mandyjw

You cannot be insane and enlightened at the same time. "Insane/sane is a duality", a fictional judgement of the mind. The way we judge if someone is sane or insane is by judging how proficient they are at survival. Paradoxically for most of us enlightenment requires balance, respect and acceptance for survival "concerns", but without fear. That's the concern with drug abuse, they are seeing truth without having access to the understanding and practices necessary for integration.

I'm beginning to appreciate the irony in how much education it takes to forget what you know and how much passionate desire it takes to transcend one's own wants. Without nondual or religious teachings of some sort, or without having the notion is one's head of enlightenment being a "goal" to "achieve", an enlightenment experience is going to be interpreted as a very big problem. We are so quick to say something is abnormal that we don't stop to consider that we have never experienced "normal" at all.

The mind loves to create problems out of nothing. The dissolution of self is a very big problem... to the self. Enlightenment require transcendence of all identity, including and especially the identity and of oneself as "sane" over "crazy."

You can't know with thought. You are beyond thought or image. Your thought, perception and belief of an illusion. Control and body, is a thought duality. You seem to be controlling the body like the driver of a car seems to control it. Sometimes. Who beats your heart, who reminds you to breathe? Who digests your food? Does this require a controller or does it just occur for you? Itself. Reality projects and consumes (sees) its own content. Harry Potter isn't real but millions of children have enjoyed and adored his story and character regardless as the author enjoyed writing it. This isn't a very good pointer (haha), but it is interesting. If you point to yourself in reference to yourself in speech in front of another person, where do you point to?

You have to work through the beliefs, which involves cycles of meditation, learning and making connections, focus on new experiences, possibilities that feel good, and close examination and rewriting of the beliefs behind your suffering. Or more simply, when you were a kid you had a lot of time to think, play and be. Recreate that. It's never going to be like you were when you were a child because you've developed your abilities and intellect. When you clear the way of the false beliefs that got learned along with those things, it's better than ever. That's true maturity.

In the 50's and 60's there were really strong standards about how women should look and act, and there was a big reaction against it. If we would stop imposing standards on our children, anyone else, and including our own selves, there wouldn't be a problem. Standards aid us in judging others so we can feel like there are some external guidelines behind our own judgement, as if there's something to back it up. We forget that it's not about the standards themselves which are relative and arbitrary, but about the habit of judgement behind them.

Annoying intuition this morning told me to wear my Def Leppard tank top under my usual two thick sweaters. I just took off my sweater and remembered this and searched for Def Leppard music. I never knew this song even existed.

I just got back from the vet's office, and they were behind schedule but I had a really wonderful time talking to people. There was a black puppy there owned by a young guy and the dog's name was Rocky (my black dog Rocky died in May) and Muninn and Rocky played together a long time. There was a really nice lady there who told me about a dog park nearby and I got to learn the difference between Old English Bulldogs and English Bulldogs. This lady eventually brought in her dog, a white female who was absolutely wild. Her name was Suki. "Gender: Female. Origin: Japanese. Meaning: Beloved." The same delivery man who doesn't like dogs but also thinks he can mesmerize them also came in again, and ended up sort of sandwiched by circumstance between the enormous bulldog and Muninn.

"One day Narcissus was walking in the woods when Echo, an Oread (mountain nymph) saw him, fell deeply in love, and followed him. Narcissus sensed he was being followed and shouted "Who's there?". Echo repeated "Who's there?" She eventually revealed her identity and attempted to embrace him. He stepped away and told her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life in lonely glens until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis (as an aspect of Aphrodite[4]), the goddess of revenge, noticed this behaviour after learning the story and decided to punish Narcissus. Once, during the summer, he was getting thirsty after hunting, and the goddess lured him to a pool where he leaned upon the water and saw himself in the bloom of youth. Narcissus did not realize it was merely his own reflection and fell deeply in love with it, as if it were somebody else. Unable to leave the allure of his image, he eventually realized that his love could not be reciprocated and he melted away from the fire of passion burning inside him, eventually turning into a gold and white flower." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissus_(mythology) So in the end, Narcissus becomes the secret of the golden flower. Enlightened. It's not a sad ending, at all, it's a happy one.

This leads straight into my deepest fear though, the one that's beneath the surface of this visible iceberg and goes down through to the depths of the sea. What if no one ever reads the book? What if no one reads and appreciates this journal or whatever else I do? What if no one appreciates me? What if I can only ever appreciate myself? Isn't that narcissistic? Unsatisfactory? How could you be appreciating yourself if you were feeling unsatisfied? The two cannot coexist. How can it be narcissistic if there is no you and no other? Is Narcissus truly looking at his own reflection, or the water itself? Do you see that the choice or thought of interpretation of "seen" and "meaning" and "ownership" that makes all the difference? That, is what gives birth to judgement, that is what creates the narcissist and the empath, and yes my dear, if you are one of these you must also be the other. What if I am entirely alone? What if I am only talking to myself? Who am I? Whose hands are moving along the keyboard that you've already worn the letters off of, again? Whose voice speaks through the others in conversation with you during the times in which everything aligns, the ones you so deeply love and who's love and acceptance you long after? Who withholds this love? Who owns this love? Who can "see" another? Who knows the "right" things to say in response to another? Do you remember the day you crossed the brook on a fallen tree? It was hard to keep my balance so I reached out, and I grabbed some thin tree branches that were there. Oddly enough, when I was holding on to them, they gave me perfect balance and confidence, even though I knew intellectually that if I fell or even twisted them with my hand very much at all, they would break off in a second and fall into the water and rocks along with me. Were the branches magic? Or did they allow you to focus? What happened to Peter when he was walking on water and became aware of the strong wind? Can't you see the true teacher or guru is the insignificant tree branch? The moment that the guru or student imagines the guru himself to be a strong upholding force of his own inherent accord, his true purpose as a teacher has disappeared. Do you want to have the strong tree to lean on? Or do you want to be the focus that takes you all the way across the water? Do you need to be the strong tree for others who holds them "safely" in their place or the illusory soft branch that mysteriously serves in the awakening of Love, already residing in the heart?

What are the things that frequently trigger feelings of embarrassment in people? Altered states of consciousness, deep feelings, sex, drugs, shows of vulnerability, creative work, not being "all there". So essentially any time the mind is put aside to let something else through, any time the ego is threatened? What is the function of judgement? To protect the ego/cut oneself off from Love. What is the function of self judgement? To get ahead of or prevent judgement from others, so that one does not have to experience judgment from others, they first judge themselves in their head. No one will burn their book and write them hate letters if they never write it. Is there any difference between the one who is judging, the aspiring author who judges the ideas and therefore never writes them down, or the person who burns the book? No, it is the entirely same protection of self and rejection of Love occurring. So can anyone prevent something occurring by doing it first? If you were afraid that you were going to get in a car accident, would you decide to drive your car off a cliff, to "get ahead of it"? Do you see now how the law of attraction works? You do to yourself what you wouldn't have others do unto you. Did you just reverse and mirror The Golden Rule? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." No, but you did.

So how do "people" respond to forces of nature? With a random mix of judgments depending on their level of consciousness and how personaly affected they are by them at the time. Sometimes they are inspired and sometimes they are furious. So if an enthusiastic skier is thrilled if there's a blizzard and someone else curses it, wouldn't it make sense that a creative expression would also receive mixed reactions? Don't you already know this from the reactions of people to every creative project that's ever been manifested? Yes, but I need everyone to love me. *Giant face palm*

If I let go of judgmental thoughts, how will I know if I'm doing a good job or not? By the way it feels. No good, no work to be done. How can YOU do "good work"? Well you see, that's what I've been beating myself up about. I think that maybe I've been a complete fool on this forum, maybe in life in general, and am unworthy of delving into these topics at all. This journal is a major embarrassment, just like the others I wrote in the past. I'm an embarrassment. Maybe I've fucked up my life, maybe I am crazy and should have just stayed out of it all. Every time I plunge into a creative endeavor, or follow my dreams, I experience incredible highs and low lows in which I experience intense disappointment that everyone else didn't follow or appreciate the highs along with me. So who are these other people? Thoughts. My own judgmental thoughts. I blame other people for my own fear, my own lack of love for myself and them. Can you tell yourself a new story about the experience of creative power? She's wild, She's chaotic, She's the force of nature. She sinks ships, burns and topples houses, but She is the very life force they were created from.

I had a really general, but really bad thought or feeling today. I've made huge strides and as someone who dealt with depression quite a bit over every single winter. It doesn't even feel like winter. I see through the fantastically flawed mind interpretations behind the actual experience mostly now. Certain things lined up today to make me more "prone" to my old way of thinking, weather, illness, getting called into speak with the teacher about my son's behavior outburst. Actually curiosity and self love is increasing as I write because now that I think there were even more triggers than that. I ended up parking in a spot I never park in anymore, the same spot I parked in everyday for two years two years ago. And I saw and spoke to a friend I haven't seen but saw everyday two years ago. There weren't any thoughts leading up to it, complaining of the situation, or at least many of them. A half hour later I had this feeling or thought come in. It was a general feeling of despair and giving up on life in general but with the flavor/thought of twisting "what I know now" around and making non duality and isness (or isn'tness) into a liability. I felt it and then got curious about it, and recognized it as a judgmental thought, only the target of the judgement thought was my existence itself. Abraham Hicks talks about going general with your thinking about projects when you feel bad, going into specifics when you feel good. I wonder if with negative thoughts it works the opposite way, the more general the negative thought the worse it feels. "I don't like my nose" feels bad but much better than I don't like my existence. The curiosity broke through the feeling bad. Curiosity breaks through identification. Which is curious.

OH MY GOD! Most epic use of "nailed it" ever.

@Nahm Oh my God.

@Nahm Just wondering if you have any insights into the meaning of Jesus' referring to himself as the "Son of Man". Does it refer to spiritual evolution or the One?

No time, no others. You/I know myself so well. Oh wait, you already quoted that above! "Know thy self." I see how that fits in now.

@Lento Noticed an "exit only" sign and was thinking about it philosophically. Followed a truck that on the way back turned off and went in the exit only. I told myself "Let it lie" on the way home and it echoed in my head until the meaning changed, lie/lie. Got stuck behind a roadwork truck and a tractor trailer came up behind me really fast and tailgated me pushing me to pass before I was ready (so I unnecessarily thought). Feeling small, noticed the mudflap on the truck ahead of me. "Fairfield" We all be playing on a level field. I was wondering about why I like to remember and record synchronicity so much, who am I keeping this journal for, should I let it go? Then a song came on starting with the line... "I'm done hatin' myself for feelin'"

mean me an. Oh please don't get me going again. The world doesn't need another opossum lady. "Opossum, apostle, opossum, apostle!!!" No, but I keep going flippity flop between the two. OPOSSUM, APOSTLE! Elephant needs a chain. "Do not give all your attention away to the mind and the external world. There is another dimension where perfect enjoyment and peace can be accessed now. A place where nothing can affect you in a negative way—where you are safe. This is the dimension of your inner body. By focusing your attention on the energy field within, your awareness literally shifts toward the inner world. As you read this, simply keep some of your attention on the inner body—the heart, stomach, hands and feet. As you do this, feel the energy start to increase just as you become more aware of the present moment. Perhaps there are people around you and things happening. There also may be thoughts about what you want to get done today, concerns about this or that—but now you also feel an element of inner peace in spite of the external realities. You no longer feel pulled in multiple directions, no longer rushed, no longer clinging to external goals or results." -(Eckhart Tolle)

One dream, one soul, one prize, one goal One golden glance of what should be (It's a kind of magic) One shaft of light that shows the way No mortal man can win this day The bell that rings inside your mind It's a challenging the doors of time (It's a kind of magic) The waiting seems eternity The day will dawn of sanity It's a kind of magic (It's a kind of magic) There can be only one This rage that lasts a thousand years Will soon be gone This flame that burns inside of me I'm hearing secret harmonies The bell that rings inside your mind Is challenging the doors of time (It's a kind of magic) (It's a kind of magic) This rage that lasts a thousand years Will soon be, will soon be Will soon be gone Wooo...

@SilentTears If I create all meaning, what does this mean? How is that I'm able to ask such ridiculous questions? It means there are no actual external standards for truth and false. Is light a wave or a particle? Is the dress gold/white or black/blue? NEITHER. Shouldn't it be obvious? We create our own meaning. Unconsciously. We can't not create, but we can learn to create consciously. What do you want to create? Who wants it? It's like anything could happen. https://www.illusionsindex.org/i/schroeder-stairs https://www.sciencealert.com/here-s-why-you-can-t-see-all-12-black-dots-in-this-crazy-optical-illusion "First discovered in the 1990s, the Scintillating Grid Illusion takes advantage of a neural process called lateral inhibition, which describes how an excited neuron in the brain tends to reduce the activity of its neighbours." Isn't that just like us? One of us gets overly excited about something and everyone else is like, "CALM THE FUCK DOWN." Great post here. https://www.sapienism.com/post/__icu The video is from the end of the post. I had a feeling/image like I was on a train this morning in meditation.

@Nahm

I just asked my husband if my insane word linking made sense, he said no. I was already feeling very lacking in self love and suggested that maybe he just can't see the connections, something like that. Care killed the cat? Fail. Looked up apophenia and went down that judgement self-diagnosis rabbit hole for a while. CraAAAZY. My husband left to get supper and said there was a synchronicity there, the song I was talking about "Blinding Lights" by The Weeknd was playing there. We were talking about it a few days ago, he said he had a song from Final Fantasy named Blinded by Light. In my last youtube video I had an impulse to wear an orange glass pyramid necklace. Strange because I already dressed in green, and ended up changing. I had an impulse to wear it again today. The sy synchronicity reminded me of Truth Addict in Syria and I messaged him to ask him how he is. He replied and complemented me on my videos, and said I looked like a real witch with the necklace and orange in the latest one. Right before I had my daughter, a glass artist I had really admired randomly listed that orange pyramid for sale after going years without listing a single thing. The artist's name, and the piece is signed, Randall Burnett. It was right after my realization that "I am light" when I sat to meditate. The thing just glows with light. At the time pyramids meant nothing to me. I felt such a connection to it, I bought it. I never wore it at all until last year. Later thought that I shouldn't have because I was trying to be good with money but didn't have good judgement because I was about to pop. (Strange changes in the brain occur right before you give birth, hormones, etc.) In FACT, here's the embarrassing moment that happened before I had my son. I was driving home from a doctor's appointment and had been driving for an hour and half and was very tired, I was right about to pop. It was night and I had a new car and wasn't yet familiar with the dash lights. I came up behind a car and forgot to turn my high beams off. I drove behind him a while until he pulled over. I went by and noticed what I'd done, that I had blinded him with my lights and felt awful. He got directly behind me, and turned his high beams on and rode there to do the same to me. I was scared and I also felt awful, and hurt. He had no idea I was tired, pregnant and in an unfamiliar car. Even 9 months pregnant, I had a lot of pride at the time, so I drove extremely fast until he gave it up. pyre, fire, pyramid, py ra mid, peeramid peer amid The eye on the pyramid on our money? Hello? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_of_Providence peer, peer double meaning, "look keenly or with difficulty at someone or something." OR "a person of the same age, status, or ability as another specified person." SEE? We are all reflected in one another. I want to cry. Look at the picture on the song, Indra's net, the lights reflected in his sun glasses. Sitting here staring and my husband asks, "did you call my name?" No. I did not. "Call out my name..." I guess the weekend is over.

"The lowercase letter psi (ψ) indicates the wave function in quantum mechanics and electric flux in electrical engineering." I don't know if I have an extreme case of monkey mind or if it's burning up. Or both.