mandyjw

My sister is a yoga and tai chi instructor, we never agreed when it came to spirituality but it's really healing in many ways as our paths come together.

Seeking feeling better < seeking feeling better < seeking feeling better

You could think of it like this, sort of. The positive part of the desire to awaken, the part of it that feels good, the inspiration, curiosity, love you have for the world and knowing it deeper is "progress" so to speak, yet it does not care nor know that it is progress because it is fulfilled in itself. It's like being excited to drive somewhere and being thrilled with the feeling of driving the car there. The fear, the feeling of something lacking, the fear of missing something big is the illusory part. You came to evolve, to love and become, you are not a defined solid being. You will never get it done, nor do you want to. The beauty and joy in creation, in knowing this, is the peace that passes understanding.

For the past two days I've meditated with an attempt at perfect posture. I've always had bad posture. I've noticed that there's like a fire in my belly which arises and is uncomfortable when my spine is straight. So I always slouch. This fire, I'm starting to realize, is energy and alertness. Though slouching and curling up soothes it, it's also dulling and makes me sleepy. By the end of a meditation session, I'm shaking, energized. I don't have the lovely sleepy daydreams and feelings that I normally do. It feels more like endurance, a continual going back to feeling the actuality of what I want to call "back pain".

@BETGR164128 I actually do have thyroid problems and also ate tomatoes yesterday. OK, nevermind what I said, this Oneness stuff is creepy.

A lot of it is due to simply over-thinking in social situations. Instead of looking for concrete answers and habits to develop, try more of a meditative approach, continually check in with belly breathing during interactions, or when you start to feel stress or uncertainty. Interaction is alive, such is the nature of love and life that it is ever fluid and always changing. Love is alive. Consciousness is alive. There are no right answers, it's all intuitive so that's why it feels scary sometimes. We seek security and stability in learning the "proper" ways to interact but this doesn't allow for the fulfilling raw interactions that we desire.

It's more satisfying to send someone healing energy then it is to play doctor when you're not actually their doctor or even separate than.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nanamoli/PathofPurification2011.pdf

How are you supposed to reconcile this BEAUTIFUL practice with the law of attraction and insights from Abraham Hicks that say to not focus on pain? https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-tonglen/ I don't think there can be directions for it. A few days ago a comment by Leo in response to someone struck me. He basically said that there is something like a mourning period for the ego. I wasn't sure what I thought of this, it sounded like a conundrum much like focusing on someone's pain and breathing it in. For the past few nights I have been having these sort of insight experiences for lack of a better description. I had another emotional dream where I reacted since the last I mentioned, but since then just visualizations. One was a seeing/feeling sort of visualization of how when two people are interacting, one conscious and one not, it is only the interaction the One and so it's inconsequential who "one" is as one is no one of the two. The visual part could best be described as the infinity symbol, the two connected loops, each empty in the center. Last night I had one of these visualizations which are always positive in nature except last night. I mourned my ego. There was a lot of emotion around it. It also made the question come up morning, do I really suffer in dreams? Do I suffer like I do in the day? I don't think I do. It brings everything back around to the first question I asked in this post. I had one last normal dream before I woke up. I dreamed that I was in an awful old house and there was wind coming in from somewhere. I had put a sheet of wall paper up but it was coming loose and blowing around. I pinned it down again and when I looked again, I saw that the wallpaper was partially covering a screen of a tv.

@SilentTears That's the BEST compliment, thank you! I had a couple thoughts today worth writing down. One was about getting "sucked in" to a low vibration when people are upset around me. My four year old is extremely dramatic. I practice being present and letting the vibration move "through me" which works perfectly sometimes and other times not. It's easy for me to know that I don't need to get upset when she is upset, because she cries about ridiculous little things. But the "super serious important" things grown ups get upset about are just as ridiculous as her not be allowed to wear her Paw Patrol underwear on the outside of her pants. Yesterday I made a really big connection with the way I have practiced tonglen in the past (for lack of a better description, because I'm incapable of following directions and never know what the fuck I'll improvise in a recipe because I have a better idea). Anyway, I "realized" how to connect breath, body and emotions, at first in regard to "other" people and saw how this all connected. All those strong emotions I've had in regards to "other people" all my life are not a barrier but energy. Then I was bringing in groceries. I was thinking about my body and how I was just using it to do my bidding as if it were a vehicle or an object I owned. And I realized how ridiculous it is for me to get mad at anyone for objectifying me, because I've done it on the deepest level my entire life and am the only one who can do so.

You could also paint the wall bright and I mean BRIGHT, yellow.

I don't know why but it just struck me that that would make an amazing book title.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you! Interested to watch it. @SilentTears No, I do not think that there is anything wrong with self inquiry. I do believe that following intuition and using creative new ways to go about the same "practices"... maybe without even knowing that one is doing a practice at all, is more of the path of the creative type. For example some practices that people have to do may be ingrained in you or second nature and others may have to seek these out and intentionally "practice" them. It makes a lot of sense that both paths would resonate with you. The book had a lot of value in giving credit to a path that is not recognized by many in this work, however the goal of nonduality is integration. It's both paths, all paths, no paths. In the end there is no real self concept of one on a path or having traveled any path at all. Many teachers teach assuming that the path they traveled and the order in which they realized things is normal, and that their map can be copied and given to others as if spirituality is a linear progression, like with most practical things you can learn. This is why people who are likely to really look up to a teacher and want to be told what practices specifically to do are more likely to see the more intuitive creative path as foolish, distraction and a waste of time. No one outside of you can make that judgment and can allow other's judgments into their consideration. We were taught from an early age to follow the rules, do what we're told and play it safe. Even in spirituality, where we let ourselves be free, an authority or teacher can still take that role of a parent or teacher without us seeing this tendency. I think the main take away is to trust yourself, trust yourself to follow your heart and uncover the wisdom that is already there. Trust the practices that resonate with you. For me a lot of my journey has been moving back and forth between buckling down and getting serious and letting go, accepting and practicing self love. Meditation and being itself is where those things can't be called opposites anymore.

One of the "memories" that stands out a lot from my awakening was how it changed how I literally saw people. There were a lot of visual changes, it felt like a scene in a movie when everything is flooded with this heavenly light. During this time I scrolled through my Facebook feed. Every single face in every photo shone brilliantly with this light and I loved each and every face and saw perfection and beauty in it. Normally when I scroll through Facebook I see a lot of stupid things, a lot of ugly things... in other words it's a judgment/thinking fest. And it's unconscious. It happens in an instant, it's like a gut reaction. Yesterday I met someone who will be taking over for someone who handles some of my personal information. As soon as I saw her face I had this "Oh SHIT" reaction. In a split second I was concerned that she wasn't trustworthy, just because of how she looks. I hadn't even gone so far as to think about it, it was just a gut reaction, or feeling. My mind will try to explain its feelings later, and give logical reasons for it, but it's all bullshit. This is the root of prejudice and racism itself. It's a survival instinct, fear itself playing out and literally veiling how I see. Though I don't act on it, (consciously), and though I make a huge effort to see what I appreciate in everyone, I feel my my initial gut reaction shows the state of my heart. I want to see all faces with the same unconditional love and acceptance that I have for my kids, (when they are behaving). Not after a moment of talking myself into it, but instantly. Has anyone watched this reaction in themselves, worked with it, worked through it? I've been taught to trust my gut feelings, and not to ignore them but I feel like I passed off a lot of knee jerk judgments as "gut feelings" for most of my life.

@Consilience Thank you. I've definitely experienced that also with depression and the pushing against, denial of. It's really interesting to compare the two. Depression seems slow to creep up and slow to go, this is such a instant thing and not one that makes me suffer in such a direct obvious way, but the more I consider it the more I realize that the time difference is an illusion, and it's a reflection of me and my state of presence and connection with myself. I believe in the power of intentions in addition to acceptance (after all which comes before and which comes after if is time is illusory?) and I intend to see through this layer of threat. Even if it KILLS me, (or feels like it) goddamn it. That's a tricky one. It can be tricky when embodiment of an experience becomes a standard we hold ourselves to rather than an inspired vision of our true nature. So easy to pull new standards and new self concepts out of thin air.

https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/how-many-seconds-to-a-first-impression In 1/10th of a second or less we judge a face for trustworthiness and then attraction, basically, survival concerns.

Ok, what's the difference between knowledge and an insight/epiphany? How do they feel different? You didn't tell me how any of those things actually felt, you gave me account of how you judge yourself when you are experiencing them. I know this very well, sitting on the couch eating cookies feels like paradise until I think about the size of my ass in the future. I want to know how they feel, without judgement or concept but still using words to express the feeling.

What does knowledge feel like when you find it? What does liberation feel like? What does sitting on your couch eating cookies feel like?

You use hearts just like a southern lady uses the expression "Well BLESS YOUR heart" as a polite way to say f-you. There are a lot of people I know if "real" life who won't watch Leo's videos because they automatically assume they already know what he's saying, or because the videos are just "too long". There are infinite depths of understanding what you think you already know. There is also something creepier going on when you listen to a higher consciousness person talk, a transmission of some kind that you can feel and experience. I'm not assuming that we all resonate with the same teachers though.

There's more going on in that 25 minutes than you can "take away" from it.

Annnnnnd.... watching yourself on camera and listening back to what you said without judement. "I just KNEW it wasn't real. A projection of my brain." *facepalm*

There are NO MISTAKES. There's a judging mind that has concept of right and wrong, mistakes or not, and has a concept of itself and how it fits into its own judgments. How we see colors everything, it veils the beauty that's already there, already us. Look for the best in you and all around you, and you'll see your perspective and conditions change without effort. Make a list of 20 self care things that make you happy. Make it a point to do three everyday. Listen to Abraham Hicks clips on youtube. Start a dream board. If it's that severe that your life is in danger please don't hesitate to get help and find someone to talk to in person. Sending love.

I deeply mistrust those polls. Among the conservative people I know in real life who begrudgingly voted from Trump because he was better than Hillary, I know that they will have a very hard time voting for Trump over Biden. Over Bernie though, no problem. The dirt that can be dug up on Bernie is unending, the analogies he used in his past writings require a very open mind to understand the purpose of. I can only imagine what buttons Trump will push if it's Bernie vs Trump. Biden vs Trump is much less polarizing. Instead of two extremes pitted against each other (which is the perspective of most Americans), it's a moderate candidate against an extreme one. Most people are moderate, most really don't pay much attention and most vote out of fear. Biden is the classic marketable face of a politician. With that said I still voted Bernie, but that's my reasoning or my own personal fears, I guess. A desire to play it safe, compromise, not ask for too much too fast, etc.

Oh weird, WEIRD! Last night I was wondering if the fact that at the dinner party the woman wore a bright red dress was significant or not. I decided that it was my stupid girly brain thinking about fashion. But I really noticed it in the dream. I just saw this comment. I've never seen The Matrix. https://matrix.fandom.com/wiki/Woman_in_Red