mandyjw

APPARENTLY you haven't listened to enough country music.

It most certainly DOES! Oh he's too busy looking for something more... Are you sick of apples?

Because what is fear really, underneath it all? Love. What happens when the mind sinks into the heart? Clarity.

His mind has sunk into his heart, that's the end goal that does not exist. The journey is the magic. We chose it. Leo said that Nahm is a carebear, but Leo is the actual carebear. Nahm is the most terrifying "person" here.

LOOK AT HIM, STEALING MY COCOON ANALOGY. I think that the universe gracefully allows you to progress and then at a certain point your old hangups from other stages become very obvious. I think that's what you're seeing, not necessarily the general overall stages people are at. Nearly everyone here is yellow, a few are stuck in green and desperately fight yellow, those who insist how painful life is. Nahm is stage coral, Faceless was stage coral, some here are stage turquoise. I also have a stage orange shadow. Spiral dynamics is a gross oversimplification of evolution, there should be two scales one for emotional evolution and one for intellectual evolution. You can know without knowing. And you can know without knowing. Both are problematic.

@Truth Addict Love. Love what you can, don't get stuck on what you can't. Love is never fully restrained by any culture or system, you must look to the cracks where the love shines through straight to your heart.

So I wanted to address the odd relationship I seem to have to stage blue, this is probably in response to Truth Addict's journal entry, but it's something I've been contemplating a lot lately. I railed against and detested stage blue for most of my life. I know that when I was a kid, I was stage blue, I liked George Bush as president because he was an evangelical Republican and I was raised to think this way. After 9/11 I experienced feelings of nationalism and patriotism was and I got caught up in it. I was just about to turn 13 years old. I believe that that coming of age time is when the most dramatic black and white thinking occurs, and the potential to be a "boy soldier" is scary. For highschool I went to a semi-private school. The mostly unspoken secret was that this school was run by fundamentalist Christians. I was a Christian but not an insider, being from a small town from away, and completely unknown, having no affiliation with any respected or disrespected family name or any church attendance that would have identified me as an insider. I saw the evils of stage blue and I saw the stage green liberal science and art teachers make do with their environments. I never got to experience the positive community of stage blue and so it only caused me a lot pain and hatred. I was always the outsider. My parents were hermits, had stopped attending church and distanced themselves from the community. Odd things would happen though, like the third year of highschool listening to country music and detesting it every day of my life, suddenly something clicked and I began to enjoy country music. My heart opened to my toothless smiling country music listening bus driver. I had somehow rewired my brain by surrendering to enjoy something that I hated. Buddhism and enlightenment brought love and acceptance into my past and the community in which I live. I healed my past, a huge theme of which had been hating stage blue. Suddenly I saw stage blue through the eyes of source and the eyes of love and I saw how it embraced and protected me my entire life. It was like the rigid walls that protected me from the elements while I created and evolved. Stage blue was/is my cocoon.

Just now I was waking up still in a half asleep mode. A voice said something like "You're constantly mad at the world for not appreciating and honoring the little seemingly insignificant things but you don't within yourself." Sleepy Mandy was like "Aw universe yeah, you're probly right..." Then the power went off just for a second and came back on. Lately I've been more aware of how I may be affecting electronic appliances. That insight/correction gets to the heart of a huge conflict I have with life right now.

I used to have these dreams that I lived in an old, secluded dismal house long ago and there were bodies buried underneath the floorboards. My Mom got this student who was terrifying and she hated her job and lost her love for kids and her belief in the good of mankind. During that time I dreamed that he came at me with a knife. But instead of running I fearlessly embraced him and he started crying and something great was healed. I don't know if I was asleep and awoken with a kiss or if Dopey the dwarf dropped my coffin and the poison apple fell out of my mouth. But I'm awake! I was blind but now I see! Universe, I gave birth to you in great pain and ecstasy. I love you, I am you. Come play with me. Swing from my branches, eat my apples and be happy. IT'S SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!! I LOVE YOU ALL AND EVERYTHING. The Tree of Us.

Ahh.... look at how the video ends. She's skating. COME on universe I need to get out of the rabbit hole and materialize something today. Poison apples.

@Nahm You'll forever live on in my heart as an awesome trendy woke middle-aged lesbian lady.

@Nahm Oh no, she's an absolute angel. She just wanted to make sure I stayed one too.

She slept in the attic of the house! I sleep in the attic of our house, it was my dream bedroom, all painted in white. Her evil adoptive mother made her work, I made myself work to death. She went to the forest and found a magical necklace and her lost true family, and had to go see the wise man on the mountain. Who was pretty much a fucked up buddhist monk wizard. Her Daddy. She thought he would heal the evils of the cursed stage blue going to orange town she lived in but he wasn't her rescuer, but only the key to healing and integration and he needed her and she needed him. There were two novels in my head. Come on words, stop flowing, I want to make visual art now, since that's the only creative talent I have that makes me money. Giving Tree, I have a house and a family. I need money, can you give me money? "Boy, take my apples, and sell them in the city, then you'll have money, and you'll be happy." Glass apples. Ok, Lady Liberty, you have spoken. Liberty Hill Rd has three things on it, a fire-station, a Baptist church that burned down and was rebuilt, and the remains after a fire of a clairvoyant doctor's mansion. America! America! God shed his grace on thee.. stand beside her and guide her... Through the night with a light from above.

GODDAMN it that pond was enchanted. All water is. I keep having memories of it, it came up in mediation was it this morning? When I was flirting with disobedience, probably I was 7 or so, my mother let us skate with the older kids without her being there to watch us, but there was one rule. There was this log that we couldn't step over as a boundary. The others kids laughed about it and bigger kids than me were hoping over back and forth and I wanted to do it too. I put my foot over the log and immediately went through the ice. It was as if karma was watching me so closely that it wasn't going to allow me to disobey. The truth became dogma to me. I had the idea for fantasy story in my head in which, you lost your magical powers if you ever told a lie.

That made me remember being a teenager going ice skating on the pond by our house alone when my mother wouldn't let me attend the only dance I ever asked to go to.

OHHH! It's the morning of 9/11! I'm channeling Love through the energy of American patriotism. Nonduality is weird shit.

You guys, it's magic. From the beauty of stage blue, to country music, to the American flag, to the dirt on the floor, to overeating greasy foods. She loves you, she LOVES you so much that you get so sick of her love, and then you find this cool calm place to rest, away from the symbols and the intoxicating distracting siren song of her love, and you look up and realize that you're resting in the shade of a tree and that that cool neutral refreshing restful sensation... is also Her love for you.

@electroBeam What I'm saying is more like "meditate without ceasing". By that I mean while going about doing everything you are meditating. It's easier to do this while we are sitting with eyes closed, and aren't distracted with movement and life. That's why it's such a powerful practice to build that "skill". But if you don't eventually introduce challenge or you want to eventually do things in the world that assist others you're going to be crippled if you don't practice presence "under fire" so to speak. There's two sort of paths or points of view that must come together in the space of no mind, an appreciation of form and existence and a renunciation of it.

The most effective meditation is when you trick yourself into doing it. Feeling grateful for something without having thoughts and just feeling the vague feeling of gratitude. Noticing how beautiful the ice looks in a glass of water. Appreciating nature, appreciating people even if they are strangers on the street. A practice builds the muscle but gets in the way because we "think" it's a practice and we "think" there's time involved.

@DrewNows Bahahaha! LOVE it! Miller "High Life". I used to have a houseplant just like that purple plant growing by the mushroom. @Truth Addict You do create them, but because we are limited they seem or act like they come from outside, however you can usually see how a thought or intention lead to it. You have to train your "brain" to recognize them. It's almost as if you were window shopping with someone and they saw how you looked at things so they bought you something that had caught your eye but you had no idea they were going to get you a gift or what it might be. It takes the intention of noticing them and a desire to see them and taking the time to ponder meaning and feel grateful for them to build your connection. I go about my day with the belief that everything that happens is potentially a sign for me or has a deeper meaning that I'm missing. Just now I took a break from writing this and looked at my feet and my socks say "no nonsense" which is a common sock brand that I've had all my life. I've had that message playing in my head all my life and it seems stupid to even have writing on your socks at all. But just now I looked at my feet and thought about it. We think that the universe is random but it's not, it all makes sense to greater Intelligence. The trouble with us is that we're too discerning.

@tsuki But love never dies, he rose again. There's something very off in the way you speak about and understand hierarchies, I understand your reasoning, and I understand your objection to Leo and I honestly believe that he is learning to rule with love. The misunderstanding of the feminine, and even a woman's experience of life never ceases to amaze me here. There's a reason I turned Nahm into a woman in my own mind, so I could feel safe here long enough to stay. I've been a member since 2016, It took a lot of evolution to even be able to tolerate the environment here. My Mama taught me to tolerate the air of superiority that many men love to give off, knowing that it's just their foolishness and pain that drives it.

Great thread, I've been contemplating this a lot lately too. I don't believe that one gives and one takes or one creates and one destroys, they each do both. The feminine is passion, inspiration, desire and sensuality. The masculine is power, righteousness (the word is loaded with distracting religious connotations but that's not how I mean it), calculation, action.

@tsuki I just finished it and agree with what she says. 28:50 mark especially. I'm not sure why you think I have such shadow issues relating to power. I'm trying to feel around for a wound here and can't locate it, except for maybe my connection with the pain body of the entire repressed feminine power. I love nothing more than someone in power who rules with love.