soos_mite_ah

I would put show Queer Eye in between orange and green (roughly 35% orange and 65% green). This particular analysis of the show however is pretty heavily green.

I've recently been getting into understanding the unconscious/subconscious mind. I was wondering on how to measure how much of your unconscious is left unexplored or how to measure how healthy one's unconscious mind is. I know things like meditation and perhaps analyzing dreams can give vital insight about what the unconscious is trying to tell us. Self development (especially when it comes to moving up the spiral or through the stages) can help reveal and work through the unconscious in a conscious manner. I was wondering if there is anything else that one can use to analyze and measure where the unconscious is in terms of development and how much of it we are aware of.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes For the last couple months I have been trying to shake this weird kid label that was slapped onto me in childhood through shadow work. It's been working well but I think there are some ways that I can expand on dismantling this label. One thing that I have yet to try until now is being more basic or being more of a "normie" (I just don't like this term. It reminds me of incels. So I'm going to use basic). I'm trying to incorporate more mainstream things into my life style. Some things may include binging on Netflix more, namely shows that are like Friends and New Girl, watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, drinking more Starbucks, listening to the top 40 on the charts etc. To be honest, I don't know what super mainstream stuff is all I know is that it's not what I typically gravitate towards. Like even as I type this stuff out, it feels weird and unnatural for me. I don't watch shows like that, the main things I watch on YouTube have to do with meditation and self help, and my music is just a very odd mix to say the least. I feel the resistance. It's not so much that I have judgements over these things or that I don't feel comfortable with it, but it's more of I much rather do something else. I guess another aspect of this that feels uncomfortable is that I'm doing this to develop myself. Normally people see developing oneself as going off the beaten path or discovering new ideas, in other words becoming less basic. Becoming basic and conformist seems like the antithesis of this. But for me personally, I feel like I need to be more basic, not for the sake of fitting in with other people, but to fully transcend my "weird kid" label. I think that this label comes with both a superiority complex and an inferiority complex. The way I'm going to describe this is going to be cartoonish simple for the sake of brevity and clarity but I assure you it plays out in a much more subtle way in my psyche. Superiority: I'm so different, unique, and creative. I'm so much better than everyone who is just a conformist who goes with everything that society says. Look at all of the sheeple. Inferiority: I'm so weird. No one likes me. No one will understand me or want to be friends with me. I'm ugly and too weird to mix with everyone. I need to isolate myself because I'm so cringey. And so I guess the best way to stop judging myself and other more basic people is to embrace my own basicness. Being basic feels unnatural and I feel like I'd rather be doing something else but then again it only seems that way because a lot of our preferences are an acquired taste that have to do with the development of our egos. I remember some time ago I decided that I was going to embrace my feminine side. I felt a similar type of resistance back then. I figured, hey being a tomboy feels natural to me, I don't want to play around with makeup. While I didn't consciously or intentionally judge traditionally feminine things, there was an air of discomfort around it. I went ahead and tried to embrace femininity anyway. And I grew a lot from that. I uncovered and dismantled A LOT of internalized misogyny. I learned to be more in tuned and more expressive with my emotions. I finally figured out how to dress, do my makeup, and my hair without looking like an absolute disaster. I also found out that I look better with long hair and that doing my makeup is rather relaxing. I learned how to be more vulnerable, how to let other people take care of me. I learned how to not be an idiot around guys and more. There are some traditionally feminine things that never resonated with me. They include being high maintenance, being like this archetype of the prim and proper classy lady 24/7 that is largely influenced by elitism and Eurocentric standards, having a maternal instinct (though I am still exploring that one), wearing a skirt, and being super elaborate with my makeup. But for the most part, I can embrace my femininity. Sure I'm still a tomboy at heart who can go camping, be super relaxed, and still take down guys who are a foot taller than me but I have since expanded my sense of self to the more gentle side of me. That's what I hope to do with integrating my basicness. I hope to embrace that part of myself and maybe even explore into more mainstream territory to see what I like. But by no means am I obligated to accept everything my way. And also by no means am I obligated to abandon all of the more unconventional things about me. The key isn't to suppress the weird parts of me, it's to expand beyond that. I'm still going to be into self actualization, but I'm also going to be watching the Kardashians. I don't see why I can't do both. And if it doesn't work out, I can always stop. And similar to the way that I embraced my femininity to get rid of my internalized misogyny, I'm embracing my basicness to get rid of my superiority and inferiority complex I got due to the events in my childhood. Also aside from my personal stuff, I think there is an important thing I can learn about how normies think. It can keep one grounded and understand the terrain in which consciousness is in collectively. I have seen a lot of the people on this forum overestimate how conscious the average person is and judge them negatively for that. Sure they may be a lower level of consciousness, but they are where they are and they will progress at their own rate. Being lower or higher consciousness is not bad or good given that good/bad are largely an egoic illusory construct. But nevertheless, I do see that sense of judgement. I think It's important to understand what the average person off the street thinks both in terms of seeing how we can raise consciousness and just for regular socialization. For instance I'm not going to go up to a random person and start talking about how we don't exist, how I am God, and how they need to watch Leo's 2 hour videos weekly. I will look like I'm in a cult. No offense to Leo, his videos are amazing and have helped me immensely but I'm just aware on how things can come across to people who haven't really watched a lot of his videos. Understanding that and instead opting to weave in what I learned from actualized.org videos into regular conversations as opposed to making people watch the channel is one of the ways that understanding basic people can come in handy when socializing. Like with all perspectives, the perspective of a basic person is important, just as important as things that aren't mainstream. What consists of off the beaten path is relative to people according to their comfort zone. For most people the billboard top 40 is considered the path everyone takes with their music taste and everything else is seen as off the beaten path. For me however, that is flipped. For me, the unventured territory is the mainstream one. So catch me with a pumpkin spice latte.

CHUG THE SELF-LOVE JUICE Lately I haven't been posting much. I have been really stressed with school and life in general. Whenever I catch myself feeling like absolute trash I write down what I'm feeling, walk away to take care of myself, and then critique what I wrote by hyping myself up and giving myself advice. I also stress eat a lot and I finished an entire packet of brownie brittle in one sitting but this isnt about that (but it was nice not gonna lie). I like to imagine myself as my own best friend and as my own therapist. It makes me feel really self assured, helps me give myself some distance and objectivity over a situation, and helps me learn better because the lessons actually sink in as I write and speak to myself positively. So here it is. I present to yall my most recent breakdown. The red is me during my emotional outburst and the commentary under it is how I'm choosing to deal with it. I literally haven’t slept last night because I have been freaking out about what I'm going to do with my life after college. First of all, we’re already on a bad start. You’re running on sleep deprivation and anxiety. Because of that your thoughts aren’t going to be the best reflection of reality. Take a nap, eat something, shower, and then we’ll talk. Like I'm not impressive in any way. I'm not going to an amazing school. Ok your mom literally conditioned you to think that any school that isn’t an ivy isn’t worth going to at a young age. Like literally after your first day of preschool she asked you what college you want to go to and then made you choose between Harvard and MIT even though at that age you didn’t know what either of those places were and you pronounced MIT as mitt (like as in oven mitt). I’m glad that even from a young age you didn’t internalize the desire to get into an ivy league college and were willing to challenge that as you got older by applying to places like NYU but you still carry the internalized belief that unless you go to an elite school, you’re going to end up homeless. This also has to do with the political/ economic structure you grew up in, namely post 2008, which gave you the impression that if you don’t graduate from an ivy with a STEM degree you’re doomed to be working as a coffee barista reading Buzzfeed articles for the rest of your life. Also the fact that you're in a pandemic with the most incompetent people in power doesn’t help. Understand that this isn’t you, it’s internalized capitalism, but at the same time don’t let this be a limiting belief. You can still go after what you want. Perfectionism is only holding you back. And I know that the way you’re acting isn’t typical for you but your true colors and internalized beliefs slip out when you’re stressed and insecure and to that I will say, a college degree is a college degree. You’ve got to stop with this inferiority complex because even though you have been wronged by your strict Asian parents in the past, when you talk like this you sound elitist, pretentious, and entitled as fuck. Stop for the sake of everyone but especially for your own sake because this isn’t great for your self-esteem. Like girl it’s not a good look. I see you breaking out. Chug that self-love juice and have some school spirit because your college is a decent school. My gpa is mediocre to say the least. Ok and you can raise your GPA. You’ll be fine. Sure you’re going to have to work hard and not get sleep but if you beat yourself up along this journey, it’s going to take longer and you’re going to be more exhausted. Chug the self-love juice. I didn’t get a chance to study abroad and get an internship because I was hit with a health issues during the summer after my freshman year and a pandemic during the summer after my sophomore year which cancelled all of my plans. In regards to health issues, you did what you needed to do. If you pushed through that, chances are the shit that you were dealing with would have extended on for a while. You handled that situation to the best of your ability given the information and the coping mechanisms you had at the time. In regards to the gap on your resume for 2020, I’m sure employers will understand. This was literally global and everyone had to deal with it. And it’s not like you didn’t have plans and you were intending on bumming out for the summer (which you didn’t at all). You had it in the bag and you did what was in your power. I understand that you want to take responsibility for this situation and take control but you need to understand that beating yourself up and putting yourself in a place of shame isn’t going to help you to respond in this situation. Be gentle with yourself. This is the third time I’m saying this and I’m probably going to keep saying this but. CHUG. THE. SELF-LOVE. JUICE. Also there is a pandemic happening. There are bigger things happening in the world other than your cancelled trip to Japan and lack of work experience. I understand it hurts and it’s ok to feel that way. This is a difficult time for everyone. But also, keep things into perspective or you’ll end up sounding like the Kim Kardashian crying, diamond earring meme. And just when I was feeling better about life, i had to move back in with my parents. I'm turning 21 in about a month but I honestly feel like I'm 13 again because I back in my home town, because of the way my parents treat me, and because I'm trapped at home all the time. That’s normal. It’s normal to feel like you’re childhood self when you’re back to familiar surroundings. It takes most people a while to fully get over that. Also its ok that adulthood feels like a shock to you and that you essentially still feel like a child in some aspects. Think about it this way. You’re always changing as a person. You’re definitely not the same person you were when you were 10 because you’ve grown since then. But you can’t exactly pinpoint where you stopped being your old self and you started being who you are today because the changes were gradual and continuous. That’s why you feel as if you’re still your 13 year old self but I assure you that you are an adult and you can cope with this. 13 year old you wouldn’t be able to hold this down like you are right now. She couldn’t even order at a Chick fil A without turning into an emo, socially awkward, anxious mess. Also she had a lot of internalized misogyny, was in her “im not like other girls” phase, her peak for humor was the 2012 moustache trend and the only adjective she knew how to use was epic. Trust me, you’ve grown since then. You aren’t your old 13 year old self even though you circumstances now may have similarities with that. And I get that you get nostalgic over the things from 2008-2012. I see you listening to Kesha more and more while you work out. But keep in mind that nostalgia is deceptive and paints things in rose toned glasses. It easy to look back at your childhood and think it was super easy when really it wasn’t and the only reason why you think that is because now you have the coping mechanisms to deal with the problems you had back then. It’s like math. You look back at the algebra you were working on in the 6th grade and you’re like “wow that was so easy, why was I tripping over 5x+2=12?” when really it feels easy for you now because you know what you are doing but when you were learning it for the first time, you were pressed af. Same thing with life lessons. You look back now and you’re like “why was I tripping over this trifling ass bitch” but at that age, you were struggling to figure this stuff out because you had a lack of life experiences. Which is why it doesn’t make sense for parents to yell at you for being incompetent because you’re literally just learning. That’s a whole nother subject but you really shouldn’t do that to yourself either. Also, I understand the fuzzy feelings that comes with nostalgia, but do you really want to go back to this…… Granted we have our own cringy trends in this decade. Like we’re defiantly going to look back at tik tok and cringe at half of this shit. But as far as YOLO and Swag goes, it couldn’t be me lol. And speaking about pandemics, I don't even want to think about the depression (both economic and emotional that is coming towards me. I'm also reevaluating whether or not i even want to continue with my major and I think I'm essentially wasting my life. It’s ok to question or even change your major. But don’t just do that, because you think it’s hard. I see that you derive pleasure from seeing how smart you are by choosing subjects that you’re good at (or think you’re good at) and by just saying you’re a finance major. Obviously this isn’t the only reason why I’m majoring in finance but like let me be honest with myself. Also you can do more things with a business degree than wasting your life away in a high paying corporate job that works you to the bone. Not every work environment is like. You’re just surrounded a bunch of really competitive people who, despite having the confidence to assert themselves, they don’t have self-respect to set boundaries and are willing to sell their souls to an abusive boss. They use Linked In like it’s an actual social media site, and they are definitely doing to have a mid-life crisis at 35 when they realize they hate their spouse and kids or that have no time for them because they were living their lives as if they were in the Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah there is something to learn from them, namely networking and knowing to assert yourself but just know that the environment you’re in isn’t reflective of everywhere in society. And remember what your professor told you. You may feel like an outcast in corporate America because you want to make friends and be creative but just know that there is a place for you and that even if people aren’t the same as you or that people hate you, know that what you have to offer is valuable. You are a liberal woman of color with creativity, empathy, and an understanding of how not to take advantage of consumers and workers. Corporate America might resist that, but honey, you are its future. The trends and the political environment is pointing towards that. Don’t forget that. You got this. Also you’re not going to depressed. I’m not going to let yourself go there. Because I’m going to make sure that you chug that self-love juice. Like the fact that I need to get out and fully support myself and get a job that requires actual skills which I'm pretty sure I don't have scares the shit out of me. And it’s ok. We don’t pop out of the womb knowing how to do, well anything. Yes, you’re dealing with a learning curve, but you’re still here to learn and you’re doing what you need to be doing. It will get better. We established this previously. It seems hard now, but it will seem obvious in the future. In fact, future you is probably looking back now at this moment in her memories wondering why you were tripping. I honestly dont think I'm going to amount to anything and I don't believe that I have anything that I can offer to anyone tbh both on a career but also on a social level. We established this previously. You are worth it and everything is going to be ok. You have a lot to offer. You may not be in the right place where you feel that and are conscious of it, but it’s still there whether you acknowledge it or not. And it will always be there. Similar to your GPA, you can improve your career. You can make moves. You can do something about this. It’s not like you have a baby now or you have a criminal record, neither of which you can just yeet out of your life. Sure things haven’t been the best in the last couple years, but you can turn things around. It may be hard, it may require a lot of effort, but things like this are reversible. It’s going to be ok. You may feel dumb af now, but remember, you’re here on scholarship. You have work ethic. You don’t even procrastinate anymore. This is how you feel now, but there is evidence against it. The facts conflict with your feelings so get it together and get back into reality. We don’t have the time to be self-loathing. CHUG THE SELF-LOVE JUICE Socially speaking, you can finesse colleges and your professors on sheer personality alone. The only thing here is that this college isn’t the best fit for you socially. And that’s ok. It isn’t to bash either one of yall. They have their lane and you have yours. It is what it is. Don’t twist this into something that makes you feel like trash. But girl, you and I know that you have a skill and you have character. For god sake you’re self-aware enough to the point you’re talking to yourself and writing things in third person in order solve your problems by being your own best friend and therapist. If that isn’t power, girl I don’t know what is. I don’t want to listen to you telling yourself that there is something inherently wrong with you socially because you didn’t fit in at your small college. I don’t want to hear it because you’re better than this. There are 8 billion people on this earth and even though you’re social distancing, I know you aren’t about to crawl into a rock for the rest of your life and not meet another person again. I'm super uncomfortable with saying all of this because I don’t feel like I can talk to people about this and because I'm currently going through a phase where I don’t think that I deserve to take up space. You deserve to take up space. You don’t have to be smart, beautiful, or funny or anything else in the matter. It’s ok to be vulnerable because your worth isn’t based on your positive and negative qualities. When we wrap out egos up like it, we set ourselves up to taking things personally and not looking at things in an objective way. We take things personally because something out there is either picking at an old wound or insecurity or it’s contradicting what you previously thought about yourself. You don’t have to prove yourself in anyway. You’re worthy just for existing.

I think the 9 stages focuses on the cognitive and emotional line of development while SD focuses more on moral, values, livelihoods etc. There are definitely correlations between 9 stages and SD because your morals, values, and livelihoods are affected by cognition and emotions. However, it is possible to be emotionally/ cognitively in one place but have your ideals and values to be in another depending on your circumstance. For instance the liberal kids in a high school may be nonconformist in a conformist way (the conformist stage in the 9 stages) while having values of equality (SD stage green) even though the conformist stage in the 9 stages correlates more with SD stage blue. That's what I got from it anyway.

I would say that blue would be most like the conformist. However, while there are correlations between the stages of ego development and spiral dynamics, I'd be careful with mixing them together because you can be in a higher stage in the spiral but have some hang ups in the lower stages of ego development. For example, you could be a green person in terms of values but you're emotionally stunted because you went through an abusive childhood which has caused you to want to seek safety in numbers by fitting in (conformist).

Dream Journal 9/10 I had a dream where I was a heart surgeon. It felt strangely natural even though in real life I'm horrible at science and I'm even worse with dealing with blood and people's physical insides. I just did what I needed to do all by myself and then the dream ended. Another dream I had was playing dodge ball in middle school. And for once I wasn't losing hahaha.

Overview I'm currently taking a course in college called Understanding the Self: East and West. This course discusses the nature of consciousness as it is understood through religion and psychology in a cross cultural perspective. My professor has spent 25 years studying consciousness and meditating regularly so I'm interested to see what his perspectives are and how he is going to present this material in an academic setting. I'm super excited about this class this semester and I'm dedicating an entire journal online for it since I find the subject matter pretty applicable to this forum. So far this is what I'm working with and what I'll discuss in this journal: I have a couple essays where I have to write about my perception of myself. The first is in the beginning of the semester and the last is at the end. I have some reading for this class so I'm probably going to write my reflections here about them I'm also going to be noting down any key insights or reactions I have during lecture My professor also recommended we start a habit of meditating and even decided to give us class time towards the middle of the semester to do so And I'm also supposed to be keeping a dream journal for talking about the subconscious mind in class discussions Lets see how this semester goes

Dream Journal Reflection Before creating my dream journal, I had some doubts. I thought I don't get dreams most of the time I go to sleep. But as soon as I set the intention, I did start seeing things, even though many of the events in my dreams are so incoherent that I can't really put it into words. Maybe its because I began noting it down as soon as I woke up? I know there is the notion that everyone dreams but most people forget within seconds of waking up. Maybe its the law of attraction at play because I actually tried to note down my dreams instead of forgetting about it like I normally do. This all reminds me of how my professor told our class "the subconscious mind is willing to tell you things if you bother to let it know that you're open to listening" when we were talking about the dream journals. I also noticed patterns in my dreams. A lot of the content has to do with things that I encountered in my daily life all mushed together in a setting that doesn't always make sense. And the things that my dreams choose are often (but not always) the least relevant part of my day. Yesterday I did watch a couple of pet videos on YouTube. I didn't watch it for long, maybe for max 5 minutes. I also mentioned my grandmother in a passing conversation and thought about her for a minute. I reminded my mom how we need to get a couple things from Walmart sometime in the last week. I read an article a couple weeks ago of how there are kids who don't have access to internet so because of online schools, they are parked outside of places like Starbucks. As far as getting to class, I think that was to serve as a cue to wake up and go to class. I took this nap right before one of my classes. The same things can be applied to my other dreams as well though it's difficult to draw the same conclusions since both the dreams and the innocuous details of my day to day life aren't as fresh in my memory. If there is anything I learned is that the subconscious mind is taking everything in even if you don't recall what is happening. The memory filters through that information and has you remember what is most crucial for your survival and your ego. Those are the ones that remain conscious. As far as repetition goes, if we encounter things time and time again, such as reading a chapter in a textbook multiple times, the mind interprets this as important. The rest of the information, the stuff that the mind takes in but we don't consciously recall goes to the subconscious which then sometimes resurfaces in dreams. Because we don't know what the subconscious mind will and won't take in, it's important to maintain healthy surroundings that send constructive messages of peace and love to have pleasant dreams rather than something dysfunctional because those things can in turn scare the shit out of us in our sleep.

How everything is form of love whether it is coming from an expansive place like the self/ consciousness or from a crude place like the ego/ survival.

I just watched contrapoint's new video and I like how she talks about justice at red and why it emerges and how that turns into a blue form of justice. She also takes into consideration of green forms of justice such as rehabilitation and why a lot of people can be opposed to that because of society's development. I found it really insightful and I thought I'd share it. Not sure whether it should go here or on the higher consciousness resources section. Cant wait for part 2.

Dream Journal 9/8 I was playing with three 3-week-old puppies. They were fluffy, adorable, and with only the intention to play. One kept jumping on me, on cuddled next to me, and one was running circles around me. My grandmother was there and for some reason was terrified of them even though they were completely harmless. I woke up from this pleasant dream wanting to go back to sleep so I could go back to that place. I took a nap later today. During this time I had a dream where I was at the Walmart parking lot. I have a class that I need to go to and for some reason I need to go to the Starbucks for wifi. The parking lot was packed. I began backing up my car and I see a car directly behind me appear out of nowhere. I would have hit it but for some reason that never happened. It physically didn't make sense. Then I went to the Starbucks. There was a lot of traffic and it took forever to get there. Normally it takes 10 minutes to get from the Walmart to the Starbucks but this trip took 40 minutes. I still made it in time so that was good. And then I woke up.

In my opinion, anyone leeching off of their partner or anyone who has their partner leeching off of them (regardless of gender) is not a good look. It can breed codependency issues and can result in a power dynamic. Both parties are insecure af in my opinion. The lens at which it's judged and how people jumps to conclusions can differ with societal context, popular tropes in the media, and roles in society. Guy leeching off of his girlfriend: He clearly isn't independent and that can reflect on his lack of masculinity. She is being a pick me by tolerating this behavior instead finding a guy who can be independent. This connotation of lacking masculinity comes from the context of how the man is supposed to be seen as the sole bread winner in the house since the woman isn't supposed to be the one bringing in all of the money. So that results in notions of gender roles. Girl leeching off of her boyfriend: She isn't independent and can be painted as a gold digger. He is a doormat or a control freak that likes having financial control over a woman (or both). This connotation of power/financial control comes from the context of how historically women weren't allowed to work or heavily discriminated against when it came to high paying jobs so instead the goal became to marry a rich guy. So that results in a power dynamic. These common tropes do have a pattern which is women being on the losing end (though neither party is winning but that's another thing). In the first occasion, she is being leeched off of and in the second she is being controlled. At the same time the man is still in a more dominant position where in the first instance he taking from the woman while in the second he is controlling her. (I'm mainly talking about how these dynamics are painted not what they actually are. I hope this makes sense.) Both of the tropes above and how they are presented can be problematic as all stereotypes can be because it isn't representative of all situations. There are some women who are control freaks and there are also men who are gold diggers. Personally, having an imbalance like that, regardless how you judge either party, to me seems like a recipe for disaster. It seems soooooo unhealthy for everyone involved.

Cook-Greuter 9 levels of ego development theory.pdf

9 Stages of Ego Development: Reflections I watched and re-watched Leo's video on the 9 stages of ego development a couple times now. I also read most of the paper that the video was based off of. I saw various things resonating with me across all 9 stages. Because of that I was a little confused as to where I fell in the stages as far as my personal ego goes. It was especially confusing because I saw myself moving to and from different stages as I grew up from when I was a child. I began mixing up where I was now and where I was then. So I looked through the paper, and highlighted everything that I resonate with at this moment in time to differentiate between where I am now and where I was when I was growing up so that I can have a clearer idea. After this I realized that I'm mainly the Pluralist and the Strategist with a little bit of the achiever mixed in there. But I did notice that I have various hang ups from the previous stages. Here are some quotes from the paper that I copied and pasted as well as how it applies to me: Opportunist/ Self-protective (2/3) "They focus on protecting themselves and not becoming a target of others’ aggression. It is ironic that individuals at this level are rarely seen. They are invisible because hiding is a common and sometimes temporarily successful way of dealing with their vulnerability to being bullied, abused and exploited (p.25)." I found this to be a better description for me personally because I didn't relate to the aggression typically associated with the opportunist. Leo talks about that side of 2/3 but doesn't touch on the self-protective side of it. I find myself relating to the self-protective side of 2/3 because of my anxiety issues and the issues I had with bullying and abuse growing up. Often times during my shadow work, I do access this lower state of consciousness and I wish that I could just disappear from society because of my vulnerability. Some times I wish to be invisible because I don't feel like I deserve to take up space. Conformist (3) "They become preoccupied with finding out the social conventions and rules based on the beginning need to fit in and to be liked. One wants to look “right,” and acceptable, therefore the emphasis is on external attractiveness and appearance (28)." I did go through a phase where I tried to be really keen on social etiquette mainly because I saw myself as this awkward dork who no one liked. I will say that a part of me is still in this phase since I tend to be judgmental over socially awkward people. I still feel that my social skills aren't up to par even thought that is rarely a sentiment that people who see me on the outside have. "Persons want to be “re-spected” which means, “seen” by others (28)." Even though I want to disappear, ultimately I want to be recognized. The notion that I want to disappear comes from being repeatedly ignored and disrespected by people causing me to cope in this way. It irks me when people straight up ignore me or when I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Ignoring me is probably the worst thing someone can do. It can send me into a self-loathing spiral. "To be liked one has to have an attractive social personality. It is important to be nice, pleasant, and accommodating. People are judged by the way they dress and talk and by the proper manners (32)." Goes back to what I said about the first bullet point in this section. Not integrating this stage can yield to feeling like a loner, feeling left out (this came from the leo's video series in part 1) Normally I feel comfortable alone but when I'm dong shadow work and when I'm cleaning up the cob webs of my mind, feelings of loneliness does come up. I really wish I could find my own people. Some times I do think that there is something wrong with me because I can't find my tribe. Expert (3/4) "Experts are concerned with fulfilling their adult responsibilities and duties and with doing things right. They are very adept at finding new and different solutions, better ideas, more perfect procedures, and greater efficiencies and doing things well. If managed skillfully, their positive contributions can be considerable." For me I think this has to do with the fact that I'm in college and in my 20s. I'm currently trying to figure out how to adult and get a career so that I can become financially free after school and so that I don't have to be dependent on my parents. Unlike the issues I have in the previous stages, I think this piece has more to do with the circumstances of my life rather than some type of trauma. Not knowing is seen as weak (video pt.1) Lately I have been experiencing some symptoms of impostor syndrome. I have been dealing with this in college but it has been more noticeable in the last couple weeks. I'm in a competitive environment at this moment and I feel like if I make one misstep, my teacher and my classmates are going to rip me to shreds. I'm currently working on and integrating these holes that I have in the earlier stages of ego development so that I can get to the point where I can transcend them. You have to have a healthy ego before you transcend the ego after all. I do however find it interesting that a lot of my shadow work and a lot of the things I'm working on in therapy already has to do with these things.

Adult Brain, Childhood Feelings I went to therapy last Thursday and I was discussing somethings I have been working on in regards to childhood. There was a memory that was brought up and I had a few tears rolling down my cheeks. After the session, I had a number of similar moments. I would remember something that happened to me in childhood and then shed a few tears. A lot of these events related to how I was bullied as a kid. I look back with my adult brain and coping mechanism and say *that is such a tiny problem, why is it bothering me?* My inner child on the other hand is reminded of the pain. It's difficult to explain so let me give an example. When I was 8 years old, the kids in my class didn't like me. Someone in my class made up this rumor that I was adopted. I look back now and I think *that literally makes no sense I look too much like my mom to be adopted.* But looking back I remember how much that hurt. I remember feeling so much pain when the kids in my school would taunt me and say things like "see you're so unwanted that your parents didn't even want you." I still carry this feeling of never being good enough and being inherently unlovable. I catch myself crying for a couple minutes not because it hurts right now (like if something like that happened to me at this age, I could easily brush it off) but because I can still emotionally connect back to my 8 year old self. I have numerous memories like this. Things that seem innocuous, silly, and not a big deal now but were extremely painful at the time when I experienced this as a child. Most of the time, I don't know what to tell my inner child. I want to say, "don't worry they were insecure" or "just ignore them." But I distinctly remember the adults around me telling me the exact same thing along with "oh they're just jealous." And I remember not feeling better. 8 year old me didn't know how insecurities could be projected out to hurt people. 8 year old me didn't know how jealousy could cause someone to be bitter towards another person. I also remember this one time where I tried to confront a bully about being jealous because that's what my mom kept telling me and that didn't work. Looking back I'm just like *ok even if that kid was acting out of insecurity, that kid doesn't know it because 8 year olds aren't nearly that self aware* I remember trying to ignore people who were hurting me. That didn't do anything except make me feel lonely and helpless. And then the adults told me to just "tell the teacher" and that just did nothing but make me look weak and made my peers hate me even more. I guess I would teach my inner child how to fight back and stand up for herself. But the problem is that as an adult, i still don't know how to do that. Whenever something comes up, I just ignore it and move on. I don't fight, I run away from people that are trying to hurt me. I'm still not good at asserting myself. I want to heal this child and make her feel better but i haven't learned any of the skills as an adult. I just want her to know that she is loved, she is wanted, and her words, thoughts, and feelings matter. And I want her to act and move through the world that way as well.

Dream Journal 9/6 I am entering this late because I wrote it down on my phone and forgot to immediately transfer it over to my computer. Also, I haven't been recording dreams in the last few days because my dreams lately have been so incoherent and so forgettable that I just didn't know what to write. I go to a large city all by myself. For some reason there is no traffic and all of the roads go up and down a bunch of hills. There is this Disney world that also has elements of Avatar the Last Airbender there (even thought that show is with Nickolodean). I then ran into a bunch of people i know. We hand around there and go to a few fun houses. Then we went to a museum not too far a way. Then night falls and we both decide to travel together to the country side. We began driving and eventually we take out our bikes. We then rode those bikes on the dirt road. Despite only about an hour passing since we started riding our bikes, the sun began to rise. The sky was painted with orange and shades of purple. And for some reason I saw four moons in the sky together. The two on the outside were full moons while the two on the inside were crescent moons. I stopped to admire how beautiful the sight was. There are also a bunch of strangers that were on the road riding along with me was well. One guy said that he is about to get married and has a 3 year old daughter. There was also a teenage girl with her boyfriend. We all discussed our lives and our stories together and gave each other advice.

Bump

Lately I have been doing some shadow work because I realized that I have some issues with confidence. I find it difficult to really put myself out there because deep down I feel like I don't deserve to take up space. I feel like I'm always doing the most just by existing, like there is something inherently wrong with me. A lot of this has to do with trauma from my childhood (think from like 5-10). I've been trying to unpack that and dismantle those core beliefs but even though I consciously know that the messages that were ingrained into me were bullshit, I have problems with really embodying it. Some days I feel like wanting to hide in a cave and never have anyone see me again. This has caused me to isolate from people, keep quiet about my thoughts and opinions, and made it difficult to sell myself in certain settings where it is necessary. I might also have mild social anxiety from this as well. But the more isolating factor is that people see the opposite. They see me as someone who seems like they have it together in many aspects of their life and some people have even told me that I intimidate them because of the way I carry myself. I think I carry myself well because I have done a lot of self improvement work and have benefited a lot from it. I got into self improvement for a variety of good reasons, the central one being to improve my well being and quality of life so that I can live to the fullest. But there is a shadow side to this as well. I got into self development because I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. I can't get at what exactly is wrong with me, what exactly I can fix anymore. I'm trying to integrate the notion that self development won't make you a better person or more worthy because you were worthy during all parts of the journey. I think my problem is that I can be too hard on myself but I don't know man. I don't know what's wrong with me or if whats wrong with me is me thinking that there must be something wrong with me. How do I embody what I consciously know subconsciously? I feel like there are parts of myself that are fighting and contradicting and this thing just feels like a mess. Like the conscious part of me is like "Of course you are worthy, you were worthy this entire time. Literally no one thinks that you are lesser than them. It's all you." But my unconscious programming is like "Hide yourself away and keep improving yourself until you can come out as a perfect person because no one will love you if you have flaws."

Notes: 9/1 William James splits the "I" and the "me" "Me": Empirical self Level 1: material self- body, race, job, what you own, external appearances etc Your selfhood extends out to the physical world, it's not just the body. Think of the way you keep your environment, how you materially choose to present yourself etc. Level 2: social self- how we interact with others (perceptions of self and other bounce off each other between people), roles, labels, self image We are not the same depending on our circumstance. Think of the different parts of yourself and how they conflict considering your surroundings. Level 3: spiritual self- not physical/mental, thoughts, feelings, memories, will (power of choice) -> choose where we put our attention and choose meanings and interpretations we assign to things Knowledge by experience: immediate, direct, undoubtable (empiric) Knowledge by acquaintance: theory from others, linguistic, comes from culture most of this is preconscious: as a child you are programmed with stuff before you are emotionally and cognitively ready to take things in and evaluate them critically. These two terms reminds me of how Leo discusses science as something that is just as beliefs based as religion because you are learning about theories rather than going out and seeing things for yourself.

Cravings: My Journey with Food I have been trying to eat healthier in general for the last couple of years now. A couple years ago, I had a really chaotic life. I always used food as a way to cope with my feelings but during this time I went pretty overboard. When I got to college I didn't feel like myself. I certainly didn't feel good in my body both in terms of looks but also in terms of health. Since then I have been trying to fix up my diet. I wasn't trying to do some type of crash lifestyle change and go from there. I was trying to do things gradually. Phase 1 (September to December 2018): Firstly, I stopped using food as a coping mechanism. Instead of eating more, I tried to journal and talk to people in regards to what was going on in my life. That helped me immensely when it came to food. I also started unpacking my issues around eating whether it is bingeing and purging, bad body image issues, etc. I didn't alter my diet all that much but I addressed a lot of inner blockages in therapy during this time. I was also dealing with other stuff in regards to self development such as trauma and adjusting to college so this wasn't my biggest priority at this time. Phase 2 (January to September 2019): Next, after I got my portion sizes under control, I began evaluating what I was eating. I realized that I was eating like trash. I also tried doing intermittent fasting during this time as well. Doing the one meal a day diet helped me evaluate my choices because I was only eating once a day meaning I got to see all of the food I was eating for that day at once. It was an eye opener for me because my choices were laid out in front of me. So during this time I tried to incorporate more healthy options and also control my hunger so that I'm not craving food 24/7. I also got rid of like 70% of my cravings this way. I tried not to go down the route of restricting but I simply redirected myself to other choices. Eventually, after not eating things like fries, pizza, and chips for a while, I stopped craving them and I stopped having a taste for them. Around this time I also found out that I'm lactose intolerant. I didn't know this at all until i found the statistics for lactose intolerance and the populations it effects. I then became more mindful of dairy products and how they make me feel. I noticed that I can have things like yogurt and cheese in small amounts but if I try to have a whole glass of milk or more than 1 scoop of ice cream, I just get a mild stomach ache. I would get these aches before but I thought it was normal so I never questioned it. This is also the same with really greasy and oily foods. I don't get a stomach ache but I do notice myself feeling sluggish and blah (for a lack of a better word). I just stopped and it wasn't difficult for me to do so because I was genuinely trying to do things that made me feel better. Phase 3 (September 2019 to February 2020) : Then I ran into some problems. Intermittent fasting made me restrict my calories too much. It wasn't intentional but it was a side effect. I felt full and satisfied throughout the day and I didn't know that this was becoming a problem until my period stopped arriving. I looked it up and I found out that this can happen to some people who do intermittent fasting. I also found myself slowly drifting towards an unhealthy mindset with eating. I liked that "morning skinny" feeling I had after waking up and not eating for most of the day. I felt this need to restrict more and more. I have been down this path before and I know the consequences so I reevaluated my course of action and started eating 2 meals a day, just lunch and dinner. I have made the observation on this journey that I don't really react well to breakfast so I don't force myself to eat anymore though occasionally when I feel like it, i don't stop myself. I also tried to go back being mindful of how different foods make my body feel in different ways. I noticed that I also don't react well with a lot of grains in my diet so like most breads and rice. They fill me up and make me bloated to where I don't want to eat at all for the rest of the day. So I have been cutting down on that. I didn't completely eliminate bread from my diet but I keep enough there so that I don't go in the opposite directions and start eating 24/7. Phase 4 (March to August 2020): And then the lock downs happened. I had to move back home and my food habits changed yet again. I started restricting my food more and started being more self conscious when it came to my body image because of my family's influence. I slipped into some of my old unhealthy mindsets. Thankfully, during this time I learned about intuitive eating. One of the main takeaways I got is that the more you restrict something, the more you crave it because when you restrict, there is this understanding of scarcity when it come to food and as a result you eat everything in sight because your cave man brain thinks it will never eat again. Say you're trying to get rid of a chocolate craving. If you keep restricting and tell yourself I CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE you're going to crave it more since you're still thinking about it (there are also elements of law of attraction here at play). Then when you are presented with chocolate you binge it because you subconsciously think you aren't ever going to see it again because of the scarcity mindset. The solution to get rid of cravings is counter intuitive. Instead of restricting, you allow it. By allowing something over time the food in question loses its novelty, its specialness, and its element of being a "guilty pleasure." I decided to try this out. The two cravings I have been trying to get rid of this entire time was cheese and chocolate. So I stopped restricting those foods from myself. I let myself eat as much cheese and chocolate for the last few months. At first I was eating a lot of it but then eventually I got tired of these foods. I also did this with any other cravings I had that I would previously suppressed. The same thing happened. I stopped craving things. But more importantly, I stopped beating myself up for my food choices and the way my body looks. Apparently this can also work with people who have "food addictions" even if you are extremely over weight. Basically, after you completely exhaust your cravings, you stop craving them and consequently your body returns back to its normal state. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now I'm at a place where I have achieved a lot of my food related goals. Healthy eating isn't much of a problem for me. I eat decent portion sizes. I have an understanding of what feels good for me personally (fried foods and dairy occasionally, certain types of grains such as tortillas over rice, and meat like once a day). I don't crave anything on a regular basis. Not fast food, not anything sweet or greasy, AND ALSO NOT CHEESE OR CHOCOLATE. I'm also really excited for the last part because I swear I have been dealing with a cheese and chocolate addiction forever. I also look and feel like I did before my life went to shit 2 years ago. I feel like myself again and I'm so grateful for that. I feel like because I didn't put this on a time frame (like YOU NEED TO START EATING HEALTHY 24/7 FOR THE NEXT 28 DAYS TO ESTABLISH A HABIT) this became something that comes naturally and something that I genuinely want to do rather than a fad. It became more of a lifestyle rather than a habit. I also learned about a lot on how we can get into habits and routines by slowly seeing how this plays out but that's a whole nother post. But yeah.. that is my food journey for the last 2 years. It took me longer than what I expected and there was a lot of trial and error but I'm here now and I'm so proud of myself.

How do you know if you're interested in something because you're good at it or if you're interested something because you genuinely like it?

I finally got around to watching Noah's videos. Thank you so much for recommending him to me. It fits what I'm working on perfectly. Honestly, this felt like a game changer. Thank you!!!!

Something I'm Trying to Integrate I feel so blessed to have found this source. It applies PERFECTLY with the shadow work, confidence development, and social anxiety issues I'm working through. I found him after I posted a question with what I'm currently working on and someone recommended me to him. I think the concepts presented in his channel is a good way of developing self worth without building up the ego.

Human Interaction I forgot to post this yesterday but I had a 3 hour long international relations course that was mainly discussion based. I will say that I was a little nervous since I have never taken a course like this and that I felt a little awkward because I was talking to actual people (with the exception of my parents) for the first time in like months. But I was also really excited. We had to read 5 articles on globalization and discuss in class. The topic was really interesting to me so it wasn't too hard for me to prepare and eventually participate. I'm just really happy I got to talk to people about things that I'm really interested in outside of the internet. I can't wait to do this again next week.