mandyjw

I notice that having strange insights are good for finding food. It's evolutionary helpful, you see. I noticed that my balance of embrace life and refrain is very tied to the seasons. I'm sure that to many I appear to be all about the tantric/embrace everything path of desire type. I am, but I am not. I appear that way in reaction to most of the other's imbalances here. It has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I woke up with nature around me this spring and the current time of year will have its own affect.

Yesterday I worked really hard to clean the house and get ready for my son's birthday party. SO much work for two hours of complete chaos in my home. I took a break to go for a run. I went on my usual route and had an impulse to go the opposite direction. I'm not sure why but many of my impulses don't really feel good when I receive them. They feel a lot like they did as an 11 year old when I had OCD. They feel like a demand coming from a teacher, and I know I have to listen. I assume this is because of my ego resistance or sense of separation. I turned around thought I would go to Pomroy's. There was a strange vehicle on the road and instead I ran by the river. There were a few crows that nagged and played with me. I stopped and a huge gorgeous heron was sitting in the middle of the river. I watched as it gracefully flew away. I knew that I was meant to go to Pomroy's anyway. I went there and didn't look for anything. Not for an apple, blackberries or mushrooms to eat, not for a sign. I just went there and felt good. On the platform/pyramid, there are three spruce trees growing, strangely as if they were planted on each corner. One on corner the roots have such wonderful character, this is the tree that you can climb. If you climb it in the wind it feels like you're one with the tree and you can feel the ever-so-subtle vibration of the tree swaying in the wind. Someone had dug a hole metal detecting on the platform and barely bothered to throw the sod back over it. Yesterday I went to the smallest spruce and touched it with both hands, closed my eyes and kissed it. When I opened my eyes I saw that where I kissed it was red paint, old graffiti art almost all worn away with time. How lovingly mother nature takes disrespect. Last night as I was falling asleep I had a lucid dream, describing and translating it perverts it but I am not above that kind of thing. I was God and I was trying to figure out how to have a good time and stop being so lonely being me. So I split myself into a group of kids running around laughing with each other and getting into fights, completely oblivious that their separation was an illusion. Then I knew that if one of the kids stopped running around and watched the others, that they would realize the illusion. Then I knew that by excluding himself from the action, he would remain separate. Only when he rejoined the others with his realization be complete. I saw the perfection of forgetting and realizing. I saw the perfection of the back and forth. Today was a blur of throwing a 7 year old's birthday party busyness. After I went for a run to shake off the stress of it. I didn't go far and was told "turn around". 11 year old me loved the number 3, thought the colors red and white were incredibly symbolic to Christ, and had a Buddhist sewing teacher who taught her that she could be an artist. 11 year old me ran and took running very seriously and when she ran she sometimes got obsessive compulsive impulses. One more lap, they'd say, then again ONE more lap. 11 year old me wanted to WIN a race so badly. That Fall 11 year old me, tiny for her age and shorter than the rest of the girls, won the first race of the season. I remember where it was, on the Indian Reservation, along the ocean. Before every single race, my mom packed me an apple and I ate an apple before every race. That tradition continued into highschool. I turned around and was lead to going up a road I never have run down. My Buddhist sewing teacher when i was 11 recently posted on facebook a huge harvest of quince. I was really curious and wanted to try some. As I went to run up the road I saw beautiful pears growing along the little park where I found the monarch butterflies, then caterpillars all through impulse to go there. This park is where a school house once stood and was turned into a little park, that no one ever goes to. When I went back I picked the pears and realized they were quince. https://www.thekitchn.com/quince-tough-fall-fruit-with-a-secret-reward-ingredient-intelligence-73041 When I got back I got another impulse, to go visit Rocky. The old apple tree I buried him under has the deepest red apples. I usually make applesauce out of them but I didn't this year. I sat over his grave and cried and lots of thoughts about not being the best pet owner and wishing I'd been more conscious throughout his life came up. I was told that the only death I was mourning was my own. Then I noticed an enormous spruce tree right there, its roots with as much character as the one on Pomroy's platform pyramid. I never noticed birds before and I never liked spruce trees. I didn't know what quince were. Nature itself is truly our own creation and it's creating us. I just completed a very odd impulse train. I was thinking about the death of a cross country runner at a race I ran, 16 years ago. He collapsed off the trail and died and they ran my race and another before they even found him. I was going to go into the odd connections there but there's no use trying to explain it. Anyway the guy who I believe awakened Pomroy is from the city where that happened and I've been thinking about going there and researching him off and on all summer. So I googled him and an article compared him with Johnny Appleseed. So in researching Johnny Appleseed I found a mention of this book. https://www.amazon.com/Red-Garden-Alice-Hoffman-ebook/dp/B004J4WL6O/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+red+garden&qid=1570407013&sr=8-1

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed going into blaming/"othering" mental stories. 2. When I notice and become aware of feeling inadequate before going into stories to blame others, I stop and breath. 3. I am conscious that reinforcing my belief in other through stories and judgement makes me miss the opportunity to forgive myself. 4. This is why from now on, I am committed to seeing myself in others and stopping the conflict within myself as it arises.

Have desire. Follow the desire. Discover what desire actually is.

@The Don You can't let go of who you are. You can only let go of an idea about something. The reason I let go of it was because I started to believe that it was all bullshit, I was oh so right and oh so very wrong at the same time.

I did it by saying "fuck it" to enlightenment and going after the things I wanted. The Law of Attraction and my increasing awareness and understanding of it mysteriously made its way into my life in unique ways at the same time this was happening. What I realized was that the only way to let go of desire was to embrace it, FULLY until it became apparent that the desire didn't come from me and there was no me.

@tsuki I'm curious, did you ever read the recipe section at the back of Dr.Pomroy's book?

@DrewNows Thank you! Making the video and contemplation after and how I'm speaking to myself in addition to reading this thread triggered something and re-framed my intentions. @Zigzag Idiot Thank you! That book looks AMAZING. I saved it in my amazon cart. This morning during meditation I started crying and that continued off and on throughout the day. I'm not sure if it was triggered by what I mentioned previously, not that triggers matter I guess. A week or two ago I looked at the flyer ads at the grocery store and saw an ad for "Jackabee" puppies. That's one of the last combinations of breeds (jack russel and beagle) that I want. It really stuck in my mind though. Later I had a dream about going to their house. The feelings that were involved in the dream really affected me and the next day I was looking for puppies and saw a listing for some Vizsla cross puppies. I've been hoping to rescue a dog or get a mixed breed puppy but nothing seemed right and no opportunities came up. I knew when I saw them that THAT was what I wanted. I thought that it was just an accidental litter and spent all night not sleeping great and trying to figure out how I could make the trip to get one. But when I googled the phone number the next morning I found out that the seller ran a puppy mill and sold imported puppies from God knows where. But I had clarified my desire. I found a caring Vizsla breeder closer to home with puppies expected mid-month and sent in an application and deposit. I told my Mom about it, thinking she would think I was irresponsible for wanting to take on the responsibility. Instead she was very happy about it. When I talked to my husband about it he said that he was just waiting for me to be ready to get a dog and didn't want to pressure me to take on another responsibility. I realized how irresponsible and flaky and afraid of commitment I've been since this spring, and how loving and patient everyone has been with me and cried about that. Today the breeder let me know that she accepted our application and we are second in line for a male pup. I cried when I got her message. Fingers crossed everything goes well.

For some strange reason if you post the link of a suggested video it will show as a suggested video for other people's account. For me the video is "Family Paw Patrol Captain America", because I have a three year old.

@Koyaanisqatsi Amazing thread, thank you. The "rewinds" that you mentioned have been happening to me recently, but I hadn't thought of "purposefully" using them. I'm curious if you experienced anything you'd describe in terms of integrating heart and mind. I believe that awakening could be thought of as a dramatic opening of both mind and heart. I can only assume and have ideas about what happens at the end of the path.

I want to copy Peter Ralston's facial expressions and use them randomly throughout my videos. #goals

@remember Whew. Gonna have to sleep on that one. I still feel like rather than holding up a sign saying "REPENT YOU MOTHER-FUCKERS!", the Divine feminine would seduce and enchant, and much like a magic mushroom lead a yet-to-be-integrated man on a beautiful enlightening yet terrifying trip. After all free choice was an idea that came from the snake, and the snake spoke to Eve first. This "battle" occurs in only one place, our own psyche. I have to say though, tapping into it beyond just its personal manifestation is something else. It's beyond me.

I discovered that same story/analogy studying gnostic Christianity. In the analogy I read, the feminine or creative path "ends" by giving birth to a "male" (the masculine flowering and becoming awake in the psyche) child (your life purpose), then raising that child until it becomes an independent life of its own. What's going on here is that the feminine is not "enslaved" though it appears that way, it just isn't understood, recognized or experienced. "Passion" is symbolized by red and the snake or the red dragon, it rises from below like kundalini energy. "Grace" falls from the sky, (moves down through the chakras) and is symbolized by a lightning bolt. Being filled with one without the other creates hell. Hitler was an example of someone who was full of "grace" with no feminine spiritual energy to speak of, at least after he gave up painting that is. It's the balance and free flow of power from both that we seek. The "Holy Grail" or the meaning of the miracle of turning water into wine, is becoming a vessel that is filled with "grace" and then with the addition of "passion", the water turns to wine. Everyone's spiritual journey is about opening to and balancing both powers. This is why women and creative types so often don't need psychedelics, they are full of that energy to begin with, they seek to understand and channel this power. Think about how Leo had an insight to plug DMT, and how chakras correspond with that insight, "feminine" spiritual energy rises from below. What you sense happening in this community is that many here only recognize the power of "Grace" and they don't understand why exactly they benefit from the use of psychedelics, or the power through which they work. They still think embodying the feminine is only about being sweet, accepting and motherly. The Christian church saw the spiritual power of "Passion" to be evil and demonic, and only recognized the power of Grace. In fact nearly all religions only recognize "Grace". They turn religion into a logical, hierarchical, materialist rule based thing. Naturally, only men were allowed positions of power. Pagan or Wiccan traditions lean too heavily to "Passion" and so are very connected with the earth and feminine power, yet don't often manage to channel that power or organize themselves enough to manifest change and have influence.

Infatuation is one of the most striking, unignorable forms of love that life has to offer. When you have the potential to become infatuated with the sky, a tree or a flower you may experience what a relationship without goals, survival or ego can be. You can also understand that infatuation is simply recognizing oneself in something, it is simply a spectacularly strong wave on the ocean made out of love. That doesn't mean however, that great things can't come from it. Sometimes you ride the wave, sometimes it knocks you over, sometimes you simply watch the waves crash to shore from the safety of the beach.

You can't, but you can rest in the space between the words.

She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me!!! Please elaborate. I know exactly what you're saying, but you're going about it this all wrong.

@remember The hero's journey is only one half of the journey, and half of the story. But because of that it's probably more important and powerful for women to watch that video than for men.

Was Frodo happy most of the time in The Lord of the Rings? Was Harry Potter happy through most of the seven books in the series? You didn't come to be happy, you came for an adventure. Enlightenment is realizing that you are the authors and all characters from the story, wisdom is knowing that for the story to be told it must happen from a certain perspective within the illusion of time.

@Zigzag Idiot I enjoyed the documentary, I used to talk on my cell phone a lot more often and it actually felt like it was hurting me. I assumed I was an insane hypochondriac, but who knows. I was really interested when they started talking about the pineal gland and the cells in the eyes. I'm also fascinated by what sunlight has to do with this. I feel really distracted when I'm in my house, and I'm not sure if it's because it's always a chaotic mess and I work from home and I can't relax or maybe it's because of all the electromagnetic interference and electronics. This spring and summer spending time outside has become almost compulsion like for me. I just responded in a thread about depression. It seems like the more conscious on becomes or the more conscious they are born the more sensitive they are to things. In recent years I got really interested in blue zones and wanted to figure out some way to move to one. I HATE vehicles. I love driving but I hate what they've done to our lives. Walking and having a community of walking is so important for happiness. Just being able to bump into people and have spontaneous short conversations is fundamental to happiness. I HATE the fact that families are so segregated and that we raise our kids in isolation. I hate the fact that we eat alone. Of course everyone overeats! When I had meals at my parents house I never overate because conversation was rich. Now at home I often try to get that same satisfaction from food. We are told that if we feel lonely we aren't independent enough. It's fucking bullshit. We were meant to live as a tribe and live in close connection with nature. We live in the worst sort of dark ages in so many ways. Sorry for the rant, that's been on my mind a lot lately. Ok, for years. @DrewNows Cow manure is black gold. Smells like springtime. This year I used different compost in my garden and it wasn't a good idea. Just a warning though, psilocybin, I believe, is very dangerous to try to identify yourself. Even if you were completely sure of yourself the next hurdle would be proper dosage.

I think it's really important to have an arsenal of tools for dealing with depression. Make a list of things that make you happy and raise your mood. Consciousness and sensitivity go hand in hand. It's popular to call yourself an empath nowadays, but it goes deeper than that. We are building our sensitivity by meditating, and we also need to understand what those sensations are telling us or guiding us to. Sometimes they get ahead of us, and it's important to take a step back and contemplate why. I really appreciate Abraham Hicks, and the Law of Attraction is the most recent tool I've added, and it also explains why all the other tools I've had for longer worked so well. It's important once you've stopped overthinking to bring in another element to the mix which is understanding how to think positively without it becoming dogma, fake or forced. This is the same realization that God is Love, and everything is love and made of love, that energy is the building block of the universe and so we are learning to align with it. I've noticed that on a practical day to day level, I don't get away with the same things other people around me do. If I let my diet slip it really affects my energy severely and i get depressed quickly. If it's winter I take vitamin D and also try to get sunlight whenever possible. I strictly limit sugar intake and make sure I get at least 3 servings of veggies a day, generally a lot more than that. Exercise everyday. Make time for friends or in person social interaction. Try to make sure you check all those boxes off, or find the ones that you personally need.

@DrewNows His videos are top notch and I appreciate that he lives in a climate very similar to mine. I did believe the myth that touching a poisonous mushroom was risky, so I'm glad to be rid of that fear. Some of those myths are pretty strange. His video is the one I trusted enough to identify the chanterelles. I found some yesterday at my parent's place. I'm not sure I'll venture out to identify many more. I once bought a huge load manure for my garden and it was full of what i believe are magic mushrooms. Cows ARE holy! Gave up my vision of a peaceful clean home and simple life and the hunt for a puppy is ON. Wish Shin was still here.

I had a pretty spectacular/transformational/disruptive to day to day life awakening at the start of April. I feel like I'll spend the rest of my life integrating it, and at the same time it never happened. For some reason, I feel the need to tell the story of it. I don't know if that's right or wrong but if I've learned one thing it's to follow my impulses. It will probably take me several posts. "There are no signs. They are all signs. There are no sacred places. They are all sacred places. There is no story to write. There are no stories." I must confess, I am a story teller. I invite you to come sit around the campfire, but only if you like stories. You see, stories are like psychedelics when you get properly lost in them. The classic books and the most beloved stories are full of pointers. Moby Dick, Humpty Dumpty, Sleeping Beauty... the stories of Jesus, Buddha, and the list goes on, all are pointers to nonduality. Your own life is just a story. It is very special because it happened on this physical plane, and you are the author of your life. Before you can see fully how special it really is, you have to disregard it as nothing. It is so meaningless that the meaning is profound beyond words. The stories we call fiction are downloads from Source. There is only one creative mind and so all creativity that flows through a person is a download from this mind. All tropes are from this mind. For me the duality between truth and fiction is forever lost. No biography of any person who actually lived can ever be accurate. It's only a gross account of something that happened. It's like a cop gathering witness accounts of an accident or a crime, we spin things into stories as we remember them. This is always the case. My awakening happened here on the forum in the journal section with the help of another member or two (an unknowingly the entire forum). I started having a lot of conversations with this member and had an insight/impulse to metaphorically offer him an apple. That was the start of my descent into the rabbit hole of fairytale, Biblical storyland. This is a post I saved from my now deleted journal, this post set the ball rolling. "I don't know. I don't know what's on the other side. AH, you're so compellingly frustrating, a book I can't put down as obligations I'm neglecting pile around me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't know where this energy comes from. It drives me. I have no control. I have a story of something that recently happened to me that I can't let go of. I don't know why I can't let go of it. It drives me mad. Why am I so attached? I've told it to a few people as if I'm looking for something from them but no one really has anything to say. It seems more like a story I've made up rather than something that actually happened. I had a business and had a lot of success at the start and bought a house almost 10 years ago. I was only 20 and I made the decision completely on emotion. It was an old house in a ghost town and I didn't have any idea how much work would be involved. I cursed myself and the decision for years until I made peace with it and then we were finally able to finish the work on it. But when I first saw this house, driving up to it I had this feeling like I was entering another world. There was something compelling about it. Fast forward to last year and I am looking for somewhere nearby to take my kids to play. I start taking them to this spot by the river. Every single time we go I experience presence but there's this energy there too in addition. Something about the place burns itself into my mind and I keep going back and going back. Every time the river offers up something new. It is the perfect illustration to me of the saying that you cannot step into the same river twice. On a whim I take my daughter for a walk in the stroller through the cemetery. When I was a kid my parents caretook a cemetery and I had to spend every weekend and time after school helping them. It was on a hill overlooking a lake, incredibly beautiful. I love cemeteries and have no negative or spooky feelings from them. In this poor town, there was only one notable doctor resident who is buried there. He lived in the 1800's and was famous for his use of herbal medicines. His monument is massive and the entire lot is covered in beautiful stone with heavy granite urns. I put on the stroller brakes and go up to read inscriptions on the stone. I must have not been careful enough, even though I've done this thousands of times. My daughter goes flying down the hill and I sprint after her as fast as I can just barely catching her before she crashed into some other gravestones. I leave the cemetery slightly, just slightly spooked. I don't go back until fall. When I do I visit there is only one plant growing on the entire stone covered lot. It's a beautiful plant with red berries, but plant nerd that I am I recognize it as poison nightshade. Why is the only thing growing on an herbal healers grave poison nightshade? I go back to visit his grave one more time, again with my daughter. This time I don't trust the stroller and I take her out and bring her up with me to read the inscriptions on his stone. My daughter gets really unhappy and I have to leave with her. After we've gone too far to go back she realizes that she threw off her mittens somewhere and screams "MY MITTENS", over and over again all the way home. So I keep thinking about this doctor and I remember that my friend and I discovered he had written his recipes down in a book. An impulse comes to me to look for it and it feels good. I remember sitting at my computer trying to remember what exactly the impulse was because all I could remember was having one but not what it was. It came back to me and I searched for his book. I find that now a library has added it as public domain and I can read it for free, right then online. It's not just some bizarre herbal recipes. It's his entire story. He wasn't actually a doctor. He was clairvoyant. It describes his communion with nature and how his powers came about and his battle with self interest. I find the book the most compelling thing I've ever read in my life. It has so many parallels to my life and things I was thinking about. Out on a run I decide to go back to his grave. The ground is covered in a small amount of wet snow and as I finally read the inscriptions on the stone undistracted this time, I see that exactly where I stepped is one of my daughter's mittens. Later I happen upon a facebook post in an abandoned places group I'm a part of, from someone who went to see the foundation where his summer mansion once stood. I go to find it for myself and it overlooks the very spot on the river I was so drawn to. I now make a habit of sitting on the old massive granite blocks and clearing my mind. I've had three major insights there. Last week I went back to his grave and there was my daughter's other mitten directly on his grave. I sat there in the sun and meditated on the warmth and unfailing love of peace. " Shortly after this entry, insights started barraging me, and I continued to not sleep or eat except for the bare minimum I could function on. It felt like I was possessed. Synchronicity started becoming intense. Every song on the radio had a message for me. I accused the other member of being like a little boy who won't eat his Easter bunny because he doesn't want to ruin it. I had an impulse to check a free library box and in it I found a half eaten Easter bunny and a book about how you create your reality. The duality between intuition, impulses that felt good and my obsessive compulsive impulses I had had as a child dissolved. "I feel better, I did something I had negative obsessive compulsive thoughts about doing, realized it was a thwarted impulse and realized I needed to take action. Pieces of the puzzle are still coming together after the fact, my previous minor fixations of the past month, pleasures and demons both all have come together. Another amazing storyline from my life that came together so beautifully for me recently was the catalyst of all this feminine energy realization. I had recorded a video and I said that I used to be obsessive compulsive when I was a child but that's not true. I've always been obsessive compulsive. Except it's not a problem I can throw away. It's my power. " Everything I ever loved, all the symbols and my love for lions came together in beautiful realizations of nonduality. The doctor had a lion statue in front of his house. I also became conscious of the power of symbols I had paid no mind to and realized that the grave of the doctor was covered in pyramid shapes. He had been a stone mason before he awakened to his clairvoyant powers. Every painful and traumatic event in my life was seen through the eyes of an author who dreamed it up it for greater good and out of love for her character. I got reminded of the book that I always wanted to write and I realized that the idea was a prophetic analogy of my life, yet I was still learning the lessons the character was supposed to learn and so I could not actually write it. "It's been in my head for 6+ years. But writing it always seemed like work. Until now. Now it feels like it could just happen. My friend and I explored the town I lived in shortly after I moved here. I'll tell you more about her later because she's really important. She has no fear about anything, I do, and at that time was absolutely controlled by it. We drove almost all the way down a dead end road, where the river at some point stops being a river and starts being ocean and you come out to the point. As you drive the road gets narrower and less of a road and there's a sense of fear and foreboding even as you drive. There have even been more bizarre problems with domestic violence down there than you'd think for the number of people that live there. Someone got shot a few years ago. So me and my friend see this massive old abandoned house down a gated road on the river which this far down is part ocean and part river. I'm already spooked and she insists on driving in. We can't tell if the door is pitch black or wide open and we get closer and closer and are both afraid now but driven by curiosity. There was no door. We were looking at blackness inside the house. We went back to the place later and went inside. The spirit of the place. I can't even. It was vandalized. But wild roses like grow by the ocean here were growing all up the wall and wildflowers of all kinds and colors up all around as grow in a neglected field in late summer. I remember that the moon was in the sky overhead. I had a photo with it all, but I lost it. They burned the house since. That's the place I drove back to last night, but the house is gone and now there's a no trespassing sign. This is the story I had in my head. I don't have much, just a basic outline. A girl/woman, not sure of the age yet, is raised in a fundamentalist Christian home but has a wild spiritual connection regardless of her beliefs. She is thrown out of her family for something she does (this actually happened to my husband, and that something was me) and seeks solitude in this desolate abandoned house. But instead of solitude, she finds a man there who is seeking enlightenment in solitude. And together they find what they find what they seek." I didn't believe in chakras at the time, and I didn't know about kundalini energy but I started having strange and bizarre pains in my body. I kept going back and forth between the remains of the doctors house and home to write in my journal. I discovered a platform by his house with steps leading up to it and trees growing at the corners. "There's still this energy that burns through me. Then a cold that chills through my bones. We are the warmth of the sun. We are the still waters that run deep. You give me clarity. It's as if we were tennis players, so in the flow of the game that it would be silly to ask which one of us has the ball. It's moving back and forth so fast that no one can fixate on it. There is no ball. And so it is with the world of form and formless. The vibration of energy between them is moving so fast...that it stays in place because there is no time." To Be Continued.

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked. “Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” “How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice. “You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.” “Who are YOU?” said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I–I hardly know, sir, just at present– at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.” Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.” “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

Moby Dick.

OHHH! THAT'S the cliff from the story! I knew one of the scenes I wanted to write was when they go out on a cliff to watch the lightning, but there aren't any cliffs in the area I wanted it to take place in and I couldn't picture where it would happen. Past, future, fantasy, I don't even know anymore!!!