mandyjw

There was nothing noble about my path. Also why is everything talking about pissing in the wind? I mean, why not piss in the wind if that's what you want to do?

There are a lot of different reasons why people get tattoos. I never thought I'd be getting any but I'm working on designing two now.

@Nahm @Shadowraix

@Nahm I'm nearly incapable of work anymore anyway. It feels like the biggest personal development failing. I like being kicked.

A waste of a life. To truly be lost. That's my real fear. You got me. I hated visiting my Grandmother. She just sat there, doing nothing. I tried so hard to be entertaining, to not fall asleep when I visited her. Yesterday I went and got groceries. I hate having to do mundane things like that when I normally work. And the thing that kept happening to me before I had this break happened again. I felt overwhelmed, cold, everything was getting soaked in the rain. The feeling only lasted a second and then I just melted into it with no resistance. I only surrender when pain is present. When someone or something takes me down a notch.

@Nahm I don't want to be the only person in the universe. I don't want to be God. I want God to take care of me. I want to be a sheep, not a shepherd. I'm both, I'm all of it.

@Nahm I've never been open to the idea od past lives until recently. But there are three memories/visions, I've always known aren't mine. A meadow. An antique chair. I didn't know it until I saw one like it. An antique clock face. They trigger an indescribable unshakable feeling. It's a nice one but it is puzzling. Thank you, I can't thank you enough.

@LastThursday My path is more like forging through the wilderness. I'm out here, it's beautiful and I'm lost. I had a home at one time, but this place could be home too. My eyes see it for the first time, but I saw the same woods through different eyes before. Some of the memories are still there. What is a memory? A vision of the future? What is time? A vision of a clock?

I thought they were quite excellent, the best yet in the whole journal.

I almost always get a runner's high, especially anything above three miles. It usually lasts a while after the run. I've experienced the intense ones while running as you describe, but I almost always get some sort of mild high from running even short distances. I think it's different for everyone. I have a friend who runs and says he's never experienced it at all.

@cetus56 I LOVE that. himself/herself though.

Whatever you feel drawn to doing will be most effective. If both, great!

@TheAvatarState I've always been OK with the term God, even having been raised with a very rigid idea of him. I'm just still struck by how I had to accept the ugliest, low consciousness parts of myself and the world to get "here". I have to be very open-minded to the definition of the word noble to make it fit the description of the path I had to walk.

@zeroISinfinity I guess that is the true grace of God.

@TheAvatarState Yeah I think the word noble is very stage blue. I like the word, but it makes me think of righteousness or morality, where as the path is renouncing your understanding of morality and judgement in order to connect with God experiencially.

The strange thing is that Grandmother grew up here, she was born shortly before the clairvoyant doctor died and she died just as the realizations started and right before my awakening happened. To me love is the connecting force of energy. Love for a person, love for a place is what opens me up to feeling the energy and being transformed by it.

What stuff, and who is embarrassed?

I guess you could say that.

@Preetom I thought pissing in the wind was a beautiful symbolic way of showing that you are letting go and letting God. No?

Why is it called the noble path? There was nothing noble about my path. That's so important to remember, so easy to forget.

@Sahil Pandit I really like that.

This is really excellent if you are interested in working with your relationships with others. A lot of our focus is about doing work on our own and turning inward but Pema is a great way to balance that with learning to relate to others as yourself. She talks a lot about dealing with anger, compassion, how to live with patience and non aggression and how to hold your views and opinions but at the same time be curious and open to other's. I know a lot of us are struggling with that, and trying to figure out how we can be passionate about politics and help others but at the same time love what we hate as something that is already whole. In other words, it's extraordinarily challenging stuff.

Don't forget walking and hiking. I agree with @Serotoninluv I run because I love it but I'm not sure it's helping my longevity much. I really struggle with balancing it with enough stretching and yoga because I seem really prone to tight muscles.

@David Hammond I have a very different understanding of myself. I have mystical experiences, I didn't work to get them, I cheated my way here. My ego tricks me all the time.

So far the neighborhood has been like a power spot to me. I feel energy from other places but they've never lead me to realizations and tried to awaken me like this one has. It seems like that feeling sensitivity is expanding now though. I started getting really obsessed with one particular spot by the river and I would take my kids there to play. It made me feel incredibly still and I'd just meditate on the water and the nature around it. But I went because I loved it, and to let my kids get outside. I was never intending for anything to happen at all, I was never intending it to be a meditation practice or anything like that. What happened is the place turned into an obsession or an irresistible draw. I just wanted to go there because it made me feel good. Later while visiting a cemetery I started having interesting things happen, which drew me back and every time something inexplicable happened. To begin with those things were negative. It lead me to finding a book written by a clairvoyant healer buried there. The book had so many parallels to my life and to what I wanted to do with my life. Then I found the remains of his mansion and it overlooked the spot on the river. I started having insights there. They started slow and basic but were strong so I listened. The first was to stop drinking coffee and get over my fear. The second was to stop feeling unworthy to be there, the third was that the only thing of value I had to give other people was my love. I went back and saw a tree there, actively making cracking sounds and splitting down the center. It was one tree at the base, turning into two trees. I understood the nature of duality. One and two at the same time. After that things started snowballing and coinciding with my conversations on the forum and my regular life. They are both a result of perception and awareness, those two cannot be separated. I clear my mind so that I can clearly perceive.