mandyjw

And just as I finished typing that someone shot off a bottle rocket right nearby and I said it again.

@Nahm Jesus! I've always tried so hard not to say Jesus as a swear, Christian upbringing and lots of shame about that you know... and the past week or so it's awful, for whatever reason I got in the habit of saying Jesus all the time. I have no idea WHERE this is coming from. Today I was particularly short tempered and spilled my kid's skelleton Halloween candy bucket all over the floor and yelled "Jesus!" ? I know that no one cares but I used to such a sane, practical, skeptical, normal person. Or maybe I'm not remembering quite right.

Thanks for sharing, this is a topic that I've been contemplating lately. It seems like the first realization of there being nothing but the present moment or no time rather... continually gets deeper and more inclusive. I particularly like insight that memory is seen as a certain perspective and therefore we can question and choose the perspective.

@dimitri Thank you. ? I usually think of sychronicity as things like seeing butterflies and rainbows and often it is like that. I guess it can be threatening to accept that all of life, light and dark, birth and death, is all part of it. @Esoteric @Meta-Man ❤ @zeroISinfinityzeroISinfinity thank you I thought I had decided but apparently I love drama and suprising myself. @Nahm who? That's a unique way of phrasing the question. Can't I blame God for that one? The answer is yes but I hadn't thoroughly considered the implications of what that meant when it comes to death.

@tsuki I know, it was just something that wanted to be said. Time is less of an issue than direction or intention.

Brilliant.

Ah see, she's demanding that you be present, it's like trial under fire. Now you have a taste of what all this boring " sitting with yourself" work is preparing you for. It may help to see that on one level outside the story, and that's the level that the fear is coming from... you don't actually want her, you want something much deeper than that, something that you already are. The idea of pleasing her or losing her is a fiction based on you forgetting your already fulfilled nature. She and you are just wearing masks. What is it beyond the mask? That's the desire that each of you so desperately wishes to see. You will, its inevitable, in fact it's already done. No matter what happens with her, even if it turns out to be a devastating or embarrassing experience it cannot ever keep you from what you desire. Once you realize this on a deep level, you can let go of the things that block you from experiencing the manifestation on the level of form. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. On a practical level, make time to do everything that helps you be the best form of you, listen to music that puts you in the zone, exercise, go to a certain place, whatever that is for you. That will help you get out of the story and more alignment with what she (you) are asking for.

We got a bad storm, and we don't have power right now. I looked out back and my magnificently tall old spruce tree that I just met and appreciated days ago has split clean off at the level I touched it, and crashed into my apple tree, breaking off a limb and covering Rocky's grave.

I was looking for a title for a new journal and manifested it as I pulled a copy of "The Giving Tree" off my son's bookshelves last night. My mom gave it to us and I forgot we had it and had never read it. I read it to my daughter and it blew my mind and I still don't think I understand it fully. Of course it's about an apple tree. I was up in the night calling poison control because my daughter woke up and threw up in the middle of our bed and I remember that she brought me a toothpaste tube earlier. The person on the line said that she was fine and asked if it was the "Silly Strawberry". "HOW DID YOU KNOW?" I asked. "Well you called the number on the back of the toothpaste and we only have two flavors." "Oh." The other flavor must taste disgusting. So, she has the stomach flu. I wonder why I create such things. I think maybe to remind myself that it's easy to fall into solipsism around here these days. Surprise, for good or for bad is built into this life. Life is happening for us. We're all fighting to maintain a center of a paradox. All truths are paradoxical, they aren't truths at all. That is what is meant by Truth. We're fighting for a center that doesn't exist. We're fighting for a wisdom that is foolish. We're fighting for peace. Drop the fight and there you are.

I think you're looking too much on the surface to understand the issue, when the real issue is less personal and less about you, your past or her herself, instead it's more of a tale that's as old as time. I would try to step outside the thoughts of you and her for a moment to try to understand what's going on in a much more general way. Attraction/falling in love is the most powerful illustration of how the law of attraction works outside of a mystical experience, because we only see the best in each other and are blind to everything else. Most people say that this is losing your mind or dumb in love, but yet that's the reality we all long for. The thing is that we live our lives seeing both the good and the bad, going back and forth and living in a kind of flat state of emotion and desire, so when we get a glimpse of this power, it can be really scary. She sees you and only sees the positive It's the stage of the relationship where no one is going to notice if your feet smell or if your laugh is a little bit annoying. She sees you in those moments clearly... but you aren't ready to believe and open to what it is that she sees, you are afraid of yourself without all the limitations we falsely believe in to obscure that light. You translate this to you being afraid of her desire. Her power, that energy you sense in her eyes is your own power reflected to you, or rather it is shared power and owned by no one. Some people reflect that power back to us very clearly, we resonate with them in a deep way. I'm guessing she is the first person you've met who does this to that extent and it's new to you, so it's unsettling. When love/desire and fear get all mixed up like that, you know that something really important is going on. Remember that we can only ever be afraid of ourselves. Try not to overthink it, but go into the experience for what it is in the moment.

Could it be that you're afraid of living up to what it is that she sees in you?

There's a difference between building great habits and strengths and building up one's IDEA of those great habits and strengths. A person who possesses them does not have to define himself by them. Occasionally you may need to let go of a strength to see who you really are, maybe by choice of maybe because life makes you. But we can learn to maintain, build and fully appreciate a talent or strength we have knowing that the I it sometimes appears to be moving through is an illusion.

The moon is the master of shadows. A gift that is misdirected and misunderstood can feel like a curse. Have you noticed the major problem that we have here? There's no way for people to really do shadow work. Psychotherapists aren't awake, maybe they aren't even spiritual or they are focused on dealing with major life problems. They are too expensive or inaccessible for most people. Leo doesn't even acknowledge the necessity of shadow work, or recognize this massive problem yet, and Winterknight wouldn't have left if Leo had been aware. This is a situation that so powerfully DESIRES a solution. I can only point to the moon.

Is it up to us though, are we free to make that choice? I believe that we are but it feels a lot like rather than a choice that there's a wall of fear/desire that needs to be loved through. Letting go of the idea of siddhis felt good, but the idea itself is the only thing that can be let go of. I saw God and God is terrifying. I need God to sit on THAT side of the wall for a little bit and I'll love God and God will love me with the wall between us for a little bit until I get my courage back. In my case I'm very conscious that there's a wall and that I put it there. That doesn't mean that God doesn't also work through subtle under the radar ordinary ways though.

Of course, if only I can love myself, who am I? If love cannot be given or received how can there be a giver or a receiver at all?

Love is the negation that can't be negated. Lately I've struggled with feeling unloved, the same feeling as hitting the wall. This morning I was trying to contemplate my way through the feelings. I was first thinking about masks, and I was ready to get up, and my little girl woke up and I brought her into our bed and settled down again until she fell back asleep so I could get up myself. She almost always takes a stuffed animal with her but this morning, she had one thing, a mask my sister just gave her Monday. A couple days ago, we went on a trip with the kids and the drive home was long. I've always been as I'm able, completely honest with my husband. I talked about the sensations in my forehead and the awakening and he made a comment that "I got through it", as if to him it was a psychotic break or some kind. I don't think this is what he meant, but that fear that it was a psychotic break, that I am crazy triggered me to face that wall. Why else can't I tell the story without feeling crazy? Then he said his quote that he's said so many times that it annoys me "Assume everything you know to be true is false" and told me to apply it to my beliefs about love, and the beliefs that Leo speaks about with love being everything. Ooooohh that hurt. THAT belief did not want to go. It's funny, I used to use the password truthlove for everything unimportant ever since we were teenagers and he would use the password idontknow. So this morning I was contemplating, not thinking about what my husband said but trying to figure out why I felt unloved. It struck me that they idea of love coming from outside myself was a complete lie, and that only I could love myself. This realization really hurts when you are facing a wall. It is the negation of love. We think of love as something we give and receive but truly it's not. You tune in and lose yourself or you tune out and see the masks and face the wall. Even that differentiation, tuned in and tuned out, can be negated. Love is the negation itself that can't be negated.

Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice. Robert Frost “This is your world You’re the creator Find freedom on this canvas Believe, that you can do it, ‘Cuz you can do it. You can do it.” ― Bob Ross "And in your world you put as many or as few trees as you want. It's up to you, totally and completely up to you." Bob Ross

Apparently, God created a mind just so he could fuck with it. I used to think these analogies were so crude and unnecessary, but everything else seems like a circle jerk. "We dance round in a ring and suppose, But the Secret sits in the middle and knows. " -Robert Frost

I think it means now is forever.

I always assumed it meant open or something like it, I'm not sure why I remembered it that way. I feel like my memory has turned into the ultimate trickster. Here's something else I think I remember, tsuki means thrust and nahm means take. @remember What does it mean to remember?

Because it feels good. Commitment allows you freedom in other areas in life. Committing to my marriage, job and location has given me security, which in turn means freedom, time and space to experience the things I love. I'm more interested in exploring nature, creativity, meditation and spirituality and the little things around me than experiencing other places and people. I can be married to the same man my entire life and never really know him. I can live in the same little town and never fully explore the entire space or get to know all the people living in it. I can do the same job and never fully master it. Mystery is inherent in life, if you feel stuck or bored you aren't looking deep enough. Wherever you go, whoever you sleep with, whatever you do, there you are. It's like the sand mandalas the monks make, there's something beautiful about making something incredible, knowing that it's just going to exist for a short time. If I knew everything I build or did was permanent, I'd be too concerned about my legacy to have full freedom to create.

God, the moon has been beautiful these past few nights, I'm supposed to be meditating but it's staring at me right now through the window. What is the meaning of your avatar again? Didn't nowisforever draw it? Before all of this happened and whether it was good or bad or even happened at all, I sat down and wrote out a list of things I wanted. It was after reading the surrendered/empowered wife book, and before that book desire was a dirty word to me. There was one thing that came out of the list, or rather came out of myself turning that mode back on again that floored me, "I want to move away" and the universe emphatically said "NO". Out of that practice also came watching lana del rey music videos with no understanding of why, and making youtube videos about spirituality, which drew me to the forum. There were two lists, one was small things I wanted to do during the day to raise my mood and take care of myself and take responsibility for my own happiness. The other was big wants and desires in life. If you want, make a list or two with pen and paper be completely honest, show no one.

My mom bought my kids glowsticks a long time ago and my daughters was a butterfly wand, and she liked it so much that we kept it even though it no longer glows. A few nights ago my kids fought over the wand and my son kept pointing at me and saying "dead!" and my daughter would take it and say "alive!" and I would play dead or spring back to life on command each time. Eventually they got so wound up that they started smacking me over the head with the wand and going back and forth so fast that I no longer knew if I was supposed to be playing dead or alive. Last night my daughter found my son's wolf winter hat and wore it over her head like a mask and pretended to be a wolf. I was tired and the simplistic eyes freaked me out the realization of symbolism and reality as a collapsing duality hit me and I saw the mask as real. Then she took her mask off and I realized that our faces are just masks. I remember the quote from Moby Dick that Pretom had said, when he told me in a PM to "strike through the masks." "Hark ye yet again,—the little lower layer. All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event—in the living act, the undoubted deed—there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If man will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white whale is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there’s naught beyond." Moby Dick And there's my wall.

My God, MY GOD suffering is a choice. That was what was left in the text box here from a couple days ago. It's a message I needed to see now. I seem to have hit a wall of frustration. In fact, what's really fucking frustrating is that the wall is imaginary. If there was a wall, I'd know where I was. "Oh my God, I hit a wall! What shall I do now? Perhaps I can climb over it, go around it, maybe I can dig UNDER it?" Nope. There's no wall. I just feels like there's a wall. It's like Terrence McKenna said about telling people about how this magical sand helped scrub the stuck stuff off the pots and pans, so he took someone to show and it failed to work and they looked at him like they felt sorry for him. I want to settle on something. I don't want to be groundless. I want to know the right advice to give, I want to know the right course of action, I want to have values and morals to live by. I enjoyed building the sandcastle, I enjoyed the feeling of sand slipping through my fingers. I enjoyed watching the tide come in and wash it all away. Now it's just really fucking cold, standing here on the beach all alone in the cold autumn wind. Time to pack up and go home. Don't mind my drama, it's also just imaginary with no meaning whatsoever behind it.