mandyjw

Ugh! Perception is such a bitch. Perhaps I am the bitch? Hmm... I read into everything. Maybe I don't. Maybe that's the illusion. I must be stable in order for me to be able to see someone's photo and feel disgust one time, look at the same photo and feel perfect love another, and something else completely new another. There must be a memory and a stable I to mark and notice that change, there must be an observer behind the perception. To read a forum post and the same words on separate occasions and read an entirely different meaning each time. I feel uncomfortable sensations in my stomach and feel the need to distract... myself. From what?

Love and evil are judgements. No one is asking you to change your judgement from bad to good about certain things. They are asking you to question judgement itself fundamentally, and the you who judges and knows what things are.

Follow your bliss, follow your heart, get quiet, get curious, notice things and appreciate them. After that it's like the snowball effect and the thing starts rolling downhill all on its own.

Charles Swindoll was idolized in my house when I was a kid. Break free from all that and here we are again. Straaaaaange loop.

I can't remember when but a while ago I became aware and somewhat humorously entertained by the fact that I make wild expectations, or expectations in general... completely unconsciously. Where do they come from? "Well this is not what I expected!" "What were you expecting?" "Fucked if I know, but not this." Trying to control the thoughts you're conscious of is like carefully locking your doors at night and then climbing in bed with a serial killer.

I'm using the different aspects of my life to "bounce" inspiration off. When one ball falls, I throw the other up in the air. A lot of art is knowing when to delve in and when to set it aside and forget it until you can look at it with fresh eyes. Too much focus on my business which I have an income in gets lonely and tiring, and it feels awesome to create something that connects language and make videos. After too much focus on youtube and it feels awesome to shut the fuck up and create visual art. Same deal with family, the house, etc. I feel as if my scatter-brained ADD mind is becoming a super power. I thought it was a problem I had to control.

Shooting this video and the new inspiration I've found over the past couple of weeks have been eye opening. I think I turn my gender into an excuse for discrediting myself in feeling and thought. Male/female duality is an interesting one to collapse. (That's what she said.)

Love is naturally mind opening. Open your mind to her views and she'll most likely open her mind to your views. We all influence each other quite powerfully whether we know it or not.

You might like my channel. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCufWoVYvFm_6VKc09xUAV3A Also Tara Brach is really good. https://www.youtube.com/user/tarabrach

@Lyubov Do you have the opportunity to visit parks, go hiking, swimming, do outdoor stuff? That seems to be the place where I see people interacting normally and comfortably right now. Helps with the loneliness even if you don't meet someone.

Impulse to youtube search The Cathedrals, the music of which I was "indoctrinated" with very young. All the top results have "He" in them. Oh wait no. I'm blaming people again. That was me leaving the T out of the. Goddamn it! I wrote "He". There's no one to blame anything on anymore! Goddamn it! Intuition, you tricked me! Oh I'm so embarrassed. I'm the monster at the end of this book. I just remembered that I saw a starfish monster with light for eyes in a cloud that was blocking the sun while swimming today. Then saw another cute monster in something or other.

Whose shadow is it anyway?

The more I realize this song is Truth with a capital T the more people compliment me on my authenticity. Also femininity is huge on my mind right now. And the message of this song is something I'll journal about later. If you're reading don't read into it. I have something weird going on where talking is healing to me, but I have to have the intent of healing someone else, or talking about some existential truth, not just the intent of healing for me. What's up with that?

Oh God no! People can channel some pretty deep stuff but not live it, especially not immediately. I don't think that's failure, in fact I think it's kind of beautiful. Real wisdom can't be used as a standard to hold oneself or anyone else to, it's kind of already everywhere and free to anyone. The perfection of humanity is in the imperfections.

Women most certainly do the test drive thing too. Sometimes to see how caring/selfish a guy is when his guard is down. Some people have personalities where they want their relationships to be for life, they are highly sensitive that way. Sex means nothing to some and it's a really big deal to others. Do what feels right for you and forget what other people think is good or bad.

Nah, it's all about the clothing. His Jesus Santa sweater is epic. Also I've noticed the real masters wear a lot of pink and purple, lots of lavender. And have you seen Osho's nails? OMG.

Narcissus was self realized. He fell in love with him Self by self reflecting and Self Love. And turned into a flower. Spiritual master or crazy fool? Both, neither? You decide.

@Evil Raccoon Just going from what I've seen here but, I'm pretty sure your natural talents lie in the comedy/funny guy route rather than the act like an asshole route. You could do both, but might be hard to pull off, I dunno.

So I've been whimsical AF lately. I ripped off this weird closet door that I was going to paint white. It's cut at an angle so it looks cool anyway. I ordered a vintage lion door pull and stained the whole thing really dark colored last night. I'm going paint trees on it after I poly it and add in a subtle partially hidden owl and a moon on it. I got an antique gingerbread pendulum clock really cheap off ebay. I've wanted one forever. The seller didn't know if it would run or not. It came in a Frankenstein box taped together with brown tape everywhere and shipped in old newspapers and an old bath towel from a Florida retirement home. I took it out and it immediately starts going really fast, and even gongs on the hour. The very top wooden decoration part is broken off so I'm carving an owl at some point out of oak to replace it with. And at some point learning about the mechanisms of antique clocks. At the top is the loves me, loves me not daisy. And on the glass door there are gold butterflies. It's so fantastically creepy and beautiful. I like to imagine that antique things and old houses are full of their own ephemeral life and spirit, like I like to imagine that myself and others are too. It's all completely groundless. Timeless.

Ok, yes, so you accept it, you let it be. Where's the suffering in that?

Communication, money and creativity are all things that are intensely powerful, yet when questioned and looked for, are found to be intangible, non-existent. LOA manifestation and renunciation actually work seamlessly together for this very reason. We think there is something behind the communication, something holding up and deciding the value of the money, and someone behind the creativity. There isn't. I've realized I really want to improve my communication, and that my creativity is my communication. I've also realized that communication is a duality, that there are not two communicating. So to improve my communication, I need to stop imagining that there are two which isn't how it sounds and points more toward blockages in myself. Mostly, concerns of others judging me, when the judgement is only and actually coming from myself. I'm hoping to circumvent the self judgment around making my videos by understanding that that uncomfortable energy is really a desire for better communication. I've also been really enjoying my business having recently healed my problem of finding it meaningless. It seems to beautifully connect with everything I'm creating and I found this incredibly source of inspiration that ties together so many things I've been wanting. Surprise, surprise, there's no conflict. I do feel that there is at times. I feel incredibly frustrated with my kids and just want to have uninterpreted blocks of time to focus so bad. My days are a dream, I'm surrounded by so many things I love that I even come in and freak out because it's overwhelming. Funny when examined, not so funny when you're in "do" mode. The past couple nights I've had a "oh shit I'm not here and there's just this" feeling. It comes up frequently in the day too. The feeling only comes because there's someone realizing there's no ground and feeling like they have substance and are free falling. It's another funny thing when examined, because it's always been like this. Or else I could say, there's no always and it's never been quite like this ever before.

No one decides anything. Even when they think they do. That's the flawed assumption at the core, that there's someone there to decide, Someone here. For there to be a spectrum or a movement of back and forth on any scale, and we're talking about the pain/pleasure scale, there has to be someone or some point of reference that focuses on and experiences the different polarities of the scale. With the arising of a someone as a point of reference comes the arising of wanted and unwanted. It's possible to go through life seeing this and maintaining your preferences for pleasure, playing the game of duality, all the while understanding that the entire purpose of the game is free sheer creation and love, that the illusion of the point of reference of self is not what everything hinges on. Physical pain is a useful sensation and it HURTS, psychological suffering that layers on top of physical pain and cast fault and blame and should and shouldn't haves is the real suffering that spirituality seeks to exorcise.

Study and read about hedonic adaptation. Watch it play out in yourself. I've done migrant labor type work, and you get so sore and exhausted out in the fields all day, about day three you're muscles are about giving out and you're MISERABLE. You hit a low and then you come out of it. Nothing teaches this so well as hard physical labor in my opinion. Taking a shower and having a meal after a hard day of work is one of the most pleasurable things you'll ever experience. You don't have to even try to let go of the thoughts because the exhaustion does it for you. Start running long distances, the same thing happens. Suffering requires a point of reference. You are that point of reference. It's not real, it's whatever you decide it to be.

Being open-minded means you're open to see why things you think are inherently bad, misfortunate or boring are serving a greater whole... or rather are unconditional Love. If you assume that there is a "you" then you wonder why things aren't going "your" way, the problem is in what you believe you are. If you make the false assumption of there being a real you, all other assumptions relative to it will be based on a false point of reference.