5-D - L O V E

The closest thing to an enlightenment experience being captured in a movie, had me by complete surprise and I couldn't believe how good of an experience I was having watching a movie, haven't had that since TLOTR or something (lol). It showed me how expressive the medium of film can be when done right, and how much there is still to explore.

Good and bad are ultimately constructs, there is such a thing as Good actions that lead to good outcomes and bad actions that lead to bad outcomes, but it's all contextual and relative. Overcompensation (mostly in terms of relationships, dating and achieving things i.e being an overachiever). Following lust and limerence as Absolutes in the service of love while still keeping everything truthful and in integrity. Pursuing power as the will to actually DO things, whether its production, work, personal goals... Becoming narssistic as a means to cut through all the bullshit that gets thrown around, basically keeping my own energies grounded. ... Now, the spiritual pursuits have led to some realizations about all these things, but my embodiment of it all still falls short. Now how does one go about things as directly as I stated above without it being a fabrication through self brainwashing, spirituality is not the answer in my case, neither is "normal life" and just going with it all. And I can't keep lying to myself about me not having these desires or that I wanna let it all go and free myself completely... I ultimately see that kind of of absolute freedom as chains, in a way similar to marriage (forgive the analogy) but I have an issue with that too, like I desire a family but I see myself as someone who hasn't lived through his youth, so the possibility of becoming an eternal teenager is as alluring to me. Sorry if I'm mixing many things at once in what seems a haphazard way, but I'm just letting my subconscious express itself so I and anyone reading can have a better insight into my how my ego functions.

To keep what could be a very long post shorter, I'm gonna abridge through many topics and issues, but I'll try to retain the most relevent pieces hoping anyone reading can piece enough together to get the full picture. So basically, I've been in the same spot in life for the past 2/3 years. And I feel like I'm missing the things that would allow me to break this blockage and further advance in my journey. The issue: I wake up everyday from sleep (if I can get any) with the same intense feelings, knots and thought patterns that shut me up from doing any meaningful productive activity from the get go, no matter what I seem to do to counteract them (meditation, exercice, working on my purpose, getting on with a routine, not doing anything and just loving myself unconditionally allowing myself to be a couch potato...) The deep underlying root cause: What I identified from being and living from this state for quite a while, and for a greater length althrough my life (not being fully conscious of it) is that I can't get myself to love myself fully, and that goes back to me never being loved/confirmed fully externally whether it's from friends, family or past lovers. The point I'm at right now is that I know I need to forgive myself but I can't get myself to do it knowing (at some relative level atleast) that I can't and don't want to live without a certain amount of external love/validation (dual/"illusion"/"unawakened") style. Having thought about it for countless hours, I know that "humaning", "bonding", "relatedness" and "empathy" are all constructions that are best developed "unconsciously" and "naturally", not having had the luxury to do that, I took some decisions early on that set me up for the greatest realizations but at the same time allowed me to side step the issues at hand, but in a counter intuitive fashion, I have a deeper understanding and embodiment of the human qualities I listed compared to most my peers, but still, inside I still feel energetically lacking and incomplete. A metaphor that might help: Most people grow in some form of a limited paradise, then they lose it in time with the heartbreaks of life as they get older. Now, imagine growing up in a environment so broken that you had to derive the simplest things from scartch since childhood constantly struggling, only to have the blows take on a massive proportion as you get older, and as "the stakes got higher". It's easier to have the will to go looking for paradise if you have a latent taste of it and that it can be achieved and secured to some extent. Personally, I can't not doubt things, I can't just be chill about things and not running to the worst in my mind all the time. Energetically and within my body, I could never afford geniuenly feeling secure and at home with things. So, altough I know the absolute goodness of god, I'm more doubtfull than most egos... What absolutely worked so far: There are things which I proactively persued that have given me the most in life, Music: I consider myself a very accomplished musician, and it is my main LP, and I more or less know this for about 10 years now, but being in my energetic state, I could never allow myself to fully follow it completely to fruition without sabotage at some point, or if I'm sure I won't sabotage I can't get myself to gather the resources necessary to produce what I want to produce... Physics/programming: The ying to the artistical yang, don't want to touch it for now though. Psychedelics/Spirituality/Being: multiple facets of awakening; emotional/energetic releases, mystical states, non dual experiences, Love, God, Self, Truth, Structure of being/net of life... Movement: Being in the body, stretching/mobility work, dance/free movement, hatha yoga, fractal energetic yoga/tai chi, calisthenics. Retreats/workshops/seminars/festivals/concerts/adventure. Work: a lot of volunteering/service. Love: Maybe the deepest of all experiences; basically meeting a soulmate/twin flame, having the deepest experience of love, but it being only platonic and never going physical, for reasons that may be too complicated to state in a short fashion. What didn't work: Everything that worked, in the sense that with anything I do, nothing feels to go to a sense of completion, a satisfying resolution that would fill the pieces that feel missing. Taking things peronally: There are basically two themes at play in the general arc of my life. Things I love, what I'm awesome at, my deepest achievements, my personal truth: these are the things I know absolutely, experiences I validated for myself, by myself for my own growth, not necessarily percievable by a "broader audience" (many times hardly by anyone but myself). But this is what kicks my juices, my happiness, my purpose, my flow. Then, there are the not so awesome things, my failures and faillings, things I can't forgive myself or others for, not having succeeded not for lack of skill but because of feelings of unworthiness and self loathing because of that goddamn " I never belonged, my friends don't really love me.. if they did they would've helped me... " and "if she did love me she would've done things differently... she would've freed me instead of adding to the confusion..." The second theme is basically acceptance and forgiveness. The current tangible situation: Due to reality being reality (lol) I'm finding myself at a peculiar situation, I have almost nothing going on for me, and I literally can't summon the energy to do anything about it. I feel entitled towards reality, that somehow I deserve more and better. I'm basically hoping for a geniune miracle, and that things don't just go to shit. Meanwhile I'm feeling about absolutely every feeling I can feel and nothing at the same time. Going meta: Unless I'm missing something blatenly obvious here. As pitty as my issues can seem to appear, I think they are the biggest set of problems one can have, this is basically what's holding god from fully knowing and embodying itself. And deep issues require deep solutions, I'm intuiting there can be two solutions (as far as my short sided ego sight can see): To miraculously find love, no matter what its form, just being graced by love (mind you, not the Eckhart Tolle kind of love, still trying to please the ego here). Or, to radically recontextualize this in a way I can truly believe and act on, and getting myself up by the bootsraps over time. Since only the latter solution is in my direct line of action, how does one go about absolutely shifting his POV. Bonus inquiry: I know some people in my life who just by the sheer belief of them absolutely deserving something, they can go about manifesting it. In the solutions I cited above, these people would naturally go towards the first one, they would "miraculously" manifest whatever their ego desires. I know, I can do the same, but my range of possibility is limited by my beliefs, the question is how would one go about fundametally changing those beliefs in a BEING sense.

I think I'm aiming at a different finality, I always considered myself as living in the extremes, and this applies to "common wisdom" too, trying to release the pain and grief didn't work, as much as I've tried in the past, so I've came to the conclusion that I should simply overcompensate when it comes to my unmet needs instead of going with a more classical form of love, I've been denied intimacy so much that I feel that no amount of love any woman can give is able to heal me, same goes with me healing myself internally, so the more time goes, the more the intuition that Ego is as much Truth, Godly as anything else feels True, so it should honored as such. Basically, I feel that any advice given by any school of thought (be it spiritual, from healing resources, "the dark intellectual web", the manosphere, and ultimately Actualized.org) doesn't apply in my case, in a counter intuitive/reversed fashion. If I go with my deepest truth, I should seek more narcissism, "elevation", ego confidance and self confirmation, JUST so I can feel in a neutral state compared with how I feel and believe people generally are. Humanity has no idea how deep darkness and the shadow goes and can manifest itself, and the causes are all tiny details that compound in a butterfly effect kind of way. And it is because of this lack of knowledge in general when it comes to this that there doesn't exist effective healing modalities, psychedelics aside (and even that has its limits...), so what's left is God, and God is mostly speaking to my ego as my ego in service of the ego, but my ego ultimately feels lacking, weak and limited.

The ultimate hack for self confidance, and the most effictive source of grounding for the ego in my own experience is construct awareness, embodying construct awareness energetically, and having a deep inner knowing of the infinite source which is God and ultimately you can get you through many things, both in dealing with the negatives and allowing the positives to flourish. A theme that goes hand in hand with self confidance is your ultimate alignment, asking the question "Am I moving in the direction of light". WAY harder said than actually embodied, but it is a core pillar of grounding "bigger" energies. In it's ultimate form, complete alignment to god would make you a saint, a person that has interated everything and sees and feels everything as the self in absolute compassion, think Thich Nhat Hanh, the Dalai Lama, Jesus... they are all embodying a greater power, but their "confidance"/Will comes as much from their ultimate devotion to Goodness, God. I deeply believe that this choice is not for everyone and can't be forced (and nothing good can come from forcing it), so it's all about taking responsibility for the good you can provide in the radius you can afford.

Unfortunatly, such groups don't exist where I live, a strong group of friends would help, but not my actual ones. I don't even trust or feel I understand the concept and being of "friendship", so I have some issues with that, in the sense that most of my friends don't see or recognize my full potential because of me failling to manifest it, but I see that as more them not believing in their own potential and capacities and what some of them can ultimately do. So there's a projection happening there, and I questioned it all the time, so it's not this set belief in my mind that my friends ultimately bring down (even though it's unconscious from their part).

I feel like I have gone through the therapy naturally through the integration of various mystical experiences I've had, and also deep life experiences. The self therapy is just allowing the observer, consciousness to feel and hear every "sub ego"/fragment and allowing the space for it to exist, be recognized and have it have it's fundamental need met (or atleast, start going in that direction if it's a long term goal). It's about a deeper form of healing I haven't found so far... I've tried things like "A course in miracles", Paul Chek's healing sessions, even just sitting through the pain in meditation doesn't "stick" once I'm done with the meditation, sometimes even during the meditation I feel like I'm bullshitting myself at some aspect if that makes sense. What I need is more power to act through (we can also refer to this as Will), to be confirmed in energetic terms, not through self talk, meditation, journaling... because all these methods only work up to a certain depth, then everything falls.

My life's biggest issue has always been feeling unloved because of the total absense of physical contact with others all throught my life. This has obviously been the catalyst in "me" reaching my highest highs but also my lowest lows. I fancy myself as being God realized, and my enlightnement is pretty solid, BUT, there is one feeling/aspect of my reality that I can't still change for the life of me, and that's to have a human to human physical connection/relationship, I've had platonic relationships which went as deep as Love goes, I've also experienced raw uncoditional divine Love in many occasions, but nothing of what I seem to do (or not do) can get me what I feel I truely need to heal, which is geniune physical affection. I feel descently about myself as a human, I mostly love myself when I'm not lost, I've been as vulnerable as I can be, I've approached and tried with more women than any of my male peers, I have solid game, I am a solid person, I consider myself to be quite attractive (on a good day), I am intersting, open minded, talented, smart (and the qualities I have I didn't even devellop consciously as part of my "game arsenal"..) but still. I can geniunly feel/understand incels (being one technically) and anyone in the "manosphere" but I still see through the bullshit of it all, conceptually and intellectually I am "above" all those beliefs, but I symphatise with how crippling it can be for anyone who couldn't explore attraction/sexuality in their teens early twenties and feel now stuck. Sometimes, I feel I need a miracle for this to sort out. Not knowing how to ask God for things (that's still one of the things I'm working on) I don't know how to get such a miracle consciously. How should I go about this knowing that I feel denied beyond repair (I know I denied myself those experiences) But I still can't fully forgive myself even when I try and I can't seem to consciously be able to change the situation...

@Kshantivadin I really appreciate the care to help today I had an epiphany as I was approaching a girl, before I crossed the street to go talk to her, I saw she had earpieces on, usually this is one of those things that can set me off in a spiral of approach anxiety but I was so focused that I saw myself getting agitated internally and getting anxious/tense, I just had to feel it fully for 2 seconds to know that I had the choice then & there to "erase" those feelings and just go into the playfull mood I was in just seconds ago, and it just worked! I had a solid approach all throught because I didn't go in with a defeatist mindset, but in openess and trust that she might like or reject me, but it doesn't matter the slightest what the outcome is, what's of importance is to overcome myself and get better with time and practice To sum things up, within a week, I see atleast one girl that I find geniunly attractive, and a few that I might be interested to just talk or interact with, so I'll just have to find a way to make myself accountable for approaching all these girls I might regret otherwise, not forcing myself into "game" as in doing X number of sets per night out or anything of the sort because those end up to feel forced and needy to my taste.

@Leo Gura Yes, sometimes we just need to put into practice whatever degree we have in the art of the obvious, today I opened a hot girl on the street, had a solid interaction, we talked for about 10mins, got each other instagram... It just felt automatic and natural and I was quite in flow I was gonna argue, but I'll just nod for you calling me out and putting my ego into check.

@SamC Not in the near future, plus I feel that if I can't fulfill some aspect of reality here, it doesn't matter doing it somewhere else. I will always feel lacking. The way I frame it is not even about getting laid, or love, or connection, but the overlying psychology of it all, how I couldn't adapt to reality the way it is, and the huge amount of regret and resentment I carry. @Kshantivadin Probably, but every time I opened up about this I just experienced frustration because of the lack of understanding of anyone I approached this with, people always see things through their own skewed and biased experience and nobody is willing to open up to the degree necessary for understanding and true compassion, so I stopped asking for both.

In a way I experience it as systemic and twisted and I can't break out of it. I feel too "broken" to even go out or try, and this feeling has been going on for months. Everytime I go out to try anything I end up returning more broken, I live in a broken dogmatic society where sexuality for its own sake is repressed, shadowy and "wrong" in the eyes of the collective, yet most people go on with it just in twisted ways, you basically can't date if you don't intend "serious" outcomes (i.e marriage) and women who are active sexually I feel never go for the adventure unless it involves money and cars (sorry to be this blunt and I know how I may appear to anyone reading this, but it's just what it is). The case I desire to fall into, which is "raw attraction" and just acting out of it I feel I have missed on, since I know that people in a certain age are explorative but all women my age I feel are too blinded by their desire and need to find a provider and keep him. The country/society I live in is notorious for its sexuality problems and everybody acknowledges it, but when it comes to practicality nobody is transcending any of the factors we need to transcend to overcome these issues (religion, dogma, marriage as an absolute, inherent sin in promescuity and sex...)

Before I started taking enlightenment work seriously around 2017 I had a huge delay in almost everything material related compared to my "peers" This is one of the reasons I pursued this work so ardently, I basically believed that anyone who had something going on was enlightened in some way for that thing to work, since I always saw beyond people's justifications on how things worked out for them: basically people take credit for good things and disown the bad results while I saw that everything is context, everything is God's will... So with that in mind I decided to go for full enlightenment first and foremost in order to manifest this dream the way I always intuited it can be. Fast forward to now, after all the ego deaths and consciousness exapnsion to include everything and all that good stuff, I (ego me) turned out to be the ultimate loser, if anything I feel that pure consciousness aside, I am worst off than the place I started, and I feel way too bitter and broken about it, to the point where I feel like no matter what happens, "this" cannot even be recontextualized... I'm afraid I wont ever turn out to be happy, content, or winning. I am full of bitterness, apathy, desires for revenge... and all the consciousness I used to tap into is now fully gone, it's just ego, I understand now what "devil" means, what falling from grace is all about. BUT, knowing things in the way I do now, I know that this too IS God, but I just can't grow from it, I'm also too conscious to just go back into "ordinary existance" and climb my way up the ordinary way, so what I basically concluded after all the pain is that existance (for me) is me realizing that the universe exists for me to fulfill my ego's desires, but for that to happen I literally need a miracle, the question is now how would one go about that? How would one manifest a miracle for the greater good of one's ego? This inquiry may seem like a joke to many people here who believe that this is all unspiritual and that I'm full of shit, but it is what it is. To me, Ego, Self, God and Consciousness are (still) synonimous and I can't differentiate between the them. So I believe it is a geniune desire of god to win through little limited me; OR; It is my geniune desire to win THE WAY I WANNA WIN in order to fall back in love with existance. Can this be done? Deep down I know it can totally be done, and sometimes I even intuit that it's EASY, but from the limited place I am in, it feels like it's too much to carry and I just go into lethargy blaming myself (as God) How does one go about reversing this basically? has anyone dealt with this? I have the intuition that Leo has gone (is going) through similar things but I feel that he just focuses too much on one side of the equation without going too much into detail about things like shadow work, ego validation, the necessity of selfishness in love... To summerize things, my ultimate question through this post is this: How does one take FULL control/lucidity of reality? How does one take reality's power in order to serve one's ego?

I am aware with the immense feeling of both entitelment and resentment towards reality. Because of this "never feel like I'm winning" thing, especially when I start comparing myself to people who sometimes do less effort and concerned to a lesser degree with things and that do way better, it can't but feel all the jealousy, which in turn feeds into the negative mental loop..

Contradictions and paradoxes are many when it comes to this issue (from my perspective), maybe they appear as so because I haven't resolution within. But the main issue that unfolds for me after things which try to diminish the ego's role is this, whenever I pursue spirituality (especially lately) it makes me go into a lethargic state, and I become almost averse to dying, self abandon (physical and mental) and things of this sort. When I look for the desire to live and do things, it all stems from ego (relatively speaking), the issue there is that I feel like I have never won as the ego, it is in this sense that I'm looking for a resolution, not absolute control (I know that's impossible) but something that makes me feel like reality/god loves me (as the ego).

I would love if @Leo Gura or someone which has had some profound kind of awakening or insight on the topic to give us a clear and somewhat "concrete" definition of Heaven. Is it EXACTLY the same manifestation of God as Enlightenment, or is it some degree of enlightenment actualized and integrated into one's psyche to acheive their desired outcome (assuming they are aligned with God/Absolute Reality). What confuses me is that I have what seem to be many backdrop stories and narratives about what "Heaven" is, going from the "Good life", to "Spiritual realization and fulfilment (without forcibly having it "good" in life), to being absolute God realized (which is some kind of fantasy that I haven't fully integrated) meaning I can do things "magically" i.e in total flow as long as they are in alignment and that I work towards it. All of those projections fall short when they are put against some core spiritual truths like detachment, patience (things blooming in their right order in time and energy), karma... for example if we take Heaven to mean being God realized (according to the fantasy I have which may or may not be true) then how does it integrate with detachment, like how can I manifest WHAT I (ego/self) WANT when heaven is also total detachment (in another interpretation). The second point which I still have no clear idea about as when this whole process of self nquiry started many years ago is what happens after "physical death", I had many profound awakenings into the nature of Karma, the absolute balance of all energies in the universe, duality, incarnation and re-incarnation, the layers of Reality and Self... And they used to explain a lot of my reality and inner truths, but the more time goes the more I believe that there is NOTHING after death, going into absolute consciousness can totally dissolve ALL current energies, like it creates them continually giving birth to this experience. But I can't know anything for sure, I might be completely wrong and there can be ANOTHER form of dualistic experience (maybe less or more dense than the actual one) depending on the person's karma and that also is logical to my mind and makes sense to me experientially, I'm sure I'm missing something important through this whole inquiry and can't seem to grasp it, has anyone gotten through such patterns of thinking and actually reconciled them ? can it be done ?

I have that experience but it feels very limited, partial and out of my control. I'm not in the hell I was once in, but I'm still fully not ON IT (forget heaven, for me it's about feeling powerful as a man which is something that has plagued me for most of my life). For most of my peers it's a given, given their upringing and context, but for me I can't seem to manifest it for the life of me, and I know I'm being conditional and I may even sound childish taking a thread about Heaven and making it about me feeling like my ego belongs here, but that's it for me, I can't deny my experience anymore.

@Leo Gura Let's say you find heaven in the absolute sense and you realize that you maybe weren't not fully ready for it, in other words your ego continues resisting giving itself into just pure being, I feel like that, and honestly I'm still dealing with the same issue for months, it feels like I was pushed through my life to seek past materialism and duality from early on (meaning I missed on most of teenagehood and early adulthood), and somewhat I still can't "forgive" myself that, I can't recontextualize it as being the "higher good" anymore (that feels like me bullshiting myself, although I know it's all far from true). I feel like if I just went on seeking regular experiences and not being so critical and iquisitive... I wouldn't feel the lack that can't seem to be refilled now, which is what my ego refers to as "lack of innocence", like "yeah I see the necessity of (maybe?) me going out and seeking money, sex, travel and whatever other experieces my ego wants", but it feels it wouldn't be the same knowing all what I know now, like I know much, and I can't be in flow doing that, I can't "believe" in dating, working for money.. and I also know that this in itself is me sabotaging myself and not taking care of myself and loving myself. But these energies seem to always get the best of me, no matter how conscious I become. And when I get that feeling that I should transform my past into something way greater than material satisfaction/revenge?, I still feel like I need to go through what I'm missing on life, it's a loop within a loop and I can't seem to get out with what I know. I feel like I need to know something which is so simple and plain that I'm completely missing, and I guess it has to do with me realizing God consciousness and being ON MY PATH but I feel like I haven't advanced a bit (which is also not true... I see the way I made) but I haven't advanced that much when it comes to (ego) confidence, manifestation, being unapologetic and just not giving a fuck about people (basically, I feel like I can't fully integrate masculine power and that it's the main source of all my current earthly problems).

A good logical definition is the oath we all know "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth". If we split this statement into the logical expressions it contains we get these three logical statements: Tell Truth; What I'm gonna say IS "true" (whatever that means). the whole truth; which means I'm not hide or ommit any part of the "truth". Nothing but the truth can be seen logically as Only the truth; All the things I'm gonna say are true statements, meaning there aren't any hidden false statements within my phrases. Following this framework you can see that a lot of lies are simply a twisting of the truth according to one of two axes: omission of truth or addage of lies. But if you go meta with this you can see that we only tell/think what is untrue only to ommit a part of reality which is hard to take in as it is or to change to fit a given narrative. So the fallacy is that there is no fallacy and everything is true, it just happens that sometimes that truth get transformed through our minds (consciously or unconsciously) and it cascades into the birth of lies.

In many of my meditations I arrive at the same simple conclusion, that God and Ego are ultimately one in the same, and that all attempts of me purifying my ego (purity according to some third party ideal; "spiritual", philosophical, moral..) are a form of self-deception and that me being as raw and crude as I can be as long as it is honest and conscious would be the fastest way to the embodiment of enlightenment. Any thoughts on this idea?

I think that any person's list of important skills will reflect their life ambitions, it was intellectualy stimulating to think about these as the set of skills I need to reach my life purpose, so thank you for this thread, as for my personal list goes: Wisdom and Disernment. The ability to match intent with action. Mastery (as a meta-discipline). Presence and grounding in the here and now. Reflection, Self Inquiry and Meditation. The ability to love self and other, and ultimately dissolving the distinction between the two and staying with just pure love. Discipline (doing what needs to be done regardless of emotional state). Choice making (and seeing that life is made out of choices whether they are made consciously or unconsciously). Lightness of spirit - Humour - Not taking life too seriously (these stem from a healthy discipline of detachment). Strategic thinking. The ability to visualize, imagine and dream. Survival as an art in itself and not just "merely getting by on a day to day basis". And last and not least, I had to edit my post because I had forgot this one and I think it's of most valuable importance, Story telling. Because what are we doing constantly but telling stories (to ourselves and to the world).

Okay I acknoledge that I'm having a distorted and skewed vision of reality. And that actually my logic and feelings towards this matter are mostly emerging from a place of lack and neediness (in the most general sense) in my ego. I'm starting to understand the amount and quality of shadow work and meditation I need to do to transcend this. But still (I know that the following question still stems from the same initial part of my ego, but I feel like I need to have a deeper understanding of this for my own integration), how worthy is it (from an overall "wellbeing" sense) to chase and go towards ego driven goals ? and why some people seem to do it with way more ease than others ? (or is this later question also a mis-interpretation of events maybe? )

This is a follow up to my last post on this sub forum "Ego is god" and I wanna make it clear that this is just not me playing devil's advocate (literally in this case) but that it stems from a genuine need of getting understanding on this issue, since all my current frameworks seem to be obsolete when dealing with this issue. First thing I feel I should point out is that no one can "guess" any other person's spiritual progress, so anyone reading this post should trust in the data I'm giving as being the most precise representation of truth I can give (or atleast, as I see it from my limited point of view). Now, the issues I'm facing seem to be very simple on a first glance, but the more I dig into them, the fuzzier and more confusing it gets. My spiritual journey started in my teens, and reality has made it so that I can make huge leaps into the nature of God with much more ease than the average person (let's say that's I've been lucky/gifted spiritually), I've realized/derived many facets of God at a young age, which made it that I "bypass" many material desires (mainly regarding sexuality) and disgard that as being of secord or third order importance, first order importance being always given to the big existential questions/quests/truths. I was never consciously repressing that but it wasn't important. In the last few years (with the help of psychedelics and Leo's teachings mainly) I have put my spiritual journey into overdrive, (and this where you have to take me into faith) I've come full circle many times, I've lost the count on how many dark nights I've been through, or how many ego backlashes I've dealt with, or how many facets of Truths I've came to realize (genuinly). But for the last months I seem to be hitting a solid brick wall, a dead end I can't seem to transcend, which is this; I percieve all my past recontextualizations (the very readings that pushed me towards spirituality) as lies (which I know is a lie in of itself) but I can't help but think that my most honest desire right now is to just live from the ego, and to follow my ego's desires/wants/needs and this arose because no matter how progress I seem to make spiritually, the material aspect of life keeps lurking at me, and I feel like I'm heading AWAY from healing, put in other words, my starting motivation that "Love/Truth shall set me free" or that "Truth holds the biggest healing power" doesn't seem to work, I have healed in many ways and I'm overall thankful for my life, but I can't get over simple things, I can't deal with certain regrets and I feel like it is nourishing a tremendous amount of resentment and anger. I don't know what to make of any of this because even though I know that God permits all things equally, it seems to be anti climactic to me, like all this work in one direction to end up tossing it all away and desiring to head in an 180 direction. And I know that it is ultimately a matter of integration, but I don't know how to go about this either because I've never felt free from an ego sense, I've never my agency as being "my agency" (if that makes any sense) and I know where it comes from too, I haven't been given the permission by anyone to follow who I am. And now I feel like I have to destroy all my spiritual beliefs and values and give that permission to myself and that would be my spiritual path. (don't know how much of it makes sense but I've tried my best to articulate myself regarding this).

@Leo Gura The more consciousness work I do, the more light permeates into me, but the more devilish I seem to become with the overall result of me integrating neither in the end. The only logical conclusion I've reached is what I stated above. I know this for fact; as long as one is physically alive, there is an ego present, absolute ego dissolution means death (and both, i.e ego dissolution and death are illusions because the ego is illusory to begin with). I don't know what it means to live from consciousness because I've never done it without being deluded (atleast, this is how I percieve my past experience). I feel like I'm having to do things in reverse, I've never had much of an ego and this made me miss on a lot of experiences in life (grew up WAY too passive due to where and how I was raised..), and I haven't found a way to accept or cope with the regret and resentment, I feel like I've cheated myself, I've had some amazing and mind shattering experiences but still, those don't seem to compensate for the simple (ego based) stuff.

@Forestluv Fair enough.