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@evgn Did you talk to her in person a bit or just straight sent out a request on IG?

This is what scares you the most. If you were able to handle these people with force you'd be able to deescalate and let it slip. Now you let it go but feel like a loser.

@ted73104 Thanks for taking the time, your message hit deep. To be honest, I've been thinking of myself as being "good" all my life. I even forced myself to not think any "impure" thoughts or swear words, that's how deep I was. So declaring that I've become a good person isn't gonna cut it for me. Trying to be a good person has only made life worse. @StarStruck Can you elaborate on the primal urges? How did you handle this? Some time ago I've been so low I was considering going to the front to get some relief. I'm not sure if you can relate on that. @Thought Art I forgive your ignorance. @Bazooka Jesus Thanks for the book recommendation. Did you manage to get this "energy" under control? And yes, I'm in IFS therapy (@Carl-Richard ). I don't even feel bad anymore about inflicting damage to people (huge relief), I just want to get rid of this for my own sake, it's unbearable at times. But I do gotta say I need to find healthier ways to channel this current without suppressing it. @Yimpa This one would make life easier, been working on finding a life purpose but I really have no idea on how to go about it with zero motivation. I don't really care about much anymore. I don't have any values, except surviving. It would be nice to have some people around, I'm now more isolated than back in the days. I don't know what it's like to have people around who care about my wellbeing. This one is fucking hard to even admit tbh. @Raze Thanks. @TheCloud It feels easier to just go about life, otherwise I would have already done one of the two. I've taken so many shots trying to communicate to them things that weren't even close to the root cause of my trauma and they lash out. There's no point in seeing them other than kids in adult bodies, it's quite disturbing. I've done non-violent communication trainings during civil service but there's only so many people your communication can reach this way. Thanks for the feelings inventory, this is really interesting. @thierry "Lots of people do not have an idea of what it is like to be torn up by rage from the inside." Yep, and it scares the shit out of people when you're letting them in on what's going on inside. But then again, most are blessed with ignorance. I do extreme sports, so yeah I can get a lot out of that high. I wish I had a loving girlfriend, just right now I can't tolerate women's stupid dramas or invest any energy into finding a girl, hard enough to build up a circle of friends. Plus I don't feel like a safe human being at the moment. As to medicine, I'm getting off weed now because it has become a crutch and I'm not too fond on trying anything else...possibly psilocybin at one point.

Yeah. I'm still working on coming to terms with this, it's a long and slow process but getting better. Appreciate the words 🙏

@Inliytened1 Lots of research into the history of the group. It took two years until I finally came to terms that I'm in a cult and my life has been a lie, then the suffering got too much. It's been eight years now and I haven't fully broken free, there are still big shadows I'm not aware of.

I grew up in a cult. I wish I didn't know how deep this goes...

Letting go the concept of hell is like letting go the concept of physical pain. Just stab yourself and let go, it's a belief and you can confirm for yourself you won't suffer. But of course his alarm bells will ring. That's how hard it is to let go of a belief.

What if you've been brought up to pretend? In fact, all you ever knew was pretending? How could this then be recognised as ignorance?

Wish more people realised this.

Good! Meanwhile Switzerland is still testing its effects 🤦🏼‍♂️

Answering yes or no will not mean anything to you because your experience with women has led you to adapt toxic views about them and they're getting confirmed over and over. Your focus is too much on women's behaviour and not enough on yourself. Find a way to get in a playful, non-attached state – with or without women around, doesn't matter...but make this your priority to create some space in your head.

First off I congratulate you for asking such a bold question and taking responsibility for your own personal faith. What might help you is learning about different religions. See the structure of religions and how they all play with the same existential fear. It's what keeps believers together. You might have heard there is no fear in love. You're scared because your religion is not loving. How did you get into Catholicism?

These monks are just flexing. Don't be one of those gigachads.

You don't understand how cults work...

@universe Tbh, I was in a pretty bad state – and ironically, didn't put much thought into my response

@Thewritersunion This. But then again, some things you can only make happen when you let go of other things. If dating stresses you out to the point you feel stuck sometimes the counter intuitive move is to focus on other aspects of life, at least until your inner state is more aligned with what you want. For now it sounds as if on one hand you don't want to date, while on the other you do. There's an inner conflict you can't solve with more dating imo. Ask yourself this: what's the worst thing that can happen to you if you take a break with dating? And what's the worst that can happen if you keep dating? The key is getting clear about what YOU want today.

@bebotalk This is what I noticed when making calls in English, people use your first name, no clue why. I thought it was refreshing, given how private and formal everyone is over here.

Remind yourself that not only the heart needs to say yes, but also the head...otherwise you'll get yourself into a mess (it's unwise to ignore your gut feeling and you probably are aware of that). On another note I was surprised France's age of consent is 15, over here it's 16, which is still way too young in my opinion.

It depends on the "level" of entitlement: You have the right to want and wish for things. The way a person reacts to getting or not getting them will give a clue whether their entitlement is narcissistic, healthy, or too meek.

Exactly. Yeah people live in their bubbles, they repulse me too but it's not healthy for me.

What a woman says means absolutely nothing as you just saw. It only ever applies to the present moment. Don't look at what a woman says, look at her actions.

This is basically all I see over here. Ugly ass mullet wokies with hot girlfriends. It doesn't matter what you're fighting for, as long as you have a mission women will think you're important and then chase you. Women don't think as deep about what they get themselves into, they're unconsciously steered by their emotions, which is why it's so easy to manipulate them.

Since you're asking about her on a forum you've already lost unfortunately.

@ted73104 Most of the time I suppress them to get through the day. But I've started to welcome conflict, it's a big relief to unleash all the darkness on others...kinda fun to see how most people are just barking dogs. If I fully wanted to let it all out I'd need some serious gear, but I'm not gonna go down that road. @puporing I don't even want to awaken, it has only brought nothing but shit in my life. Life ist just endless suffering/awakening/suffering/letting go/suffering/getting knowcked on the ground/suffering/isolation. I'm starting to think the path to awakening is just one big hoax, so far it has done absolutely nothing for me or my personal direct experience. Worked my ass off for nothing again.

@Giulio Bevilacqua Will look into it, thanks. @puporing Thank you. Yeah, maybe way more. They told me I'm not part of their family anymore when I got out this group years ago, it's similar to mormons and JW. I just can't mentally cope with cutting off even more people right now, it seems to never end. I've been working my ass off the past seven years, worked on building social circles, friendships, relationships only to feel more isolated, lonely and depressed than ever today. Life so far wasn't worth it at all. I've pretty much watched all the dark triad videos, they helped with some other situations I got myself in. @Ajay0 The present moment hasn't been worth it so far tbh. I can access it way better these days, it just never actually pays off. Maybe in several decades or whatever. I can't meditate the classic way, I was was made to pray in tongues every day for many years. I usually smoke weed and contemplate. Plus I'm doing IFS sessions with a therapist regularly. @Yousif Switzerland is a shit hole. People only know how to work and burn out. Sex isn't really doing much, sometimes for a little bit but gets old fast after a while, plus I can't just get it whenever I need currently. Only way to channel my anger is doing extreme sports where I'm closest to death. I know it sounds fucked up. @Buck Edwards Thanks bro, I appreciate your offer. It's difficult being kind with myself.