mandyjw

@now is forever He's really out of touch with his good side. He hasn't even gotten to the point where he will logically admit that there is any value in being good or loving someone. He thinks love is biological and that he can outsmart everyone to get what he wants. But you're right. I need to see through it and have faith in it. I may have taken on too much too fast but time is moving faster than I thought and I love my friend and don't want to see her suffer. Faith, faith must have faith. I hugged the biggest tree I could find, it felt as good as hugging someone.

Ohhh... my heart is heavy. Thrown out of the vortex. Long conversation with my friend's husband. I know I did what needed to be done but I am so in pain and out of touch right now. It takes so much to listen to points of view. I want to just be free and spontaneous. This guy is the Devil with no Jesus side whatsoever.

Still hurt for a second. I'm all dressed in red for a date with the Devil. Wish me luck.

I lied.

Whew. I have an autistic son, he's 6. He's absolutely gorgeous. Red hair blue eyes. I feel like I caused his autism. I was terrified of everything during my pregnancy, mostly listeria. I stopped eating fresh fruits and veggies and lived in anxiety. I loved him but I had postpartum depression and anxiety and I was so worried that he'd die of SIDS that we barely slept. I learned mindfulness before getting pregnant with my second and it made all the difference. We had such a connection and I was able to enjoy her but it still hurt that i hadn't had it with my son. The thing is even though I feel like I caused it, he's perfect as he is. he has talents other's don't. My goal is to help him work to enhance his strengths as much as possible.

@tsuki Sorry. I get confused between you and me. The title of my journal should let me know that. I LOVE that song of his too, one of my absolute favorites from when I was a kid. If only we'd know each other then. The disappointing dreams of adulthood would have been everything we always wanted. It's better this way though. I'm off to do other things. Love, peace, I'm out.

Oh God, I'm Arnie. My parents used to work at a dairy. They were workaholics. We would hang out there with nothing to do. They had a floor that drained for some reason from refrigeration. It was concrete but sealed perfectly smooth. I decided to take my shoes off and skate around on my bare feet. I slipped and hit the back of my head, HARD. I lost consciousness, can't remember what happened except when we got home I threw up. Then went right to sleep. I know from my own kids and frantic research online that that was a concussion. My parents never took me in to the doctor. they didn't believe in doctors at the time.

Nice work. You denied yourself. it's so hard to do isn't? It hurts so much. Now you need to find yourself. Find that beautiful soul that you are. What do you love? What lights up your soul and sets you on fire? Go do something for yourself. Look at some art you love, eat some chocolate, take a bubble bath. Look at some funny cat meme and laugh. Soak it up. That feeling you get when you do this right? THAT is who you are. I love you.

Aww, they cut out the last part with the car. Here it is.

Jack from Titanic. Sigh. I adored him in What's Eating Gilbert Grape too. I just love him the most when he's at his worst.

I always told my husband i though McDonald's was romantic. I love McDonald's. They are Voldemort. So I thought of the mirror story to the birthday cake story. My sister was an obnoxious teenager. She covered all the walls in her room with posters of boys out of teenie bop magazines. Backstreet Boys, N'Sync. I hated them. She loved Leonardo DiCaprio which I fully resonated with. He was the first man I ever thought dirty thoughts about. I love "The Wolf on Wallstreet". The scene where he gets high and crashes the car but you get how he's experiencing it, GOD I LOVED that scene. Never laughed harder. Anyway, the story. So we were in the car waiting for our Mom to drive us to school. Backstreet boys came on the radio and she was singing it and I was in such a bad mood. I told her to stop. She kept doing it to annoy me. I punched her in the face. I wasn't a kid who hit people. It left a red mark but she just laughed about it. That made me cray. She was so loving and forgiving. I had to hit her to get that resolution. But I felt guilty and small.

Honey, you don't know how beautiful you are. Go look at something you find really beautiful or inspiring. A car, a scene, some art, a woman, whatever. feel that feeling. You ARE that. That's it. That's all there is to it. Stop believing you are the conflict and the pain, and you just simply become... that. It's not your body because it's here to fulfill a great purpose, it's here as a vehicle to do good and love others. The false you is the you who wishes to harm it.

Oh like when you're using a fork to hold a piece of steak to cut with a knife? Yeah, that skill eluded me for a long time. Here's a recent memory I thought of in the past week or two before this all happened. My sister had her last piece of birthday cake, she got it out and got ready to eat it and it fell on the floor. She cried, like literally cried. She was always the sentimental one and I was the "I don't give a fuck" one. I laughed. I still laugh when I think about it. It's hilarious. I'm Voldemort.

@tsuki That movie is a gold mine. Into the Wild. True story. "Wrong" hands what does that even mean? I guess you know how to eat at fancy restaurants? My sewing teacher, I used to tell her that my mom was constantly telling me not to eat with my hands. She said I needed to learn but that when I was an adult, I could choose to not have silverwear if I wanted. I was like, what? Aren't adults practical and mature? I finally understand what she meant now. She used to keep all her cat's whiskers in a jar. Black ones, white ones. I thought that she was a witch. One time I took care of her cats for her. The power went out and I was worried the cat would get cold so i took him home with me. He slept on my head all night. He was the sweetest cat, his name was Brain and he was pure black. Black male cats almost always seem to have the sweetest temperaments. Or Black and white. My friend taught me that.

It is here too! Nature is calling. He should't have tried to go it on his own. We got it right this time.

You CAN, you really can. Put the knife through your heart, metaphorically and be one with us. We will see your colors and dance with you. In form, in person. Your beautiful personality will only strengthen. You were born onto this planet to be a part of the whole. You are who you are. become yourself fully. Your body is your temple. Do not destroy it, love it. I love you. You got this. I'm here for you. What is your favorite color?

There are no unspirals. This is why your toilet flushed the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere. Still a whirlpool. Still a vortex. No matter which direction it goes. I had a hard time grasping right and left. I swear to God. I used to suck my finger when I was a kid, until I was 9. The only way I could learn was going into my body and feeling which fingers those were. Even as an adult those two fingers feel different. My Dad helped me do this he said just think of which hand you eat with. When I took drivers ed, I made a right when the instructor said left. He was avretired cop but he was anxious all the time. he freaked out, "LEFT, I said LEFT. DO YOU NOT KNOW YOUR RIGHT FROM YOUR LEFT." "No." I said. Not even trying to be smart with him. He didn't know what to do with that.

WHAT??? Pearls go with everything silly. YES! To the last thing. What is your art? Show me! That's so funny because I feel like I'm carrying the past of this place. I always wanted to "save" this area. Wanted to do it on my own. I went to the library and got a book the history of town. It was so disappointing. Nothing I didn't already know about the clairvoyant doctor. The only cool thing was a story about the author being scared of some lady's house because supposedly she was a witch.

@tsuki Beautiful. Whirlpools, two together, interconnected but separate. Like the ocean. Red and Green. Emerald and Ruby. Complementary colors. Opposites on the color wheel. They cause a special vibration when you see them which is what draws/attracts your eye to them. That's why advertisers use complimentary colors to make their products stand out. We were taught all this art class. Ms.Avery was my art teacher. She lived right here in town even though I went 40 minutes away to get to my high school. She lived somewhere off the grid, where the power lines don't reach. I never found out where. Of course. Wow art therapy is powerful stuff. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whirlpool

I'll send you my pearl earrings if you want. Or make you something else. What's your favorite color?

@now is forever The dreams are part of your reality. Accept them and enjoy them for the fleeting pleasures they are. Perfectly fine to flee into them, in fact that's really good. Sending you lots of love.

It might be a sign, is it leading you to explore something? What are the particular memories/events?

Here's what I would do. Meditate because you want to. Quit it until you want to do it again. Give yourself the freedom to only do what you want to do spontaneously when it comes to spirituality.

@now is forever Do you listen to Abraham Hicks? She really taught me that the magic is in just enjoying the feeling, enjoying the thing and then not having to take it as a yardstick to compare to how things "are". That's really just being in the present moment. The vortex is the feeling when you're watching the movie and you are the characters, you're lost in it. Just like the analogy I gave Tsuki at the start of this. Finish the movie and then keep that state of love and lightheartedness as you move back into your own. I'm realizing now that my creative flow state was the vortex. I just wasn't able to hold it or spend that much time there. So it's true, it's already you, you already have what you seek. I always used to try to make myself work all day, fill the kiln full of stuff. My mind would get so foggy and I'd feel tired and cranky. If I could go out for a run everything got set back and I'd be in the flow state much more often. I really believe that my running was key to my success in my work. Other workouts worked almost as well but they didn't clear my mind like running because I was still trying so hard to do the right things. I just recently was able to do yoga intuitively. Running replaced what yoga is for most people I guess. Find the things that put you in that state and capitalize on them. Ignore the things that are not wanted that come out of others states.