meta_male

"You have no game." – NoSelfSelf

It's a matter of perspective. For some guy going on a date feels impossible. And someone else reading this is probably thinking: I can’t even say I’ve ever slept with a girl. There's always someone ahead and someone behind.

Looks obviously do matter, but they're not fixed. It's more nuanced than that. You get a "base look", but what really matters is what you do with it. Grooming, fitness, style, confidence and status can change how you look to others.

What does that actually mean? Are you talking about individual self defense or some kind of resistance? Against trained forces with intelligence, logistics, drones, vehicles etc. How would this realistically play out without you ending up dead or imprisoned?

You can't know whether you're wasting time by analyzing how often she texts, smiles or waves. The only way to find out is by setting a date (day, place, time) and then if you like her you kiss her. You don't know if you're wasting time before that, it's speculation. Yeah that's one perspective. Another is that you're ahead of a lot of men because you're actually risking rejection instead of avoiding it. Don't measure yourself against someone else's timeline, just take the next step in front of you.

It looks like the guy in front of the car shot.

Hard to tell, since my beliefs changed multiple times over the past ten years, with IFS being part of the last two. It mainly shifted beliefs about myself. Yes, I had started identifying with being more emotional, soft and a victim of my past. Yeah, definitely increased my body awareness and my attention turned inwards. It also led to a lot of crying. In one session, suppressed anger surfaced all at once, more than my nervous system could integrate. What was your experience, if you don't mind?

Sparklers on champagne bottles set the ceiling panels on fire, which might explain why it spread so fast. Content warning (not graphic): eyewitness photo

I once tried to buy festival tickets...only had a one day pass, the rest was sold out. I was pretty desperate to get back in so I went looking online and bought the ticket from someone. Hours passed without receiving anything so in the meantime I went looking elsewhere and bought another one. Again, hours passed until I realised I got scammed. Twice. The shame was unreal. Desperation makes you easy to exploit.

I've had some experiences with IFS therapy, still go from time to time. Overall, it helped me gain clarity and understand my inner world better. At the same time, at one point for me, the work became destabilising and contributed to panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. I don't think this means it's "bad", but it shows me how important pacing and a skilled therapist is. It's definitely not lightweight in any sense, it's heavy work that can open up intense content.

Late to the party. I live with a constant underlying sadness, loneliness and deep attachment to love. 2026 marks ten years since my life changed completely and a long road to healing began. Instead of fading, emotions only get deeper and on most days it's hard not to lose hope that things will improve. Still, there's so much to realise and learn. Wishing everyone all the best for this year 🙏

You basically communicated: I don't know what I want with you and it may keep shifting. From what you wrote, there were real reasons for that. I wouldn't frame this as something to blame yourself for.

Why do you want to change that desire?

Sorry to hear. Yep it sucks. I found that avoidant people tend to suggest friendship after romance. It can't work in my opinion. If you can't build a relationship together then I guess friendship can't go that deep either. It's just a way to make the end softer.

In Switzerland emergency exits must open outward. This place had no emergency exit, only one main entrance door, which opened inward. The enfprcement of regulations is a cantonal responsibility, and unfortunately Crans-Montana is in Wallis, a canton known for putting more emphasis on personal responsibility than on strict regulations. The place should have never been given a license by authorities in the first place...

Heartbreaking. I was there two weeks ago. Crans-Montana was a big part of my childhood, this hits close. Only one door for a couple hundred people.

True love includes love for yourself. The question is not if you can live with her terms in some idealized future where you're more spiritually evolved. Can you live with them today, without clinging to any hope that things will turn around in your favor? Also, moving a relationship from lovers to just friends is often a big red flag for one's own development. It tends to keep you emotionally invested without reciprocity, basically working for free and wasting time that could be used for attracting a partner that's more aligned. For what's it's worth, saying this from fresh experience, happened to me today.

I’m starting to think what gets labeled as abundance is actually quite the opposite... a constant search for validation. It really depends on who you are and why you're dating multiple people. If it's fear management it won't be sustainable, if it's aligned with your values that's a different story. Personally, when I don't have any other options I struggle to sit with the uncertainty, cause there's nothing external to cling to. The real work is staying grounded without confirmation. Paradoxically, that's when real connections show up. One at a time.

This year I pushed myself harder with dating. Not doing mass approaches but still approaching, taking the lead on dates, doing all the planning. The result was rejection after rejection. And the few women who do show interest often don't follow through and flake, then randomly show up again. After several messy relationships and situationships my filter has sharpened. I'm not lowering the bar just to get between some woman's legs. Which leaves me here: high standards, almost no results and the constant grind of being the one who has to make a move. This is burning me out. Not the rejections itself, I can take that and still feel fine afterwards, but the structure of the game. Women get to sit back, do jackshit and just choose. Meanwhile men gotta do 95% of the work for near zero return. The effort is so high none of the outcomes feel even remotely worth it. Ironically, I've got a few women I meet here and there, there is some activiy in the background...but very one sided and effort heavy on my part. So even with that I don't feel wanted if I gotta be the one pushing everything forward all the time. I don’t buy the “grind harder” mindset anymore or the “love shows up when you least expect it". I've experimented with both long enough and I'm still left with breadcrumbs and now hitting a wall. So to the guys who've been there: how the hell do you stomach this? How you keep going when the rules are stacked like this? I don't want pity, I want real, grounded frames and mindsets that stops this from turning into bitterness.

Yep, I keep burning myself out over and over. I've stepped back and shifted focus for periods of time before, but I don't have a single experience to look back on and say "stepping back was worth it". Also, I haven't read one single success story where "stepping back" suddenly was key, it's never produced anything good for me in the past. So...what about it helps? Not whining, just literally can't see how it's meant to. Also, what do you mean by more efficient ways to live?

It wasn't about her. It was more about a week of getting hit by multiple rejections in different areas and I couldn't make sense of it. The inner conflict had more to do with that pile-up than with her. Looking back I’ve noticed a pattern when it comes to being in different states: State 1: I chase what I want > it slips right away, I get rejected. State 2: I don’t chase at all and just hope for things to happen > usually too late/silence. State 3: I find an inner calm, neither desperate nor indifferent > mostly silence, no reciprocation, life becomes boring. Nothing meaningful has come from this state. State 4: Fully absorbed in a hobby or long term plans > things suddenly happen: people reach out, life floods in. Reaching this state takes takes a lot of effort, I can't stay in it permanently. The catch is as soon as I leave it, everything that came from it slips away too.

Update: Another rejection. My brain is fried, can literally feel heat coming off it through my skull. Honestly hard to take this right now, especially with work also adding to the overload. Small progress though, I've noticed the urge to bulldoze several times over the past days and been able to choose a more civilised reaction instead. Will book IFS-session again and ground myself. I really admire you guys who manage to stay centered through this.

@T_i_m Yep, same here. Reading some perspectives beyond full-on pickup was actually refreshing though. This thread helped a lot already. Thank you everyone, appreciate all the advice from @Joshe and analysis from @Natasha Tori Maru. Will reply later, pretty busy atm.

Most circles I had faded. The newer ones are smaller, some good quality people from work, hobbies, old friends. Only recently started on being social again. But picking up more momentum this year.

True. Though for me there's never really a finished moment to bring her in. There's always more to build and improve. But it's starting to click, appreciate it. Curious... how did you get through your own healing phase without losing it, was visualising really it? I can see that girl being part of my life and can see me... a different version haha! Still, I can't picture just naturally crossing paths with her without turning it into strategy.