mandyjw

A teacher is only ever a connector, "one" who makes connections or a channel through which connections come through. There is no one to give and nothing to be given, there are only connections to be made. This is true even in the physical realm. If reality is indeed a donut, if it's an endless stream of energy in which creator and consumer, giver and receiver are one, then there is no difference between the two. There is only strength of connection, or consciousness of connection. The connection is the only thing being given and the connection is none other than love.

Ooooo... I've for a long time always felt like I need to downplay my success, not talk about my relationship or much of anything at all in a positive light because it's very wrong to risk making other people jealous or make them feel lacking. I didn't know that I was projecting my own tendency of jealousy on other people, instead of expecting the best of them and daring to inspire. I didn't realize that I do not have the power to make another person feel any particular way.

We have no past, we won't reach back Keep with me forward all through the night I have noticed that when I am in the vortex, or the more I love myself, the more confidence and creative spark I am able to clearly channel, the more other people enjoy being around me and are drawn to me. Sometimes this brings up feelings of discomfort and guilt, old well practiced patterns of grasping love and slapping my own hand away because I thought it was outside of me. There is no one to take credit for "attraction" or to misconstrue it. Because I am concerned and uncomfortable with it due to my judgement of self and others, I attract those very misinterpreted situations. I want to have close friendships and connect with people deeply, I want to inspire and share my love with the world without fear or holding back. Matthew 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

I don't know if this is true or not, but I wonder if when someone awakens that what they were repressing comes to the surface, like *POOF*. They experience wholeness in that moment, but the mind really "notices" the things that it was previously rejecting or not accepting about itself. Then the mind patterns and identification come back in and the mind sometimes makes false idols out of these very things. Instead of resolving, integrating and dissolving them it grasps them because the mind grasps and because it's like chick hatching from an egg that thinks the first thing it sees is its Mommy.

It feels so good to know that these are stories, that it's all fictional fantasy. That there is no weight to them. There was a story of self who thought that love was something separate from it and so it thought it could act in right and wrong ways. It believed that it could cut itself off from love, and created the fear of it and so it feared fear and kept itself from feeling its love. I went to Dr.P's and noticed two things. The split tree that gave me the insight about nonduality and duality being one and two at the same time last year, is very heart shaped where it splits to two. I was considering my intuition and the conflicting thoughts around it. There was a single oak leaf that was obviously and loudly blowing back and forth side to side, casting a long shadow because of the way the sun was angled until finally it stopped and stayed still. How could there be a wrong choice? Is there two? How can there be intuition and a thing that's not intuition? Following or not following? Are we not back to the original predicament of right and wrong, good and bad? Is it not just the One, wobbling back and forth as if it could be in two places at once?

JESUS. The next label had the word azure in it and immediately my eyes go to the blue marker on my desk with blue in different languages (blue, azul, bleu) written on it. I always had an energetically messed up relationship with my best friend's dad. I spent a lot of time at their house when I was in my early 20's. Her parents were Christian only they kind of stayed in their beliefs rather than evolving over time like mine. Her Dad was the one who was passionate about it. He also had quite a devilish side. He was hilarious and really just a blast to be around. His wife stopped sleeping with him after their son was born and they slept in different buildings. They had a miserable marriage. He supported her completely financially and wouldn't divorce her because it was "wrong" but good lord, the poor man had a battle going on in his head and it showed in his interactions with women. Nothing wrong was ever said or done. We had some intense and hilarious debates about religion. Sometimes he went hiking with us. He made fun of my husband a lot. I bought a BRIGHT turquoise blue car and we talked about my car a lot. I decided I really wanted the color as it's my favorite and held out for it, usually I would have just gotten whatever was less expensive. Shortly after he bought a Corvette in the same exact color. I think he was planning to anyway, I don't know. His wife HATED the car and I'm ashamed to recall the thoughts that went through my head when I saw it. There were other thoughts proceeding it, and I really enjoyed the ego boost and the fun of the reading between the lines energetic nature or interacting with him. I don't know if he ever enjoyed the car except for obsessively polishing it all the time. He sold it again just a few years later. He drove by when I was walking and waved to me a week or so ago. 27 You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28 Inconveniently, we are vibrational beings and there are vibrational effects to our thoughts and feelings. I had buck teeth in high school, like pretty bad buck teeth. I was supposed to get them fixed but I could tell that the orthodontist was bullshitting my parents, I was always worried about their finances for them and he had Aspergers and said something insensitive and I was just like "ya know what , fuck this". My parents told me that my teeth "added character". When I was 19 a dentist moved next door and started an invisalign program. I decided that I had had enough "character." My teeth were easy to fix. They looked normal just in time for my wedding. I never went to college, I was an extremely shy girl with buck teeth in high school. I remember one of the cool guys who ran cross country with us telling me I looked just like a squirrel. I initiated the start of the romantic relationship with my husband. I spent most of my life as a hermit, completely isolated from people. I was almost never in a setting where I experienced what it was like to feel attractive or desired just spontaneously without someone knowing who I was or what I was like. I demonized this sort of thing or "scene" as shallow. I also always felt like I missed out on the fun of it. Once I was in a city for my business shortly after graduated high school. It actually turned out to be one of the best days of my life, I ended up getting featured on TV and had amazing sales. On the way to the bathroom a guy looked at me, suggestively raising his eyebrows. I just looked back at him and laughed. His friend punched him and laughed at his rejection. Then I realized what had even happened. I was just shocked, I didn't know how to respond. I just laughed, inappropriate laughter again. I felt bad about my reaction, I never had to deal with this sort of thing. It felt good though. This is embarrassing. It would have been easier to keep on thinking I was "good" and repressing my devilish egoic desire to be desired. Would it? This morning I noticed the word star on a truck and noticed that "star" spelled backwards is "rats". I just pulled a tarot card because I'm feeling some confliction about this topic and journal entry and I pulled the star card. Hold your focus forward. You don't transcend by judging yourself.

I checked my son's school folder this morning and there was a project paper he had done for Valentine's Day with hearts and keys. This morning I was thinking about an early memory I had. We went to the city shopping as a family. I was really young, 4 or 5 I think. We were in line checking out and again like when all my other embarrassing moments happened I wasn't paying any attention, lost in my own world. I ended up next to a man in front of us and then thinking I was beside my dad I started hugging and bumping against his leg like kids do. My parents called me back and I was horrified. I don't remember them shaming me at all, but I do remember just being inherently horrified about it. Later they tried to make me feel better about it, saying that he probably didn't think anything about it. I really don't know why it upset me so much. Started to get to work this morning, I've been journaling quite a bit and want to get caught up. The first thing I did was print a shipping label to Lolita Lockhart and the word swords associated with it. Genesis 3:24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

You better "make up" your mind.

I don't practice kriya, but depression and sluggishness can herald a breaththrough, keep your focus on where you're going and listen to your intuition.

In my experience I agree. Also in my experience it's impossible to point to who or what to credit for a breakthrough when you are everything.

Wise men say only fools rush in But I can't help falling in love with you Oh, shall I stay, would it be a sin Oh, if I can't help falling in love with you? Like a river flows, surely to the sea Darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be Take my hand, take my whole life too Oh, for I can't help falling in love with you Oh, like a river flows, surely to the sea Darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be Oh, take my hand, take my whole life too For I can't help falling in love with you Oh, for I can't help falling in love with you The line I mentioned this morning that I loved from Dr.P's book. All the girls who dreamed about Elvis, and really, he loved every one of them back just as much, unknowingly. Maybe it's a river and not a donut. Did you want to laugh or cry? Both? Done.

Who reads Ramana Maharshi and goes off on a tangent about donuts? Nobody.

It is simply, SIMPLY, falling in love with yourself. You won't survive the process. I've noticed over recent years how I've become more and more easily fascinated and completely enthralled and lost in things. Part of it is the joy in connections being made, and the more connections that are made, the more connections that are made, exponentially. Each connection is love. I don't know if this is part of the process or the result. Training myself to see beauty in nature throughout the winter created the first bliss and other-worldly-like experience of running down that road in the springtime. This was maybe, the first time I achieved (accidentally?) using this process, of merging the law of attraction with meditation. At the time I didn't meditate and didn't really know about the law of attraction, but they are not/more than concepts. Now, go and do it with eveeeeeerything else. My kid is running and hopping around me carelessly, kinda banging into things and in my body is this "pull" of stress and annoyance. I wanted the chocolate sprinkles on my donut, you fucking bitch.

YOU baked the donut to eat it, and you're telling me you don't LIKE donuts? Seriously, what the fuck? Oh, you like the donut part but not the sprinkles? The frosting could be better? Seriously I mean, you fucking picked them out and put them there. You didn't even have time to change your mind. You choose and consume the donut, altogether in one action right fucking now. This is the donut of your dreams. My puppy threw up in my car, and it's right between the seat and the door in this tiny, tiny space. I cleaned it up but I can't get it all, I mean, there are gonna be some crusty bits in that space forever. Puppy's name is Muninn but you know what I call him most of the time? Mu. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but only when I'm looking at him.

I ended up stuck at my Mom's with nothing to do and went into my Kindle app and ended up reading Ramana Marharshi on intuition. "The body is a form of five sheaths. Therefore all five are included in the term ‘body’. Without a body, is there a world? Say, leaving the body, is there anyone who has seen a world?" Also paraphrasing here, but apparently, reality is a giant donut eating itself that you're projecting, and it's really as stunningly profound as it sounds ridiculous. One action of creation and consummation. Self Love and Self Inquiry meeeeeeeeeeeeerge

Could you love the projections on the wall without loving the projector, the source of them itself? Can one be without the other?

@Nahm Easter eggs hidden in plain sight everywhere.

I know, right? I was following a regular yoga video on youtube a few days ago for exercise and was fascinated to find that every time I put my hands on my heart I started to cry.

Allowing desire/ desiring non-desire is quite a mindblowing paradox.

What do you value in other people?

There's one memory I didn't share about running cross country that I thought of this morning. I loved the mud. Tearing up the track, it got so muddy and you'd get splattered all up and down. I loved something about this. I loved cleaning off after the race, after all the nervousness and pain was over and feeling right as rain. SO... much synchronicity in this song and video. Giant Calvin Harris, Rag'n'Bone Man I understood loneliness Before I knew what it was I saw the pills on the table For your unrequited love I would be nothing Without you holding me up Now I'm strong enough for both of us Both of us, both of us, both of us I am a giant (ooh) Stand up on my shoulders, tell me what you see 'Cause I am a giant (ooh) We'll be breaking boulders, underneath our feet I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh) I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh) Don't hide your emotions You can throw down your guard And feed from the notion We can be who we are You taught me something, yeah Freedom is ours It was you who taught me living is Togetherness, togetherness, togetherness I am a giant (ooh) Stand up on my shoulders, tell me what you see 'Cause I am a giant (ooh) We'll be breaking boulders, underneath our feet I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh) I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh) Oh, oh, oh, hey-oh, oh, oh, oh, hey-oh I'm gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, under me, yeah, yeah Oh, oh, oh, hey-oh, oh, oh, oh, hey-oh I'm gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, under me, yeah, yeah Gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, yeah, yeah Gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, yeah, yeah Gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, yeah, yeah Gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt I am, I am, I am (ooh) I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (ooh) I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (ooh)

"I am a giant (ooh) Stand up on my shoulders, tell me what you see 'Cause I am a giant (ooh) We'll be breaking boulders, underneath our feet I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh) I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh)" My best friend took me horseback riding a few years ago. Another girl took us out. They gave me an old slow horse because I had no experience. That horse tried to fuck with me the entire time. I didn't realize nor accept the fact that I was supposed to put MY weight into my heels to drive them into his side to get him to go. It felt incredibly cruel to me. He tried to go off the trail and I remember the helpless sense of having a complete lack of control. Of all the stories I'd read about travel on horses, this seemed like a painful and miserable experience when reality was compared with fantasy. Eventually the girl realized that we were just not compatible and had to switch horses with me, so I ended up riding her own horse, which treated me much better. He was black and white. I'm not sure of my memory, but I think his name was Ransom.

Just discovered this, full of synchronicity.

During this mornings meditation session I was able to tap in feeling the energy in my body quite often off and on. Feels good. There's a lot of just tolerating or sitting through sensations that goes on and my vision for meditation is to further purify it into self love, so meditation feels amazing. I guess that's the entire point? There's the concept of surrender and the concept of working through fear and blockages, but these things are not actual. Love, now is actual. I've always had a closely defended personal space bubble, due to fear and shame and only recently realized how I let it affect my marriage, the one relationship where I'm technically supposed to have the freedom to let personal space boundaries go. If these were just thoughts, then they would be, but it's a weed that grown a fantastically strong root system without my realizing it had roots at all. There have been times when I was really in pain when I asked my husband to put his hand on me, and I really, really felt like he could heal. I'm supposed to take a reiki class, but I've been waiting almost a year for the teacher to find someone else to take the class with me. The teacher of the class has always made me a bit uncomfortable,(I made myself uncomfortable) is incredibly quiet and I always thought that he acts "odd". He happens to be the partner of the Buddhist woman who mentored me from the time I was a kid. Both my friend from childhood and my sister have taken reiki classes from him. I was really skeptical of reiki and he commented about what a skeptical person I was at the time. His partner told me last spring that he had quit his meditation practice and wasn't feeling worthy of going on a pilgrimage trip with her. She came to our grandmothers funeral and did reiki on my sister afterwards and I just sort of sat there awkwardly and watched this feeling like I wasn't part of the secret Illuminati club. Physical touch for emotional pain? In PUBLIC? How bizarre. I remember that day, being determined to touch my Grammie's dead body. I'd held her hand the last time before that, and it was the most amazing exchange of energy. Then when I tried to send her tonglen, it bounced back and I received it instead and an hour later Mom told me she had passed. She didn't die of any disease at all. She just left the realm of the physical slowly and died. There was a lot of self talk going on about touching her. What will people think? Will they think I'm creepy? How clean are the embalming rooms? Will I get MRSA? Why did they paint her nails like that? It looks so fake. I touched her hand and felt... nothing really. She didn't feel dead. Dead doesn't feel like anything because it isn't. Because for the past 12 years I have spent most of my time alone, I have a lot of habits and postures that are comfortable or self soothing, because I haven't been concerned with looking normal. One of these is that when I'm stressed or thinking about something uncomfortable I unconsciously cover my nose with my hair or shirt. This is exactly what I did with my blanket when I was a little kid. There's an intuitive art to doing this, you want to filter the air, but cover the left nostril more than the right. I never thought about this at all, until a few years ago I started listening to some yoga conference talks on youtube and they mentioned the energizing and calming effects of covering one nostril. I also have a problem with inappropriate laughing sometimes in social situations. I asked my neighbor to plow my driveway and he asked what happened to my previous plow guy. I told him his name and he said "OH!" because he knew that he had died in an accident and I could tell he felt awkward so I wanted to relieve the tension so I... laughed. I'm assuming these things happen because if I practiced self love I wouldn't attract them and wouldn't allow tension to build up that needs to be released by inappropriate laughter or verbal diarrhea. A lot of my fear of people and shyness comes because I've been so brutal to myself AFTER and during interactions. When I ran competitively in high school, there were lots of beliefs like "no pain, no gain". There was a certain amount of glory that one felt if they puked up their guts after a race. It was the seal of approval that you didn't hold anything back and didn't have to question your performance after. Or else, you got yourself so worked up before that the nervousness all sort of built up to it. A good race meant you gave it your all, and you'd be in a lot of pain the whole time. There was a lot of pressure to please my Dad who took great pride in our performance in meets. I've always enjoyed throwing up. Just not at all the part leading up to it. Sophomore year I had gotten lazy and unfocused dealing with all the stresses at school and hadn't trained enough that summer. I got shin splints and had to take ibuprofen to keep running which made me really, really sick until we figured out that ibuprofen on an empty stomach was not a good idea. I felt like I was disappointing everyone. I always saw my stomach pain as an annoyance and a hindrance, not an indicator. Just try and disconnect from your body while you beat it into submission, and expect it to say nothing. In practice, I let myself zone out a lot. Often during running I would "write" to myself or imaginary others in my head, usually about inspirational, self improvement or religious topics. I gave up running when I graduated, then took it up again shortly after discovering Leo and Eckhart Tolle, this time purely for myself. The strange stomach and back pain started last year when I started to "use" running again, in an addictive way to stave off depression. A year or so ago, I got this dream vision for my life but felt like I was too busy to achieve it. I'd meditate, do lots of yoga, run, hike, cook healthy food, and maybe do some creative work. In the winter, in layers of sweaters it's so easy to disconnect from the body and slog through life. The magic of yoga, of being barefoot and in shorts and moving around is transformational. Feels amazing to wake up and stop beating your own self into submission. The path of least resistance, going with the stream. Dr P has a beautiful section in his book in which he describes his almost spiritual love for this town and describes the flow of the landscape as if you were looking over it from a high vantage point and it ends with a line about how by and by all the wandering streams make their way to the sea.

Ex p ire ire -noun - anger. F ire In sp ire inspirit When I discovered Leo years ago it was because I searched youtube for how to deal with anger. "I don't really get that" he said. "I don't experience it myself emotionally" I always thought that was a bit curious, maybe somewhat insulting. But regardless his advice was great and I got completely hooked on his videos. How to deal with anger? Put out the fire, the phoenix will rise. "Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction. Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes." — Kahlil Gibran