PurpleTree

Fear of abandonment fear of rejection fear of being ridiculed fear going crazy fear of my mothers death

Like repressed anger, shame, anxiety.

This moment is holy

Do i want to be respected or do i want to be free? Do i want to be respected by this specific person or do I want to be free? Do i want to be ready or do i want to be free? Do I want to be safe and protected or do i want to be free? Do i want to control how people view me or do I want to be free? Would i rather nobody ever laughs at me or would i rather be free? Do i want to have a pretty face or do I want to be free? Would i rather be suave and constricted or embarrassing and free? Would i rather be cool or would i rather be free?

I just want to be left alone ? by my ego ? noooo leave alone noooo ? go hihi

chipping away at my ego chip chip chip ???

What is this (constriction/the egoic structure) with it’s mechanisms shame, anxiety, constriction etc. trying to protect me from?

there’s nothing to wait for your so called « better » future will never come it doesn’t exist stop waiting for something Also There’s nothing to seek or find not in your mind not on your phone not on tinder not on google or forums just be if you seek you lose this even though it can’t be really lost

Rat rice is delicious

Let’s talk about it what are your thoughts on it?

I took laxative salts on my past few water fasts. They work but are very disgisting.

Don’t forget the laxatives

stop

I wouldn’t say it was no problem. Pychedelics always scare me. But so far good. Yea i’d like to try 150/200 but also it’s quite hard to find the perfect place honestly as it’s a long trip.

Nice. I also want to do a water fast soon. Maybe 5-6 days

candy flip seems also like a decent idea as i often get anxious on psychs

I’ve tried it a few times but highest dosage was like 130. But also i didn’t try to work on emotions.

Ok that‘s a new one so you boil the brew yourself and then you take drops of it? But there are two components, do you drink both? seems scary does that only work if you have a specific trauma like a war or rape or also if you just had a tough childhood or whatever? at what dosage?

it’s not personal there’s nothing personal

I’m easily annoyed and angry and i think it stems from repressed childhood anger. if anybody has a good idea or has overcome some old stored anger let a tree know.

Insane in the brain

You too why are you scared of psychedelics? Or maybe it was someone else

I wonder what the underlying belief/ assumption is for this for example an hour ago i felt good, saw two beautiful women, they seemed interested the way they started touching their hair and looked at me. Also they walked towards me and were whispering to each other. But my body and brain just shuts down with intense shame in these situations and blocks. has anybody overcome that?

Thanks for your post yea i look at it from at least two angles. one angle is the kind of let go and let god, everything is already perfect. This is how it’s supposed to be, nothing to seek or heal kind of thing. And the other angle is i’m still in ego, this shame block is unnecessary and so frustrating. Hot chicks are into me and i get blocked wtf. And there are things i can try more like somatic work, more psychedelics, more yoga, shadow work, inner child work, ask dumb questions on the forum etc etc etc etc etc etc No i just turned my head when they walked closer to me and walked away feeling the shame trying not to think, trying to fully accept the shame the thing is i can’t smile nor talk basically when i’min this “ptsd shame block” a cocky smile and cool sentence in this situation is impossible

Yea not so much now as i‘m doing inner consciousness work etc whatever and trying to be present but i would often be in lala land very much and deep as a child und untill whenever also i have high expectations of myself and others, i think it‘s a bit softening too but many triggers i can‘t escape