Tristan12

A few months ago I had this awakening where I discovered this deeper part of myself within me. It was really clear that it was me because of how it felt, but it wasn't my ego or me as Tristan. When I saw this part of myself, it was like I as Tristan was looking at it and it was communicating with me in a way. I could also see that no other person really existed, and all of reality is just my own direct experience, and this life I had as a human and everything within it is just something I imagined. This part of me showed me that everything that I have been through in my life had led me to this point of awakening and realizing all of this, and it will continue to lead me deeper. It also showed me that all of the suffering I have been through in my life (as I have been through a ton) was never personal, it was never about me, it all happened just for the sake of leading me to awakening. Then this part of me showed me that it loved me, very much. It was really beautiful. Last night, I was listening to some really beautiful loving music, and getting into a really deep state of love, and I noticed that whenever the love gets really strong, I often get so consumed by it that its like I lose my sense of self, and all that exists is love. I become love, and Tristan is gone. Then, all the sudden, I realized that when I feel this love, it's not Tristan that's doing the loving. It's something much deeper within me that is so in love. As soon as I realized that, the love got SO intense, I dropped to the floor and just started crying so hard. It was like I realized in that moment that I'm not Tristan, I am this deeper thing within me that this love is coming from. This is the second time I have discovered this deeper part of me, but this time I was actually it, and I wasn't just looking at it from the outside. The thing is, I have no idea what this part of me is. It feels like my higher self or my soul or something, because it really feels like me, but something much deeper within me, but I don't know what it means to say its my higher self. I'd wondered if it could have been God realization but I feel like it would be really obvious if it was and I wouldn't be asking this. Does anyone have any idea what this part of me is?

"Every tree is beautiful when touched by sunlight; every soul becomes gold when touched by the Beloved" - Rumi

""Who are you?" I asked love one evening. He said "I am immortality, a beautiful life which has no end."" - Rumi

"You are unaware the Beloved lives in the core of your heart" - Rumi

Okay. I've just been focused on this single part where the love is coming from because that's all I've seen, and I'm wondering what the hell it is. But what you're saying makes sense and I get that I just need to go deeper and see all of it. Thanks for your help

@Leo Gura Oh okay, that makes sense because this part of me I saw was just a part, it wasn't everything, and if God is Infinity then it makes sense it wouldn't just be that one part. But then we go back to the original question of what is this part of myself i'm seeing? Is it just God/Love in a limited form but eventually I will realize that its actually everything? That's why I bring up the times that you've seen God as separate from you, is that anything similar to this?

Wow, okay. Yeah clearly I do have to go deeper. When I realized I was this deeper part of myself and not Tristan, Tristan still felt real and like something I could go back into. I guess I would get to the point where I realize Tristan is completely imaginary and that I am this deeper part completely, and nothing else. But for now, as I see this part of myself as just a part, does it sound like this part is God? Of course I need to go deeper and gain more clarity around it to see for myself, but i'm curious what you think. Because I remember hearing you talk about times where you've accessed God as something separate from you, such as in your video where you did 5MeO for 30 days straight, and you talked about doing love-pong with God (bucket list item btw?), and then of course other times you've seen God as yourself and the duality collapsed. I'm curious if you think I could be looking at God when I see this part of myself, but maybe i'm just not seeing it clearly enough yet to fully realize it?

If that's what you realized then why come post it on a forum like there are actually people out there who are gonna read this and then give you an answer? This, ironically, is making me think that I am the only one who's having an experience and you're a projection of my mind leaving me breadcrumbs so I can realize it. But then again, I'm not sure. Even if other people aren't real, they can still provide me with some helpful answers to my questions. Also, I only became conscious of that part during the first experience (months ago) but not the one last night, so I wasn't thinking about the fact that other people aren't real when I asked this. This part too, but, it doesn't make sense to me. Why not just wake you up in a more gentle and blissful way? To be honest some of these insights people seem to get from psychs give me a "parent that has repeatedly fucked up trying to excuse themselves instead of owning their mistakes" vibe. I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his videos, he said that waking up often feels like every moment in your life has led to creating this moment of awakening. Its really clear to me that all the suffering I have been through was completely necessary. It has completely changed me as a person. Only now will I REALLY appreciate Love/God/Truth etc., which wouldn't have happened if I was lead to awakening in a more blissful or gentle way. I would still have so many shallow survival desires left. The whole reason i'm able to access levels of love this deep without psychedelics or that much spiritual practice is because my heart is just so responsive and sensitive to love that it just goes crazy any time I start to feel deep love. I'm very confident that everything i've been through was necessary. Also going through deep suffering to then lead to awakening is a well known phenomenon for a lot of people, so it doesn't surprise me at all that this is just my path to awakening.

I suspected that might be what it is, because what I experienced last night felt quite similar to some explanations I've heard of God realization. This part of me was just oozing love, it's like if you put your hand over a hot stove and felt the heat coming off of it, I could feel the love radiating off of this part of me. I couldn't look at it without crying. When I embodied it and realized that this is me, and its not separate from me, I couldn't get over this love that I could see that I was. That's when I hit the floor and started crying really hard. But then again, i'm still not fully sure if it was God realization or not, and I get the sense that if it really was, it would be really obvious and I would know, and I wouldn't be questioning it. So maybe it was just a partial realization or the beginning stages of it or something.

No I was sober. That's interesting though

@RickyFitts

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." - 1 John 4:16

I was listening to some really beautiful loving music, and getting into a really deep state of love, and I noticed that whenever the love gets really strong, I often get so consumed by it that its like I lose my sense of self, and all that exists is love. I become love, and Tristan is gone. Then, all the sudden, I realized that when I feel this love, it's not Tristan that's doing the loving. It's something much deeper within me that is so in love. As soon as I realized that, the love got SO intense, I dropped to the floor and just started crying so hard. It was like I realized in that moment that I'm not Tristan, I am this deeper thing within me that this love is coming from. It was SO beautiful. I'm not quite sure what that was, as in what that part of me is that I saw, but it makes me wonder if i'm creeping up on God realization...

@puporing This is the video Leo did on his experience with 28 days of 5MeO. It's probably my favourite episode of his

@Leo Gura How often do you trip normally? Also, I was wondering that because 5-MeO-MALT seems more gentle and has other benefits over the DMT version, would there be any reason to ever do 5-MeO-DMT instead? I haven't tried either yet but i'm wondering if there is any reason for me to do the DMT version at all (other than just to see what its like) because MALT sounds better.

@Realms of Wonder Awesome!!

@Realms of Wonder I listen to a lot of downtempo. That's my favourite kind of music. I think the slow and chill vibe of it is really conducive to spirituality. My favourite music to listen to for getting into deep states of love is the band Cigarettes after Sex. Here's my thread with all of the music I listen to if you're interested

Absolutely, most of my awakenings and mystical experiences happen while listening to music. Music just really gets me in the right mood and pulls at my emotions and it makes it much easier to reach heightened states of consciousness. Its especially helpful for reaching deep states of love.

@Someone here still, you’re just jerking off to a video on a screen, with no physical girl there with you. Maybe its different for other people but to me I don’t think I could ever see that as being better than real sex

I think Tolle's work has its place and can definitely be valuable in some ways, but I wouldn't say that it has much use for emotional healing or creating any kind of balance or harmony between parts within the psyche, like what IFS is for. What Tolle talks about just ends up being spiritual bypassing if you were to try to use it for those issues. Because of this i'm not surprised to hear that someone like Richard Schwartz doesn't think highly of him.

I have a hard time seeing how you could possibly see porn as being better than real sex, even if you watch it a lot

Dang man, sweet Benz! Can't imagine how many bitches you pull with that. Certainly has room for them

@aurum The noise isn't that loud, and it would probably be fine if I recorded with it, so I’m guessing its just how that camera is, but I want my audio to be perfect especially considering that the audio from my phone with a lav mic is better and doesn't have that noise at all. The mic I have is directional, and i've tried it with and without the mic and there is still the same problem.

So far I have been using my phone with a $30 lav mic for my youtube channel, and I’m happy with the audio, but now I want to upgrade to a proper camera for better image quality. I bought a Canon EOS M50 mark 2 and also a new external mic for it (rode videomic go), but the problem I am having is that there is a hissing noise, like white noise, in the background of the audio. This happens with or without an external mic. I have messed around with the settings, researched solutions, called Canon and even returned the camera and bought a new one in case it was a dud but I still get the same hissing noise. The audio from my phone with a $30 lav mic sounds better than this $1000 camera with a $120 mic. Yes I could just record my audio externally, but i'd rather not have to if I didn't need to. It just surprises me that this camera is so popular among YouTubers, yet it has these issues with the audio. I'm pretty sure a lot of cheaper cameras have this actually. I want to know if anyone knows of any solutions for this, if there is a camera under $1000 that wouldn't have audio issues like this. I'm not sure if I would just need a more expensive camera for better audio quality if I’m going to be recording audio into the camera, and that with a cheaper camera like this maybe I would just have to record my audio externally? I'm interested to hear from other people who have experience with cameras to see what you think. When I watch Leo's videos, (and a lot of other people's videos) his audio is great, and there is no white noise in the background, but maybe he has a more expensive camera or records audio externally or something (?)

I 1000% agree