meta_male

I get where you’re coming from. I say this as someone who was that person. Pushing women away, blaming it on trauma, saying I was just doing my best. But at some point it becomes a lame excuse. Plenty of people had no guide and still figured it out because the pain of staying stuck eventually outweighed the fear of change. If you have deep trauma you don’t belong in a relationship until you’ve worked through enough of it to stop trauma dumping – or enabling it. The real problem is thinking relationships are a survival need and rushing into them before you're even remotely secure.

@SimonaMay Yeah... I feel this way too, but with women. I’ve also reached that point where I can tell within a few minutes if someone’s really present or just performing, and it’s a brutal filter. I don’t even try to force connection anymore, it either resonates fast or doesn’t. That second part could’ve been written by me. No answers either. Just doing my thing, staying sharp and shaping the kind of environment where the right "fit" might eventually step in. It sucks but the alternative – ending up with anyone just in order to settle – is way worse. @Miguel1 Funny you mention “our leader gave up on that project”, like this is some spiritual dating cult. Honestly, I've found the spiritual ones to be the absolute worst, all fancy words and zero integration. Being spiritual is in fashion, so you just get the same people in those groups as you get anywhere else.

She gives you breadcrumbs, that’s all you need to know. It keeps you engaged and wondering. Whether it’s conscious or not doesn’t matter cause the result is the same: she’s not committed and you are stuck. There are people who pull others down with their trauma, and there are people who take responsibility and work through it. It's important to know the difference.

@Leo Gura Yeah, no guy in his right mind consciously chooses an unhinged woman. It just takes too much effort and patience to filter properly, especially when the alternative is "starving."

Yeah, I wouldn't say I’m heading in a positive direction. Just not stuck in the same loop anymore. Also rarely met with the same wavelength. Like the way I think just doesn’t compute for most, so I feel cut off even with people around. I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. I just ride and take it all in. Me taking up space in this reality is just my middle finger to life. Not sure if any of that lands for you, but here we are.

Sure. But emotional grounding takes work. Most people chase comfort, not truth and depth. And if you're constantly validated just for existing, growth doesn't feel necessary. Until reality hits hard.

Why would women bother being emotionally grounded? Half the guys chasing them wouldn’t know the difference.

Could be cultural differences. Aussie women I found to be outright crazy...more like the US girls I’ve seen online. In comparison, Swiss women (probably similar to Swedish ones) seem more emotionally contained. That said, even here, most women I’ve dated were emotional messes. Flaky, hyper-sensitive, and hard to rely on.

@Sugarcoat I still get those thoughts too from time to time, last year was pretty bad. What helped was dropping the idea that I had to find some great reason to live. I stopped chasing meaning or purpose like it's the only thing to live for. I remember thinking: fuck you Leo for being an emotionless piece of shit, fuck you Actualized community, you idiots have no clue what it's like living right on the edge of life and death. Keep talking about awakening. Keep having your petty debates about which guru is most awake, how society’s doomed, and why everything’s a simulation. Oh, and don’t forget the weekly Owen Cook post. That whole place felt like a cassette stuck on loop. Just like my brain. I thought this community would be filled with like-minded people, but I felt just as left out here as I did in my own family. I realised there's no point to socialise with anyone online or offline when you're in that state. Especially not with people who've never actually been through crisis. It just makes it worse. So I stuck to myself, did stuff that grounded me. Dumb shit like building a Lego model. Taking photos. Going for walks in nature (I hated those so much). And just to mirror my inner state I watched A LOT of GoPro combat footage, 18+ footage of people getting killed or dying in accidents. At some point I booked a trackday and just raced it out and it clicked for me. There was no depression when facing my fears and my heart is pumping like crazy. Turns out I just have to keep moving. Keep doing shit that scares me. It’s not some grand life philosophy. But for now, it works fine. The thoughts still come back, but I’m not trying to solve them anymore. I’ve spent enough energy on this shit.

Imagine telling your kid: If someone puts a gun to your head and asks if you believe in God – say yes. Even if it gets you killed. Imagine being so scared of death, you expect it any second. Even while playing with your Legos. Ah yes, the gospel of obedience at gunpoint. Good old parenting. Choke on the silence you left me in.

This is where I’ll put my raw thoughts. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve been through a lot and it's shaped me in ways I’m still figuring out. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I've pulled this off and still joke around. This journal is where it has a place, so I don’t keep bringing it up everywhere else. I don’t know what comes next, but I’m starting here.

I see. I don't feel any more neurotic from having a beer than from whiskey. Probably just neurotic all the time, lol. But yeah, whiskey has that warm, tingling body effect. Wtf 🤣 That story went from "I used to drink gin" to "I fought women in clubs and lost part of my ear" real fast.

@Leo Gura Have you been out in any other places than the US in that decade? Owen is one of the most immature men out there from what I've seen. This type of behaviour got one of my friend's friend kicked out of a club...in winter without him being able to even get his jacket. No mercy for monkeys.

The truth is probably about what stage you're in. When you’re awkward, isolated, starved of connection and have zero social momentum @Leo Gura's view is like gospel. No amount of “just be more social” advice helps when you’ve never felt at ease around groups of people. But once you do get some traction, you have a social circle and can show up present @Emerald's view starts making more sense. You see more openings and your mindset shifts from scarcity to abundance and you start to see yourself become more attractive. Only then can you stop trying so hard. The trap is thinking you can skip that shift and still expect tangible results. Sadly, some guys talking about this have never made it far enough to see both sides. So they argue from whichever side they're currently on.

@Joshe I mostly agree, but I’d still argue: some people see through the BS early. Not everyone needs 40 years to know what doesn’t feel real. The risk of developing complexes goes both ways...faking extroversion just to earn solitude can leave you just as miserable. For me, the sweet spot is social exposure to stay grounded and connected, without bending myself to fit in.

What you mean "neurotic hyper state"?

If he never drank then one of those WILL get him hammered. Better get a Radler (beer + lemonade) @The Caretaker

5 times? How is this quitting?

Seems to me the sacrifice is going without intimacy for longer than feels tolerable with no guarantee it ever pays off.

Get two – one on each foot. @Natasha Tori Maru Thanks for the clarification, I get where you're coming from now. It read as "I've had my social life. You haven't. You'll understand when you're older." I hope we all know there's issues, just not always as easy to pinpoint. Curious though, what exactly are you saying us introverted guys are being ignorant about?

This is not how not meaning to be condescending works though... @Hardkill So you're not really asking where to meet women...you're asking if it's still valid to meet them in the nightlife scene?

Not everyone's either a sex-chasing-extrovert-chad or an enlightened-socially-detached-introvert-monk. @Hardkill You don’t need to go all in on cold approach or force yourself into the nightclub scene if it's not your thing. Just start small. Talk to someone at the gym, café or wherever. Train your social muscle casually while you finish your degree. Also, half of it is timing and luck anyway. You’ll never feel like your life is fully in order...waiting for that moment is a trap. Leo’s got a point. Just not one that applies to 99% of people in this forum section.

@Asia P Yeah, that space between wanting to give love and having nowhere worth putting it is brutal. The whole ‘wait vs. search’ thing... it's like both can rot you over time if you’re not careful. Waiting feels like a joke. Searching feels like a joke.

Dear me: Enjoy minigolf. Soon you'll pray to be someone else. And ditch the plastic sandals – where you're going, you'll need to strap on real boots. I promise it'll be worth it. Big thanks to the forum and a salute to the silent readers. I was aiming the wrong way for years. The gun's still loaded. But this time, I shoot to be seen. 👉💥

Just throw yourself in the cold water. No amount of preparation will make it less scary.