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Everything posted by anxious_turtle

  1. I'm so sorry for being rude, but what kind of a weak father are you? "Possibly always will"?! How dare you allow for your children to go through this? I dare you to go up to your children, look them dead in the eyes and tell them that. "Honey, this woman will haunt you for the rest of your life and I can't possibly do anything to stop that." What kind of an attitude is this? You as a father are supposed to embody security for them. You're supposed to look them in their scared eyes and tell them with full conviction: "This will never happen to you again. Never. I will take care of it." Love your children. You don't love them enough, because if you did, you wouldn't be talking like that. Instead of "possibly always will", you'd be saying "I am working on never allowing this to happen to them ever again." Don't you see that by trying to love this meth addict you're trying to avoid the responsibility of being a strong father who guarantees the security of his children? You hate her because you subconsciously feel powerless against the damage she does to your children. Once you take 100% responsibility, once you commit fully to giving the needed security for your children no matter what it takes, you will feel content. THEN and only then are you allowed to work on that "Infinite unconditional love for meth addicts" hippy-bullsprinkles. Your fear of taking responsibility for their security does not allow you to fully love them. Fear prevents you from love. If you took that responsibility, you would be able to love them so much that in your heart there would be no place for hate for anybody. You would be fully focused and committed to your children. You don't hate her. You hate yourself for not being able to give your children the love they deserve "because of her". Nobody cares about how you feel. You are a father - you're supposed to be strong, you're not supposed to feel good. Take responsibility. I'm sorry, but you really have no other choice than going through the helljob of being the best dad in the world. Otherwise, you will never be content with your life and your hate will grow bigger and bigger as you age, because deep down you will know that you have neglected your children.
  2. Leo's blog post reminded me of this Australian guy that does things like these: He also speaks about how everything is consciousness. Pretty rad. Feel free to post any other videos/articles/personal experience about such phenomena .
  3. (This is something I wrote down mainly for myself, but I decided to share it here and see you guys' opinions, whatever they may be. Excuse the clumsy language - this is a rather unskillful attempt at recording a personally very significant fleeting insight.) It is an ever-occurring theme of life that all good things are accompanied by pain. If you do something which feels good at first, it becomes painful after. If you do something that hurts at first, it becomes pleasurable after. And I cannot help but make the conclusion that maybe we aren’t supposed to want pleasure over pain, or to endure pain because of the reward that comes after, because they are intertwined in such a multi-dimensional and surprising way that they are like one - inseparable. And a person who is trying to get as much pleasure as possible, thinking that this will make them feel less pain, is like a child covering his eyes, thinking that no one will be able to see him. And also, rejecting pleasure because you fear the pain it will bring you is still the same game. It is a game most of us are deeply caught in. At least I know I am. And it is a duality which prevents one’s consciousness from expanding and experiencing a truth and a beauty which is on a whole other level of reality. The bind in which we humans find ourselves in is so profoundly and heart-breakingly beautiful. It is a piece of art across which complex contrasts are skillfully playing together to create the perfect dramatic composition - the work of a most skillful, careful and deliberate artist, inside which there is nothing out of place. Throughout my life I have tried to chase pleasure and so avoid pain. Then I realized that this couldn’t work, so I decided to avoid pleasure in order to avoid pain, but this also did not work. But now a new possibility has opened for me - instead of picking pleasure over pain, I can pick one drama (which is one whole ball of yarn of intertwined pleasure and pain) over another drama. And it doesn’t matter which one I pick because all of them are just as interesting, and also just as boring. Some may have more pleasure showing on the surface than others, but they’ve all got the same amount of both, believe me (maybe not on the same dimension, but throughout all possible ones - it’s all equal) - it is a very just world we live in. A person who realizes this whole insight and applies it throughout his whole life on all levels, will be a very wise one indeed. And so from now on the only question is - what kind of drama do I want? What kind of pleasure? What kind of pain?
  4. This is nuts. I was on semen retention for 40+ days now and I was in a constant state of horny. I also had things like existential fears, depression, nihilism/purposelessness, anxiety, crying, letting go of old insecurities and fears, weird vibrations circulating in my body, either coming from my head, the center of my chest, or shooting up from my pelvic floor, realizations that I am imagining everything (even if only slightly), but mostly I was just severely horny. And today I was just sitting on my couch, horny as usual and I noticed this very particular sensation in my pelvic floor, which was very pleasurable. I closed my eyes and concentrated on it, and I consciously tried to intensify it. After a few times of "losing hold of it", I managed to just keep making it more and more intense, until it became so strong that it triggered my ejaculation reflex. It was the most intense orgasm I've had so far but nothing mindblowing. What's mindblowing to me is that I managed to do it with my mind (and some minor pelvic floor contraction I think, but that came rather unconsciously) - I consciously directed the "energy" or whatever there. They didn't mention that on the NoFap superpowers list. Also, for a brief moment I managed to move this sensation up to my stomach, but I lost it quickly. It is an interesting story I thought I'd share, but also I wanna ask you guys for some advice - where do I go from here? I can't just shrug this off as some weird one-time thing. Can you suggest any reading material, teachers, practices, warnings or whatever else? Or do I just need to get laid? Anyway, thanks for reading!
  5. It's God pretending not to be God I don't know if it can be transcended, since I (an ego) have never done so. What does "adequate" levels of enlightenment mean? Can you quantify it? The ego's value is to help you survive in the world. But maybe you're asking what value does it hold in existence/god-consciousness itself. In that case - it holds all the value. Without it there cannot be any experience of "you" experiencing something interesting that is other than you. It holds no other practicality other than its own survival (as far as I am aware). It does, however, hold a spiritual value of making you able to become enlightened. Without an ego you wouldn't be able to attain enlightenment - appreciate that. The concept of ego an transcending the ego cannit be understood by somebody that is too deep into (or hypnotized by) their own ego. The best possible explanation for ego? Look back at your own life!
  6. So I love everything at once? My ego is confused When I actually say it it feels weird :D. But before the verbalization I get the same kind of feeling like when I look at a person or animal and see feel how connected we are, behind all of the forms - how we all want the same thing, and all that hippy shit. Except now it isn't directed at anyone. I guess that's what confuses me! How can I have love that isn't directed at anything?! Love must be reserved only for the things that serve me!
  7. Just an interesting phenomenon I thought I'd share. Usually it comes at times when normally I shouldn't be in the mood to love anything. I usually start saying it and then realize there's nobody around me at that time and it's like: "I love... uhh, what?" P.S.: But since you're here - Love ya :*
  8. A cave in the jungle? No, but seriously - I've been contemplating the exact same question for a long time now. From living alone in a forest, to joining a hippy commune, to becoming a monk in a temple, to moving into a very small village. I'm a nature guy - I hate constant car buzzing, large groups of people, the social pyramid, the hustle to go to school, then to uni, then to get a high-paying job, the consumerist culture, the constant ads everywhere, the gossip, the fakeness of people and their preoccupation with social status, their hedonism, etc, etc. So, naturally - now I'm moving into the biggest, dirtiest, loudest, lewdest, most expensive city in my country. After lots of thinking that just seems to be the "truest" place for me to be in at this moment. I had to give up a significant part of my ego to admit that. (at least I saw it as significant at the time, no doubt there's bigger ones) I guess my point is that there are no universal "best places" for enlightenment. To parrot Ram Dass - Even if you go to a very fancy, clean, woke place to get enlightened, you may get very high, but the moment you return to visit your parents or something, your dad may say something that'll instantly bring you down - wake up some neurotic pattern that has been asleep for a long time, just because you were away - and you realize that, at that moment, you're not very awake anymore. By all means - go and live in a cleaner, more evolved part of humanity! But enlightenment is about dropping all dualities and now you're creating a duality between what places are "good for enlightenment" and what aren't. It's the ego that needs certain circumstances to make it happy and productive. Zen temples apparently used to be among the "best" places for enlightenment. But when somebody knocked on the gates to "sign up and study enlightenment", they told him that there's nothing to learn here and nothing to attain. And so the pupil had to stay for more than a week in front of the gates before they took pity on the poor fool and had to let him in. Of course, my ego would also like a nicer cleaner place at some time - so I'll follow this thread in case something interesting comes up. Good luck to you!
  9. @Danioover9000 Some questions for Crysty: How does a usual conversation with a plant go like? Have you tried talking to mushrooms too? What is your favorite movie? Questions about humanity: What do you think about us humans having to kill other living beings in order to be able to live? How would you feel if you had to do that to survive? Would you like being human? What would you say are the pros and cons? What do you think being human is all about? Do you like video games? Which ones? What is your greatest fear? BTW I like how she notices and compliments people's profile pics. Humans don't really do that.
  10. You don't need a reason to live. You only need an excuse. All goals are simply excuses for you to go through the process towards fulfilling them. They don't really matter. I get a mindgasm every time I start thinking about the implications of the above two sentences. It's as if I could sit there for an hour just thinking about them, holding them in my mouth and tasting them. Maybe I should do that. I wonder if they go with wine...
  11. Yeah, commitment sucks. I like my threesomes. ...and browsing this forum instead of working on my life purpose.
  12. @Matt8800 What an expansive thread! It took me a long while to get through it, but it was worth it. Thank You for all of the details you shared. You must be tired of all the questions and I hope I am not too late, but here are the things that bother my mind: 1. Do you have any knowledge, experience or resources on shape-shifting in any form (Eyes and face; body, gender and species; temporary and permanent; in this realm and in others)? 2. Can You say something about developing romantic and sexual relationships with spiritual entities? Any examples in occult/religous literature? Any advice or warning? Any health concerns :D? 3. I have found myself to be more susceptible to hallucinations than most. For example, I hallucinate from stronger weed, while my friends don't; I recieve brief visions after only short sessions of breathwork; sometimes I experience what is called "Hypnagogic hallucinations" - I retain consciousness while falling asleep and can hear, see and feel how the real world shifts into that of dreams; I have experienced involuntary lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis; Lastly, I often lose myself in deep daydreaming, especially when I am facing major life issues. So my question is - can You point me to the right direction as to how I can develop these traits in a healthy way? I have the feeling that, if left unattended, they might lead me to some very dark places. 4. Before really getting into any occult practices, I am working on achieving a certain level of mastery in art and I feel it could be useful somehow. Are there any examples of such skill being used for occult purposes? 5. Is it worthwile to pursue the strengthening of physical health, lifespan extension and the preservation of youthfulness? If so, would You recommend any starting points? Ancient texts talk about persons who had lived through centuries. EDIT: Yup, I'm too late :D. Well, I guess I'll have to discover these things myself.
  13. You're asking the wrong questions here lol. Women call them "creeps" because those men failed to attract them. Because they don't want to have sex with them. If she's attracted to you she'll have no problem with your sexual intentions. Also, girls like to say shit like that on social media to boost their egos. Don't take it too seriously.
  14. Once I did it standing in front of a mirror. Not very smart, I know. I passed out, fell down and hit my head. Another time I did it sitting in front of a table. Passed out and hit my forehead on the table. Last time I did it was on a hill in the forest, sitting in perfect pose. Passed out and rolled down the hill. So, make sure you're in a safe place with nothing to hit your head on
  15. While washing the dishes I was watching some sciency youtube video about the universe or something. Then at the end of it they recommended another video of some funny bald guy who apparently had a "spiritual enlightenment" experience, so I decided to watch it. It sounded like a delusional pipe dream. Apparently God had revealed to him the meaning behind the whole universe, but he said that he would only reveal it on his deathbed. Then on the sidebar was a recommended video with another funny bald man in the thumbnail, titled "THE MOST SHOCKING TRUTH YOU WILL EVER HEAR". I clicked on it. Life has been pretty weird ever since.
  16. The purpose is for you to accept yourself and fall in love with your own little fella. God wants you to get creative and either own your situation, or figure out a smart way out of it. Focus on expanding your consciousness first, not your dick.
  17. Now try to see the devil in yourself too
  18. Oh god, at least you said something. There were girls at school, complete strangers, that used greet me consistently for days. Almost every day - one of them would pass and say "Hi!" and I would just barely look at her and pass by as quickly as possible. No bad feelings to them. I was just afraid. Girls, if you ever gather the courage to approach someone and you get cold rejection, know that it may really not be you, it may just be that the guy has problems.
  19. I'm not sure if you guys will accept this story and I certainly don't promote such behavior, but I just have an itch to tell someone how I feel for a change. Letting go was always something very hard for me. I am always tense and rigid, overthinking and anxious. I am neither comfortable alone, nor when around people. When out with a group, I was always the quiet one who couldn't hold a conversation and wouldn't speak unless asked something. I have always been more inside my own head than anywhere else. I have a mortal fear of beautiful girls and every time someone I liked showed an interest in me, I either ignored her or acted like a complete douche (and no, that doesn't make girls like you more). One very interesting thing I noticed is how very long it can take before a girl loses interest in a rigid, awkward ball of insecurities like me. These creatures are persistent, aren't they... I was strictly against drinking and clubbing. I've always thought that "such shallow and spiritually-empty activities are not for me". Also me: binging on tons of porn, porn and more porn. Such a cretin, I know. At one point I realized in how much of a tangle I've gotten myself. I was tired, I just wanted to let go. And so I grew curious - what would happen if I just went out there? We sat to drink with some friends and I steadily began realizing how easy it actually is to let go. Easiest thing in the world, in fact. Yet why wasn't I able to pull it off while sober? Then we went to the club. I danced. For like, 4 hours. Holy shit did that feel good! My whole life I've been a stiff stick. The only dance moves I knew were nervous gestures. When around people I always felt sort of paralyzed, uncomfortable inside my own body. But last night I lost myself into the loud music and the colorful lights. I surrendered completely. I was perfectly aligned with the present moment and allowed myself to be carried away by it. I've never felt so free. I sensed my karma shedding. I learned from this experience and I will make my best to embody such carefree-ness to my day-to-day sober life. I would never substitute such hedonism for an actual spiritual discipline, of course. I will certainly do it again, but I'll always perceive it as a stepping stone towards something deeper. My message with all this, I guess, is: Have the courage to open your mind and try out things you've never even imagined yourself doing, but also be careful. And above all - let go. Thank you for reading this random story. I appreciate all opinions and criticisms. Love you all and good luck with everything!
  20. Just finished school and I'm about to enter some random university to "study" computer science. I got into programming mainly because my mother pressed me, since I had to get a "real job". I'm thankful for that. And I actually lucked out and got a job. Thing is, I want to study fine art at an atelier, which is expensive and would require me to travel abroad. Should I just keep working at my current job, without going to uni, so that I save up money and have more time for art and spiritual work (and also more time for procrastination and addiction)? I'm afraid that, if I lose my current job, I won't be able to find a new one due to not having a degree. What I have are two certificates from programming courses (one of them is currently lost, though - oops) and like one-plus year of professional experience. Parental disapproval, of course, goes without mention. What is your opinion, guys? Should I risk it? Or should I take the "better save than sorry" route? Also, excuse my blunt writing - didn't sleep well last night.