mandyjw

THIS IS THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF CONFESSION. To see that shame is imposed on oneself, that suffering is self created.

Yesterday I took my dog out to poop and I realized that I could chose either to stare at his butt hole or I could look at the sunset.

Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

Last night I dreamed that I called my brother in law and he thought I was someone else and started talking about these strange things and seemed very disturbed. I interrupted him and told him who I was and he said he couldn't talk to me then. I have really strange karmic or energetic history with him. He is incredibly smart and charming, but he can go back and forth from being a completely lazy selfish asshole to being the most charming intelligent person you've ever encountered. He never treated my husband very good. When we first started dating he got really mean to him. A couple years things improved and later he cast a sort of spell on me (*cough* *cough*) and I started being flirtatious with him. The memory of this brings out such self judgement it feels like a rock in my stomach and the urge to throw up. I guess this is why these sort of egoic fantasies arise, because we think we live in reality, and these kinds of situations with the attraction energy behind them, bring out the repressed desires we aren't letting ourselves have and live and be and know as one and already fulfilled. I have this projection of him that swings from attraction to complete aversion. This seems par for the course now. Later after my husband's parents got the devilish/charming Pastor and shunned him for the last year of college, my brother in law was just starting a relationship with their eldest daughter, as the Pastor got kicked out and that fell apart. All his family remember who were forbidden to speak to him made contact with him again. His brother didn't. He said nothing. We got married, and his brother wasn't asked to be in the wedding at all. Later I must have had a dream about him and wrote out a long... Holy Fuck. I've left a trail of words everywhere. For years I've avoided messaging him on Facebook because I knew all the old messages would be there. That feeling in my stomach wouldn't let me read them again. What did I write? The first message I'd forgotten entirely, an extremely looooong account of what happened with Jon and his parents. It was innocent entirely and trying to resolve his relationship with Jon. I signed in "Love in Christ" Along with this Easter egg. Proverbs 27:5. Better is open rebuke than hidden love. "There is a proverb that says open rebuke is better than hidden love. Love is meant to be shown. I personally don’t think it’s possible to totally ignore someone and love them at the same time." His response was even longer and sent in email. I guess that's been deleted. The second thing I said was a clarification of something that I simply over thought. Completely innocent. My own guilt and self judgement made an innocent situation into one I felt awful about. Why did I think my messages were anything to be embarrassed about? Ohhh... I see why I needed to do this now. In the past few years he was hired as part of the family company after having no interest in it previously. I found this extremely suspicious, threatening and inconvenient to me. It ended up being an enormous mess and blowing up entirely so that he left. I made it an internal drama in my mind and tried to get my husband to do and say things to control the situation but he held fast and did nothing and waited it out. After getting into spirituality more recently, I decided to teach myself to swim in the ocean. The water is extraordinarily cold here, and these experiences have been some of the most memorable and spiritual ones. On a trip to the beach with my in laws I went too far in the waves and got knocked down and swept under. I've wrote about that day before. "At first I was resisting the cold water so I walked into the water slowly. The waves were so strong you had to carefully watch for them, try to predict them, brace yourself for them and bury your feet in the sand. Some of them were simply too strong and you had judge them from a distance and retreat. After playing this game too long, one got me, I got swept under, it slammed me against the sand so hard I was bleeding. That's how I learned that if you want to swim in the waves you have to jump in and swim, and then you just fucking float and bob along with the waves." On the day this happened my brother in law was sitting dry on the beach with his wife and kid and at the time I was wearing this baseball cap, it was light green with pink flamingos on it. After I got swept under it was gone. I tried to get it back as the waves kept bringing it back, and taking it back out again just out of my reach, but it was incredibly difficult and I was still kind of shocked and embarrassed, so I gave up. I did not notice that the entire time my brother in law had been watching closely and was looking for it as well. He got it back for me even getting kinda soaked in the process. This was maddening to me. I was so inherently charmed and appreciative, by someone who's guts I hated. All my conflicting emotions were present and I didn't know how to think or feel anymore. No assertion. All self judgment. It's really truly quite... stunning. I googled the meaning of his name. It's exactly the same as my husband's name. "Gift from God." I had another dream which showed to me the embarrassment I sometimes feel about my husband. No assertion. Need to control/self judgement. Lots of complicated yet very simple fragmentation going on there. This topic was discussed by Laura Doyle, and made me feel a lot better and understand how it's self created.

@Gnosis As old wiring in the brain is retired, new connections are made and new wiring must be laid, which means new thoughts (insights). But first you have to cut the power off to it (meditate) or it will zap you when you try to rewire it.

@Thewritersunion There's a little shrine in my heart with a Jesus statue and a Harry Potter action figure standing right next to him. I know that you're not supposed to have idols but I dolls are totally ok.

Meditation has strengthened my inner monologue. Can I get my money back?

Have you ever studied how interconnected trees are? It's so profound that we can only start to fathom and appreciate it. Its roots and branches are shaped like a fractal, coming together as one where earth and air split. Trees communicate through the earth with each other through connections with mycelium networks in the soil and through electrical, hormonal chemical signals through the air. Science is only beginning to explore this. We scientifically and intellectually don't even understand the mechanics of how it is that sap flows upwards from the roots to the branches in the spring. Our existence, no matter what area of study you zoom in on, is too mind blowingly amazing and connected to be real. Psychology, spirituality, science, art, philosophy, literature are all arbitrary separations under the guise of focus on a single subject, that actually obscure the depth of what each points to. Your connection, and your connection with other humans in ways manifested and non-manifested is also beyond what is real. Have you considered how many systems in your body including your nervous system branches just like a tree? So who is the only one who has the ability to say that trees are separate from one another or even ourselves? What's special about us is that we have the ability to delude ourselves into believing that we are separate entities. The mind's purpose is to... 1. Select 2. Separate 3. Imagine (and therefore create in one motion) Are either of those uses bad? NO!!! So why is the purpose of enlightenment described as going "beyond" the mind? What does that even mean? Can the thing that separates, then separate itself from itself? Our mind patterns spin their wheels like a car stuck in the mud, burning gas and getting nowhere. The energy gets stuck in a loop of fear of being a separate self, and trying to secure itself with something "outside" it which perpetuates this loop. Instead of flowing throughout all the energetic systems within and without, it is inverted and "burns" itself like a short circuit. In other words, these kinds of thoughts do not feel good. The mind is so creative with the fear it creates, that it does not see how all its different "negative" emotions can all be boiled down to the illusion of fear in its creation of the I. The entire purpose of enlightenment or anything we search for is to feel good. Paradoxically only the mind can make the distinction of "good" and in doing so creates bad, fear and I in one swift movement. Enlightenment is connection and loss of self and separation so deep that there is no good. This desire becomes "good" when it is that. Seeing through this and doing the opposite by renouncing desires gets you nowhere, you will still be stuck in the loop because you created "opposite". The desire to feel good is not "bad", it is in truth desire for connection. Wisdom is knowing that what we want is connection, and that wanting to feel any way other than we do is disconnection. You are always love, you are always loved, you are always connected, so much so that you have the freedom to convince yourself otherwise. Depression and bad feelings themselves are gifts that you are too busy trying to get rid of, pawn off on "others", or throw away to even realize that it's a gift. For you. The wrapping paper may be ugly. It may be elaborately wrapped in many layers. But it is energy, and all energy is connection. The mind doesn't want to accept this kind of connection, so it pushes it away and calls it bad, or labels it depression. "I want to feel good. I don't want this." If it instead got curious, and wanted to know what was underneath the ugly wrapping paper long enough to recognize that it was a present it would laugh at itself. So how do you open the gift? This is where the duality between mind and no mind must die. You must embrace the paradox of curiosity and being. Curiosity means observing yourself, asking questions, studying, reading and learning with a passion. It is the "ask and you shall receive". The energy masquerades as pain and disconnection when the entire time it was pure Love/Connection. Being means knowing and practicing ending the spinning wheel thoughts loops that arise by paying attention to how you feel, and when you think a thought that feels bad, you connect with the infinitely connected forest of being by taking conscious breaths. Now take a step back and look at this BEAUTIFUL irony here. If you select and focus on one tree it is simultaneously none other than the entire forest. That's why using the mind to focus without exclusion, allows one tree to connect with the entire forest of being. Is focus selective? No, because true focus is oneness with the object of focus. It is only the mind that create the idea/ or opposite possibility of distraction. Can't see the trees for the forest? Worried about distractions? HAHA, there are no distractions, until you think about them. There is a fractal forest of connection within and without. Connect with breath and one point of focus (stomach breathing, feeling sensations as they are) and the caught wasted energy will disperse throughout. Eventually, theoretically (it's none you YOUR business you sneaky sneak) the brain is rewired as connection. These two steps or opposites, curiosity and being, are essentially what the law of attraction is teaching. Esther Hicks and the Law of Attraction fundamentally teaches you how to have no desires by indulging itself to go into what us self proclaimed spiritual people may judge as "shallow examples" such as winning the lottery. In "contrast" or in addition to the miracle of connection, Leo's work, Ramana Maharshi and other "focused" teachings are incredibly important. But remember, you are where the paradox is resolved. You are the focus itself. It is miraculously so complex yet so simple, that the mind cannot grasp neither the complexity nor simplicity of it. To further study the self created mind "loop" of self created fear, I highly suggest reading this thread. and other posts by @Faceless

I shouldn't have had to journal a bunch of fuckery to get these insights. < My willingness to see "fuckery" as the profound is key. I have been very fond of the word "fuckery" ever since I first heard it. (Is this thought necessary, or more fuckery?) There is no I and no fuckery. As much as I love the word, the judgment behind it doesn't feel good. Fuckery = "God works in mysterious ways." There we go. Glad to rewrite that belief. Can I still use the word fuckery? Do you still use the word God? Awakening and spiritual work isn't what I "thought" it would be. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. I am ignoring my business and responsibilities for spiritual pursuits into crazy land. < I've never been so fucking inspired and fulfilled. The house is a little messy. < You have the ability to focus and nothing is "ignored", out of reach or not taken care of. 38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” 41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

You have to lose yourself to manifest. There's no I to want and there's no time, which complicates matters from the limited mind's perspective. So whatever you wanted when you were 5 years old may manifest in strange way once you merge with the flow of being. The greater goal is the common goal of the all which is Know itself, which is equal to Love. So you see the problem with "I" want to manifest a pink elephant, right here, right now so I can prove that to myself. If that serves the great "I" then you can. Question is, are you proving yourself to yourself or are you proving Yourself to Yourself?

Love is Knowledge. Knowledge is Love. OHHHH. Oh. Oh. Oh. Nope, never mind, I have no idea.

Good luck!

Ever thought about how absurd jigsaw puzzles are? Why would someone take a perfect beautiful picture and cut it into hundreds of intricate little pieces, mix them up and throw them all into a box. For fun?! Right? Who knew? Want love/be love/create. All one. Such a relief that I don't have to be responsible for any of that.

What's the difference between ignorance and innocence? Self judgement with implied standards and expectations. Self Love. Edit. Desire. Ignorance is a mirror. The observer of ignorance sees ignorance where there is innocence but desires wisdom, ignorant that it sees its own innocence and innocent of its own desire to know itself, so that it can love fully. How beautiful are we?

It's really fascinating to "see" in your experience that all your suffering is "self" created by the imaginary "self". It is truly a phenomenon. If there was someone who owned the suffering, and didn't want to feel it, it would shame itself and call it sin. Easter egg, phenomenons are FASCINATING. If you "see" the phenomenon occurring, its fascinating. If you are it, it's just a sin/shame loop. Why does it feel amazing to be fascinated by something? Because that's what you came here for. It's is consciousness conscious of itself. The mind is constantly thinking for others implying that it's the other who is judging when all judgment is self created. I must be sane. (I am afraid of being insane) I must be respected. (I don't respect myself and need other people to respect me) I must just sit here spinning my wheels, hiding my light in case it annoys someone. Why? Because if that happens, I'll blame myself. Ah, the strange loop of fear. Fascinating.

Last night I got this statement that came from "nowhere" that said (sadness, depression, any negative emotion?) is a gift that you're too busy trying to throw away to open.

Wait M83 Set your dreams where nobody hides Give your tears to the tide No time No time There's no end, there is no goodbye Disappear with night No time No time No time No time No time "Your mind is imagining reality on the fly." There he is, I caught him with his fly mask off this time. "I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly." Hurry Up, We're Dreaming. "Cause everything is never as it seems."

A flow state is oneness. It's not something you do. There isn't much difference between meditation and a flow state, but a flow state is when you are so one with what you are doing that intense energy rises and overtakes you. The key similarity is that there aren't many thoughts going on, so it's as if the doer steps aside. That's why mastery is learning to do something so well, that it's as if you're on autopilot. There's no one judging or asking "how am I doing?", there's just doing. You get there by finding your purpose in the moment without seeking it out. "Meditation", appreciation and intuition make what seems impossible and contradictory possible. As you grow in consciousness you will find that more and more things grab you/you get better at attracting those things into your experience. As you are transformed, so is the world. For example maybe the same book you slogged through in high school becomes absolutely fascinating. Love what you do, do what you love. Expand your horizons, get curious, learn, push boundaries. See the best of yourself reflected in everything, everywhere you go. Eventually it consumes you/ you consume it. Oneness at rest, oneness in action, doesn't matter. Same One.

Even misalignment is infinitely aligned. Even the static is infinitely evolving. lucus a non lucendo ""absurd etymology," generally "anything illogical, outrageous hypothesis," 1711, from the Latin phrase, taken as the outstanding example of such an error. "A grove (lucus) [is so called] from not (a non) being light (lucendo, ablative of lucere "to shine;" see light (n.))." That is, it is called a grove because light doesn't get into it. This explanation is found in a commentary on Virgil (Aeneid 1.22) by Servius, a 4th century grammarian, among other places. Other ancient grammarians (notably Quintilian) found it paradoxical and absurd. Modern scholarship, however, concludes that lucus and lucere probably do both come from the same PIE root (*leuk-) meaning "light, bright." De Vaan writes: "Lucus 'sacred grove, wood,' from PIE *louk-o- 'light place,' with cognates in Sanskrit loka- 'free space, world,' Lithuanian laukas 'field, land,' Latvian lauks 'field, clearing in the woods,' Old High German loh 'clearing' and English lea 'open field, meadow, piece of untilled grassy ground.' " Apparently the primeval notion in *louk-o- was a lighter place in a thick forest. Migration, change of climate, or felling of the woods might have shifted the meaning." https://www.etymonline.com/word/lucus a non lucendo ill illuminate illusion ludicrous (adj.) 1610s, "pertaining to play or sport" (a sense now obsolete), from Latin ludicrus "sportive" (source of Old French ludicre), from ludicrum "amusement, game, toy, source of amusement, joke," from ludere "to play." illude (v.) early 15c., "to trick, deceive; treat with scorn or mockery," from Latin illudere "to make sport of, scoff at, mock, jeer at," from assimilated form of in- "in, into" (from PIE root *en "in") + ludere "to play" (see ludicrous). illume (v.) "illuminate," c. 1600, from French illumer, contraction of illuminer, from Latin illuminare "light up, make light, illuminate" (see illumination). Related: Illumined; illumining.

Just breathe. SO SIMPLE and yet SO COMPLEX. BRILLIANT. brilliant. brilliantly played. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Is this the end of the story... ? Who wants to know?

My Love for Myself is so perfect and whole and entirely free that it can judge itself without judging. Love is so Blind that Sees and loves itself. Adam- man Amanda I went for a run and noticed that all the snapping and popping was the massive sheets of ice cracking and settling as the tide went out. tide/edit Feel free to make edits to the story of your life. Blame/thank the moon. On the way back the sun was shining off the sheets of ice so strongly in so many directions it was blinding. Light so bright it blinds itself. Clarity. Paradise. Got an apple from the fridge and washed it. Looked at it in the sunlight with the light glistening off the water droplets. The apple is infinite Imagination and Beauty. It's such a deep brilliant red, that's so beautifully complex it can't be called "red". Nothing True can be said about it. So I'll consume it and it will become my voice and praise its own Self.

@Nahm The ineffable mind F.

"Just so you know, "Pop Goes the Weasel" was really profound. So thank you but don't write on my board again." "See, I knew I could write something that boring on the wall and you'd be like "That's a great insight!!!" Because that's how your mind is working right now." "I think you need a new mirror. That one is getting decimated." He said. The frame is falling off my mirror. "Or I could just tape bubble wrap around it." POP, goes the weasel." I replied. "Pop goes the world." Happily Ever After happily ever after era/are Of COURSE it was about judgement. SELF judgement. OH MY GOD!

My husband has been vandalizing my dream board lately, which has been annoying to me, even though ironically yesterday I was thinking about nonduality and art and how obscene graffiti is art as much as fine art. I just noticed that he wrote, "Pop Goes the Weasel World" on it. The weasel is sneaky.. Sometimes external "dots" and signs have to connect before deeper connections can be made. I just realized that I give myself "gifts", I literally manifest signs so I can feel alignment with love. They are also pointers pointing me along. They give me confidence and reassurance, like intermittent rewards among the infinite. I spent my entire "life" with a deep desire to know Divine Love, believing that it was something outside of me... because I believed there was a me. Love is always implicit. Therefore, whenever anyone speaks of Truth without speaking of Love, they have chosen to never make the implicit explicit. How could this be a problem? How could this ever be a threat to the implicit Love itself? To the mind this sounds obvious. You know this already, right? Do you know it implicitly? Do you know that Love is implicit, implicitly? This is the deepest mind fuck, it's so deep, it's right on the surface, right under our noses and was the entire time. Right under our noses? You mean explicit? How can THAT be? Because what do two negatives make? What do two "implicits", make? That is how I can be... yet there is no "I." Love is neither explicit nor implicit. "Effort/time as the i, implicitly sets its own limit and continuously tries to exceed that limit."-Faceless Self Love is simply feeling, feeling when you've "got it right" and wisdom is "seeing" that judgment and separation feels bad. Is a feeling implicit? Only if there's a you. That's what makes feeling both. It only ever exists in your own internal experience. That's all. The only feeling that is ever TRUE is Love. True meditation is Feeling, Being Love. You can only know by how it feels. There's no one and nothing outside of you. Every teacher, teaching, experience and person is an aspect of you. It does not have the ability to resonate or be wrong. You only ever make yourself feel wrong, by making yourself out of whatever fragmentation and abstraction you create. Letting go of self judgement and giving in to Self Love means letting go of all fear. It also means letting go of all fear and all internally felt discord of responsibility. It's too good to be true. "All around the cobbler’s bench The monkey chased the weasel. The monkey thought ’twas all in good fun, Pop! goes the weasel." Pop.

@Marc Schinkel Heard a song on the radio last night and pulled this line out of it "One two three and four is five" "Everybody here is a friend of mine." "Pop Goes the World" Apparently my 80's music knowledge was not perfect. Went outside and it's brutally cold and there are ice quakes and constant popping I've never heard before. Went to sleep and in a sleep state it felt like the popping was coming within/without. Came down and turned on my computer and the time was 12:34. The sky is completely clear and the stars are all out clearly, what a beautiful winternight.