mandyjw

Now I'm comparing myself to Zigzag (who is not an idiot). Sitting here in self judgment of this crazy insane journal, that I tried to lay by the wayside but the forum data loss and other circumstances brought back to life. I particularly remember this entry, because of the way I parenthesized and wrote out the self judgement. The fury with which I wrote that and how it just lifted. Stream of consciousness writing. Whew! I came to this journal to write a realization, I already AM a heinous bitch. I ALREADY choose Source over trying to be nice. Like the masculine behavior that I don't like and feel inferior to that I journaled about above (and Beth, that fucking BITCH! She never even called me back.) And it's ok. Damn it, is Beth gonna call me now that I cleaned up this vibration around her? I mean, I don't want to talk to her, and I also don't want her to ignore my message. We are FUCKED EITHER WAY. (Unconditionally Loved)

@Zigzag Idiot For sure, I've found that what I want to do and have no resistance to I will (at my worst) deem bad or unworthy of my time, and what I don't want to be doing and see others doing turns into some other should or failing that I'm not doing it. We're so bad to ourselves. Perhaps you would want to start a blog someday? Just an idea. I've found your knowledge and familiarity with teachers and practices very unique and helpful. Your journal has a lot to offer.

Yeah. Living in a rural area and having shy, reclusive parents sort of set me up on the wrong foot and I didn't make an effort to balance it out until later in life. Feeling like I didn't have a right to be there or exist, feeling it was my fault if I inconvenienced someone just by being there. Avoiding social or driving situations where I would be part of a line or hold people up. I've still never used an ATM machine, been to a real concert or done a lot of basic stuff like that. There have certainly been times that I have reeeeally reeeeally felt worthy of being right where I was. If I'm inspired and doing what I want to be doing, I don't feel this way at all, so realizing that and tapping into that helps. Other times, it's letting go of the thoughts blaming myself for what others are feeling. Rather than putting my own feeling first, I accept my own THOUGHT or what I think they might be feeling. Doing this is really just my own thought trying to get a jump on an insult that it thinks it wouldn't be able to take if it came. Makes about as much sense as hitting your thumb with a hammer before going out and using it to build with, so that if you accidently do, it won't be as much of a shock. There's an intelligent way to inoculate yourself against insult, self inquiry, contemplation, meditation, etc. And then there's that. I've found meditation, journaling and listening to lots of Abraham Hicks recordings to be very helpful with this kinda thing.

@Esilda I started the channel years ago before it evolved into what it is. Just really wanted to express my thoughts and share. That urge has always been with me, I love deep conversations and making people question things. I went back and forth between writing and videos for a while. I started out the channel talking about minimalism and financial independence topics but what I really wanted to talk about underlying those topics was spirituality, so then it evolved into spirituality. Once I directly decided to focus there, so many things seemed to fall into place. I honestly enjoy making the videos, and they improve my understanding when I focus on subject or work to explain something to others, it deepens and changes my own understanding. I love the community aspect. It enhances online connections with people because you have to really put yourself out there rather than hiding behind an avatar. You can communicate nuances through voice and facial expression that don't translate through writing. I can edit and edit and make a piece of writing fantastically clear, and that has its benefit but there's something raw and honest about the video format. Sounds strange and totally against the theory of what I teach but I love playing a person. I spend most of my time alone and it starts to feel very dull, like I'm not really reaching, exploring or trying. I started to wonder if making visual art was letting the language part of my brain die. I would and still will just drop sentences and lose the thought mid speaking. Showing up for others and putting all my thoughts and insights together to make something new is incredibly fulfilling and gives me energy. It also requires letting go of a lot of thoughts about myself I don't like in order for something else shine through.

How do you even sleep at night?

"It hurts every time I raise my eyebrows." Who writes this shit?

I'm jealous of men. They seem to be able to just not give a shit. They can act like the most atrocious devils and just not give a shit. Make money, charge money, just say fuck it to everything else. Build something and not care what sort of mark it leaves behind. Troll people into taking psychopath tests. *cough ahem* No one cares how you feel. Yeah, Chris, no one gives a rat's ass. I got your message. The feeling is the caring. Already. I'm in the business of walking into open doors. Seems like a comfortable story doesn't it? Not really. There's a bruise on my forehead and it hurts every time I raise my eyebrows. Then why tell it? Because it's my reality. Alright. You convinced me. So if you had the freedom you perceive men having, how would you use it? To heal emotions, to heal the earth. What was the insight you had about fire ants? That they are an invasive threat that protects against another worse one for humans. Are you saying this shit, this is all part of the plan? It seems fucked up. It's not to the author. I'm sick of submitting. What's the other meaning of submit? To give your finished work to someone, to let go. GODDAMN IT, I'M OK AS I AM.

Hurl. Ok, so I really was doing good focusing on a subject and then BAM. Not good. Not good at all. Let it go. Hmm.. A thought just came to me. My frustration with people who can't do this. Who can't just talk, or express what's going on. Dare I ask, is this a unique gift? Do I expect that my unique gifts (oh jeez this is sounding narcissistic) are just givens for everyone else? Yes. So if the universe gives you wisdom, or love, or humor, or whatever, you still have the ability to take it for granted. Yes. So these aren't actually my gifts, yet they are, because I can throw them away at the drop of the hat, which I have done in my noticing that others aren't embodying them, I'm not embodying them. DID YOU MAKE ME WALK INTO A DOOR LAST NIGHT? You literally walked into an open door. The irony did not hit me until now. That's because you hit the door... that was already open. Walked straight into it with your head. GAHHHH!!!!

I didn't but they have been reported, it's temporary though. Do you consume dairy products? How is your diet?

❤ Yes, I admit the wording was harsh. I am so sick and tired of people offering false healing through the means of demonizing and labeling narcissists. It has become such a popular thing. It's such a misunderstanding, and it just gets people more of the same abuse.

You totally miss what I'm saying. I don't believe there are ANY narcissists, I don't believe in narcissism. I don't believe in separate minds or separate selves. This is all in flux, and that's exactly why any mental illness can be healed. Therefore there is the potential of healing, irony and hilarity. Take a deep breath. Relief. Just woke up from a bad dream there. Maybe you got it backwards.

If you enjoy taking the quiz, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just questioning the underlying framework and motivation behind it. If you're truly happy living life continuing with the "I am my mind" and believing that there are sick minds and healthy minds that can be assessed for purposes of judgement and curiosity rather than healing, go ahead.

No one is going to answer those questions honestly. There is no honestly, it's all self judgment, self reflecting on its idea of its self. Yesterday I had a Facebook friend post her narcissism quiz results, it told us all what a wonderful kind hearted person she was as per the quiz. The irony eludes.

Just go for a walk someplace interesting or new and let intuition or whims guide you and lead you around.

@Gianna I've found it to be so helpful for so many different difficult situations.

I really liked the writing you shared here a while ago. "Mind is a thing that separates" was a striking insight I got from that that stuck with me. Not convinced you'd need chemicals though. It's just a slightly different flavor than the stuff you share in videos, but still Leo. Tap into the free feeling and go. I've found it's like the cartoon strip Calvin and Hobbes, Hobbes isn't real, he's part of Calvin and when adults are in the room Hobbes appears as a stuffed lifeless tiger. But Hobbes is Calvin's wiser, higher self, but with a sense of humor and with love for Calvin. When we understand that we are one with and are loved by our higher self, it channels wisdom. But so often we coopt that voice by using it to berate and bully ourselves. That's what blocks the love and wisdom. There are not two of us. Yet, the teachers who present themselves as channelers of some other outside entity might seem ridiculous and unbelievable to some, but they in doing that also allow themselves to be completely authentic and avoid projections that they are some perfect entity. All true creativity is channeling. Reality is not Hobbes, nor Calvin but the author/reader. "Reality" is a funny thing.

You create your reality, so of course he's a sci fi writer. Sometimes we actually misunderstandingly pick the very things we think discredit someone when they are exactly what makes them credible. Again, it's cause you create your reality, we the creators of credit.

Let's stay in the illusion that there are right choices and wrong choices, and we're responsible for them, and our grand superior intellect is what makes us safe, when in reality, it's the very thing that created the idea of life and death. Let's just live in the matrix, and laugh at people who make the "wrong" decisions, while secretly always doubting our own. It's certainly more fun that laughing about how this entire... scenario? life? world? THIS? is even possible, only through our own stupidity and forgetting that we're not exclusively the body, nor the characters we play. Someone else's foolishness might seem funny, but it doesn't hold a candle to how funny You really are.

Start to be aware throughout the day and at night and in the morning of the thoughts that are hitting yourself over the head for being the way that you are. Are there two of you, a bully and the abused one? Imagine a cartoon strip with those two characters. Write out a journal entry that's a conversation between you and the bully side. What does it want?

When the thought, annoyance or a new message from him comes up, do this. https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-tonglen/ It will shift things. He is suffering, and you want him to be happy. You also know that he has deluded himself into believing that YOU will make him happy. That's a very difficult, impossible situation to be in, as you know. It feels very personal. But it's not. It's the main misunderstanding of mind to think that happiness is found "out there", in relationships, objects, etc. He's just another victim to this misunderstanding. Release yourself of responsibility. You mention in the end that you actually feel unloved by him, even though you're the object of his obsession and he feels unloved by you. For both to get closure from the relationship you need to love. There's a reason acting like a cold bitch feels off. You don't have to act nice either. You don't have to contact him at all. Just love him from afar. You have to let go of him before he'll let go of you, and love is the only way to do that. Sounds insane and impossible which is why the tonglen practice is the perfect bridge to doing it. It addresses our collective suffering and lets it go.

@Esilda Thank you! I mediate, typically just 15 minutes in the morning, sometimes extra sessions or longer. Deep breathing definitely helps, I also love running and time in nature. What also helps is realizing that we don't need to be peaceful, but deeper peace is just something inherent, whether something is going horribly wrong or we're laughing hysterically or excited. So the peace we see in others is just a state, borrowed from that deeper peace that we already are. Also, if it's not in you, you would be able to appreciate it in another. As for on camera, lots of practice, doing the running or deep breathing first, and just tapping into the inspiration of what you really want to express. In the warmer parts of the year I like going for hikes later in the day and recording after walking for a mile or so.

The craziest, most unbelievable shit could occur, and no one would believe it. Because, well... it would be unbelievable. There could be a you and a world. ? There's a whole lot of fun that people could be having, (channeling aliens is only the tip of THAT iceberg,) but sadly it will all stay in the realm of unbelievable until they realize that they are in fact, unbelievable.

If you sit on the beach and look out on the ocean, you know that it's salt water, it's the Atlantic or Pacific or whatever. Does knowing that enhance the beauty of it? What knows, prior to the thought ocean coming up to label it, the ocean? Or the label, beautiful? Have you ever noticed how learning some subject in school that you hated didn't come easily, and then you forgot it as soon as you could? But learning something you were fascinated by was effortless, and you never forgot it? What is knowing... knowing the screen without knowing what the words are, that allows you to know? Your knowledge is so slow compared to this, always way behind the 8 ball. Drop the silent k from know, and there's just now.

You know how there are a bunch of movies that end with the monster being killed and the terror of it resolved, but then at the very end you see eggs hatching or some possibility of it returning somehow? Leaving the possibility of a sequel being open? You don't vanquish the monster, you realize that you are writing the script.