mandyjw

Dr. Suess's Green Eggs and Ham is about enlightenment. (yes, I've really lost it, if you haven't already guessed) It's really fucking brilliant. Sam I am. Sam is short of course for Samuel, which literally means “Name of God.” “I am Sam” means literally “I Am [The] Name of God.” In Judaism the Name of God (Ha-Shem) is a euphemism for God's Presence. The Name of God is a way of speaking of that which cannot be named. mason/ nosam no Sam

Hmm.. good point. I didn't appreciate his latest video addressing corona virus for reasons you mentioned. Maybe I'm wrong in assuming that everyone who discovers his methods is a dumbass like me, and ends up with a mild case of hypothermia once or twice before they get the message that it's about feeling and not forcing yourself to prevail. I'm a big fan of Wim Hof, he's inspired me a lot and I had a big breakthrough after starting the breathing exercises and doing some cold exposure over years. It's just some of the marketing and particularly the assumption he might set people up to make about immunity and invulnerability that I find concern with, especially right now. Your true nature is immunity and invulnerability, but there's no one to own that state, therefore you are also just as susceptible and vulnerable, I think the method teaches this in experience. It sells you one thing, while you actually get another.

God is pretty brilliant to create a Wim Hof to make feeling and connection with the body and the power of nature look so very manly and badass, and therefore productive and profitable. Sheep in wolf's clothing.

What's absurd is trying to compare God to God.

I permanently lost my daycare spot and have an autistic child who lost all his services that he really needs in order to keep people safe. Even though my kids are the ages least likely to be affected at all, they are making heavy sacrifices (without having any choice in the matter) for the good of the whole. Mothers are forced to quit their jobs, this is setting feminism back by decades. We are making this massive sacrifice to help hospitals from having to decide whether a naive 20 year old who think he's invincible is worth more than a 60 year old Grandfather. Looking at statistics, doing math and deciding whether or not you should take your chances is not the game we're playing here.

A high percentage of younger people are needing to be hospitalized, much more so than the flu. When hospitalized, they have much better chances of pulling through than those who are older. This is the bottom line, if hospitals get flooded and overwhelmed, all statistics go out the window, and death rates skyrocket.

Last night I dreamed I was somewhere I'd never been, like a cross country meet from highschool. I was standing in an outdoor shelter and an entire team archery team came in to meet there so I left. They were all men, handsome, looked and acted really professional and put together and they had these beautiful expensive, new bright yellow uniforms. For some reason this stuck out to me. I was floored that there would be a school so rich as to have an organized team like this. There have been many moments in my life like this, when I've gone places and realized in stark contrast how "low" my sense of normal and standards are. I immediately found my teammate from cross country in highschool. In real life I never had much to do with him, but he is from the town I live in, and at the time I lived in the next over and hated this town, looked down on it and never expected I'd live here. In fact he has the original last name as the founder of the town. He lived in a house beside me for a short time and there's a funny synchronicity with the address. Anyway, I found this teammate and I exclaimed to him about their uniforms and the fact that down here they had an archery team and how wildly advanced and wealthy they were compared to us. He said nothing but put his arm around me and then the dream turned into a musical. He sang this powerful song to me and walked me back the the rest of the team which was ready to leave and they all joined in, taking turns singing to me. I didn't know the song but knew the song was by a black woman artist and there were black women on the team (which was never the case in reality). It wasn't a song that exists. Years ago my parents read The Shack which I found good but didn't find it that mind blowing or life transforming but the Christian writer depicts God as a black woman which I always loved. Thinking back about the attitude of this teammate, how he was always confident, which I always read as arrogance, the message of the dream, of what I subconsciously want to embody. My mom raised me with the message that we were ignorant and disadvantaged. She taught me to reach and strive for more, to be aware of this, which many of my peers never understood enough to see themselves as ignorant and disadvantaged to stop a moment and ask for more. There was a warning against being prideful, like she was always reminding me that she didn't know good manners, was socially awkward, ignorant about many things and didn't possess the skills to teach me otherwise, that if I wanted to "go places" I might find myself embarrassed. I made plans to get over some of my small town ways, this spring, I planned to attend an event, learn to drive in the city, etc. I thought this was the the way through. The pandemic has shut down my plans. Maybe I'll learn to love myself where I am first.

I had a dream last night that evolved in strange ways. First my kids were getting into someone's house, then we were in the house and I knew that it was the house of a man who owns lots of property here and has a successful insurance company. They got into his desk and journal and I tried to put everything back before he came in. When he did he my husband was there and he was really kind and calm but told him that he wouldn't be able to work with him because the other companies were too awful to work for, and this meant that the family company was done. And I threw a fit and said this was not what I signed up for, my anger was directed at my father in law, who I royally pissed off Friday by sending a message of concern to my mother in law about the office being open. In the dream I threw a mug and saw how ridiculous I seemed right then. Thinking about it later I realize that I have always, always been dependent on a man. Daddy, Jesus, husband, my father-in-law because he writes my husband's paycheck, spiritual teachers, the fucking President of the United States, whoever. The fear of money right now and the fact that I can't seem to make my own currently is something I'm having a hard time surrendering to. I feel like a stupid powerless, worthless whore housewife. Why am I turning all of these relationships into something I need to control or feel controlled by? Because when fear and thinking are in bed together they don't make love, they just fuck each other. There's one man I don't resent, don't feel controlled by or try to control because I never lived when he did and never met him, yet love him deeply. My ability to feel this way is key to all other relationships, in fact perhaps I created him as an almost blank state of fantasy to show me how to love this way, the way I intended, in a training wheels sort of way. The clue was right here last night. He never was. Neither were any of the others. I don't have to fight the circumstances, just feel my connection, not try to control the feeling of fear, the actuality of it with thinking.

Joking with my son "I love you so much." He asked me why I said it then. I told him "Love needs no reason." The words stayed in my head. reason/nosaer no saer saer m (plural seiri) carpenter mason

http://www.masonicdictionary.com/northeast.html "And God said unto me, Son of Man, stand upon thy feet, and I will speak unto thee. And the spirit entered into me when he spake unto me, and set me upon my feet, that I heard him that spake unto me." Such is the challenge of God to the manhood of man, asking him to stand erect and unafraid, and commune as friend to friend. Alas, it is not easy to keep the upright posture, physically or morally, in the midst of the years with their blows and burdens. At last, a dark Ruffian lays us low in death, and only the Hand of God, with its strong grip, can lift us from a dead level and set us on our feet forever. So, at least, Masonry teaches us to believe and live: Lord, I believe Man is no little thing that, like a bird in spring, Comes fluttering to the Light of Life, And out of the darkness of long death. The breath of God is in him, And his age long strife With evil has a meaning and an end. Though twilight dim his vision be Yet can he see Thy Truth, And in the cool of evening, Thou, his friend, Dost walk with him, and talk Did not the Word take flesh? Of the great destiny That waits him and his race. In days that are to be By grace he can achieve great things, And, on the wings of strong desire, Mount upward ever, higher and higher, Until above the clouds of earth he stands, And stares God in the face. "SO MOTE IT BE"

More bicycle and crow associations made me think of this song. Don't have no master suite But I'm still the king of me You have a fancy ride, but baby I'm the one who has the key Every time I turn around I'm looking up, you're looking down Maybe something's wrong with you That makes you act the way you do Maybe I am crazy too I'm gonna soak up the sun Gonna tell everyone To lighten up I'm gonna tell 'em that I've got no one to blame For every time I feel lame I'm looking up

What's the difference between desires and intentions? Today I went to the cemetery and I found a grave with this on it, it stuck out at me. "Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her at the gates." I went back to look at it and when I walked back I noticed and picked up a broken american flag laying on the ground and I remember all the times I had picked up ruined Veterans flags up off the ground with great respect in the cemetery I helped my parents take care of. More synchronicity ensued from this. I noticed for the first time something odd about Dr.P's monument. On one corner and only one corner the massive stone base has a perfect rectangle carved out of it, then set perfectly in place. it is the corner toward which he is buried and on which the nightshade grew. Dr.P was both a trained stone mason and a Mason (society). The initiate (Entered Apprentice) in Freemasonry is placed in the north-east corner of the Lodge as a figurative foundation stone.[5] This is intended to signify the unity of the North associated with darkness and the East associated with light.[6] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornerstone Dr.P is buried in the north east corner. It occurred to me to ask some questions and I got answers that always pointed me back to feeling. I pulled another ice moon out of the birdbath, cleaning out the dead leaves for the crows as I did. “Once upon a time, when women were birds, there was the simple understanding that to sing at dawn and to sing at dusk was to heal the world through joy. The birds still remember what we have forgotten, that the world is meant to be celebrated.” ~Terry Tempest Williams This is the best thing I saw all day yesterday on my facebook feed, posted by an artist friend. "Covid - A Virus Corvid - A Crow Jesus Christ on a bicycle, people. ??‍♀️ It's not that hard." Jesus Christ on a bicycle, I threw a lot of stuff in this journal entry that's been in the works since last night, and it all came together quite well in the end.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indra's_net

What is the relationship between healing and feeling? What is the relationship between feeling and consciousness? What is the relationship between feeling and Love? What is the relationship between feeling and thinking? What is the difference between an open heart and an open mind?

And we're all little kids here. Nothing serious is going on here at all. Paradoxically true maturity is waking up to that. That's why the dogma of "taking this work seriously" breeds some ridiculous behavior until the duality of serious and foolishness collapses.

@remember Yes, I agree with that. Just be very conscious of what place within yourself those are coming from because the results will follow. A rebuke made consciously out of love (love is felt by the person making it) is perfect love, but a rebuke made out of reaction with breed more of the same behavior it seeks to control, until alignment is found with love and one's words and intentions.

My greatest wish is for the men and everyone on this forum to awaken, and therefore awaken to our shared connection and I know all my concerns, fears and anger will disappear. In fact all my concerns, fears and anger are what's keeping me from having that connection that's available in my own experience, right now. Because most of the members of the forum (and mostly male) here desire to awaken, I see them as more evolved than most. The contrast between the people I feel so honored to interact with here and in my daily life make it difficult for me to not truly appreciate this. I can overlook some unconscious behavior because I know that deep down they want the very thing that will transcend all that. I also know that sometimes progress is not linear, or doesn't feel linear to us. I try not to let some of my own disappointments with behavior and speech here get in the way of the real goal for all of here, Love. If it doesn't feel good to focus on it, then it is not what you came here for and it's not leading you to what you truly want and the change you truly want to see.

I very much am trying to put in to practice and know without knowing that there is no assertion, and that I am responsible for how I feel. However that doesn't mean that I'm blind and it does mean I came here to see contrast to guide me to the direction I'm meant to go. For me it's easier to see and forgive what I see on the forum, and less so in my own actual life. That's where I get angry and I have a more challenging time flipping it around to caring about how I feel in the moment and focusing on what I want. Text on a screen is much further removed from whats right in my face. It feels like the ultimate submission, but I'm only submitting to my illusory self. Do you see how tricky it is to blame a man and to identify as a woman and create another to keep this suffering loop playing? So what is it that we want? When you see the photo of headless body of a woman posted in a thread as the assumed epitome of beauty, what does that cause us to want? How does it make us feel to see that? Who is responsible for that feeling? Won't blaming the poster, calling them out and using shame as a tactic, which is a form of masculine punishment itself, cause a further rift between us when that is the very thing we want to heal? I want to know my own worth and feel how loved I am without having to have anyone else respect or confirm it for me. I'm not waiting for anyone to change before I allow myself that, which is my power and birthright.

@billiesimon Woah. That's pretty cool. So many beliefs we hold without knowing, right? What if you've never actually moved but everything around you appears to have when you're "moving"?

@Raptorsin7 I cry pretty easily. Cried a lot yesterday. Just discovering how certain connections with the body in yoga trigger it. Usually it's thoughts that trigger it. @Zigzag Idiot Thanks, I've never seen it. Yesterday I listened to this video from Abraham Hicks and couldn't quite grasp what was there but knew it was the beginning of the answer of all my problems which have come right into my face with the closed school and lost daycare, and noticing in comparison to that (ouch) how my husband gets to go to work as normal. I also get jealous of most people here on the forum because it seems to me like they have all kinds of opportunities to do things I can't and I envy their focus. I know that this outlook is limiting and I want to let go of it. I knew when i heard this video that the answer was there but that I'd have to digest it more. "Females not always but often, (usually) are more observant of the conditions around them than men are. So what happens is women by this habit of observation keep themselves in contradicted energy more often than men do." (Talks about how working from home can be distracting because of what you're observing there.) "Women are often very upset with their single minded husband that are so obsessed with something outside the home. And we say it is in many cases a self surviving instinct that they have developed. In other words without even recognizing it they have come to notice that those thoughts of work feel cleared and purer than the nity gritty nitpicking stuff that clutters home life." "Most people have not done a very good job of identifying their own objects of desire." The word clutter sticks out to me. My spiritual journey started with decluttering my home. It actually did not start with Leo but first Leo Babauta. I started reading his blog when I nursed my newborn son. https://zenhabits.net/archives/ The other thing that sticks out to me is the conversation with my friend, who is so tied in with my heart, my life and my journey that it breaks my ideas of a separate self. She bought me the Marie Kondo book for Christmas years ago. Declutter and make intentions. Inner, outer are one. Last night I thought about my anger and saw that I was resisting it. There's a lot of contrast right now, for the entire world. It is not to be eliminated but to define desires. That's our power and our joy.

Today I've been in a witchy mood. Reeeeallly disagree with decisions being made around me, that seriously sacrifice and jeopardize children's education yet leave businesses able to carry on as normal and I feel like I have no power. Also can't get out of my head how this virus attacks older men and spares children and is easier on women. Maybe if we stopped exploiting nature, viruses like this wouldn't cross from animals to people. I went for a run in the dark mist really early and the crows didn't scare away like they normally did, they stayed really close to me. I've seen so many crows today. I ran by some houses with lights on and the look of the warm glow in contrast to the day outside gave me an inexplicable feeling. I went to Dr.P's. When I came back a black cat moseyed around the yard and settled behind my forsythia bush. A couple weeks ago I took some branches from it and forced them, and they are in bloom in a vase on my kitchen windowsill. Very interested right now in Marie Kondo, self care and witchy home purification sort of stuff. I had a really rough day. I managed to work a bit with both kids and the puppy in my studio with me. I've had a good week considering all the changes and responsibility completely thrown at me. I did a yoga video for back pain and have been feeling better since. Had an emotional release towards the end and now that's twice that's happened and I'm very curious about it. Right now I feel very curious about a lot of questions I have. Lots of desires coming up.

Pick the form of exercise you find most interesting, exciting or enjoyable. I started running when I was 10, which is also around when heavy bouts of depression set in and the running kept the depression at bay. Exercise for me is like do or die (really suffer). It's less necessary now that I have a meditation practice but still really important to how I feel. I really enjoy it though, sometimes it's hard to make myself do it, but I know that I feel SO much better when I do, and it's only a couple resistant thoughts to putting on the running shoes and going out in the cold, (or getting out the yoga mat, or...etc). Once you get started and start to really pay attention to the difference it makes you won't go back. Have you read the story of Eckhart Tolle's awakening? "I can't live with myself anymore" and then he questioned was there two of him, one could couldn't live with the other? Suicidal thoughts, especially as you get into spirituality are the ego saying it can't live with itself anymore. It's trying to express its desire to awaken to Love, but tragically this gets misinterpreted by some as a desire to kill the physical self. It's a desire to surrender the illusion of the separate self, no more.

Personally I'd really focus on diet, start running or yoga if you don't have a good solid exercise routine or habit. The point of spirituality is to go directly in the direction of feeling good, which paradoxically means confronting a lot of illusions that don't feel good. You'll notice stuff bubbling up and getting really bad, then being resolved and released to bliss, lots of back and forth on the path. If you want to feel good in the exclusion of feeling bad, it only beckons the boogeyman you don't want to face so you'll stop resisting him. That's likely what your trip showed you. Change your mindset to one that's more like an author writing an epic story or play, rather than the mindset of the character itself or even the reader. Good writers know that a great villain makes the hero. They also know that neither, in fact actually exists outside of their own imagination.

My friend and I talked a really long time on the phone yesterday and had some funny synchronicity today. Yesterday I was shocked that she didn't know much about the coronavirus situation and I told her that she might need to rethink her upcoming visit. We talked about how we both ignored it until someone we followed posted seriously about it. For me that was Tim Ferris, for her, Stefan Molenaux (God works in mysterious ways, that all I can say about that). She was a big fan of him, I think less so now. I read a story about Maya Angelou to her because my son was supposed to select a sentence from the story that was an opinion and any one I could find seemed incredibly insensitive. She started saying OPINION, OPINION, OPINION, as I read it but to me none of it was opinion. Then today she sent me Stefan Moleneux's latest post... "For emotional people Their feelings are facts your facts are just opinions" With the comment, "what are the chances?" Then I moved the screen because I was dialing numbers with my face and accidentally almost bought The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent by Abraham Hicks.