mandyjw

LOVE ITSELF IS CREATED MEANING! That's what THIS is!!! OF COURSE it's possible to see love in something as mundane and everyday as numbers. If you deny meaning you also deny love behind creation, if you get stuck on the meaning you also miss the love. Like the nature of nonduality, meaning itself cannot be accepted or denied, it is you.

There's no done. And...it's already done. The author of a book is living their happily ever after, dreaming and creating a story, even though they might write harrowing or torturous scenes they love their characters as an aspect of themselves and their imagination the entire time. As Alan Watts said, but summarized in my own words, the Christian idea of heaven is boring AF. You came for this. Maybe your story has a happy ending where all the pieces fall into place, or maybe there are questions left unanswered, you're the author. Don't judge a book by its ending.

@Rasheed Gifts and scavenger hunt notes from you to you. When I was little my sister and I used to love hiding little animals and toys in the sand for us to forget about and discover later. This is your/God's sandbox. If you can get a lot of time in nature it's the most amazing breeding ground for those sort of gifts or reminders.

@Rasheed When you are in alignment, numbers align, stars align, it's all you.

You make the meaning. This is not a dismissal of the meaning, it's quite the opposite.

That's the miracle of creation. There seems to be a somebody or a something with a background story and a future dream, plan or trajectory.

How do you exist in the first place? That question is just as unanswerable as the God one. When you see that you don't, and yet, here THIS is, the God question gets answered in a beautifully non answerable way too. It's the same question being asked, by the same asker.

Just throwing this out there, it's interesting that you do cocaine because you want to connect with your brother and his friends, and perhaps when you are high this desire or intention for connection can only be interpreted in a very base sexual way? Is it possible that you have a desire to build an honest relationship with your brother or other male friends? Something tells me that while your relationship with your brother is a close one, it is not an honestly close one because he would understand and honor your desires for a better life and self actualization more than partying. @Surfingthewave Has some great suggestions. Focus on self love and self care. Your thoughts are weaving a lot of story lines about being unworthy that are not in any way true. Art, nature, meditation, running, yoga, music, comedy or anything healthy you love that puts you into a different positive state are the best tools to interrupt these thoughts. Make a conscious resolution not to entertain these thoughts anymore. The need to connect and engage with things we don't actually chose to connect with will go away if we can allow ourselves to truly connect with ourselves. You are worthy of love. No thought that says otherwise is true.

We don't get to let go of the things we don't want. There is no you to let go of them. Hint, the OCD and fears is deepest unignorable guidance. It so desperately wants you to be free, (because it is your higher self knowing what you want most), it makes you too uncomfortable to settle for less. What is letting go in a world of love where every challenge and bad experience is a clarifying, character defining, motivating moment to make you go in the direction you must go? You are not a character in a story, you play a character, but you are the author. The author puts challenges and limitations in front of the character she created out of love. When they are loved as part of the story, there is no need to let go, to sort through your emmories and chose the ones you like and the one's you do not. It is the death of the limited character who judges between good and bad, wanted and unwanted. He then wakes up to see that what he wants is the entirety, and the limitations and scars in his backstory. Then he is free to consciously dream and guide his story as both author and character. By the way, the only way you can be conscious of a dark night at all is because you are the light.

Interesting topic. Think and Grow Rich was written in 1937, at that time opportunities for women to take the lead or go it on their own in business were pretty much non-existent. The only way to mask and also fulfill your ambition would be to find a man to support or be the face of your endeavors. Still works today. In my opinion women are more accepting of others taking the credit if need be, but no less ambitious about making real change for the better.

The first time I felt like I was really slipping, I gave up and engaged with life more, let myself do things I thought were low consciousness. By doing this I ended up accidentally becoming conscious of the law of attraction and at the same time it felt like it was becoming conscious of me. Then everything blew up and came together in a really freaky/cool way, and after I could see that the low consciousness activities I had chosen were strangely prophetic and deeply spiritual in their own way. I just thought (prejudged) that because I enjoyed them and there was no real "purpose" that they were a waste of time. If I were you I'd re-examine how you define spiritual "work", and your dedication to it. Spirituality doesn't want to just sleep in your bed with you like you've had an arranged marriage with it, it needs to be a passionate love affair. Powerful attraction to it must overcome the mind's trying to make sense of it.

True shadow work goes after your deepest "pain points" but from a place of expansive love and understanding. We think of death as a loss or a ceasing to be "you", but in order for death to occur at all there must be a you to die. Death is more of an experience of finally accepting (with love) the things you had always resisted that were always a part of you. This is what is meant by there is no death. Death = Self Love = the truth of no self, you include everything. Paradoxically on the path there is stuff that is experienced that is seemingly"not it". If there was not stuff that felt like it was not it (ie felt bad) there could not be the experience of discovery, a path or a transformation at all. Regarding the life purpose stuff, your purpose of exploring can be expanded to include exploring which living options leave you the most freedom to explore, it's all exploring in itself. I live in a rural area and I'm pretty amazed how easy survival seems in comparison with more developed areas. You can live in a trailer, camper or small home with your own well and electricity, even have a good bit of land and be completely free with very little savings or regular income. So many of our needs and wants are far from basic but assumed as such. So many peopl are so used to assuming that this is what poverty looks like that they miss the freedom that comes with it, as long as it is by conscious choice and not default. My parents lived in the middle of the woods with no electricity in a log cabin they built themselves with a dug well for a few years. My sister and her fiance built a yurt in the middle of the woods and lived there a few years. Eventually they also opted for electricity and running water. Give yourself freedom to let your desires change and clarify over time. Have you seem Nahm's thread about having a dream board? I highly recommend it.

LOVE your photos.

In my experience the only thing that works is to get really sensitive to how the food effects you after eating or appears/appeals to you before eating. Hearing other people's ideas and suggestions and experiences is helpful to motivate us to reexamine an unconscious diet, but we can never adopt someone else's rules to follow without having backlash or dealing with repression.

I just have to say, that sweater though.

Favorite song right now for whatever reason.

I love this. I believe it with my whole heart but also needed the reminder. Thank you.

Last night the stars were stunning, it was one of those nights that I had to go out in the cold and just look at them. I saw an obvious star cluster for the first time. Today was a great day of hedonism. During the awakening, that did not happen in the past and never stopped, but seems to have happened to a me in April of last year, I had a ton of Christmas references coming up. I guess because everyday is Christmas, everyday is your birthday, there is no time, but only love. Today I went to the stone foundation at Pomroy's where I left the red Christmas bow at that time in April. Today I left some winterberries there. There were a couple woodpeckers and the squirrels that always chatter at me, they are a permanent fixture in the winter it seems. I went to the stone platform. The giant spruce tree that grows on the corner was covered in spiderwebs that glowed in the sun. I immediately remembered a legend I had forgotten about, having to do with spider webs on Christmas trees. "The Legend of the Christmas Spider is an Eastern European folktale which explains the origin of tinsel on Christmas trees. It is most prevalent in Western Ukraine, where small ornaments in the shape of a spider are traditionally a part of the Christmas decorations. A poor but hardworking widow once lived in a small hut with her children. One summer day, a pine cone fell on the earthen floor of the hut and took root. The widow's children cared for the tree, excited at the prospect of having a Christmas tree by winter. The tree grew, but when Christmas Eve arrived, they could not afford to decorate it. The children sadly went to bed and fell asleep. Early the next morning, they woke up and saw the tree covered with cobwebs. When they opened the windows, the first rays of sunlight touched the webs and turned them into gold and silver. The widow and her children were overjoyed. From then on, they never lived in poverty again." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legend_of_the_Christmas_Spider

Awakening can make you extremely prone to believe in "nonsense" because you realize that there isn't anything at all that is nonsense, which is incredibly freeing and leaves an entire worlds of possibilities in front of you waiting to be discovered. Although that also means there's nothing to believe in at all. Previously you were of the assumption that there were things that were true and things that were false. Bahahaha! I guess there are things you can seemingly choose to focus on, and that's all. If that's a certain deity, or crystals, or a life situation, etc, it's because you made it your focus and in a way you made it your "truth".

Merry Christmas! There are gifts within gifts, so that you can experience giving and getting gifts. But the whole thing is the gift.

I think an awakening is like God being like, "ok, you wanna know so much, here you go. It's all for you. It's all you. It's all perfect, manifestation of love and beauty, happening for you." My poinsettia died, and I don't know why. I looked at it and appreciated how beautiful the forms of the curled up leaves were and thought about the silly ways in which we make ourselves miserable by preferring things like live poinsettias over dead ones, when the poinsettia we are looking at is already dead in that moment. I went for a run today and it's really cold, but the mood boost I get from going out in the cold for a short time is amazing. I watched a pair of crows chase a hawk off, then I came out on the water and saw the seagulls, so many seagulls circling in the air. Cold be damned I just stopped and watched them and then one of those thoughts that you know are more than thoughts but messages came and said "Merry Christmas darling, it's all for you." I thought about continuing on but I knew the right thing would be to turn around and when I did they changed course and escorted me back. The sun reflected off them in a beautiful way, in that way that I've only been conscious of within the past few years. And as I went further and they flew higher they each had a glowing ball of light in the center. There are gifts within gifts, so that you can know which are gifts. But the whole thing is the gift.

The "blood of the lamb" is the same pointer as the meaning in the line in the Lana Del Rey Gods and Monsters song. "Innocence lost" In the land of gods and monsters I was an angel Living in the garden of evil Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed Shining like a fiery beacon You got that medicine I need Fame, liquor, love, give it to me slowly Put your hands on my waist, do it softly Me and God we don't get along, so now I sing No one's gonna take my soul away Living like Jim Morrison Headed towards a fucked up holiday Motel, sprees, sprees, and I'm singing Fuck yeah give it to me, this is heaven, what I truly want It's innocence lost Innocence lost There is nothing that has to be done on an external level, no acting out, no sacrifice of anything, but accept oneself as the Devil on a psychological symbolic and spiritual level. I have met plenty of people who I suspect would need to travel a path quite opposite to this one. It's what you won't accept about yourself, that when accepted becomes intense love and release.

Isaiah 6 6 Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. 7 With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.” 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” 9 He said, “Go and tell this people: “‘Be ever hearing, but never understanding; be ever seeing, but never perceiving.’ 10 Make the heart of this people calloused; make their ears dull and close their eyes.[a] Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed.” 11 Then I said, “For how long, Lord?” And he answered: “Until the cities lie ruined and without inhabitant, until the houses are left deserted and the fields ruined and ravaged, 12 until the Lord has sent everyone far away and the land is utterly forsaken. 13 And though a tenth remains in the land, it will again be laid waste. But as the terebinth and oak leave stumps when they are cut down, so the holy seed will be the stump in the land.”

LOOK at that comment, LOOK at it! It could not be more creepily encoded, from myself to myself.