mandyjw

Oh sweet blinking cursor. How beautiful thou art. One second you're there, the next you're gone. I really never notice you, never pay attention to you. I never thanked you for all you've done for me. I've been so busy focused on what I wanted to write. I never noticed you were here for me, here before me. I love you, you know. Like the tick of a clock, in and out of existence. In and out of awareness. Are you really there? Are you holding a place for me? Or am I, like you neither there nor not, pure potentiality. In breath. Out breath. In and out. Sex. Prior to conception. I couldn't conceive of you. Oh cursor. I'd read you my last writes, but I never did write them. cursor (n.) c. 1300 (as a surname) "a running messenger," from Latin cursor "runner," also "errand-boy," from curs-, past-participle stem of currere "to run" (from PIE root *kers- "to run"). From 1590s as "part of aslide rule or other instrument that slides backward and forward upon another part." The computer screen sense is a 1967 extension of this. If it's writing in cursive, should it only be curse words we write all fancy? Huh. Explaining myself doesn't feel write anymore. Write. Did I even mean to do that? Oh cursor, you even erase. Take me back, cursor take me back. I want to be in his thoughts, right before the end. I want to rebuild build on to everything he built, everything he desired. God, God, God, everything about him, how he lived, we truly are the same being. Being. Be in his thoughts? Like you want a dead man to think of you, or you want to channel as he did? You are being... channeling. What you want is exactly what's happening. Curse you cursor! Take me to bed or lose my forever. Godamn it I burnt the squash. Oh, the things you do in the throws of passion. Throws? Oh it's throes. What are throes? throe (n.) c. 1200, throwe "pain, pang of childbirth, agony of death," of uncertain origin, possibly from Old English þrawan "twist, turn, writhe" (see throw (v.)), or altered from Old English þrea (genitive þrawe) "affliction, pang, evil; threat, persecution" (related to þrowian "to suffer"), from Proto-Germanic *thrawo (source also of Middle High German dro "threat," German drohen "to threaten"). Modern spelling first recorded 1610s. Related: Throes. passion (n.) c. 1200, "the sufferings of Christ on the Cross; the death of Christ," from Old French passion "Christ's passion, physical suffering" (10c.), from Late Latin passionem (nominative passio) "suffering, enduring," from past-participle stem of Latin pati "to endure, undergo, experience," a word of uncertain origin. The notion is "that which must be endured." The sense was extended to the sufferings of martyrs, and suffering and pain generally, by early 13c. It replaced Old English þolung (used in glosses to render Latin passio), literally "suffering," from þolian (v.) "to endure." In Middle English also sometimes "the state of being affected or acted upon by something external" (late 14c., compare passive). Oh, that don't sound good. I guess I'll throw the throes. But I'll try to save most of the squash. Appearance. I let you seduce me, but I don't know about these throes. I was never conceived of, I never conceived, why the labor pains? You know, I used to think this was who I was. The passionate one. Oh how funny. How funny! The passion ate one. Communion. The passion of the Christ. Eat my flesh, eat my blood. Now it's even funnier. Yup, that's exactly it. Oh Jesus.

By allowing your desires and paying attention to how you feel. The desire is the direction and the feeling is indicating whether you're fighting it, or going smoothly in the direction of it. The desire for enlightenment is not in conflict with any other desires. There are no lesser desires, no separate desires, just misunderstood or resisted desires. Desire (for) itSelf burns itself up like a moth to the flame. We desire everything we desire because of how we want to feel. When we bring awareness straight to feeling, we realize that desire isn't a step up or a thing in the future, it always goes straight back to us. We are that very now awareness itself.

The ego mind is not what you think it is. "It's" trying to control the outcome. It will try to control the outcome of its own demise. Being afraid of letting stuff go because some scenario might happen is not how stuff is let go of. Sometimes you have what seems on the surface to be a ridiculously awful experience and it turns out to be hilariously, perfectly... exactly what was wanted. If I walked in for a tarot card reading with the attitude of "fuck it, I don't know what's going to happen but I want to find out", I'm totally aware. No one is going to pull the wool over my eyes, I'm pure awareness, pure curiosity. If I go in afraid I might be fooled, or fool myself, I've already done it to myself, immediately. Well played fictional ego. Well played. It's all just play. What do you want from it?

I think if you want to do it, do it out of fun and curiosity. No other reason. Also if you like, why don't you get a deck and intuitively pick the cards for yourself?

hide (v.1) Old English hydan (transitive and intransitive) "to hide, conceal; preserve; hide oneself; bury a corpse," hide (n.1) "skin of a large animal," Old English hyd "a hide, a skin," hide (n.2) a measure of land (obsolete), Old English hid "hide of land," earlier higid, from hiw- "family," from or related to hiwan "household," hiwo "a husband, master of a household," from Proto-Germanic *hiwido-, from PIE *keiwo- (source also of Latin civis "citizen"), from PIE root *kei- (1) "to lie," also forming words for "bed, couch," and with a secondary sense of "beloved, dear." share (n.1) "portion," Old English scearu "a cutting, shearing, tonsure; a part or division," related to sceran "to cut," from Proto-Germanic *skeraz (source also of Old High German scara "troop, share of forced labor," German Schar "troop, band," properly "a part of an army," Old Norse skör "rim"), from PIE root *sker- (1) "to cut."

Might just be shy. It takes a level of comfort to even think of things you'd like to know let alone have the guts to ask them.

Uh huh.

@TK2021 No, that's just judgement. It's not about oxytocin, it's that love is unconditional, and when you're with someone you're WITH them. Being lost in thought and judgement is the only way you can split yourself, and so it seems you don't "bond". If it was about oxytocin you should ban women from dark chocolate. That's one of those roads that ends up in with burkas, because of need to control born out of some unquestioned insecurity. There are endless reasons to be insecure. You cannot control the circumstances. By the way, my husband and I got together as teenagers and we're still together, meaning, we've never been with anyone else. I feel that to admit this in this setting is just as bad as admitting I used to be an escort or something. Perhaps worse. See what I mean about judgement? When you make winner and loser out of what's not separate you can never win. When you don't, you can't ever lose.

I heard that he traveled through his Mom's vagina to even get here in the first place. Ew. We don't talk about that.

@Blackhawk Your thoughts create your reality. It's not confirmation that life is a certain way, it's confirmation that what you give power to manifests. huh? .... the fuck is this then? What am I, a fart in a windstorm? Start to notice what you like, what you want, it's already here. Ta DA! Ta DA! Ta..... DA!!!

"It's" whatever you make it. Sounds like you're working pretty hard to make it into something serious. It's absolutely not serious at all. You might not realize that you're doing that. More cosmic joke. More cowbell. Enough set up, time for the punchline.

Many women actually really want to invest in a man. Those men get a lot of things immediately taken care of for them and a life partner. There's a synergy that pays off in career, finances, family and in so many other ways. Men and women are made to work with one another in a brilliantly designed complimentary fashion. With pickup you're putting in massive effort and slamming on the brakes. The efficiency sucks.

If you're inspired to do some things you think are uncomfortable, do them. It's exhilarating to see that they really aren't what we think, it's just the thoughts that create that discomfort. This really doesn't have anything to do with gender, if you think it does, go read some natural birthing discussions somewhere. There's also hypothermia, and frostbite. And there are an incredible variety of clothes that allow you to enjoy the outdoors in almost any weather, if that's what inspires you. I would say the lesson from Wim Hoff is that when one acts out of inspiration, they are immune to these ill effects, but from experience I can say that when we act out of trying to prove something to ourselves to avoid the discomfort of being some lacking way we think we are but really aren't, there are some consequences.

Sorry to hear. Look at what you wrote again. Since we believe we came from our parents, they really are fantastic mirrors of ourselves. We are the next generation, we want to see through and heal and deal with the shit they dealt us, taking the best parts, leaving the rest. But as long as we judge, them and try to separate ourselves from it, we HOLD ON to all that crap. That's the funny thing about suffering loops, they start and end with you. You even said, I don't want to spend time with them. You want this to be a healing opportunity FOR YOU. And that's exactly as it should be. This is the end of something, and it's ok to morn that, and the birth of something beautiful. For them, no who knows, maybe they fuck things up worse, or get back together more in love than ever, who knows, but for YOU. For you it's the birth of something beautiful. Isn't that what parents are for, fundamentally? Congrats, it's a boy! The selfish little shit you are is NOT SELFISH ENOUGH. CARE ABOUT YOURSELF MORE.

WOAH. woah. woah. The plot twists! My GOD! You guys are all fantastic. A++ ?

Because we are not separate, not two, it seems like we live in the same world. From there differences seem to be. The same sun lights the earth, yet its effects are different in the north pole and the equator. I can use a common language to communicate with you, and you basically know what I mean, but words have unique meanings and connotations for you. Absolutely nothing has changed. The Light by which we know is utterly the same, but the known appears as difference. What do you know now, that seems different and bothersome from how everything always was, before the first thought of the beginning or time itself?

I have been summoned? Accidently? https://youtu.be/kNVXsIs22ls "Master, I don't think you quite realize what you got here! So, why don't you just ruminate, While I illuminate the possibilities! Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves Scheherezade had a thousand tales But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeves You got a brand of magic never fails You got some power in your corner now Some heavy ammunition in your camp You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how See all you gotta do is rub that lamp And I'll say Mister Aladdin, sir What will your pleasure be? Let me take your order Jot it down You ain't never had a friend like me Ha ha ha Life is your restaurant And I'm your maitre d' C'mon whisper what it is you want You ain't never had a friend like me"

Well then, you lived your whole life thinking you were a thing in time and space, and you're not. Lots of embarrassing misunderstandings! Except we're still implying time and a whole lot of other things. embarrass (v.) 1670s, "perplex, throw into doubt," from French embarrasser (16c.), literally "to block," from Italian imbarrazzo, from imbarrare "to bar," from assimilated form of in- "into, upon" (from PIE root *en "in") + Vulgar Latin *barra "bar" (see bar (n.1)). Meaning "to hamper, hinder" is from 1680s. Meaning "make (someone) feel awkward" is attested by 1809. The original sense is preserved in embarras de richesse "the condition of having more wealth than one knows what to do with" (1751), from French (1726). Related: Embarrassed; embarrassing; embarrassingly. JESUS! I thought it was about them bare asses the whole time and it really means to bar. Oh I'm so embarrassed.

I wrote this a few days ago and guess I forgot to save it. The wares, beware, aware connection is pretty awesome. *Napoleon Dynamite sigh....* I'm not sure this was a good idea. I think we've talked about this before. Good is an idea itself. What is really good comes before ideas. You think you know me, we've talked, before? No one else would put up with your bullshit you know. And who puts up with yours'? Touché. You know, I'm not supposed to be entertaining the idea of separate selves, and yet here I am publicly talking to one. Complete devilry. suppose (v.) early 14c., "to assume as the basis of argument," from Old French suposer "to assume" (13c.), probably a replacement (influenced by Old French poser "put, place") of *suppondre, from Latin supponere "put or place under; to subordinate, make subject," from assimilated form of sub "under" (see sub-) + ponere "put, place" (past participle positus; see position (n.)). Meaning "to admit as possible, to believe to be true" is from 1520s. Suppose means think. "I'm supposed." Damn. Who would have thought? Who would have supposed? I'm not feeling how I'd like to be feeling. Everything you want I instantly give you. I mean, it's yours. But you don't want it instantly, and so instantly, you've got it. The best of both worlds. So I ask, what do you want? Nearly everything I read is shit. I bought a few books and I get them and I'm like yeeeeah, fuck that. Just about everyone I talk to doesn't know a fucking thing. Is this like that time you thought you'd discovered all the good music there was and would ever be when you were like 13? Adorable. Imagine if you listened to the same old music all the time. Eating, sleeping, 24/7. Now imagine how great yet maybe at first, unsettling, silence would seem. That's how thoughts seem. Reading, talking, writing, the thoughts seem heavy, disappointing, unsatisfactory, like drudgery. What effort? Effort to run away from something unwanted? Are you aware of how you feel or beware of how you feel. Beware. I'm afraid of feeling crappy. So I thought that the company of people I love and people are are unique made me happy. What was really going on there? They are so interesting and compelling to you, that you use them as an excuse to become aware. You aren't thinking your circular plugged toilet water thoughts then. There's power behind it. Ok, so why do people I really want to spend time with and have a great time with seem to make me anxious. Because then you starting thinking you're a ware. You aren't a ware. You don't need to care so much about how they value your wares. You're aware. Ware rhymes with care! ware (n.) "manufactured goods, goods for sale," Old English waru "article of merchandise," also "protection, guard," hence probably originally "object of care, that which is kept in custody," from Proto-Germanic *waro (source also of Swedish vara, Danish vare, Old Frisian were, Middle Dutch were, Dutch waar, Middle High German, German ware "goods"), from PIE root *wer- (3) "perceive, watch out for." Usually wares, except in compounds such as hardware, earthenware, etc. Lady ware was a jocular 17c. euphemism for "a woman's private parts" (but sometimes also "male sex organs"), and Middle English had ape-ware "deceptive or false ware; tricks" (mid-13c.). ware (v.) "to take heed of, beware," Old English warian "to guard against, beware; protect, defend," from Proto-Germanic *warō (source also of Old Frisian waria, Old Norse vara), from PIE *waro- "to guard, watch," suffixed form of root *wer- (3) "perceive, watch out for." BEWARE EVERYBODY, I'M A WARE. But no one ware it like me. This is really starting to ware on me. Just drop the e and what do you have? I thought I was cheap wares. Huh. There's no such thing as cheap wars. Always expensive. And no one ever wins. We've really gone to far with this now. Ok. I like to own source, I want to be responsible for other's connection to source. How is responsible working out for you! It's not. It's the same thing, the beware, a ware, thing. You cannot be aware, if you're afraid and when you get afraid and have to deliver, you're a ware. You know, you should start a blog. I couldn't do it without you. I feel like that's supposed to be bad or wrong, did I write that or did you write that? Oh wait. I think I really wanted to be told that, I couldn't do it without you. Like there was some sort of ghost waiting to be told that before she would leave and stop haunting the damn place. Like I wanted to believe I was bad for having manifest, having stepped into... it. Are you a ghost or are you manifest? Neither. You keep trying to make have your cake and eat it too into a problem. Why does attention feel good? Because it borrows awareness from Awareness, someone is aware of you and they... "Like what they see."

That's still a patriarchal framework of reasoning, which actually creates the shame and fear which creates the situations where there is demand for sex workers. Google Alice Little. She's a legal sex worker and educator. She's very open and nerdy about sex.

Don't be afraid to ask stupid questions. Don't be afraid to look stupid. Just ask what you reeeeally want to know. If you're trying to control the outcome by first proving what you know then it's not a real question.

If only washing your hands obsessively got rid of OCD. I'm not knocking detoxes, just... breath a minute. Toxins aren't what you think. Toxins are what you think.

@7thLetter Can I see it? (Totally ok if you don't want to.) Is there another direction you can take it in since it's unfinished? Maybe turn some of the dollar bills into birds like they are flying away. Totally change the message and symbolism into something transcendent or meaningful? Can you embrace it? "Issues" with women and money is still a judgement. I'm not saying don't remove it, but if this keeps happening... this flip flopping of being very sure about something, then hating it, I think it's the regret part of the cycle that you need to question. Everything is alchemy, everything is transmutation.

@7thLetter I know from experience that imagery and symbolism is very key to understanding your psyche. I was hoping I might have an insight for you. Judgement and regret will block that kind of understanding. Look at it without judgement, what is it communicating?

@7thLetter What is the tattoo of?