works, weeks, months later. The next morning my dog dies peacefully on his own, early before the kids can wake up and find him, as if he'd planned it that way the entire time for my convenience. Law of Attraction is the focusing on what you DO want, focusing on what you do have and finding the feeling place of fulfillment and awe in it, without denying bigger dreams, without believing so much in time and limitations and "what is"... that is really the non resistant state that we all came here for. Love feels like love, and it is unconditional. It's essentially all about not settling (believing) anything less than that.

I spent a long time trying to find a particular grave and didn't until the next day after I'd given up. I'm standing by it, but I fell in love with the oak tree. I ended up finding a geocache in it. The best thing about cemeteries are the trees. I sent my friend these pictures and she pointed out the creepy shadow in this photo and said she couldn't look at it, but figured I knew it was there because I sent a closeup. I only sent the closeup because there were mushrooms growing in the tree. Source is so innocent, it's evil spelled backwards.

I mean which is it, is it important to measure and maintain your consciousness OR is it pointless? Joy is what happens when there's no one looking back trying to measure their own consciousness or striving to keep it. There aren't two, one that can know how the other is doing. Let that go and lighten up a bit. Your earnestness and dedication will certainly not be wasted or lost. Also maybe check out Abraham Hicks.

Might help to let go of the idea that you "did" self love in the past. Love is only now and there's nothing we can do about it.

Oh.... my Dad always so desperately cared what others thought of him, that he'd always take on anything, work himself to death to please. He would work for free, enlist us to help, anything. Both my parents had this sort of feminine neurosis that we needed to please and care for everyone. They'd get calls in the night to bring this random old guy from town who was estranged from his family to the hospital and they'd take him. After he died, they'd still buy flowers for his grave. Dad would fix anything for anyone who needed it, for little to nothing. I never had a father or male role model in this way. I had the most wonderful, kind, good, honest, loving, emotionally available parents, I feel so lucky, I'd never go back and choose anyone else, but... we're all on our own in some way. And he handed the baby off to me.

Last night I dreamed that I was in a waiting room waiting for an appointment that never came, and my dad was there waiting for an appointment and he was in care of a little toddler who reeked of pee and a newborn as a favor to some random people. Eventually the parents of the toddler came and took her, but he passed the newborn to me and then no one came for it and no one would help or take any responsibility. I was so mad. I knew she'd been abandoned and knew I'd have to raise her. I yelled at people, but no one cared. I sat to mediate and my daughter came down, reeking of pee, she had peed in her bed last night. I had to stop mediating and put her in the tub, but when I went back and sat for the last four minutes I felt a deeper more connected peace than before I was disturbed. I feel very bothered, and don't want to use the word "traumatized" by motherhood. And it's such an inappropriate subject to talk about. For the past few years I've been so wanting to just avoid the whole subject, put on the smiling face and focus on other subjects. No one cares. No one wants to talk about that. I don't know anyone else with kids and the people I know are too distracted by the kids to have a real conversation about what's going on. I went through the pandemic like this, "sure I can take on the extra thing, sure this is fine." In reality, I'm so sick and fucking tired of not being able to focus for a few hours straight, of never getting good rest when I need it in the day, and feeling guilt when I do get the chance because I inconvenienced someone else, so I better fucking make it good or worthwhile when I do (another layer of stress). But I know. I'll always be a mother. The kids will grow up, and I'll always have commitments. I've always been an intensely, naturally committed person, why the fear of them now? Why the complete disgust in them? "I've always been..." I feel that this is about to lift. I've scheduled my first retreat. Both my kids will be going to school full time in a few weeks. Am I afraid someone will hand me another symbolic baby? Maybe not the human kind? I don't want to commit to writing. I don't want to commit to teaching. I want to love. commit (v.) late 14c., "to give in charge, entrust," from Latin committere "to unite, connect, combine; to bring together," from com "with, together" (see com-) + mittere "to release, let go; send, throw" (see mission). The evolution of the modern range of meanings in English is not entirely clear. Sense of "to perpetrate (a crime), do, perform (especially something reprehensible)" was ancient in Latin; in English it is attested from mid-15c. Meaning "consign (someone) to custody (of prison, a mental institution, etc.) by official warrant" is from early 15c. From 1530s as "trust (oneself) completely to;" from 1770 as "put or bring into danger by an irrevocable preliminary act." The intransitive use (in place of commit oneself) first recorded 1982, probably influenced by existentialism use (1948) of commitment to translate Sartre's engagement "emotional and moral engagement." https://www.etymonline.com/word/commit

It's what... I think...

You are a thought. God is a thought. You love thinking but can you think love? In love there is no self or other. In thought there is self and other. You love thinking, but can you think love?