mandyjw

I started choking on my breakfast this morning, food went down the wrong pipe. My dog got up from sleeping, disturbed and worried about me. My son with mild autism, brought his video game up to me to show me something as I'm coughing and running to get water, completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn't at all receptive right then. My daughter is his polar opposite, very emotional and connected with others. Yesterday was her first bus ride and she forgot her backpack. She is such a brave, confident, outgoing kid. But the terror in her face when I mentioned it was so strong it hit me hard. I immediately told her I'd call the school and it was completely ok. My son wouldn't have given a care in the world. He IS an incredibly loving, sweet caring boy, but just not in the same way she is. And I have through my inherent unconditional love for my kids realized that all our brains are just wired to focus on different things differently, through no fault of our own. I had a few weird realizations or something today. My son was asking me a bunch of questions, and we often talk about "secrets of the universe" and I've talked about manifestation and Jesus and Dr.P with him. Today we had a conversation where I was trying to get him to transcend stage green, he noticed oil in the river and we talked about how it got there and his response was to want God to kill people who don't care about the environment. I explained that love is so total, you're free not to love. Then later he asked about some poem about "big things have small beginnings" and the big bang. Then all these sort of profound but obvious connections were made about a lot of things I've been contemplating lately. Then while running I thought about my "personal relationship" with the devil in the past. And I realized that I imagined him as the very thing that would cause me to suffer. But it was so real and terrifying, I could never have deduced this, that the whole storyline was fed to me, apparently by others and several adults who were supposed to care about me more than anyone else, and I seemingly felt it and believed it hook, line and sinker. They could live with it but I could not. "Promise your soul to the devil" said my mind. "A mental illness I have", I said. I knew as a teenager I couldn't continue my spirituality without dropping the idea of others going to hell, so I did. Then when I did realize that I created the devil, instead of suffering I instead experienced the most intense prolonged experience of bliss I could never have imagined. Not in fact, suffering. So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. ... Well here I am. You fed me a story and I ate it all up. Cleaned the plate off too. What's for dessert?

@Keyhole P.S, I've made and sold hundreds of thousands of dollars of art made with a complete beginner level, novice piece of equipment that cost me about $45. Almost no one else believed that was possible but there were some strange technical advantages to it that others couldn't see or appreciate in their pursuit of bigger and better. Don't let anything limit you.

@Keyhole No, I was writing with a general "you", your comment about art in this light of the topic direction this thread is heading in just sparked the thought. Lately I've been studying some famous artists and noticing how their work and the image they create of themselves are a seamless, not separate thing, realizing that I really want to create that, and realizing that it takes enormous balls to do so. Also realizing how this fits in with attraction because when someone is completely and totally themselves, unapologetically, that's attractive as hell because that's also what we wish to integrate and embody. Also, we don't actually want to sleep with picture perfect nondescript people deep down, I don't believe that as much as we like to look at them and emulate them. We want real people who love their own "ugly" unique attributes so much they make it the most rare and striking kind of beauty that is. We want art that's made for us. We want art that's daring, striking, even a little bit ugly, that makes us think. We don't really want what's mainstream. Thomas Kinkade is marketable and won't piss off your mother-in-law but gets boring really quickly.

I'm starting to learn that your art and the way you imagine yourself, present yourself and market that art is all one movement. If you think one part is more important than the other it's, because you're devaluing some part of it, resisting some part of yourself. If you build a mansion on sand, you're not wise. If you build a shack that only meets the most basic practical needs on top of the strongest foundation ever built, you're also not wise. The art is the artist, the artist is the art.

@DrewNows Yep, shame never gets anyone anywhere. People continually shame others for being racist and wonder why that doesn't work and racism still exists. I think we need to start shaming people for shaming people. I'm sure that will do it.

@DrewNows yeah, you can only inspire and empower someone to make better choices, you can't shame them for it. It's like telling someone who doesn't know how to cook and doesn't have any pans or a stove that they are fat and to just fucking stop eating fast food already. You can'y inspire or empower if you're not OK with where they are and you need them to be something different for you. The inspiration and empowerment comes from within them. Complete love and acceptance of how things are is radical change itself.

Insight is perspectival. If someone believes they are inferior to Jesus Christ all their life, the realization that they are better than might be the antidote to that belief, as crazy as it sounds to other people's logical minds. Even the most seemingly powerful insights often don't translate well to others.

@Johnny5 Well, in order for it to be masturbation, you have to be... alone. That's why Rick Astley. Oh God. This devolved fast.

It's not easy psychologically to let anyone else support you, it most definitely is not easy for more driven, independent or cautious personality types anyway. Even when that's the best route to go and in everyone's interest for whatever reason, switching careers, raising children, etc. We are a society that mostly bases our self worth on the things we do and the monetary worth the society places on those things.

@Johnny5 Awesome, I LOVE arguing!

@Johnny5 Of course you can. Alone is the deepest duality. It only exists for drama and pleasure. If I'm not alone, there's no Rick Astley. If there's no possibility of giving something up, there's no Rick Astley singing "I'm never gonna give you up". Letting go is an act of utter, total inclusiveness. There's no one to be alone. You're never alone. But isn't that somewhat horrifying?

Eh, well the path is or was whatever I imagine it to be, now. But right now I say, if I can't take Rick Astley with me, I ain't going.

Drugs meet a deep human need in life, the need to feel alive. If we have created a society that values safety, respectability, accumulated wealth and material growth, and have neglected the deep spiritual power and connection it's all based on, drugs will be go-to the material bridge to get there. People are not conscious of this need. Either they buy in and repress the need, or they rebel and they see drugs as the only way through to get this need met.

AHH!!! I just made this beautiful video highlighting my failure and how fast the law of attraction bounces back, with a whole bunch of different sections. And I overwrote the one that it all hinges on, on the camera card. And I should be really upset. I spent two days working super hard on it. But I'm not. Mysteriously not upset. I don't know the difference between failure and success anymore. I don't know the difference between conscious and unconscious. I don't know why I ever thought I wanted to live in a world where I know that other people suffer, yet I do not. I didn't think.

If I wanna be somebody's sugar Mamma what's that to you, none of yer business, that's what.

At least she knew she was faking her identity. I think we're all deeply afraid of being found out.

I created such a beautiful world.

Always wondered why my bouts of chronic pain is almost always on the left side of my body. "The left side of the brain is responsible for controlling the right side of the body. It also performs tasks that have to do with logic, such as in science and mathematics. On the other hand, the right hemisphere coordinates the left side of the body, and performs tasks that have do with creativity and the arts." So the left side of my body is controlled by the creative side of my mind, the opposite side, controls it? That's just too fucking cool.

Touche' youtube suggestions, I should never have doubted you. Synchronicity. Damn. You know, maybe now I could love any face on the planet, maybe, except I still don't want to face my own and edit that youtube video.

My youtube suggestions after all the searches this morning be like... "what the fuck you expect from me, girl"?

Last night I read a chapter, "Ramona the Nuisance" in "Ramona Age 8" to my son, and started crying by the end. The development of the empathy and felt responsibility for all other's feelings in Ramona so mirrored what has come up lately for myself. nuisance (n.) c. 1400, "injury, hurt, harm," from Anglo-French nusaunce, Old French nuisance "harm, wrong, damage," from past-participle stem of nuire "to harm," from Latin nocere "to hurt" (from PIE root *nek- (1) "death"). Sense has softened over time, to "anything obnoxious to a community" (bad smells, pests, eyesores)

Floor has gone out from underneath me. Marilyn Manson's androgyny reminded me of this person who I saw years ago on TV in a "Freak Show" thing or something. I remember being completely stunned by this strange attraction that just arose, when everything I imagined myself to be would not be attracted by rather completely repulsed by this person and his art. And look at the youtube videos he is making now.

Oh. My. God. This is too rich. I am gone.