5-D - L O V E

@Salvijus I may sound confused and conflicted by saying this, and yes I am But I don't believe in most things that are being proposed here (sorry) Not rejecting the validity of what anyone is proposing, but rather that none of the solutions proposed seem to address my specific situation, I don't think that anyone quite grasps what I'm dealing with, and it's partly my poor conveing of it all As much as I want to find the love of god, I want a solution that deals with everything in one fell swoop, Expressions such as "God's love" or "serving one's ego" or "shadow integration" are quite vague, here's where I'm coming at all this from I'm big on comparaison, there's this one thing I see almost everyone pull of except me (which just boggles me... but let's not go there) This specific thing is that anyone who puts out a desire or an intention into the universe gets a manifestation of said desire, no matter how spiritual they are, in this sense life just seems to work for "everyone", and the fundamental reason that everyone is overlooking and cannot grasp and which is taken for granted is that almost all people have a basic layer of self love, no matter it's source or how thin it is I have never had that, I could have done more spiritual work and more self help work, more shadow work... than anyone in here and it wouldn't show for that simple reason, I don't fundamentally love myself So the kind of grace I'm looking for is its own agenda, I'm not going for the big pie (god's love), or rather I want the universe to show me that it cares about my ego like it seems to do with everyone else

@Leo Gura Do you know about Paul Chek and the CHEK institute ? From what I've gathered that guy is the real deal when it comes to anything physical, his understanding of physiology and biochemestry is quite deep and he has an integral approach to his practice, he does work with 5MeO and from what he states and many of the people he works with, he does get good results, he works in conjoncture with other physicians... I thought to let you know because I truly believe in this guy's work

@vibv fun fact, music is my purpose too, and I am supposed to be working on a record... and I do love music, but the feelings and thoughts I wake up to everyday seem to overpower my love for everything including life itself, let alone any project I could do Sharing what I was passionate about with others is one of the reasons I find myself in this place to begin with...

@gettoefl What makes you believe that I haven't awakened to the fact of the self being immortal ? My problem is quite the opposite from almost what everyone is assuming about me in this post, I have gone for the light, no one that I personally know of has brought as much love and light to themselves and their surroundings, but instead of life opening up for me, I got the opposite of that, things closed of, and in retrospect I feel like I got punished for it, and now I just feel empty, bitter and resentful and I don't know how to repair this kind of damage, YES it feels THAT fucked up! more than I can ever express

@Mannyb I get the hardest backlashes whenever I choose forgiveness, it's like certain parts of my psyche only come up stronger and more resentful whenever I choose to forgive, it's like "how dare you" I wish I could just do it, and have it be permanent, but at this point it's almost counter productive, it's like not forgiving is better because everytime I forgive I only grow darker...

@gettoefl I like the dream upgrade analogy, it's on point The thing is, that is what I'm desiring, not only in the romatic escapades sense, but in a broader sense, I would love to travel, to achieve some of my artistic dreams and to be desired, those are my main obssessions, and yes I realize this can be far from true godly love which is all that is, inclusive of all states But why is it that some people have some sort of secret way to achieve all they want in life, and they are encouraged by people around them to do so, while other are pushed towards leaving it all ? Why does the world still values and rewards charisma and personality more than soul ? I don't believe in the ticket back to base proposition the way you framed it because if detachment was the point, then why come here in the first place ? and why is it that almost no one displays godly love in the sense you alluded to, almost everyone is selfish, it's just that some people have more tact and finesse when going about things

And just working on the small wins, having faith, and doing the work no matter what doesn't work either for me, because I have done too much, I've given too much of myself into everything (whether it's spiritual work, purpoose, relationships, ...) , and now I just feel hollow inside, I need some sort of external miracle, how do people go about pulling those of out of nowhere ? I believe it is grace, divine grace is the only thing that could save me, but I have always felt being denied that, I know that by law of mirroring/attraction logic, me being negative about it wouldn't bring about a positive outcome, but even when I was geniuenly positive I didn't have positive outcomes... hence me believing that life doesn't work for me, and me talking about a feeling of ontological betrayal

@Salvijus This is quite powerful as an insight, it flips everything on it's head and puts all the responsibility on me, the queestion now becomes, how do I detach from my egos desires ? because my ego desires specific things that I've tried to go for countless times in the past and failed miserably everytime, I've always had the intuition to leave it all on god, but can't seem to pull that off either.. How do I go about this ? my ego is murky and it doesn't desire love in its greatest form, and god seems to have its own agenda and that doesn't help me in the now either

@Salvijus What am I missing ? Because almost everyday I decide on that, that I'm open to life, to love, to experience, to anything ! Yet nothing happens in my life outside of my psychedelic journeys

@JosephKnecht Whenever I go for experience, all doors just seem closed to me, I could wake up super inspired to work on my art, or to go out and have a blast, then literally 10 minutes after I just crumble into a pile of darkness, and when I force myself to just do it anyway, I just feels off, my heart isn't in it (whatever activity I'm doing) and I just start resenting god for not providing me with more help like it seems to do with everyone else I once met someone who later became a friend who had massive addiction issues (alcohol and cigarettes) and no matter how much he seemed to give up happy vibes I jsut saw right through him, 2 months into our friendship (realizing I was different from everyone he had met to that point) he opened up to me about some very dark stuff that happened in his childhood (sexual abuse...) he hadn't told that to anybody up to that point, and I was in such a radical state of unconditional love in that period that I just took that experience in with full compassion, I also knew the right attitude to take, the right words to say, and ever since that day I just saw that dude bloom into life, going into an upwards spiral lfor the first time in his life (up to that point) On the exterior it may seem like I didn't do anything, but I know in my heart that I was a big stepping stone in that person's life, and I helped him massively (even if it can't be articulated) Now, why can't I have something similar happen to me ??

@ZenSwift I have followed dr. K for a while, discovered his channel during covid and followed him for 2 years or so, until I realized that psychotherapy is not for me... Energy, Experience, Insight, and embodied somatic states trump psychology everytime, I can't work on that level, I have tried, now it just feels like cope to me, no one in the field of psychology/psychotherapy has given humanitya fundametally groundbreaking body of work, except from Carl Jung maybe (and he was closer to a shaman than a psychologist in my view) Thank you for the recommendation though, wish you all the best in your journey

Deep within I don't want longevity (literally speaking) I'd rather live 2 more weeks and have them being full of love, joy and inspiration and passing having had a blast, than to live for 40 more years and having it be average, I don't have much of the values and interests most people have, I don't wanna have a family (not the way I am), I think earth is cool, being human is fine and it can be AWEsome, but it all feels so dull compared to what I truly desire, and no, I do not suffer from depersonilisation, I don't have mental health issues, I just don't feel the same as other people And yes, I am aware that I feel this way mainly because of the life experiences I had

I actually intend to do the opposite with psychedelics and spirituality, I basically came to the conclusion that there is no suuch thing as integration (for me atleast) and if lsd wasn't as demanding physically and mentally I would be going at it twice a week, and if I had access to 5MEO I would probably do it daily for atleast a month or so... What everyone seems to lack a concrete understanding of is that nobody had to derive love from absolute scratch the way it is being asked from me in this incarnation, most people have a basic layer of love because they have been loved unconditionally by an external entity atleast once in their lives, whether it's friendship, love, parents, siblings, a mentor... even if they have to deconstruct it and go for god, the fact of that imprint being there is so massive in how your life turns out to be, it is taken for granted because nobody had to look for it at this kind of fundamental levels... If anyone was in my position, he/she would feel exactly the same, I can't seem to find joy or love for life no matter how much I try (or don't try and go into complete surrender) I work on my purpose most of the time (when I'm not at war with myself) I have all the time in the world yet I'm not taking advantage of it, in paper I have personal resposabilities (taking care of my palce, cooking, doing dishes, washing clothes...) but I only do it when it becomes critical, I barely cook... My weeks are loopy, sometimes I waste full weeks doing close to nothing, the truth is, I don't feel like striving for life anymore

@freddyteisen I have been alone - and I mean ALONE - for close to two years now, all relationships got cut, I don't have faith in people anymore, so I'm not trying to please anyone anymore It seems to me that I can't even go for the low-hanging fruit stuff, anytime I start doing anything I just drown in negativity, I can't forgive myself for having passed on so many things during my teens and twenties, and now I feel like I missed on life itself, no matter how people try to convince me otherwise, that the present is the only truth, or that by focusing on positive action I can have a better future... nothing seems to work, I have sat with the sadness, mourned my past, accepted my faith, chose forgiveness many times now, but the feeling inside is still the same, I feel like life doesn't "work" for me, I have reached depths of sadness and depression most people can't even begin to fathom, and on the outside I didn't have it that bad tbh, and I wasn't always like this, quite the opposite, but for the past 6 years it's just been an ongoing dark night of the soul that seems to never end, and I just need love

@Leo Gura What if therapy is not the answer, I do get your point Leo, and it is valid to a big extent But what I'm looking for is the magic of life, and therapy is not the way towards that, I know most of my psychological issues, I just don't believe in how therapy goes about resolving those My main issue is that I have given too much love, care, time and energy to people who only cared for themselves, and I came from a completely selfless state (as hard as it may sound to believe) After a certain point I was just drained, since it wasn't reciprocated, ever since, I can't refill my empty love flask, which in turn makes everything I do in life hollow, mechanical, uninspired I do believe in myself and my purpose, but at the same time I don't feel that the universe is on my side with anything and I know very well that it's a reflection of my internal state and intent, I'm not on my side ... but how can I be when my default state is this ? Think metaphysical, love is the currency (though I hate this analogy..) so for magical experiences to manifest I just need to be love, but I'm the furthest from that, and the issue is more metaphysical than it is psychological

There's something that to me feels quite relevant to this thread but no one has mentionned yet and it's this. Egos have diverging amounts of spiritual power, say manifestation will.. algorithms/modus operandi (to avoid the expression "lesser cheat codes") that are enabling them to perform in the way they do, take someone like Leo Messi (if you're a football fan) or Jacob Collier, these kind of people seem to have acheived almost unlimited potential (up to what can be done in human form) within their respective fields.. Their modus operandi, or "cheat codes" are simply skill, developed through countless hours during the span of decades, and at their level it's so aligned with flow that it becomes magical to witness. A subsequent question to what @Someone here has asked is this, There are in my view two types of understanding / skill / experience; * Local scope skill, i.e what pertains directly to their craft. * Global/Meta foundations: Unconditional Love for their craft, godly amount of confidence, and simply universal luck (them being who their are, and having lived the experiences they lived through... It almost feels like it was destined for them to be THAT good. Now the first set of skill is what can be targeted and worked on directly, but the second set almost feels like it can only be given to you by god (you). But why don't I (as god) give myself those keys? There is a very low ceiling that can be hit if we don't perceive life through a spiritual / Intergral lense. Hence the importance of following our intuitions, being atuned to synchronisities and opportunities, having the courage to follow our wildest dreams... But sometimes, no matter what one does, breakthroughs simply refuse to manifest... If we could just solve this one issues, I think we (as a species) would start tapping into infinite (alien) intelligence at a scale never seen before, and that would radically transform our experience on this plane. But how to do it if you are REALLY stuck ??

Since I am a software developper at heart (it seems that there's a separate thread that is always thinking about software architecture, ideas for software products that should exist but don't...) I often get insights that I thinker about (either in my mind or experientially). So I just had an insight into what could be the seed of a revolutionary spiritual platform (kinda like this one) but that does things differetly. I also wrote (hastily) a manifest that I will attach with this post for more context and info, even though it's very messy and probably hard to understand fully, if it spawns interest I can post a full rewrite that would be more elaborate and detailed about things. Let me know what you guys think about this, I don't know what the response to this post will be but I hope it goes towards further elaborations and consctructive critiques, Thank you all. Insights of Omniscience.txt

I don't usually share ideas in such "open-source" fashion, and it's not that this idea struck me to the extent that I felt the urge to share it... It's just too suitable to be held from the get go by a non-profit organization, and that the whole application (if ever done) should always avoid to be considered in a business driven fashion. "This will go to the moon, but through dharma, not etherium" The idal thing for something like this would've been me doing some sort of proof of concept, minimal base layer, then expand it into a team/collective effort, but since web (especially backend) is not my forte, unless I'm doing it in a low level fashion and that would take me working almost full time on this for potentially up to 6months, I chose to just put this idea out there, and if it finds people that are interested in carrying it, then we can start choppin at it from multiple sides that would make the task way more manageable.

I am not fully certain about the situation my life is in right now, a lot of things are changing very fast (both internally and on the outside), mostly for the better in many regards... So this is not a complaint, but just a preface for the main discussion, Which concerns being able to work at a high standard (personally set) in two different fields at the same time, while avoiding crash, burn-out, confusion, dillution of effectiveness... So the exact situation I am in at the present moment is that I am being pushed, "my soul is calling me" to take all the time necessary and dedicate all the resources at hand to compose, record and release an EP/Album which is one my main life goals, of course I don't see it as just any musical work being put out there, to me it's an integral part of my spiritual journey, and luckily I have enough resources (by chance) to put a whole year just into this without being concerned with resources (rent, buying equipement...) but that comes at the expense of sacrificing a big share of money I'm inhereting to do this.... At the same time, the logical part of my mind is guiding me towards some sort of "safety"/Escape plan, which consists in leaving the third world country I'm in and starting a new life somewhere else by finding a contract in a good game development company as a low-level programmer... Which is something I can pull off if I put in the time into working on a prototype that would serve as CV/portfolio, but by doing that I would be basically splitting my time between working on my music (which I don't want to abandon, or even set aside for now given the opportunity and all the work/thought that was put into it... and it still being my dream) Now, I've started experementing lately with trying to do both activities in the same day, basically doing music during the early evening, or morning, and putting in around 2 hours of work at night programming the game... and I feel like my effectiveness in being sharp in anyone activity is reduced, since I tend to perform at my "highest" when I'm fully into a specific thing... Does anyone have experience with a similar situation? or some kind of higher ground (meta) advice that I'm missing since I'm submurged with the whole process I know that in the end, I will be the only one to be held responsible for the results of any decisions I take, but I'm trying to think, intuit and feel into this whole situation from more of a tier 2 perspective, meaning seeing things through a bigger space-time frame, seeing how any decisions will impact my life in the long run, not only in the next few months...

I've have been awake to (exactly) this in the past. And it is beyond what any human can desire, want or ask for. It makes perfect sense. It's a complete energetic shift, not energy in the term we humans can think of but something else, completely different, qualitatively beyond what any mind but this mind can/can't comprehend. No amount of work will take you there yet all the work/ life experience you put in will be of help. The only term I can think of right now that can get closer to that state/feeling is "meta-cognitive ecstasy". It's the soberest state anyone can reach and it only happened to me on large doses of lsd/psylocybin. Leo, how do you dwell in that space? It just eats me alive and all the love (for lack of a better term) just seems to overwhelm me after a certain amount of time? I start having insights beyond what I know what to do with, things connect in ways I never thought posible and the maddening side of intelligence is (almost) too much to bear...

@musicandmath111 Infinity IS Oneness. You are right about infinity being out of the scope of mind understanding, but it can be "realized" to a certain degree intellectually, and that in turns helps you reach and intergrate experiences of inifinity once they're awoken to. For the intellectual explanation (narrative) here's how it goes, at the quantum level of this this physical reality, "everything" (i.e the building blocks of reality) is just particles and waves moving around in space-time according to known (and still to be known) physical laws, this is the objective material world, a giant soup of stuff that expands from the core of the particles that make up your guts to the outer reaches of the visible universe and possibly beyond. Now for you to exists as a separate ego, that ego has to trace a conceptual imaginary barrier that affirms only a small subset of this giant soup as "self", regarding everything else as the outside world, but in reality infinity permeates through everything, for you to exists as a separate self, infinity HAS TO END, but infinity has no end and no beginning, only the mind creates those to keep the illusion of ego persistent.

As a person, I've been struggling with intense types of internal pain, anger, rage, self-destructive thoughts... almost all my life. I grew up with a very fragile ego due to the family and society situation I grew up in, I feel like I have been dealt a bad hand in that regard to say the least. At the same time, that same situation was the biggest catalyst for spirituality and reaching very deep states of consciousness. These states are where I feel at home, mainly non-dual or very deep flow states where everything is inter-connected, but understanding aside, I don't get transformative energetic states to stay after my trips, and I fall into my default mode which is a mess to say the least... I have "verified" non-duality more times than I can recall, I've seen and experienced Truth, I've talked with Truth... But for some reason, all the promises than fall upon me about my fully realized potential and how the whole unsiverse is gonna help me/conspire to make that a reality don't get carried on with... and I don't feel it's my fault at this point... Instead of having the dark night of soul lifted after I learn what I had to learn through it, I feel like my whole life was dark night after dark night without any sense of resolution, Has anyone in here gone through the same situation and had it resolved? I don't feel like any experience can fully heal me at this point... call it lack of faith, but I'd rather be truthful with my deepest feeling than carry a false (forced) sense of faith and confidence... Intuitively I know that full awakening (i.e 5meo becoming infinite) can deal with it, but that is full dissolution that I don't wanna carry on with right now (nor can I do it even if I wanted to), but I'd rather go with a "non-spiritual" solution (knowing that everything is spiritual...), to deal with my karma but it feels that I'm held back by my emotional baggage... What approach should I take? is there a way to radically recontextualize all of this in a direction I'm missing? Sorry for my messy posts but I always try to touch on what's the most relevant to me

@Razard86 I agree with you, and it all makes sense on an intellectual level, but energetically I feel off when I'm around people since I always perceive that I'm the only one "practicing" unconditional-love while everyone else is lost in delusion. And I often get attacked and ridiculed for speaking my truth... So in a way I lost faith in "others" (I know everyone is me...) I lost faith in all Egos (including "mine"). I've done my share of volunteering in the past and I've come to know that it's not for me, I get into flow states when I'm teaching someone something I'm pationate about but then again, people don't trust me or my methods... Just because of the jugement they materialize from the energy I give off. So I don't what to love, or why love, even the intuition of fully loving myself selfishly I seem I cannot carry on with. I'm lost because of (lack of) love.

@Breakingthewall I've reached deep states of oneness on large doses of LSD before, and I've had deep non-dual states on meditations with and without psychedelics. I "know" enough that I feel like I can reach radical states of consciousness with the help of 5meo... of course I know that god is in control of it all, so I can't force any experience... Deep down in my ego, I feel a sort of grudge towards god/relality, I've asked so much for it to be reconciled but I don't know why it's still there... Sometimes I feel that the ego can never love god unconditionally, of course god loves the ego unconditionally... I don't want to let go of my ego fully but I still want the "power" that comes from fully losing the ego... if that makes sense, I want to manifest godly/miraculous "things" from the ego with the will of god, such are my deepest "shadow" desires, wants and (percieved) needs.

@vladorion I don't believe in neither IFS or somatic experiencing, I've tried so many healing modalities that I've lost faith in all of them, including things as powerful as IFS, I don't fully get the hang of it, but from what I've learned and tried, it won't help me heal my deepest wounds. As far as single experiences go, I think that a radical state if mainted enough can do it, the only times I've felt everything reconciled at an energetic/somatic level were all on transcended states of consciousness. Radically changing my life, living the lifestyle my shadow wants to manifest can do it (I believe, intuitively) but I can't reach that state because of said wounds, it's a strange loop kind of thing that I can't seem to break to make it happen.