mandyjw

@tsuki ROFLOL I've NEVER done that with anyone's picture. @now is forever I tried her on for a while. Tried on being a witch. I am that I am.

I used to be a perfectly decent Christian girl who went out of her way to avoid sexual innuendos until YOU came along. So enjoy.

Poker and poked are one. I enjoy being poked, and I enjoy poking. Otherwise I feel very unloved.

I am the 90% and the 10%. I take pride in playing that role because by submitting to be the less smart one, I get to play the role of student. I get to hear everyone's wisdom and receive their love for me to want to share it with me and their joy in teaching and feeling capable. I learned this handling my contractor. He was the biggest jerk ever if there was a man around. Alone with me he was sweet. During those times he gave me a lot of tips that saved me money and taught me a lot, even though he ripped us off and betrayed our trust in some ways.

I love you guys, but you enjoy correcting and being smarty pants and you enjoy knowing how you believe. You remind me of my smarter than me friends. Too serious to laugh very much.

This is perfect, I can't believe I found it this easily.

YES! I'm sandwiched between losing my Grandmother last month and my dog's death, I thought he was dying for 2 years now, he has a massive spleen tumor and was given 4 months tops to live. He gets really really sick and I'll think "this is it" but he rallies time and time again, so I'm getting lots of practice in letting go and letting it be. When my Grandmother died I had that "hurts more, bothers less" experience. On one hand, I never really knew how much I'd loved her until she was dead and kind of hated myself for it, it was that "you don't miss it until it's gone" kind of thing. But I was able to see her in the sky, in the sunlight, in the birds and feel that one love beyond thought. Merging such grief with such love and connection was everything. When you get beyond duality you can do that. You get better at processing emotions properly in a short amount of time. I found that it was really intense for a short time but now I feel this amazing sense of peace about it. In the past when I lost other grandparents who I wasn't as close to as her I felt bad about it for a much longer time. I still haven't gone back to her house to see her not there in it, so I'm not sure how that will be. Abraham Hicks says to look for them where they are and not where they aren't. That's the key. Much love to you and your dog. Dogs are the best spiritual teachers, in my opinion.

@Serotoninluv Do you identify with, value your intellect?

I loved this song lately, I usually don't like such depressing music. I couldn't stop staring at this picture Cara Delevingne, I thought she was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. Now she doesn't seem quite as compelling but still beautiful.

I held the belief that the marriage had to be held on to. But the words that came out of the vortex, they were powerful love and powerful love can separate. My baby niece, she makes my forehead between my eyes burn like the trees do. I'll watch it. I loved American Beauty too. The scene with him filming the garbage bag blowing in the wind and how beautiful it was, that happened to me when the crows ate my neighbors trash a day or two after Grammie's death. They were so beautiful, so contrasted by the brilliant white snow in the sunlight. The next day I saw a dead crow and couldn't feel the same way. My aunt and uncle are selling the lake spot my Grammie and Grandpa gave us all. My parents sold their ownership to them for more woodlands and a little money. It was a bad trade. That spot is my heaven on earth. Now of all times. But my aunt saw me and loved me at the funeral. She said she'd see me this summer. This could be good if I can stay strong. My mother in law lost one of her students, my son's age to the flu. An absolutely gorgeous blonde haired girl. She's faintly related to my husband. She sent me a photo of her. I told her that some souls are too light for this world. I knew what to say but I felt her pain with her and bawled about it. I don't mind if I let other people's energy drag me down. I am like a phoenix, I will rise again.

@tsuki Have you seen American Beauty?

We're all just one. The whole thing is alive. Death and separation are illusion. Love is all there is in life. It has a sharply biting flip side. I'll put my hand in the cage and pet the Lion anyway. He knows me, he loves me.

@now is forever He's really out of touch with his good side. He hasn't even gotten to the point where he will logically admit that there is any value in being good or loving someone. He thinks love is biological and that he can outsmart everyone to get what he wants. But you're right. I need to see through it and have faith in it. I may have taken on too much too fast but time is moving faster than I thought and I love my friend and don't want to see her suffer. Faith, faith must have faith. I hugged the biggest tree I could find, it felt as good as hugging someone.

Ohhh... my heart is heavy. Thrown out of the vortex. Long conversation with my friend's husband. I know I did what needed to be done but I am so in pain and out of touch right now. It takes so much to listen to points of view. I want to just be free and spontaneous. This guy is the Devil with no Jesus side whatsoever.

Still hurt for a second. I'm all dressed in red for a date with the Devil. Wish me luck.

I lied.

Whew. I have an autistic son, he's 6. He's absolutely gorgeous. Red hair blue eyes. I feel like I caused his autism. I was terrified of everything during my pregnancy, mostly listeria. I stopped eating fresh fruits and veggies and lived in anxiety. I loved him but I had postpartum depression and anxiety and I was so worried that he'd die of SIDS that we barely slept. I learned mindfulness before getting pregnant with my second and it made all the difference. We had such a connection and I was able to enjoy her but it still hurt that i hadn't had it with my son. The thing is even though I feel like I caused it, he's perfect as he is. he has talents other's don't. My goal is to help him work to enhance his strengths as much as possible.

@tsuki Sorry. I get confused between you and me. The title of my journal should let me know that. I LOVE that song of his too, one of my absolute favorites from when I was a kid. If only we'd know each other then. The disappointing dreams of adulthood would have been everything we always wanted. It's better this way though. I'm off to do other things. Love, peace, I'm out.

Oh God, I'm Arnie. My parents used to work at a dairy. They were workaholics. We would hang out there with nothing to do. They had a floor that drained for some reason from refrigeration. It was concrete but sealed perfectly smooth. I decided to take my shoes off and skate around on my bare feet. I slipped and hit the back of my head, HARD. I lost consciousness, can't remember what happened except when we got home I threw up. Then went right to sleep. I know from my own kids and frantic research online that that was a concussion. My parents never took me in to the doctor. they didn't believe in doctors at the time.

Nice work. You denied yourself. it's so hard to do isn't? It hurts so much. Now you need to find yourself. Find that beautiful soul that you are. What do you love? What lights up your soul and sets you on fire? Go do something for yourself. Look at some art you love, eat some chocolate, take a bubble bath. Look at some funny cat meme and laugh. Soak it up. That feeling you get when you do this right? THAT is who you are. I love you.

Aww, they cut out the last part with the car. Here it is.

Jack from Titanic. Sigh. I adored him in What's Eating Gilbert Grape too. I just love him the most when he's at his worst.

I always told my husband i though McDonald's was romantic. I love McDonald's. They are Voldemort. So I thought of the mirror story to the birthday cake story. My sister was an obnoxious teenager. She covered all the walls in her room with posters of boys out of teenie bop magazines. Backstreet Boys, N'Sync. I hated them. She loved Leonardo DiCaprio which I fully resonated with. He was the first man I ever thought dirty thoughts about. I love "The Wolf on Wallstreet". The scene where he gets high and crashes the car but you get how he's experiencing it, GOD I LOVED that scene. Never laughed harder. Anyway, the story. So we were in the car waiting for our Mom to drive us to school. Backstreet boys came on the radio and she was singing it and I was in such a bad mood. I told her to stop. She kept doing it to annoy me. I punched her in the face. I wasn't a kid who hit people. It left a red mark but she just laughed about it. That made me cray. She was so loving and forgiving. I had to hit her to get that resolution. But I felt guilty and small.