mandyjw

Forum text is glitching out, so hopefully a new entry works. The fuckery is right there in the thought. Right there. Like right, there. There is no there. And THAT is the fuckery! Write there. There. <----- THAT is the fuckery. Wow. I see why you're in such a good mood all the time. I got a birds eye view from rock bottom. I scares me how much fun it is to write out conversations, with MYSELF! This is crazy. A bird's eye view from rock bottom. Rock bottom was a judgement that keeps you going higher, and higher, and higher. Ok, write. That's what I wanted to talk about. Wait no, something else first. I've always been shitting on my right brain. Embarrassed of it. Your write brain? Do you have a left and a write? Which side of the brain points and says, "that's not me, that's the other me". Ironic for YOU to ask me that. No, not really. Ok, so higher. There's an opioid crisis. People are dying to get high. No one knows how to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with this, but at the same time, I really, really do. I don't know how to disentangle responsibility with love. That sounds like a write brain, left brain problem. Yeah, we just established that it's not a problem, it's me and me.

I know all the secrets of the universe. I have uncovered some pretty big fuckin' things. The illuminati is a cosmic joke. I know all. You sound like Charles Manson. Thanks, I am creeping myself out right now. Here we go, down the creepy spiral. I've done this how many times now? Is this three? Sometimes you just KEEP coming back to that carnival ride till you puke your guts up. Jesus Christ, that's a creepy song in context that Manson wrote it. And it's the fuckin' BEACH BOYS! Ooooooohhh.... It's the flip side of narcissism, messiah complex. It's pure, raw fear, and its... You cannot have fear without demonization. You can't "do" fear without bad or bad without fear. Charles Manson said something just like that. Talk about death of the fantasy that I was good. Nothing works like this author analogy. Good is good and bad is bad again, but you see how you are creating it and ultimately it's not there. The bad guy isn't good, but he is your creation. Your moralization comes from fear, I must control the bad, to be safe. Bad is what makes me feel unsafe. Which is why the 50 Shades of Grey, and Vampire romances, is not just a turn on for women, it's healing. All turn ons are healing. Manson offered healing to those women but if you turn someone into a Vampire, without telling them vampires aren't actually fuckin real, that's probably because you still think you're real. special. Ok, ok. Going back to the flawed perspective I started with, new variant this time. So here are all these heroin addictions. My entire coming to the forum and the disgust with drugs, I mean, I thought I had rid myself of judgement but it was still there. You can't think yourself to be free of judgement. That's a judgement.

Hrrrmph discontentment. Really? No, I don't know what the fucks going on anymore. I know all of this is perspective, it's not really happening. But if I I tell myself that, I gaslight myself, and I feel the dissonance. I feel like something is chasing me, or I feel like I've been running from something, this deep unsettled feeling that I really don't know, (I wrote know initially) that I KNOW that I feel deeply unsettled and can't get a grasp on life. Like Jim Newman says, "Nobody knows that". How fucking SIMPLE, how fucking STUPID! I think I've been running from something really wonderful. All signs point to this. One of the things I accidently got right was to find my own stupidity funny. I didn't realize this was prior to intelligence.

Why do I do things I don't want to be doing? Why do I read things I don't want to be reading? Why do I think things I don't want to be thinking? Why do I? Don't ask why, ask how. do I? I want more peace and mind and greater clarity. I DEMAND IT! It is my birthright. Greater? Implying right now isn't enough? Yes, I've been reading about covid, annoyed with my kids and not motivated enough. Oh really? I thought we were journaling. Well yes. What are you worried about having happen? School not start, and get canceled. Because then I won't be able to get focused work in, and I'll feel crappy. Like right now? Exactly! Oh, you powerful creator, you. Yes, very often I have my head up my ass, strange loop fashion. When life goes to shit, it's a matter of perspective. Ok, so inlaws not coming to the house, probably. So I don't have to clean. I do need to charge the phone before I leave, so 2% power, nice! Super pissed that I got the wrong size shoes for both kids, like how did that happen? If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. I don't know if I love you or hate you. If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Oh come on! Can't this just be an unfortunate stupid event? Does everything have be transmuted to gold? If the shoe doesn't fit you can't wear it. Why? Every time? All that glitters is gold.

Fundamentalists just wanna have fun.

I want, I don't want, I want, I don't want, I WANT, I DON'T WANT. What do you want?

This is not actuality, it's self protection that's doing such a bad job, it hurts. You don't need to be understood. We sometimes feel we need to be appreciated to appreciate but it's not so. We love bluntness when we agree, or when it's cutting through some ridiculously bulky unnecessary armor we wanted to take off anyway. We don't love it when we're not ready for that. Side note, I used to be a fundy Christian by the way.

@Gesundheit2 GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN.

Now I realize everyone is my kid. It's a little overwhelming sometimes, but no more than back when I thought I only had two.

I've never done drugs or been drunk, but passed out three times due to pain, shock and subsequent overreaction. It's just really really peaceful and then the second shock of waking up to some sort of reality in which now everyone else was overreacting. I've had dream activity every time. Actually, the last time I was having a fight with my dad who had been drinking too much, accidently slammed my finger in the door, passed out, he didn't care so no one woke me up. I got to observe the transitions that time. It's basically a fantastic clear opportunity to observe the transition to a sleep state and waking state, happens really quickly, which you can train yourself to do consciously. Check out yoga nidra. Unlike death, with passing out you're just falling back on brain waves that happen while sleeping. Death would be utter nonresistance, no safety net, and no floor to hit. However when you learn that resistance is fun, it's no longer resistance, you get a free pass to create and life will always trump death, because there is none.

Suffering.

@Natasha OMG, the goddess in the orange.

It's already even more fantastic and hilarious than that. YOU are Justin Bieber.

Are you living through a perspective? Now?

“It is a curious subject of observation and inquiry, whether hatred and love be not the same thing at bottom. Each, in its utmost development, supposes a high degree of intimacy and heart-knowledge; each renders one individual dependent for the food of his affections and spiritual life upon another; each leaves the passionate lover, or the no less passionate hater, forlorn and desolate by the withdrawal of his object.” “It is to the credit of human nature, that, except where its selfishness is brought into play, it loves more readily than it hates. Hatred, by a gradual and quiet process, will even be transformed to love, unless the change be impeded by a continually new irritation of the original feeling of hostility.” ― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

Oh wait, Justin Bieber is here, and he's enlightened! Ok, forget what I just said.

A self has value to a self as long as it's a self, other than that it's loved/seen as its Self.

Regular massages, swimming, running, meditation, laying down meditation copse pose, yin yoga, stretching, yoga, dancing, sex, deep breathing, expressive writing, talking to someone, singing, listening to music, art, time in nature, anything that gives you pleasure or makes you happy,

You can be anyone you want to be, because you aren't a character, you're the author. There really isn't a you at all.

You're doing what they are doing, worrying about others awakening. This is the nature of thought, to forget that the finger pointing always goes back to itself. There are no straight lines in the universe.

@Zigzag Idiot ❤?

Fighting with myself this morning, feeling unfocused. If I give myself an actual rest, I think maybe I'll do better rather than resisting the rest. I know what I need but I don't want to do it. I accidently monogrammed the wrong thing. I can get so focused on my business that I get that plate spinning so fast, I'm wowed and then the thing falls, crashes and breaks. I'm so fucking bored with it. I used it as a means of securing extra wealth and knowing what I should be doing with my time. I had fear based motivation and security I found in it. Now I'm free of that. Complaining about my blessedness. I'm so frustrated with this forum sometimes. People are so averse to fucking off, that they literally do nothing but. If you will be honest, if you will be playful, if you really sit with something and look at it in a new light, there's a kind of synchronicity and understanding that will take you off at the knees. Child's play. Again, complaining about my blessedness. Here's last night's obscene blasphemous ramblings.... God damn. I'm a Christian. I shouldn't have listened to that sermon. This is unacceptable! I walked the Roman's road. I outdid my Daddy and saved all these souls. I sang beautifully in church and I fucked the Preacher after my husband died in a car accident. I flew in to save my own Church on a private jet after the fact, after I confessed that I had fucked the preacher in the lady's prayer group. I went on to preach after the fact. I split the church. I have no shame. I am the great Reverend Jerry Falwell. I rise and I fall well. I am a Pentecostal teenage girl who stood up and channeled in that church... in a man's voice. I am the story that came out and I settled in the fearful imagination of another girl, like the demon she feared it was and I grew and grew until a story burst out. Live with Abandon. Damn, that's so perfectly synchronistic. Of course Jesus died to sins, he forgave all sins. Wasn't even thinking about it.

@Someone here You're allowed to ask for whatever you want, but if you're asking questions constantly without stopping to openly listen for an answer, no answer will be heard.

@Someone here You're dogmatizing nonduality. It's not MORE guidelines it's the falling away of them, the freedom of them. You can still have your cake and eat it too, you can still have your Big Sky Daddy and... that doesn't sound right, never mind. (Although, for the Christians, that is what Jesus meant when he spoke about communion.) There are sources of guidance all around, but you have to receive them. I have experienced absolutely bizarre forms of guidance since understanding and feeling into this stuff. I've had things that have made me feel so seen, so watched over and so loved, I can't describe it. But when I go to attribute a single separate source of this, it falls apart.