Realms of Wonder

This Journey will be one of pain, discovery, joy, disgust, overcoming, healing, Love, and at the core... Truth. Where to begin? My deepest fear, is to live my life, look back on it from my death bed, and know in my heart I lived a life of falsehood and lies, that I never discovered and created who I REALLY am. My deepest fear is to Live my whole life as someone I am not, to waste this gift of life, as a hollow husk of myself. But how does one become their self? How do I become who I am? Surely it cant be that complicated, surely I must know myself, because I am myself... Right? Maybe... Maybe not. I lived most of my life as a approval addicted people pleaser, it was how I survived through my childhood, and.. it worked! I survived. but at what cost? at the cost of my authentic personality, desires, likes and dislikes, and at the cost of my relationship with myself. At 18, in college, I came face to face with the horror of my inauthentic life that I had created. I was purposeless, I was scared, lost, alone, and most of all, without love of myself, or hope of life improving. At my lowest, I made a desperate move, to drop out of college and move back to California. I didn't know why at the time, but it felt right. at 19, I took 1P-LSD with my brother for the first time, and had a mystical experience, one that rocked me to my core, I realized that life was bigger, huge in fact. and that the potential of life was up to me. I soon forgot what I had seen, but was introduced to Leo with Actualized.org. That, plus LSD, then Mushrooms, 4-Aco-DMT, catapulted me into a realization. My life could be amazing, it could be more than those around me, I could create a life purpose for myself, I Could impact the world, I could Change. and that... lead me to my 20's. at 20, I realized I needed to move, why? because I wanted to grow, I Wanted to ever the umbilical cord from my family, I wanted to change. so I worked two jobs, saved up enough to move to Oregon. almost as soon as I arrived, I met a charismatic couple, that had a business offer for me, without trust in myself, and believing what they told me, I joined an MLM cult, (without realizing it of course.) I really tried to make it work for me, its a proven method, but it was not authentic. I could not do it. I worked a job full time, and went to meetings, I was working out at the time, making progress, but with a really toxic relationship with myself. at the time, trying to do too much at once, No fap and no porn, meditate, morning routine, read, work on my "business," work another job, then another to make enough to stay afloat. I would fall, get up, fall, get up, this yo-yo affect of extrinsic motivation, because I knew deep down, that this path was inauthentic. but I kept trying, and trying, all the way into 21. At 21, I realized that I could not stay with this "business" (cult,) it was taking its toll on me, mentally I felt so fragmented, and so inauthentic, It was like torture. so I built up the courage to say "I quit." When they asked "Why?" I said "because This path is not authentic to who I am" they asked "What are you going to do instead?" I said "I dont know yet, but it has to do with music, and impacting the world. and it will be MY authentic path, not someone else's." Soon after, I had a realization, that I had been trying to do everything at once, instead of one at a time. so I made a commitment to myself, "I will meditate once a day, for 90 days, then after that, add another habit, then another, and so on.." and so I did. and it WORKED! I stuck to it! after 90-100 days, I added Kriya yoga as a practice, which I did for over 4 months, until the frustration of not being able to do the ujjayi breath got to me, then I focused on humor practice, and so on. During this time, I also made a career change. I had mostly worked in kitchens as a cook up until the end of 2019, but I built a vision of working at Dutch Bros (a drive through coffee company with a strong culture) I followed through, and made it happen! I got hired! before I Started working there, I took my first Solo Retreat. 7 days, alone, no distractions. I faced myself like I had never done before, or since. it changed the entire course of my life, and gave me clarity I still benefit from today. And that lead me into 22. At 22, working a customer service job, serving mostly young people, I got first hand experience of what other people my age go through, what they are focused on, what they want, what they eat, how they talk, etc.. I became very judgmental, thinking I Was better then them, because I ate healthier or didn't drink or party, but I also alienated myself with that same motion. so over time I learned to love people as they are. which is something I still work on to this day. In February of 2020, right around my birthday, I decided to start producing music on Ableton live. I had been talking about it, how important music was for me, how I wanted it to be my future career, so I decided to finally start. Covid hit a month later, so I got even more time to work on it, in April and may, I started learning how to flirt with girls, being deficient in that area for most of my life, I started learning about attraction, and trying things out on the multitudes of girls I saw every day at my job. I got rejected some, but got some girls numbers, went on dates, even got laid and a girlfriend, she was beautiful, but a toxic influence on me, stage blue/orange, closed minded and judgmental. I learned a ton from her. We stayed together till right before I turned 23. I kept making music, now releasing it on SoundCloud. In January of 2021, I got Covid, and was isolated for 10 or so days, so I decided to turn it into a solo retreat, no phone or electronics, and also decided to water fast during that time. I gained clarity into my life, and from that, decided to break up with my girlfriend, but stayed fwb. and this leads me to 23. At 23, I realized that I wanted to earn more, so I got a second job, which became my full time job, and worked part time at the coffee shop, then... out of the blue, I was offered a job at the gym I worked out at, it all seemed so perfect! so I took the job, and quit both my other ones. I lasted 3 weeks before I quit. they were trying to force me to sell against my values, to manipulate people, and I got in trouble for the questions I was asking, so I quit! that same day I set up an interview with a summer camp in Pennsylvania, I had been a camp counselor in highschool and loved it, plus I wanted to get out of the state, and try something new. so I did, I worked in PA from 5/12/21-9/21/21, and what a fucking summer, I learned a lot, but I wont go into detail about it. on my return, I knew I wanted to take my music seriously (now having invested 1500 hours into it) so I started an Instagram page, and released my first song on Spotify. I got a job working in a kitchen, and moved back to Oregon. In January, I got Covid again, and took another solo retreat, gaining more clarity, which lead me to my current age (24) at 24, about a month ago. I decided to quit all social media (I was only on Instagram and YouTube) and move into a studio apartment. And so we arrive at the present. I tossed around the idea of not giving a backstory. and may delete it in the future, the focus of this thread is to show this journey, as it unfolds, not so much to show where I have been. but we shall see. Currently I am struggling. even though I have consistent habits (morning walking + 40oz water, 30-40 minutes meditation, 30-60 minutes music creation/practice, 30 minutes reading/study) I feel like I am treading water, not making progress. without distractions from Instagram and YouTube, I have been contemplating things a lot, and its been really uncomfortable, I have notepads all over my apartment with questions, questions, questions. Here I am, all of me, this is my path. I hope you see yourself in it, I hope this empowers you to take the next step. Much Love, Paul.

Most relaxing/exciting and fun is to Play/Create music, followed by meditation, reading, taking walks, going camping, hiking, facetiming my parents, friends or girlfriend, and watching select movies.

It seems to be a natural process on this path, big picture, yes I have been changing myself intentionally, however what we are pointing to has happened as a byproduct of that process, I can't think of a moment when I chose for these activities to become fun and relaxing, it just.. Happened

Will do It’s funny, I got trigger by it and didn’t notice. I’ve noticed something very similar in my own life, meditation, reading, going for walks, in the beginning these were.. work (for lack of better words) now these are some of the best moments! Relaxing and calming too.

I would stick 50-60% of it in diversified savings-Mutual and Bonds, to accrue interest. Quit my job, drop out of school. Buy myself a reliable car, (current one falling apart ) rent a house in the mountains, next to a river, in the forest, 15-20 minutes from a decent sized city (100-200k population) Build a high quality music studio with all the equipment and technology I would need to produce the best music possible. Pay for lessons, voice, Live performance, piano, etc.. Budget so the 400-500K I have out of assets will last 8-10 years. Devote my time to playing and building music, deep work, focused and concentrated. Pay for Life coaching and career coaching. Travel and meet musicians all over the world, recording new sounds and songs that the world has never heard before. Dedicate this 5-10 years to solidifying my Life purpose of Playing music, Guiding people into breakthroughs of Love, by articulating reality. I would perform live, starting small, and over the years building a loyal, true fan base of 100s, then 1000's, then millions of people. Devote time to building an authentic Brand, on Social media, with a website, with my music. Strategizing content creation and release, building relationships with fans. I would spend more time with the people I love, my parents are old, in their 60's and 70's, I would invest more time with them, siblings too. Go to concerts, Coldplay, Tycho, Odesza, AK, The Midnight, and more, to yes, experience them, but more to do research of how I want my own concerts to feel and go in the future. Over the years, because of the massive value created from the music I give to the world, and the life changing effect it has on the listeners, money would begin pouring in, eventually earning more than what I have left over from the original million. In 5-15 years, after going through the full phase of life purpose, achieving, and developing through orange/green, Green/Yellow, I would develop myself into the "Strategist/autonomous" stage, stage yellow systems thinker, devoting more and more time to spirituality, sourcing 5MEO (DMT and MALT, and others) Investing more time into... Meditation Self-Inquiry Psychedelics Beyond that.. we shall see This is essentially the path I am taking, whether or not I get a million dollars or not, it will take longer, and be harder, more a challenge, but it is my path, worth it

YES! Love it.

Song #6 Wiser/Where are We Going? https://drive.google.com/file/d/12rHEFi08gPfZJo9uh_-iPwA9fiLXNHbS/view?usp=sharing This song is the first I had sung in, I remember my heart beating faster as I lay in a hammock, thinking about music and my life. Because the main melody came into the mind with the lyrics, I sung them, with excitement pulled out my phone to voice record it, after that I rushed up to my studio an started the work. Over a year later, after forgetting about it, I stumbled across it, nearly finished, and decided to complete it, its not structure in a conventional way, and I love it This song is about our journey, what we go through in life, and what life is trying to show us, its about becoming wiser, and realizing that if we are going anywhere, why not enjoy where we are now. it brings to mind questions such as "Where am I going?" "Why am I doing this at all?" "If I am not present with Now, how can I enjoy life?" Listen deep.

Should? @BipolarGrowth

Thoughts.. "Wow this is a very engaging haircut tutorial.." In all seriousness though, the lighting is superb, watching this is oddly suspenseful and mentally stimulating. While seeing it unfold, my mind was trying to see "What actually changed?" Obviously the hair is different, but did anything of this beings essence really change? I also related to your experience, having had long hair, and cut it, and shaved it all off, its a.. liberating experience, to me it shows the fluidity of identity, it seems so obvious that the hair is not what I am, look at it.. its all over the floor, is that really me?

New song (lyrics) Heart That's Full of Love. Verse1 I don’t have to have All of the answers To help you to feel I don’t need to be The man that I'll be In ten years now I don’t need to fake Love in my being To guide you to heal Everything comes clear in moments stillness All alone with this life Chorus 1 Cuz where I am is who I'm s'posed to be And what I see is more than enough for me And who I am is all I'd ever need And all I'd need to give, is a heart that’s made of love. Verse 2 It's okay to be, an unfinished project With room to improve On the path you'll see So many that tried Without the love for their self We don’t need to be Anything other Than what I am today To share all the love That we have inside To that which is, to who we are Chorus 2 Cuz where we am is who we're s'posed to be And what we see is more than enough to be And who we am is all we'd ever need And all we'd need to give, is a heart that’s made of love.

Still holding strong with these decisions. Massage therapy school starts in 24 days! Very excited to begin. Have been eating cleanly (No added sugars, gluten, dairy, fried or junk food) for 48 days now. I feel amazing, still having dips in energy here and there when I over consume carbs, but no judgement, excited to carry this awesome lifestyle change with me into this 15 month marathon of working fulltime, and fulltime school!

Song #5 Sing Music: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T_4eIRej8_Asxp4Xsuu01IktxYbIZGrz/view?usp=sharing This song is held dear to my heart. It started as just the sample of the rainforest, the instrumental blossomed from there. Armed with new understanding from the book "The Music Lesson" by Victor Wooten, I was experimenting and loving it. The opening vocal phrase "Sing music" came to me while I was tripping on DMT, originally it was "Sing music, sing music to your friends, sing music to those who dont know they need love." And it evolved from there. Enjoy this sonic portrait of my mind, This is Love, this is Music

learning to be, more and more. I feel so much deeper than I did 5 years ago, less judgement as well.

A Visionary with a life purpose, an impact he is passionate about creating in his life, he works, puts effort towards this, as it is his highest priority. this man lives by his own core values, he understands himself and what he wants, in his life, and with his women/partner. He is willing and able to cut ties with those who would drag him down, are toxic, dont have a purpose in their life, etc.. (negative/toxic influences.) A truly high quality man values spirituality, a deep connection with himself, and reality as a whole, he is sexually whole, open and free, meaning he has integrated/healed his hangups and repressed sexuality. there's a lot more, but this is what comes to mind.

'Muse'ic

47 days without sugars/added sweeteners (aside from stevia and light amounts of agave,) still eating fruit, but noticeable changes. keep it up! You will find a balance that works for you.

I love this, Most pop songs dont catch my attention, this is different.

"The Call" https://drive.google.com/file/d/11HTNGqZc-79e13UAO9EZBS5vVUbwxFn9/view?usp=sharing

Talking about Andrew Tate on this forum is like putting a taco bell, Crunch wrap supreme inside of an organic farm grown salad.

What about socializing, connecting, and conversation, can you get excited about?

Optimism + Action. You are 21! there are a lot of things to be excited about in your future.

here are three prior threads about him in the last three weeks.

Could be wrong here, but it seems to black and white. Expanding this out beyond just people and getting scammed, there's literally zero guarantees in life, at all... why always expect the worst? Imagine approaching every situation expecting the worst? Imagine approaching each situation with caution when necessary, yes, and deep trust of self and intuition, would there be a difference?

Why?

No roast, been there, I remember a similar situation, I was buying an apple watch off of Offerup, right from the get go it seemed too goo to be true, but I didn't listen to my gut, ended up paying around 130$ before realizing what was going on. Also, a different kind of scam, Got involved in an MLM (Amway) at 19, was in for 9 months, why? I didn't trust myself, I let myself be manipulated and definitely lost way over 2k from that, though many lessons were learned. What specific lessons did you learn?