soos_mite_ah

Don't underestimate the power and influence of parasocial relationships. You can take in the energy of the media you consume whether it be through forums, movies, books, influencers etc. Those can greatly impact your thinking and view of the world even when you are isolated or say in a difficult situation with toxic people you don't want to be around.

Bottom Line for anyone who comes on this thread: ****Don't love bomb people****. There are plenty of ways to be attractive and court someone without taking things from 0-100. Love bombing can scare people away or lure in vulnerable naive people. Also don't prey on the vulnerable and naive. That's not having game, that's called taking advantage of someone psychologically. And if you encounter a love bomber, RUN!!!! It is a HUGE RED FLAG especially with narcissists. Unless you want to dress up like a red flag for a potential date, partner, or someone you want to have sex with don't love bomb them. Also this goes with out saying, don't stick your dick into crazy and don't let crazy stick their dick in you. It's an act of self love and safety to avoid people like this.

First of all, I understand that mistakes happen. You could be a healthy person and fall into an unhealthy circumstance. But trauma, especially childhood trauma, can make you more prone to unhealthy situations because that's what was modeled to you, that's what you're familiar with, and that's what you accept as normal. Of course trauma isn't the only thing at play. There is also general naivete and not knowing better. I just said trauma because it's super common. Even with cheerful people who are functioning, you don't always know what's going on with their lives. Some people have a good facade. But if it's a recurring, you need to wonder what lesson you're not learning or what keeps falling under the radar. Lessons repeat themselves until they are learned. Sure the recurring positive aspects are fine if you want them to recur, but if there is something you don't want to repeat, you might want to look inwards and address that. It could be as simple as being more cognizant of red flags or be as deep as doing work in therapy. I know it's difficult to hear but in addition to the pattern, you are also one of the common denominators. That doesn't make it your fault or make you to blame but it does mean that you have some type of responsibility and control to take preventative measures. No doubt love bombing can seem very exciting. I can see why someone can fall for it. People love feeling desired and love the excitement of something new. But that doesn't mean love bombing in particular good or healthy. You can have something unravel slowly and naturally and still have it be passionate. But going from 0-100 real quick is horrible advice for both parties. It isn't ok to say I love you to someone you met 2 months ago. You can't love someone you barely even know. I have a friend who met a love bomber once. He wanted to talk to her for hours on the phone and take her out of the country for a trip within a month of knowing her. Lets just say that my friend's internal alarm bells started ringing and she got out of that situation real quick despite the fact she had no dating experience prior to this. Love bombing isn't on the same level as being really attractive. It isn't normal. It's a manipulation tactic that a lot of narcissists, possessive people, and insecure people use to lure someone in. Anna's relationship with Hans in Frozen is a good example of a manipulative and toxic relationship that started with love bombing. Anna was a cheerful girl but mistakes happen and she was naive because of her lack of exposure towards the outside world. Does that make Anna messed up in any way? No. But she still needed to learn that her relationship with Hans wasn't a good one. Hans appeared super charming and intelligent initially like most narcissists. In the movie I believe he tried to kill her and her sister to get the throne or something fucked up. This contrasts with her relationship with Kristoff which unveiled in a more natural pace where they got to know each other and dated for a little bit. And that development didn't make their relationship any less exciting or any more boring. Sometimes there is anticipation in waiting which breeds excitement and mystery. Sometimes things like this needs therapy and sometimes they just need a more watchful eye/ experience. I can't speak for all situations and people. Sometimes it's a self image thing, sometimes it's because they didn't know better. And I'm glad that you are upgrading your knowledge on narcissistic traits and asshole tactics. That shows that you are taking responsibility for that situation and I applaud you. It takes courage and awareness to seek out things like that instead of letting it perpetuate endlessly. Personally I wasn't born with this information either about love bombing. While I lack the personal dating experience, I did watch the situations my friends got into, read up on these types of things, and talked to people. That has to do with being naïve. But hey self image and trauma can play a role even though it isn't necessarily the case with every situation. I apologize if it came across as if I was saying it's a trauma only thing. Everyone and each situation is different so there is only so much I can say.

Yeah I see how each of them intersect with one another in terms of individual self development though I can't say that I know a lot of Jung's personalities. It's just that each model has a different way of slicing and dicing the continuum of consciousness. And according to that, there are pros and cons in regards to which model is the best at explaining a person, place, thing, or situation.

I can definitely see it. I think you're on to something. There are some people who mythologize the founding fathers and assume that they did everything right while there are also people who are willing to critique the founding fathers and point out their less than perfect sides, similar to how people reacted to saints in churches. The country in terms of the institutions structuring is like a stage orange church.

@Preety_India I understand attraction is biological and often automatic, but to say you have no control is inaccurate, especially when it comes to being emotionally attracted to someone. It's very common to have your tastes in a partner change and be healthier after you work on yourself and clear away your traumas. In that way you do have control. Emotionally speaking you can ask yourself "hmm, why do I consistently attract or are attracted by *insert toxic trait or manipulation tactic*" not in a self deprecating way but as a way of accepting responsibility and taking back control of the situation/ patterns. From there you can address issues you had in past relationships, with your family etc. As far as physical attraction goes, that isn't the only factor when it comes to dating and relationships. There are plenty of guys who I can look at and say they are GORGEOUS, yet I have no desire to date or be around some of them because they have dumpster fire behavior tendencies. In those cases, I doubt their quality of their consciousness because again, if you clear out your traumas, there is less of a chance that your attraction is acting from those traumas. I do recognize that accidents happen and that sometimes you can be blindsided by a narcissist. Being attracted to a toxic person doesn't make you a horrible human being. If it is a recurring pattern, it's worth investigating and healing. But often times, there are prior red flags such as love bombing, which if a person was conscious and healthy, their internal alarm bells will start ringing and they won't be attracted to that person. Who said I was looking for perfection? I want a guy who is going to be working on himself. I want to be in a relationship where we both keep each other accountable for our mistakes that will inevitably happen so we can grow together as people. And that's a reasonable standard. Of course not, I agree, blaming yourself or others won't help. You need to be accepting towards the situation, only then can you grow. But accepting the situation also comes with taking responsibility. And that includes taking responsibility for any unhealthy patterns you find yourself attracted to. It isn't your fault and there is not need to beat yourself up for it, but as a form of self care, it's worth investigating/ healing. And there is nothing wrong with being attracted a hot body. But that doesn't always translate to acting on those desires for a myriad of instances. And I do see how physical attraction can cloud judgment. There is a halo effect after all. But if you know the signs and if you have set standards, its going to take more than looks to want to get in someone's pants or end up in a relationship with them. I'll give you an example. A lot of times I'm really bad with telling the ages of guys. When I was 20, I had a 17 year old guy who was still in high school flirt with me. We are close enough in age to where it isn't unusual for either of us to be physically attracted to the other. But does that mean I want to automatically get with him. HELL NO. Upon finding out he was 17, my first thought is "that's a child." Our dynamic would not be healthy because there is a clear power dynamic as I am older and have more life experience. Because I'm not a raging narcissist who is looking to have power over someone, I wasn't attracted to him to where I wanted to sleep with him or be in a relationship with him. I'm looking for an equal, not a pawn who is going to idolize me. He was all over the fact that I looked like I had my life together because I was in college and I had my major and everything sorted out while he was figuring things out. That's fine, we're just in different stages in our lives. But I had to take responsibility and be the adult by firmly putting my foot down and walking away from the situation. Thinking someone is attractive is natural but whether you act on and fall for it it involves so many other factors ranging from neurosis to self control.

Yeah people aren't born fully healthy. Which is why it's important to work on yourself and your quality of life and steer away from the crazies of the world. I don't expect anyone to be 100% healthy and perfect but I do expect someone to strive to be a better version of themselves and move towards some from of expansion. Whether or not you are conscious, you will have to deal with unconscious people. That's just life and that's ok. But that doesn't mean you let all of those people in. You have to pick and choose. And odds are a very conscious woman wouldn't want to manage an unconscious boyfriend. A conscious woman would likely have her own life and have higher standards to where she wouldn't be attracted to an unconscious guy. As they say, birds of the same feather flock together. And yeah there are relationships that you don't have much of a choice in such as family. But you can also distance yourself from those people if you find that they don't resonate with you or if you find them to be destructive. If you are conscious, you would try to get out. When it comes to relationships, people change and that's ok. Relationships don't have to last forever and sometimes people grow in different ways and grow apart and it's best not to force those circumstances because they can be harmful for both parties. Walking away isn't selfishness, it can also be a form of love. And I don't see why you need to change it fundamentally. Of course no one wants to see their actions as selfish because that threatens their ego and survival and most of our actions are selfish. Again, it comes down to quality. It's relative And that's perfectly fine. I guess we just have a different perception on what consists of selfishness and what consists of love. To each their own. Just wanted to put in my 2 cents.

I 100% agree. Ultimately, you are the one who has to accept yourself and do what's best for you. And for people who are looking for relationships that means looking for a high quality partner and not settling. And if you want to get spiritual, you could say everything is a form of love. You're love, I'm love, selfishness is love (albeit a more limited form), divine expansiveness is love, relationships are love, war is love, consciousness is love, ego is love etc. But when it comes to relative forms of love, I guess you're talking about unconditional love like that of a parent. That type of love isn't healthy for a romantic relationship. Like a relationship between two consenting adults shouldn't have a parent child dynamic. That will lead to a lot of codependency. In the relative sense, I don't believe in unconditional love outside of a parent child relationship. If a guy is being an asshole towards me, I'm not going to stick around and "love" him. I'm going to walk away. My love isn't unconditional to where I will allow a guy to treat me like trash. A lot of people also make the argument in toxic relationships that are along the lines of "oh if you really love him, you would stay no matter what" and to me that's messed up. I would make the argument that leaving someone who isn't healthy for you is a greater act of self love and it's also loving to the other person because you are giving them consequences for their bad action to which they can either reflect on what they did wrong and work on themselves or not. Either way, in that situation, you aren't putting yourself in a position where you are hurting yourself by staying and you aren't validating the other person's bad behavior which is also a form of love. The only time I think there should be "unconditional love" is with one's child. Because the child didn't ask to be brought to this world and for their development into a healthy person, they need to internalize that sense of unconditional love from the parent so that they have unconditional, pure love, inside themselves. That would enable them to make good decisions as an adult to where they wouldn't even be attracted to dysfunction. Of course, that's much easier said than done.

I mean there isn't anything wrong with getting your needs met in a relationship. In fact, I think its necessary/ healthy for both parties to an extent. Nothing wrong with having another person as a source of your needs as long as you can also meet those same needs yourself so you don't end up being dependent on the other person. Ain't nothing wrong with having needs or being attracted to someone. Those aren't inherently selfish and they can be met through ethical means. Idk if this makes sense, but if meeting your needs and catering to your tastes is selfish, then hell you could say eating your favorite foods to be characterized as selfish. Speaking of selfishness, there is a gradient of selfishness that a relationship can fall under. There is a baseline healthy level where people have standards and boundaries with their partners (which really isn't selfishness in my books) and then there is the extreme where people become abusive and manipulative. I agree, conscious relationships are difficult to come by but by working on yourself can you attract better partners. In that way, people tend to date on their own level. If you are in a healthy emotional state, you are much less likely to give into other people's foolery because you don't have as many insecurities or weak spots to get toyed with. You aren't going to want a strong super passionate, all over the place, dramatic, or chaotic relationship if you are stable and if you have other positive things going on in your life like a solid life purpose and a good career. You simply won't have the time or patience for that type of behavior. Also IMO, a relationship doesn't necessarily have to be spiritual per se in order to be good/ fulfilling for both parties. And I know that you described dating as inherently unconscious like gambling and drinking. To that comparison I'll say this, you can have a couple glasses of wine on a regular basis without being a raging alcoholic and you can go to a casino for a good time without being a gambler. Can those things go awry if you are in a bad mental state and are using them as a coping mechanism to avoid the bigger issues in your life, sure, absolutely 100%. But you can still date and gamble every now and then and not have it completely consume you. Same thing with dating and relationships. You can do it on a regular basis in a healthy way or you can use it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Either way, how problematic dating is is not dependent on dating itself, it's dependent on the person who is trying to date. Same thing with alcohol. Nothing wrong with the alcohol itself, instead there is something wrong with person not being able to be in control for numerous other contributing factors.

Of course there is nothing wrong with gaming, trying to be attractive, and putting your best foot forward as long as there is honest intentions. If anything I think it's absolutely necessary if not intrinsic. Nothing wrong with being romantic, masculine, feminine, having space to not seem clingy etc. But my thing is the love bombing. Often times love bombing and doing too much too soon can lead a person into a toxic relationship where the love bomber becomes possessive and abusive towards them. The other thing is targeting malleable girls who don't know any better and wouldn't mind getting into a situation like this without knowing the consequences. Now, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with people with less experience, but it's important to know and be on the look out for red flags. And to me, going after naive people who don't know better and them getting love bomb looks like a recipe for disaster especially in regards to power dynamics in a relationship. Healthy people look for their equal so that there can be reciprocity in the relationship. Manipulators look for people who don't know any better and try to lure them in.

Life Update: General Health After the psych ward incident, I had to go to the gynecologist because I haven't had my period in months and I knew I wasn't pregnant. I went there and I had a sonogram done and turns out I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. It's an issue that effects people with ovaries and it is characterized by cysts that form there. Because of this, a person's horomones are likely to be out of wack. This can cause a plethora of symptoms. For me those were acne, growing hair under my jawline, missed periods, horrible sleep patterns, depression, and anxiety. In addition to all of this, I once experienced adrenal fatigue, or burnout, last year as well. After receiving this diagnosis, things just made sense in my life. I previously attributed these issues with other things in my life. I attributed the acne to stress, growing up, and bad skincare habits. I attributed the hair to me being a stereotypically hairy brown woman. I attributed the missed periods to just how things were in my body. I attributed the sleep pattern to a lack of discipline. And finally, I attributed the depression and anxiety to trauma. While those things may be contributing factors, I found a sense of relief to know they are connected to this one issue. It gives me a sense of control in a way. To deal with this, I was given two options. The first was to change up my diet and eat more healthy and the second was to get on birth control. My doctor didn't get to specific on what eating healthier even meant so I went to the internet and found a plethora of different diets for PCOS. It made my head spin. They all ranged in differing amounts of severity and restriction. I was hesitant to try anything extreme because I know that I have a history of eating disorders from growing up around my mom and restrictive dieting could trigger that. I eventually settled into going gluten and dairy free and so far that has going well for me. Some of my acne has cleared up and I physically feel better so that's something. It seems more sustainable than any of the other diets that were out there so I'm willing to try it for a longer period of time. As far as the birth control goes, getting the prescription for it has been a nightmare. I have to do to so many different doctors because apparently my platelet count in my blood is off meaning I might be anemic and because my liver is also a little off. So that has been a whole thing lately. Also I have read things online that birth control can make PCOS worse so I'm hesitant to use it unless its a last resort. I'm going to try diet and life style changes first to see what happens. And then after the psych ward, I went to a therapist and I started going on Zoloft. I believe that is helping me emotionally but I'm a little concerned about the side effects of the antidepressant. I have had to deal with blurry vision, nausea, and currently a loss of appetite and constipation. I've been told from my pharmacist that it is likely just my body adjusting to the meds and that I will be fine. If not I can always call them and get the dosage adjusted or get on something different. But the side effects aren't so bad that they are affecting my functioning so that's good. My main concern is the emotional blunting that comes with the Zoloft. In a way it's nice. The medication stopped a lot of my negative thinking patterns and calmed me down. It's like I get a break from my own mind and processing negative emotions. But on the other hand, it has cut me off from feeling the depth of those negative emotions. I noticed that I'm unable to cry. I noticed that I can't experiences sadness in the same depth as I used to. I'm afraid that this will come between me and my mindfulness/ awareness of my emotions. It's always to feel what's going on emotionally. Repression isn't the answer after all. But I'm afraid that this is what might happen with this medication. I guess only time will tell. It's only been a week and a half since I started so lets see how this goes. On top of all of this I signed a medical withdrawal with my university. I won't be returning to school until Fall 2021 so I have time to get my life in order. That has been difficult to come to terms with because I will essentially be set back from my studies for an entire year. It feels super embarrassing and there is a lot of shame that is wrapped up in it that includes things such as feeling left behind, late, immature, weak, dumb etc. I put waaay too much of my self esteem in actualizing at a young age. I'm still working through all of this that but the Zoloft has been incredibly helpful in this regards. I'm still keeping in mind that my health comes first before anything and that I'm not simply wasting time for my future. Everything will be okay in time.

That sounds manipulative af yikes .....

Gentleness and Discipline @Preety_India Hey I decided to tag you into this post. I remember you said something on how the need for gentleness in one of my entries really spoke to you and I remember you also started writing about discipline and gentleness for yourself as well. I thought since I'm journaling about the same topic again, I'd give you a heads up I know for this year I made a resolution to be more disciplined. That didn't work but I found out what does and doesn't work for me. I found out that the main reason that I don't have discipline is because I didn't have much gentleness growing up. I talk about this in many instances in this journal. Especially with recent events in my life, my need for gentleness has been magnified. Upon realizing this I didn't know where to start, because again, I wasn't exposed to it before. I started questioning what gentleness is. One of the main ways my need for gentleness comes through is through my romantic fantasies. I want a guy who is going to be soft and gentle towards me. (Towards the end of this clip from The Godfather, the way that Michael kisses his wife Apollonia just speaks to me. In the rest of the trilogy, this man is a monster inside of a dumpster fire of chaos and honestly triggers/ irritates me so ignore the context for now. It's just this one scene where he is so gentle that melts me. Not to mention, young Al Pacino in the 70s is so attractive to me at least omfg) I included the quote from my previous post and this clip because fantasies, myths, and parables often articulate what we want and need both on an individual level such as in my case but also in the cases of religions on the collective level. I decided to analyze my need for gentleness in a similar lens that I would say analyze a myth in my English class or a story in my Religious studies classes. I started analyzing this fantasy I have more so focusing on on what makes them so gentle in order to understand the gentleness I need for myself. This is what I came up with: Gentleness is patience Gentleness is slow Gentleness is attentive Gentleness is forgiving Gentleness is mercy Gentleness is calm Gentleness is soft Gentleness is loving Gentleness is empathetic Gentleness is acceptance Gentleness is not rushed Gentleness is not chaotic Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectations and doing 20 things at once Gentleness is not harsh Upon making this list, I also could see the overlap between gentleness and discipline Here is what I noticed: Gentleness is slow. Gentleness is not rushed, Gentleness is not chaotic. Discipline is also slow and not rushed. To be disciplined is to be in it for the long haul. It isn't doing all of your assignments in the last minute and having spikes where you work really hard and moments when you don't work at all. It is consistent, not chaotic. Gentleness is patience. Discipline also involves patience. Because you aren't doing everything all at once, you aren't going to get instant results. It's going to be gradual and slow but it will pay off more in the long run. Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectation. Gentleness is empathetic. Gentleness is forgiving. Discipline involves all of these things as well in order to be effective. You need to have reasonable expectations to maintain motivation and not give up due to a sense of futility. You need empathy to gage where you're at with any disciplined practice. And finally you need forgiveness because if you are starting out disciplining yourself in any aspect of life, you aren't going to be good at it initially. It will take time and that is ok.

This is actually my first time being on an antidepressant. In fact, I've never been on any type of psychiatric drugs before. I'm wary about drugs that change your consciousness/ perception including when it comes to alcohol or weed. Gonna be honest I'm still nervous about the Zoloft. I hope that I won't have to take them for too long but from what I know about the reason why I'm on them, this is likely a temporary thing. But yeah I've heard that getting off of Zoloft may be tricky and that you need to slowly reduce your dose and how it isn't a thing where you can just stop taking them. If you don't mind me asking, what is it like trying to take antidepressants and doing i guess self-actualization type of personal growth. Did it help/ hinder you? I'm curious to know about your experience.

I wish lol.... I'm getting an ego backlash and I have been feeling like this for a while. But I see myself getting back up some way some how.

I have been experiencing emotional blunting as well on Zoloft (50mg). I've been on this medication for a week now so I'm sure it will be a couple more weeks til I start seeing benefits. Since my body is still adjusting to it, I have been getting some side effects which include blurry vision, nausea, and loss of appetite. As far as my mood goes, I do feel my emotions and I know what's going on but I don't feel the full intensity of those emotions. Most of the time I find myself switching between feeling apathetic, neutral, or peaceful which for me and where I was at before emotionally isn't a bad thing. I've also noticed that I have trouble crying with the medication for some reason as well so there is that.

Oh No..... I just realized what my stage green traumas are. I won't be addressing it at this time but its good that I know what my blind spots are. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. But I will be jotting it down for future reference to keep it in the back of my mind. I can see this potentially come up when I decide to commit to my first long term relationship. Sexuality / my sexual orientation Motivations for self help and my desire for a romantic relationship The possibility of wanting kids in the future And as a letter to my future self, when she will be dealing with this sooner or later, I want her to know that even though is useful, doesn't mean it's true and vice versa. Sometimes it's important to have some type of illusion to get through your current circumstance and that is ok. It sets the foundation of safety so you can access the truth at a later, more stable time if you do it correctly.

ooff, this sounds like I posted this. I'm in the exact situation right down to the details. What helps me is keeping in touch with friends and using them as a source of emotional availability instead of expecting anything from my parents since they aren't able to provide for me in this area of my life.

I like vulnerable guys. But there are other factors that need to be considered. One of them is timing. If a guy tries to be way too open an vulnerable in the first couple months, it strikes me as a red flag because it looks like he is doing too much to quickly instead of taking time with our connection to deepen naturally. It can look like love bombing and possessiveness. I'd say maybe wait a couple of months before getting too deep into anything. Another factor is how you go about vulnerability. Some people do it as a way to garner pity and sympathy and that can come off as manipulation which isn't good. But if the vulnerability comes from a place of authenticity and emotional openness, I see that as a good sign. That to me shows emotional intelligence, maturity, a willingness to connect, and wanting open communication. All of these are necessary for a solid healthy relationship. So in that way I like vulnerable guys.

I'm currently craving a fairy tale, a blissful romance that will sweep me off my feet and away from my misery But I know better and I know this is an illusion If I want to get out I need to go through It feels like hell which it is but being grounded in this truth is what will bring me to heaven Hell doesn't exist for you to escape it The more you resist, the more it will persist Hell exists to redefine what heaven truly is A change of perspective, an acceptance of what is To love an "evil" to death to where it isn't defined as "evil" anymore That is a greater romance, greater than what any illusion can give me Because it will lead to my triumph rather than my demise But even in demise will I find peace Even in demise will I find peace

Depends on the specific issue but if we're going to be general I'd say grow a sense of emotional intelligence and go to therapy

^^^I second this 100%. You don't have to be an asshole, you need to have your own life and boundaries. That means saying no and being unavailable, not because you're a cold heartless asshole, but because you have other things in life going on that you need to tend to whether it be a job, hobbies, etc. Those will also give you something to talk about in terms of knowledge and experience which will help you connect to women. I feel that "nice guys" (and hell even "nice girls") are often guys who don't know how to set boundaries because they have been told that the word "no" is bad and that you need to bend over backward for people in order to get them to like you. These people are told that doing the opposite is selfish or being an asshole or a bitch. In turn that shadow can come out in ugly ways which makes you look needy and insecure. Being spineless is not cute for either sex.

I think some of these videos can give an interesting perspective when it comes to viewing altruism in a spiritual light.

@Arcangelo yeah 99.99% of creeps who fetishize youth and naivety for their manipulation. Not all men are like that. I have met plenty of men who wouldn't do something like that because they aren't looking to take advantage of young women with limited life experience and they are healthy enough to look for a equal partner instead of a fan who will most likely idolize them.

DiCaprio is creepy af. He has this thing where he only dates women under 25 and then breaks up with them as soon as they hit that age while he himself is 46. There is a huge age gap which often leads to a power dynamic especially when the younger party is still greatly developing as a person. There can be a lot of manipulation involved and it's an over all a creepy situation. Sure his looks and his money can initially distract someone and create a situation where it's harder to say no giving him a larger margin or error for creepy/predatory behavior, but that doesn't mean his behavior wasn't messed up from the beginning.