mandyjw

Oh virtual trash can... dispose of my thoughts as I express them. I stopped writing in this journal so it would float on. I feel cornered, absolutely cornered, and I know that the funny thing is that this is because I have wanted and committed to absolute freedom. I judge people and situations and it boomerangs back at me, and this is exactly how I wanted it. I love them and unknowingly grasp at them, wanting something from them, wanting some special situation, connection, meaning, state, status, and I fall on my ass. I build this amazing house of cards and ask for help with where to put the finishing touch, the last architectural details, and the help I get, the help I wanted was in knocking the whole thing down and throwing the cards across the room. I give up the dream of the house of cards, and feel good about it, smiling in sweet victory and release that that obsession has been transcended, and then the master plans for the next come to me in a dream.

After reading AleksM's thread a second time through, I want to try the practice he suggested. This is the form he gave, I may let the form evolve with time as I go, I'm not sure. "1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ____ (describe your harmful selfish way of thinking, acting, emoting) 2. When I notice and become aware of ___(describe the things you mentioned earlier), I stop and breath. 3. I am conscious that ___ (1. describe the harmful consequences of your pattern and why it's not supportive for all life. 2. Describe why and how the changed action is better for all) 4. This is why from now on, I am committed to (describe a practical healthy mind pattern new pattern that is best for all life with which you're substituting the old, unnecessary, selfish and harmful pattern)" 1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly react in a way to shame my husband for being forgetful. 2. When I notice and become aware of myself immediately being overcome with feelings of regret, fear and shortcoming, I stop and breathe. 3. I am conscious that shaming other people for being forgetful is only an expression of how hard I am on myself and comes from a fearful contracted place. By forgiving myself and others for shortcomings I'll be able to experience life more fully, expansively and share in that with others. 4. This is why from now on, I am committed to forgiving myself and others for what I perceive as shortcomings and letting go of my perfectionism and need to control. I am committed to embracing the present reality of the situation without the mind filter of an ideal "I" am trying to force it to mold to.

Oh shit. Peter- verb decrease or fade gradually before coming to an end. Peter name, meaning stone The name Ralston is a boy's name of English origin meaning "Ralph's settlement". ralph /ralf/verb INFORMAL•NORTH AMERICAN vomit. Ralph name- meaning "wolf-counsel".

My daughter pretends to find jewels in the house, "look a jewel! Look, ANOTHER one!". My son says "You can't find jewels in the HOUSE, only in the basement!" Me: "She's PRETENDING, go do your WORK."

Putting this here, because it's like a purge. My parents almost never said I was pretty except when they occasionally told me to emphasize why I should be careful whenever in the presence of men. The thought of my appearance and being seen by men was always married to a feeling of fear.

I am a rascal, I am a rascal, I am a rascal, I am a good girl and I know it. I've never been one for affirmations. I am full of shit. I am unbelievable. "I'll let go!" What is depression? I have some sort of ego backlash. I get up at 5 to meditate and the past two days my daughter has gotten up too. Today is so rough that tomorrow I'm getting up at 4 to meditate. Meditation is an addiction. Because, I still am so distracted during the day that I cannot hold my connection like I want to. I want to be able to not meditate. I can not meditate. But my beliefs and fears about meditation and depression are showing, like an uncovered blister. The bandaid helps it heal, yes. But it also allows you to forget that the sore exists, which may or may not be helpful, if it requires attention in any way. Depression is a kind of self created drama, which though this statement may sound yucky and heartless if one identifies with depression, there's a kind of desire for the profound that is mixed in with depression. It's like a desire to create the profound, to hold out for it. To hold on to it. But you are it. Let go and... TA DA! Oh, go fuck yourself. I've suffered from depression since I was 10. My life and my self actualization journey has been a game of chase, I'm the prey and the depression is the lion. I have literally, literally run for miles and miles since I was 10 to run away from depression. Now, I've found that I can sit to run away from depression. What a revelation! But I am the lion. Lying. Sitting in meditation, running, or sleeping, sitting watching Leo Gura or Leo DiCaprio on youtube, I am the lion. I truly enjoy the profundity of meditation, of running, the drama of dreams, or Leo's videos and romantic dramatic stories, but, in the end I may have to admit that I unconsciously enjoy the profundity of my depression as well, and the unconsciousness of this enjoyment is the only veil that colors the profundity the illusory color "depression". Homeschooling my son off and on while writing this and look over and my daughter has powdered the puppy's entire butt with cornstarch and it's all over the floor. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Maybe I should just do neither and just clean up the mess. A brilliant parody of what was ALREADY both a profound AND funny song. "Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?" I'll never let go Jack. "Oh let me joke..." "We do not like your jokes" "Oh let me joke..."

@electroBeam I've laughed before and had people think I was crying, I've cried before and had people think I was laughing and plenty of times I've not known the difference myself in the experience of it. It's all just arbitrary. What is the point of generalizing about women OR men? Some women like big penises, some like little ones, some like average ones, some fake orgasms, some orgasm a lot, some don't orgasm. Some are horny cyclically, some all the time, some not at all, some are hornier after a certain age, some are less, some are going through emotional issues that shut them off from their sex drive, others are neurotically seek pleasure and validation from sex. Who on EARTH cares what the overall average is? Isn't variety BEAUTIFUL? If a woman wants you to feel a sense of completion like you pleased her, she fakes an orgasm so that her own blockages aren't overthought by you, she's doing something out of love. Maybe she enjoys sex, and connection in a tantric sort of way but doesn't need to have an orgasm to prove it, but she knows it's important to you so she fakes rather than try to explain. If she never fakes with you and shows her displeasure with your performance, she's being honest with you out of love. There's nothing to fear, or diminish anyone in this situation. No one gets "credit" or "blame" for anything. Everyone can just let it go. That's the entire purpose of an orgasm anyway.

No one has ever seen the entirety of the earth or the moon, all 360 degrees at the same time. In a beginner art class you learn how to draw perfect circles and shade them to look like a sphere. The illusion is what makes it 3D. Both flat, 3D and spherical are concepts that don't exist in experience, they are ways of communicating and understanding experience afterwards. Are there better ways to communicate an experience than others? Are there deeper more thorough ways to explore something, and then be able to communicate even better after? Of course. But your communication through thought to another will never be the actuality... your shared united experience. Ok, I will print off the words Usain Bolt on a piece of paper, tape it to the floor and I will jump over them. There, I am faster than Usain Bolt.

The point is just that you imagine what everyone else is experiencing... in YOUR experience, and you are responsible for your own experience. It makes no difference if a woman fakes or not, you only take credit for or second guess, yourself. If you believe girls are less horny than men, that will be what you experience, if you think they are more horny, that will be your experience. If you think you can make a girl orgasm by text message, that will be true. If a girl thinks she can orgasm from a text message, she will, if a girl thinks she can never orgasm, she won't. Orgasm is psychosomatic, your thoughts and beliefs create your experience. Way too many beliefs and hurts projected on the opposite gender, maybe the real release you are wanting to to let go of the beliefs and start imagining the experience you want from life.

Oh no, I wasn't implying that, the clip was just because Leo was talking about food and she is obviously just really enjoying her sandwich.

All you did was prove that no man has ever given a woman an orgasm.

It's the basis of everything, forgiveness, open-mindedness, clear perception, unconditional love, healing. And it's only possible because no thing/no condition makes all things, well... infinitely possible. LOVE IS ALIVE! Even learning to follow your intuition means learning to question intuition. Even receiving insights means letting go of insight. Even a marriage, long term relationship or a skill that you have spent your life mastering is only alive when it is let go of and freely experienced in the moment. It is only then, when the weight of time and the one who is committed to or doing, is let go of that this "investment" is enjoyed or experienced. Ironically the deepest, longest commitments require the most letting go. Which is exactly why or how you committed to being you. You aren't even...a you.

Love is alive, love is alive, love is alive. I HATED this episode when it came out.

Learned some new variations toward the end of this video that felt really good.

Ok, so the first quote from above is in reference to physical death, which I took out of context and yet, this insight I got way back from Eckhart Tolle comes up again, that each goodbye and end of an interaction or conversation is a death... AND a new beginning. This the value of setting intentions, yet with complete allowing, holding to nothing.

The past couple nights I've had strange dreams in relationship to men, not relationships as in attraction or romantic ones, just general relationships. The night before last there were gay men and I was conscious of my judgment towards them. I've always subtly felt like gay men hate women, and I suppose that men feel this way about lesbian women too. I used to be really active on an art forum and there was this gay man who everyone adored, he was awesome and funny. But occasionally, he talked about the reason why he was NOT attracted to women and that was some of the most demeaning stuff I've ever read. And these liberal women thought they were open-minded to him because homosexuality is liberal and open-minded, so it was seen as ok for the most part. This is a stupid story I'm perhaps remembering incorrectly, but I suppose it illustrates the fact that you can love anything and that love is pure, but when you come up with reasons why you don't love the other, well that's not how Source feels. I project judgement onto him for saying women are disgusting, but in reality it's the mechanism in myself that I don't like. I say that it's his problem he was focusing on what didn't prefer, but I was identifying with the female body so that I could focus on feeling a way I didn't prefer about the female body. Tricky. I remember when I was a kid I used to ask my dad which of my stuffed animals or artwork he liked best. And as soon as he picked one I said "well, what's WRONG with the others?!" and eventually he told me why he didn't want to choose, that there wasn't necessarily anything wrong with the others, he just so happened to choose that one. But he strongly modeled this pick and choose and favoritism with his relationship with people. I learned patterns of connecting with people by demeaning others in conversation with them, which later destroyed my relationships and happiness until I saw through it. There I go again, it's dad's fault, or gay man's fault, someone else's fault. Men make fantastic scapegoats I guess. I use them to allow me to perpetuate my own inner bitch, but I'm the only one who can't ever get away from her. I've always hated this song but it came to me. I can only love my own inner bitch instead of trying to get away from her. Last nights dream was about someone who was watching me go about doing things, and he had this incredibly carefree fun loving attitude and yet he sort of questioned and pointed out things to me that I was doing. I can't remember more than that. I'll intend to remember by dreams more clearly next time. How did I feel though? Good, for the most part. Loved, but also unsure of how I should fit in to the mix of personalities and circumstances. I've never been able to interact well with men who are social butterflies, I only like the shy quiet ones because my playful side comes out unbidden and men who are fun make me shy, quiet and cautious in reaction. Living from ego is always a game of unconsciously playing devil's advocate and uncomfortable mirroring situations. This from Ask and It Is Given really struck me and I want to quote it here. "You are an eternal Being always projecting from Non-Physical, and sometimes that projection is into a physical personality. When this physical personality is complete for this time, there there is a withdrawal of focus. It is sort of like: Here you sit, and sometimes you go into a movie, and sometimes you come back out of the movie, but you are always the you that went into the movie, whether you are in the movie or not. Here is a rule of thumb that will help you; If you believe that something is good, and you do it, it benefits you. If you believe that something is bad, and you do it, it is a very detrimental experience. There is nothing that you can do that is worse for yourself than to do something that you believe is inappropriate, so get clear and happy about whichever choice you make, because it is your contradiction that causes the majority of the contradiction in vibration. Make a decision about what you want, focus your attention there, and find the feeling place of it- and you are there instantly. There is no reason for you to suffer or struggle your way to or through anything. "

Learning and discovery is the greatest joy there is, but it wouldn't be a joy if you didn't have the freedom to do so. So the possibility of learning + freedom to do so= the possibility of ignorance. We get to choose what we focus on. You cannot learn and be conscious of ignorance, consciousness of ignorance is pushing something away, learning is receiving. Openness/love/appreciation forgetting what one knows is required to learn, beginner's mind is the only "intelligent" kind of mind.

Love is no exclusions, so Truth and Love have to be identical. There's no better than, only different ways of speaking of it. That's why some people don't speak of the truth as being love, because anything you exclude consciously or unconsciously will come back to you, call it karma or whatever you want to call it. If you speak of love and an opposite is inferred and focused on, that's what will be experienced until that too is understood as part of Love.

When you're in awe of the beauty of a sunset or something you are that. Mind is the commentary, "look there's pink and orange", "maybe I should take a picture", "wow I've never seen a sunset like that", "a bug is biting me, goddamn it, I want to enjoy the sunset" etc. Just practice dissolving into the moment, by finding things that help shut off the mind, running long distance, meditation, shamanic breathing, whatever and put you into that full blown appreciation mode. After you've gotten good at that, you can invite the mind back in to the party, or it'll crash the party anyway, then you can ask it what you are. You usually have to get it love drunk first before it tells you anything honest.

What is innocence, in relation to ignorance? What is it that imposes the extra judgement that the choice of the word ignorant infers?

Ask and it is given, and given, and given, and given. Today I went grocery shopping, which is weird during a pandemic. My cashier had used a bra cup for a mask and it didn't even cover her nose. My mom made me a mask out of butterfly quilting fabric and every time I put it on I think of Silence of the Lambs, which I've never seen because I don't watch movies. On the way out of store I heard someone singing, loudly but well and they proceeded to sing flawlessly across the parking lot and I watched a pair of guys walk across, the guy with the singer never cracked a smile, never looked awkward just kept walking normally. The singer wore a bright red baseball cap. Warning, batshit crazy synchronicity processing to follow, that probably sounds even more crazier to someone else who doesn't have the foundational questions and desires and feelings behind it that I am aware of. I had to google the lyrics but I should have known. Oh, but if you want to win it There's no speed limit Just go faster, faster, don't be slow Rev it up, rev it up 'til your engine blows Ok, so I just looked up the plot of Silence of the Lambs. Then for some reason (I let my daughter watch my little pony videos on youtube and for SOME reason someone made a song out of this, so I googled the lyrics, cause it's really catchy. Seriously WTF with the song lyrics? Edgy band, bahahaha. Youtube name "horcurxes" first comment, this reminds me of "Bill Cipher" Bill? Bill from Silence of the Lambs? Creepy synchronicity. Google Bill Cipher, it's a cartoon based on the eye of providence. Which the peer amid thing I got into last winter, remembers avatar, and the song that I was listening to at the same time with all the synchronicity, the red jacket in the video driving all around an empty Las Vegas, I wore my red jacket to get groceries on an impulse last time and wore it again today, the guy singing with the red hat and the car theme of Shania's song... rev it up, rev it up Earlier today I went to the river and was thinking about ask and it is given and I saw a white shell thing in the water and imagined that it was something amazing to find, even though it wasn't. A few minute later I found a fossil there, even though I've never found one there. You can see the nautilus shapes in it. I put out another request. I really want to find an arrowhead. I've wanted to find one forever. My friend and I were both obsessed with Native American history when we were kids. I went on a hike later and tried to send out requests for inspiration to further write my story. I had one of those annoying impulses to go back and pick up a rock, I did and though it wasn't an arrowhead, it was shaped JUST like one. I had the realization while filming my eye of the storm video that THAT was the place where a scene in the book takes place, where the characters go out on the water on a cliff to watch the lightning. And I touched the pine tree that had been hit and scorched by lightning and looked at all the shells the hawks, bald eagles and other birds had dropped high on the cliff. The weather was so strange, rain came and went, sun streamed through the clouds and I heard it over the water first before it came to reach me. I just remembered that I went by the trail yesterday because I picked up Dr.P's book and just felt this connection so strong I held it to my heart and opened it and the slip of paper that fell out of my Grandmothers bible that caused me to FIND that trail in the first place was there. One of the things that bothered me the most about the story in my head was the age of the characters. Should they be younger or slightly older? I can't decide. My daughter handed me my phone, she had accidentally clicked on Leo's video, "Advice for Young People" I know that there's no duality between fantasy and reality now, so writing the book is digging through the depths of my psyche as well as creating my reality, and reality is creating the story. But there's no one writing it. It's tricky work, not doing any work. What is a distraction from what, really? Three successes: Experiments in intention and manifestation Further driving home that I am fucking creating this, so you better take the steering wheel. Jesus, I'm taking the wheel back, every now and then anyway. Uhmm youtube music video discovery fuckery? How is that not success? Three things that brought me joy: The guy in the red hat singing The smell of the woods after a rain shower The puppy asleep under blankets my daughter carefully covers him up with Three things that I am thankful for: Music at my finger tips on youtube Access to information anywhere in the middle of fucking no where, what kind of MIRACLE IS THIS??!! Inexplicable connection Galaxy, galaxy Won't you be my consolation I need someone to kiss my hands and my feet And make me feel complete, oh, yeah Mysterious universe I know you're unrehearsed But I see the light in your hands You're the man with the plan, oh, yeah But it feels just like I'm falling all the time (Falling all the time) High as a pretty star Don't you break my faded heart Don't put me out Show me what it's all about What am I writing? What am I creating? Universe, I know that it's as easy to create a button as a castle. Will I send (spend, misspelling but I like the word send here, yes I do) my life in the middle of no where thrilled with shells, rocks, marbles and buttons? Will I write a fantasy novel to entertain myself? Or will I build a pyramid/peer amid maybe? Or a house on a hill with a turret, with a circular balcony around it and a telescope. Mmm... Or a new world order? I can't decide.

Today got a little crazy again, I put off watching Leo's latest video all week and watching it activated some feelings I'd been avoiding, but feeling them felt better than the avoidance. Actually, the crazy started right before the video and the video was like the peanut butter in the crazy sandwich. Maybe I'll stop using the word crazy someday and accept all states and phases. Maybe not. Three successes: Finished Leo's video Got a couple work projects done Got my husband to laugh Three things that brought me joy: The red buds on an ancient maple tree against the blue sky with the half moon Bald eagle flew over me on my run Saw my first kingfisher this year Three things that I am thankful for: Spring yin yoga my house I've been avoiding the forum too. Come back and there's this. "When a man’s meditation is growing, a woman’s love should grow. Only then can they keep pace, and a higher harmony will arise and it will go on, higher and higher. And a moment comes when the man is totally in meditation and the woman is totally in love – then only the PERFECT meeting, then only the real, supreme orgasm between two persons. Not physical, not sexual – total! Two existences meeting into each other, dissolving. Then the lover becomes the door, the beloved becomes the door, and they both reach to the one." The house with no door, where the story takes place. I wonder, has anyone ever wrote a true Love story? Of course, we're writing it everyday, every way and always forever. I never finished the painting. But the lack of the door was the scariest thing. Complete and utter darkness within. “The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you Don't go back to sleep! You must ask for what you really want. Don't go back to sleep! People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch, The door is round and open Don't go back to sleep!” ― Rumi

You won't be thinking of measuring and recognizing tiers when you're on the highest tier, so in a way you'll never know. I'm almost done the book, but I'd say all of the processes resonated. The only one that didn't was the precise directions for dealing with clutter, but only because I'm a huge fan of Marie Kondo and she has spent her life making a process to deal with your physical "stuff". The ones I marked off to go back to are scripting, the book of positive aspects, the creative workshop and the prosperity game. I've listened to Abraham Hicks so much, I'm not sure why I took so long to read the books. So far I've only read The Law of Attraction: The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham and almost through Ask and It Is Given.

Check out Abraham Hicks and study the law of attraction. You cannot push away or battle negative thoughts. You must define and focus on the thoughts you do want to have, practice appreciation and gratitude. You cannot focus on a thought you don't want to have and try to banish it away, you have to identify what you DO want to think about.

Oh Jesus. Oh. ohh... ohhhh... Jesus! I'd take offense, but there's no such thing as an enlightened man or an enlightened woman.