mandyjw

If God is Love, you cannot see clearly unless you see with eyes of Love, not with the eyes of someone wanting something to be some other way. Even though on the human level this LOOKS like love and compassion, ask yourself, if you were sick and suffering would you want to be seen as the divine light that you are, or a sick person suffering? There could be some incredible reason that has yet to unfold. Sometimes those reasons are revealed to us and sometimes they aren't. Even so it's likely that here and now your friend wants to be seen for who she is beyond the limitations of her form. That's what we all really want the most after all. We all have that in common, some are conscious of this desire and some aren't yet.

Even being positionless is still a position. No teacher or organization can be positionless. The irony is that you have to pick a certain direction to point your finger in, even if you want to point at nothing. It's not about the position of actualized.org, it's where you meet it. It's more like moving with the current, swimming downstream, always at rest, always at motion. We are used to pushing against things to make them happen, we are used to having a lot of beliefs that exclude us from ever experiencing or realizing certain things. Just like the irony of having to chose a direction to point at nothing, you sometimes have to entertain new beliefs to unravel old ones.

The color wheel is already both limited and infinite.

It's really just cause they wanna be like Walter White in Breaking Bad. It's a sign of transformation you know.

Lately it seems like when old patterns of "Oh my god, this is a disaster" come up, or "asking" happens, the solution is swift at its heals (heels, funny "mis"spelling there). The past couple days after the fit I threw in front of my husband about being a terrible mother have been great weather, meaning I get the kids out to play, feel like a great mom and get my outdoor meditation fix as well. It amazes me how quickly I can get things to turn around when I feel overwhelmed by them. Last night and this morning just through watching music videos a desire came up to have a female friend, (or be that friend I don't know) who is always pushing the limits, always in the vortex. My two best friends both moved away this past summer. Then today I talked to my sister and sort of awakened to what incredible potential we have to work together in so many ways, but because we're sisters there's lots of "stuff" there that keeps us from connecting and communicating. Over the years as we grow that stuff falls away. She told me today that she wants to talk about our childhood and compare our perceptions of it, I thought that could be really interesting. I "came out" to her about my youtube channel and shared it with her. I've been talking with her about the law of attraction. She is a personal trainer, extremely motivated with her yoga business, also teaches tai chi and does intensive courses to train people to be yoga teachers. She is finishing her degree now and taking psychology courses, and has realized that she needed trauma training to teach people as intensively as she does because it "bubbles up". I've always perceived us to be like opposites in a way, but always similar. I've always turned inward, been the introvert, she's the extrovert, over achiever. Those opposites no longer seem real to me. She no longer seems other than me. I don't know exactly what will come out of it, but I do see that I over looked and avoided something really wonderful here.

It has nothing to do with morality and the universe punishing you. It has a lot to do with the law of attraction and the perspective that you choose to take on your life.

Even if they did would you even know about it? Would they advertise the fact?

@Lento Are you saying you don't take me seriously? LOVE everything about this.

Take a minute to really acknowledge and feel what you're feeling. Confusion, desire to control or know the outcome, desire to know and do the right thing, etc. Drop thoughts and labels and do a meditation of what the sensations of those feelings feel like in your body. We want to know the solution, we feel like we NEED to know what the right answer is, what the next action step is. In relationships this can only be intuited or deeply felt from within beyond emotional reaction or need. In other words you don't need to come off as not needy to her, but to yourself. Let go of needing the outcome you want or needing the answer of what you should do to get it right now.

Yesterday something serious happened to me and today I laughed about it. It's not about personality, or right or wrong, it's just a perspective. Awakening is serious, profound and also hilarious. How could the experience of realizing no opposites be otherwise?

@Onecirrus

The spiritual ego is a tricky beast. So it turns out when you drop spirituality, when you take yourself down a notch, (or fall on your ass) there's no right or wrong anymore, not just in theory, and you can connect with people a lot better which is what you wanted in the first place. No dream giving up required. People have a natural love and forgiveness for children but at some point that's forgotten and replaced with "well, you should know better". The same judgement can happen with spirituality where people with a certain "level" of consciousness (including oneself) are reacted against, while the "muggles" are loved unconditionally. It's that innocence or ignorance question again. This forum is amazing, addictive and has the potential to be very problematic when it comes to the problem of the self concept. The self concept that is trying to get rid of its self concept, talks about self concepts with other people also trying to get rid of their self concepts, and the complicated fractal house of mirrors this creates is epic. It causes people to leave the forum and come back more frequently than the natural ebb and flow of interest in it, as if we were talking about golf of something. These backlashes, this forgetting that there are no levels, that there is no self concept as you "dissolve" self concept, and YET, that's not quite right either, (ARE YOU CONFUSED YET?) well it would make sense that there would be an abundance of backlashes for a time. Discovered this music video on intuition, it's absolutely hilarious and a great illustration of what we're like when we look for love from a place of lacking it. And like the character in the video, we're so very lovable when we're doing it, but still all we see is our need.

Last night I had dream thoughts about the situation that were like "oh look, more things about yourself that you didn't love. No biggy." This doesn't look like what I thought it would look like. That's because it's not happening at all! Exactly. No, I mean I'm deluding myself into thinking that is anything is happening. There is no progress. Exactly. It's fucking infuriating. Why do I try? Why DO you try? Oh, go take a flying fuck.

Yesterday I had ego backlash in a big way. Funny I was talking about my son's autism because yesterday my son's aid worker informed that she is pregnant and due in June, when I really have the service just for the summertime because that's when it's really needed. I was in such a low mood for many "reasons" that I ended up going for a 4 mile run in the cold, even though I'm sick and last night I could tell it was moving to my chest. The night ended with my daughter pooping in her pants for the second time that day and telling no one while she sat on the couch trying to change her clothes herself, then her getting furious with my husband because he wouldn't play along that she was a puppy, which has been going on for a couple weeks now. It's now become an excuse, that she's a puppy. He yelled at her that that's not an excuse that she still has responsibilities to not poop her pants. The word responsibility rang in my head like a bell. I tried to put her to bed. She continued the puppy charade with me, continued to scream and cry and then informed me that the water I got her was old, even though I had just gotten it. I finally yelled "ENOUGH", "ENOUGH", slammed the door to her room, slammed the door to our bedroom. My husband came in an I yelled at the top of my lungs, that I had ruined her, spent too much time on the goddamn forum and she was a disaster and completely ruined, and I never should have had kids, it was an enormous mistake. While I was yelling this my thoughts were thinking "I hope he fucking gets the message that he should get off his own goddamn computer at some point too. " Then the guilt washed over me. I knew it was too late to so goodnight to my daughter so I said goodnight to my son. He didn't respond to me much. The puppy put my entire forearm in his mouth and crunched down hard. I squeezed his nose too hard in response and realized that I was still completely out of control. I've never been so tempted in my entire life to "turn back", to quit the forum, the journaling, spirituality, all of it. To write the year I've been here off as a mental break and pick up the pieces of my business and lose myself in slogging through trying to convince myself that I'm a good mother. When I was first trying to get my business going, I hadn't established sales online, which took a long time and I relied on shows. I did a show that was particularly humiliating. There were very little sales and at the end, a thunderstorm came up out of nowhere and the tent collapsed on top of me trying to frantically pick everything up. It was a huge loss. I decided I was done. I applied for a job and went for a job interview. "Do you like people, are you good with people." "Sure!" Said the painfully shy girl. I didn't get the job. I never had the choice to give up in the first place. Or maybe I'm just pretending to be a "puppy". It's easy to flip from love to "hate", (or fury, anger, confusion, hurt), about a person or a thing you do. How are you supposed to flip back and forth when the subject isn't?

Thinking of the things I haven't seen and done due to my sheltered, scared, secluded life. I know that the long winter only makes spring more delicious. I looked up at the stars and remembered that there's really nothing more unfathomable to see than that. I went for a run today and remembered exactly how much I ABSOLUTELY love how the sunlight looks on things. I hope you appreciate how specific and descriptive that is. I do.

With a smile and a song Life is just a bright sunny day Your cares fade away And your heart is young With a smile and a song All the world seems to waken anew Rejoicing with you As the song is sung There's no use in grumbling When the raindrops come tumbling Remember, you're the one Who can fill the world with sunshine When you smile and you sing Everything is in tune and it's spring And life flows along With a smile and a song Roar.

"Lucy’s relationship to Schroeder was unfulfilling. She craved emotional validation from the one character who was least equipped to provide it. It was both humorous and sad—a contradictory message that Charles Schulz’s Peanuts conveyed so well." WHY? The reason why we do not allow ourself to feel, follow our dreams or be passionate is because we cannot control that. So you think of all kinds of devilish whorish ways that it could manifest. Yet by doing this and trying to control this, you actually kill the connection of your marriage that you committed to. Because it was only ever connection with yourself the whole time, one that needs passion, fantasy and feeling to thrive. So the self shame/fear creates the temptation, so that it can resolve itself. Why does 15 year old girl fall in love with the nephew of the man her mother turned in for murder? Why does anything like that happen? It's all a fucked up fairytale of Love, trying to resolve and heal itself. Romantic love is so tempting to reject and make fun of, to control and suffer for. No one wants to be that vulnerable. But it's programmed to be intoxicating. Nothing is as it seems. Love between a "man" and a "woman." Ha. What a joke. If you laugh at romantic love you don't get the joke. All the gurus getting into trouble fucking students, time after time, the "shame" of psychedelics and "drug" use pales in comparison to the shame of this. "Take responsibility goddamn it." No, your taking responsibility, you need to control, creates and attracts the situation itself. See, THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS. This is a path, a path through avoiding feeling and it's not understood because no one wants to let it out in the light. It's a little girl's fantasy. It's pathetic. So you think. Let that lion out of it's cage and it'll bite your fucking head clean off.

Last night I had a bizarre dream that my mother (who in real life lives in a trailer and has a heart of gold), lived in a ridiculously large mansion with tons of space and kicked me out even though she knew I would have a lot of trouble paying my own rent. I was furious.

I noticed how much there's a tendency to want to control how meditation is going. There's a controller who wants to check in and know how it's doing, even though every time it does it disrupts the process. Its need to measure, know and control is the only thing that "threatens" what's going on. There's also a more physical feeling of trying to make myself center, like a need to feel that I have a center. I thought of an analogy for this and thought of a master piano player who is performing and there's a young child who tries to coach him through everything he's doing with the belief that the piano player needs to improve. The child doesn't understand that the music is for him to enjoy. Then I thought of Schroeder and Lucy. https://kotaku.com/how-peanuts-used-lucy-and-schroeder-to-explore-dysfunct-1825694862 It is only the "controller" itself who wants to get rid of the child, who it calls "controller". Does the musician know that the child is there for him to enjoy as the music is for the child to enjoy or does he wish it would go away?

My first "glimpse" or "break" was staring at the snow on some tall pine trees. The name of the town it happened in is hilarious. I had the insight that a diagnosis can't be denied or accepted. When my son was first diagnosed with Autism, I didn't accept it and didn't know if I should believe it. To make it even more confusing, they told us that he was very difficult to diagnose. I had to accept it in order to see that I needed to take action to get him extra services. But if I use the label as an excuse that I think I know him or that I know what to expect I miss the incredibly unique love that he is. This thread... SO many things. This response by @Nahm struck me. What's the difference between honesty and responsibility? Which should one choose over the other? Who is "one" responsible to? OneSelf. There's your integrity, there's your loss of the chooser. There was only a conflict when you thought there was a separate self and others. For the past few days the back of my neck hurts at the base of my skull. It feels like a type of headache, sometimes like neck pain but I've never had it before. Can't seem to figure it out.

Does it blow your mind that you can do both? Exactly.

I've never played but my son came and showed me that one day and I was blown away. True creativity comes from the one place. There are a lot of double deeper meanings in song lyrics and creative works if you have eyes to see and ears to hear.

@dimitri Always loved Heart.

@Ingit Don't look for dysfunction, it is like asking a thief to house sit for you and expecting a great outcome. It is using your ego mind to watch itself. The ego assumes that it is flawed, (which is an incorrect assumption) and then gives itself the job of prove itself right. That's why it's killing your energy. Pay attention to how you feel. Use meditation to get in touch with feeling and your body. When a thought that feels bad comes up focus on something else. I would do this a lot when I was driving and had a lot of time to think. As soon as I thought a thought that felt bad or that I knew was from the ego I'd look for something beautiful in my surroundings to notice. Make a conscious effort to appreciate things around you more. Nature is a fantastic tool for this, but no matter where you are there's something to appreciate. Listen to music, lift your mood. Once you've reached a state of "high" consciousness you can go into the depths of examining any sort of "problem" but to you it will no longer be a problem and so the solution is always right there at hand. You need to work up to this state by dropping thoughts, and or picking up and training thoughts that feel amazing to think. Do not "look for" problems until you're there.