mandyjw

Ohhh.... this gets funnier. I went to NYC with my husband and his parents the second time. We saw the Broadway The Phantom of the Opera. I was 6 months pregnant which made me feel more vulnerable than ever. Because of a recommendation they really wanted to eat at Katz Deli. (cats?) Now, keep in mind that my inlaws are (or were, they've changed a lot in recent years) the most conservative Christian people I've ever known, except for some of their friends I met through them. They also make a big deal out of food and traveling with them we have had some really miserable times spending literally hours driving and waiting to eat at some famous place or other. We messed up and missed a stop getting to Katz deli and it took forever to get there. Apparently Katz deli is famous. I did not know this, nor care. When we got there it was PACKED. I had this big pregnant belly and there was literally no place I could stand that was out of the way. Everything was going so fast and it was a bigger crowd than I'd ever dealt with. I also wasn't supposed to eat deli meat while pregnant and couldn't figure out what I was supposed to order. I kept getting bumped into, started to cry and eventually I completely lost it and started having a panic attack. Everyone stared at me. Pregnant lady having a panic attack in NYC. My inlaws paid no attention whatsoever. My husband left with me and we found a quiet place and got burgers. WHY is Katz deli famous? Partly because of this scene, that takes place there, when Sally shamelessly without a care what anyone thinks, fakes an orgasm in the middle of the place.

My best friend Sophie from gradeschool traveled the world. She hiked through the Sudan, spent a miserable half year in Somalia, spent a year of highschool living in Europe. She lives in NYC now. She is funny enough, the only person I know who has worse driving anxiety or anxiety in general than me. She also has her motorcycle license. Funny how people deal with things in their own unique ways. After I went to NYC the first time I thought of an idea for story. I guess all my story ideas are really my deepest fantasies. The character would be completely free to explore the city after some crisis, when it was completely empty and deserted. I wondered about myself and how delicious this idea seemed. It also seemed sick. Pretty fucked up, isn't it? The Big Apple.

I think I've always been conscious of the fact that there are too many coincidences, funny things as if someone or something is fucking with me, for reality to be real. I often just felt shame, unlucky, or assumed there was something wrong with what I thought was me. I never wanted to look it in the face. This is one of the few only songs from high school that was current that I actually liked. I walk a lonely road The only one that I have ever known Don't know where it goes But it's only me, and I walk alone I walk this empty street On the boulevard of broken dreams Where the city sleeps And I'm the only one, and I walk alone I walk alone, I walk alone I walk alone and I walk a My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me Till then I walk alone Ah ah ah ah ah Ah ah ah ah ah I'm walking down the line That divides me somewhere in my mind On the border line of the edge And where I walk alone Read between the lines What's fucked up and every thing's all right Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive And I walk alone

I have a lot of fears about driving. I failed my driver's test the first time because I didn't know, or no one ever taught me to properly check for traffic around me when changing lanes. This is because where I live you almost never, ever, ever have to change lanes and I'm very good at using my mirrors to know if there are cars around me. There's a very short section in town where we could practice to change lanes. No one told me that I was actually supposed to crane my head and literally look back to see if anything was coming. My first vehicle was a truck and driving it was a lot different than a car, visibility was much different. One day we went to the city and I made it a point to drive the entire time to get over my fear of driving in the city and get some practice. In a fairly clear spot (so I thought) I changed lanes carelessly and cut someone off. They honked at me and nothing happened but I felt like I had died inside. It's funny that something in me HATES the idea of physically looking behind me when I'm driving forward. Metaphorically this is a somewhat hilarious, considering what I'm doing here and now with shadow work. I was thinking about the things connected with driving that have affected me while i was driving to drop my daughter off, and when I got there, their dog came out to say hi to me and I immediately recognized that his name "Ranger" was the model of my first vehicle. There was a girl I didn't like, her name was also Amanda, but she went by Amanda, not Mandy. On my graduation day when our full names were called, someone told me that she had the EXACT same middle name as me. I also hated my middle name and when I changed my married name I got rid of it. The one and only time I pursued a non Christian bad boy, I ended up needlessly getting upset and taking things personally. I never really talked to him himself about it directly or got any reason from him but went by what a friend said, and her own jealousy and feelings were coloring everything, and my insecurity colored it worse. Eventually she told me he turned me down just because I was too "good" and wouldn't party. Later he dated Amanda and there were rumors and jokes of them in the back seat of her car. Her last name had the word "snow" in it. I had an accident in high school shortly after getting my license. I was too scared to park in the senior parking spots because they were more crowded. I like open spaces, with as few people as possible, they make me feel safe. I was getting ready to leave school and someone parked behind me too far forward and my truck was long and needed more space to turn. I was so concerned about the car behind me I cut the wheel too hard and forgot about the car right next to me. It was Amanda's car. I dented it in a couple places along the side. My bumper was fine. I went back to the school to find her but I couldn't find her in the school and when I came out she left. I left feeling sick about it. I had to tell her, or maybe pass her a note the next day. She hadn't even noticed. Everyone in school talked about it and made fun of me. My parents had to sort out the insurance mess. Her parents were indignant and difficult to deal with. It was my fault.

@Nahm "Oh, the places you'll go!" -Dr. Seuss In our kitchen cabinets is a slideout returnable bin where I keep extra bags and cans. It's on tracks, and one of them was bent and it wouldn't close. I tried to bend the track back and was fairly successful but it still wouldn't close. I realized that some bags had fallen behind the bins that I wasn't seeing and because they were in the way, it wouldn't let it close properly. The thought "It's not your fault" came to me as if I were speaking to the track I'd tried to fix and immediately reminded me of this song. I was listening to music and saw this song which is one of my favorites. I've never clicked on this version and strangely (ha) enough there's a guy dressed as a FLY as the photo. Midnight City M83 Waiting in a car Waiting for a ride in the dark The night city grows Look at the horizon glow Waiting in a car Waiting for a ride in the dark Drinking in the lights Following the neon signs Waiting for a word Looking at the milky skyline The city is my church It wraps me in its blinding twilight Waiting in a car Waiting for the right time Waiting in a car Waiting for the right time Waiting in a car Waiting for the right time Waiting in a car Waiting for the right time Waiting in a car Waiting for a ride in the dark

Meditation, self care, self love, then when you're on a role with those things and feel inspired to do so you can dig deep into the roots of the feelings, and examine the assumptions behind them. You can dig up memories and see through them and see how they built up a wall of avoidance. We think we are avoiding pain but what the wall is protecting us from is none other than love. We are the ones who protect ourselves because we believe that others can cause us to feel shame or unworthy. We have given them the power to make us feel this way, but that was never possible, it was a self created illusion. The power to feel any way resides within us. When you examine what the self really is and come to love it you understand the actual relationship between feelings, self and other. First be willing to let go of the relationship that you believe and have assumed. That's where meditation, self love, and self care come in.

I'm really, really appreciative of the ability to go back and forth between the two "worlds" as they integrate. Balance is shaky but improving. I compare this to doing a huge purge of your possessions, getting rid of what you don't need, taking a break, enjoying the new space, then going back and whittling them down further. This morning I got up and for some reason had " Ticket to Ride" in my mind as a metaphor for life. I had forgotten that it was a Beetle's song. While growing up we were taught that the Beetles were evil, and that's because they reminded my mother of her ex who loved the Beetles and also Hitler. I'm not sure how that works, but reality is (stranger than) fiction? Reality IS fiction. Reality IS strange. Was interested to see a reply by Nahm this morning because he replied in a thread "two paths" which is sort of a long standing riddle for me. His reply was a line from "All Your Need is Love", “Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time...it's easy...” The Beatles Last night I read my daughter "Green Eggs and Ham". "Sam I Am" tirelessly pursues the grumpy character who insists that he doesn't like green eggs and ham, basically follows him to the end of the world, on a train, then into the sea, (SAM, LET ME BE!!!) until finally he tries them, likes them and thanks Sam I am. Read the lyrics to Ticket to Ride and contemplating the meanings of the song if it were sung by oneself to oneself. I got an interesting comment on an old youtube video which starts with "I think you're on the right track."

Love is reckless; not reason. Reason seeks a profit. Love comes on strong, consuming herself, unabashed. Yet, in the midst of suffering, Love proceeds like a millstone, hard surfaced and straightforward. Having died of self-interest, she risks everything and asks for nothing. Love gambles away every gift God bestows. Without cause God gave us Being; without cause, give it back again. - Rumi

@Shin All work and no play?

What I thought was empathy was really me projecting my own ego structure onto others. Love is deeper than this, it is blind, but it Sees as One. I never appreciated how many assumptions I ran off of and how deep they went. Or was the ego structure itself always an illusion, or a grander sort of thing? Then as a function of separation, the self is "born" and becomes an incomplete puzzle piece that naturally had a desire to fit its "self" into the puzzle. Getting rid of ego implies that ego was ever "owned". You cannot get rid of that which was not owned. You can only See through the illusion that it never was. You can only See as One, you can only See as Love. Oneness gives birth to separation, which gives birth to the law of attraction, the desire for wholeness. “A new moon teaches gradualness and deliberation and how one gives birth to oneself slowly. Patience with small details makes perfect a large work, like the universe.” ― Rumi And with that the Rumi quote I threw in here an hour or so before I wrote this ties in beautifully. I feel like I did when I started accidentally "mocking" the man. The power of suggestion, the power of something entering my experience is like the "seed" for creation, and I am only the earth. The only difference between chaos and synchronicity is awareness, focus, open mindedness, inclusiveness... love.

"There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled. There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled. You feel it, don’t you? You feel the separation from the Beloved. Invite Him to fill you up, embrace the fire. Remind those who tell you otherwise that Love comes to you of its own accord, and the yearning for it cannot be learned in any school." -Rumi GODDAMN IT RUMI. We're all right.

"All my feelings have the color you desire to paint." -Rumi

S. Well, what does this power embrace that you call soul? A. It embraces that power that directs the movements of the mind and body. It also embraces the power that directs all things. S. What has it to do with our minds and thoughts? A. A great deal. It is the power that develops all actions. S. What is the use of a power that makes man unhappy? A. If properly understood it makes man happy. S. I thought you said that man was nothing but a machine. A. In one sense it is so, but in another he is more than a machine. He, that is, his body, embraces what is called mind and spirit. This mind and spirit is the result of power called soul which is independent of the body and uses the body to communicate knowledge, like a lever to communicate power to move weight. S. Why is man so much troubled with disease if he is nothing but a machine? A. I see you do not understand what man is. S. Well, do you understand? A. I think that I do. S. Please explain man so I can understand what man is. A. In explaining man I wish you to distinctly understand that I make no allusion to his bodily form, but his soul. Will you remember that? S. I will try to. A. When I speak of man I speak of him as two persons from the fact that they are exactly opposed to each other. S. I don’t know what you mean by two characters in one and yet say that they are directly opposite to each other. A. I will try to make you understand what I mean. You admit such a thing as happiness? S. Yes. A. You also admit such a thing as misery? S. Yes. A. Well these are the two characters that I am to speak of. S. All people will admit such a thing as good and bad, and happiness and misery. A. I do not admit such a thing as bad of itself. S. You admit such a thing as good? A. Yes, but I do not admit bad of itself. S. Well, what is it that is bad? A. Bad is the result of ignorance. Of itself there is neither good nor bad. S. Explain it so that I can understand. A. Is there anything in fire of itself either good or bad? S. Yes. A. What is it? S. You can use it to make you comfortable etc. A. I will admit all that. Is it conscious of being good or bad? S. No. A. Then good or bad must be the result of a power higher than itself. S. Yes. A. Well, then you see that you admit these two powers are in one person good and bad. S. Yes, and will you explain where they differ? A. They are both matter and are the result of association. To make it clear to you I will illustrate the two characters. Suppose you should see an object, and you should take it for something very beautiful. This would be good, would it not? S. Yes. A. Suppose you should be convinced that it was bad, would not your mind change from good to bad? S. Yes. A. Suppose you walked up to the object and see that it was nothing but a statue made of wood, would not the good and bad change or be modified? S. Yes, but what does this prove? A. It proves that there is a chemical action in the body, and that it is governed by impressions made on the soul. S. I thought you said the soul contained all knowledge. A. So I did. S. You said that there was an impression made on the soul. Now if the soul knows all things why is it disturbed? A. Error is not knowledge, neither is impression knowledge, therefore when an impression is made on the soul it is made through the body. This disturbs the fluids of the body and these fluids contain all the elements that make up reason. S. Do you say the fluids of the body contain intelligence? A. A sort of animal intelligence which is necessary to keep up a chemical action to develop the laws of the soul or God. S. I do not know as I understand your reasoning why the soul should be disturbed if it is in possession of all knowledge. A. The soul is not disturbed of itself, but the body is disturbed by impressions and this produces a sort of chemical action. This action decomposes the nervous system and brings a portion of it into a fluid state which is under the control of this inferior intellect. This creates objects and all sorts of beings that fancy can imagine. S. Will you illustrate this last idea so that I can understand it more clearly? A. I will try to. Suppose a person living in the country, happy and at ease, and to all appearance well. Now his nervous system would be quiet, and every thing goes on well and he is happy. This would be called good, would it not? S. Yes. A. Well, suppose a person should come in from town and call on this person and ask him how he enjoyed himself. He should first say “I am perfectly happy,” and then the man should look at him very knowingly and reply “Men sometimes feel the best when they are in the greatest danger.” Would this not be likely to give the man a shock? S. Yes. A. Well, then the disturbed man received the first shock to his system and it shows itself in this mind just in that degree that the system is disturbed. The disturber then goes on to relate all the evil stories his mind can invent. The disturbed man keeps up this chemical action under these impressions till he is able to create any that his fancy can imagine. His system changes, his identity also changes, and he becomes a most wretched being. Now this would be called bad, would it not? S. Yes. A. Well are these impressions a part of the man's feelings or are they something which was independent of the man?

“Knock, And He'll open the door Vanish, And He'll make you shine like the sun Fall, And He'll raise you to the heavens Become nothing, And He'll turn you into everything.” -Rumi "When you ask, the answer will be given." -Rumi Happy now?

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."-Jesus How you ask, seek or knock, and what that looks like is something that only you will know.

Always loved this song. Never listened to the lyrics. We have no past, we won't reach back Keep with me forward all through the night And once we start the meter clicks And it goes running all through the night Until it ends, there is no end All through the night Stray cat is crying so stray cat sings back All through the night They have forgotten what by day they lack Oh under those white street lamps There is a little chance they may see We have no past, we won't reach back Keep with me forward all through the night

This starts to feel awful sometimes, it's really easy to get sideways, off course "out of the vortex". I end up wondering what people think, drawing other people into it for comfort (drew in both my friend and husband with the car crash synchronicity) and in both conversations they each had the last word and left me with something pretty unsettling to ponder. I did not get the comfort I sought, I got the opposite. I did a work out and am making my almond milk and planning to (hopefully) clean up the house. While to the observer (there's no such thing) this probably looks like an intense display over over-thinking, nothing can motivate you to want to think less than this kind of thing. I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for knowing how to ground myself. Actually I feel pretty light-headed.

Feeling very alone, trying to settle in again. I found this song, noticing the cobalt blue background. I just realized I'm even wearing cobalt blue today. You write with such color. STOP. STOP. I feel like the girl who spent too long in the sun and started coming up with her own thoughts by suggestion. My psyche was never really mine. There were never others. Alone but never. Hush now, don't you cry Wipe away the teardrop from your eye You're lying safe in bed It was all a bad dream Spinning in your head Your mind tricked you to feel the pain Of someone close to you leaving the game of life So here it is, another chance Wide awake you face the day Your dream is over or has it just begun? There's a place I like to hide A doorway that I run through in the night Relax child, you were there But only didn't realize and you were scared It's a place where you will learn To face your fears, retrace the years And ride the whims of your mind Commanding in another world Suddenly you hear and see This magic new dimension I will be watching over you I am gonna help you see it through I will protect you in the night I am smiling next to you, in silent lucidity If you open your mind for me You won't rely on open eyes to see The walls you built within Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin Living twice at once you learn You're safe from pain in the dream domain A soul set free to fly A round trip journey in your head Master of illusion, can you realize Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but I will be watching over you I am gonna help to see it through I will protect you in the night I am smiling next to you

I finally found a picture of the house in a friend's Facebook pictures. She also had a photo of a rock made to be a memorial for the first person who settled here (or there). His name was Hateevil. The road itself was named after him and the house was the old homestead for that family, likely not original but I don't know. The road and his last name and the name of the homestead means meadow, place of the meadow. My picture of the field of flowers, the fireweed, the dream/vision/memories from early childhood of a meadow and a clock.

I just checked to see how the driver in that accident is doing. He has brain damage but they don't have any idea how severe it is yet. His last name has the word wood in it and I googled the meaning of his first name, it means "joined". Crashed into a tree. *Smacks hand to forehead* The name meaning of the one who passed away, is a type of alcoholic drink. *Smacks hand to forehead* I'VE BEEN SWALLOWED UP IN A STORY and the author has a sick sense of humor!

So the property I went to on this day, I was surprised to see that they had named it and put up a sign "Fire Fly".

The synchronicity with the artist's email address was that it was fly_leo Trust your wound to a teacher's surgery. Flies collect on a wound. They cover it, Those flies of your self-protecting feelings, Your love for what you think is yours. Let a teacher wave away the flies And put a plaster on the wound. Don't turn your head. Keep looking At the bandaged place. That's where The light enters you. And don't believe for a moment That you're healing yourself. ~ Rumi

I became conscious long ago that the story of my life is to strange to be real, that the happenings in life are too weird. I've always been terrified of doctors, so I turned myself into a hypochondriac. I also had test results lost once so i had to go back and repeat a test. Could this have happened to anyone else than the one who was over thinking the test? No. It's. Not. Fucking. Real. I would try to tell weird stories to other people, egoically, indignantly. I wanted them to react a certain way and was always disappointed. I was asking for something from another that I could only give myself. Yet, Rumi is also right when he says, Don't turn your head. Keep looking At the bandaged place. That's where The light enters you. And don't believe for a moment That you're healing yourself. It's funny, how Abraham Hicks says to think of something else, change the subject. She's not wrong but how can you bandage a wound if you don't acknowledge it's there and want it to heal? How do you trust the "teacher's surgery" and get over your fear of the doctor, if your desire for wholeness doesn't overwhelm your fear?

Anyway, I was a hermit. I started getting chronic pain, eventually assumed it was endometriosis, but nothing really made sense. Eventually I got really depressed and was working constantly and I knew I needed to GET OUT. I messaged my friend from high school (same friend who gave me the blue crow) and asked if she could hang out. She said no, she had to take her dog to an appointment and I was so desperate I asked if I could just come along. She agreed. We had a BLAST. We had both matured a lot since high school and she was the most spontaneous, confident fun person you could imagine. As long as you were flexible and up for anything, she was a blast. We ended up hanging out almost every week, going on trips together, and I go her to start walking so we started taking her dogs for long walks through town almost every time. We'd discover things, we would look at old houses together. It was with her just exploring when we found the house waaaaay down on the dead end road with the door that we couldn't tell if it was blacked out or not there. It wasn't there. This house became the setting for the book I was going to write. I talked about it a lot in the journal that lead to my first awakening. Last spring after the awakening, I took my kids to a frog walk and it took place exactly where the house had been. I asked the organizers, who to my surprise lived nearby the history of the house. All they said was that it belonged to the mad Russians. I later got the story of how it was going to be turned into a math academy by this Russian guy, but he fell off the roof of his house in NY shoveling snow and died and his widow couldn't keep the house so it rotted. I started becoming dependent on this one friend for social interaction, fun and adventure. Even stranger events lead to us not speaking for a year, synchronicity made us friends again. I hashed all of this out in detail in my first journal. She moved away this spring. The last time I saw her I came to the small city she lived in to hang out one last time. We met at a mutual friend's house, and had decided on a time but she never showed up. We waited and waited. I called her. I worried about her. She was supposed to be having a massage right next door, and we looked for her vehicle and it wasn't there. We ended up going on a walk without her, not knowing what had happened to her. It brought back all the memories of our friendship ending like a flood. How susceptible was I? Eventually she called. Her massage had gone late. When she started getting massages I was so fucking jealous. I would never be able to take that kind of time for myself with my two kids. Her and her husband have been having fights. I've been really worried. One of them happened when he was trying to keep her from going to her massage. Last night I had horrible sciatica pain and I remembered by doctor suggesting massage when I was pregnant with my daughter and I really wanted a massage and couldn't keep it to myself. I asked my husband for a massage but I knew it was silly because we had two kids to put to bed. He gave me a super quick massage, slapped me on the ass and left. I recently did a show at a massage place. My sister teaches yoga there and she is the one who connected me with them. All the other crafters there and the couple who own the place are really conscious and very good to me. I'm always shy and in my shell but I did slightly better this last time, I had a conversation in person with someone about seeing auras and I traded with another crafter for some crystal jewelry pieces. I realize I'm shy with them because I care what they think, more than with other people. The idea of getting a massage and paying for it seems like a very indulgent waste of money so that someone can make you very uncomfortable. I know that my repression and personal space issues would make a massage a scary and not relaxing experience. There was another way in which this topic came up and i guess life and my brain is just repeating it as something I won't accept or haven't worked through. My sister is friends with another couple who also live in the old part of town. Wanting to make new friends, last year I was supposed to meet up her with my sister for tea or coffee. Both her and my sister were pregnant at the time and it never happened. They live directly across from where Dr.P had his first premonition and the building he was working in as a child collapsed, killing a man and crushing his leg. They lost their baby, they had prepared for a home birth and ended up having an emergency C section and the baby didn't survive for a day or two later. My sister had her healthy baby girl a month later. I'm not sure they are still friends anymore. My sister knows an awful lot of people but has little to do with any of them. I drive by their house almost everyday and think of them a lot. Their daughter built a snowman. They seem to look so sad to me, when I see them. When I first met her husband with their daughter when I was at the river with the kids, my daughter was acting up and fussing. "I'll have to get used to that again, we're expecting." he told me. A week or so ago, there was a freak car accident. Someone crashed into the tree directly in front of their house. The passenger died and I don't know if the driver will survive or not. There's absolutely no logical explanation for why anyone would ever get in a fatal accident there. Except for you know intoxication, icey roads and freak circumstances. Now directly in front of their house is a marred tree with a red rose tied on it, not far from their daughter's snowman.