mandyjw

@GoingHome My parents love Richard Roar. There are a lot of great bridges to open the mind from Christianity. The book "The Shack" is another one.

The grass is always greener.

Well, if you're tuning in enough to notice that they don't understand you, and you notice that it's creating problems your mind is still working. Can you take some time to yourself? It also helps to record yourself talking, or journal to get thoughts and insights out, then the need to share them with other who aren't open to them doesn't arise as much.

I'm all about appearances and artifice.

Thoughts and beliefs that shoot down and criticize your own creation, (your apparent self, apparent others and dreams and desires) are what keep you from creating it. Constructive criticism is always welcome though.

Healing is creating. Creating is healing. It seems we want to heal so we can create, but one does not precede the other.

Our society is very separate, and independence is overly valued. Our family structures are basically all about the immediate family only, there's no real extended community or family available. This causes isolation with lots of groups of people. Teenagers are left alone with no mentors. In the past they'd be learning a trade or hardly ever alone when their parents worked. That's not true today. This affects their ability to interact with people, only if hurts boys far more than it hurts girls. Most girls naturally know how to relate to people because of how their brains are wired, but we don't see this type of connection as a necessary skill, so we don't teach boys the skills they need to learn it in school. The problem doesn't even come up until they try to find a partner. It's a complete oversight by society. We need to go back towards having tighter communities, larger extended families, or else we need to change our education system completely.

Well, that's why there was a MeToo movement.

The body knows that your mind is a burden but it loves you so much it doesn't say anything about it all. Your mind on the other hand doesn't shut up. So do some stuff that tricks your mind into listening to the body for change.

@trenton In a way they really aren't true. We never remember things quite correctly, even if we are being completely honest with ourselves. What you really want to do is to focus your attention forward on what you want with your life, now. Was there a desire born out of those memories that hurt so much? Is there an inspiring roadmap for how you want to interact with others and face life in the future that is waiting to be drawn out? Take the lessons and the inspiration, make amends if you feel the desire to, and focus forward on what you want. If you can't examine them without too much pain now, focus on something else, something that feels good. Focusing on whether distancing yourself from the memory is right or wrong, actually is only strengthening the memory and the focus on the past. You really want to determine what you want now, and focus on that. If you put your mind to work on figuring out what you want and let go of the memories and self judgement, if there's a lesson from the past memories that is key to getting you to what you want or to be the self you envision yourself to be, it will be shown to you clearly. You don't need to do anything about it, and you can't, that's why it feels so bad to try. What you can do is figure out what you want, and focus on what feels good. Self care is important when you feel the weight of guilt. Make a list of things that raise your mood or things that feel good to you to do. Maybe they are things you haven't thought about in a long time, an old favorite song, an old web comic you used to love, or some thing you've been wanting to do forever but haven't bothered to looking into making a reality. Make it a point to pick 2 or 3 things from that list and do them everyday until self care becomes a habit.

Well there's no duality, so truth and false are a duality, they rely on having an opposite to exist within the mind. Outside the mind there is no love or hate, just Love. There's no truth/false, just Love. The love of truth is a powerful thing, because truth is equal to and the same as Love. Love is neither real nor unreal, neither true or false. So being afraid of lies and trying to avoid what's false will never get you Truth, but the love of it will.

Go experience it. Take a warm bath, go swim in a cold lake and see how the body reacts, do some yoga, go for a run, walk barefoot in forest moss.

Write out a letter to her saying everything you want to say. Cry, scream, swear. Burn it. Or send it if you have to, but probably not. It's likely that there are a few things you write that you might want to actually say or write to her latter. I have a theory that the people who cause us the most pain are the ones who we mutually grow from the most or the fastest. It's like we made some sort of agreement before we came here that we'd help each other align to love in a powerful, dramatic way. If you can't live with em' and can't live without em' you know life is calling you to grow and change. But here's the thing, you have to be willing to communicate and have difficult conversations. It also helps to ask, what do you really want from your mother? What do you really want the relationship to be? Is it possible that while on the surface it may not look ANYTHING like that, that the undercurrent of love is still always there, unbroken? Can you tap into that love that is impersonal and prior to everything else?

I never really appreciated what a beautiful word universe is. uni- one verse- writing arranged with a metrical rhythm, typically having a rhyme. 1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. My son keeps asking who first invented words, which we can't give a good answer to, and just now said he thinks he knows how. He said that people said the word as they did it. And I said "like talk?" and smiled. And he said "dance" and started dancing.

GODDAMN IT. The Ferrari is my journal. Tarot, cards should I really let go of my journal? The Hermit. Fuck.

@Nahm The day may be coming, I know. But really if no one gives a fuck, why not? Some mansplain, others tell stories. Have a Ferrari I can trash?

@Nahm Brilliant.

I did it hardcore a few years ago. Felt great for a short time then felt weird on it, and then later developed major digestive issues. I still can't eat beans and lentils without stomach problems today. Cheat day doesn't help with stomach issues and can psychologically really frig up your eating. My blood pressure was really high because when you cut carbs like that you inadvertently end up with high amounts of salt, especially with the recommended foods on the diet. It did teach me a lot though, I learned a huge amount of self discipline from following it and how important protein is in the mornings, and how effective simple carbs are at making you hungry. I eat lots of fruit, whole grain carbs and get plenty of protein now and I'm thinner than I ever got on the slow carb diet, all while using WAY less willpower. Says fructose is the devil, is most easily stored as fat and it ages you.

@Loving Radiance I really don't think they've ever thought about it before.

Just by telling them what I honestly think. I said love wasn't something you think or do or something like that, love just is like the light of the sun it falls on everyone, so she sort of accused me of not loving my daughter. Funny you should ask, cause last night I had a 3AM revelation about that very subject. You have to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations I guess. They don't usually come across people who are willing to. I also said I thought that it was really brave to have the commitment to go door to door like that for something they really believed in, because honestly I can't imagine doing that.

Buy some metal straws, no more teeth staining.

After weeks and weeks of feeling great, I started feeling really energetically off and uncomfortable a few days ago. This intense sense of loneliness set in. My youtube video terrorized me, I hated myself and could barely stand to see my face or hear my voice. Yesterday I didn't even meditate, and the weird thing about the day was that most of was spent in "the vortex" even though parts were really difficult. I sent @Nahm a message about something unrelated, who I've been sort of pissed at for weeks but known it's all my own shit so said nothing, then that turned into that coming out and flying back in my face, literally in bizarre synchronicity and my smoke screen which fooled even me didn't work. I've seen him mention that he makes a great punching bag before, I never knew how literally. My daughter reactively punched me hard in the face when I was putting on her swimsuit because I pulled her hair, she's never done that before. My glasses went flying across the room. I went swimming, in very cold water, kids screaming cause one tripped on her own and blamed her brother, storm cloud approaching, I didn't care and felt amazing. I ordered my dog a lion mane for Halloween and it looks like the most hilarious/realistic thing and laughed and laughed and laughed. The later the day went on the more I got confused and felt worse. Yesterday morning, I was doing word play in another thread and wrote. con fuse "The adjective comes from confuse, which has a Latin root, confundere, "mingle together." Deeper into word origin, confusion (n.) c. 1300, confusioun, "overthrow, ruin," from Old French confusion "disorder, confusion, shame" (11c.) and directly from Latin confusionem (nominative confusio) "a mingling, mixing, blending; confusion, disorder," noun of action from past-participle stem of confundere "to pour together," also "to confuse" (see confound). I cannot express how fucking perfect that is. I realized that I couldn't not confuse, I couldn't rage against my confusion. I wanted to let go of my thoughts about Nahm and caring so much what he thinks of me and using my mental construct of him as a standard. Since then I don't think this applies just women, to be clear. Started the Tosha Silver book, and she talked about a book that we have in our house, that my daughter really likes. "Are you my Mother?" and how the meaning she read into it was that the entire universe is your mother. I had replied in a thread about prayer, then sort of automatically like old days prayed to Jesus to help me let go of Nahm and started laughing and laughing when I was actually praying to Jesus to help me let go of my imagination about someone, and realized that could never ever happen. I had tried to let go of Jesus. Some people you can never have and never get rid of. Ok, all people, real or fictional. So I went to bed and woke up at about 3AM with a rush of clarity. I can't explain or reiterate it all, but a ton of connections were made about loneliness and inherent disconnection, Jim Newman's pointer about connection being duality. About what a conscience was, and even the con science spelling of it, which is funny because I forgot how to spell it and really struggled spelling it just now. "Borrowed from Old French conscience, from Latin conscientia (“knowledge within oneself”), from consciens, present participle of conscire (“to know, to be conscious (of wrong)”), from com- (“together”) + scire (“to know”)." Sometimes it doesn't seem like there's anything within about my conscience at all. It feels like it's all projected out as caring what people think about me and projecting what i think would please or displease them. And that's what Nahm was pointing to in some of the sessions. That asshole. My need for an external God (so that I can be a psychological self) persists and takes on new forms. Almost? all my suffering stems from this conscious and unconscious caring what other people think. And the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, and how that fit into this realization of not caring and disconnection and love being an actuality and how we don't want to accept the beauty of that and instead sort of mentally slave for it. Then for some reason I remembered the end of the Blue Lagoon. Random. The scene with the poison berries. And I remembered how innocently and unexpectedly they become parents in that movie, how profound and mysterious it is that babies actually come from nothing, (the undoing of sex education here), and how dangerous the love of parents really is. Poison berries growing on an herbal healers grave, healers who punch you in the face. The cosmic joke. That was my other pain point, not wanting to be a mother. The exhaustion, the sense of loss of self which is actually a huge identification with self. The sense of requirement to always be loving, sweet, caring and giving that goes beyond my own children and how I see myself from form of an attempt at outside looking in sense of self. After this my husband woke up and I said nevermind to him, and the double meaning of nevermind hit me and I laughed and laughed. I tried to explain it to him, "it's like neverland, except nevermind" Then the dark meaning of Peter Pan and the Lost Children came to mind. I'm all children who ever were, and all their parents and neither of those things.

This book is really awesome. https://www.amazon.com/Outrageous-Openness-Letting-Divine-Take/dp/1476793484

@lmfao Truth is important to you? You love truth, or no?

This line was some sort of epiphany to me years ago "I'm still fighting for peace". Reminded me of my mother screaming at us "I just want some peace and QUIET!!!" and how funny it was that she yelled that. I think maybe though, I implied meaning that wasn't there. "You did not break me. I'm still fighting for peace." Broke. Broke. The word has come into my awareness so often lately. Broke my reality. Other synchronicity. Does this mean I'm a sinner, doing something stupid? Or does it mean I'm living my life purpose? Syntax just came into my mind, I can't remember how. sin tax. ? I'm still fighting for peace. I'm still for peace fighting I'm still And all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put the peaces back together again. Because it never broke.