mandyjw

Why do I do things I don't want to be doing? Why do I read things I don't want to be reading? Why do I think things I don't want to be thinking? Why do I? Don't ask why, ask how. do I? I want more peace and mind and greater clarity. I DEMAND IT! It is my birthright. Greater? Implying right now isn't enough? Yes, I've been reading about covid, annoyed with my kids and not motivated enough. Oh really? I thought we were journaling. Well yes. What are you worried about having happen? School not start, and get canceled. Because then I won't be able to get focused work in, and I'll feel crappy. Like right now? Exactly! Oh, you powerful creator, you. Yes, very often I have my head up my ass, strange loop fashion. When life goes to shit, it's a matter of perspective. Ok, so inlaws not coming to the house, probably. So I don't have to clean. I do need to charge the phone before I leave, so 2% power, nice! Super pissed that I got the wrong size shoes for both kids, like how did that happen? If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. I don't know if I love you or hate you. If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Oh come on! Can't this just be an unfortunate stupid event? Does everything have be transmuted to gold? If the shoe doesn't fit you can't wear it. Why? Every time? All that glitters is gold.

Fundamentalists just wanna have fun.

I want, I don't want, I want, I don't want, I WANT, I DON'T WANT. What do you want?

This is not actuality, it's self protection that's doing such a bad job, it hurts. You don't need to be understood. We sometimes feel we need to be appreciated to appreciate but it's not so. We love bluntness when we agree, or when it's cutting through some ridiculously bulky unnecessary armor we wanted to take off anyway. We don't love it when we're not ready for that. Side note, I used to be a fundy Christian by the way.

@Gesundheit2 GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN.

Now I realize everyone is my kid. It's a little overwhelming sometimes, but no more than back when I thought I only had two.

I've never done drugs or been drunk, but passed out three times due to pain, shock and subsequent overreaction. It's just really really peaceful and then the second shock of waking up to some sort of reality in which now everyone else was overreacting. I've had dream activity every time. Actually, the last time I was having a fight with my dad who had been drinking too much, accidently slammed my finger in the door, passed out, he didn't care so no one woke me up. I got to observe the transitions that time. It's basically a fantastic clear opportunity to observe the transition to a sleep state and waking state, happens really quickly, which you can train yourself to do consciously. Check out yoga nidra. Unlike death, with passing out you're just falling back on brain waves that happen while sleeping. Death would be utter nonresistance, no safety net, and no floor to hit. However when you learn that resistance is fun, it's no longer resistance, you get a free pass to create and life will always trump death, because there is none.

Suffering.

@Natasha OMG, the goddess in the orange.

It's already even more fantastic and hilarious than that. YOU are Justin Bieber.

Are you living through a perspective? Now?

“It is a curious subject of observation and inquiry, whether hatred and love be not the same thing at bottom. Each, in its utmost development, supposes a high degree of intimacy and heart-knowledge; each renders one individual dependent for the food of his affections and spiritual life upon another; each leaves the passionate lover, or the no less passionate hater, forlorn and desolate by the withdrawal of his object.” “It is to the credit of human nature, that, except where its selfishness is brought into play, it loves more readily than it hates. Hatred, by a gradual and quiet process, will even be transformed to love, unless the change be impeded by a continually new irritation of the original feeling of hostility.” ― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

Oh wait, Justin Bieber is here, and he's enlightened! Ok, forget what I just said.

A self has value to a self as long as it's a self, other than that it's loved/seen as its Self.

Regular massages, swimming, running, meditation, laying down meditation copse pose, yin yoga, stretching, yoga, dancing, sex, deep breathing, expressive writing, talking to someone, singing, listening to music, art, time in nature, anything that gives you pleasure or makes you happy,

You can be anyone you want to be, because you aren't a character, you're the author. There really isn't a you at all.

You're doing what they are doing, worrying about others awakening. This is the nature of thought, to forget that the finger pointing always goes back to itself. There are no straight lines in the universe.

@Zigzag Idiot ❤?

Fighting with myself this morning, feeling unfocused. If I give myself an actual rest, I think maybe I'll do better rather than resisting the rest. I know what I need but I don't want to do it. I accidently monogrammed the wrong thing. I can get so focused on my business that I get that plate spinning so fast, I'm wowed and then the thing falls, crashes and breaks. I'm so fucking bored with it. I used it as a means of securing extra wealth and knowing what I should be doing with my time. I had fear based motivation and security I found in it. Now I'm free of that. Complaining about my blessedness. I'm so frustrated with this forum sometimes. People are so averse to fucking off, that they literally do nothing but. If you will be honest, if you will be playful, if you really sit with something and look at it in a new light, there's a kind of synchronicity and understanding that will take you off at the knees. Child's play. Again, complaining about my blessedness. Here's last night's obscene blasphemous ramblings.... God damn. I'm a Christian. I shouldn't have listened to that sermon. This is unacceptable! I walked the Roman's road. I outdid my Daddy and saved all these souls. I sang beautifully in church and I fucked the Preacher after my husband died in a car accident. I flew in to save my own Church on a private jet after the fact, after I confessed that I had fucked the preacher in the lady's prayer group. I went on to preach after the fact. I split the church. I have no shame. I am the great Reverend Jerry Falwell. I rise and I fall well. I am a Pentecostal teenage girl who stood up and channeled in that church... in a man's voice. I am the story that came out and I settled in the fearful imagination of another girl, like the demon she feared it was and I grew and grew until a story burst out. Live with Abandon. Damn, that's so perfectly synchronistic. Of course Jesus died to sins, he forgave all sins. Wasn't even thinking about it.

@Someone here You're allowed to ask for whatever you want, but if you're asking questions constantly without stopping to openly listen for an answer, no answer will be heard.

@Someone here You're dogmatizing nonduality. It's not MORE guidelines it's the falling away of them, the freedom of them. You can still have your cake and eat it too, you can still have your Big Sky Daddy and... that doesn't sound right, never mind. (Although, for the Christians, that is what Jesus meant when he spoke about communion.) There are sources of guidance all around, but you have to receive them. I have experienced absolutely bizarre forms of guidance since understanding and feeling into this stuff. I've had things that have made me feel so seen, so watched over and so loved, I can't describe it. But when I go to attribute a single separate source of this, it falls apart.

I would just go ahead and do it if it feels good to you. Maybe your attitude and expectations change. So what if God isn't separate from you? Non-separation is not a limitation, in fact it's exactly why prayer feels good. If you're conforming your actions to try to abide by the 'right' understanding, you're wasting your efforts in trying to avoid a wrong way of going about it that just isn't there.

Ok, so the resistance to the depression caused the depression? Yes. You never questioned it. You never questioned the continuing factor. You always gave reality to depression in very the resistance of it. So my hatred, dread of winter? Is this the same? Future, current, past. I is the continuum. So I am free to have preferences for the past and future. I think I didn't know that I could rest, I thought I had no where to rest, I didn't realize that I could rest everywhere because I am no where. You are a veritable ghost. A free pass. Ok, what about other people? What about the two specific teachers I'm thinking of right now that have been so disappointing? If you can't give them a free pass, you aren't giving yourself a free pass, to create what you came to create. If you want to liberate, be liberated. Let he who is without sin be the first to throw a stone. Sin is sincere, according to Marilyn Manson. How right he is. So how do I know I'm ready to coach others? When you realize what you have to offer. Nothing? Nothing is the only "thing" that lasts forever. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."-Jesus Reminds me of the Gas Light, screen play. If you know where your true treasure lies, no one can cause you to doubt yourself in an attempt to steal it from you. In your forgetting, you doubt yourself, you steal from yourself. Is it ok...? If this takes time to sink in? It's a lot. I've given you everything, I've given my life to you, even when I thought I was being selfish. I realize, I know it's like that ring I left on Dr. P's grave for the crows. It's like the perfume spilled for Jesus. There is no greater joy in a senseless offering, no greater love or beauty. I am a senseless offering. To love, from love, for love, worthy of love. That's what he became as well. On the cross, blood shed for all, they were right the entire time, Jesus died for you. The salvation was never a lie. The Good news was always True. The only lies were the parts that felt off. The guilt, the shame, the sacrifice, that anything was required for you. Why do I keep coming back here, to Him? He is the upmost of what you aspired to be. To speak, to teach, to heal, to liberate without fear, with utter disregard to the consequence. Jesus on the cross, the ring on the poison nightshade plant, your very life. It means nothing, it means nothing so perfectly, so consciously, so out Love, that is is the utter sacrifice/gift that is everything. Damn. I feel like my soul was just cleansed or something. Yeah, that's how it works, without the "damn" part. It just struck me that sacrifice and indulgence are the same. indulgence (n.) mid-14c., in the Church sense, "a freeing from temporal punishment for sin, remission from punishment for sin that remains due after absolution," from Old French indulgence or directly from Latin indulgentia "complaisance, a yielding; fondness, tenderness, affection; remission," from indulgentem (nominative indulgens) "indulgent, kind, tender, fond," present participle of indulgere "be kind; yield, concede, be complaisant; give oneself up to, be addicted," a word of uncertain origin. It is evidently a compound, and the second element appears to be from PIE root *dlegh- "to engage oneself, be or become fixed." The first element could be in- "in" for a sense of "let someone be engaged" in something, or in- "not" for a total sense of "not be hard toward" someone.https://www.etymonline.com/word/indulgence sacrifice (n.) late 13c., "offering of something (especially a life) to a deity as an act of propitiation or homage;" mid-14c., "that which is offered in sacrifice," from Old French sacrifise "sacrifice, offering" (12c.), from Latin sacrificium, from sacrificus "performing priestly functions or sacrifices," from sacra "sacred rites" (properly neuter plural of sacer "sacred;" see sacred) + combining form of facere "to make, to do" (from PIE root *dhe- "to set, put"). Yes, yes, YES< YES< YES!!!!

It cannot be outside it.