meta_male

After severe episodes of panic attacks I am now suicidal, last weekend I went to the forest with my gun, but couldn't pull through. The past decade have been a big struggle, only to barely stay alive. There's no hope of life ever getting better. I have no family to turn to. I need help but don't know how to get it, I feel paralyzed but can barely acces my brain.

Thank you every single one of you for your insights and especially to those offering to talk, I was really moved by all your posts 🙏 I'm now off work due to burnout and depression, at least two weeks, maybe longer. Finances are still a big problem but at least I got the time to plan the next steps right now. Also, my doctor gave me meds and is trying to find a licensed therapist for me but it will take a while cause they got long waiting lists. For now I got my IFS practitioner and a couple friends to talk. It really feels like I'm at level -1000, it's hard to just get to level 0, meditation flies out the window when you're at the mercy of fear @NoSelfSelf.

@Ulax No, I'll look it up, thanks bro. @Princess Arabia I'm not sure I understand what you mean, can you try to rephrase?

I keep exhausting all options available, money becomes a big problem now. I've been doing IFS therapy for a year. I always end up in situations I gotta get myself out again. I was raised in a cult similar to JW, 7 years ago I got out, always gotta go against everyone around me, nobody can relate. Now found out I have Asperger's, nobody gets that either. I'm building social circles, they fall apart. I'm building relationships, they fall apart and I end up a mess, then come months of building myself up again. Nobody seems to go through crises in real life, I'm always the odd one out. I can't relate to anyone. I am working my ass off to be social and I am, but what for? I can't relate to anyone, I've been in so many different social settings and groups, I'm open minded af but it's like I'm born on the wrong planet. Still, I keep being social, it's just not doing anything for me it seems. Also people around me get depressed when I start being open to them, they don't wanna hear it. When I think back the past ten years I've been happy 2-3 times for a max. of two weeks, the rest is just depression always looming in the background. Thanks man but it's like I can't show myself to the world rn, my confidence left me once again. I keep building it up then depression sneaks back in, always one level worse than before. My looks aren't the problem really. Yeah I'm trying to get to see one. I spent all fucking morning just to get an appointment at my doctor's. It's like my life is on advanced mode whatever I'm trying to achieve, even if it's just getting something as small as an appointment, it's so not worth it.

While I've had ups and downs on my way to healing I've now reached a point where I all hope has left me. I can't see myself ever living a healthy life. I want to tear down the cult my fucking parents raised me in. I want to murder their leaders. I want to emotionally torture my parents. I let myself be suppressed by these fuckers from 8-24. I've kept in positive and negative emotions all my life, it feels like too much to bear. For a week now I'm having panic attacks and seizures, the other day I almost crashed the car. I'm feeling rage inside. I can't see any healthy and legal way to let this shit out.

I'm really not sure 'll get through this one. It's too much to take, more like constant downward battle. Is it normal to only ever enjoy like a couple days a year, the rest is just a struggle that's getting worse every day. I also just found out I probably have Asperger's, final nail in the coffin. I don't know what I want or need except for emotional connection with someone, someone who fucking understands. But I get I'm not safe and nobody wants that. There's literally nothing worth living for, I don't know if I'm posting again. Love you guys.

@StarStruck Totally agree. Just be aware who you're going down with.

1) Just get any drink you want. If you don't care about coming off stingy and you want water then so be it, have water. 2) If getting drinks and getting drunk isn't possible for you (and therefore not something that's fun) think about what else is there on a night out that's a fun thing to do with her after dancing, e.g. a walk around the city.

@Leo Gura It'd be unwise for you not to say so

@StarStruck And stop following other men for starters lol.

They're just teasing. You care too much to be a bad boy. Don't worry about the content that comes out of girl's mouths.

Keep the money and throw the rest in the trash.

I regret not having run away from home as a kid.

@LittoDitto I've been holding off therapy for a really long time. It's amazing how much one can take before it becomes unbearable. Not to scare you, but if you keep waiting – more likely than not – it's only getting worse. Make sure you get help, doing your own research can only do so much. I know what it's like to have therapy on the to-do list, the perfect time to get started will never come, so start by taking miniature steps towards it. IFS is what I can recommend, it's a powerful tool to help you heal trauma. Just look up some therapists, check out their website and note them down, some do online sessions too, so you're not necessarily bound by your location (although I recommend seeing them in person if possible). Next step you call, email or text them to give them a short overview about your situation. They'll guide you through it from there, so all you gotta do is make contact. Let the world know you're in need of help. https://www.actualized.org/insights/ifs-therapy-for-trauma-healing https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners

@Consept Fair enough. Like attracts like.

His appearance plays a big part in how you feel around him.

They'll have trouble bonding. Promiscuity is not an attractive trait for men and for women.

Might be hard to find there. They're stuck in missionary positions.

Simpler for autistic people.

They adopt this type of attitude because they get benefits from men who put them on a pedestal.

@bebotalk Are they rude when they hang up on me?

This actually makes you the perfect target for a cult.

Have you walked in their shoes? Empathy goes a long way in your career.

Age is literally just the number of years you spent on this planet, not much more behind it really. People age at different rates, in reality my body is only like 12. If your life has been very repetitive and boring the past years you're bound to feel old cause you lack energy. Depending on your surroundings or activities your sense of age can change from feeling old to feeling young again btw, so nothing has been lost.

No such thing as right or wrong. Just get to know her in person a bit, then invite her out for a drink. No need to worry about social media this way.