ZenSwift

I really like the idea of just being open to the what the medicine can show you. Yes an intention, contemplation and massive amounts of focus is very useful, but at the same time I need to be open that the question that I have has an improper metaphysics baked already in the question, causing massive confusion when I don't get the answer that my biased ego wants. That's very relieving to read. Thanks for your time to write this post. I appreciate it brother, much love. It seems like I need to let go of my ideas of what I even think Mahasamadhi is because I am conflating it way too much with my perceived physical existence being wiped away. Just gotta surrender to wherever the toad takes me and let go of the self/reality to get "there".

So if I understand you properly, when there is a Mahasamadhi, there is no doubt about that's what you're doing. Because how I imagine 5meo to be is that you are simply letting go of EVERYTHING. and I guess by the time you're conscious enough for a Mahasamadhi, you KNOW it for sure! It's not just a simple let go of all of your illusions... @Sempiternity My point was not simply that the psychedelic is going to do that, but rather the conscious letting go of my life entirely, which IS what I plan to do when I take 5meo. A total ego annihilation. Becoming conscious of HOW I am imagining reality. @BipolarGrowth I think I'll be at that level when I realize love. By then I would have probably had several dozen awakenings. But yeah I'm NOT at that level at all by a longshot. My idea of this popped into my mind is when I was listening to Leo's video of Outrageous Experiments In Consciousness. But yeah I just don't know "the levels" so this is why I ask and make this thread. I know but I'm not worried about that at all haha, so the ego will pick and choose another reason why not to take 5meo. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@mandyjw @BipolarGrowth Yeah I'm linking it all in my Meta Thread documenting my psychedelic journey. By the end of it is should be a pretty inspiring read.

I forgot to post this one a while back, so I am posting it now. Mushroom Trip Report 003 November 29th 2020 1.081g of Golden Teachers Shroom I wanted to test out what 1 gram of golden teachers is like because I only know what the PE strain is like on one gram. I need to create a spreadsheet of all my trips Soaked dat lemon tek for 20 mins Taken at 2:54pm There's probably a lot resistance and fear on this trip because last trip I had an ego death. But this one should be more positive. Waiting for the floor to start moving lol Kinda late but whatever. Intention: Get to the bottom of my limiting belief: "I can't focus" Intention: Using my journal, question my limiting belief around my ADHD and lack of focus. 13 min in Feeling brain activation. 18 min Noticing small amounts of movement in the floor that is definitely the signature shroom movement. 21 min Noticing the pigment in the hands. Not nearly as much as on other trips. 24 min I'm pretty sure my learning ability just increased. Because learning is just creativity. 26 min Feeling Sensitive. Like if I were to be scared I would die right now. 30 min Getting pretty high. Really feel the emotional take over now. It's okay, it was always okay. Emotions heightened. 35min The human hand is really weird. Very alien and foreign. But that's okay because I am that. Feeling of slight nausea. That's mushroom nausea feeling right now. Floor is moving. Reality gets freaky, but I am the freaky. Reality is a great mystery that I must show myself for I am it. The biggest lesson that I have to always tell myself is to surrender and not take myself so seriously. I get way too much anxiety that is created from me trying to be some intense motherfucker when really, it's okay I can relax. I guess that's my fear: the fear of relaxation and in becoming complacent. 42 min Basically in it. Kind of funny, I feel weird cuz I think I feel all of my skin. Looking at the tapestry is Wild. The peak is yet to come. But then I get to slide down a very fun slide. Feeling tired. It must be activating because of my yawning. I am yawning. 47 min Feeling like a creature. I am now answering my questions from my busting limiting beliefs worksheet. Yup it's good shit. You're going to love it. I didn't think it would be this potent. Oh my God Golden Teachers are teaching me what they're made of. Yawning more. I feel so tired and fatigued. I also need to take the duct tape off the vent on the ceiling at some point. Sober me can you please do that? Thank you. >I did it while still high. 51 minutes. My body is feeling heavy. My entire body is able to relax. There is that feeling in my chest that was like anxiety but now it's spread to the whole body and now it has transformed itself into tiredness and relaxation. Yeah I'm pretty much knocked out on this floor. It is 54 minutes in and I've been lying on this floor because I'm so lazy. It's so fucked to write on a piece of paper where all the letters are moving. That mushroom will keep on purging all that bullshit. 59 mins I think we're at the Mountaintop because I am so fucking tired there's so much yawning. >Peak incoming 1h 8 mins Just staring at this tapestry and it's so illuminating and beautiful. Lying down on the floor. "Arts and crafts" while high is always funny >Had to fold some paper to get the tapestry back up, because it fell. Was reflecting back to a time when I had to put duct tape on my VR headset while on a potent dose of THC. Time was created so we can explain why things change into other things. 1h 13 min I just peaked 1h 18 min Another peak The best part is looking at something like a fractal while your vision blurs. You know you're peaking when your vision starts to blur. I'm going to allow myself. To enjoy this. Here is gone. How did that happen? Because I have finally emerged Enjoy this. 1h 56 min High. Yeah I do fear that I'll be seduced by the mushrooms and just become a druggie. Just jerked off completely naked on my bed. Which is something I don't do often at all in my life, maybe two other times. We try to hide that part of reality so much. 2h 18 min I live in a dead world. The only things that are alive are the food that I eat. I need to trip in the middle of a forest what everything around me is alive. I feel like Terence McKenna when he has his glasses on. Just accept yourself. I'm a nerd in my craft. 2 hours and 27 minutes in The reason why I'm scared of looking at my face in the mirror is because I fear that I will see something else, and that's seeing of something else is the death of my self-image that I hold. When really I didn't exist in the first place, and so Fear is the mechanism is that preserves the self. Anxiety is a mechanism that preserves the self. When really the self wasn't there in the first place. And then the shrooms SHOW that to you. ADHD people can Focus just fine. They're just saying ADHD people can't focus because of the way they think, they think differently. >The ADHD brain is the holistic brain. We think like a Christmas tree. That's just a different perception of reality. So instead of focusing on one thing, you focus on one thing with a Christmas tree around it. Existing is like being in a fish tank. Trapped. Confined to this one box. >That was fucking weird to experience. I am truly a curious creature. Gods perspective is all free and all loving. Yeah you're trying to learn how to focus, but you got to enjoy the journey. And listen to some Bob Marley music while you're treading. Enjoy the struggle. Patience is just enjoying the moment. Enjoy that suffering. That is life. What you call suffering is just a duality that you make up in your mind. This is the shroom talking: Reality is fucked. Whoopsie. Did I just fuck with your reality? Oops that's just reality! To try and preserve this perfect moment is to not live in the moment. Trying to remember things, is to not live in the moment. Whatever I fear is my ego trying to push fear forward because if I encounter the thing I feared than the ego would be destroyed. If I stare at my face while peaking on shrooms, my ego will be destroyed. 3 hours in Still high. Eyes very dilated. Trying to remember something is to not live in the present. Experiencing short-term memory, but in a different way than THC. Shrooms: your ego is going to hate it, but your inner being is going to love it. It wouldn't be amazing otherwise. You need that duality to be there for it to work. Imagine living your life as Bob Marley where you just make music and enjoy the moment, and that is your life. That is life. Your life IS the moment. So much for getting to bed on time. Shrooms are silly like green toes and toejam and farts. And it'll step on your silly plans with its dirty green feet. >Then I find myself talking to my mom again, lying on the bed staring at the ceiling and joking around. We are holding eachothers hands and such. We talk and just enjoy the moment. >Later, dad makes an amazing plate of nachos and as a family we watch "Christmas with the Kranks" together. 5h43min Sobering up 6h52min Sobering up more. Life is like a competition of who can be the most happy. What I wrote in my Journal. ###START### Limiting Belief “I can't focus” It all started when I was a small boy diagnosed with ADHD at the same time I was diagnosed with asthma. Being several years on an ADHD medication does a toll on ya. This negative belief came from my childhood after years of taking ADHD medication. Reinforcing a limiting belief that I cannot focus without my medication. Holding this belief protects me like a baby blanket because it protects me from taking responsibility of my life. The ADHD medication IS the baby blanket. An alternative, equally valid interpretation of the facts is that I was already capable of this amount of focus that I desire. I was just given the medication to “behave”. I was always capable of Focus. Right from the start. Right from the start! Just look at other people that lived before me without ADHD medication. ADHD medication is only new to the last 100 years, not even that. ADHD people before you were successful enough for you to be here today. I was always capable of the amount of focus that I desire. I was always able to focus. That limiting belief doesn't exist. It's okay, I love you. ###END### One of the coolest takeaways from my journaling was this: I was always capable of the focus I desired, I just was never given a chance to prove it to myself because I was given medication for so many years starting at such an early age. So it is through my actions now that I am showing myself that I have the ability to cultivate the focus that I desire. Post report: The week following, I doubled my productivity from 3 hours a day to 6 hours of focused work per day.

I unironically consider taking like 1 course in a college loaded with girls just so I can just do college pickup.

@Jakuchu Why are you in my house?

I experienced the same when plugging LSD. This is an interesting link.

I need help finding this video! Leo, it would be helpful for future posts if you copy and pasted the exact title of the video for when this happens again. That way I will be able to look for the taken down video myself. A lot of times a video that is taken down on YouTube, it is reuploaded somewhere else on YouTube.

"The greatest wisdom and growth lies with where you least want to look." - Paraphrasing Jordan Peterson September 6th, 2020. Intention: What is death? Last trip was 1.0g of a stem. This trip is 1.5g with a stem and a cap. Now caps are said to be more potent. So I was wary about adding an additional 0.5 grams, along with it being a cap. This is my second trip on Psycadellics. My body and mind is in great fear. But my intuition is playing to win. So I continue on with the trip. 1.5 g of psilocybin Melmac magic mushrooms. Melmac, AKA P.E. , "Penis Envy" mushrooms, are said to be bred for potency. So they're highly potent. Taken via Lemon tek. (soaked in lemon juice) +++ The trip report goes as follows: >Something with an arrow is more of an after the fact commentary. Something without an arrow is documentation while in the trip. +++ >Meditated in the morning for 20 minutes. >Sliced up some watermelon. Got some bananas, got my waters, and a puke bucket. Taken at 11:15 A.M. Last time I danced before the come up, this time I ran before taking it, and then danced before the come up. Realizing what I put myself into, I immediately start becoming more authentic and singing boom de yada, I'm ready to surrender, my intuition tells me. Yeah I should have contemplated death consciously before going into this trip, but I'll be ready for next time. As I should have contemplated intuition sober before my last trip but I didn't. Going to my trips from now on, I will make sure that I contemplate before the trip to then contemplate it while on the trip. I will have plenty of time to do that because my trip right here right now is going to be my last one for a little while because I'm going on a juice fast. 11:20 So far my hands are looking good, the last time they were looking real foreign. I'm noticing the shake in my hands when I quickly turn it around using my arm and wrist. The lemon Tek was soaking for about 45 minutes. I noticing a subtle change in cognition while I'm singing and dancing to the song boom de yada. Subtle forms of regret but also to overpower that with full confidence and surrender. I'm in this now, welcome to the ride. Enjoy. I'm interested in seeing how the trip will come up and up and up in waves. That was the most surreal thing from the last trip, so I'm preparing for that right now. I fully surrender. I give my love out to the world. 11:24 Starting to notice the subtle discolorations in my hand, visual perception is slowly creeping in to increase. Noticing my brain being more connected, Sensations in my brain. I already forgot what I was going to say. Based. I wonder, should I contemplate while I'm getting into the come up, or contemplate while I'm more at the peak? 11:31 I remember that subtle feeling in my chest of sinking down, I'm expecting that. That was last trip, that was my call to surrender. I have affirmed to myself, Everything is Beautiful, Everything Is Love. Subtle tingling in my left arm and hand. 11:40 Because I didn't contemplate before this trip, I'll know the difference for from this time to next time when I contemplate before the trip while sober. My pupils are becoming wider. 11:44 In the present moment. The most subtle movement in my vision. 11:46 Colours more vibrant. It's coming. Subtle nausea. Weird feeling. Anticipating the sinking chest. Vision ability increased. Here we fucking go. 11:50 Mental SHIFT. Watch me be on my twentieth trip and be like "meh". Nausea increased. The body is in a different state of feeling. Going into a trance, sleepy but not drowsy. 11:55 The floor is already several Rivers. Noticing detail that I never noticed before in these rubber mats. Just hit a peak. Noticing fear and anxiety, I must distinguish it with love because it is all love. There is great love coming through. 37 minutes in. Knowing this is only the start, I'm in for a treat. What is authenticity but a death of the self? Lots of yawning So much yawning. 11:58 Floor is moving again. It's pretty predictable to see how some things will move. 12:00 It's growing all over my prefrontal cortex and in my brain. I'm being so taken over. I'm yawning so much. Fingers are long and skinny. Thinking of funny memes. This is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. What did I just get myself into. LOL! I'm so fucking screwed. The ceiling is more clear. Still yawning like fucking crazy. Vision is blurry 12:07 Been having uncomfortable nausea and drowsiness. I just want it to go away, along with the fears of anxiety. Whatever the fuck this is, I Surrender. >I wasn't actually surrendering. 12:15 I was surprised by looking at my trip sitter's face, it was so intense that it freaked me the fuck out. Like turning a corner. I looked at my trip sitter and the focus was her eyes, and her eyes were so fucking big it was surreal. Like giant bug eyes. Really freaked me out. Crouched down in fear going "holy fuck". >See image for visual representation. It was only for half a second because it scared me so much, I looked away quickly. > Note to self: Tell my trip sitters to not look in my direction. Of course the Shadows are going to dance. God. >Shadows on the ceiling are dancing. Was pretty fuckin surreal /scary. Really hitting a peak. God fucking damn it I'm so scared to contemplate death. Entire body tingling. Holyshit. I'm expecting something crazy to happen and for it to hit me like a ton of bricks in an instant. Maybe that will be on a 5 MEO DMT trip. Everything is dancing. I wonder how long the peak and drop is. What's the tempo? Really resisting this trip. I think I must just face the Dragon. Else it will never end. Okay. > I was really having a hard time here, I guess a lot of people would call this point that I was experiencing a bad trip. But because of my research and understanding of psychedelics, there really is no such thing as a bad trip, that's just an interpretation you put upon something. But yeah this is kind of a bad trip, I was not enjoying this part at all. Uncomfortable as fuck. When you're in it though, you have a strange ability to just cope with the load you're given. You're kinda forced to. The shroom forces you. 12:24 I get why people say it's intense. Because you are in this reality now and it's so surreal and amazing, fantastical and magical. All of these positive affirmations are to protect myself. But what is the self? I don't think this feeling of fear is going to go away. I'm so foolish and childish to have set death as an intention. I guess I'm expecting to go somewhere else, but that's somewhere else is right here right now. > Right here, I was expecting to get hit like a ton of bricks in an instant and just go straight to Narnia I guess. This little ego is scared. > I say this to myself in a teasing tone because I'm having such a fucking hard time to surrender consciously. Over time, the mushroom ended up surrendering for me. Starting to forget how phones work. 12:32 Yep. ^^And that just made me burst into laughter. The ego will resist the whole way. Just be mindful! Fucking Christ. Yeah I am peaking hard right now. Arms and legs are so weird but they're so present. Definitely went in a trance. The paintings on the wall are fiercely pulsating. Vision is really fucking blurred, but blurred in a weird way. So surreal. Stomach bad feeling not going away. I'm not sure this is a bad trip or not. I don't think I'm enjoying it. But it's okay. It's all beautiful. >Self talk to keep me from freaking out, wasn't working. >At one point I was scared of my legs. >Having hallucinations of 2D image representations of centipedes when I close my eyes. They have neon turquoise outlines. 12:38 Noticing all the subtleties in everything, especially of my human body. A deep surrender must come from the inside. It is the hand that holds the ego. The higher self holds and encompasses the ego. 12:44 I become so desperate that I lie on the floor and give my love. I am remembering that it is okay to contemplate while lying on the floor. You don't have to be in a lotus position. What is death? What is life? Picking up on noticing the Ego. 12:53. I go in full crying. >Just roaring crying like I've never cried before. Full on tantrum like a 3 year old. I'm being purified. >My trip sitter comes down to try and comfort me, gives me a pillow and tissue to blow my nose because I asked her for a tissue. >I was whaling and sobbing in a crying fit stomach down on the floor and yelling "This ego doesn't want to die!" while clawing at the floor. >Imagine a 3 year old tantrum crying fit in a grown man's body. >I just needed to cry this out, I wish my trip sitter would've left me sooner to cry deeper, feeling like I've missed out on a deeper purification. She stayed there for basically my entire peak. Like 10 mins. But now that I think about it, she asked me some questions that allowed me to get in that crying purification fit in the first place. Going forward, I'll ask her to listen to me when I say "please leave". Give me a pillow and some tissue, and then leave. Her being there beside me, made me resist more because I didn't want to surrender with her around me. >Note to self: Tell my trip sitter to ask if I need anything, and if I say "NO!" to actually listen and promptly leave. My emotions came out to surface on the same level of my regular function. +++ >See attached image Diagram of Sober vs Peaking on Shrooms Sober is Suppression. Peaking on shrooms is expression. Orange represents your authentic emotions and desires. All of the shit you unconsciously and consciously suppress. Purple represents the many masks you wear, from the way you walk, talk, think and act. All just bullshit masks. While peaking, deep emotions come through no problem. +++ > At this point I could have been hallucinating, but I didn't notice because my head was basically looking at the floor while on the floor. And I was so enveloped in the emotion. So overpowered by the emotion, crying and stuff. 1 hour and 44 minutes in, this is the biggest peak I've had. The ego will claw until it can't. It will fight, fight, fight. That's what it is. I'm doing trauma work right here. Death is something I fear and cry about. Going on a psychedelic it is like going into EMDR therapy. You don't want to go but it's so worth it. You need to go in there and cry. I've just been purified. A purification is fully surrendering to your fears and realizing just what it is, objectively. Just full acceptance. 1:14 Getting a 3rd person view of this arm. That's why your hands and arms are so foreign. You're looking at these extremities as if it's the first time you're looking at them. From God's perspective. >They are skinny. Motherfucking Salad Fingers. (look up salad fingers) >You realize just how weird of an ape you are. All of your anxiety is fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. Just let the ego die for full Enlightenment to come through. >Let the higher self shine forth. Don't worry too much about surrendering, the shroom will do the surrendering for you. Whether you like it or not. You will eventually surrender. > it will beat you to a pulp. What's the difference between death and life? I need to contemplate this sober to give myself a solid foundation. I'm frustrated at this phone not picking up my voice properly when I put voice to text. Just like how a plant will grow, fruit and replant and then die and then be reborn again, When did it ever start to live in when did it ever stop? This body is just a continuation of the egg and sperm. I was never born, I was always born. I'm just now in this current form. +++ >See image Text in the pic, from left to right: " Infinity (representing that this chain goes on for infinity) What you call your life (vs what it actually is) Life - - - - - Death Where along this (infinite) chain is your actual birth & death? What you don't realize is that you ARE an/(the) infinite chain. Infinity (representing that this chain goes on for infinity) " Your being is an infinite chain of weaving in and out. >Imagine a grass-like plant growing, then fruiting, then the seed of the fruit falls, and replants itself. Then the old plant dies, while the new plant grows. And this chain goes on forever. Infinitely forward into the future, and infinitely backwards into the past. Instead of identifying with a single iteration of a plant, calling that your life, why not identify with the entire chain? ++++ 1:31 Death doesn't exist because what the fuck is it? You don't go anywhere, you just keep flowing. You're just a consciousness experiencing this human being, this Avatar, this vessel, to another. What. I am literally infinite. I'm crying so much. This is rapture. Nausea is completely gone. Death is not what you think it is, what a mind fuck. A beautiful mind fuck. You are like a hand clasping the tarantula. The hand being the higher self, the tarantula being the ego. The tarantula being upside down. A mind fuck isn't a bad thing. This stupid fucking ego fears this idea that it has created. >(The idea being death.) You have to face your fears, in order to finally get past that and take a look at what is. What is actually going on. You have your preconceived notion of what it is, and you just created a fear out of something you created, instead of looking at it objectively and having no fear at all. > You created the fear to prevent you from looking at it, because if you did look at your fears, you'd pull aside the curtain and realize that it is all a sham. > This ego created that fear of death to help its survival. It actually created the concept of death, and then created the fear of the concept! There is literally NOTHING Left to Fear. When you get past death, what the fuck else can scare you?! I'm going to die. And that's okay. It being okay is the fucked-up part. Once you face death there is literally nothing else to fear. 1:49 Reality is nothing but a bunch of surprises, gleefully and joyfully jumping out at you and surprising yourself. Reality is just a "fun ride". It always was. Just like that space astronaut meme. It always has been. >See image of the meme I made. >I am conscious that me being God is still held as a belief, a scaffolding built by Leo's lessons. I'm speaking to My Future Self, you need to continue to trip. It's so amazing and profound. Hey, yes, your ego will struggle, but just observe that, it's okay. Let the fear set in and let it break you down. I need you to keep tripping and to keep inquiring into the deepest parts of reality. Contemplate what is death while sober and then come back here on a psychedelic. I know you will fear coming back here. Just notice that. Everything is rapture. Get past your fear, and everything becomes rapture. The hallucinations and whatnot is the freaking out process to force you to surrender. I just did trauma work that I didn't even know that I had to do. You are freaked out until you cannot care no more. You'll be forced into a crying surrender. Reality rocks you until you surrender. It rocks you rudely, else you wouldn't listen. You would resist. >See image Imagine being scared by your own fucking legs. 2pm I believe that I have now passed the greatest Peak. All of reality and experience is coming waves up-and-coming waves down. >See image ++++ All shall pass. (as the saying goes, this too shall pass) All shall come (and go) Its a wave (a vibration) Like clouds, They come & go The BS The Traumas Your Experiences Your Memories The Music Your "Life" It flows in and out. Take note of the wave symbol being a reflection of your "life" going through time from left to right. >The emergence of all of the phenomenon you experience is as mysterious as how a thought emerges. ++++ I fear eyes, but I must surrender to them. I am to be seen! >Thinking about how I'm going to see eyes in my future trips. I cannot suppress the gay. This body, this vessel, wants to experience that. Surrender to it. I have fantasies of getting fucked. Fighting yourself is a real battle, the ego will not go down without a fight. My trip sitter trying to comfort me was merely a distraction. I just needed to cry, and lean in deeper and deeper. Once you go after death, there's nothing left. Nothing Left to Fear. Trauma will not go without a fight. What is the ego? A stickman that lives inside of you that claws onto you. Life is like a dirty tentacle, that wants to feel up every single crevice. Fill every orifice. After the fear of death is relinquished, every creepy spider leg becomes beautiful, because you realize it comes from a place from non-defensive survival. >Imagine a giant spider leg coming down from storm clouds, much like lightning. There's more Beauty to explore, can't wait for you to come back here. During my Peak, my vision was so blurred that two entire paintings were just pulsating, moving, merging together. Constant pulsating. Violent pulsating. We need to stop confining a canvas shape to a square. Why not have a custom canvas in the way of a swoop? >See image. I can't wait until I have my entire ego completely die and fully surrender. >This will probably require a higher dosage. It takes the entire group to integrate the Insight of the individual. One radical change of an individual will need a whole lot of explaining to the group. I need to Transcend caring what labels people put on me in regards to my Sexuality. >I'm not really sure what to do after the peak, I feel like all the work has basically been done. So I just kind of continue 2 have a cool down. I would be just too bored to just continue sitting and contemplating. >So I kind of just lie there in awe what just happened. >Talked with my mother about the ramifications of my Sexuality. Did it while still on the barrier-removing high such that I can actually have the balls to have this talk. I've talked about this before and she has actually worked with me on this with EMDR therapy work before. I was basically coerced into sexual acts by similar age boys when I was around the age of 10. So there is trauma there, imprinting my sexuality making it complicated. Basically, I was imprinted with a "gay fetish" as a straight man, making it more complicated when exploring my sexuality with the same sex. Making it more difficult to grab hold onto a static sexual identity. I can go deeper into that if you ask. >I realize that I need to be able to not care about what people think about my sexuality, and just do what I please. To stop giving a fuck about the judgement. >Note to self, whenever I'm feeling that nauseous sickness and uncomfort coming on, consciously lie down and surrender. ++++++ 2 Main Insights A mind fuck realization of what the emergence of life and death is. >See image of another meme I made A deeper acceptance of my sexuality, and sexual urges. >See image of a card I pulled a couple of days later.

And here I thought that doing 5meo is going to fuck with your authentic life purpose... I guess maybe if your do a lot of it. @toad_mcnuggets Do you have any previous experiences with psychedelics?

@tlowedajuicemayne This trip was a vital part of my understanding of death, as it allowed me to approach understanding into the nature of fear. I intuit that I will know what death REALLY is when I do 5meo.

Additional Commentary on this report.

I was just testing out the difference in potency between mushroom strains. I believe that different strains have different personalities, as well as different potency. A gram of blue meanies will be WAY more potent than a gram of golden teachers. Apparently the strain b+ will also yield a lot more positive trips, giving its name: Be Positive (B+). I learned how to be more authentic with my desires. I also learned how fear and anxiety are simply just defense mechanisms to control the sense of self. I got this "fishtank feeling" where I was confined to nothing but my perceptions. I think this was an experience of being nothing but the room, how you are literally nothing but the being-ness that "you" "experience". See Leo's video: "What is Perception?". My intention was also to use Leo's busting limiting beliefs worksheet that you get in the Life Purpose Course to help bust my limiting beliefs around my perceived inability to focus. This was the result:

Additional commentary on this report.

Learning from Leo that if your intuition is playing to win, then it IS authentic intuition. I found running a few kilometers as a GREAT way to clear out the negativity in the mind and also the fear. I was scared shitless. I've learned that it is best to Contemplate your intention, before, during, and after the trip. Especially in my first few trip reports, I report a lot of the subjective effects, like the visuals and the body feelings. These were pieces of information that I wanted to have when I was doing my research. The shroom overtakes you and eats your brain, like a bunch of tentacles creeping their way in. At this time, looking at any faces at all REALLY scared me. Looking at people's faces, and ESPECIALLY looking at my face in the mirror. I first started noticing this feeling of "impending doom", or a feeling that at any moment, the entirety of reality would be turned inside out and upside down. Like there was not much keeping reality together the way it is right now. I've noticed this feeling especially on my later trips. This is something I've noticed with my "bad trips". I can be in hell, but I could still keep myself alive for the next few seconds, and a few seconds more, and a few seconds more. When that situation IS your reality, you are thrusted into taking responsibility and taking on that load. That's how you grow. One thing I've noticed with mushrooms is that it will throw you off the cliff. When you're scared to jump, it throws you right into it. To this day I am not sure as to exactly why I was so freaked out by my legs. Maybe it was because at one point my legs didn't appear to be "mine". But at this time to I was just scared of any visuals moving that were close to me. Like I was looking at my blanket at one point and it scared me that it was breathing. --- I learned just HOW therapeutic it is to just CRY and throw a tantrum like a 3 year old. A bad cry lets the fear right out, it all goes away and gets purified. As my trips progress, I am becoming more and more conscious of how pragmatic it is to face all of your fears. --- During this trip I also noticed that any suppressed things in your psyche will come up. One of these things in my psyche was admitting to myself homosexual fantasies I had. Just being honest with myself and what this body/vessel naturally wants. And coming to terms with how that conflicted with my perceived identity that I constructed my entire life. I was learning how I needed to let go of my attachment to the "social ego"; the part of me that was my socially perceived sexual orientation. In this trip I learned about the power of FULLY surrendering to your fears, and once you do, you feel THE BEST!

Linking this thread to the Parent Thread.

August 23rd 2020 Very first Psycadelic Trip. A lot of this trip is written down as it was happening, and also I came in after and elaborated on certain points so things made more sense. Intention: What is intuition? 1g cubensis Melmac dried magic mushrooms. (I'm definitely more sensitive to substances than the average individual, so this was a great starter dose.) Consumed via Lemon tek (soaked in lemon juice for 20 mins). Didn't taste anything bad. No taste at all really, just the lemon juice when I drank it. Spent extra time to chew it really well. Consumed on an empty stomach. Meditated for 20 minutes watching my thoughts. Made the lemon tek, mediated a bit more. Had a whole lot of anxiety that morning, really fearful of the unknown experience I was able to have. Consumed at 11:10 AM I turned on music and danced to 3 songs. By the third song my emotion really came through and I cried a bit in the emotion. The rest of the time was spent sitting on a couch in the sunroom in the house, I wanted to be close to nature while on this trip, rather than in my basement. As well I wanted to be close to my tripsitter. 30 mins in Grass breathing subtly. 40 minutes Looking at my hand and noticing how foreign it is. Jitteryness Fingers trembling. Noticing all the plumpness and discolouration in the hand. Feeling the shroom creeping in. 11 55 Feeling a strong need to lie down and surrender. There is a place that I fear to go. And it's hauntingly deep. Had that feeling of being sucked back into a dark place that I feared to go. It was very threatening. Probably the most difficult part of the trip here. I went into the open starfish formation to fully surrender, as well as verbally saying "I surrender" 12:00 Nauseous and sinking. Shit is funny. 12:10 Noticing every hair on my arm. The most subtle things in peeling a banana that would go unnoticed I'm noticing. All the nuances in peeling a banana is noticed. 12:15 Noticing how marbled in colour our hands are. Small subtle feelings of nausea. Wanting to move left and right swaying. Have a really hard time to control it. As much as I can throughout the trip I repeatedly ask the question: "What is intuition? What is intuition? What is intuition? What is intuition?" 12:18 Ability to make distinctions in colour has increased. At one point at the peak later, all the green leaves in the garden are the same bright green hue. Still subtle nausea. Strong feeling of being a monkey. Puckering my lips out, showing my teeth. Really noticing a different state of consciousness. I think that's something that's easy to misunderstand about a psycadelic. There's the visuals, but that's like the side effect. Like the heat that is produced from a light bulb; a side effect. The reality is still here but the projector that is me has changed. 12:23 Swirly pattern in the cushion expanding to the whole entire cushion and swaying, swaying. What you focus on, literally grows. My body is part of that swaying. The universe around me feels like an ocean and I'm being pushed by the waves. Really noticing patterns emerge from the cushion. Intuition is so deep. Slow. That's the feeling. It's a whole lot easier to use my voice to type this report while I'm in the middle of the trip. 12:27 Noticing a deep rhythm to the universe. I can see how easy it is to just want to stare at the grass and get lost. Because I know if I stare at something long enough it will start breathing. Just like the floors right now it's moving like a slow river. Hardwood floors flow into several opposite direction Skinny rivers. 12:30 I'm noticing Everything Is Beautiful more than you can imagine. >it's really working to navigate a trip well by saying everything is beautiful. 12:34 You are constantly basking in the sunlight shining on to you at all angles. Infinite hands coming and shielding my face when I close my eyes. Oh my God. 12:38 "Noticing all the patterns in the ceiling and how they are breathing yeah it's really not that bad man, I get Majestic and beautiful yeah holyshit I'm in it I'm in it I love how it's recording my voice while I say this too." Slow. Easy I ask my intuition what is intuition. It tells me to tilt my head up and surrender in the starfish position to open up my body, because my body is a vessel to receive consciousness. It's not even mine. It's not even MY body as my ego would like me to believe. 12:43 Increased trip intensity as I look at the hundred actual birds in my garden. What's the difference between authenticity and intuition? Tons and tons of giggling. I must call everything beautiful to sway this journey. 12:51 If I stare at something long enough it moves. Especially things that are very generic but consistent in pattern. They flow like a river. That's why floors flow. Nausea is gone. But I am a wave now. It's so fucking easy to get distracted haha. If I was an artist I have infinite vision right now. Everytime I close my eyes it's a new vision. Creativity is so enhanced it's something you have to experience to understand. Creativity skyrocketed. 1:00 I close my eyes I notice all the visions of the background of red to yellow. I open my eyes and it's white dominated. The colour White. And it's all moving subtly. I am the room. Reality is a mind fuck. How could we be so foolish the ground ourselves in materialism? It's all one conscious mind. There is no difference between the wall and the tree it's all part of the infinite field. Creativity is skyrocketed. 1:13 I can see that a glimpse of how much deeper I can go I must ask the question: What is consciousness? 1:20 Going to the washroom, walking with a bounce like an ape. 1:25 Intuition is just noticing the push that you are being pushed in. You noticing the waves around you as you are just a part of the ocean. Close my eyes against the pillow for a second. I'm noticing that the left and right eye are like two different Instagram filters. The left eye with the green filter and the right eye with a clear yellow one In order to understand intuition I must understand the infinite intelligence and consciousness. +++big peak+++ 1:41 What is consciousness? Consciousness is all of this that you see. It's so easy to just get distracted and play on Shrooms. 1:48 I've never seen my pupils so dilated. Every time I walk to the bathroom it's just such monkey like in the way I walk. +++ hallucinations are barely apparent now.+++ 1:51 Seeing that you got to be brave to go deep. 1:58 Feeling the now. 2:00 Sight and Sound are literally connected. I can see how that Duality collapses. It would be interesting to see how the movement of reality reacts to music, as I've heard the room moves with the music. 2:03 I can see how it is so easy to distract yourself and get addicted to this experience. It crosses my mind why even contemplate. But I've saw someone fall for that trap before when reading a trip report. So I need to keep getting back on that horse to contemplate. Right now I need to do that. 2:22 The Universe is there for you. The entire experience of eating a banana so funniest fucking thing. Sticking your tongue out, chewing with your mouth wide open, swishing it around in your cheeks. Complete monkey mode. Completely authentic. 2:29 Every action becomes a game. You're being more creative with chewing a banana. You're being more creative in just the way you breathe. Everything just becomes interesting as fuck. 2:37 I noticed looking back earlier on the trip, how I was avoiding the present by opening and closing my eyes. Avoiding going deep. Protecting myself. And I see on a higher dose this will be unavoidable. The eyes closed and the eyes open will collapse, it won't matter, you'll be thrusted into it. Why can't I contemplate Consciousness while rolling on the ground? Why do I have to sit here in a Lotus position? 2:43 I can see when you're given a new perspective, it's so easy to question convention. Because I'm experiencing that new perspective now. Open Mindedness to the sky. It's easy to consider things I would otherwise fear or see as silly to even think of questioning. Shrooms would totally naturally collapse conventional society as a whole. 2:46 "It's not even you when you are surrendering. It's just the way of tuning you into flowing into the water." > When you are surrendering, there is actually no "you" to surrender. You just dissolve the notion of you and merge with the ocean. 2:48 Realizing that the movements that are hallucinations is the duality of solid vs fluid collapsing. 2:52 It's a rule in reality that you must first cross the chasm to reach the field of flowers. This is what the trip feels like. 3:03 I think contemplation becomes very different. You don't think into it, you BE into it. Be as in being. instead of contemplating formally, you BEING into your BEING too solve your BEING. 3:26 Strong urge to drum. 3:36 You need to poke around reality in different ways to explore reality fully. Like rubbing your nose against a couch. 3:43 The barrier that stops me from rolling around in the dirt is a made up one. Why not have fun and just roll around in the dirt, in the love? 4:08 Much earlier I felt like a child playfully roaring at my dog that was growling. 4:54 Noticing the ability to take a strong good look at the burns in your vision after your stare at something too bright for too long. Rather than it escaping your eye when you try to look at it, I was able to get a good solid look at it. That was interesting. How was that even possible lol. 5:51 Noticing the ego clamping down on me with the notion of shame. ___ Visuals Experienced During the Trip A beautiful boat with swirly wood flowering along the sides. An infinite flow of RGB streaks. Infinite deer head with RGB outlines Infinite things. Like a dead wasp I was staring at, then closed my eyes, and it appeared into my vision in an infinite row. Infinite row of 1 foot sized alien bugs crawling up my leg. I noticed some dead bugs on the floor including wasps and bees, and when I close my eyes how an infinite row of wasps was in my vision. But it wasn't scary, it was just beautiful. Because all of reality of beauty. These infinite patterns showed up like two mirrors being put together. Through the red eye of seeing, being able to fly through the world with passing by pieces of consciousness manifesting. ~~Things I've noticed later on that happened earlier ~~ Hugging the chair I'm lying on. With whatever is happening, all I can say is "beautiful". Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. This was great for me to navigate my trip really well. Just everything in my Consciousness is beautiful. I learned how authentic I can really be. To be like a child in authenticy. To be like an ape in authenticy. There is no barrier between me and wanting to roll around in the dirt. That's just a made up one. I noticed how intuition is connected to Consciousness, and that I really needed to contemplate what is consciousness and how to tap into it to understand intuition. I saw intuition as a form of channeling. A light form of channeling. ___ I also had a notebook where I wrote this down. Here's what I wrote. What is intuition? A strong pull. A gut, chest, throat pull. Intuition is deep. Intuition shows you the cracks of light. But it's up to you to travel to the end of the tunnel to realize the entire light. To access intuition, you need to channel. You already are a channel, just open yourself up. It's the subtle ground you take for granted. Question that natural feeling coming from nothingness. Consciousness is an infinite ocean. Just tap into the ever-flowing Rhythm ___ ###Days After Report ### Increased authenticity. Even in the way I walk. Increased interest in realizing my greater identity. Realized this when I talk to other people I still feel alone, and remembering the theory that you are alone and you just create reality and people around you to feel as if you're not alone. How you actually create reality in such a way where you actually feel like you can have some connection with something other than you. But in the end it's only you. Increased interest in the ability to surrender. Increased open mindedness in what I need to surrender to in order to discover truth. Starting to get deeper into wonder about what reality is. Noticing more contentment with what is. Noticing more fascination with the seemingly mundane. I realize I need to be very centered to follow my intuitions Found it quite difficult to consistently Focus while on that trip, so I'm interested in what a research chemical would be like. ??? Questions ¿¿¿ Is it proper to contemplate differently while trying to feel and experience the deeper existential aspects of reality? Stuff that's beyond logic? For example, for the entire trip on inquiring into intuition, I didn't want to contemplate it logically at all, but rather just wanted to experience what came up when I asked the question. How did my trip go? Thoughts?

From the beginning, I treated psychedelics like a vial of nitroglycerin. I was VERY scared of psychedelics. Ever since my first trip I got intimate with fear. I had a MASSIVE amount of fear of just taking a 1g shroom tea. As I learned how to work through this fear it has proved to be vital in my understanding that will aid in my future trips. Fear is something to be understood. I knew that I had to work through this fear in order to get to these higher levels of understanding. I didn't listen to any music throughout the trip, only the first 3 songs in the beginning to boost my state. I sat in the same spot in the entire trip, only getting up to go to the washroom. There was actually a point in the tip where there was literally over a hundred physical birds gathering around a small apple tree that we had in the backyard. It was like a snow white moment or something. A lot of times in the trip, to sway my experience into the positive direction, I verbally said "That's beautiful, and THAT'S beautiful, and that's beautiful!" I said a lot of deep shit in this report, but looking back at it now, with my new depth of understanding now, I had NO idea how deep the iceberg was that I was standing on. My system is extremely sensitive, the visuals that I got on 1g, other people would need 3g. With every consciousness altering substance I take, I get everything: The body high, The mind high and The Visuals. So every time I look into a new psychedelic, I make sure I look at all of the visuals, body effects, and cognitive effects, because I know that I will get them all.

Here's my current understanding. Because the illusion is total. That's the mind fuck! You will never stop dreaming a perfectly coherent reality. An illusion, by definition, is something that you do not know is an illusion, it has you completely fooled! An illusion so perfect that you believe it's real. Just think of this, if you started noticing glitches in reality you would be a lot more suspicious about what reality actually is. But the illusion is so perfect that there is never a single glitch for you to notice. Zoom infinitely into reality and zoom infinitely out of reality and you'll still find more reality, but none of it causes the other, that's all imagined story.

Lean into it. Personally, my Fear of death has pushed me far into this work for Understanding what reality is.

@Leo Gura Whoops, how badly did I fuck up?

Imagine believing you can slice reality in such an autistic/systematizer way. ~~~~ Reality is not binary like this. Contemplate: Exactly what point is mastery achieved? Open your mind to the possibility that mastery is something held in the perspective of an individual. Mastery in one's eyes is not Mastery in the next. You can practice for 10000 hours and still be dogshit at something, because you weren't implementing a proper practice routine that was challenging you. A practice routine needs to be designed in such a way that you put your full conscious effort into the routine such that it feels like a workout and it stretches you a little bit every time. Forget about trying to track the hours, just focus on figuring out a practice routine that you can enjoy putting countless hours into. Falling in love with the practice itself. The painter paints because he likes to paint, not because he likes to make pretty pictures.

At last my dreams can come true! I love older women!