Arcanus

I would like to grow together and bond closer through shared spiritual practice. I know he would appreciate this too, so that aspect is not something I need to convince him of whatsoever. I love and respect who he is and am not relying on him becoming a different person entirely or anything like that

I'm a spiritual person, my partner less so. He is however philosophical and romantic and open to the idea of developing his spiritual side as well as motivated for self improvement in general. What kind of practices would you suggest that we could begin together, or topics that we could discuss to get the ball rolling? I don't want to thrust him into the deep end immediately and turn him off to the idea entirely. As a relevant side-note, it won't help to link me any of Leo's videos either. He's not really the type to enjoy listening to other people's lectures, and if anything it's be better for me to introduce any ideas to him directly using my own words. I've been open about my own beliefs (oneness and inner godhood and such). He respects them and finds my spirituality attractive, but doesn't necessarily relate to those kinds of thoughts himself. He is also very health conscious and hesitant to try any kind of drugs or psychedelics. He is into general supplement use, so it could become a curiosity that could build overtime but for now he associates such things with trashy behaviour and it doesn't help his impression that I've gone off the rails on mdma with an ex in the past. So I feel like it's a very volatile topic to push on him. What would you suggest?

As a girl, I've actually been in this situation when I was younger, perhaps at around 15 years old. I was wearing a shirt that was in no way immodest, but it was quite loose and when I leaned over, I accidentally flashed two male classmates of mine who were sitting in front of me. I was wearing a bra, but even that could've been a little too big for me, so I'm not sure exactly how much they saw. They seemed really happy albeit a little awkward about the whole thing, which made me feel extra embarrassed. Like I'd accidentally given them a proper show that they were still reveling in. They made no attempt to hide that they'd just seen too much, so I felt really humiliated. While I'm no longer disturbed by this event, clearly it has stuck to my mind. And honestly I do think it would have made me feel better back then if they apologized to me, even if I knew they didn't really do anything wrong, outside of having a smug attitude about it afterwards. Their apology would have made me feel less at fault and less like an idiot for accidentally flashing them. Her reaction was out of line but it was likely out of pure embarrassment. Ironically she should feel equally embarrassed for her violence now. It's hard to say how obvious or impolite your ogling was. It's human nature to look in a situation like that. That said, it is of course preferable and more polite not to stare. Apologizing to her will probably mend your relationship a little, but it may also make her feel justified in her overly aggressive response. You said you think you may have deserved it. That's debatable but you should do whatever eases your mind.

Can you elaborate on this part of your comment? Hah, if only I was the only person giving it power... I mean, I understand that in a sense that's definitely case. However, I used to be emotionally resilient and able to talk myself out of negative self talk. Not so much any longer when after so much verbal abuse in my relationships. Then again, I know I taught these people how to treat me. I am slowly trying to build myself back up again, this time with solid footing instead of overt pride or self-delusion. I know that confidence will have a much larger impact on my life beyond just the thoughts I have of myself inside my own head. Regardless, I really appreciate your comment and its message. The thought of fulfilling my own redemption arc is what keeps me going. @JosephKnecht Thank you for the video! I do realize how narcissistic my self-pitying tends to be but it's always good to get a reminder. And yes, I looked into more of his work and it seems very helpful. I'll likely read his book about letting go. @Brittany Thank you (: But even if all the things you said are true, they are difficult truths to apply practically when I'm in an emotional place or my thoughts are spiraling. Often times it's hard to even feel like I deserve to let go of these feelings. Like even if I could talk myself out of them, rationally or spiritually, I shouldn't. At the same time I'm aware that this undeservingness is likely just another lie that I've tied to my identity.

Uh huh, and this is how most relationships are and what all of my past ones have been. In good moods they feel like learning experiences, in bad moods it's hard to see them as anything but mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, any outcome is "ok". However, as I said in a previous post, I would like to start a family soon... And of course I'm attracted to thoughts of growing old together, facing life together and all that. I know it's a sunk cost fallacy, but there's also a part of me that believes that if this relationship doesn't work out, I didn't just waste this past year we've been together, but also the 7 years before it that I spent mentally longing after this person. But yes, I have grown a lot in this past year and while it's been painful, it's felt very crucial to the rest of my life. Yes, there's certainly that fear there. But you're right. It feels much easier to even just exist in this relationship, let alone be unconditionally both loving and honest, in moments where I let go of that fear and accept that any outcome is ultimately the one that's meant to be. (: This is very true. I'll remind myself more of this during our future moments together, thank you. I fully agree with all this and it's something that's usually very easy to feel without giving it a second thought. Never before have I struggled with this kind of criticism and doubt towards the novelty of my own love or someone else's. It's strange, especially since in my heart I know how special and different everything is no matter what. At the same time, it's been a truly rude awakening having looked at things critically. I think it's good to be aware of ones own bullshit and this time it's been hard not to let it taint everything else. I know novelty, purity or taintedness are in many ways imaginary concepts, but they are thoughts I've struggled with for a long time and often times it feels like letting go of those struggles would be self-denial or somehow undeserved. Yes, that most certainly is the reason. It feels very twisted and ironic to me that we originally connected beautifully years ago because of our darker nature and intensity, but then those two things bite us in the ass when we're actually trying to date and get over our past partners. I'm actually very much in resistance to my past, or past self. In wiser states of mind I know what I need to simply accept and let go of, but this kind of regret and self-loathing is pretty much the main crux of my life. I wrote another post about it on this forum where I go into more detail. But yeah, I have tried to separate from that self, from that past, to bury it and overwrite it. Sigh. Ridiculously enough I know my best days are when I just own it with humility. Regardless, like @Leo Gura said, I believe you can build love with anyone. Maybe it's very challenging with this person right now, but it hasn't always been that way, and we feel confident that it won't be forever. My man and I have flown from one flower to another all our lives and at this point we just want to lock each other in. We want something permanent, we want a family and we absolutely love each other deeply at the core level. Our love may be insecure or possessive right now but we've chosen to work through it, even if it means... brute forcing through the past. Thank you for the well wishes and taking the time to comment.

I am not offended by the harshness, however I don't find the advice particularly helpful. I know I want to be with this person and work on our relationship. First of all, you seem to believe the common saying about "Once a cheater, always a cheater", or at least suggest I live by it. You state that this man will cheat on me with ridiculous certainty. People do grow and change and I can attest to that personally as well when it comes to my own past faithfulness or lack thereof vs who I am today. Ironically you actually misunderstood (or misread, or didn't read very carefully) that I probably feel special, but I actually struggle to feel special to him, just like he struggles to feel special to me. Despite this, rationally I know we are special to one another. That is what this thread is about. How to make each other feel special despite our large past partner count, knowing that we've already used all our favorite romantic moves multiple times on other people. We don't want to feel like we are just copypasting our romantic habits from past relationships. We are of agreement that we need to grow as people so we have more to give than we ever have before. Sometimes it just feels like it isn't happening fast enough, or that I'm not sure which way to best go about it. I suppose some sort of temporary separation could be an obvious suggestion, but we feel adamant on working on it together. Besides, simply leaving and possibly taking years to oneself isn't really realistic advice if I dream of starting a family in the near upcoming years.

Like many others, I had a period of self-exploration and excessive hedonism in my early twenties. I've always called myself a spiritual person with ambitious ideals, but truthfully I was never very principled. I'm a sexual person, and possibly due to underlying self-hatred and shame stemming from childhood, rather masochistic. This combination of traits has lead to some unhealthy relationships, and perhaps as a results I sometimes I feel like I became more and more spineless and hypocritical over the years. I have always struggled with my self-perception when it comes to shame and purity (or rather lack there-of in my case). I've always felt dirty and culpable, which in a way has been a self-fulfilling prophecy in how I've behaved in relationships. For a long time I would cope with this by seemingly embracing this "darker side" to myself. However, in the recent years I have realized that I was never really able to feel proud about myself, which has led me to want to change. Recently I've been critically reading my old chat logs and journals and have had to face the fact that I've been extremely low-conscious in my past behavior, even more so than I ever admitted to myself before. I feel embarrassed about my past self-delusions. Despite always seeing myself as a spiritual and philosophically inclined person, I've acted trashy, sleazy, shameless and unrestrained. My relationships have been centered around sex and self-deception. Thinking about all these things makes me feel so dirty and defective. I want to be better, and perhaps I am better now. I believe that I am, but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm ashamed of people having known the past me. I feel like I can't trust myself. I have generally been an optimistic and confident person in my life but lately I just feel tainted and beyond repair. I know these thoughts aren't constructive but I don't know how to let go of them.

My boyfriend and I have both been intense lovers to multiple past partners. I was guy-obsessed and he was girl-obsessed. We've put our partners on pedestals and promised the world to them, and meant it. Of course, those promises had expiration dates and there is nothing left of those relationships now except remorse. We are both idealistic and have always craved that true soulmate/twinflame love. So that's what we would call a lot of our past relationships. You always think the one you're with is the one, you know how it goes. In my case, there has always been a heavy dose of self-deception involved. The truth is that I fell in love with the man I'm with now years ago, and never got over him. Yet I continued to date others because he was unavailable and married throughout this time. So I searched for him in every man I came across, and tried to create the relationship I always wanted with him, with others. Meanwhile, I was originally just an extramarital fling to him, but he had a fling with many other girls too. He was always a womanizer, who failed to kick the habit even in his marriage (until later). His marriage did eventually end however, and this time we ended up together. We went in and out of contact throughout the years we were with others, and would share details about those experiences with each other. I used to be very sex-focused in my partner-search, so most of my relationships had some sort of a bdsm element to them. I have always wanted to look up to someone, so that's what I did, even if it meant bowing to someone undeserving. Cringe. He on the other hand has always been very fatherly and dominant. So his relationships were of similar nature, but on the reverse side of the coin. You would think the story would end well with us ending up together after all the years, but it's been a real struggle. He is the man I always dreamed about and fantasized about, romantically, sexually, intellectually, spiritually. He recognizes that he should have chosen to be with me way back when. Yet, we struggle to make each other feel special. We struggle to respect each others love. We've tortured ourselves by reading each others old chat logs, journal entries etc, as an attempt to accept each other fully. But it's only making us realize how hypocritical our love is and has been, and how we simply recycle the same words, delusions and proclamations with everyone. What is left after all the romantic words and promises have been used? That has always been the main love language for both of us but now every word feels hollow and difficult to take seriously. I insist that he is the only one who ever mattered but it doesn't reach him, and I can't even blame him for it, no matter how intense my feelings are. It often feels like the only way to prove that our love means something anymore is to stick with each other till the end of our lives, unlike we have with anyone else, no matter how bad things are. But it would be nice to make each other feel loved before then. Instead it feels like the universe is laughing at us, saying this is what you get for your promiscuity.