mandyjw

@Raptorsin7 I cry pretty easily. Cried a lot yesterday. Just discovering how certain connections with the body in yoga trigger it. Usually it's thoughts that trigger it. @Zigzag Idiot Thanks, I've never seen it. Yesterday I listened to this video from Abraham Hicks and couldn't quite grasp what was there but knew it was the beginning of the answer of all my problems which have come right into my face with the closed school and lost daycare, and noticing in comparison to that (ouch) how my husband gets to go to work as normal. I also get jealous of most people here on the forum because it seems to me like they have all kinds of opportunities to do things I can't and I envy their focus. I know that this outlook is limiting and I want to let go of it. I knew when i heard this video that the answer was there but that I'd have to digest it more. "Females not always but often, (usually) are more observant of the conditions around them than men are. So what happens is women by this habit of observation keep themselves in contradicted energy more often than men do." (Talks about how working from home can be distracting because of what you're observing there.) "Women are often very upset with their single minded husband that are so obsessed with something outside the home. And we say it is in many cases a self surviving instinct that they have developed. In other words without even recognizing it they have come to notice that those thoughts of work feel cleared and purer than the nity gritty nitpicking stuff that clutters home life." "Most people have not done a very good job of identifying their own objects of desire." The word clutter sticks out to me. My spiritual journey started with decluttering my home. It actually did not start with Leo but first Leo Babauta. I started reading his blog when I nursed my newborn son. https://zenhabits.net/archives/ The other thing that sticks out to me is the conversation with my friend, who is so tied in with my heart, my life and my journey that it breaks my ideas of a separate self. She bought me the Marie Kondo book for Christmas years ago. Declutter and make intentions. Inner, outer are one. Last night I thought about my anger and saw that I was resisting it. There's a lot of contrast right now, for the entire world. It is not to be eliminated but to define desires. That's our power and our joy.

Today I've been in a witchy mood. Reeeeallly disagree with decisions being made around me, that seriously sacrifice and jeopardize children's education yet leave businesses able to carry on as normal and I feel like I have no power. Also can't get out of my head how this virus attacks older men and spares children and is easier on women. Maybe if we stopped exploiting nature, viruses like this wouldn't cross from animals to people. I went for a run in the dark mist really early and the crows didn't scare away like they normally did, they stayed really close to me. I've seen so many crows today. I ran by some houses with lights on and the look of the warm glow in contrast to the day outside gave me an inexplicable feeling. I went to Dr.P's. When I came back a black cat moseyed around the yard and settled behind my forsythia bush. A couple weeks ago I took some branches from it and forced them, and they are in bloom in a vase on my kitchen windowsill. Very interested right now in Marie Kondo, self care and witchy home purification sort of stuff. I had a really rough day. I managed to work a bit with both kids and the puppy in my studio with me. I've had a good week considering all the changes and responsibility completely thrown at me. I did a yoga video for back pain and have been feeling better since. Had an emotional release towards the end and now that's twice that's happened and I'm very curious about it. Right now I feel very curious about a lot of questions I have. Lots of desires coming up.

Pick the form of exercise you find most interesting, exciting or enjoyable. I started running when I was 10, which is also around when heavy bouts of depression set in and the running kept the depression at bay. Exercise for me is like do or die (really suffer). It's less necessary now that I have a meditation practice but still really important to how I feel. I really enjoy it though, sometimes it's hard to make myself do it, but I know that I feel SO much better when I do, and it's only a couple resistant thoughts to putting on the running shoes and going out in the cold, (or getting out the yoga mat, or...etc). Once you get started and start to really pay attention to the difference it makes you won't go back. Have you read the story of Eckhart Tolle's awakening? "I can't live with myself anymore" and then he questioned was there two of him, one could couldn't live with the other? Suicidal thoughts, especially as you get into spirituality are the ego saying it can't live with itself anymore. It's trying to express its desire to awaken to Love, but tragically this gets misinterpreted by some as a desire to kill the physical self. It's a desire to surrender the illusion of the separate self, no more.

Personally I'd really focus on diet, start running or yoga if you don't have a good solid exercise routine or habit. The point of spirituality is to go directly in the direction of feeling good, which paradoxically means confronting a lot of illusions that don't feel good. You'll notice stuff bubbling up and getting really bad, then being resolved and released to bliss, lots of back and forth on the path. If you want to feel good in the exclusion of feeling bad, it only beckons the boogeyman you don't want to face so you'll stop resisting him. That's likely what your trip showed you. Change your mindset to one that's more like an author writing an epic story or play, rather than the mindset of the character itself or even the reader. Good writers know that a great villain makes the hero. They also know that neither, in fact actually exists outside of their own imagination.

My friend and I talked a really long time on the phone yesterday and had some funny synchronicity today. Yesterday I was shocked that she didn't know much about the coronavirus situation and I told her that she might need to rethink her upcoming visit. We talked about how we both ignored it until someone we followed posted seriously about it. For me that was Tim Ferris, for her, Stefan Molenaux (God works in mysterious ways, that all I can say about that). She was a big fan of him, I think less so now. I read a story about Maya Angelou to her because my son was supposed to select a sentence from the story that was an opinion and any one I could find seemed incredibly insensitive. She started saying OPINION, OPINION, OPINION, as I read it but to me none of it was opinion. Then today she sent me Stefan Moleneux's latest post... "For emotional people Their feelings are facts your facts are just opinions" With the comment, "what are the chances?" Then I moved the screen because I was dialing numbers with my face and accidentally almost bought The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent by Abraham Hicks.

Day one of "homeschooling", or try-to-get-your-kid-to-do-stuff-they-don't-want-to-do. Pray for me. Funny, he's most resistant to do his journal activity. The object is to write about anything you want, but he's not feeling the freedom of possibility but feels paralyzed because he doesn't have his actual journal and can't continue the subject he had going.

@Nahm Awesome, I can see why.

@Nahm Woooooow. That song always annoyed me. Who would have thought? Who do you think you are? Ha ha ha, bless your soul You really think you're in control? Well I think you're crazy I think you're crazy I think you're crazy Just like me

https://membean.com/wrotds/path-feeling "The Greek root word path can mean either “feeling” or “disease.” This word root is the word origin of a number of English vocabulary words, including sympathy, apathy, pathological, and sociopath. An easy way to remember these different meanings is that a sympathetic person “feels” pain with another, whereas a psychopath does twisted things because he has a “diseased” mind."

Woooooah.

This morning during meditation the memory came up of asking the chiropractor I saw if he meditated. He said no but that he has a lot of books about meditation. Neither of us realized how funny that was at the time, and it sort of struck me then. Then I realized that I was supposed to be meditating and instead was thinking about this and then I really laughed. Then my husband finished the rest of the orange juice, which is for the kids who have colds and this brought up an awful feeling of anger or some complex mix of that type. As I went into the feeling, the thought arose "it's nothing" and I saw my mind repressing the feeling by drawing the conclusion of self inquiry that it had accepted, cutting myself off from investigating the feeling itself.

Wow, that turned around quick. What a day. "Care about how you feel" has a deeper meaning every day.

The schools are too late to close in my opinion and I had to pull my daughter out of daycare... permanently. I asked if the provider would make an exception since she probably will need to take in more kids with closed schools but she had said I had to pay in full or lose her spot. She starts school for a half day in fall. I checked my accounts today and I just can't afford it anymore. My life is going to change a lot. I put her in daycare last year and it was a huge step forward for me because I felt so helpless at home. I know she's mirroring me but she's emotional and volatile as heck. I guess it's time to face it. There's a tendency I have to identify as someone who "knows better"... the spiritual ego. The truth is, I still experience the entire spectrum of thoughts, anxiety galore and even suicidal thoughts. I noticed today that I can go from a suicidal thought to peaceful and positive in almost, well, no time. Thoughts are a phenomenon I can neither own nor disown. What I've learned this year about watching my vibration and paying attention to how I feel has become like a do or die thing in the recent week. Reminds me of being REALLY in labor and thinking that my decision to have a baby wasn't a good idea. The ridiculousness of rebelling against what is in that moment is absurd, like it is now. BUT the conditions must be right. Surrender, surrender, surrender. Turning the computer off now. Much love to everyone.

Scared AF again today. I'm such a nerd, reading, reading, reading. I KNOW there's something weird going on here, I know it's too weird to be true. I was so in alignment with it last night. The median age of where I live is far higher than Italy. The people who run everything in my community are in their 60s, 70's. Yeah, I discovered the law of attraction, yeah I had an awakening. Yes I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, and am reminded over and over of this new nonreality but still running on some old patterns. Other things about the forum are starting to really bother me. Like vibration attracts like vibration. I see now more clearly than ever how my thoughts are always in line with my vibration. I could use my nerdiness for good. 25,000 die of hunger everyday, doesn't that put this fear in perspective? Now I feel like an elitist privileged jerk for being scared for my community. Feeling like a jerk feels better than fear, so we'll go from there. I know that's not right either. I can keep changing the perspective as I direct my attention until there's none that fits. "Everyone is responsible for the thoughts they think and the things they choose as their objects of attention." -Abraham Hicks

The shutdowns are having a big impact on our carbon footprint for the better. All those planes being grounded is an enormous air emissions saving and the impact goes far beyond that. Coal emissions in China were way down before it spread very far. This article is back from February 26. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/26/climate/nyt-climate-newsletter-coronavirus.html

Oh, it gets funnier. Was staring at the running shoe box. I haven't had this brand of shoe since I was a kid. The word Saucony comes from the Lenni Lenape Native American word “saconk,” meaning “where two rivers run together. Inspired by the original location on the Saucony Creek, our logo represents a running river marked by three boulders. Let it take me Back to the river

Today is the first day in a bit that I've gotten out of fear mode in a little while. My new running shoes came in the mail today. It was a really weird experience because I was meditating and had this vision of a very specific running shoe, on my foot. I could even guess what brand it was. I needed new running shoes because I suspect the last brand of giving me back pain, and actually found the shoe I "saw", in that brand, in the exact color combo I had seen and I bought them. So I went for a run and went to the cemetery on intuition even though I wasn't planning to. I enjoyed the sun and the clouds were moving, making it seem like the trees were moving instead again. Sat beside Dr.P's grave because that's the only place the sun was and stared at the shoe on my foot and contemplated how time works. The pyramid theme he designed his grave in and connecting that with the "discomfort" of sitting upright and that arises in other situations, a rushed feeling, feeling of restlessness which @Nahm really helped me reframe this week, really stuck out to me. When I came home I looked up an odd Ecclesiastes quote I saw on the headstone of someone with the same last name as me, which my dad had noted a verse from James besides, so I read some in James and found some interesting parallels. Then I picked up my Abraham Hicks cards, and read some in my Green Witch book. Then I asked @remember what her avatar meant and we had a conversation and SO many things came together all at once. There's a global pandemic and things are working out for me. What is this Abraham Hicksesque devilry? eye of prov·i·dence the protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power. I eye aye

So you say food science is absolute, black and white, and awakening is NOT absolute. The tricky thing is that "not absolute" does not mean, NOT ABSOLUTE. Focus on what you want, don't fight what you don't want, because it's all you. Life is a gift, but if we are too busy criticizing the wrapping paper, we'll never discover what's inside.

@DrewNows That's some great synchronicity. I've noticed more and more how the same content changes when read again. It's completely based on us and our perception. I feel like we're a good mirroring match because our blind spots don't line up well but we also really appreciate each other. Slowly quietly embracing some of your food and disease outlooks. @Zigzag Idiot Wow, that's quite an analogy when you compare it to awakening and liberation huh? Frozen, fluid, gas. There is a sudden profound change, yet also no change and the heating process is the same. I've never followed a spiritual teacher that implied that it was their way or the highway although I saw someone who came up with a home organization system that said "you can't serve two masters". I remembered it because I was already just using her system to build off another one, with good success. Jesus said this "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other." It's a nondual pointer! The One, not the one. I never thought of it that way. Of course it's misunderstood. This video by Rupert Spira is really, really amazing. Almost as if it were made just for me.

If someone believes that fast food is healthy, and is disconnected enough with their body that they have not yet noticed this to be false, then goes telling people that they are wasting their time by eating vegetables, would you allow them to continue preaching this on the site that you built for the purpose of helping people better their lives? I doubt it.

Because it's relative, it's only your point of view that matters. That's why he's cracking down, if people don't take the time to consider their own experience, and really examining/sitting with how they feel about things then instead of examining the feeling itself, they seek to control other's points of views. In doing this they attempt to get them to align with theirs, sometimes this comes out in the form of attempting to teach others. The alignment only happens within, then there aren't others, just alignment.

Love Jenna. Nice to meet you all!

@SilentTears That's so FUNNY, I was just reading this and thought "huh, that sounds weird because I didn't put quotes around the whole thing."

Yes, but something in you must resonate to translate or label pure energy into fear.