soos_mite_ah

@Artsu i agree. It's good to have a lot of love and empathy but there needs to be a balance with healthy sense self preservation. A healthy sense of self preservation is also a great act of love. The advice on which way one needs to lean towards relies on where one is in the spectrum and what one needs to do to return to an equilibrium.

@Jacob Morres I went through and skimmed over his videos on youtube and they seem like a pretty good resource to go off of in this issue in particular. I have yet to watch anything because I'm currently bogged down with work but I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your recommendation

I immediately thought of this video. It's really good in articulating toxic femininity in a way that it doesn't seem like it's trolling. Karine Alourde's entire channel is a pretty good femininity channel because she recognizes the different forms femininity can take according to culture and personality and she doesn't turn femininity into a dogma, a hypergamous mess, or this notion of being a pretty, perfect wife and mother. I would recommend her channel for both men and women when it comes to embracing femininity.

First Day of Classes Part 2 Ok, so I finally got around to all of my classes this week. There are some classes that I'm excited for and one that I'm not too psyched about. Regardless I managed to wake up early all this week so I'm pretty proud of myself for that. Wasn't able to work out because of how sore I was after the first one (I was sore for 3 days straight to where it really hurt to walk) but I think I'll get used to it hahaha. Accounting: I'm not surprised that I don't enjoy this class. I don't enjoy accounting in general. This class in particular seems like it's going to be a handful because I apparently need to get certified in excel. I'm a little concerned about that since I haven't had to do anything in regards to excel since I was in middle school so that's another thing that I have on my plate. And I need to do this in a set time period or else it will count off from my final grade On the bright side, I think this class is going to be good for my growth instead. I tend to skate by when it comes to my classes with passion and joy alone. I learned to do this ever since I realized I had ADHD and have difficulty in focusing on things that don't spark my interest. Instead I focused on things that I genuinely enjoy or find something I do enjoy in something I don't like. A lot of people who have ADHD can tap into this thing called hyper focus where when they are into something, they can put hours of undivided attention to it. I always tried to use my ADHD to my advantage. But the shadow aspect of this is that I'm still not good at dealing with things that don't spark some type of interest in my, in this case accounting. I think this class this can help me develop and grow into stage blue a little more so that I can integrate a sense of duty, discipline, and hard work. International Relations: This is my senior level course for International Relations. I need to take this course in order to graduate and they only offer it in the fall semester. The nature of this course is that we are given 5 articles per week and we discuss them as a class for 3 hours once a week when we meet. There is no lecture, it's just purely discussion. Because of this the class was not online and I had to drive myself to campus. Luckily I live near by and driving back to college once a week doesn't seem too problematic. However, I am concerned about the virus and exposing my family to it. I went to my first class to check things out and everything looks fine. My college is taking good precautions for handling the pandemic. Plus this is the only on campus class I have and it only meets once a week. Because of that I'm not too concerned. If anything, I'm happy that I can get out of the house once a week and interact with other people in person and actually have a conversation. Also because this class forces me to talk, I think I can deal with some of the minor social anxiety issues I have been experiencing due to a lack of human interaction. Investment Analysis Lab: I finally took the lab portion. I was a little intimidated by it since my professor assigned an assignment before our official first day of class and expected us to understand the concept. Luckily, it wasn't too hard. But just to make sure I went to his office hours and checked with him to make sure I actually understand the concept. The rest of lab went by smoothly. The class was 1.5 hours long but I expected it was going to be 3 hours. I'm pleasantly surprised but I wouldn't be alarmed if this was something that only for the first class. Also we only meet once every other week so that's nice. I had another lecture for investment analysis and I feel that as long as I keep up with the reading I'm going to be ok. If anything this class reminded my why I liked to manipulate numbers so much. All in all, this week felt really long but I think a lot of it had to do with me not being used to my schedule yet. I've been trying to work out a system for time management as well so I haven't been super on top of things. Additionally, I wasn't doing much with lock downs happening so I feel like I was just thrown into something randomly even though I did take summer classes. Hopefully I'll be more adjusted to the flow next week.

"Who Am I" Contemplation Part 1 I'm going to be writing my brainstorming sessions to the previous questions relating to the "Who Am I" essay. Idk how many parts there will be but stay tuned Do I have different components? Levels? What are they? Am I the same person now that I was ten years ago? One minute ago? Why or why not? What is the essence of who I am or do I even have an essence/core? Am I free from my past experiences and background or defined by them? How so? I would say yes I do have different levels. Most of these levels consist of my ego. The first level is my external appearance which includes my body, the way I carry myself, and where I choose to be and hang out (whether it is my room, my favorite coffee shop, the religion class and the university I chose ) etc. These are things and places people can draw conclusions from their first impressions whether it is how I look or where they find me. Many of these have some type of component of agency. I choose the way I do my hair, the way I do my makeup, the clothes I wear, how I speak and interact with others, and where I choose to be. They are prone to change and therefore fluid. The second level is my experiences. This includes my thoughts, my feelings, and the things that I do. Unlike the first level, the second level is less tangible. It informs much of my personality since it is easy to create a persona through past experiences and conditioning. Normally when getting to know someone on a more personal level I would discuss my thoughts, feelings, and things I do in order to open up and connect to others. I naturally cling to my past experiences since the second level of who I am clings to it. But I'm not defined by my previous experiences because experiences are fleeting and therefore fluid. The third level is my personality. Even though my thoughts, feelings, and things I do are things that people can connect to me with, there is still a lingering question, who is thinking, feeling, and experiencing these things? People get an essence off of the way people present their experience and connect to that in addition to connecting to the subject matter. This essence is even less tangible than experiences, or the second level. I do not have the same persona I was 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago. Sure some aspects of my persona may be more constant than others but it has more to do with to what extent I identify with or assign additional meaning and significance to an event or personality change. I wouldn't cite my personality as my deepest level is because it too is fluid. These three levels are merely the outer shell of who I truly am or my ego. They are not the core because of how they are prone to change. I can change my clothes and I'm still me. I can change the way I think through my education and I'm still me. I can explore different sides to my personality and I'm still me. No matter how I change, no matter what circumstance I'm in there I am. I also characterize all of these as a part of my ego because of the ownership that is involved in it. My clothes, my feelings, my personality, my deeds. I can't be defined by what I own, because then, who's owning these things? Who is doing all of this? This brings me to the last and final level, the level I would describe as my core. This level is what I call the self. The self consists of this consciousness itself. Being conscious in my life, whether I am in the state of doing and I'm living through my ego or whether I'm in a state of being in meditation, is the only thing that is constant. This level is the least tangible out of the previous levels. Nevertheless, ironically, it is the most solidified level since consciousness is constant while the other three levels are fluid and prone to change. I'm not the action or doing, I'm the being who is doing the action or doing. I'm the consciousness.

Dream Journal 8/28 I had a number of dreams last night since I didn't sleep well. I woke up a couple times and then fell back asleep. My dreams have been extra weird lately and I've been thinking about making a dream journal for the last few weeks because honestly, wtf is going on in my subconscious mind. I'm glad this class gave me the impetus to start Had a dream that my mom woke me up mid day because apparently I fell asleep meditating. I freaked out because I have things that I need to do the next day. Then I actually woke up and saw the clock said 2:36 am. Relieved, I went back to sleep This dream is basically a humpty dumpty story. There is some guy who had a part of his missing because he had a great fall but for some reason his head (and for all I know his body) was made of cake. One other person and I baked a chocolate cake to cover for the missing pieces and then used Oreos for the skull. This guy woke up and was perfectly fine afterwards. This made absolutely no sense and I was confused throughout the entire dream and now that I'm writing this out, it feels even stranger. I was studying for some exam in my uncle's house. He has Fox news on in the living room as he always does. Ron Paul won't shut up about something dumb and completely irrelevant. My uncle starts talking about how schools should be defunded. I know at this point that arguing with him or saying anything to him literally does nothing and is essentially like talking to a brick wall so I put my headphones in. I start blasting American Idiot by Green Day. I am shopping for a eye shadow palette. I don't know why because I don't even wear makeup like that. For some reason this makeup store only sells palettes and nothing else and the palettes are arranged like records in a record shop. You can't sample anything either. I'm going through this one section of palettes and then I feel some guy whom I don't know directly behind me almost touching me. I'm just like "hey wtf why are you so close idk you." He says nothing and goes back to his group of friends who are beside me not too far off. This friend group consisted of 3 girls and 2 other guys. Anyway, I don't find what I want and I leave the store.

@Etherial Cat AHHHHHHHH ?????

God is Consciousness, You are God I had my first religion class today. The previous class was just an overview along with the syllabus so I don't really count it like that. My professor really started this course with the following claims: "Your consciousness is located in your reality and it creates your reality." "There is a deep part of us we aren't aware of even though it is part of awareness itself." (THIS ONE HIT ME THE HARDEST! I had to stop taking notes and take a minute. I don't know why but I find this statement so beautiful) "What is God? God is consciousness." Materialism is not sufficient for understanding consciousness. Here is what is wrong with materialism If you're your experiences, then who is the one experiencing? (Distinguishing between what you know and who you are, known vs the knower) How do you know the knower? Without the knower we don't know anything Without consciousness, we don't know anything if the knower is consciousness itself "Consciousness is the purest form of the knower. The knower is the purest form of consciousness" (alludes to the idea that you are the knower, therefore you are consciousness and therefore you are god) I have been introduced to these topics through Leo's videos (so I have some type of mental preparation and these aren't exactly new seeds being planted) but it still felt hard hitting in class. I can't imagine what my classmates were going through internally. But I do know that everyone looked like they were having an existential crisis. My professor knew this too and in the middle of the lecture when we seemed absolutely mind fucked, he would laugh like an evil genius. That's honestly my favorite part . I know this is just the surface. I can't wait to see how deep he goes with his content this semester. Most importantly, I can't wait to embody all of this down the line. I know I haven't fully grasped these concepts. I have a long way to go. But the first level is having the intellectual framework and that's what I'm doing right now. If this is my first class, I can't wait to see what's the rest of the semester will be like.

I'm pretty sure there will be new people to replace them. Having a scarcity mindset can easily turn into a limiting belief. Honestly fire the older cops. Embrace green's intolerance for intolerance. Sometimes it's necessary to create a better environment. Immunity is a problem but it isn't the only factor at play. There are LOTS of things wrong with the current system. And even though green is not tolerant of the intolerant, they are much more peaceful and open to understanding compared to red, blue, and orange. It's going to take a lot for green to lose their shit and start shooting innocent people like protesters for instance. Before we do anything, we need to get police to green first and to do that we need to clean the left over gunk from the previous stages.

I got around to watching the video and I will say that he has a point on the importance of practical experience over theory. But his point of view is HIGHLY off balance for most people. I get that some people, like him, are good at learning from hands on experience and are kinesthetic learners but not everyone is like that lol. People need to find their own balance between experience and theory. Plus he sounds really triggered and butt hurt. Not sure if that's just him or if something is bothering him. During the entire video, i just wanted to be like... are you ok?, you good? do you need anything???

First Class: Notes So in this entry, I'm going to be jotting down my notes I took in class. I'm going to meditate on this and then post my reactions later on because there is just so much to soak up. It's isn't so much in the sense there is a lot of content but so much in the sense that the few things I heard takes some time to really sink in to the psyche. "Your consciousness is located in your reality and it creates your reality." consciousness is not limited to your brain-> your reality is within your consciousness thought is a form of consciousness itself What are the distinctions of subjective and objective reality? we like to see the external as something out there and separate from us but what if your external world and internal world are one and the same? our external experiences have impacted out internal sense of self My additional thoughts: our internal sense of self shapes out perspective of external experiences and how we interact with those experiences therefore our internal selves become our external reality. (law of attraction, psychology etc.) Who you are flows into your external reality "Of course it is happening inside your head but why on earth should that mean it's not real?"- Dumbledore "There is a deep part of us we aren't aware of even though it is part of awareness itself." What is God?: God is consciousness Idealism: everything is made of consciousness idea is also preset in many Eastern traditions west: we all live in out own worlds, out own reality cognitive psych: out brain chemistry makes our reality-> what is that made of-> materialism says atom and molecules don't have consciousness-> then what makes the mind? We can't quantify it but we know its real -> We can't make sense of reality through materialism-> examine thoughts and feelings-> "I think, therefore, I am" (Descartes) Problem with Materialism/ "Hard Problem" east: there is one consciousness that flows through all of us, making a consistent reality avoids the "hard problem" I also thought of nonduality William James: father of psych, professor at Harvard, brother of Henry James, gave first psych class, American philosopher stream of consciousness Our experiences and lives have continuity. It's like a stream There was no time where we broke off and stopped being ourselves (gradual changes, flowing changes, again think of a stream) introspection as a tool to observe consciousness-> Meditation "we are always present but the present is always changing" We are always changing the present is all there is (reminds me of the notion of how both the past and future are imaginary) Distinction between knower and the known If you're your experiences, then who is the one experiencing? How do you know the knower? without the knower we don't know anything without consciousness, we don't know anything if the knower is consciousness itself "Consciousness is the purest form of the knower. The knower is the purest form of consciousness" it is not an it: once you put a label to it, it becomes something outside of you > very self evident, but also very elusive Ok so I'm done for today. I'm going to be right back and have an existential crisis lol

Reading one book per week can be an act to build discipline and perseverance by giving you a structure and object to abide by because of a set quantity and time frame. That's great but I would also be mindful of the amount of value you get from those book and the quality learning/ experience you implement over time. Some people can read a book per day and get immense value, other people who read a book per day barely remember what they read a few days ago. Some people take a month to read a book and derive a lot of key insights and implications and others read a book per month because they were distracted and procrastinating. It's going to differ person to person because of personality and approaches but whatever helps you grow and gives you the best balance for quality and quantity is your best bet.

@Opo Either they shift and realize or you have to find new people who are conscious enough to take in the information. Regardless of the case, you will end up with a more conscious police force. Process of elimination. Giving a stage red, blue, orange person a gun an a position where they can be excused is a recipe of disaster as one can see with the recent Black Lives Matter protests. High consciousness needs to be a requirement so they know how to deal with people without stooping down to their level and creating more problems. "We can't solve problems with the same level of thinking we used to create them" - Einstein And that also applies to consciousness

Question to Contemplate for the "Who Am I Essay" I'm basically going to let this simmer in my mind. I want to be careful and intentional with what I come up with because I have only four pages I can write (double spaced). I'm guessing he wants this essay to be succinct and focused so we don't beat around the bush when it comes to our identities. These questions were basically a starting point suggested from my professor. Since there are a lot of them, I went ahead and bolded the ones I find myself drawn to. What key experiences have defined who I am? Do I have different components? Levels? What are they? What is my vision of who I would like to become in the future? What is the goal of human existence? What is an “ideal” human being? What is the deepest longing that I have in my life? Am I the same person now that I was ten years ago? One minute ago? Why or why not? What is the essence of who I am or do I even have an essence/core? What gives my life joy? Meaning? Why? What do I hide from others? From myself? Why? Am I free from my past experiences and background or defined by them? How so? What will happen to “me” after my death? (Best guesses) What is my connection (if any) to God or whatever I consider to be of ultimate importance?

More training in de-escalation techniques, human psychology, sociology, how power works, etc. The police needs a good theoretical background in addition to hands on training so they can used what they learned in hands on training effectively and reasonably. Also using force as a last resort. Limiting arms/ ammunition. Some is necessary but it can't be to the point where it freaks out everyone in any interaction with an officer. It also depends on department. Emphasis on protection and feeling safe over being panicky and on guard for shit to go down when it comes to how people view the police.

Dream Journal 8/27 Got drinks with some guy I liked in NYC . We then got an expensive dinner on some boat. We were apparently old friends but I didn't know who he was. We were catching up. Came back to my home town. There were some girls I recognized who were blasting the City Girls. Me and my friend group just laughed and started reminiscing. Went to the state fair but it was set up more like a carnival with a few of my old friends. We ate a bunch of food and played some carnival games. We won this game that was a team effort. The guy I liked told me he thought I am beautiful and gave me some macaroons. I was flattered but I didn't feel the same way. I liked him once but not anymore since we lacked anything in common anymore. The city has expanded and is much larger and much more populated because the highways were super packed.

New Journal I forgot to link my new journal that relates to my religion class here yesterday. So here it is :

From what I understood, sensors are people who focus more on the details while intuitives are more focused with the big picture. Like if you show them an abstract painting, a sensor will look at it and admire the colors and the brush strokes while intuitives will look for symbolism and deeper meaning. This dichotomy has to do with how information/ and experiences are processed When it comes to judging and perceiving, judgers are more plan oriented while perceivers are more spontaneous. This dichomy has to do with how you react to events and experiences. You can be well planned out and be detail oriented. You could be well planned out and focused on big picture understanding. Or you can be spontaneous and detail oriented. You can also be spontaneous with big picture understanding Regardless of whether you are well planned out, spontaneous, detail oriented, or focused on the big picture, you can always be open to experience.

Some animals have different cones in their eyes that enables them to see more colors than humans. This is present with a lot of insects.

The reason why people say "looks don't matter" even though they clearly have preferences when it comes to attractiveness and prioritize it when dating (whether consciously or unconsciously) is because what people find attractive is highly subjective. Looks matter when people are deciding who to date but what counts as good looks varies a lot from person to person. To be extremely blunt, there is 8 billion people in the world and many of them are into some strange things (strange from my perspective not strange in general). There is bound to be a portion of people to find you physically attractive. I feel like it's more difficult to deal with this when you're young because a lot of people when they are teens and young adults don't know themselves or what they do or don't like in a person and then just go off of looks. It's messed up and it show a lack of maturity and experience imo. Plus its not the only factor. Your ex sounds incredibly insecure and like an asshole (and kinda emotionally abusive). Pretty sure she gets it from her dad. Its not you, it's her. It's much easier said then done, especially since it happened over and over again, but try not to internalize it and generalize every future experience based on it. Also btw, you really aren't ugly. In fact, I thought you were kind of cute. You have amazing eyebrows.

I'm also tempted to introduce this model with my professors as well. Should I do that while discounting/ down playing turquoise to avoid scaring them off? I can see SD being accepted but I can't see people receive turquoise well just yet.

Its a coping mechanism and a form of meaning making. By making the painful memories seem perfect, we assign a higher meaning to those memories, whether it is growth or whether it is pointing us to a better future. In doing so it makes us feel as though we didn't suffer for no reason.

I definitely agree with this. SD can potentially hurt a lot of egos and cause a lot of backlash from lower stages that believe that THEY are the highest stage. I'm sure if you introduce someone to SD at orange they'll try to discredit SD because of the notion of green being higher than them since they have a lot of backlash against green. Like I can just imagine showing SD to someone who is solidly orange being like wHaT DO yoU MeAN tHe hIPPies aRe HIGher than mE tHIs iS uNsCienTIFIC

Substance is definitely more important but I wouldn't necessarily say that judging based on style is shallow. It is not the most accurate in the long run but when you're first getting to know someone (mainly in the first couple months or so) it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between the two because you're dealing with a lack of information. Substance takes some time to get a feel for because it has to do with patterns over time while style is something taken at face value. The conflict happens because attraction is something that often is instantaneous so it's going to naturally favor style over substance.

I was exposed to other religions and started questioning which one is the right one since all of them claimed to be so. I went to a stage blue christian school and the kids bullied me because I was Hindu. Then I realized that all religions have that one group that thinks they're the best and that everyone else will burn in hell and thought that was messed up since I didn't want anyone to go through the bs I was going through. Later on, I studied other religions outside of my own in middle school. Sometimes that helps you see how relative it all is. Also as far as obeying authority goes, I realized early on that my parents weren't the most reliable source because they were pretty toxic especially compared to my friends' parents. Therefore, I started questioning them and just anyone in authority in general because I saw how blindly following someone or something can lead to your demise. It was a survival strategy. The only reason why I went to orange instead of red is because just in general, I was a pretty calm and agreeable kid. I couldn't pick a fight and start something if I tried (unless it was an argument/debate). This and the bullying thing happened around when I was 9. I didn't go through the phase of being an angry theist or angry atheist. My family wasn't super religious and never pushed it on me. I didn't go through the angry atheist phase either because I adopted the label of being agnostic at around 13 because that made the most sense to me. Back then my logic was, hey i can't know for sure and it best to claim that I don't know and be humble instead of going around and yelling at people who also don't have the answers. I also saw healthy manifestations of religion as well where people weren't harming each other. My take is this, if a bearded man in the sky can give you guidance and hope, who am i to smash that to pieces. This helped me not demonize blue too much. But i did see the excesses and that freaked me out a little for a while (12-15) but then its like, there is a lot of social conditioning and factors that causes people to act like this. That realization happened around 16.