mandyjw

Youtube is a treasure trove for at home workouts. I mostly do yoga and light weights. I came across this guy's channel recently and thought it looked awesome. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9BNGVGr_lvbn3d23ckuVOA

My son is watching a video about how the human body works like a computer, or vice versa. The butterflies/falling in love feeling is the exact same thing as anxiety/fear, just with different stories attached.

fascinate (v.) 1590s, "bewitch, enchant," from Middle French fasciner (14c.), from Latin fascinatus, past participle of fascinare "bewitch, enchant, fascinate," from fascinus "a charm, enchantment, spell, witchcraft," which is of uncertain origin. Earliest used of witches and of serpents, who were said to be able to cast a spell by a look that rendered one unable to move or resist. Sense of "delight, attract and hold the attention of" is first recorded 1815. To fascinate is to bring under a spell, as by the power of the eye; to enchant and to charm are to bring under a spell by some more subtle and mysterious power. [Century Dictionary] Possibly from Greek baskanos "slander, envy, malice," later "witchcraft, sorcerery," with form influenced by Latin fari "speak" (see fame (n.)), but others say the resemblance of the Latin and Greek words is accidental. The Greek word might be from a Thracian equivalent of Greek phaskein "to say;" compare enchant, and German besprechen "to charm," from sprechen "to speak." Watkins suggests the Latin word is perhaps from PIE *bhasko- "band, bundle" via a connecting sense of "amulet in the form of a phallus" (compare Latin fascinum "human penis; artificial phallus; dildo"). Related: Fascinated; fascinating. If [baskanos] and fascinum are indeed related, they would point to a meaning 'curse, spell' in a loanword from an unknown third language. [de Vaan] https://www.etymonline.com/word/fascinate fascinate, entertain, fascia, fascinate entertain, intertwine

https://www.iptmiami.com/news/Learning_How_to_Unlock_Tissue_Memory https://www.myofascialrelease.com/about/fascia-definition.aspx "Fascia is a specialized system of the body that has an appearance similar to a spider's web or a sweater. Fascia is very densely woven, covering and interpenetrating every muscle, bone, nerve, artery and vein, as well as, all of our internal organs including the heart, lungs, brain and spinal cord. The most interesting aspect of the fascial system is that it is not just a system of separate coverings. It is actually one continuous structure that exists from head to toe without interruption. In this way you can begin to see that each part of the entire body is connected to every other part by the fascia, like the yarn in a sweater."

WTF, little Miss Speller? https://www.yogajournal.com/teach/what-you-need-to-know-about-fascia "Fascia is the biological fabric that holds us together—the connective-tissue network. This collagenous network of gel and fiber is made up in part by an “extra-cellular matrix,” manufactured inside a connective-tissue cell and then extruded out into intercellular space. The fiber-gel matrix remains an immediate part of the environment of every cell, similar to how cellulose helps provide structure to plant cells. (Remember, we are more like a plant than a machine.) "The benefits of thinking of the body as a whole organism, instead of in parts, are profound. When we truly comprehend and feel this in our own bodies and see it in our students, we can move and teach with more integrity. That said, as yoga becomes physiotherapized, or made into a practice resembling physical therapy that helps people restore movement and function (a necessary and positive process in general), asana are often reduced to which muscles are stretched—think “Downward Dog is good for your hamstrings.” In reality, while tight hamstrings may be a common experience, your edge in this pose may be deep in your calves or butt, or along the fronts of your shoulders. It depends on your patterns—the way you were grown and what you took on." "Relax your voice box, then your tongue, then your jaw. Let your head dangle. Let yourself be stupid for a moment, then re-establish the length in your cervical spine without the tension." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24725795 " Many bodyworkers, at some point in their practice, have experienced phenomena that may be interpreted as representing a release of memory traces when working on dysfunctional tissues. This feeling may have been accompanied by some type of sensory experience, for the therapist and/or the patient. In some cases, early traumatic experiences may be recalled. When this happens, the potency of the memory may be erased or eased, along with restoration of tissue function. Hence the questions: can memories be held in the fascia? And: are these memories accessible during manual fascial work? Modern research has proposed a variety of different interpretations as to how memory might be stored in soft tissues, possibly involving other forms of information storage not exclusively processed neurologically"

Angles, angels, points of reference, Indra's net https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/String_art A piece of black string that I had taken from my mom's sewing table to fix something had fallen off the spool. It's antique, had a wooden spool and I didn't want to just throw it away and also didn't want to take the time to wrap it back around the spool so it stayed in the laundry room until my washing machine got clogged and in the chaos of fixing it and the string got kicked on the floor. I was looking at it, the contrast of the black string on the white linoleum, the string was tangled and made loops, a pattern which both repeated itself and was unique. A single piece of string created the illusion of unique yet also repetitive shapes of loops which, when looking at the empty space in between, had their own appearance of individuality. By forgetting that they were formed from one string, and looking at the empty space between as if it had substance of its own one could compare the shapes of some of the loops to that of others. As my brain started to compare, it had to choose and weigh criteria, was I judging/comparing the loops superiority, by size? Symmetry? Aesthetics? Any combination of these? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/String_art https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bézier_curve "String art has its origins in the 'curve stitch' activities invented by Mary Everest Boole at the end of the 19th century to make mathematical ideas more accessible to children." My subconscious is such a patient kindergarten teacher. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/String_theory https://examples.yourdictionary.com/examples-of-motif.html Just noticed more dream board vandalism. He has left it alone for a along time. I wrote the words on the left, my husband on the right.

tension. ... The noun tension has its Latin roots in tendere, which means to stretch, and tension occurs when something is stretched either physically or emotionally. This “tender” came from the French “tendre,” meaning “to hold out,” i.e., to hand money or an official paper to a clerk. That French “tendre” is rooted in our old friend the Latin “tendere” (“to stretch”), and, further back, the trusty Indo-European “ten.” From Latin tendere, present active infinitive of tendō (“I stretch, stretch out, distend, extend”), from Proto-Italic *tendō, from Proto-Indo-European *ten- (“to stretch, draw”). Latin tenere, which means 'to hold'

Watcher and the watched? Observer and observed? You and me, conversing? The words, the reader, the writer? Are they separate?

"Entertain comes from the juxtaposition of French entre which comes from Latin Inter both words meaning 'together, or among', and Latin tenere, which means 'to hold'. So, literally, entertain means to 'hold or support together'." Entertaining angels. Me and my husband used to listen to this song a lot in the car before we were married. One to another Do you remember me I feel so small Are you listening tonight So temporary Things that I have seen I ran so far Will you take me back again Entertaining angels By the light of my t.v. screen 24-7 you wait for me Entertaining angels By the time I fall to my knees Host of heaven, sing over me One to another The feelings in between I won't let go Of all you taught me - alright Close as a brother The way we used to be I'll hold my breath And wait for you to breathe Entertaining angels By the light of my t.v. screen 24-7 you wait for me Entertaining angels While the night becomes history Host of heaven, sing over me

Feeling like you forgot your lines? You're writing your own script, and since you haven't become conscious of that yet, you haven't sat down to write the next lines yet. You can never remember something that was or something that was supposed to be, so you can never forget it. You can only create it anew. No forgetting, no remembering, no prewritten script, only resonance and alignment. Overprepare, and go with the flow. Prepave, intend, and then wing it. Everything is already set in order, you set it in order, confidence is having that skeleton of the structure, as your breathe life into it and it fleshes out before your eyes. I was reading the skeleton woman chapter from the Women Who Run With Wolves book, and my daughter had been upstairs raiding the holiday decorations and took my bat skeleton I have for Halloween and brought him into the room I was reading in and then proceeded to feed him a chocolate Easter egg. @Nahm saying how we made "a scapebat" for coronavirus, "of course" because bats are creatures that fly on feeling rather than sight came to mind.

It's all an act, unavoidably. It's not actualized.org for nothing. (or maybe it is) The need to act authentically is the very thing that must be let go of before you actually can.

It's an indication of resistance. You are not just observing the dream, you're also creating it. There's no one outside you designing the dream for you to just sit back and observe passively, and there's also no you to have "control" over it either. The mind wants to claim that one of these scenarios is true or it flip flops between them. I suggest that you check out Abraham Hicks or Nahm's dreamboard thread.

ISpiration!!!

I found something in the river one day a few weeks ago that said "Champion" and then a broken piece of an old bottle that said "spring". Insight from this morning spirituality = entertainment. That's how intention/imagination come in. You don't just want to sit back and watch just anything you want to create it. And yet doing that involves a lot of sitting back and watching. Do you know what an insight is? It's just something you accepted that wouldn't accept before. I watched the start of this yesterday. Growing up in a rural stage blue community, with strong gender roles and an aversion to obsession/attention to beauty, pretensions and success, watching him is a total mindfuck. His champion jacket was a clue for me. He's also shamelessly flaunting living his dream life in the video. Yesterday while I was running I noticed that presence/pure observation comes when you see something new, especially a natural scene, you don't know what to expect, you have no prejudgments or reactions, you just feel it purely and take it in. That's why going on a vacation can be so powerful. Yet the illusion is, that you've ever really seen or been anywhere before. That you ever know a person or a place. Enlightenment is the feeling of returning home to a place you've never been before.

Why do I feel as if there is a conflict between intuition and making intentions? Why am I afraid of or resistant to making intentions? Do I feel as if I'm giving up my freedom, locking myself in to something? Is it because it feels selfish, that I feel as if there's some sort of God outside I'm supposed to serve and go along with my predestinated purpose whether I like it or not? I resist locking myself into something, but I go along willingly if it's "someone imaginarily bigger and more powerful and outside" myself. I miss you sometimes, Jesus. I'm closer than ever. Yeah, whatever dude, shut up, I'm writing. Do I turn intentions into goals that I use as a yardstick to measure myself against? I want to be along for the ride, with no "responsibility" (no opportunity for self-judgement, cause my inner voice is a cruel heartless bitch) (it takes one to know one, Bitch) and I also want to be in the driver's seat. What's the difference between imagination and intention? Imagination implies that it could be good or bad, that it's just happening, intention implies that there is someone purposefully behind it, and that there's a future more important than the present. Imagination has a free, wistful but useless feeling to it, intention, a serious, driving forceful one. Collapse dualities. Imagining, what I want with no judgement, expectations or time. Can I properly intend that way? Can I use "time" to plan without the weight of it? Well why the fuck not? I've been self sabotaging myself over my youtube channel. Even a tiny bit of success is poison to someone who isn't prepared. You think you want what you want for reasons you don't know. You only want external success so you can vibrationally acclimate to it, the "inner journey" ... enlightenment. At that point it won't matter what it looks like. So go, dream that you conquer the whole fucking world, it's your oyster. You are the oyster, never moving never going anywhere and the diver pushing the limits of the human body, risking his life in hope of uncovering great treasure. If there wasn't a quiet harmless irritation to quietly sit with, there'd never be a pearl to dive for. I'm doing this for me, and only for me. "I've had my share of sand kicked in my face But I've come through"

A whole bunch of gender identification/ sexual stuff comes bubbling to the surface in this work, because our unconscious identifications and resistances are so deeply rooted in sex/gender/attraction and we look to that area to resolve those dualities. Oneness has a lot of bizarre and inconvenient-to-the-ego consequences that we like to bury and avoid. I'm not suggesting that you're wrong or you're right, just don't let the mind take this too far, don't let the mind hijack the insights and prevent the real integration from the trip. Having a gift for empathy, having intuition and insights into people, will complete fuck up your relationships and how you fit in with the "normal" sense and societal expectations of "boundaries" in real life. The more you try to solve this on the level of mind and "fixing yourself as a person", rather than in the moment of connection with someone, the bigger the problem gets, cause we just feed it more resistance. Much of our pain comes from the simple attempt to identify with SOMETHING, anything then realizing again and again that nothing we come up with will ever fit.

Following my last post, I think I understand Osho a bit better now. Discovered yin yoga recently, or rather was able to make it my own or work for me. The pigeon stretch in particular along with more balanced training, and strengthening is magically allowing me to run like I want to again. I also have to enter a pretty deep state of meditation to do it. Meditation improves yoga, yoga improves meditation and running trumps them all in a way because I get to think up whatever shit I want in a mindful and slightly altered state and the freedom of that is the Osho/fuck-you-all-Pooh-bear of mindfulness practices and I am all in for that. "The desire to force love to live on in its most positive form only is what causes love ultimately to fall over dead, and for good." "Rational psyche goes fishing for something deep and not only lands it but is so shocked it can barely stand it." -Women Who Run With Wolves I accidentally wrote ispiration on my dream board. I'm not doing much with it, lately it's devolved into me writing down all the words they put on those motivational posters only I can't spell them properly.

Contemplating contrast a lot lately. Is joy in the contrast itself? There was a girl I was friends with in my art class senior year who made everything pastel and it annoyed the fuck out of me. "It needs more black," I'd preach at her until it became a joke and my art got darker and hers got lighter in reaction. "Do you know what day it is today?" asked Christopher Robin. "I haven't got a fucking clue." replied Pooh. " Funny, cause wholesome expectations about Pooh then, the F word. No contrast, no choice. Do Buddhists mean "desire" as preference? "I will make a dogma, that you must make the preference to NOT have preferences." HA! Buddhists saying have no desire is just like Pooh dropping the f bomb.

I think it depends on the couple, but I think in most healthy dynamic relationships it switches back and forth and that's the most fulfilling.

There's a crow on my lawn right now, it's not feeling crappy about itself because it's 100% black and not half white dove. Sometimes balance is less about a standard (where is the magical point that is balance?) and more about less ownership, identification and reaction. Contrast is not imbalance, it is balance itself.

"To lay inert and only dreaming of a perfect love is easy. It is an anesthetization from which we might never recover but for ruthlessly snagging something valuable, yet outside our awareness. For the naive and wounded, the miracle of the psyche's ways is that even if you are halfhearted, irreverent, didn't mean to, didn't really hope to, don't want to, feel unworthy to, aren't ready for it, you will accidentally stumble upon treasure anyway. Then it is your soul's work not to overlook what has been brought up, to recognize treasure as treasure no matter how unusual its form, and to consider carefully what to do next." -Women Who Run With Wolves

I can't even really read this past entry but the snap out of it at the end was palpable. I can't go along with it, it's mostly just utter drivel. Sitting on the couch with the puppy feeling crappy and looking at the sink piled high with dishes, then finding myself appreciating how beautiful my daughter's magenta plastic bowl looks next to the yellow forsythia flowers on the windowsill. It's both sickening, hopeless, a deadend... and paradise, Happily Ever After.

“One of the marvels of the world is the sight of a soul sitting in prison with the key in its hand!” ― Rumi, Is guilt/shame and anxiety/fear the same feeling? Well yes... I suppose it has to be in feeling, because nonduality, but holy cow, I never really saw how tied together they are, how one feeds the other. Last night I had a dream that I was throwing a dinner party but I didn't really prepare but this wasn't obvious to me until no one showed up anyway. I was sitting alone and looked up and I was sitting by the woods and it was windy and all these rotting, dead trees were hanging over my head waiting to fall and I realized I probably shouldn't be sitting there. I also had a really symbolic dream about clothing, the symbolism of which I've been becoming more conscious of lately over the past few days. I feel very stuck right now. Maybe the gentle practice I learned of following pointers, signs and feelings through shadow work, waiting, being patient, works with feeling as well. I'm dogmatically trying to force myself into allowing, which is a ridiculous strange loop. I'm opening to those disgusting feelings that come up so often during the day, feeling like I should be doing something else, or that I'm wasting my time, or just awful resistance to what's at hand. I'm feeling the sensations, the feeling in my body, the knot in my stomach. Am I, or am I thinking about them more? THINK MANDY, THINK! You're stupid, you never did think the right way. It's ok, you can avoid that shortcoming by demonizing thinking. Thought demonizes itself. The day before yesterday I told my husband that I felt bad for 8th graders and high school students missing their graduations this year. He said something like college graduations were more important, a bigger deal. I sat with it a moment and recognized that I was triggered, that he had had a college graduation and I hadn't. I wanted to react but then I came back with an answer that I told myself was only half reaction of what I wanted to say, half trying to one-up him. "Well, a very small percentage of people get to experience a college graduation. So high school graduations are a bigger deal for more people." That night I dreamed that I went back to high school, not college but high school to take three classes, and it felt really strange. Then the dream shifted and I had bought my Grandmother's house and committed to fix it up and make it mine. Life in general can go take a flying fuck right now. What the fuck did I do to deserve this existence? What the fuck did I do to deserve this existence? Same question, same words are asked following great appreciation or great suffering. I didn't do anything? I don't own any of it. What if I'm imagining all the pain in my body, all the blockages, the powerlessness? Isn't that what I've been taught here? It's imagination? Then how is it not my fucking fault? How am I not to blame? Or how am I not a victim? How do I forgive a self that doesn't exist, how do I love a self that doesn't exist? The depths of nihilism itself. I won't deny love. But I would deny myself. I would kill it. I would wish it was never born. Just fucking die already. I've seen behind the curtain, there's nothing to kill. The desire to kill it persists. Sometimes you have to let some punches out in thought. This was all pretend to me. All play. I saw how it unfolded, I saw the mind blowing connections, I felt them, I've seen through the charade. But I still pretend, doubt and live and feel as if it's real, life and death. "I've been knocking and no one answers. And I've been knocking most of the day." Why is Self Love, utter alignment? It is existence without existence. I just binge ate an entire dark chocolate bar and some other things. It's getting ridiculous. Getting fat is what every woman fears the most and yet wants the most. Maybe if I make myself completely undesirable to others, I'd actually love me. Oh Jesus Mandy you're so dramatic. Creed, now? You can try, but you know none of this even sticks anymore. My newly found carefreeness terrifies me. Just read that again, oh God, that's funny.

Congrats, you win a prize... nothing.

@Serotoninluv