Jai

Aug 19 Really nice day. Went on a date with a girl I had hung out with before. This felt really nice. Just felt good to be out. Date went well she was pretty receptive to me putting my arm around her so that was good. Didn't come home with me but probably gonna hang out sunday. Felt really good to be on a date. Overall day was solid as well. Good progress with things at work. Not in fear and doubt like I had been the last couple of weeks. So I'm in a better place overall and have had some benefit from staying consistent spiritually Daily spiritual practice* good morning session really high quality meditation. this has been really good lately. tomorrow will be a little quicker since I have to drive a couple hours really early. will make up for it later in the day Attitude of service* good actions at work. was helpful on some projects. good outward energy overall. feel like i'm contributing more Mental and emotional states* mostly positive today and optimistic - really only a small fear over my lease and leaving early. other than that feeling good about the decision i made and the future No porn / retention* good here. felt really good to have high sexual energy from retention on this date. I like feeling really charged like this and really attracted to a girl. I'm becoming more committed to retention and have been listening to a good podcast on this. I really would liek to have a girl and still practice retention most of the time. Being single is really the challenge but I have to really master this energy to prepare for a solid relationship Cold exposure* good here. two cold shwoers. so hot out that the shower in the afternoon didn't really feel that cold Eat clean* pretty good here. passed on chips during lunch that were available. Phone & computer habits* better. at work just put my phone in the drawer and left it. feels good to not always have my phone on me Exercise* did some push ups which was good. still would like to do more Stay positive and optimistic* did the mantra a few times but not as present on my mind as it should be

I'm all about daily habits. Really proud that last year I turned the water to cold and stepped into a cold shower every day. I'm convinced solid habits is what makes a purposeful life. Big thing for me is keeping an actual practice of daily prayer, meditation and review as the foundation of my life. Good luck on your 365 day challenge!

Aug 18 A pretty solid day overall. Felt back to where I'd like to be. Mostly during the day was in a place of security and strenght. Didn't really dip down into negativity or fear. I've weathered the worst of the fear and doubt storm. As of now the decision is pretty much final and I've accepted it. I've put everything in place and it's pretty much all lined up. What that means is that I'm now in action and not contemplation over it. I also got a pretty good resolution with working part time remote. So I get more time to list at that job on my resume, get some income coming in while I make changes, get flexibility, and get to continue to help the team while they transition. So I feel good about that. I also feel pretty good about work today. Also I had a great chance to do service today, i just jumped at an impromtu opportunity which is how I want to be. I was on my toes to be helpful. At the library the security guard was opening these big gates and I helped out. I really want to look for opportunities like this when they come up. Good news is i'm also getting excited about what's next and the opportunities. I'm starting to see it as a chance to thrive which is good. I'm seeing things through the lens of being positive which I want instead of being in fear. *Daily spiritual practice* Another really solid morning meditation session. Just really natural to do long meditation sessions. I set aside the time and can easily sit for 30 - 45 minutes. On a weekend I can go even longer. Time isn't the only metric of course since quality is important but the quality is also high. Would be hard to force myself to meditate that long if the quality wasn't high Attitude of service* Good here. great example of helping someone at the library today. need to keep finding opportunities like this. also had much better outward energy which is a good metric Mental and emotional states* Where i want to be back in the area of being positive and optimistic. back to seeing life as opportunity and not letting fear get to me. better confidence that i can meet circumstances as they come up. last couple of weeks were tough because i really felt worthless. i really felt like i was in a bad spot and nothing was going to work out. and that felt real. that's the hard thing about being down in this area, that's what actually feels real. it's hard to counter that when i'm in that spot. fortunately if i keep moving forward i'm not in there a long time No porn / retention* good here today. listening to a good podcast. i'm really getting more dedicated to retention for the benefits. eventually i want a sex life but even with that i plan to keep practicing retention a lot of the time. i really want to feel mastery over this energy and then share it with a girl. Cold exposure* good cold shower today. first thing in the morning it's important to do Eat clean* good here, but got to slow down. i eat too fast and overeat at dinner since that is my main meal. eating fast makes me feel hungrier Phone & computer habits* after work i went on youtube for a bit which was a mistake. fortunately i closed it. pretty good phone habits but didn't use the phone box although i put my phone away at work Exercise* long bike ride today. good here although not super intense Stay positive and optimistic: good here. did my mantra a handful of times which is better than nothing although i'd like to mentally do this more frequently *Daily spiritual practice*Attitude of service*Mental and emotional states*No porn / retention*Cold exposure*Eat clean*Phone & computer habits*Exercise*Stay positive and optimistic

Aug 17 Saw family today. So valuable to see family. I really miss seeing them often. It's sad to not see my parents more often. I'd really like to get a good money situation and get remote income so I can see them more often. It was nice to spend some time so I'm happy for that. Probably the next time will be Christmas I imagine. Today was a overall good day, but still some doubt and worry about getting out of my apartment. I'm worried about potential issues with the landlord but I guess I just have to trust God on this one. I don't think there is a high probability of an issue, it's just it could happen theoretically so of course I worry over that. Different areas of uncertainty are showing up because of all of the big changes I'm making. So just going to have to trust that I'm on a good path and trajectory and I believe I am. I'm really working on growing spiritually and moving forward each day. So i can trust that I can keep things up and good things will happen *Daily spiritual practice: good here. Another epic morning session. Really nice session this morning of meditation after breath work. Probably sat for 45 minutes or so, no rush. So that felt nice. *Attitude of service: pretty good here. helped out someone who was busy. better outward energy. not where I want to be, but still pretty good overall. so this is an improvement from being in a lot of doubt and worry *Mental and emotional states: in a pretty good neighborhood today. only dipped in to doubt for a bit over the apartment issue thing. I'm on a good trajectory here *No porn / retention: good here. Listened to a good podcast about this topic. Avoided lustful thinking for the most part and felt this energy and vitality today. I'm over a week in to retention so that's good. *Cold exposure: full cold shower today, got in cold and washed off with all cold. A little heat after to just reward myself. *Eat clean: ate out today with family which was okay, but I want to avoid eating out. still pretty decent here *Phone & computer habits: just picked up the phone while i was journaling. Went and put the phone in my phone box. This is a tough one to break but I've seen good progress here in the past. The important thing is just following rules *Exercise: went for a nice bike ride in the evening. that was great *Stay positive and optimistic: better here, but I want to work on a mantra. Need to find a positive mantra to repeat during the day. I'll put that on my internet list --------------- *Daily spiritual practice*Attitude of service*Mental and emotional states*No porn / retention*Cold exposure*Eat clean*Phone & computer habits*Exercise*Stay positive and optimistic

I want to write a bit about some of my main habits and how I want to improve these even more. A little backstory is that I've been really consistent for well over a year on a variety of habits. For over a year I tracked these with a spreadsheet daily to see if I hit a bunch of habits. I had like 25 or so of these. Everything from drink a gallon of water a day to meditation to wake up when the alarm goes off etc. I was overall very consistent with these and I'm really proud of my discipline with this and progress. More recently a problem came up from studying too much and getting burnt out on the computer. 15+ hours weekly of studying and 40 hours a week working. Both on a computer the whole time. It really dragged me down. I was really giving 100% waking up at 4:00am to study before work 2 hours and still meditate 30 minutes as well. More recently I've backed off from the intensity I've had. I've stayed up a little later, slept in some. And just took it easy in some regards without really dropping too much. But I also want to get back to where I was. Honestly last summer I was more motivated, more energized and just had more vitality. I've also given in to indulgence with some bad habits and have settled for less than excellence in those areas. So just brainstorming here are my main habits and why: Daily spiritual practice This is the foundation. Each day I have to invite God in through prayer, meditation, chanting and review This includes deep breathing breathwork No porn / retention Discipline in this area carries over to so many other areas This helps my vitality and energy Porn is not my ideal, it makes me feel low and pathetic. It's not real, I want a real girl Cold exposure Cold showers daily The mind that talks me into a cold shower is the mind that talks me out of bad habits Eat clean No processed food or sugary foods, no eating out, vegan Phone / computer habits This one is so important to avoid distraction. It's also easy to have good habits for awhile and then go back to bad habits Avoid checking my phone and wandering on the internet by Having a phone box - when I'm not using the phone it goes into the box Turn off my phone if I don't need it Have a list of topics / good things to search on the internet. This is all I can look up, keep the list and then be productive and look up valuable info Can't just get on youtube or just look on dumb sites, especially on my phone Exercise Need vigorous exercise each day, but can have an off day if I'm really sore or really deserve it - in that case substitue with a walk or easy bike ride or something if I'm working a physical job that counts This helps my mood so much and presence, but I've been missing this Stay positive and optimisticNot sure how to put this into practice - need to figure out a way to actually implement this Maybe it's just a positive mantra to really keep in my mind during the day and to actually work on this So important for me to see the world this way So these are the 7 habits I've come up with. I kind of think of these as the most important I'd say. Other habits are obviously good, but these are the ones I don't want to compromise on, I don't want to take days off, and I really want to give these 100% Let's see how it goes*Daily spiritual practice*Attitude of service*Mental and emotional states*No porn / retention*Cold exposure*Eat clean*Phone & computer habits*Exercise*Stay positive and optimistic

Aug 16 Interesting day. I finished strong but was in doubt a lot of the day. Just was feeling uncomfortable from the uncertainty. But got some stuff done at work and then turned a corner in the afternoon. Also went to a meeting which was good and also had strong habits during the day. So all around good effort. my faith will catch up with my actions. I've just felt tested some since this has been a big choice with a lot of uncertainty. What all this means is that I've been forced to grow and will be forced to grow. The good news is that my spiritual practice has been solid and my habits have been pretty good although I want to improve those even more. I also have a strong desire to keep working for a nice future, I'm making changes to do that and this scares me a bit. I'm scared of things not working out, scared of having to start over, scared of regret etc. Instead I want to live in trust and faith and keep working hard. Just lean into the future and know that I'm on a good path. + spiritual practice: good morning session to start the day. going to do a second session now as well. This was the contract I made with God, not about what I'm going ot get but about what I'm going to give. Every day I'm going to give time for prayer meditation and review. I'm not going to take time off, I'm not going to stop either. It's just a strong committment that I got. + attitude of service: improvement here. better effort, although stuck in self some with my worries. but still improvement so noted. I did a good job of contributing / mental and emotional states: finished strong but for the better part of the day in doubt and worrry. Started when I woke up in the night some and when I got up. Only in the afternoon did things clear some adn I got in a better spot + life habits: good here. cold shower, good diet, good all around but could get some more exercise in moved forward today

Aug 15 Still in doubt and fear some. Even though I've had a pretty good outcome with being able to go part time at work I've had an issue with fear and doubt lately. I haven't felt this to this degree in over a year. Despite having a still pretty solid spiritual practice I've receded back into doubt and fear. I just need to trust God. I want to get back to the place of seeing life as opportunity, as being engaged, as being excited with life. Most of the time I have been this. It's just lately I've been in the neighborhood of doubt. So tomorrow I want to improve this and start making preparations for the change. If I start taking action that will help. Beyond that keep investing in God and trust that I'll find a way forward. I'm definitely in a challenging time and I definitely want to turn to God and really grow. + spiritual practice: went to church with my mom which was nice. I like going with her so that I show that spiritual stuff is important to me. Going to do a meditation session now. / attitude of service: okay actions, but stuck in self. I want to get that outward energy more, be more engaged and energized, be more oriented toward the world and toward others. Today just stuck in doubt and fear which prevents me from really being helpful - mental and emotional states: felt disconnected and blocked off. not in the neighborhood of positivity like I would like to be. the doubt and fear brought me down some. I want to keep working to improve this / life habits: okay but not great. I want to set myself up to really take this to another level. I'd like to get exercise and diet really on track and not make any compromises. I feel like I'm in a weird transition but soon I'll really take my habits to another level like they were not too long ago moved forward today, even though it was difficult. It's going to be a tough transition. But I'd like to keep putting in effort and build the faith and the trust. I think I'm so upset because I really take work seriosuly and I want to progress here. So now that I'm making a change I feel like this important area of my life is in some doubt. So I want to keep the effort to keep this a priority and keep improving

Aug 14 Mixed day. Felt challenged in the morning. Went to the temple to chant and meditate with the monks but I was drowsy. Came home and felt a little off and awkward. Just didn't feel connected and was in some doubt and fear. Just feeling out of place with life and not knowing what to do or that I've found my place. Which I guess I haven't. Don't really feel like I've found my place yet. Met up with a friend and went to a meeting which was good. After that felt more participatory and had better energy. Missing doing WHM breathing, my meditation sessions have been good but my breathing sessions I'm missing. Glad to see family some which is good. There aren't all that many opportunities so when it happens it's good. Basically I need to get more energized, connected, optmisitc and see the changes coming my way as opportunites. + spiritual practice: good effort this morning but drowsy / attitude of service: good in action, i was helpful throughout the day. But I felt off and not really a part of. So not the greatest outward energy, but this did improve some over the course of the day / mental and emotional states: better later in the day but not great. still have some doubt and worry about the decision i made to switch up work. i want to see this as opportunity instead and be willing to embrace whatever comes next. i want to get and feel excited about life and feel capable - life habits: not so good with diet. soon i'm really going to get strict and not deviate. i like eating clean moved forward today. Going to need to get really serious about life and making good choices and not compromising and really just doing my best.

Aug 13 Wow had a great run today. It was really hot out and I ran really far and adapted to the heat. Just focused on my breathing and got into a rhythm. I felt great. It's so important to have vigorous exercise. I've been falling short here for sure. Last summer I was much more active with climbing mountains and exercising. I dropped off during the winter and then was studying so much that it fell off. I get more negative and down if I don't really put a lot of effort into exercising. So got to find a way to keep that up. Running might be it for awhile. But I also need to switch and have variety because I got bored with body weight exercises. Other than that a good day overall but did fall into doubt. With the changes coming up with work and going out to california I've been in some doubt and worry which isn't good. Need to really keep things up. Also need to recommit to good habits and not make compromises. Soon I want to journal on my core habits that I can't compromise on. + spiritual practice: chanting and meditating with the monks is the best way to start the day / attitude of service: found ways to be helpful, but also stuck in self some so need to improve that / mental and emotional states: mixed. not as good as I want this to be. was in doubt over the future instead of being excited. I want to get to a place where I really feel dialed in and ready to go / life habits: pretty good overall, but diet has been tripping me up. i need to not compromise on eating processed food. just can't do it moved forward today

Aug 12 Decent day but unclean diet. Every time I come to my sisters it is like this. I snack too much and eat processed foods. Also end up eating desserts also. I really want to set into place a really strict diet and never stray from it. Did have a nice meditation this morning which was good considering I'm not home. Also did a decent job of being helpful and service. Just tried to help around the house. Also hung out with family and was pretty present which was great. One problem was I fell into some lustful thinking. I really want to tranform my sexual energy and have a lot of discipline here. So a lot of this starts with the mental sphere and really directing that. So I'd say I'm almost a week retention and so the energy is high which is good. I just need to direct it. So decent day overall though and ready for tomorrow. + spiritual practice: solid morning session here so did my job today of keeping connection and making this the foundation + attitude of service: also good here. had good outward energy. ready to be helpful in small ways. not overly stuck in self / mental and emotional states: pretty good except for the lustful thinking. Overall good but still dipping into doubt some. I really want to have greater trust for the future. That's the big thing - i have a clear idea of the direction I'm heading in and what a goal is but some uncertainty of what to do and how to get there. Here I really just need to trust God and do my best - life habits: negative because of poor diet choices. Also my workout was weak. I need to get more serious about my workouts and feeling stronger. has to be a priority moved forward today

Aug 11 Good day today. I slept well last night which helped. Discussing the work situation with the bosses was good. Glad that's over. Now I can transition to what's next. So today was a good day because the pressure of that conversation is off. I had a really nice meditation session this morning. Always good to start the day with significant and meaningful prayer and meditation. Decent day at work also. Trying to be helpful and contribute. But at a really chill pace. Overall better day with how I felt internally also. I was oriented well and not in fear, doubt, worry, etc. Much more optimistic and positive. + spiritual practice: really solid morning session. Need to bring this on the road which will be difficult since I'm at my sisters with family. Need to set aside time for this. + attitude of service: in a better place than in the past week. not stuck in self so much. better oriented toward contributing. so improvement here + mental and emotional states: not in worry like I had been. felt more connected and better overall. more faith that I'm still on a good path that is leading somewhere good / life habits: mostly good but bad diet choices at my sisters. that always happens here. I end up eating a lot of processed food. moved forward today

I work at a college in admissions. I used to teach in an adjunct type role also. I really think college is NOT worth the debt for the majority of students. Most colleges need you more than you need them. If I could do it again I would've built my finances and freedom first. I could talk a lot on this topic but generally unless college is paid for probably not all that good of a deal for most kids.

Aug 10 Today was an interesting day. I had a really strong morning meditation. Really one of the best in awhile. 45 minutes or so and it was effortless. Just in a nice state of focus and strength and peace. So that felt good considering all of the worry I've been in. At work I was a little nervous about the conversation with my bosses but I just focused during lunch and had a vision of having the strength to follow through. Anyway I was able to talk with them and it turns out they'll let me go part time remote which was kinda what I wanted in the first place. So it turns out things kind of worked out. This felt really good becasue I felt bad leaving because of the work I contribute to our team. Not like I'm all that special but the work I do definitely helps. So it's good I can help them transition and train a new person when they find one. The big thing here was where was my faith? The past couple of weeks I've struggled with doubt, fear, worry, regret, insecurity, self pity, etc. It's been tough. What's good is that I kept up my spiritual practice during the time. But i didn't have strong faith. So things worked out and I can see how I should have trust. Even if this didn't happen things would still have worked out. So a big thing is to just keep giving time to God and to keep a spiritual orientation and keep doing my best. If I do that then I know life will happen for me and I can serve God as best I can. + spiritual practice: decent session now, also did a great morning session. so overall here I did a great job today / attitude of service: improvement here. was helpful at work. better outward orientation toward helping others. / mental and emotional states: tested in the morning at work. was in a place of nervousness. afternoon felt connected again which is fantastic. so i'm on a good trajectory here + life habits: good here. living clean. back on retention and celibacy to get my energy up, get more vitality and optimism and to have better discipline. this makes a big difference moved forward today

Aug 9th Better day for my energy and action. Did a bunch of good things today. Just had a spectacular evening meditation. That felt so good. might even go back for more. Good morning session also to start the day. Played some tennis which was nice. Had some good phone conversations. But I also fell into some doubt and worry. Lately this has been eating me up some. I've been in a lot of hurt over leaving this job. Just a lot of fear and doubt. So I need to do better than that. My faith can disappear when I'm tested, this is also a product of indulging in bad habits. I really want to develop a really strong faith and continue to grow. So taking care of my sex ideal is a high priority. So tomorrow looks like the day I talk with my supervisors and put in my notice that i'm leaving. It's gonna be tough but it's something I got to do it feels like. really been struggling with this decision since it brings out fear. just need to have the conversation tomorrow and commit to whats next and then follow through. Then the fear will disappear. Also just need to trust God + spiritual practice: solid job here. keep this up - attitude of service: still stuck in self most of the day. didn't have great outward energy looking for opportunities to serve / mental and emotional states: in the middle here. both good in some senses and bad in others. moved between confidence and doubt, optmisim and pessimissm, etc. + life habits: good here. recommiting to celibacy for the time being. I want discipline and clarity in that area of my life. I'm also willing to do more to improve this and really come forth and invite spirit in moved forward today

Aug 8 Tough day emotionally but I took good action. Really filled the day with good things to be productive and move forward. really nice meditation sessions and really nice habits. I'm going celibate again for awhile after recently watching porn. That really takes me down a few levels when I fall short there. It just disconnects me from spirit and makes me feel low. Problem is I go back to it when I feel lonely or stressed for distraction. But I want to be done with it. I'm much better off when I'm really away from it. The 15 months porn free was great. lately I've regressed. I don't even watch porn that often, but it's damaging when I do. I went 3 months recenlty fully celibate which was good. Point is that I need to get back to that level of discipline and clarity. I want to have a good day tomorrow. I need to get back feeling connected. I have a big decision coming up and I can't be in doubt or fear. I need to live in trust and faith. So tough day today but I put in solid effort to turn it around. Hoping to get some good sleep and get a solid start to tomorrow. + spiritual practice: really nice sessions today. I can't compromise here. Credit for doing this on a day I felt a little off - attitude of service: basically zero outward energy, stuck in self today - my problems, my doubts, my fears, etc. Didn't have an orientation toward others - mental and emotional states: in the negative neighborhood. I make bad choices and then I have the consequence of visiting this place. I don't want to be here. It is no good to feel down. No confidence or optimism today. Really only saw how things could go wrong + life habits: put good effort in here. Lived pretty clean and did a decent job overall. Big thing is becoming celibate again. I really would like to clean up that area of my life. I want to not feel lonely. I want to have discipline and take a spiritual perspective toward that area of life. It's difficult but there are benefits.

Aug 7 Day started out strong but I fell short of my ideals and watched porn. Frustrating how I go back to this every so often. I'd like to get back to the place I was at when I never watched it for well over a year. Now it's like I don't watch it for weeks or months but then go back. When I go back it's because I'm feeling down and it's a distraction. And I'm a little lonely. It's all tied in with poor internet use in general. My internet use lately has been so distracted. Just checking dumb articles on my phone. This doesn't help at all. Anyway this is something I really want to improve. I think I'm going back to being celibate like I was for 3 months. It takes a bunch of effort to get going and a lot of disicpline to maintain but there are some good benefits. I really want to be at my best in this area. When I was celibate i had such good energy and focus. So I got to get back on track. I think I got some big life changes coming up so it's important for me to do my best here. I want to have a really disciplined, clean, spiritual life as the foundation. Tough day that I gave in here. But if I go celibate that can be something that forces me to grow. Didn't move forward today. I can't compromise on this like I did today and expect to grow and make progress.

Aug 6 A solid day. Was really helpful to others. Cleaned my sisters kitchen which was good. Also met and hung out with a new guy trying to get sober. So just trying to be helpful to him and support him some. That made me feel really connected and useful. Also back on track for feeling more positive and optmistic. Wasn't really in fear, doubt, self pity today. Instead felt more trust. Only thing coming up is lustful thinking. Just being single has been a challenge this past year. I've been thinking about what the ideal is for this area of my life. I definitely don't want to watch porn and I'm not now. But it still feels like an option that is out there. So I want to avoid that. Today this was on my mind some. Other than that a solid day. + spiritual practice: nice morning session to start the day right. Need to stay committed to this on the daily + attitude of service: really good here. today I had more opportunities to be helpful than normal. So that was fantastic. Felt really good to help a new guy. + mental and emotional states: in a better place. Feeling kind of confident about the future. Also feeling like I can trust God and things will work out. / Life habits: overall pretty good. Didn't get intense exercise in. That's the one area where I'd really like to improve more. Also had too much lustful thinking which distracted me. Moved forward today

Aug 5 Another pretty good day. I think the biggest phase of fear and doubt is over. I can kind of sit with this decision for a bit before I finalize it. It does feel like I'll make a change though. Things like this do worry me some and stress me some. But ultimately I'll be okay either way and today I felt that. So a little more energized today, feeling more confident and back on track. Also just feeling proud of the effort and growth I've had this year. Other than that I got news that my uncle is sick which is sad. He might pass away even since it's serious. It's tough too because the whole family is all over the country and it's not so easy to go visit. That makes it kind of sad also, not being somewhere when it's important. Families nowadays live in a bunch of different cities which is difficult because not everyone is really close. Today was just thinking what a great guy my uncle is. It's sad to think of him in a hospital. This has happened relatively quickly too which is sad. All this made me reflect on mortality, life and how important it is to really make the most of our time and connect with spirit. When I think like this it's easy to see that some of the things I worry about aren't really all that important. So good to consider mortality for proper perspective. + spiritual practice: really nice morning session again, setting myself up for success + attitude of service: better outward energy, felt better about contributing at work. Not stuck in self as much + mental and emotional states: felt like I'm getting back on offense. seeing life as an opportunity, seeing life as a chance to put myself out there and do my best, more confident and optimistic / life habtis: pretty good overall, still can get to a higher standard, especially with exercises. need to find something to excite me and to train for moved forward today

Aug 4 A more solid day and moving in the right direction. Had a sense of peace for the first time in awhile. I kind of felt that no matter what I do things will be okay. That's a good feeling and I haven't been there in awhile. The upcoming decision has been weighing on me heavily. It's felt really good to just sit with this and now get to a better place. Tomorrow I want to keep this good momentum up. I'm feeling stronger and more confidence. So that's good. I've dipped a little but I've been tested and will make it through. I've also been investing more in meditation and prayer and have been at a lower intensity for work. This is good. I needed to relax a bit and recharge. I've really went hard this year. Gearing up for another solid year coming up. Ready to get motivated and build a nice future. + spiritual practice: good morning session, will do a second session now + attitude of service today: good here also. better outward energy, not stuck in self. was really helpful and useful to people today at work. took some time to show others how things worked + mental and emotional states: first time in a bit that I've felt more connected and trustful. felt good about things and was out of negative emotions like doubt, worry, regret, fear, frustration, etc. Chilling out at worked has helped a bunch also. + life habits: lived pretty clean today. really only negative was I slept past my alarm moved forward today whatever i do next I'm going to embrace it and match the energy of this year. Just each day give my best, keep doing that over years, and then I'll build a nice life.

Sorry to hear this. Getting money to have some freedom is difficult... it really takes prioritizing money. Not really what I want to be doing when my steps on this earth are limited. But I'm trying to fix my finances too so I can have some freedom also. Good luck!

Aug 3 Decent day but still some anxiety over my decision. Everything is in motion, just need to give the notice at work if I want to do that. I have about a week to decide. So I can kind of test how it feels at the edge of the decision. I get a little sick to my stomach sometimes. I have some fear and worry and doubt. That starts to wear on me. Not exactly sure what to do and I kind of feel bad leaving this job. Fear of starting over again which I always do. Fear of not making it. Things have been tough on me lately with this decision. Anyway, other than that a decent day. Felt pretty good about my decisions overall and my habits. Feels really good not studying in the morning. So much time frees up. Feels so good to have more time for spiritual practice, hanging with friends, exercising, etc. + Spiritual practice: really nice morning session here. Felt really connected during meditation. Lately this practice has kept up. / Attitude of service: pretty decent here. good action and better attitude. not studying so much and being burnt out on screen time has really helped. Only problem is I'm still in my head over what to do and that gets me stuck in self / mental and emotional states: decent but definitely not energized, optimistic, ready to take on the future. Somewhat stuck in doubt and fear + life habits: pretty good here. woke up early before my alarm and first thing i did was get in a cold shower. That's kinda normal now. Last summer I couldn't just wake up first thing and take a cold shower. now I'm pretty good at it. granted it's summer and the water isn't ice cold but still i'm pretty strong about this moved forward today

Aug 2 Feeling more directed today. So much going on with this decision about my job. The wheels are basically in motion. Only thing left really is to notify work. I'm gonna hold off on that for a bit and see how this feels. But already have planned to move out of my place, live with a friend and work with another friend. It feels overwhelming sometimes to make a change. I worry I'm making a mistake. But probably gotta leave that behind. If I want to I can still just find work and move forward confidently with God. The big thing is trust. That's hard to come by. Even with my daily efforts to connect with God and have faith it's easy for me to fall into fear and doubt. I want to know that as long as I stick with God that I'll have everything I need to complete the journey. Tomorrow probably another big conversation. Dont' have to pull the trigger but probably have to pull the trigger within the next week and a half. + spiritual practice: two really nice sessions. felt great to settle in to meditation. it's really natural to have 30+ minute sessions. 45 is a sweet spot when that happens. I'm keeping God first, that is my commitment. I've really committed to this day in and day out. / attitude of service: okay but not great. stuck in self, fear, doubt which prevented me from having strong outward energy. prevented me from a strong contribution / mental and emotional states: finished the day strong, so that's good. felt better about that. getting back to a good orientation toward mental strenght and discipline. I've really been tested lately with this decision. I really feel this here. so need to do even better + life habits: definitely better here. back to clean living which feels nice. it's not good to fall short when I feel off. That's what happens, if I feel off I seek distraction in bad habits. Today was solid here so I want to keep this up. moved forward today.

Aug 1 Decent day, feel more connected now but somewhat difficult times during the day with the doubt I have about work. Probably moving on though. Gonna see what that looks like and gonna talk to people tomorrow about this I think. Might have an opportunity to work with a friend cleaning carpets which would be nice. That way I can make some money and just kind of see what's next. Today did some fun things to take my mind off of the decision. Was nice to hike and go for a bike ride. + spiritual practice: really nice meditation session after wim hof breathing. That really got my morning off to a good start. I have got to keep up my investment with God. That is number one. Really got to keep God first. No matter what happens if I keep God first I'll be okay. - attitude of service: stuck mostly in self today. Just really worried about the future and myself, didn't have really good outward energy. Need to look to stay oriented toward others and contribute - mental and emotional states: in a lot of doubt over the future. I want more faith and the feeling that I can't make a wrong decision. That God is directing me and that I need not fear. Easier said than done of course. But I'd like to have that feeling that God will direct me and that I can meet the circumstances that present themselves. + life habits: pretty good here. Really nice cold shower, pretty good diet which is nice. Exercise was good also. Moved forward today

Journal session I really am not sure what to do. I'm really thinking about leaving this job but I have worry about what would be next. Of course I could work somewhere else but it's just I'd like to leave on good terms and I've only been at this job for a little over a year. My problem is I only have really done anything lately for a year and then I switch. And it's tough starting over. When I'm not working I don't feel good. Working gives me direction and purpose. I do worry about not having a strong reference even though it's clear I'm not one to climb the ladder or have anything that looks like a normal career. So part of me wonders why I should even worry about it. But money is more important to me the older I get and starting new is always tough. But I definitely also don't see myself working do the same thing for years without a break. So that's the predicament really. The practical thing to do would be to just stay at this job for another 10 months and make the best of it. That way I'd have 2 years at the same job. And I'd have some more savings. But it would suck to just count down the time at work just to say I worked there 2 years. That kind of thing makes me cringe. I don't feel like I've been put on this planet just to count down my time at a job. It's also tough because the practical thing would be to just find a similar job that pays better, get that job before I leave this job. But I also don't want to do that. I just want to take a little time off and travel and take a sabbatical. So even if I stay two years I just see myself taking time off anyway. I could just leave and get another job now... but I don't really want that. Even some of these jobs that pay more. I look at them and I feel that it's not something I really want to do. There's a lot of people out there that can somehow just stick with a career path, keep on the trajectory and they end up having more responsibility and making more money. That was never me when I was younger and now I feel like I'm trying to turn myself into that so I could make more money. Some people do want different things out of life, or have a different set of values, or just accept that that's how things are and stick it out doing the same thing. What's holding me back also is that I kind of feel bad for our team, I definitely contribute and it would be one less person on the team that would make life difficult for everyone else. I do like some of the contributions I've made over the past year. The pros of leaving are I get to get on with my life and figure out whatever is next, I get to take some time off and travel - i could go visit a girl I dated in Italy for awhile, i wouldn't have to stay at a job that I don't see myself doing long term, work atmosphere can be tense at times so i wouldn't have to deal with that The cons of leaving are it's covid time and it's limited with where I could really travel or what I could do, i would have to start over - that is emotionally draining something about that makes me feel worthless and in doubt, I'd lose out on the 401k plan i'm in now at work which is pretty good, my intention was to stay two years which i wouldn't have done The thing is this isn't the life I want... I'm glad I've given this a try but the way things are now isn't exactly what I want. So I know a change is coming, the question is just when. It feels like the things holding me back are mostly negative emotions - say doubt, fear of letting people down, uncertain future, etc. Maybe I just need to get more excited about whatever is next and just go do it. I'm more leaning toward that than staying. But I just can't pull the trigger - will probably try to talk to the bosses tomorrow.

Jul 31 Mixed day. Some victories but also challenges. My internet use on my phone is distracting and a big negative. It's just checking pointless websites to distract myself. It just instantly disconnects me. I got to bring back the phone box and just turn off my phone sometimes. I'm feeling doubt and uncertainty over the future and what to do so I go to this habit. Also didn't have the best diet and just was feeling a little off. Pretty soon here I'm going to have to commit on what to do. Beyond that I'm glad I didn't watch porn. Kinda felt like watching porn but it's important that I keep that area of my life clean from that distraction. So that was a victory. Also did some nice service today. Washed a car to help out, tried to be helpful at my sisters also. Big thing is just making a decision though. + spiritual practice: really strong morning session of chanting and meditation with the monks at the temple + attitude of service: found multiple ways to be helpful today. so that was something that made me feel more connected and useful - mental and emotional states: definitely want to improve here. felt some uncertainty and doubt, receded into a bit of self pity and lower thoughts. didn't have the confidence and faith that i want. / life habits: mixed. not living super clean which should be my standard. I want to get back to living a motivated and purposeful life. last year this time i was because i was taking work and life seriosuly and was not compromising on habits. i need the same attitude: I just can't compromise on habits. i can't compromise on my spiritual life and putting God first. I have to work really hard to build a nice life. so it's up to me to do this. still moved forward today