PurpleTree

I think in one way it was always very important to me to give the impression that i'm well put together and that everything is alright at home as a kid with me, my mother and so on. And still to this day i'll kind of like to give that vibe that everything great and that i'm orderly even though i'm not. There's probably also a fear of someone finding out that everything isn't as great as i like to portray it or whatever

never had a satisfying, loving, stable relationship i've had sexual relationships that went on for months and months or maybe up to almost a yr i think i have a huge fear of getting hurt often the ones that are interested in a real relationship with me i'm not so much interested and the ones i'm really interested in, i just freeze or friendzone her or myself also a huge fear of getting into a relationship with the "wrong" woman i've bought supplements for probably thousands of $ most of them work for some time and then don't because of tolerance. and many of them interfere with my sleep which is the worst. many supps for fatigue give me anxiety as i'm prone to that. but i also have some keepers

that full moon was soo pretty and bright i've tried modafinil but never armodafinil

nah i just don't really care for those kind of "military heads" "you don't need sleep" "give me 1000 pushups" kind of guys i'd rather take advice from someone who had for example chronic fatigue and got out of it or from a more sensitive/creative person like me but thanks for trying to help

not really feeling the guy at all thanks, might look into that

i've tried therapy quite a few times. Didn't help a lot though. Maybe it was the wrong therapist not the right form of therapy or maybe i'm therapy resistant in some ways. Also tried medication ssri's and so on, had pro's and con's, stopped taking them before the exams though so that i could learn better. I might never really get my life together, as i have a chronic fatigue issue and it's not so easy to learn a new job with that. You're right there is a lot of shame. And i often do consider my presence as a burden. I'm working on that. Not sure if it's really working though. I don't consider myself a bad person at all. But still burdensome probably.

For me when i feel like i'm being "checked out" it's really strong. For example there was this woman with two friends on the train earlier. She looked at me a few times. Either she was checking me out or she was just looking around. But when i feel somebody is really looking at me or checking me out then i just feel this rush of toxic shame or whatever. Also when a group of people is sitting/standing somewhere and they're looking at me/checking me out when i walk by. Makes me feel anxiety/shame/stiff/adrenaline/don't know how to act which is soooo frustrating anybody else get that?

Do you often try to be thankful for things throughout the day. The feeling of gratitude is a really nice one. Is gratitude an antidote to fear? Any good sources to cultivate gratitude? For me i try to be thankful for small things like my plant, looking at a tree, the moon and so on. Listening to Joe Rogans episode with Jewel was really interesting imo, she talked about gratitude i think i'll listen to it again sometime soon-ish

I could probably avoid going there but that wouldn't be very smart right now imo. I'll just try to keep the convo to a minimum. Some people are just loonies. Threats mostly in terms of losing a job or some other issues. I'll probably also use a recorder if things go overboard.

Like you know it's going to be toxic. Could be a family gathering, christmas etc. a funeral could be work related how do you prepare if you're a sensitive person and know it's going to be difficult and you're going to be tested in some ways?

*it* probably doesn't want anything it just enjoys creating and see what happens

That would be really great. And great for you if you're not affected by it. But i'm sensitive to many things including others peoples feelings and so on. My emotional state is almost always affected in some ways. It's ever changing.

i don't think benny is on the same level as jordy or sammy well for me certainly he isn't, don't really see any value in listening to benny

they both dress nice imo, good sense of style

spira stutters though nobodys perfect

he was a teacher so it was probably important to get his point across in a way that students could clearly understand also he has a high iq apparently didn't safe him from getting addicted to silly old benzos though hihi j/k

it's just a word toxic is something that feels unhealthy probably

throwing shamans into jail brings bad karma

what to fight the hair loss or to lose the hair? what's funny is when i had awakenings/or near awakenings i came out of them playing with my hair first went through hell, then came bliss then i was pondering the universe while playing with my hair which was a lot of fun. now playing with my hair kind of reminds me of enlightenment and such

you can try vitamin d3 i don't think i react great to it though i also just thought this morning that i'm more relaxed in summer

do they pump you full with medication? never really been to the psych ward only once to visit somebody and been to a "day clinic" not forced though and you sleep at home there

no dmx was a rapper from new york

Rumi was a smart man

i do think a beautiful watch is like a piece of art

nice i think i'm going to try it