mandyjw

I noticed how much there's a tendency to want to control how meditation is going. There's a controller who wants to check in and know how it's doing, even though every time it does it disrupts the process. Its need to measure, know and control is the only thing that "threatens" what's going on. There's also a more physical feeling of trying to make myself center, like a need to feel that I have a center. I thought of an analogy for this and thought of a master piano player who is performing and there's a young child who tries to coach him through everything he's doing with the belief that the piano player needs to improve. The child doesn't understand that the music is for him to enjoy. Then I thought of Schroeder and Lucy. https://kotaku.com/how-peanuts-used-lucy-and-schroeder-to-explore-dysfunct-1825694862 It is only the "controller" itself who wants to get rid of the child, who it calls "controller". Does the musician know that the child is there for him to enjoy as the music is for the child to enjoy or does he wish it would go away?

My first "glimpse" or "break" was staring at the snow on some tall pine trees. The name of the town it happened in is hilarious. I had the insight that a diagnosis can't be denied or accepted. When my son was first diagnosed with Autism, I didn't accept it and didn't know if I should believe it. To make it even more confusing, they told us that he was very difficult to diagnose. I had to accept it in order to see that I needed to take action to get him extra services. But if I use the label as an excuse that I think I know him or that I know what to expect I miss the incredibly unique love that he is. This thread... SO many things. This response by @Nahm struck me. What's the difference between honesty and responsibility? Which should one choose over the other? Who is "one" responsible to? OneSelf. There's your integrity, there's your loss of the chooser. There was only a conflict when you thought there was a separate self and others. For the past few days the back of my neck hurts at the base of my skull. It feels like a type of headache, sometimes like neck pain but I've never had it before. Can't seem to figure it out.

Does it blow your mind that you can do both? Exactly.

I've never played but my son came and showed me that one day and I was blown away. True creativity comes from the one place. There are a lot of double deeper meanings in song lyrics and creative works if you have eyes to see and ears to hear.

@dimitri Always loved Heart.

@Ingit Don't look for dysfunction, it is like asking a thief to house sit for you and expecting a great outcome. It is using your ego mind to watch itself. The ego assumes that it is flawed, (which is an incorrect assumption) and then gives itself the job of prove itself right. That's why it's killing your energy. Pay attention to how you feel. Use meditation to get in touch with feeling and your body. When a thought that feels bad comes up focus on something else. I would do this a lot when I was driving and had a lot of time to think. As soon as I thought a thought that felt bad or that I knew was from the ego I'd look for something beautiful in my surroundings to notice. Make a conscious effort to appreciate things around you more. Nature is a fantastic tool for this, but no matter where you are there's something to appreciate. Listen to music, lift your mood. Once you've reached a state of "high" consciousness you can go into the depths of examining any sort of "problem" but to you it will no longer be a problem and so the solution is always right there at hand. You need to work up to this state by dropping thoughts, and or picking up and training thoughts that feel amazing to think. Do not "look for" problems until you're there.

If you look for dysfunction, you'll find just that. Have you studied the law of attraction? Esther Hicks is a great place to start.

@dimitri Of course!

This is SO good and leads into spirituality and enlightenment beautifully. The success of a long term relationship is really about your own connection with you.

Trying to figure out "why" and "how" "this happens." My mind can't make sense of it. Was I lucky, blessed, predisposed, so horribly cursed to be lost in thinking and need to control that I had no choice to push through it? To break through the wall? All/neither of the above? I came in like a wrecking ball... I was thinking about this and my son asked a moment after what happens if you break a chick out of its shell early. I explained that you couldn't do that, you have to wait until the chick is ready to hatch and it breaks through the inside itself. "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." There's nobody doing anything. I put on a necklace this afternoon. Speaking of gifts, my friend randomly gave it to me right before we stopped talking to each other. We were so close and the falling out so bitter that I considered getting rid of it. It's from an artist who makes pendants out of antique wax seals. It's two lion's paws holding a heart between them. The similarity to my current avatar struck me for the first time. I looked it up online to see if I could dig up a deeper meaning or representation. It's from an antique livery button not a seal. The word livery comes from the French livree meaning to liberate or bestow. During or shortly after the "awakening" (I don't even know anymore) I did something that threw me out of the vortex good and hard. Care killed the cat. I had so many self judgmental thoughts because the circumstances were so under fire and my mind was untrained. I bit off more than I could chew. I do not want to be the enlightened master who lives in a cave. I want to push the limits. Is there a vortex really? It's an incredibly valuable concept. Is there an in and out or is that an excuse to judge yourself? The vortex cannot be known, only felt as being, now. Judgement isn't a thought, it's a feeling. Feeling is only now. Feeling is our guidance within the story of creation. I just had an experience that flashed me back to that time, because all judgmental bad feeling thoughts about it since have paved the way there. In some sort of shame patterning that was both a rejection of my awakening and a deep desire to understand and go back there, I was separating myself from it. I have felt recently like this desire is fulfilled/fulfilling, therefore the "I don't know anymore". Is this why we have to clear karma? If you know that you are the vortex and there is nothing but the present moment, how you're doing is completely inconsequential. Yet somehow paradoxically magically, telling the story with new eyes, rewriting the story from the vortex, from the perspective of you're inner being... Ok, ok. I'm not in the vortex for that right now though, so love is finding where that is now.

She thinks she's helpless, he thinks he's responsible. Of course! https://www.thevintagenews.com/2017/03/10/the-origin-of-the-heart-shape-ideograph-as-a-symbol-of-love/ DEAR JESUS. The half dollar. Liberty, In God We Trust. (You're not doing any of it, so relax.) E pluribus unum – Latin for "Out of many, one" – is a traditional motto of the United States, appearing on the Great Seal, and the eagle. Imagining reality on the fly. George Washington born on 2/22. Saturday is 2/22/2020

Totally conscious, and apropos of nothing, you come to see me. Is someone here? I ask. The moon. The full moon is inside your house. My friends and I go running out into the street. I'm in here, comes a voice from the house, but we aren't listening. We're looking up at the sky. My pet nightingale sobs like a drunk in the garden. Ringdoves scatter with small cries, Where, Where. It's midnight. The whole neighborhood is up and out in the street thinking, The cat burglar has come back. The actual thief is there too, saying out loud, Yes, the cat burglar is somewhere in this crowd. No one pays attention. Lo, I am with you always means when you look for God, God is in the look of your eyes, in the thought of looking, nearer to you than your self, or things that have happened to you There's no need to go outside. Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself. A white flower grows in quietness. Let your tongue become that flower. - Rumi

I was dreaming of spring (this time of year I always dream of tropical beaches and spring and this year I just allow it and it's pure enjoyment without the weight of time) and thought about lilacs. I was so enchanted with the memory of last year's lilacs that I thought to write it on my dream board. There is one gift a boy gave me that I remember more fondly than ever. It was the same one who annoyed me sometimes, who I already journaled about who drew me as his wife on the calendar page, but one spring day he brought me and the other girls in our class lilacs that he had picked waiting before the bus came. I'd never really seen or smelled lilacs before that. Not only did he bring me flowers, but the first knowledge/experience of something I would love my entire life. I can feel my face start to get red, at the embarrassment of letting myself be drawn into pure fantasy and romance, and then tears flow down with the realization that that's exactly what I came to do. I see that love, romance, fantasy and gifts can be freely accepted without remorse, shame, guilt or fear. Too good to be true? It is. Why would I create Dr.P to come through as a persona and a literal real life awakened past "being", with a book he had written about a story that broke the duality between fantasy and reality. As much as I had loved Jesus, and as much as I had loved Harry Potter, Dr.P was where the duality between "actual past" and "fictional fantasy" came to die. And I had come to love him before I even knew about him. I had come to be obsessed with that spot on the river, where I went just to appreciate the beauty of nature and my beautiful kids playing in it. It consumed me and I couldn't understand it. Then the stroller rolling away in the cemetery, the joke of the poison nightshade growing on a herbal healers grave, the lost and found again mittens, the impulse to read the book, and then finding the remains of his house, and that they had overlooked the spot on the river the entire time. He came through my love of the "past" and nature to give me gifts, insights and such a strong force of love to overcome my assumptions about reality. It's complete, beautifully written fantasy. So is my path, my existence, my entire life. It's consuming itself in an act of Love. I have played a damsel in distress, but in doing so I am the dragon who threatens her. I have created a fantasy of a knight in shining armor who rescues me from my self imposed bleak prison of existence. Why do I create so many spiritual warrior heros? I am a psychological whore of the heart mind. Oh the spiritual "teachers" I have I loved and let in. Jesus, John, Harry Potter, C.S.Lewis, Leo, Ekhart Tolle, D.P and so many others. Because I am them too. And no one is responsible for any of it. "Responsibility and desire just butt heads, they don't really do well together." -Esther Perell Ohhhh.. shit. She says at the end "Merry Valentine's" It was posted on Valentine's Day. I shared this in the dating section without realizing this synchronicity. What did you tell him about responsibility on Valentine's Day? What day did you join the forum on 4 years ago? What have you dug up Mandy, what are you doing? Are you holding a shovel right now? No? Then no one is digging anything up. This is so embarrassing! Why am I on a forum full of intelligent practical men talking about love, romance and little girl's fantasies? You mean to ask, "who is responsible for that? "

hallucinating A day or two ago I had an intuition to check a flower box on my shelf with trinkets in it that I was keeping for the kids to play with. There were four things and all interconnected with things that had come into my awareness. A melting snowman bead (the Rumi verse about melting snow, melting snowmen from Calvin and Hobbes). A mountain lion charm. A half dollar that said Liberty on it. And a gold bear charm I've had since I was 5. I didn't think much about the charm, but now I remember the story. In kindergarten me and Alex got along quite well. His mother was "worldly" and educated him about relationships between boys and girls. I remember him mentioning the word sex. I assured him that he was very confused, that the word was actually "slacks" and he was using the strange word my Grandmother used to refer to pants. At some point I told him that if I was going to be his girlfriend he had better give me something gold. So his mother dug up this gold plated teddy bear charm for him to give to me and told my mother the hilarious story about how he came home telling her that he needed something gold to give to me. Mom thought this was hilarious and repeated this story to me, which I immediately charged with lots of feelings of self judgement and I always felt kinda stupid and guilty whenever I looked at the charm in my jewelry box. It's very strange that through all the minimalism purges I still have it. I talked about his mother before in this journal, about how she commented on what a dramatic personality change I went through in school, from confident and fun to scared and timid. I had always blamed my teachers, but that was an excuse. This connects in strange ways that I'll skip over to when my husband proposed to me. It was in a restaurant. With people around. Horrors. I never felt comfortable with the engagement ring. It was a simple gold ring with a small diamond. Later seeing the movie Blood Diamond made it worse. It stayed in the jewelry box, never worn, like the bear charm. I wore my wedding bands. Lost one down a register and never found it. I bought myself the antique garnet ring and an antique ring band. The garnet ring was my prized possession. I loved dreaming about who owned it before, how i felt about it wasn't logical at all. I gave it to the crows after the awakening, leaving it on the poison nightshade branch on Dr.P's grave.

Because Love as a concept that is even less helpful than the symbol of the heart in my avatar, it makes sense that some teachers do not speak of the entire purpose of creation and being. It also makes sense that because you are all teachings and everything in between them and in "you" and in that "Love" they merge and go to die in union, that this would ultimately be inconsequential. I wonder if teachers who don't speak of love don't speak it out of love or if they don't speak it out of fear of misleading their students. Likewise I wonder if teachers who speak of love speak of it out of fear that their students will miss it, or if they speak of love out of love. Let Love speak itself when it so desires. As infinite creation it is already doing just that.

Yes, the words we use use us on so many levels! Words are the beginning of thoughts manifesting to forms, thoughts turning into communication, so I suppose it would make sense that words would be so powerful. There are so many strange pointers and synchronicity to be found in language. This is so profound and so easily glossed over. The speed of light is commonly denoted c. See? Of course! course 1.the route or direction followed by a ship, aircraft, road, or river. So "of course" is like saying "of path". time spelled backwards is emit, dogma spelled backwards is amgod devil spelled backwards is lived, evil spelled backwards is live "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1

There's a subtle or not so belief that if "I" do things right I'll attract more direction and Easter eggs. I was taught this belief with great results, now I need to forget it. BUT DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND! I saw you admiring the way the snow sparkled infinitely in the sun, now is that mundane or an "Easter egg"? The speed of light is commonly denoted c. See? Of course! course 1.the route or direction followed by a ship, aircraft, road, or river. I have never thought about a "course" being the same thing as "of course".

@dimitri You're welcome! Your inner being only looks forward and it is very good to be curious.

If you're trying to fix another "self" to live up to some nonexistent ideal for what the "self" should be, then you're building off of a flawed assumption as most psychotherapists are. I believe that there is great value in having someone to "listen", which is magnified exponentially if they have a deep knowledge of non duality. It's where the deeper meaning of "this work must be done alone" is revealed and it is seen that "alone" or "together" are false mind made conditions.

@remember I just noticed this a couple days ago when I looked at my profile, I joined the forum 4 years ago on Valentine's Day. The image in my avatar came to me in a vision, it's sort of like a claddagh ring but you know what it's missing? The crown.

Took me a while to dig this up so I'm putting it here.

Perhaps it happened that way because I am anima, becoming conscious of animus.

@remember Guess that's why @Faceless talked so much about being headless.

Abraham Hicks, study the law of attraction.